HELP - Am I still Married????

Well... according to scripture, since there was no adultry, then if you remarried someone else you would be committing adultry. So by the definition of adultry, I would say that you're still "married" in the eyes of God. I do agree with Preach, it's proper to make things legal in the eyes of the government tho. If you're going to give it another go then I would recommend you get married "legally" before you resume "husband and wife" relations. I think that would be proper and godly.

But so what? The fact is, since you're both believers, then you have an obligation before God to get things right between you and with His strength make your marriage work. This might involve a lot of counceling, etc... prayer and fasting... whatever it takes.

You might think it would be easier to just find someone new, but frankly it would only be a matter of time before you end up in the same boat with Mr. New Guy... except now scripture says you're in an adultrous relationship.

The right thing is usually the hard thing. But in the spirit of forgiveness and love, and in light of your newly God revealed revelations about your own contributions to the break up... I think you can make this thing work.

Krispy

Verbal abusive?? Thats it?

Some had it worse like being physically abused and mentally abused, many have stuck with it. You should have just gotten separated until you were able to find out what his problem was and come to find out that you were part of the problem.

According to the word of God and since there was no fornication, regardless of a legal document stating that you are divorced, your actually still married. And since you both aren't sexually seeing anyone, you should make arrangements to be legally married again.

Matthew 19:9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

So in the meantime you should spend some quality time together, and continue with your bible study. The only thing that will stand in your way is your pride, and the simple fact that your probably enjoying your freedom as a single person, that too can be a hinderance.

If you have friends that counsel you say "ditch him", you've got bad friends, it's time to ditch them.

I'm sorry, but this comment does absolutely no good

Verbal abuse can be just as bad and I know what thats like being called stupid by my Dad and saying I'll never amount to anything. Well, he was wrong, I did amount to something, and I am not stupid. My Mother didn't know who she was after my Dad died, she wasn't even a woman. She had to learn what being a woman was, she was touchy, overly sensitive. She had her own anger issues that needed to be addresssed.

But I don't recant what I said to Melinda, because her response was well worth it. I will be praying for you and Mark, Melinda and thank you for sharing. I am glad to hear that your taking things slow, because my Dad never gave the LORD that opportunity, and he WAS a believer that had carried his anger over from his relationship with his father.

Mark also needs to learn to let go of his ex wife and stop comparing her to you.

I will pray for you and Mark, Melinda. I have heard alot stories of some of the things that women go through being married. I could never tell anyone what to do when it comes to staying with your spouse or leaving, it's a hard decision to make. I will say this though, I feel like marriage depending on how bad it is can almost be described as a prison to some. If you feel like the Lord wants you to stay than that is your prison. Christians all over the world are in prison just for being christians but God will reward you for it. Just for some encouragement, God is ultimately in control of this situation. You may have to obey your husband but your husband also has a higher authority over him. I have seen instances where alot of men have died prematurely because they were abusive. There is always a price to pay for abusing your spouse and if you fear God you will think twice before doing it.

Alot of women are going through the very same thing you are. I know this woman who went to a funeral with her husband and her husband decided that he wanted to leave so he just left her there. He treats her like that everyday. She is a God fearing woman though and she is a prayer warrior.

Hopefully though Mark will turn into a God fearing man and you can spend your time being persecuted for being a christian rather than being persecuted for marrying someone who is abusive.

I also wanted to tell you about this websight that might bless you, it's called [url=http://www.reviveourhearts.com/]Revive Our Hearts by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.[/url] You may have already heard of it but just in case.There are some very powerful messages here for women and from women who have been through some of the very things you are going through.

Hi Melinda,

There are a number of very long threads on marriage and divorce, which you could pick your way through, if you want a very full understanding of biblical advice that has been given in a variety of situations.

But really, I decided to post because of this which you said, which didn't appear on the first page of this thread (as far as I can see), and which is extremely relevant, namely

my ex-wife is a better lover than you, my ex-wife is a better wife than you...

Don't you think this has a bearing on his situation, and you, being a woman, are not necessarily coming under conviction of the Holy Ghost, but condemnation - the condemnation of legalism?

By 'being a woman' I mean, that you have been created to accommodate the man you marry. Everything in you wants to be conformed to your husband's desire. He, on the other hand, wants the world to accommate him, in particular, his wife. But there are boundaries in the way God has created us, which help to keep us in healthy relationships, and there is His word, which directs us towards health relationships.

I also was married to someone who called me those things, but he was battling with EDITED (at the general request of moderator PaulWest on the next page from this): personality disorders - the results of childhood trauma - end EDIT, and had not been honest with me about his spiritual condition - as I had not been honest with him about mine - although for both of us, there was much we had not recognised was relevant; if a person doesn't recognise their own childhood as truamatic, then every word of preaching about healing is lost on the hearer.

From what you have shared (and please don't feel to have to share stuff on open forum which later you will regret having revealed), your primary concern is to be pleasing to God. Amen.

I can testify that I also grappled with whether my salvation was somehow affected by having divorced, and God had to take me on a very long journey to show me that [u]it isn't[/u]. The crowning moment of this journey, was when He healed me from twelve years of grieving over not having been able to make the marriage work.

I had left in faith towards God, for the sake of my children, and it slowly became apparent their father would never be well enough to fulfil his role safely, while they were still children. Breaking abusive cycles is very important for the next generation, and none of the privations we went through (like a very low food budget), would I exchange for more money in that abusive household.

Now, in the last year, the father of my children has been able to own up in a simple way (for the first time), to many of the things he denied during the decade of our marriage, and since. God gave me what I needed to carry on believing Him. In fact, my relationship with Him became much more real, once I was not looking to a man who was unsubmitted to God, for leadership.

So, I have come to believe there is forgiveness for marrying the wrong person. I do not believe God's definition of marriage includes being abused [i]at all[/i]. I know relationships can have their bad moments, but when the abuse is a lifestyle, no matter what - with hindsight - you could have done differently, the solution to your lone situation now, is repentance. You do not have to return to an abusive marriage. God will wash you clean of all the things you now see as sins, and He will set your feet on a rock, and from this vantage point, you can seek His will.

Certainly, your ex-husband as a Christian has also to go through this same process with regard to his first marriage, and both of you have to refocus your lives on Christ, before you should risk another relationship - even with your ex-husband.

If you are meant to get together again, there is any amount of time for that to become clear to both of you, but while you are both legally unmarried again, this is how you should behave towards each other, and, in the sight of God.

This is getting long... so... another post follows.

There is a belief amongst some, that the marriage vows are made [i]to God[/i]. As far as I can tell, this idea stems from the confusion brought upon marriage by the Council of Trent (a 16th century Roman Catholic three-year gathering which made pronouncements on many subjects, including eventually, matrimony), which changed it from an arrangement between families into a so-called sacrament. I believe though, that marriage vows are still made [u]between the two people being married[/u], which always was, (in Jewish weddings), [i]in the presence of God[/i].

The Council of Trent is the origin of the false doctrine of [i]perpetual matrimony[/i], where they misinterpret Genesis, even though it's clear they had the whole New Testament, and Jesus clarifies the confusion in Matthew. Then they go on to change 'mystery' in Ephesians 5, to 'sacrament'. There has been much unnecessary pain for many men and women since then; although, I do believe that two people who are right with God can make a marriage passable, and God has made us all to love peace and enjoyment, which can help the process along.

I am not [i][b]for[/i][/b] divorce, but now that you are divorced, you can take as long as you like to work out what to do. The most important thing here is your continuing to sink yourself into the will of God. You are complete in Him.

All the while I'm writing this, I'm aware your ex-husband may think he loves you. But, none of us moves into the renewing of our minds, without some honest introspection in the presence of God, both for healing, and repentance. We have to see what was wrong, before we can be different, and often we can't be different unless we see that difference in others, or, the Lord gives us a glimpse by the Holy Spirit. We all need His word speaking to us all the time, and to be feeding on it in our spirits, in truth.

Mental and physical effort may well be necessary, for Him to believe we are co-operating with Him, but the fact is, unless [u]He[/u] changes us, we are stuck. We are incapable of changing ourselves, at the depth of being which is required. In fact, we need His resurrection life, and that only comes to us when we understand how to be grafted into His death.

Some healing (from one's own sin\\s) may happen automatically, but recovering from being sinned against is a separate matter for healing. And, for adults who were traumatised in childhood, this healing is more complex and takes longer (perhaps [i]much[/i] longer), than if the first serious emotional trauma happened in adulthood.

There are some things about the way God made us, that don't change. Beware of Christian myth, which doesn't acknowledge the image of God in man, or, His ability to restore it, but rather focuses on the fallen nature, and constantly asks us to jump through doctrinal hoops to prove we are on the saved side of the fence. God hates that. Redemption is all about the restoration of the soul and the renewing of the mind, through the minstrations of the Holy Spirit.

Here's today's radio program on Revive Our Hearts ministry and I thought of you when I saw this.

[url=http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php]What Do Men Need?[/url]

Here's an excerpt:

"I went to the Lord, and I said, “Lord, this isn’t working. I don’t like how I feel about him by focusing on what’s wrong—or what I think is wrong.” God may not even think it’s wrong, but I had come to the conclusion that it was wrong. And I said, “God, I’m going to give him to You. I’m going to tear this list up, and I’m not ever going to pray about things that need to be changed in his life again. If You want to change his life, it’s Your business, not mine. I’m going to instead focus on the things that are good.”

It’s a really practical way that we as wives can show respect to our husbands—by focusing on the things that are good, the things that he does do right. Thank him for those, praise him for those, encourage him for those things. And as Shaunti just said, watch him light up when we do give him respect for what is good and what is honorable and what is respectable in his life...."

I'm sure she is talking about not concentrating on certain characteristics here that she does not like about him but we should pray if they are struggling with sin in any area of their life.

Peter 3:1-4

1Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

2While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

3Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;

4But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

If your husband is guilty of these things, then perhaps he needs to be saved... because this is not the behavior of someone who has been born again and has had a renewing of his mind and heart.

You may wish to investigate a little further into his previous marriage too. Men cheat because we're basically dogs (when not walking with God). But when a woman cheats thats a pretty clear indication that there is a problem with the man. Not excusing what she did, but if she was being verbally abused as you were, the result was her adultry.

Without knowing him, I cant make this judgement, but if what you are saying about him is true... then I dont believe he has ever truly been born again. This doesnt release you from your vows... but may help in knowing how to address this whole situation.

Krispy

This thread has a familiar ring to it...

Krispy

Hello Paul,

I'm not sure if you're just uncomfortable that the truth about some things is so rank. I agree. It makes me feel yucky also.

Okay. So we are the onlookers.

How yucky does the person seeking help feel?

More or less than us?

Why does anyone post on an internet forum amongst deeply committed Bible believing Christians, if they are surrounded by good people in their own local church, all of whom know the Lord personally, and are full of Godly counsel? Is this a mystery? Or is a local church full of Godly people who know the Lord personally, just a figment of our imagination?

You said

I believe some of the things being mentioned in this thread are inappropriate for a public forum.

I am shocked at some of the things He called Israel and her relatives, and worse, that He even punished them so agressively for their sins, sending cruel invaders to kill them, or pestilence or famine. He abhorred that they didn't want a relationship with Him; one which would mean giving up their idols and all the sin involved in worshipping them.

Another thing that bothers me about the situation which sparked this thread, and your response to it, is that we are demonstrating so little nerve and expertise in this (and other fields of human experience), which it is very reasonable for a poster to hope is represented here. And we like to think that we are as much 'the Church' as anyone else - maybe even more serious about God than they (those outside the forum) are - and yet - are we truly representing [u]Him[/u] when we cannot abide to listen to another person's woe? Or bear with them in their confusion?

This (forum) may well not be the place for the ultimate solution to this situation to be settled, but surely it can be a place of [i]emotional safety[/i] (not being criticised for the nature of one's need) and of [i]fellowship in Christ[/i] - " 'scaped from the world, redeemed from sin ..." as it is put in the hymn, without anyone feeling [i]spiritually[/i] compromised in the process?