02 The Wilderness of Forgiveness

The Wilderness of Forgiveness The old man has left the traveler standing alone at the edge of the desert as darkness falls. The lights of Christian City beckon from beyond him. I can imagine him thinking of the warmth of a friendly conversation over a warm meal and of going a sleep in a comfortable bed. But then his expression becomes resolute and he murmurs, "This is doubtless the road I have to take. I will find my life only by losing it, that’s a certainty. But how can I know that if I take this path into the desert I will assuredly be lost in God and not merely lost? I can remember many people who took a solitary path which led them not to the City of God, but into such unreal thoughts and spurious experiences that their minds and lives were destroyed. Surely the danger of settling for less than life in Christian City has to be weighed against the possibility of losing it in a wilderness of spiritual delusion. I’m sure that the darkness beyond contains not only the path to the City of God, but also countless trap doors to hell, where one can be lost in lonely vanity. How can I be sure of distinguishing the true path?"

What I first think in my dreams to be a star hanging low over the horizon now take the shape of a cross hanging directly above the path in front of the traveler. He looks up and notices it, his face showing recognition. He whispers quietly, "Forgiveness." And then with deep reverence quotes: "Therefore Jesus also, that He might sanctify the people through His own blood, suffered outside the gate. So, let us go out to Him outside the camp, bearing His reproach. For here we do not have a lasting city, but we are seeking the city which is to come." (Hebrews 13:12-14) "Yes, I will go on!" the traveler says exultantly, taking his first steps into the desert. As dawn breaks he sees nothing but sand and sky and a path which can be distinguished from all the others by the cross which hovers where the trail meets the horizon. As the day wears on it is obvious that the traveler is weary, thirsty, sick with heat. Just when it appears he cannot trudge another step, a stranger appears at his side.

"Over the next hill you will find a spring," she says.

"Keep going, you are almost there," she encourages him.

He is soon lying by a spring, drinking water and eating food which the helpful stranger provides.

"This is the Wilderness of Forgiveness," she explains to the traveler. "People often expect God’s forgiveness to be like a beautiful park with fountains and rivers and green grass. They cannot understand why it should be a desert. Yet one has to learn that God’s forgiveness is everything – everything! And this is possible only in a desert, where a Christian comes to see nothing, appreciate nothing, hope in nothing but the cross of Jesus." She quotes several passages from Galatians to the traveler:

"But may it never be that I would boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. For neither is circumcision anything, nor uncircumcision, but a new creation. And those who will walk by this rule, peace and mercy be upon them, and upon the Israel of God." (Galatians 6:14-16)

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly." (Galatians 2:20-21) "Do you think the apostle Paul traveled this Wilderness?" asks the traveler.

"Yes, he did. For years Paul had worked very hard in the City of Religion, to be a religious man. Still he found no peace for his spirit. Then Paul met Jesus; and from the start, Jesus meant one thing to Paul: forgiveness. He was overwhelmed with it. The forgiveness of the cross was the theme of his life from then on. But Paul’s first experience of the Kingdom of God as a reality in his life was right in this wilderness."

"So I’m walking where the apostles walked." The traveler’s voice is full of awe.

"Remember when Peter lowered the net at the command of Jesus and brought it up loaded with fish? His immediate response was, ’Go away from me Lord, for I am a sinful man!’ (Luke 5:8) Jesus answered, ’Do not fear, from now on you will be catching men.’ (Luke 5:10) Implied in Jesus’ answer was, ’I will take care of your sin.’ And when they brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed Jesus – followed Him here into this Wilderness of Forgiveness in pursuit of a cross. After Jesus had died for Peter’s sins and risen for his justification and was about to fill Peter with the Holy Spirit, He said to this man who had denied Him three times, ’Simon, son of John, do you love Me?... Tend My lambs.’ (John 21:15) And with this thrice-repeated question and command, Peter’s life was healed with the forgiveness of his Lord."

"For years," the traveler tells her, "I’ve been trying to get beyond theoretical, doctrinal forgiveness, most probably what is taught in Christian City, in order to know forgiveness itself. I’ve wanted to be immersed, baptized, LOST, in it. I have longed to hear Jesus say to me personally, ’Take heart, brother your sins are forgiven.’ I’ve wanted to have the blood of the cross flow into my heart and purify it."

"You have come to the right place. Before you reach the other side of this Wilderness, you will experience the relief of having that load of guilt, which still, in fact, weighs you down like a rock, rolled away. You will begin to walk before God without shame. Just as you were once obsessed with the need to build yourself up, you will soon be obsessed with the forgiveness of God."

"Obsessed with the forgiveness of God?"

"You will become so obsessed with God’s mercy that you will be free, for the first time in your life, of other peoples opinions."

"Ha! Not me." His response is immediate.

"The woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears was obsessed with His forgiveness to the point where she was heedless of the jeers and opinions of others. Or the cleaned leper – he joyfully fell at Jesus’ feet giving thanks for more than the cleansing of his body; he had received the inner healing of forgiveness. When Zachaeus climbed a tree to see Jesus, he was watching his own forgiveness walking toward him down the road. So obsessed was he with the forgiveness which visited his life that day the chains of covetousness broke from his heart. You have come to the place where it will happen to you." The traveler resumes his journey, his mysterious companion walking silently by his side for an hour or two then suddenly disappearing.

"What joy I feel!" the traveler exclaims aloud. "This must be what the disciples felt as they returned to Jerusalem after the ascension of Jesus."

"In the cross-shaped light, the traveler makes out the figure of another woman rising over the crest of the next dune and walking slowly down the slope toward him. He appears to recognize her. From his expression I gather that this person has wronged him. Her eyes are fixed on the traveler as she comes up to him.

"Will you forgive me?" she asks. The traveler stops still. The woman draws closer, asking a second time, "Will you forgive me?" They are face to face when she asks for the third time, "Will you forgive me?" The traveler’s mysterious companion is again at his side, quietly instructing him, "This Wilderness of Forgiveness is not only a place for receiving forgiveness, but also for giving it. This woman is but the first of a procession of people from your past whom you have never really forgiven. The supernatural forbearance which has flooded your being all day is being challenged by the bitterness buried in your soul for all these years. You have to make a choice. The sterile, shallow, lip service forgiveness of your past life is powerless even to be polite to this woman. But the forgiveness of God which has been flowing in to the point of becoming an obsession can flow out now if you will allow it to." The traveler reaches out, takes the woman by the hand, looks into her eyes and replies, "Of course I forgive you!"

She weeps. And just as she forms the words, "Thank you," she is gone.

Then the man who called the traveler a fool in the restaurant back in Christian City comes running and panting toward him. Mopping his face with his handkerchief, the troubled man begins to beg forgiveness.

"Of course, of course," the traveler replies heartily. "It’s nothing. Don’t think another thing about it."

"Please don’t take this matter so lightly. I NEED your forgiveness. Will you REALLY forgive me, from the bottom of your heart?"

"But I already have," returns the traveler. His companion illuminates the situation for him: "He needs your FORGIVENESS. Not courtesy, but active, genuine forgiveness. He needs your LOVE."

"My friend, you are forgiven," the traveler tells him earnestly with respect in his voice. With visible relief the man sighs, "Thank you!" and disappears into the desert air. His companion reminds him of Matthew 18:21-22 :

Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him?" ..."I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."