KrispyKrittr wrote:
So how does someone like Haggard do what he did... and then condemn it in front of the entire nation with apparently no fear that he'll be exposed? Or maybe he did fear it. Can you imagine the stress that had to create for him?
I have to say that I get it, because I have been there. I must say though, Krispy this kind of thing occuring really drives home the "superiority" of a "house church" expression of worship, over the "institutional".
For these "professional types", there is so much riding on what they do, as far as needing to support their family, or whatever, that the temptation is to sweep sin under the carpet, rather than allow it to be exposed. Imagine the fear associated with that attitude, especially in light of what Haggard has been hiding. Perhaps he thought that he was only doing it "temporarily" while he sorted out his issuses, and then would come out as one with a "testimony of victory"?
I know for myself, I wrestled with pornography and masturbation, while I was in the youth ministry. In my mind, I thought that if I came out, I would have to step down, and there would be no one there for the kids. The fact is, it came to a point where I did "have" to come clean, because my behaviour began to escalate. Sadly, out of all the kids that I ministered to, around 5% are still in church.
If I'm honest, looking back, I wasn't even saved in that time, but was a mere "poster boy" for all that the system represented. I preached the hardest, prayed the hardest, had all my apologetic ducks in a row, and shared my faith regularly. I was fully convinced that the Bible was inerrant, that homosexuality, abortion, fornication, etc was sinful, and would preach against it, so that people wouldn't end up being "like me" or worse.
For myself, being in that place was a living hell. I once heard someone say that the backslider is truly a tragic figure because he has enough of [b]God in him to not enjoy sin[/b], and enough [b]sin in him to not enjoy God[/b]. I could relate to that. Psychologists would tell us that, as parents, our greatest fears are usually that our children would grow up to be like us. We end up spending most our time trying to discipline them when they do the tings that we do/did, that have been damaging to us. This is done, not realising that they can benefit from those same qualities, if they are better directed.
For myself, a similar logic applied to my ministry, in that I fought hard to stop them becoming what I was becoming, thinking that I was qualified to do so, on the basis that I was there, and knew how I got there. I also knew that they looked up to me, and wanted to emulate me, so I tried to conceal the behaviour, just in case they sought to replicate that also. My fall from grace was very dramtic, and handled secretly, at the request of my pastor.
The sad thing is, when I see some of those youth today, they look back to that time as the only period of "authentic Christianity" that they had lived, because I preached a straight message and went through the motions, like few others did. They tell me this when I tell them the tale of God's dealings with me, and how he has been slowly breaking and reforming me over the past two or three years. They tell me in the spirit of "Don't be so hard on yourself, it wasn't all that bad" and when I gently unveil the reality of what was going on, they usually go into a stunned silence, as they start to consider if their experiences with God have ever been real, also. Thankfully, the Lord has often graciously led them into reality, as a result, but sadly for some, the damage had already been done.
My other dealings in this area came just before I began coming to SermonIndex. I had just made the decision to break free from a pornograhic addiction which I had been hiding from my wife around two years. Again, I felt that to expose myself would cause more damage than help, and so I thought to myself, "What's the problem? It's no longer happening, so nobody needs to know." Again I was aware of the fact that porn is sin, and I loathed sin, so therefore I loathed myself.
After a one day relapse, my wife found out, and I was faced with the choice of lying about it, or confessing. I had actually taken pains to establish a water tight alliby, and had denied it when she confronted me with it. Thankfully I did come clean, and after nearly losing my marriage as a result of the pornography, the lies about it, and my violent reaction to her hurting behaviour over the whole thing, we did come to the point of reconciliation. Don't get me wrong, the nerves are still raw, and possibly could be forever, but the fact is, there is no doubt of our love for each other after coming through such a firey trial (for those who know about my present personal issues, they have contributed to the present situatuion, on top of a multitude of others).
It has only been over the past month or so that I have began speaking to people about this (except for to the people who knew what was going on, at the time) because I felt it important that I received no social benefit from this experience, until I knew that I was capable of allowing God to receive the glory without my touching it. I discussed it with my wife, because she had mentioned the fact that she didn't want people to know, at the time, and she encouraged me to tell. She had actually reached the point where she was concerned that I might by hiding tha fact from people, in order to hide my weaknesses from them (terrible balancing act, this life).
Two weeks ago, when I told a young man that has continually insisted upon "placing himself under my wing", the poor guy was brought face to face with his need to surrender to God, after seeing the extent of the terms that God required of my for mine. I say this not to boast, for I have nothing to boast of, because it was only by my shameful actions (which still fill me with feelings of self loathing whenever I consider them) that I could be brought to this point, because I am such a proud man, by nature.
For those who have been around here a while, you may remember that I was extremely contentious when I got here, and then suddenly I dropped off the face of the earth, so to speak, and came back a degree softer than when I left. Well this is what was going on at the time. All of my theories were being put to the test, and I came up with a big fat "F"...but that's what God was waiting for.
The point is this, while bound in pornography, I was a zealot for truth, harsh against sin, and active [b]for[/b] God. I was still "dazzling people" with the revelations that I put forth (much of which has since been proved erroneous) and my wife looked up to me, as the one in the relationship who was "spiritual". To lose this was too high a price to pay, and I was incapable of paying it willingly, in order to be set free from my sin, and so God graciously allowed me the shame of being exposed.
The whole time that I had allowed myself to participate in that sin, the shame that I felt was so intense, that it felt like I had been violated, except that I was my own assailant. This meant that any desire for revenge had to be self directed. Being both guilty and victim at the same time, forgiveness seemed impossible, because I couldn't justify forgiving myself, and yet I knew that that was the key to receiving forgiveness that I knew I didn't deserve.
Note that I am in no way justifying this behaviour. Just as the ultimate demonstration of God's love, that being the Cross, doesn't justify sin as it justifes the sinner, neither do resulting benefits justify these horrific actions, regardless of motive. I will need to endure the shame of knowing that this "amazing grace" has "saved a [b]WRETCH[/b] like me" until my dying day, and it will never allow me the luxury of thinking highly of myself. But isn't that the way it's meant to be? The point is that He can do something through me, not that I can do something for him.
I am so glad that I have been [b]reduced[/b] to a mere set of fingers behind a keyboard who can facelessly share my opinions in relative "thankless anominity". My more [b]physical component[/b] has the privilidge enduring the shame of counterfeigt converts' resistance, while attending a fellowship containing proported believers, as well as multiplied rejection at the hands of hecklers while preaching from a soap box. This misunderstanding is so much greater a compliment than all the accolades that I received as a "minister of the gospel". The ultimate irony being, that I now feel that I am one, while then I tried to be one with all my might.
He is the one who deserves [b]all[/b] the glory, and I, for one, am more than happy to let Him have what He deserves, in its entirety. If this is what I costs for Him to have it, then I'll sell all that I have to pay it (and then max out my credit cards:-)).
(Sorry for the length, I get a bit carried away sometimes)
