0A.08. A SHORT SOLILOQUY FOR AN UNREGENERATE SINNER
A SHORT SOLILOQUY FOR AN UNREGENERATE SINNER
Ah! wretched man that I am! What a condition have I brought myself into by sin! Oh ! I see my heart has deceived me all this while, in flattering me that my condition was good. I see, I see, I am but a lost and undone man, for ever undone, unless the Lord help me out of this condition. My sins! My sins! Lord, what an unclean, polluted wretch I am! More loathsome and odious to Thee than the most hateful venom or noisome carcass can be to me. Oh ! what a hell of sin is in this heart of mine, which I have flattered myself to be a good heart! Lord, how universally am I corrupted, in all my parts, powers, performances! All the imaginations of my heart are only evil continually. I am under an inability to, and aversion from, and an enmity against any-thing that is good; and am prone to all that is evil. My heart is a very sink of sin: and oh the innumerable hosts and swarms of sinful thoughts, words and actions that have flowed from it! Oh the load of guilt that is on my soul! My head is full, and my heart is full; my mind and my members, they are all full of sin. Oh my sins! How do they stare upon me! Woe is me, my creditors are upon me: every commandment takes hold upon me, for more than ten thousand talents, yes, ten thousand times ten thousand. How endless then is the sum of all my debts! If this whole world were filled up from earth to heaven with paper, and all this paper written over within and without by arithmeticians, yet, when all were added up, it would come inconceivably short of what I owe to the least of God’s commandments. Woe unto me, for my debts are infinite, and my sins are increased. They are wrongs to an infinite Majesty, and if he that commits treason against a silken mortal is worthy to be racked, drawn and quartered; what have I deserved that have so often lifted up my hand against Heaven, and have struck at the crown and dignity of the Almighty?
Oh my sins! my sins! Behold, a troop comes! Multitudes! multitudes! there is no number of their armies. Innumerable evils have compassed me about; mine iniquities have taken hold upon me; they have set themselves against me. Oh! it were better to have all the regiments of hell come against me, than to have my sins fall upon me, to the spoiling of my soul. Lord, how am I surrounded! How many are they that rise up against me! They have beset me behind and before; they swarm within me and without me; they have possessed all my powers, and have fortified my unhappy soul as a garrison, which this brood of hell mans and maintains against the God that made me. And they are as mighty as they are many. The sands are many, but then they are not great: the mountains great but then they are not many. But woe is me, my sins are as many as the sands, and as mighty as the mountains. Their weight is greater than their number. It were better that the rocks and the mountains should fall upon me, than the crushing and unsupportable load of my own sins. Lord, I am heavy laden; let mercy help, or I am gone. Unload me of this heavy guilt, this sinking load, or I am crushed without hope, and must be pressed down to hell. If my grief were thoroughly weighed, and my sins laid in the balance together, they would be heavier than the sand of the sea; therefore my words are swallowed up: they would weigh down all the rocks and the hills, and turn the balance against all the isles of the earth. O Lord, Thou knowest my manifold transgressions, and my mighty sins.
Ah, my soul! Alas, my glory! How are you humbled! Once the glory of the creation, and the image of God: now, a lump of filthiness, a coffin of rottenness, replenished with stench and loathsomeness. Oh what work has sin made with you! You shall be termed `Forsaken’ and all the rooms of your faculties `Desolate’, and the name that you shall be called by is ’Ichabod’, or, `Where is the glory?’ How are you come down mightily I My beauty is turned into deformity, and my glory into shame. Lord, what a loathsome leper am 11 The ulcerous bodies of Job or Lazarus were not more offensive to the eyes and nostrils of men, than I must needs be to the most holy God, whose eyes cannot behold iniquity. And what misery have my sins brought upon me! Lord, what a state I am in! Sold under sin, cast out of God’s favour, accursed from the Lord, cursed in my body, cursed in my soul, cursed in my name, in my estate, my relations, and all that I have. My sins are unpardoned, and my soul within a step of death. Alas! what shall I do? Where shall I go? Which way shall I look? God is frowning on me from above, hell gaping for me beneath, conscience smiting me within, temptations and dangers surrounding me without. Oh, where shall I fly? What place can hide me from Omniscience? What power can secure me from Omnipotence?
What do you mean, O my soul, to go on thus? Are you in league with hell? Have you made a covenant with death? Are you in love with your misery? Is it good for you to be here? Alas, what shall I do? Shall I go on in my sinful ways? Why then, certain damnation will be my end; and shall I be so besotted and mad as to go and sell my soul to the flames, for a little ale, or a little ease, for a little pleasure or gain or comfort to my flesh? Shall 1 linger any longer in this wretched state? No: if I tarry here I shall die. What then, is there no help? No hope? None, except I turn. Why, but is there any remedy for such woeful misery? Any mercy after such provoking iniquity? Yes: as sure as God’s oath is true, I shall have pardon and mercy yet, if I presently, unfeignedly, and unreservedly turn by Christ to Him.
Why then, I thank Thee upon the bended knees of my soul, O most merciful Jehovah, that Thy patience has waited for me hitherto; for hadst Thou taken me away in this state, I had perished for ever. And now I adore Thy grace, and accept the offers of Thy mercy, I renounce all my sins, and resolve by Thy grace to set myself against them, and to follow Thee in holiness and righteousness all the days of my life. Who am 1, Lord, that I should make any claim to Thee, or have any part or portion in Thee, who am not worthy to lick up the dust of Thy feet? Yet since Thou holdest forth the golden sceptre, I am bold to come and touch. To despair would be to disparage Thy mercy; and to stand off when Thou biddest me come would be at once to undo myself and rebel against Thee under pretence of humility. Therefore I bow my soul unto Thee, and with all possible thankfulness accept Thee as mine, and give up myself to Thee as Thine. Thou shalt be Sovereign over me, my King, and my God. Thou shalt be on the throne, and all my powers shall bow to Thee, they shall come and worship before Thy feet. Thou shalt be my portion, O Lord, and I will rest in Thee.
Thou callest for my heart. Oh that it were any way fit for Thine acceptance! I am unworthy, O Lord, everlastingly unworthy to be Thine. But since Thou wilt have it so, I freely give my heart to Thee. Take it, it is Thine. Oh that it were better! But Lord, I put it into Thy hands, who alone canst mend it. Mould it after Thine own heart; make it as Thou wouldst have it, holy, humble, heavenly, soft, tender, flexible, and write Thy law upon it.
Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly. Enter in triumphantly. Take me up for Thyself for ever. I give myself to Thee, I come to Thee, as the only way to the Father, as the only Mediator, the means ordained to bring me to God. I have destroyed myself, but in Thee is my help. Save, Lord, or else I perish. I come to Thee, with the rope about my neck. I am worthy to die and to be damned. Never was the hire more due to the servant, never was penny more due to the labourer, than death and hell, my just wages, are due to me for my sins. But I fly to Thy merits; I trust alone to the value and virtue of Thy sacrifice, and prevalence of Thy intercession. 1 submit to Thy teaching, I make choice of Thy government. Stand open, ye everlasting doors, that the King of Glory may enter in.
O Thou Spirit of the Most High, the Comforter and Sanctifier of Thy chosen, come in with all Thy glorious train, all Thy courtly attendants, Thy fruits and graces. Let me be Thine habitation. I can give Thee but what is Thine own already; but here with the widow I give my two mites, my soul and my body, into Thy treasury, fully resigning them up to Thee, to be sanctified by Thee, to be servants to Thee. They shall be Thy patients; cure Thou their maladies. They shall be Thy agents; govern Thou their actions. Too long have I served the world; too long have I hearkened to Satan; but now I renounce them all, and will be ruled by Thy dictates and directions, and guided by Thy counsel.
O blessed Trinity, O glorious Unity, I deliver myself up to Thee. Receive me: write Thy name, O Lord, upon me, and upon all that I have, as Thy proper goods. Set Thy mark upon me, upon every member of my body, and every faculty of my soul. I have chosen Thy precepts. Thy law will I lay before me; this shall be the copy which I will keep in my eye, and study to write after. According to this rule do I resolve by Thy grace to walk: after this law shall my whole man be governed. And though I cannot perfectly keep one of Thy commandments, yet I will allow myself in the breach of none. I know my flesh will hang back: but I resolve, in the power of Thy grace, to cleave to Thee and Thy holy ways, whatever it cost me. I am sure I cannot come off a loser by Thee: and therefore I will be content with reproach, and difficulties and hardships here, and will deny myself, and take up Thy cross, and follow Thee. Lord Jesus, Thy yoke is easy, Thy cross is welcome, as it is the way to Thee. I lay aside all hopes of a worldly happiness. I will be content to tarry till I come to Thee. Let me be poor and low, little and despised here, so I may be but admitted to live and reign with Thee hereafter. Lord, Thou hast my heart and hand to this agreement. Be it as the laws of the Medes and Persians, never to be reversed. To this I will stand: in this resolution, by Thy grace, 1 will live and die. I have sworn, and will perform it, that I will keep Thy righteous judgments. 1 have given my free consent, I have made my everlasting choice. Lord Jesus, confirm the contract. Amen.