Hi Murray...
Please understand that all we can offer you is advice. Yet under the present circumstances (particularly regarding "this glass darkly" [I Cor. 13:11-12] in which we see all such things), what makes us think that our advice is any more spiritual than that of Job's friends? We should be steadfast in not trying to explain such matters, but instead, to remind one another to seek the face of God for an answer.
Indeed, there are no easy answers in this situation -- regardless of what the optimistic proud would have us believe. However, the only "easy" answer should be our recommendation that you spend time in intimate prayer with God over this. Just an intimate time in His Presence, where we come naked and transparent, often brings clarity from things that aren't exactly clear.
In addition to the anecdote that I relayed about my sister and her ex-husband, I offer two more:
My mother became pregnant with my oldest sister when she was only 14 or 15. Her boyfriend (my physical father) did the "noble" thing and married her. Within four years, my mother had two more children (another sister and myself). However, she was in an abusive relationship. My father often beat my mother -- sometimes in front of her sisters (my aunts). When my father learned that my mom was pregnant with me, he told her that she needed to have an abortion. She refused. My mother took an awful beating for this. In fact, my father tried to cause a miscarriage through these beatings. He repeatedly kicked her in the stomach when she was pregnant with me. Finally, my mother left him.
My father was at work one day when her teenage sisters helped her pack. She caught a ride with a friend (a truck driver) to Virginia. My mother and father quickly divorced. My father never attempted to reconcile or even contact us. So here was my mother: Unsaved, divorced, and pregnant with her third child. Since she came from a very "proud" family, my mother refused to take government assistance. She felt that such economic aid was for "people who REALLY needed it." So my mother worked at a 7/11 convenience store, eventually working her way into management. On the weekends, she waited tables at a local restaurants for tips.
A few years later, my mother met my "dad." My dad was a military man stationed at a nearby base. During the weekday mornings, my dad frequented the restaurant where my mother worked on the weekends. One day, he happened to want breakfast on the weekend. They met, eventually fell "in love," and married within a nine months. This was my dad's first (and only) marriage. Although he was a faithful Lutheran, he had never had a real experience with the Lord.
Growing up, my dad always treated us like we were his own flesh-and-blood children. He was a true father figure, and he never betrayed our trust. At one point, he even took up a second job in order to earn enough so that my mom wouldn't have to keep working. He spent time with us, taught us a great many things, and genuinely loved us. Even after my mom later gave birth to my little sister (a "real" child for my dad), my dad never treated us any differently. He was a very good man. Even though neither my Mom nor my Dad knew the Lord, they made certain that we went to Church EVERY Sunday (via Church bus, van, or dropping us off).
When I was in the fourth grade, my mother met the Lord. My dad had recently been transferred to Millington, Tennessee, a small community just outside of Memphis. The mother of a friend of mine invited my mom to a Bible study and prayer meeting. A lot of the local mothers at the military base met once a week for a prayer meeting/Bible study, and my mom really enjoyed it. This woman then invited my mom to attend Church. That Sunday, my mom and my oldest sister attended Raleigh Assembly of God Church in Memphis, Tennessee. Like all good testimonies, my mother and my sister were felt good, Biblical conviction of their sins. At the end of the service, they went to the "prayer rooms" to repent of their sins. By the time the Church bus dropped us off, my mom still had not arrived home. When she did arrive home an hour or two later, we could tell something had happened. My mom and oldest sister (who was 12 at the time) couldn't stop talking about the wonderful thing that had happened to them! The following Sunday, my mom told us that we wouldn't take the bus anymore. Rather, she was taking us to Church from now on! My dad didn't attend, but he encouraged my mother to keep seeking the Lord.
As my mom immediately began growing in the Lord, she often spoke with fellow believers when she had questions about Scripture. She often called the pastor (an older gentleman named J.D. Middlebrook) and assistant pastor (Dennis) for Scriptural advice. They were very patient with my mom, and often encouraged her to search the Scriptures for her own answers. They reminded her that they didn't know everything -- and that the only sure word that we have is what is written in the Word of God. Even the less essential "doctrines" of the AoG Church were certainly open to discussion (except those things that are abundantly clear from Scripture).
One day, my mom happened upon the verses pertaining to marriage, remarriage and divorce. She was devastated! She grabbed her Strong's Concordance and looked up every verse she could find about divorce. She wondered if she, according to the Scripture, needed to divorce my "dad" (her wonderful current husband) and return to her abusive first husband. After being unable to find an answer on her own, she contacted the assistant pastor (Dennis). Dennis and his wife were more than happy to meet with my mom. My mom explained her situation clearly to them, including her questions about her present "dilemma."
Pastor Dennis and his wife were quick to point out the lack of clarity concerning the Scriptures in this matter. Dennis explained that various denominations have extremely different perspectives on such issues. In fact, he told my mom about some of the heated discussions that would take place at the yearly major Council meetings in the Assemblies of God concerning preachers and remarriage. He calmed my mom's fears by telling her that she was not "living in sin." My mom had a true conversion experience, and that what was past was now forgotten. Yes, there would always be some "natural" elements of the past (children, husband, scars, etc...), but he reminder her what was "old has been made new."
Pastor Dennis told my mom that the lack of clarity in such matters from Scripture is often a very loud proclamation about how little God felt that we needed to know about such issues. God could very well have included passages that contained minute details about such "important" matters -- but He chose not to. Dennis and his wife told my mom that they offered no definitive answer to her situation, but that God was a good Father, and He was sure to work with my mom where she was. "[i][u]ALL[/u] of the old is made new[/i]," he reminded her. They assured my mom that they would quietly pray for her in this situation. My mom, of course, also prayed.
My mom "realized" that the best thing to do was to do nothing. She felt that the Lord's hand was certainly on our lives, and that He was big enough to overlook the sins of her past and deal with her in the present. She continued to serve the Lord with gladness, knowing that the Lord was more than able to direct her in the right direction. A few years later, my dad came to know the Lord. Even though he is not my biological father, he is certainly my dad. I've never really had a desire to meet or know my physical, earthly father (except to perhaps tell him about the Lord). My dad [u]IS[/u] my father (in my eyes).
I am reminded that the Lord's "lack of clarity" to our earthly minds might also be clarity itself. While the O.T. Law of Moses indeed instructed that an adulterous individual be executed, Joseph thought otherwise. Matthew 1:19 states:
Being a "just" man, or a "righteous" man -- Joseph was willing to DISOBEY the letter of the law (or at least how that "letter of the law" appeared to him). Instead, Joseph was willing to quietly divorce the woman that he thought had cheated on him instead of causing her to experience public disgrace. Ironically, there are members of the Church who would rather that some experience such public or private humiliation. They are willing to "force into submission" the letter of the "New Testament law" -- which is often speculative at best. Otherwise, they are willing to ostricize those with whom they disagree -- and label them with a metaphoric "scarlett letter" for their "disobedience." They remind us that the Word of God is "black and white" -- but forget the grace that comes with the red letter edition, formed with the blood of our Savior, who was crucified according to the "letter of the law."
Brother, I am not saying that the Word is never clear and that it should be followed according to our own interpretation. I am just saying to be careful about individuals who feel that their interpretation is supreme (and the only one that matters). They forget that God deals with us both collectively, but more importantly, INDIVIDUALLY. While Christ told the rich young ruler to go and "sell everything" and THEN come follow Him, we forget that Zacchaeus (that "wee little man") only decided to give only half of his belongings to the poor when Jesus proclaimed, [i]Salvation has come to this house today[/i]!" Be careful of Job's friends -- who think that they know the Lord well enough to advise others in just about all things.
There is an individual who used to attend our Church who recently left his second wife and returned to his first wife "BECAUSE OF THE LORD." His second wife and children are completely devastated. I've since wondered whether the Lord would ever cause a man to do this, break up a good and godly relationship and family, in order to fulfill the letter or the law?
As I said before, I am praying for you in this. I do not pretend to know a definitive answer. If your wife is indeed committing adultery, then it appears to fall under the New Testament means for divorce. Were you ever truly married? I would imagine that you entered into a sacred covenant before God and man -- regardless of whether or not you really knew what you were doing. The governing authority (the United States) seems to think so. Of course, I really don't know the certainty of this situation. But I will certainly be holding you in my prayers, brother. I am also praying for your wife. Don't fear -- for the Lord is always here. I pray that He leads you and guides you through this circumstance.
:-)
