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  MARRIAGE QUESTION AND ANSWER
  by Shane Idleman
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Summary: This sermon delves into the transparency and honesty of
marriage through a Q&A session, aiming to provide insights and help to
marriages by discussing various topics such as protecting relationships,
handling disagreements, love, respect, and submission in marriage. The
speakers share personal experiences, struggles, and lessons learned,
emphasizing the importance of prioritizing Christ in family life and
reducing secular influences during holidays. They also touch on
maintaining purity, handling unmet expectations, and deciding on tithing
practices.

Duration: 59:16 Topics: "Honesty in Marriage", "Prioritizing Christ in Family Life"
Scripture References: Ephesians 5:22, 1 Peter 3:1, Proverbs 3:5, Malachi 3:10, Matthew 6:33

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DESCRIPTION
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This sermon delves into the transparency and honesty of marriage through
a Q&A session, aiming to provide insights and help to marriages by
discussing various topics such as protecting relationships, handling
disagreements, love, respect, and submission in marriage. The speakers
share personal experiences, struggles, and lessons learned, emphasizing
the importance of prioritizing Christ in family life and reducing
secular influences during holidays. They also touch on maintaining
purity, handling unmet expectations, and deciding on tithing practices.

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CONTENT
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is do something we haven't done before and that is talk about marriage
Q&A be transparent at the same time honest and our goal and our hope is
to help marriages out there because we are no different than any other
marriage out there but we do try to put Christ at the center and so
we've got the top 21 questions we're gonna try to get through them
quickly but we don't want to rush so I actually might we might have to
do part two in the future or we might answer them on a podcast audio we
can just if we don't get to all of them we want to try to get all of
them so we need to start so with that said I'm gonna have my beautiful
wife Morgan come up and when when God called us when he didn't just call
me he calls the team and you see what goes on in the the the the front
runner or the front burner sorry the front burner not what goes on in
the back burner of this and she's just been a tremendous blessing if God
calls a man he has to call the woman to the same type of responsibility
and helping to lead a church and so I'm just excited that we can open up
a little bit it's our 17 year anniversary was last weekend and that went
by quick and there are people here have been married longer they do
things better and I wish that they would come up and do a Q&A at some
point but also Brant and Tiffany your anniversary is today right what a
way to spend it so let's sit down what do you think I'm gonna have we're
gonna go back and forth on the questions and if you have questions you
can jot them down and if we do a part two or we answer the audio we'll
try to get to those as well so we don't want to leave anyone out but let
me just start get right to it for Morgan first question being protective
or guarding your relationship with Shane should be a normal emotion or
feeling but how do you handle or rein in not becoming overcome with
jealousy when Shane has so many people tugging at him and pulling him in
different directions all the time who know hold them back on that one
for that I think there's many situations in all of our lives where we
look at someone else's life and say I could never do that that would
just be way too much and that's true until you have to do it and that's
when I think God's grace kicks in so in the past before we ever started
Westside I would have said there's no way that that's just no and then
God called us to start Westside and the grace was sufficient at the time
it needed to be I can honestly say I could probably count on both hands
in the last nine years the times that I've been frustrated where he was
maybe doing something else then then what I thought he should have been
doing with us like I don't in other words I don't feel like he's married
to the church like I know some pastors wives do but I think that in part
is due to setting up boundaries from the get-go so he is busy and there
are a lot of people needing his time so I don't know maybe God just gave
me the grace I'm a little independent too so it's I don't feel like I
need that helps you know I mean I can chime in a little bit too because
I thank God he called me at 40 and not 24 because in my 20s is when I
really learned about putting first things first and prioritizing and and
I was able to exercise that then Oh planting the church and really
because if your family's not healthy the marriage isn't healthy it's
it's gonna affect the ministry it's gonna affect the church so that that
has to be the priority as far as the health of the marriage and healthy
relationship and and she's flexible though like she said a lot of grace
you know I've had to leave with shorts on and flip-flops and go to the
hospital or shoot leave dinner or leave an event basketball or baseball
or different things not basketball baseball gymnastics and you know so
there's flexibility there but I think you hit the nail on the head but
that's probably one of those you know times I could count it's probably
when it's having to do with the kids more so it's kind of like oh I can
handle if it's me but if it starts involving the kids and I feel like
they're in any way being neglected I think that's when it's more
difficult I'd say the biggest the hardest thing in in that point would
be the phone because the phone just goes off like 150 200 text emails a
day which we're trying to figure out how to how to utilize the phone
better but no yeah that that's it that's a tough one right now I just
don't want to want you feel guilty if you know well it's actually what I
need to do is just is put it down more in the garage or the spare room
or something and have time with the kids and then go back to work time
and do it that way and also our hope is in all of this is to show you
how we've relied on Jesus and point you to that foundation and we'll get
to some questions here that are that might even shed more light on that
but this one's for me there has to be disagreements within the marriage
so Shane how do you handle a situation when Morgan does not back down or
feel she is right but you know you are you guys didn't mess around boy I
was hoping for easy ones so how do you handle situation when Morgan does
not back down and feels that she is right but you know you are right do
you give in do you give in do you walk away do you talk till she agrees
with you do you listen to Morgan's side or point how much time do we
have well looking at this I would have to say this is probably a major
issue where you know you know you're you know there's something major
and I can think of a few where just as a husband you know when I don't
want to go into a lot of detail but we had we were considering having
someone live with us to help out this person and I just felt really
strongly and she didn't agree and we collided for a little while on that
one but we talked it through worked it out so do I listen to Morgan's
side or get her point yes try to try to hear both sides so we don't have
I don't know if we have a lot of things that would fit in this category
she feels she's right I'm feeling I'm right you know we talked through
things and we say okay what's your point of view where are you trying to
come from because once you talk a little bit more you understand that
maybe you didn't see it the way they they saw it and you're trying to
relate a little bit better so it depends on what the issue is if I know
I'm like in this case I felt for the safety of our family you know I
wasn't I just couldn't back down I think I told her that it's I can't
I'm not I'm not wiggling on this there's no wiggle room on this one but
I think listening to them being compassionate and this doesn't happen
too often I think this was eight years ago yeah big big issues don't
happen too often the smaller ones I feel like you do listen and then you
know kind of if it's not a hill to die on for him he'll kind of default
if he feels like it's gonna be more peaceful maybe or yeah well what
I'll give you one thing that was kind of I mean it's what something we
work we actually didn't argue over it a little bit but I have a as the
man wanting to I want to have a goal to pay off her house in ten years
and that's not gonna work that's you know who budget certain things and
certain money goes to it and she's more on wanting it now for the kids
stuff and hey what's a 30 year loan you know so I have this plan of
paying it off and in that way financially more stable and if something
would happen to me the family set and they're stable so I kind of
explained I broke down you know 125 thousand in interest you're saving
we just have a track home in Palmdale you look at the interest and how
much you know we can make an attempt at this we can be debt-free from
our home in ten years and I'll be turning 60 59 59 is my goal so I hope
I wish we could take a lot more time but do you give in sometimes do you
walk away usually you know I'll say you know I'm just gonna go on a
drive and maybe run to the church listen to some worship music and just
get your get your mind clear because you don't want to go at it when
you're when you're angry and you can feel that that irritability rising
up that we usually were pretty good about she'll go do something you
know shopping at Walmart usually fixes it and I'll go on a drive in
light of Ephesians in light of Ephesians 522 and 28 that's the passage
talks about husbands loving your wives Shane can you speak on loving
your wife and Morgan can you speak on respecting oh no the s-word
submitting to your husband so I'll let you I'm gonna be long-winded if
you want to start this will probably be my longest answer so can you
speak on loving your wife you know when I see how much Christ did for me
and I think the gift of marriage and it's a daily dying to self to me
that's what it is loving your wife is Christ love the church so it's not
about me not about my day my agenda she'll tell you and I'm not just
saying this because I do it but I do a lot of the dishes or vacuum or
fix meals just to help out you know love at the time to Abram you did
that recently yeah so it's a way of loving them so to define that it
means to me not doing what I want to do but what does the family need
now in saying that I have not mastered this area but that's what it
means for me to love my wife and and put the needs of the family first
and and then we'll go into the next part here for you he's so sweet he
really cooks the meals because I can't cook very well it's funny because
you felt a lot of pressure coming into the ministry like I don't cook
and I don't play a piano and sing what am I supposed to do pastor's
wives do you know yeah so God just but yeah there's so many other many
of you the women that know her and they've spent time with her just
incredible person from for encouraging and mentoring younger women and
and so God has gifted you very much so in areas that are far more
important than plant based quesadillas all right okay submitting and
respecting okay so it's a big that's a big question and a lot of women
don't like that word so I'm not sure why or how we got there but we can
think I think the women came before us and kind of turned that into a
bad word and then the church fell for that lie that it's a that is a bad
word and it should not be something to be rejoicing in and before I
fully you know kind of exhaust the answer you should know I'm not one of
those like naturally submissive quiet women something some people are
and it's amazing that's just more of kind of their nature it's not
necessarily mine so when I answer this question I don't want you to feel
like it's coming from someone who this comes easy for so you should know
that ahead of time but when we both made head of our past wasn't that
great so bad but you can clarify if I'm wrong it won't be bad but you're
engaged to a guy and you became a Christian but and then I think when
you're younger like in your team may 17 18 years that you'd say I don't
want some guy tell me what to do so that's stuck with me you know I
don't remember saying that but he swears I said it but and it's really
not well yeah I'll let you explain it but it's yeah your personality is
not a naturally which is a good person it's a good character trait
because of that fight I'm getting my foot out my mouth it's a good fight
and you know that that type a but you're not typing either it's that
it's it's just that strong personality you need to have in ministry you
have to have you have to have two inch thick skin to really should be in
ministry so with that though that strong personality comes not wanting
to submit yeah by nature right so it doesn't come easily but I don't
read anywhere where it says submit if it comes easily and so I don't
feel like I get a pass just because my personality might not might be a
little you know more loud or boisterous or whatever I don't get a pass
from Scripture and what Scripture tells us so there's just a lot I feel
like a lot of times as women we hear that word and we get mad and we you
know I'm not gonna you know some guy telling me what to do or whatever
but it always kind of baffles me when we look at you know we can look at
the beach and see or the ocean and this beautiful God's beautiful
creation and we can look at a forest of trees and oh my gosh isn't that
a beautiful thing that God made or we can look at our children oh can
you hear me or we look at our children and see you know oh they're just
so beautiful and God's creation but then we look at this this way that
God set up marriage and we say that part is not beautiful but it is when
we're applying it so when you've got a man leading by by example and by
love and not you know with an iron fist yes because that's important it
would be a lot harder to submit for sure to someone who is not a good
leader not giving an excuse to not do your part but I can see where it
would be harder and then of course if this isn't even I may would take a
whole nother topic to talk on abuse and different things like that
coming into play so this answer is covering assuming our relationship
would you clarify yeah no I just mean in general if you know if there's
a home where there's abuse going on and stuff I'm not by any means
saying you know lay down and submit woman and all that so I think you
guys understand that but just in the context is actually is husbands
love your wives and why it's respect so it's that mutual understanding
and when it's a when it's a good when it's a cycle and both both parties
are doing what they're supposed to do it's just a beautiful thing not
always easy but we're not promised easy but it is a beautiful thing and
so I feel like there's so much of the blame game we'll all submit when
he loves we'll all love when she submits well no God's Word tells you to
do you they're gonna do them and and if they're not then you're praying
and you're waiting meanwhile you're obeying and that's that's the best
that we can do like my mom's has a checklist you know or don't compare
right it's one of the biggest things she sees and counseling to is
blaming the other person comparing why did this I make the money and see
nobody's wanting to take that you're right the Bible puts it right back
on us regardless of how the other person is acting yeah times yeah it's
not a suggestion I found the hard way scripture is not just a nice
little idea and for all you wondering our first year was the hardest are
we allowed to say like nevermind no I mean it was as far as we both
thought about divorce you know for sure the first year because you just
you realize how selfish you are and it was it was a hard first year we
we I mean we thought about it but we knew we couldn't because of the
scriptural course and then marriage is often a tool like no other tool
that God will use to really humble you and to break you and I remember I
shared this with some of you as many years ago now that I she left her
journal open and it talked about me being a controlling man with
finances and not letting the kids do a lot and I was like I left there
mad but I was broken like what are you talking about and as a man seeing
my dad go through the recession with construction losing everything
almost and and I've been more of that penny pincher you know so no
they're not gonna do this no we can't do this nobody can't you know
because you're you're living on a budget where but it started to hinder
people's dreams and what they wanted to do and so I had to learn from
that like okay well let's have them let them do what they want to do in
a budget you know and be more humble about that and so that was my whole
point not to take away from this point but is to let marriage humble you
and conform you and shape you and break off those hard areas of pride
and self-centeredness and that's when we're confronted with those things
we need to change those things yeah for sure another point too I just
for the women if that is more of a struggle and it's you know you say
the word submission or respect and you just you just hear it on the face
you hear it and you see it on the faces and I just think what if our the
man by our side was going I have to love my wife what a horrible plot in
life to have to love her but that's what they hear when we're saying I
have to respect you and it's the biggest thing for a man and I think
that's why God put it in here men love your wives wives respect submit
your husbands because we're not gonna naturally do it I mean some people
may be a little more prone to it in general but by and large it's not
going to come very natural and so he's telling us for our own good this
is what works best a two-headed monster is a very ugly thing there has
to be someone taking the lead and to me I mean don't get me wrong there
are times when I go down punching and and it's I don't want to but I
feel like I have a grown at least in 17 years for me it's yeah for me I
don't it's kind of like okay when it all falls apart my fault go on with
your bad self you make that call you know luckily he's often hearing
from the Lord so I can trust his leading so that was kind of a joke kind
of not because I do trust when it comes down to it even when it's
something that I don't particularly like with the house payment for
instance probably not something I would choose to do at this point but I
can see the wisdom in it and so I'm not gonna kick and scream about it
and I trust him and I trust that God is leading so I'll bow out you know
what I mean also for I think the women almost have it well I can't that
might be taken wrong I wouldn't want to be the man I'll just say that
right now I would way rather be the woman I don't want to have to
provide for an entire family I don't want to have to try and lead an
entire family I don't want to have to try and protect an entire family
that's like beyond what God created me to do and so I want him to
operate in his full gifting and what God has called him to do and for
him to be able to do that I need to come underneath that yeah and like
there are if there are things she doesn't agree with she'll voice that
and why she doesn't agree with it we've I've changed course in regard to
like the kids probably you know the kids with schooling or they're
needing this isn't gonna work you know we got a we got to do this and
there's probably many examples we could give on this but what about
would this be under this question when people say so how's it how's it
really like yeah how's it really like living with shame yeah yeah yeah
what's it like being married to shame and it's funny because I do read
between those lines some people I think genuinely are curious but I
usually get the sensing of two different types of people the first one
is the type of people who aren't a big fan of the ministry or of Shane
or whatever and so out there and so when they're asking I see all over
their face what they're really asking is isn't it so horrible don't you
like never have any fun and don't you like just get scripture beaten
over your head all day and and isn't just the worst thing ever how do
you live with that guy and then there's a whole nother group of people
who are like he's so spirit-filled what's it like living with him it
must be cloudy all day or you know walking on clouds and and and there's
never poopy diapers from the kids and it must be so amazing that was a
good laugh and I'm just like you know I think my answer is what's it
like being married to him is very similar as what it's like being
married to your spouse there are some amazing amazing days and there are
some very hard days it's the same you could ask him the same question
what's it like being married to me I'm no walk in the park either you
know what I mean so I feel like that question could really get thrown
back on anyone yes he's a strong leader strong personality which is
amazing and that's what I need and then other days less than amazing you
know I you know it's it's it's so I would say it's amazing being married
to him it's not perfect and it's not always a walk in the park but I
don't I don't think that's specific to us I think you could all say the
same thing yeah and with the big confusion I think with a lot of people
is how I preach to the masses is not how I act an individual level I'll
put on what do you think repent you little sinner yeah repent you little
sinner I mean oh yeah I'll dance I'll dance I'll dance around with them
a little bit dance around with the kids play with the kids and I yeah
the kids fall off their chair laughing when when he gets laughing and
like really laughing yeah it's hard to stop and then the kids like
practically fall out of their chairs laughing at him laughing so it's
not like we just sit at home all day and to be honest with you this
could be an encouragement I'm not doing really good in this area with
with devotional time and teaching my kids scriptures right now to be
honest with you it's it's something I need to work on we've tried it I
think the devil comes against it every chance he gets you can have hey
what tonight family at dinner we're gonna talk about Disneyland oh
there'd be no problems but as soon as you want to open up the Bible all
hell seems to break loose so and I'm I'm kind of careful that I maybe I
could push not push but but invest scriptures into their life more but I
don't want to come across as that you know that angry father-in-home I
don't I've never said you have to submit I've never said you have to
respect me I never quoted Ephesians 5 I don't quote verses to use them
at the kids but that would be my downside is I probably could be better
in this area of because I'm so exhausted when works over and sometimes I
feel like my time with the kids is like it should be the when I have the
highest amount of energy when I spend time with the Lord in the morning
so yeah who we are here is who we are at home we don't try to put on
different masks and different things but I don't how I preach and how
hard at preaching that's really a calling that's what God God gifted me
in that area he and he anointed me to have that type of ministry like
John the Baptist that that calling the nation back I eat breathe that I
have books on the side of her bed piles of them and I'm just I just love
revival I love God awaken these people because that's my heartbeat but
when I'm at home you know it's it's riding bikes or playing or doing
things with the kids it's not it's not I don't I don't preach to them at
all I think he's harder on himself yeah even though we mean we might not
sit down as often as we can in like full-on devotion but it's constantly
talked about throughout throughout our home when you're lying down when
you're rising up they they wake up and they catch dad on his knees you
know 4 a.m. if someone wakes up to go to the bathroom or they catch us
talking about a scripture and different things so I don't think it's
yeah I just feel like I wish I could do more yeah if you ever did a
devotional with little kids you probably feel the same way it's it's
hard so that would be one thing you could pray for us what that looks
like you know spend more time but they do get it's it's character
qualities and in teaching I mean I walked out of dicks a month and a
half ago with something in my hand and Shane said oh dad you didn't pay
for that I'm like oh that's right my mind wasn't even on getting
anything it's like oh that's a good example let's go back or if they
give me too much money back or if we stop and talk to someone and buy
them food so there's learning throughout the whole week that we're
investing in them one of our daughters goes to the hospital homes as she
comes to the morning worship it's she's up at 430 in the morning on
Sunday and she comes here praise God for now I know that you know that
could change as she gets older but so we do see them growing right okay
I won't say that either you're right we shouldn't we shouldn't talk like
that all right I think we kind of cover this one what do you do when you
find out you're wrong about something how easy is it for you to
apologize and admit correct the wrong you've done to others and that's
only question four so we probably have to go pretty quick okay I think
it's easier to say you're sorry when you realize that the offense is
against the Lord so yes maybe sometimes I've done something I've wronged
him and if I realize that it's wrong it's not always easy to you know
eat that humble pie and go and apologize but if I try and fight it and
then I'm out of God's will then it's easier for me to say okay I prefer
to be right with the Lord and you know take on a little bit of humility
to apologize than to kind of stay out of right yeah and I'm on the same
boat I would say how easy is it for you to apologize and admit you're
wrong to the other I think I think we're both both pretty good at that
you know saying hey I miss this I wasn't I didn't understand and you
want to jump on that quickly how do you keep that balance in your family
to prioritize Christ in Christian holidays this probably could have a
question we waited on because there's other priority ones let me let me
try to come back to that one Morgan how do you deal with situations that
that I don't understand as a man like if you're pregnant when I saw that
question I was hoping for more of maybe a an example the only thing I
could think of that came to mind was like pregnancy postpartum
depression which I struggled with more so with one of the kids than the
other four and that verse you know for men dwell with your wives with
understanding I think it's a good thing for you to seek to understand
your wife to try and hear her the heart and hear where she's coming from
but there are some things that I mean there was a time I think in this
last pregnancy that I like had to have I don't even remember let's just
say a cheeseburger even though it wasn't because I couldn't do meat this
time on this one but it was like no I have to have it I have to have it
now and he's like well just eat something else you know it's fine like
it's 11 o'clock at night I'm like you know you don't understand it's a
real thing or like nesting before the baby was was born and I was
nesting I'm like you don't get it I cannot not organize these things I
can't not do it you know so just just trying I guess to help him
understand and knowing at the same time really Jesus the only one who's
gonna fully ever really get me yeah if you ask that question and you had
a more specific thing in mind ask me later and there's some single
questions here too for singles so we're gonna maybe come back to those
in a minute what does being a spiritual leader look like to me I think
we covered some of that earlier about leading by example doing what you
don't feel like doing admitting you're wrong showing character in your
home can I give an example real quick sure like a practical example
after every time after I had a one of the kids it's hard to get your
quiet time in like it's just it just is hard to to be in the word and
different things and you try and got screaming baby and all these kind
of things so he recognized kind of recent within the last few months he
kind of recognized that I wasn't in the word as much as I should be
because it's very apparent when you're not in God's Word and your mood
is going haywire so we had an opportunity to go out on a date so I was
gonna come over and hang out with the kids and instead of like hey let's
go to dinner are there any good movies on he's like hey why don't we go
read our Bibles at the office all right and bring some books and I was
like it was fun actually that's a great idea and I was so excited which
sounds you know maybe funny cuz like our one chance to go on a date but
those couple hours flew by like it was just so great to sit and be able
to read and just kind of talk together and stuff so I think he I think
that's a good example of a spiritual leader he recognized that I was
floundering a little bit and I needed to kind of be pulled back in and
then as I was reading we were talking about what we were learning that's
about three hours worth of so you have to prioritize did a movie and
popcorn sound better to the flesh but once we once we you know started
it was it was fun it was it was actually time flew by very quickly how
do you a fair proof your marriage so how do you fair proof your marriage
I will say this so we're we're we're both pretty open and transparent
about this you know if there's any they shall say hey this guy face this
guy sent me a message on Facebook well we're actually have a joint
account so the one time oh yeah that did happen you actually saw it
before I did and you went ahead and let him yeah no that you saw it I
said I'd love to get lunch with you and we're also I think sharing
accounts is good I recommend I know a lot of people are like oh well if
you you know you can't trust me there's that's like well if I can't
trust you why don't you want to share the account then so I don't know
for us that works and it's huge accountability and I know how crafty and
deceiving the enemy is and I know what he wants to do to the marriage
and so I'm not giving him any you know opportunities and having the
phones available passwords you can look in at whatever you want there's
no and and hey I'm there's you know there's times I think 2012 I'll
never forget that time where because she said I'm feeling really you
know I'm just feeling discontent and we need to connect again we're kind
of drifting apart so if you identify it you bring it up and you can talk
about it and then make make the correction course to get back on track
with the marriage so it's it's not the affair happens in secrecy when
you keep things hidden whether it's Facebook or email or at work and you
keep it hidden but if you bring something to the light and you say you
know if a husband's at work is like I'm just you know I'm really
attracted with this person I got it you know I gotta find a different
job or something or somebody says hey I'm attracted we go to this Bible
study and I'm attracted to this this this guy there or something you
know and you kind of be that did happen to us that's why she's laughing
we weren't even married I don't think were we we were just dating I
think we're days right we were I don't know but she was really attracted
to one of the guys at the Bible study so I'm like well that's not gonna
work geez Louise so embarrassing that's okay that's it that's just a
normal aren't you guys so that's about being that the whole point was
being honest and open and transparent and say hey here's what I'm
struggling with and and not letting it hide in darkness and it might it
might it might hurt a little bit to expose it so if you say if a husband
says hey I'm struggling I've some things have popped up I think it's
been a couple years but if something popped up on my computer and this I
tell her hey this this popped up on the computer this morning okay you
know we talked so it's not having this secret little life on the side
and nobody knows it's just being transparent and letting letting God
work through that so yeah I think that's the biggest thing that kind of
goes along with this question how do you pray for a dead marriage and
there was a time like he was talking about around I don't know yeah it's
been quite a while now but I was in a place where I hadn't been in the
word a lot I just was kind of my my relationship with Jesus was
floundering a little bit and the church just started so that brought a
whole new yeah and when that starts to happen good things never come of
that I grew very apathetic like I just didn't care anymore I could care
less if he came or went and this is he knows all this already so but it
was it was getting to the point where I just was done I was just done to
be honest and I kind of struggled with the Lord because I'm like
everyone else is getting divorced you got all these other Christians
getting what why can't I just go in and file but I had enough fear of
the Lord in me that said no you can't do that so I remember telling the
Lord one time in prayer I'm like I don't care who it is me or him but
you got to take one of us I can't do this for another 50 years and I
can't I have no biblical grounds for a divorce so I know I'm not gonna
do that but I don't want to just live as roommates for for the rest of
my life and that's just how done you know that I was and so the question
how do you pray for a dead marriage I just started praying God I can't
even hold on to you got to hold on like you you got to take this and you
got to do something with it I can't continue like this and I and I have
no other option but you and so it wasn't a situation I know there's some
dead marriages due to like so many different circumstances ours wasn't
any sort of like sin issue or anything like that it was just life and my
kind of backtracking away from the Lord a little bit I mean it's still a
Christian I just wasn't you know really on fire and the setting was to
we had just two little kids and the church just started and that brought
on a lot of challenges a lot of pressure we were we were hurt by a lot
of people in ministry I know it's hard to believe but we in that the
kids I'm tense and she's not in the word I'm kind of just going my own
doing my own thing and the enemy will come in and use that as a wedge
and capitalize and start planning thoughts like well look at this guy or
look at this situation and but I missed the whole point of how do you a
fair proof your marriage it really begins with your devotional life your
time spending your time spent with God in prayer and reading the word
and and living the Christian to feel the Spirit filled life that's the
best way to a fair proof your marriage and then these other things I
talked about those are just that's icing on the cake because
accountability software won't stop an affair it's a it's a it's a good
thing to do but your heart has to be right and she brought that up to me
in 2011 I don't remember when it was but it hit me like a ton of bricks
who then we yeah he was actually getting ready to do the first marriage
series Jim you hurt that way yeah I was getting ready to yeah the very
first one you've done a couple since then and I remember we were going
on an anniversary trip and he didn't know how I mean he knew things were
kind of funky but I don't think he realized the extent of how just low I
was at that point and I remember driving on that two and a half hour
drive going again enough fear that you just need a little bit of that
you know fear of the Lord to stay in you to kind of light that fire and
it was like you are not gonna let that man go up there and do a marriage
series feeling like this like that is just a slap in the face to God I
felt so I had to kind of do the hard thing and and just kind of spill it
and tell him everything that I was feeling and things that we you know
then we prayed just in the trip was better after that for sure so I know
we prayed and I didn't I didn't get upset I was really just wounded but
remember a lot of it a lot of us how we were raised you've heard my
testimony I was raised in a home my dad was very angry and boy you don't
cry there's no emotions it's driven it's hard-working you know you just
you just plow forward and you move forward you work hard and and you
take that in a marriage and here I am I'm going 100 miles an hour we
planted this church and I'm just failing to see that she's dying
spiritually so God used that to really revive the marriage at that point
I think it's you know and there's it's that was probably a turning point
for sure what has been your most difficult issue to work through I would
say that actually changes with seasons like sometimes it's been finances
when he was in construction and the market just tanked and it was like
all of a sudden we had no money probably at that season it was finances
having kids for sure at different points or how to handle the kids how
to discipline different things like that communication I don't know what
do you yeah it's different seasons what's what's been the most difficult
issue to work through I mean at first it was it was kids it's funny
because you have that first child and you're like so protective you know
now the fifth one like let her crawl on the floor she won't get sick I
mean you know but so I think for me the first baby was planting the
church was hard so there's different seasons so I don't think there's
something that stands out what was that question about intimacy oh yeah
have you ever had some yes did you ever have a dry spell from lack of
intimacy if so how did you remedy that that one I think goes back to
communication you all know what intimacy is if you're here right
Morgan's mom's right there so I have to take a look this way and my mom
said she's watching on live stream what was have you ever had a dry
spell yeah I would say particularly after having children each you know
each time you you give birth there's a dry spell different things how do
you remedy it I would say sometimes it just takes time like in the case
of that but for maybe a couple who is just not connecting on that level
I would say pray honestly that sounds like pray but you just pray for
that desire pray you had it there before you know when you guys first
met and and different things the Lord brought you together and that's
such a integral part of a marriage I feel like that's probably the
that's really the thing that separates or distinguishes marriage from
every other relationship you know with your with your parents or your
siblings or your friends you communicate you respect each other you love
each other you laugh together you hang out together you do all these
intimacy is the one thing that sets marriage apart and so God created it
he tells us to do it he even tells us not to refrain from it lest the
enemy come in and work so and so to answer the question probably
communication because guys are very visual right wake up nobody I mean
no surprises here right so guys are visual what they see well a woman
can see it and say I don't want it because you've been a jerk all week
so you know do the dishes vacuum but it's it's communication and and how
do you resurrect that though if there's no attraction for the other
person they just the attraction is done so a lot of times it's where our
thoughts are going mentally where are we focusing on that's why men a
lot of men are addicted to pornography so they have no desire at home a
lot of women now pornography is growing in women as well but they're
watching things they shouldn't be watching or reading books they
shouldn't be reading looking so their minds going a different direction
the men's going so they're drifting apart so really that's why prayer is
important you pray and you bring that back and you say God we need this
intimacy back and we need you to show us what to do in this area because
we just we just don't love each other anymore I don't want to touch him
I don't want to look at him yeah and it's difficult though even
something just came to mind to like men with pornography pornography or
women even expectations can come in like just don't watch The Bachelor
and The Bachelorette I don't know I'm just gonna throw that out there
there's nothing good and and wholesome about those types of movies
there's nothing edifying to your relationship with your husband when you
see someone hooking up with 25 men or someone hooking up with 25 women
and then you start having expectations of what these rendezvous should
look like and maybe they don't look like that in your home and different
things just just yeah I don't know I don't know if that's for someone
because it just came to my mind but just no need and a lot of you don't
know maybe all of you don't know but with Morgan's background when I met
her she was involved in Hollywood so when she came she was in Craig
Morgan's first video something right home about you know Craig Morgan
who's pretty popular country singer so that started and she was getting
other work and so when she became a Christian a gray glory van she
walked forward when gray glory gave the call and now everything's
changing so she's getting out of this industry that her whole life was
focused on so the enemy was really having a heyday on oh just a mom now
you know just just to stay at home look at this guy's he's you know he's
planning a church you can do what he wants and not realizing that God
called us together so it's it's really taking your thoughts captive it's
a very it's a very it was very difficult because that's where the enemy
works first he's gonna work you where your thoughts go your feet follow
and that's it was so important to guard that in marriage well what about
that kind of ties in with the question someone wrote in about maybe you
have a highlighted about like how did you stay pure before marriage oh
yeah let's go crossing the line let's go through those real quick that's
for a single yeah we actually stopped kissing at one point but like what
six months before we got married it's just getting too hard to you know
we knew that we wanted not gonna work made mistakes in the past and we
knew we want to do things right this time so we just said you know
that's done also modest I remember there was a few times well one in
particular where Shane just said I just need you to not wear that and I
had again coming out of Hollywood being a new Christian and that was the
farthest thing from my mind and God really had to do a work in my heart
and I remember going through and cleaning out my closet and wanting to
cry because I was throwing away like hundreds of dollars of clothing and
I was like I'm not just gonna give it to the Goodwill where some other
girl can wear getting burned but I think the more modest I could be it
really helped him and so the Lord just had had really taken me on a
journey in that area so it's always been kind of important to me but
never more so now that we have a 12 year old son and trying to teach him
guard your eyes guard your heart take your thoughts captive so I think
like for the single for it for women in general try and maintain modesty
and teach that to your girls and the guys are bombarded enough they
don't need it from the church too and how did you keep yourself from
crossing the line before marriage it really starts in the heart first we
both did not want to go back where we came from in our past we want to
make sure it was God's will to get married and we were actually so
worried about marriage I broke up six times I think right he did
including once after we were already engaged I broke can you imagine me
breaking up with Morgan's that this is not working I need but I wasn't
always a break it was more like I mean he had a hard past I had a hard
past we so desired to know that this was God's will and our families
were like would you just get married already but we were looking for a
red flag and so it's more of like I need a break don't call me for a
break and then we are going to marriage counseling pre-marriage
counseling in the past we went to get counseling before he even proposed
because we just wanted to be so sure because I was I was worried making
a mistake again and but anyway the pastor said hey we're talking in his
office he goes Morgan can you go out for a while and she left and he
goes you better stop this stuff just ask her to marry you are you gonna
lose her you're so fearful I think you proposed that night I think I did
because we were on a break and I was driving and he wasn't supposed to
be calling me yet he's calling me so I like pulled over on Avenue J and
he's like hey we had that counseling appointment tonight do you want to
keep it even though we're on a break I'm like sure whatever so we go to
the counseling appointment that's the night you propose I think yeah he
shot me straight and then we broke up again really really I took all my
bridesmaids to lunch and said there's not gonna be a wedding and then I
had to tell him there's gonna be one but it it sounds it was a roller
coaster but we we dated or courted or whatever for six months when you
proposed what I asked you on the way to this on the way home from the
beach after three weeks of dating okay so how much time do we have we
were doing a young we were both attending like a young adults church
service FYI shout out for young adults luncheon coming up make sure you
guys sign up in the way you might meet yeah we're a testimony of young
adults anyway so the the group was going to the beach or something we
decided to drive to bed together in caravan so we're like playing this
weird I don't know game of like whoa what if like what if there was an
earthquake right now what if you know just I don't even remember random
questions and he goes we we had been seeing each other for three weeks
and he goes what if where do you see this going and I'm like right now
to the beach but it was just kind of he's 10 years older he had already
been divorced which you guys knew no cuz you look young and I look old
whatever so no I look older I know that no you don't but anyway I'm 30
and I'm like I'm not just gonna go on dates for a while I need to know
where's this going you know basically I don't want to waste time but
it's I mean that's that was I realized in that moment like this guy's
not looking for a girlfriend he's he wants a wife and am I is that
something that I want to see where the Lord is gonna take this or do I
need to just say you know no I'm not there yet I was 21 you were 31 and
then we got married 22 and 32 so so that was my fear is this younger
girl just out of Hollywood new Christian Oh Lord God I need but we are
seeking God so there's a lot of strength in knowing that God is
directing if you're doing these things that's why how did you keep
yourself from not crossing line before marriage because we want to know
God's will so much how did you know they were the one did you just know
to for us it was a process of getting to know their character their
beliefs and just that you could feel that especially when you abstain
for Mary I mean there's there's a struggle for a little while that's why
I'm not gonna kiss you this is just we don't need to test it out before
we buy it right just we just trust God and we just stopped any type of
physical intimacy to hear God's voice clearly that's a good
encouragement for the young adults who are the singles who aren't
married I'm I was just reading a book over last the last week and it
said 70% of single Christians who say that they're Christians 70% are
not remaining pure they're just like whatever I'm just gonna X that part
out but really and truly it's there for a purpose there's so much you
can save yourself by following God's Word before marriage so definitely
if you if you're not or you haven't you can get back on track and just
say Lord from this point on I want to honor you in that way and how did
you protect your heart in case that person wasn't the right one that's
for the single in all the ways we just mentioned so you don't go so far
you don't get too deep into the relationship because when it's when it's
when that happens it's all about lust it's not about love or finding
God's will anymore it's about now there's this desire you open the door
for that wasn't meant to be opened just yet and now you're gonna be
struggling against this this competing God's will and what what what's
the world's will for your life I remember something you said a while
back too is you never really know a hundred percent until you say I do I
mean you pretty much know and you're 99% sure but until you say stand up
there and say I do that person could leave that person could end up you
know dying that person whatever so until you say I do that's when you're
absolutely 100% sure absolutely yeah yep it's you put on the altar until
the day you say I do then after that it's all bets off we'll get through
a few more real quick how do you keep that balance in your family to
prioritize Christ in Christian holidays and reduce today's secular focus
on gifts and other secular traditions well you really got to be on the
same page with this one because you know or pray about it you know for
example Halloween's coming up we don't celebrate Halloween per se but
I'm not gonna you know ignore the fact that I like pumpkin seeds roasted
in the oven either and talk with the kids we call it good overcame evil
day that's what we're celebrating that Christ we don't need to fear this
other stuff out there we're not gonna dress like witches and warlocks
we're not gonna put stuff in our house but we're not gonna just you know
we believe Christians can redeem the theme of Christmas or Easter so we
don't celebrate Halloween but if we buy a pumpkin and cook some pumpkin
seeds and have a fun night out as a family Christmas we have a real
limited budget on what the kids get we kind of make it just a special
day I love Christmas personally I know some people don't I get rebuked
every year when I have a Christmas tree out in the lobby but we're not
worshipping the tree as in Jeremiah we're not we're just we're just love
this this holiday the same with Easter not celebrating Easter bunnies
and things but what the empty tomb and I think we talk to them yeah we
teach them the real meaning of Christmas and Easter kind of where it
rooted where things started why why the world believes what they do and
why we believe what we do yeah I mean for me Halloween is just a just an
evil type of holiday so that one's pretty easy but if the kids want to
dress up as Barbie and run around the backyard I'm not gonna go no no no
you're going to hell you know it's well that's what yeah that's that
goes back to things we're like we've disagreed on maybe because I grew
up you know trick-or-treating and this or that and so for me it was like
oh well that's just what we do and then for him knowing kind of more the
background and how that day got started and just all that kind of stuff
so it's been a learning process in that sense too and you know yeah I
feel like we've grown to where we're kind of on the same page now if I'm
complete in Christ as a single woman why do I desire a companion I can
answer that one quickly because you are complete in Christ as a single
person but sometimes God gives us that desire to marry and it's a good
desire to have so you're complete in Christ you're everything but that
can still be a good God-given desire to pursue a mate but if a person's
single and they've been single a long time you know I would again take
it to God in prayer and his timing and you're complete you don't have to
have someone to make you complete and take it to God in prayer and see
what his plan is for your life sometimes he's wanting to see we want mr.
we want mr. right instead of being mr. right but we want to meet mrs.
right instead of being mr. right so God often wants us to work on our
character and our own shortcomings as well any other one stand out does
anyone have one they could say real loud real quick without a microphone
cuz I'd have to repeat it well you're thinking there's this one how do
you handle expectations oh there's one more I know yeah how do you how
do you handle unmet expectations well your spouse will never meet your
expectations they never they're not that the knight on the white horse
and she's not what you they're never gonna meet those expectations
that's why you always find that fulfillment in Christ and who God is to
you and don't don't have someone else be responsible for your happiness
so many people think their spouse and I'm all for happy marriages I'm
all for spouses making but you can't have the other person be the answer
to your happiness and expectations I think we were both what we were
expecting I learned it really I mean yeah it didn't you know you think
of you have these images of what marriage is going to be and those
expectations come crumbling down usually on both sides mm-hmm our first
six months I remember we had a situation where I was just I had an
expectation a big one and it was just it just didn't come to fruition or
whatever to the point where I was crying it was like such a big deal to
me that I I went in the other room I started crying about it and I just
felt like the Lord said he will never be a hundred percent what you need
him to be only I can be that to you and so I felt like you need like a
friend yeah I felt like he was so gracious to show me that so early on
because it really set up for not that I never had another expectation
you know I try I think we kind of do that natural we have to remind
ourselves to kind of bring it in and and not expect not not put those
expectations on someone else and make them feel like they have to live
up to it all the time you know because that's that's a lot of weight we
don't want to have those expectations on us so try not to put it on them
too real quick what is your favorite marriage book Ephesians and Titus
actual book mine I think is the Ten Commandments of Marriage his name
escapes me right now Ed Young I believe love and respect is pretty good
respect okay how do you decide on a tie percent is it gross or net well
this is going to be an individual family related question we started
ours before we even got married we were already giving whatever God put
you on your heart I mean we go towards we gravitate towards that the
gross you know let's say a person makes five thousand dollars a month
then they're they're setting aside five hundred dollars for tithe you
don't have to do ten percent but it's a real good principle to follow
and so what happens that as you restructure your life around that God's
a priority not now maybe I'll fit him in later and we've we've never
looked back he's he's been faithful in so many areas when we were buying
a house our lender actually said you don't need to count this giving you
can buy a you know a nicer home but no that was one of our bills so we
kind of went into the marriage but I think a husband a wife need to
agree on it also if it's gonna put you in a financial bind right now you
need to work towards it maybe maybe downscale a little bit but you'll
never go wrong putting God first so it shouldn't be what's the minimal
amount I can give versus what's what does God put on a heart what God
loves a cheerful giver in the New Testament it's not a you have to give
10% or you have to do this it's it's cheerful we should want to so we
actually we actually enjoy giving back to God giving back to this church
right off right off the gross before any taxes and things come out but I
think you can tell me if I'm wrong but in my opinion if you're a couple
struggling between gross and net and one wants gross and one wants net
if you're the woman I would just advise let him make that decision it's
not like you're deciding should we go spend all this money in Vegas or
should we not this is a decision he wants to please the Lord he wants to
honor the Lord he wants to do what's right I would just trust that and
let the Lord lead him honestly but well let me just let me just close
out in prayer God our hope is that this Q&A would Lord draw more
marriages to you we we we just publicly confess it our total reliance on
you God we need you in our marriages and our homes our children I pray
you begin to build marriages this evening

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Video: https://sermonindex2.b-cdn.net/_JcaTwRWOr0.mp4
Source: https://sermonindex.net/speakers/shane-idleman/marriage-question-and-answer/
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