Please Help Me!!!

I've been a born-again christian 4 about 2 years now and i've never struggled as much before as i am right now.

it seems like the whole foundation i built my relationship with Christ on is crumbling. its like i dont understand God anymore and no matter how much i scream and cry at night He wont reveal Himself 2 me. He's just dissappeared. im beginning 2 wonder if maybe He's just been my imaginary friend these last 2 years.

im a big reader, but i cant trust any1 anymore. its like everyone is teaching something false according 2 others. the bible can be interpreted in so many ways it seems like and i dont know who to believe. so i've just given up reading all-2gether. the bible doesnt make sense anymore like it used 2. whats happening 2 me?

men are so undependable, God has gone missing, and im here by myself. its like hell on earth

im a big reader, but i cant trust any1 anymore.

Welcome to SI.

Hard to know, but can I ask or suggest, maybe it's what you are reading? What have you read?

A long time ago was in a similar confusion and a very dear, spiritual astute lady in a Christian bookstore pointed me to the classics of the faith. It soon led to this very site. There is a wealth of resources available here.

Have you read any of the Puritans?

HizGurl,

I have to agree with what has already been written here. I too, when I first got saved spent a lot of time reading Christian books and watching Christian TV. I assumed that everybody who was writing or preaching about Jesus was sincere and truthful. It eventually led me to the same frustration you are experiencing, where I didn’t know what to believe. For a time I put down all books other than the Bible. Eventually I too discovered the treasure in older, time tested works and have found many that have been a great help to me in my walk with Christ.

But dear sister, it is the mercy of God if your foundation is crumbling, if the foundation you are building on has been the wrong foundation. Through prayer, Bible reading and study, and the fellowship of older (female) saints in your church, trust the Lord to rebuild your faith according to what is right and true.

So many of us here have gone through similar things. We understand the fear and doubt and feelings that the Lord is far, far away. And we will be praying for you.

Danielle

I agree with what crsschk said below. The puritans will give you a strong foundation along with your daily bible reading. In the past did you study the word of God ? If not I would advise that you study it verse by verse, book by book that way you don't hydroplane over important text. It takes time and commitment but you will inject strong bible doctrine into your diet and end up being a strong rock when it comes to your faith not being turned about by every wind of doctrine. Many of the modern day guys lack substance because they target a certain audience (the man centered bunch). But what you will find when you read the puritains like Thomas Watson,John Owen, and Matthew Henry is they had a relentless passion for christ and their material always points you to the scriptures and the great bible doctrines in the word of God.

Here are some key points I use in judging a book

1. When your reading always look to see if christ is exalted John 16 says that it is the job of the Holy Spirit to exalt Jesus. Does Jesus become number one when your reading this stuff

2. Always see if the material your reading motivates and empowers you to walk in sanctification John 17:17 says his word is truth and that by it we are purged or sanctified. if the material does not produce sanctification trash it. If something is biblically sound it always points to sanctification.

3. When your reading a book is it pointing you to holiness. What holiness is in a nutshell is separation and to be other. what I mean by that is this. does your reading material separate you from the world, the devil, and the flesh does it aggressivly attack sin in your life.

4. Does this material bring glory and exaltation to God. Does it place him upon the throne of your heart as sovereign lord or does it place you, or your ambitions upon the throne as lord. 1 corin 10:31 says all things should be done to the glory of God so ask the question does this reading material glorify God does it exalt him and his marvelous attributes does it cause me to run to him and love him as a precious jewel.

Hope that Helps dear friend.

josef urban,

thanx 4 that encouragement. ive made a commitment 2 God that i'll read His Word every day whether or not i understand and 2 memorize at least a chapter a week. it just seems so dry and a dont get it. its so confusing because it used 2 be like manna 2 me. honestly i didnt think any1 would reply. may God bless u for the encouragement. i will wrestle with Him till he blesses me. i just dont know how much longer i will have the strength 2 hold on 2 Him. please pray 4 me

crsschk,

thanks, im starting 2 like it here. mainly i've been reading books from authors like cs lewis, aw tozer, and kp yohannan. ive also read alot of max lucado, ravi zacharias and other more modern books. i haven't read any of the puritans that i know of. any suggestions?

brokenone,

thank u so much 4 ur concern and advice, danielle. i guess when u put it that way it makes alot of sense. perhaps my foundation was completely erranous. i wish i had older female sisters to teach me and keep me acountable. but it seems like everyone i know is more interested in talking about what im doing wrong then showing me whats rite. i talked 2 my church's pastor and his wife about all my doubts and struggles but it didn't help much. and they havent mentioned it once afterward or asked me how im doing. i dont know, would u suggest i talk 2 some1 else?

fuegodedios,

amen. wow ur absolutely right. i'm going 2 look into these puritan writer yall are all mentioning. i have 2 say tho, my trust meter is very low at the moment. i guess its because theres so many preachers out there that are contradicting each other. say for instance paul washer, who preaches total depravity of man. in other words we have no choice in salvation. and then someone like john wesley who was an arminianist. id believe both to be earnest servants of God. but one of them has to be preaching falsehood. and if they are true born again men of God and filled with the His Spirit, than how is this possible and y would God allow it? sorry 4 the bad example, seeing as paul washer is still alive and john wesley isn't. it just seems 2 me like true christians should at least agree on all the major points of Christianity rite?

This is why I informed you to look at the scriptures with intensity verse by verse. The Holy bible has to be first and formost let it be an umpire to settle all arguements and debates that arise in our minds.. :-)

Hi sister,

That doesn't sound too far different than when I began, but actually it was Tozer that really set me back towards the Old Paths ...

None of these that you mentioned I would think would put you to confusion, maybe I was wondering if there wasn't some other infusion, what your church persuasion is, what they teach, Christian TV as was mentioned.

If I could throw in a suggestion, two actually about reading the scriptures that I gleaned from a dear pastor who contributes here and one many of us find very healthy and sound ...

In the former, it is to read the scriptures [i]slowly[/i], even if that means stalling over a section, a sentence and musing on it. Some day's that is as far as I go, other times I can read whole books or the majority of one. Whatever is your natural pace .. praying as you go.

The later was from Zac Poonen who said that he always tries to approach the scriptures as if he was reading them for the very first time. It is a tremendous thing I have found, it helps you to set aside some if not a lot of your preconceived ideas.

One more, now that I think of it. We used to talk about this quite a bit, but we are all in different places at any given time and sometimes a particular book is just not where we are at, it's fine in it's own time but may not be right now. It's something you will know and get a feel for after awhile.

I think Danielle had some very good observations about foundations, in my case I am so thankful that I was brought to such a crisis, but I was also somewhat caught up in the WOF-prosperity business even though it seemed to sit like a pit in my stomach. So, I guess we are somewhat guessing here as well.

You can try a search here on SI on what others are reading or have recommended - Try the
[url=https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/articles/]Text Sermons[/url]. And of course there are the audio messages. The top downloads off the main page, quite a variety.

For the Puritans who are very much in appreciation here it may be more helpful to check out [url=http://www.gracegems.org/]Grace Gems[/url] as they are more collectively available in a cohesive sort of way.

[url=http://www.gracegems.org/Newton/John_Newton1.htm]John Newton's Letters[/url] Might be a good place, thought that is showing my bias, have been mightily impressed with his heart and grasp.

Another that our brother has been writing out by hand comes to mind and though it is directed at the 'youth' it really is speaking to a youth that was far better equipped in spiritual matters it appears than today. To these ears it sounds like meat for the mature saint frankly. Don't let the title fool you.

[url=https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?viewmode=flat&order=0&topic_id=20768&forum=34&post_id=&refresh=Go]"Sober-Mindedness Pressed Upon Youth" Matthew Henry sermon modernized and in installments[/url]

I was very fortunate, almost immediately after getting saved, to find myself in the Bible study of a couple who were willing to invest in my life. Even now, 11 years later, they are still a huge part of my life. They know me, my weaknesses, where I am vulnerable to temptation. I treasure my relationship with these people, because I look around and see that even in the church it is rare to find someone who is interested in getting involved in your life.

You will not be able to make someone mentor you if they have no heart to do it, and even if you could, it would probably be a disaster. But pray and ask the Lord to send you someone. If there are Bible study groups in your church, you may want to consider getting involved. If you get around women who love the Word of God, chances are there will be someone there who will delight in teaching you how to be a godly woman. And while there should be much encouragement towards obedience and love to the Lord, there will also be corrections and rebukes. You must be prepared to receive both.

But HizGurl, I know many people who have never had someone personally mentor them. And you know what, the Lord takes care of them just fine. It is a wonderful blessing to experience the fellowship of mentoring, but even if this should not be made available to you, I pray that you will press in to know Jesus and follow Jesus and love Jesus with all your heart, no matter what.

God bless you sister.

Danielle

amen. wow ur absolutely right. i'm going 2 look into these puritan writer yall are all mentioning. i have 2 say tho, my trust meter is very low at the moment. i guess its because theres so many preachers out there that are contradicting each other. say for instance paul washer, who preaches total depravity of man. in other words we have no choice in salvation. and then someone like john wesley who was an arminianist. id believe both to be earnest servants of God. but one of them has to be preaching falsehood. and if they are true born again men of God and filled with the His Spirit, than how is this possible and y would God allow it? sorry 4 the bad example, seeing as paul washer is still alive and john wesley isn't. it just seems 2 me like true christians should at least agree on all the major points of Christianity rite?

Ah yes, of course. Didn't see this earlier ... Dear sister take Tozers advice in this matter and let it alone, look to studyng the scritures and prayer while everyone else is busying themselves in this endless debate ... Sigh, I am not quoting him verbatim and it is hard to know what might be challenging you in this regard ...

SermonIndex is probably the example of presenting both 'sides' of this without intention and with likely a wish that there were no sides to be drawn, we live with the seeming tension of it and tolerate to a certain extent the ... discussion when it is that, but frown on the ceasless arguing and strife that it often turns into. Maybe I want to say if the Lord is pressing something other on your heart I gurantee you that you can leave it alone for a season and when you come back you won't have missed a thing.

:-(

say for instance paul washer, who preaches total depravity of man. in other words we have no choice in salvation.

I think you might have misunderstood sister, just for the record - It's both, but hence the dilema and the argument. Both our depravity and our responsibility.

Not sure how long you may have been peering in here but we have been through a lot of uproar lately over all this, it tends to come and go like the tide. I have been hesitant to post something that seems to be a reasonable assimilation for fear of generating more food for fodder. But if it is the thing that is troubling you, maybe this might be of some help;

[url=https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=26292&post_id=204787&order=0&viewmode=thread&pid=0&forum=34#204787]Orgin~ Pink[/url]

There is a tremendous struggle that goes on when we accept Christ. We are choosing a new set of values, His values, over the values of the world. There is a reconciling process we must go through and actually continue to go through the rest of our lives. That naturally results in tension as there are two natures at war with each other.

Sadly, that is not the only source of tension. Thrown into the mix is a church that has not done a real good job of this reconciling process. Where we would hope to look to it for examples, often the good ones are few and far between. But they are there and I agree with what 'BrokenOne' said in relation to that; pray that the Lord would lead you to the right people. They are there.

I have been a Christian for 30 years. In the past 5, I have gone through a serious transformation. I had fallen short in that reconciling process and knew there was more to my Christianity than what I was currently experiencing.

In the process, I have prayed that the Lord would give me a new circle of friends that had a similar heart. I have been amazed at how He has done that. The Lord knows you need support. If you pray for it, and remain patient, He will provide those who will help you in your walk with Him. By the way, don't discredit those of us you will meet here. In a way, I felt as if I had found a gold mine when I found this forum.

I enjoy hooking up with other believers, both old and new, but I think I feel best when I have had the opportunity to encourage a new believer. In reading some of these posts, I can tell you have received at least a little help. I think it is one of, if not the best benefits of this site. Welcome to it.

Quote: I think the only thing we can do is to really believe that God is ok with us. That even though we can't escape confusion or even though it seems impossible to believe this, God will not forsake us in the end. End Quote:

Beloved, God is not the Author of Confusion. It is not His will for His children to live like this or struggle with confusion. To say you can't escape this confusion is to say God is not big enough to deliver you. Wrong.

We get confused sometimes when we get our information from the wrong source. Pastor BH Clendennen said it best, I think, "If you are God's and you have His Spirit, then you will know if I'm telling you truth." His Spirit only bears witness of Truth. If what you are reading confuses you and if what you are hearing confuses you, there is a reason. Turn it off. There is a process God takes us through-it is called the wilderness of our own hearts, where He shows us how short we fall, and it is devastating to someone who truly loves God, but He must strip us of all reliance on self. Those who belong to God and have His Spirit are precious-and the enemy will try to sift them by shooting fiery darts of doubt, confusion, anything to try to overthrow their faith. It is an inward agitation.

Remember, beloved, we were warned in the Bible many times false teachers would arise up in the last days.

If you are listening to preachers who are confusing you-and you have read your Bible enough to know right from wrong, shut them off. There are many voices in the world and there is only ONE still small Voice that will never lead you wrong.
And forgive me if this offends some of you Paul Washer fans out there, but he strikes me as a very angry watchman.
I am not saying He is wrong or a false preacher. But he is very angry. The wrath of man never works or can work in the righteousness of God because wrath is itself a work of the flesh.

[url=http://media.tscnyc.org/wmv/2071028S1.asx]Beware of Angry Watchmen[/url]

All Christians who are sincerely hungry for God go through a stripping process where He has to strip away the confidence in self, and in men. The prophet Jeremiah was in a bad place, and God told him in Jer 33:3 "Call unto Me and I will answer you and I will show you great and mighty things you do not know." (He will reveal Himself to those who seek Him and want to know Him.) I pray beloved you take about 45 minutes and watch the message "Beware of Angry Watchmen." This is God's cry to those who are hurting like you are. This was preached at Times Square Church in NYC by Carter Conlon.

crsschk,

Thanks 4 those suggestions. I'm beginning 2 think that maybe there is a glimmer of hope. Its funny, when i posted something 4 the first time i didn't think that any1 would reply. But I got a whole treasury of suggestions prayers within minutes. God bless u all 4 that. For awhile I thought that God had completely deserted me but would I be jumping 2 conclusions 2 quickly if I thought this was Gods way of showing me he cared?

Anyways I agree that maybe my confusion comes from what is being taught. It doesn't always agree with what I read and then I start questianing everything. I've decided 2 read my bible with such a ferociaty that I can still stand even when all around me tides break loose. And I believe God has sent me here to learn that. God bless u

Brokenone,

Yes I am praying 4 someone 2 mentor me and I believe that if God sees I need one, He'll send one in due time. At the moment tho, I believe He's sent all u at SI. Thank u so much for all ur insight. Its helped me more than u can imagine. I believe what helped most was realizing i had brothers and sisters out there who did care. May God bless u guys

paulmcg1,

To be very honest, ur post didnt bring much hope. I'm sorry 4 the condition ur in, but I hope im not where I am now in 5 years from now. Actually I'd rather die than live a life without God. The other day I was asking myself, "what will I do if I find that God will never again be part of my life?" I wondered if I would return back 2 the sinful life I had lived before and enjoy a season of sin before id spend an eternity in hell. But when I thought of it, I decided I could never do that. I thought I could only either take my life or I could live a selfdelusional life and pretend that God was with me. I realized that after id had a taste of God I will be forever longing 4 that again. My prayer 4 both of us is that he will not keep us at arms length but that he will be ever by our side

Mjones,

Thanx 4 the welcome. Yes I 2 have found quite a bit precious jewels here. I guess I didnt expect so much help from fellow brothers and sisters but I've been proven that there is a true church out there who cares for her own.

I like 2 draw in my spare time (when I can find it) and there's one drawing that pretty well describes how my view of the church has been until now. Let me see if I can put charcoal into type.

Theres a beautiful boat sailing on a stormy sea. The flag on the boat says "salvation 4 all". there's many well-dressed passengers on the boat. They are eating, laughing, and showing each other photos of a time when they had just been pulled out of the sea of darkness. I am beneath the boat struggling 2 get out of the water but seaweed is wrapped around my waist, a ball
andchain around my ankle, my boyfriend is clinging on 2 my skirt, my hair is in my face so I can't see, and the side of the boat is so freshly painted and decorated that I cant get a grip on it. But I need 2 breathe, I need to breathe so badly.....

Sorry it probably doesn't make much sense but that how I felt before I became a Christian. I did realize my wretchedness and His holiness and I repented and got baptized sadly with little or no Christian friends.

I suppose thats y this website is like salve on a deep wound. Finally I'm not alone anymore

pilgrims progress will help you tremendously.
It is one incredible book. I could not put it down once i bought it.
I think about it all the time.

When I got saved our bible was our songbook and we sang songs out of the bible.
I love Oswald Chambers and Watchman Nee.You wont go wrong with these 2 men of God.

appolus,

Ur rite. I need to stand strong even if it does feel like He's not with me. And I will. These new Christian friends have given me the strength and courage 2 once more stand up. U know I never thought of it b4. The part where u said that every human is wrong in some aspect. But I'm sure ur rite and that helps. I always expect every1 to be perfect. I'm such a speghetti brain. If one thing doesn't make sense, nothing does. :) thanx for ur help

kathleen1,

hello, yes i will take the time 2 watch the video. if what im going thu is God stipping me of self then it will be well worth every tear. i just wish he was as near as he used 2 be. but i will trust that after ive been pruned he will be able 2 be that much nearer 2 me. thanx for ur encouragement

psalm1,

u sang out of ur bible? thats so cool. i think i've heard of oswald chambers before but i havent read much. thanx 4 the suggestions. i've seen the pilgrims progress movie but i havent read the book. im sure theres a big difference. thanx

Looks like you made some good friends here!
That's what its all about,amen?
Getting connected where the river of LIFE IS!

I saw the movie also,it seemed rinky dink compared to the book

HizGurl,
Keep in mind Jesus will speak to you through the bible. Before you read ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the word to you.

HizGurl wrote:
i will trust that after ive been pruned he will be able 2 be that much nearer 2 me.

Interesting your refererence to pruning. I read a short piece by T. Austin Sparks last night called 'The Object of Pruning'. He writes about his rose garden and bushes that once bore buitiful roses, now due to a lack of pruning, still produce roses that 'may be pretty, but we know that the plant has run wild for want of the knife. The result is not the real thing - it is a wild thing; something inferior; it is not what it might have been'.

Pruning is indeed painful, and often confusing, but it does yield a sweet and desirable end.

As to your drawing, I can see it as clearly as if it were right in front of me. My interpretation of it, is maybe the obvious, but nevertheless a very unfortunate reality; the church is so busy enjoying themselves that it is not as mindful as it should be of those who are not yet on the boat. Not true of all, but still of far too many. I can say that, because I was one of them.

But God in His mercy, knows how to get our attention. He pruned me back until almost all was gone, but with distractions out of the way, I found Him. He knows what He is doing.

You enjoy drawing. I enjoy writing and sometimes write poetry. I will post a poem seperately that I wrote a while back which captures what I said in the previous paragraph.

One last thought; it is cool to see someone come to this sight bogged down and needing help, and in a relatively short period of time, as a result of the ministering aspect of this sight, the entire disposition changes. Satan is out to steal, discourage and deceive. Many here can help cut him off.

The Lure of Good Things

It’s not just the bad that keeps us from God,
\tgood will work too, and it’s more common than odd.
Good is so plentiful in these days that we live.
\tWe have toys and church and tithes that we give.

We think ourselves rich; that we don’t need a thing.
\tWe’ve been lured into things being our aim.
I’ll admit you have good, but it’s cost you My best.
\tDo you have an ear to hear the rest?

Do you think these things are the best that I’ve got?
\tTry buying My gold and I’ll show you they’re not.
These things that you seek will one day be lost.
\tIf you have an ear, then let’s count the cost.

Things cost you My presence most every day.
\tThey demand all your time and get in the way.
They prevent all My wonders; so you will not see.
\tYour only wonder is why they can’t be.

You’ll miss My provision when you have a need.
\tYou’re too self sufficient to wait at My feet.
The doors I would open, to fulfill My plan,
\twon’t ever be opened with you in command.

Compared to My gold, you’re wretched and poor.
\tYou’re blind to My best, because of good’s lure.
I challenge you though to seek Me and see
\twhat true abundance can really be.

MJ

Hey there.
I know exactly what your talking about and i know ive been at the point once before.
Alot of the other people on the site have given you great advice.
But i just wanted to put in my two cents.

Before i say anything i want you to know that God never left. He was always there. And when you felt like he was far away he was so close.

There were moments that i was in a building with my friend. And he wasnt next to me. I couldnt feel, see, touch, or smell him. But he was still in the building.

It feels like God went on vacation but i just want you to know that God is still in the Building. Be encouraged because its not over and you can still get back on your feet.

Pick up your bible and glue it to your hands. Not litterally but dont let it leave your sight. Hold firm to it and read it daily.

If you cant pray twenty hours, thats fine. But begin to develop your prayer life again. And begin to reestablish your foundation.

Hate sin, and love God with all your heart.
Dont lean on man, but only on him.

And trust that you will be just fine.
I couldve said many things but i just wanted to encourage you, and give you hope.

Your going to be ok.
Keep seeking God, and stay strong.

God bless you. :-)

Have you heard the "Shocking Message" by Paul Washer? It'll really make you think about conversion.

As everyone has mentioned so far, continue to seek God through His word. Read it, over and over. Even if it doesn't make sense, God will do a work in your heart.

Be encouraged to know that you are not the only one who has ever gone through this or will go through this. You are blessed that God is working in you that it bothers you that you feel like your foundation is crumbling. How many people feel this way but do nothing about it?

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness..."

I know exactly what you are experiencing,I've been through it myself,although I don't know exactly what parts or things that are troubling you.

When I was going through this it was like torture.I kept thinking who can I trust?How do I know who is being completely truthful?

I strongly believe that if we are not seeking real truth,we are wasting our time.If there is anything driving us other than seeking pure truth,we are only going to find what we already have set our minds to.

After much prayer,I decided,thru the Holy Spirit I believe,that the Word of God means exactly what it says.I cannot believe that God is trying to trick us,though the enemy will try to trip us up where ever he can.I think this is what was going on with me,and it may be what is going on with you.Perhaps you are being tested.

This is what I set my heart to:What God has started in me,He will carry through to completion.If He has called me,then I do not believe He wastes His time.And even if He hasn't,still will I serve Him,still will I seek Him,for He is worthy.

If I knew for a fact that He was going to cast me into Hell,I would still witness to His love through the Gospel,because I know it is the only way men can be saved.

But I know that this is not the case,since I believe the Gospel,and God has witnessed to the fact that He has saved me by transforming me from the dreadful sinner I was.I still struggle with sin and always will,but whereas I once loved sin,I now hate it and seek to put it to death at every opportunity.(usually)It is seeking to put you to death!

So let me encourage you to keep on keeping on.If Satan is giving you static,theres a reason for it.Rejoice in the fact that you are a child of God counted worthy of being harrassed by yours and your Father's enemy!Flee to God!Seize the hem of His garment and pledge not to let go no matter what!Do not look at your enemy,do not give him the time of day.Look to your great and mighty Saviour Who is more than sufficient.Buck up!

I pray this helps and encourages you in Jesus
Darin

I have been impressed with the response to your plea for help. God uses those that will make themselves available and I believe God led you to a place of refuge in the wilderness. God led you here for a purpose. That He may encourage you in the way. As others have said, read the Word of God and pray. God has already opened a door of help and you have responded. Just keep your eyes on Jesus.

"it seems like the whole foundation i built my relationship with Christ on is crumbling. its like i dont understand God anymore and no matter how much i scream and cry at night He wont reveal Himself 2 me. He's just dissappeared. im beginning 2 wonder if maybe He's just been my imaginary friend these last 2 years."

I too think that you have found some good advice in the responses here. I especially appreciate the response from Appollus as being helpful to you. I would like to share what I hope will be a short help to you but don't hold me to the shortness of it.
I became a new believer full of fire for the Lord some many years ago. I even attended a Bible college in order to discover much more about what I was experiencing that was so different than simply religion that I had known. At the completion of Bible college I was walking one day with a young lady at my side when I quite literally felt something leave me. I spoke of it to the young lady but I did not understand what it was that took place. I began to feel much the same as you have shared. I had been walking on cloud nine so to speak for several years but now I no longer knew if it was all true. Was it real or had I simply fallen for something I just wanted to be true so that I actually for a time believed it? Unfortunately, I didn't know where to turn and I had not as yet developed a lifestyle of searching, seeking the Lord through prayer and His Word. I began to wander slowly over a couple of years and drift farther and farther away until I stopped going to church and socializing with Christian friends. Somehow, by His grace, I always knew in my heart that I could not forever forsake Him, that I would one day return to Him.
It took me 17 years to learn the lesson that He was trying to teach me. That day finally came through very difficult circumstances when I finally said, "I'm sorry Lord, I'm coming back but only if its for 110%. I won't settle for anything less". He was gracious to accept me and began to teach me afresh. I would literally jump out of bed to pray and His Word was new and full of truth that came alive. The first lesson I believe He taught me was to explain what had happened 17 years previously, even tough I had all but forgotten the incident, when I was walking with that young lady. He had set me down to learn to walk on my own, that I might learn to walk by faith and not by sight. I had learned many wonderful things at Bible college but I had not learned to seek Him. The next thing that He taught me was that love is a choice. I had been reading His Word, Jesus's summary of the ten commandments when I realized that love was to be a key factor in our lives. But I asked Him, "What is love?" Several nights later I sat down to read His Word which had become precious and alive to me but that night I was tired and just didn't feel like it. Then I thought, "But I know that it is the right thing to do so I'm going to read Your Word." No sooner had I thought that then I heard His voice in my heart say, "Now you've got it. That's what love is. Love is a choice. Trust me that it was a foreign thought to me, knowing the right thing to do and doing it even though our emotions might steer us differently. I had thought that love was simply a feeling. Walking by sight would be to walk according to our emotions and thoughts but walking by faith might mean walking in the right direction despite our thoughts and emotions. Thankfully, he is gracious to encourage us also.
Funny thing, after only 2 weeks of heavenly bliss, having returned to Him, He again set me down. He felt far away if there at all. But now I knew why, that He would not always carry me in the heavenlies, the mountaintop experience of joyful bliss but that I needed not to rely on my emotions to determine if in fact He was there but to trust in Him that He was and is despite my feelings and emotions. He has spoken many times since and now I know when it is Him. "My sheep hear My voice and they follow Me" John 10:27. He will never contradict His Word so study it well.
I had to determine that even though He slay me I would yet follow Him so I am encouraged by the same testimony in your thoughts. Remember always that He has promised to be found by those that seek Him, if we seek Him we will find Him but if we do not search for Him we can not expect to find Him. It may have taken me 17 years to learn this valuable lesson but I suspect that you will learn much quicker than I. God bless and be encouraged, He is there even though He may be silent for the moment. Oh well, so much for being short ;)

HizGurl wrote:

men are so undependable, God has gone missing, and im here by myself. its like hell on earth

Sister, I realise that I'm jumping on a bandwagon that has gather quite a momentum, but this comment reminded me of a place that I visit frequently. I remember one of the first, and most significant times. I was near close to losing my wife due to some horrendous sin in my life.

I had been visiting SermonIndex for some time, listening to everything I could and being "tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine". I could say the right things to impress those around me, but my life was rotten to the core. Suddenly I was exposed, and lost all credibility from my wife, my pastor, and closest of friends. During the month that I spent on the coach, I resigned myself to reduce my spiritual input to one chapter of the Bible a day, the daily reading of Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost For His Highest", and my prayer consisted of the Lord's prayer, nothing more, nothing less.

As a sales rep, I had the opportunity to listen to literal hours of preaching a day (especially on country trips). Now my driving was mostly in silence, with the occasional break consisting of listening to hymns.

In some ways, I look back to that time with great fondness. Sure my life was upended, and "all hope was lost", but I learned to connect with God in a real way, void of any "simulation" presented by ministry, etc. I learned how to recognise the presence of God, even when it felt like He wasn't there. Now the times when I do recognise it (which seems to be fewer as time goes on) are incredibly exquisite.

I must admit that Art Katz helped me greatly, leading up to this time. He stripped away the layers of "additives" to the gospel, showing me that there was a reality that resides in "suffering preceding glory". He helped me to learn that suffering was good, even though it never feels like it.

In case you are wondering, my wife and I sorted out our marital difficulties, it time to struggle through the greatest spiritual battles we have ever faced (which is still continuing, two years on). I know that if the Lord hadn't led me through that time (he didn't lead me into the sin, but He certainly could have dealt with it more humanely...but I am grateful He didn't) I would never be able to stand through this (trust me, it's hard enough without it).

Bless you sister. It won't always feel like this. They tell me that every great man/woman of God has been here. to quote Paul:

[b]10[/b] That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;
[b]11[/b] If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.
[b]Philippians 3:10-11[/b]

Oh, one other thing...

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
[b]Matthew 5:4[/b]

Watchman Nee once compared the life of a "mourning one" to a "broken biscuit" (Cookie for our American brethren out there8-)). You put the pieces back together, but one tap, and it falls apart again (thanks to Ron Bailey for that one ;-)). The life of a true disciple is a fragile one, held together by God, Himself.

Tell me, what would you rather, to be grieved by the world, and comforted by God, or to be comforted by the world, and grieving God? Or to put it another way, would you rather [b]feel[/b] like God is there, but never [b]know[/b] if He truly is, or [b]feel[/b] like He isn't and [b]know[/b] that He is?

Knowing Him isn't a cerebral thing, it's union with Him. He will give the witness of the Spirit, and the question will be resolved. Accept no imitations.

Hey HizGurl,

I wanted to mention something that may help you understand where you are at. As a matter of fact, I was just ministering to a man last night who is struggling with the same thing you are talking about.

When we first come to the Lord, many times He demonstrates things to us very supernaturally to make it easier for us to believe. But there comes a point where God wants to begin developing our faith, and so He sometimes will hold back a little bit on the supernatural.

What you need to know is that your hunger for God shows that you are moving to a deeper place with Him. Your tendency will be to feel like everything you are doing is pointless, but it is not. God wants to bring you to a place where your belief in Him is not contingent upon signs, wonders, or what you feel, but rather upon how much you know Him.

------

One other thing, in regards to what you said about not trusting what you read, and your reference of Paul Washer, and John Wesley. You need to know that the Bible has some things in it that can be taught more than one way. It doesn't matter if you memorize the whole thing from cover to cover or not, there will still be some ambiguous points. So you read what you understand in the Bible, because what you understand is what God is showing you.

There is no standard that says you must be a theologian to be a Christian. It is enough to read His word, and follow His commandments to us. Love the Lord, and love one another. That simple.

Hope this helps a bit.

mjones,

yes, i believe God in his mercy led me here. through this website i've gotten alot of sound advice. but most of all, i've received accountability. i'm glad. it seems like my journey with God has started all over again, and im so excited to get to know more and more about him. so long i've just relied on what people have told me. kinda like i just accepted the picture that others painted for me without checking things out for myself. thanx for submitting the poem by the way. its nice. i've written poetry myself, but that was a long long time ago. im more into writting songs and sketching now. maybe i'll post one one day :)

reformed,

:-) thank u. and u did encourage me and give me hope. im glad Gods still in the building even though it doesnt always feel like it.

im glad u mentioned "dont lean on man, but only on Him" i think that might have been one big problem for me. i trusted mans word to much without studying God's Word myself. i understand now that only God's word is final. God bless

fuehrerbe,

yes i did listen 2 "the shocking message". i believe that is the first of his message that i ever listened to. i did make me questian my own conversion. i believe paul washer is a very broken man before God. i dont know i believe everything he says tho.

if ive learned anything thru my experience it would be the value of Gods word. i didnt value it enough to study for myself and that is onething that really caused me to stumble.

im so thankful there are others who've had the same experience and can know give me advice.

thanx for ur encouragement

farshort,

""So let me encourage you to keep on keeping on.If Satan is giving you static,theres a reason for it.Rejoice in the fact that you are a child of God counted worthy of being harrassed by yours and your Father's enemy!Flee to God!Seize the hem of His garment and pledge not to let go no matter what!Do not look at your enemy,do not give him the time of day.Look to your great and mighty Saviour Who is more than sufficient.Buck up!""

God bless u for that encouragement. its funny cause just yesterday i was laying in bed imagining myself gripping onto the hem of His garment and a vowed not to let go until he blessed me. He is a great God who is worthy of all our praise no matter what he decides to do with us in the end.

i too have noticed how satan loves to twist scripture especially thru well know preachers and authors. im alot more selective now. Praise God. Unfortunatly He had to teach me the hard way because of my stubborness. Praise God He did
:-)

iamhis,

God uses those that will make themselves available and I believe God led you to a place of refuge in the wilderness. God led you here for a purpose. Just keep your eyes on Jesus.

at this time thats all i can do. it feels like i dont have the power to do anything but look at him. I would be honored to think he loved me enough 2 personally lead me here as a place of refuge. Praise God

trxx,

thank u for ur testimony. seems like ive know u all my life. :-) i see alot of my own emotions in it.

yes im learning to follow his voice. ive finally decided to turn off all the background noises that ive had blarring around me until now. now i need to learn what his voice sounds like. the bible has become more precious to me these last few weeks. with His heip i hope 2 become so acquianted with it that it becomes seered into my whole being. that i unconsciencely have his word contantly ringing in my mind. God bless

The highest and the greatest expression of faith in the whole Bible is— "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" ( Job 13:15 )."

This is the highest level of faith. Even if He kills me, even if I never "feel," Him again I will trust Him. I have commited my life to Him.

you know i've read though job numerous times. i even have a couple of chapters written on my bedroom door, and i've been as touched by that verse as much as this time. maybe nobodies ever laid it out that way before. thanx.

im so glad God knows what hes doing because i definitely dont trust myself with my soul. He's such a great God isnt he?

CJaKfOrEsT,

thank u for ur comment.

u say every great man/woman of God has been here. it would be such an honor 2 know that God took me thru this to bring me closer to him. it would be worth every minute of it.

my only desire is that he would be alive and present in my life.

"accept no imitations" amen. i've dealt long enough with wannabes. now my only desire is the true God

God bless u

ben williams,

thank you for laying it out that way. i know i always wanna know and understand everthing thoroughly before i move on. i need to learn to obey what i do understand and wait for God to reveal the rest to me.

love God with all your heart, soul, and mind. love your neighbor as yourself. it sound so simple. too simple. and yet it can be soo hard.

thank u for your insight

kathleen1,

dear sister,
thank u for directing me towards the message "beware of the angry watchman" it has blessed me immensely. if that is Gods heart toward me than i just feel like crying now. u have no idea. well maybe u do. God bless u

i dont know i believe everything he says tho.

Praise God! No man has all things figured out. It is important that we use scipture to test and examine all things.

At the same time, just because we may disagree with something does not make it untrue.

We must allow God, through the use of scripture, to guide our understanding of who He is. We must not follow other men blindly.

It seems that you have found more comfort since your original post. May you continue to find comfort in scripture.

yes im learning to follow his voice. ive finally decided to turn off all the background noises that ive had blarring around me until now. now i need to learn what his voice sounds like. the bible has become more precious to me these last few weeks. with His heip i hope 2 become so acquianted with it that it becomes seered into my whole being. That i unconsciously has his word constantly ringing in my mind. God bless

‘hi HizGurl,

I know what you mean, I’ve had the same bible for years and it fell apart. I can’t seem to put it back together again. Maybe I need a new one the same version, maybe.

HizGurl, it boils down to this, you have forgotten your first love.

You mentioned Job, here is Elihu speaking to Job about the Greatness of God,

“My heart pounds as I think of this. It leaps within me. Listen carefully to the thunder of God’s voice as it rolls from his mouth. It rolls across the heavens, and his lightning flashes out in every direction. Then comes the roaring of the thunder, the tremendous voice of his majesty. He does not restrain the thunder when he speaks. God’s voice is glorious in the thunder. We cannot comprehend the greatness of his power.

He directs the snow to fall on the earth and tells the rain to pour down. Everyone stops working at such a time so they can recognize his power. The wild animals hide in the rocks or in their dens. The stormy wind comes from its chamber, and the driving winds bring the cold. God’s breath send the ice, freezing wide expanses of water. The loads the clouds with moisture, and they flash with his lightning. The clouds turn around and around under his direction. They do whatever he commands throughout the earth. He causes things to happen on earth, either as a punishment or as a sign of his unfailing love.

Listen to Job, stop and consider the wonderful miracles of God! Do you know how God controls the storm and causes the lightning to flash forth from his clouds? Do you understand how he balances the clouds with wonderful perfection and skill? When you are sweltering in your clothes and the south wind dies down and everything is still, he makes the skies reflect the heat like a giant mirror. Can you do this?

You think you know so much, so teach the rest of us what to say to God. We are too ignorant to make our own arguments. Should God be told that I want to speak? Can we speak when we are confused? We cannot look at the sun, for it shines brightly in the sky when the wind clears away the clouds. Golden splendor comes from the mountain of God. He is clothed in dazzling splendor. We cannot imagine the power of the Almighty, yet he is so just and merciful that he does not oppress us. No wonder people everywhere fear him. People who are truly wise show him reverence.

You have forgotten your first love.

Song of Song – 4

“How beautiful you are my beloved, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are like doves. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats frisking down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are as white as sheep, newly shorn and washed. They are perfectly matched not one is missing. Your lips are like a ribbon of scarlet. Oh, how beautiful your mouth! Your cheeks behind your veil are like pomegranate halves lovely the tower of David, jeweled with the shields of a thousand heroes. Your breast are like twin fawns of a gazelle, feeding among the lilies. Before the dawn comes and the shadows flee away, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense. You are so beautiful, my beloved, so perfect in every part.

Come with me from Lebanon, my bride. Come down from the top of Mount Amana, from Mount Senir and Mount Hermon, where lions have their dens and panthers prowl. You have ravished my heart my heart, my treasure, my bride. I am overcome by one glance of your eyes, by a single bead of your necklace. How sweet is your love, my treasure, my bride! How much better it is than wine! Your perfume is more fragrant than the richest of spices. Your lips, my bride, are a sweet as honey. Yes, honey and cream are under your tongue. The scent of your clothing is like that of the mountains and the cedars of Lebanon.

You are like a private garden, my treasure, my bride! You are like a spring that no one else can drink from, a fountain of my own. You are like a lovely orchard bearing precious fruit, with the rarest of perfumes, nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, myrrh and aloes, perfume from every incense tree, and every other lovely spice. You are a garden fountain, a well of living water, as refreshing as a the streams from the Lebanon mountains.

Awake, north wind!
Come, south wind!
Blow on my garden
Let him come into
His garden and
Eat it’s choice fruits.

You who have forgotten your first love, can you hear his voice? And yet this is how God thinks of us.

I don’t’ know if this has brought about encouragement, sometimes what we need is awareness.