I'm in a courtship with a Godly woman but all of a sudden I'm unsure. I definitely want to marry her but now I have unrest, uneasiness and a lack of peace.
Is it usually fear of commitment/marriage or is God telling me something? Not to sound like a third grader but we both love each other and we love the Lord even more...so what's the problem??
Has anybody ever exerienced this?
God gives you the freedom to marry whom you choose given it is within his moral law. In other words, the person is a believer and is of the opposite sex.
After that, generally, you should listen to wise counselors that know your both, as well as your parents input.
The Bible never speaks of waiting for special revelation for whom to marry. In 1st Corinthians 7, Paul states that you have the freedom to get married to whom you chose, though only in the Lord (marrying a believer).
If you have some specific topic that you are uneasy about, then that's something you could address. However, if it's just some ambigious "uneasy" feeling, I would say it could be normal. Marriage is a big responsibility. But, the Lord gives grace to his people. Courting and marriage is too serious a subject to play by your feelings alone.
You said it yourself, you love her. And, you both love the Lord. You are free to do what you think is wise and honorable.
With care in Christ,
Taylor
I'm not a 5-point Calvinist... however, since God knew my children since the beginning of time I have to think that God chose my wife for me.
I dont know how theologically accurate that is... I'm kinda shooting in the dark on this.
Krispy
Taylor, I think you just saved my marriage before the marriage, =) Not you, but the Word. I feel so relieved now man. I feel like if I marry the wrong girl, I might be outside of God's will or something.
Krispy, I think I know what your saying. God chose this girl for me right?
PS- I was really touched by your born-again again experience man. Seriously. Something clicked in me with that.
To balance my post with Krispy's.
I agree with him.
I wasn't trying to say that God doesn't know who your wife will be. But, he doesn't choose to reveal that to us. Our Lord has a revealed will (the Bible) and a secret will (what he will do in time that is not made known to us now). The Lord never tells us to seek out his secret will (Deut 29:29). But, we are simply to walk in light of his revealed will, obeying the things he has taught us.
With care in Christ,
Taylor
Santana,
If I can be of more service to you, please let me know. I will even talk with you on the phone if you would like.
As long as you are keeping the Lord's commands regarding marriage (Purity, honoring all involved, marrying a believer) - you're free. It's not a freedom to sin, but a freedom to honor the Lord. You can choose whom to marry. If you want to marry this girl, and she loves the Lord, go for it! Marriages between believers honor the Lord.
If you can grasp this concept in your life, not just in this area, but in all areas, it will set you free from much guilt brother.
With care in Christ,
Taylor
"Just one word from heaven and you'll never be the same."
Krispy, I think I know what your saying. God chose this girl for me right?
Whoa, nelly! I dont know you or this girl, so I would never presume to give you that advice. All I'm saying is that in my case, as I read scripture and strive to understand it... I can look back and see how God has led my paths. Scripture tells us that God knew us before we were ever here... therefore He knew my kids, and without my wife and I they would not be here.
Now, as I said, I'm not a Calvinist. As Paul Washer puts it... I'm a 5-point "Spurgeonist". I'll never understand all this.
If this relationship brings both of you into a closer relationship with Him... if she encourages you to give yourself completely to God, and vice versa... then before you burn with lust, marry the girl.
But seek some counsel from mature Christians who know both of you and can be fair judges as to whether you both are mature enough to take this step.
Krispy
Actually, it is better for a man to NOT marry!
How does that work into God's "will?"
Of course, there is nothing wrong with being married. He who has found a wife has found a GOOD thing...and will receive favor from the Lord. Remember, God created the first wife! He told man to be fruitful and multiply.
I will say this: Be very careful about entering into a marriage covenant. You are only supposed to do this once! I know people who were "sure" that their girlfriend was "chosen by God" only to figure out later that it just wasn't meant to be (either their girlfriend dumped them...or their wife left them...or they simply found that the woman wasn't the person that God might have wanted for them).
I would simply ask that you pray. It is possible that this uneasiness that you feel might very well be the prompting of the Lord! On the other hand, it might simply be a case of "cold feet." I will pray that you have an assurance from the Lord either way...but I would caution you not to act until you have that assurance.
I am praying for you, brother.
How does that work into God's "will?"
"Let the one who is [b]able
Hello Santana,
I'm in a courtship with a Godly woman but all of a sudden I'm unsure. I definitely want to marry her but now I have unrest, uneasiness and a lack of peace.
Marriage is covenant, which is very serious in the eyes of the Lord. Only He knows who is right for you.
Look, heres how I see this...I had so much uneasyness about marrying my wife. Let me give you the reasons I could have used to not marry my wife:
1. Our pasor told us he wouldn't have married us if we came to him. He didn't approve.
2. I was 18 and she was 18.
3. Her parents were completely against the idea. My family wasn't too thrilled either. We married against our parents will.
4. I was living with my mother.
5. Felt horrible.
Man...so many other reasons I can't remember.
Those are the big ones though. Anyways, it's been 10 months now, almost our 1st aniversary. We got married first and foremost because we both wanted to do God's will and we trusted by faith that it was His will for us to marry. He would use marriage to conform us to His will. To show me how unloving I am that I might look to Him for help. How unsubmissive she is so that she would look to Him for help.
After that, we got married because we loved each other.
Let me fast forward to right now. I'm 19, she's 18. We moved into our first apartment just over a month ago. We have a beautiful daughter named Leah who was born last friday. What else can I say?
Suppose I didn't marry my wife, Leah would not be here tonight. God forbid! By all means, marry away! Marry with faith in Christ! Just the fact that God gave us a child is proof enough to me that He loves us and was with us when we chose to go against the ways of the world and obey the Bible when it says to marry. The world is doing away with marriage which God has created. We Christians should be bold lions and lionesses and marry.
Incase your wondering, we haven't slept on a bed of roses this entire time. We've are sinners and have sinned against each other. I've gotten angry and so has she. She's been unsubmissive and I've been unloving. We married upon the foundation of God's glory, God's will and not our's being done.
I hope that what I've said might encourage you to be bold and look to Christ as your only help.
I am one who failed in this area. I never listened to God's word, never waited on Him in prayer. But I believe Romans 8:28 that He will work all things perfect.
Havng said that, I would certainly suggest that you wait upon the Lord and ask your friend also to wait upon the Lord. Our God is not just a concept, He is real and He will clarify things for both of you.
Often there are times that I know that certain decisions are in God's will, but I have not waited for God to give me complete clarity and just plunged in. But there are times I tarried and waited for that clarity and it almost seemed that I might not get the answer and it might be too late, but against such pressure I waited and God came through. And what joy was mine, because I did not rush till that final clarity came.
I would earnestly request you and your friend to wait on the Lord in specific prayer.
I would also like to recommend the biography of C T Studd by Norman Grubb, for both of you. It speaks about the initial courting time and how the key focus was to encourage each other to pursue in obedience and love to the Lord.
God will come through, He always has, always will - that is how He is.
Just wanted to add a link to a book by Zac Poonen, in this regard
http://www.cfcindia.com/web/mainpages/book_window.php?book=sex_love_and_marriage
Just the fact that God gave us a child is proof enough to me that He loves us and was with us when we chose to go against the ways of the world and obey the Bible when it says to marry.
Can I say something without casting [b]any[b]Paulmcg1
I can tell you're 19. This has got to be the most immature, inexperienced advice I've ever heard anyone give concerning marriage. The fact that God gave you a baby is proof that you had sex... not proof that God approves of everything you did. (Altho I do truly hope that He did approve, I'm not judging that)
An unsaved couple could use this same logic... we live together and God blessed us with a baby, therefore God approves of how we're living.
No, it just prooves your bodies are working properly.
If you've taken what I said earlier in this thread about my kids and applied it to every marital situation, then I repent of ever having said it.
You're married, God bless you. I pray only the best for you, and that God's will will be done in your lives. I dont know you, and so I am in no way judging you. But I would [b]NEVER[i]most
There is a country song thats popular right now called "Back When I Knew It All". You're 19 now, so you have no way of understanding where I'm coming from... but one day, 20 or so years from now... you will.
I know you'll tell me that scripture says that I shouldnt "despise" you because of your youth. I dont. I pray your as wise as you think you are. I truly do.
But your advice, and "proof" of God's blessings is immature and very bad advice. I wish I didnt have to say that as strongly as I am... but marriage is nothing to fool with or to be taken lightly.
There is a series on Courtship that Paul Washer did. I dont know if it is available on SI or not, but to anyone contemplating a relationship with a member of the opposite sex I highly recommend you find it and listen to it... and heed it!
Krispy
KrispyKrittr wrote:There is a series on Courtship that Paul Washer did. I dont know if it is available on SI or not, but to anyone contemplating a relationship with a member of the opposite sex I highly recommend you find it and listen to it... and heed it!
Krispy
Also, this [url=https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/mydownloads/singlefile.php?lid=17989&commentView=itemComments]Singles Table Talk with Keith Daniel
Just the fact that God gave us a child is proof enough to me that He loves us
I know Godly couples who can't have children.
Anyways, I appreciate all the advice. I know Paul speaks on us choosing our own wife but...Why is there a but in my insides? =)
What if this is who I chose and not who God chose? I get scared that God is leading me to seperate sometimes but I can't imagine why. I'm almost even scared to pray about it for fear of saying break up. But then why would Paul, in 1 Corrinthians 7 say we can chose our own wife?
I know it wasn't meant to be this complicated. Good greif!
I said it before... I'll say it again... Find a mature Christian (or Christian couple) who has been walking closely with the Lord and married for many years... who knows the two of you fairly well... and seek their advice.
You want someone who will be brutally honest with you, not someone who will necessarily agree with you.
Krispy
Krispy is giving you good advice. Remember, this is the Internet. We don't know you.
What if this is who I chose and not who God chose? I get scared that God is leading me to seperate sometimes but I can't imagine why. I'm almost even scared to pray about it for fear of saying break up. But then why would Paul, in 1 Corrinthians 7 say we can chose our own wife?
What do you mean? The fact that you choose them manifests the fact that God chose them. Whether he chose them as a means of bringing you closer to him through affliction or to be a joyous blessing to you remains to be seen. It's impossible to go against God's predestined pursposes, but it is possible to go against his revealed will. Does that make sense? So, in summary, it is impossible not to fulfill the decreed will of God (what he has purposed to take place in time), but it is possible to not fulfill the revealed will of God (obeying the Scriptures).
We have freedom within the revealed will of God. If we are seeking to live a life in accordance with Scripture, we simply trust God to bring to pass his decreed will. We are never called to try and search it out by prayer, regardless of what modern spirituality tries to tell you. That is never how prayer is presented in the Scripture. The revealed things are for us and for our children, the hidden things belong to God (Deut 29:29).
Since I don't know you or this lady, it's impossible for us to give you sound counsel here. I can only present general Scriptural principle.
With care in Christ,
Taylor
We are never called to try and search it out by prayer, regardless of what modern spirituality tries to tell you. That is never how prayer is presented in the Scripture. The revealed things are for us and for our children, the hidden things belong to God (Deut 29:29)
Matthew 21:22
And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.
Luke 11:10
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
James 1:5-6
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
James 4:2-3
Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.
We are never called to try and search it out by prayer, regardless of what modern spirituality tries to tell you. That is never how prayer is presented in the Scripture. The revealed things are for us and for our children, the hidden things belong to God (Deut 29:29)
Heartsong is correct... this is flimsy theology, if it can even be called "theology".
Please expound upon this theory of yours using scripture.
Krispy
All of HeartSong's Scriptural examples have nothing to do with God speaking extra Biblical revelation into our minds, which is what she implied God would do if Santana asked him if he is supposed to marry this young lady. I see quickening the mind with wisdom; I see receiving the things we asked for - but I see the Lord giving you extra Biblical revelation.
1st Corinthians chapter 7 is my Scriptural proof. Paul says if you want to get married, get married (if it's a believer). Paul, inspired by God, gives you the freedom to choose a wife. Although the modern idea of decision making sounds spiritual, it simply is not found in the Bible. Nothing is said in 1st Cor. 7 about God telling you who to marry when you pray.
Another Scriptural example would be 1st Thessalonians 3:1 - "we thought it best". Not, "we had a feeling this was best"; not "I think the Lord may be telling me this is best". Simply, "we thought it best". They used sound decision making.
There is an objective standard for decision making - it's the Bible. I have brought this up numerous times, and not one person has brought up a verse that demonstrates clearly that God ever spoke or directed His people through thoughts or feelings implanted in their minds. It simply has no root in the Bible, and no root in historic Christianity.
For a detailed overview of this view of decision making, this is a helpful article: http://www.gfriesen.net/sections/willofgod_principles.php
With care in Christ,
Taylor
A wise person will pray about who they are to marry. There are certainly ways in which we can know... does the person help draw us closer to God... do other godly people approve of the relationship... etc etc.
But to suggest that we dont need to pray about the second most important thing you'll ever do in this lifetime is crazy.
Surely I'm misunderstanding you, right?
...not one person has brought up a verse that demonstrates clearly that God ever spoke or directed His people through thoughts or feelings implanted in their minds. It simply has no root in the Bible, and no root in historic Christianity.
Maybe thats because no ever suggested that. You just thought they did. I'm certainly not suggesting that. I'm saying that there are real life practical ways in which God can make His will for your life very clear... usually thru counsel of scripture and other older godly people who have been walking the walk longer.
Krispy
Brother,
Yes, you are misunderstanding me. However, the fault is probably mine for not explaining clearly.
I believe that we should pray. But, I believe we should pray in a Biblical manner. Perhaps, "Lord, give me wisdom to discern if this would be a godly marriage partner".
The kind of praying I was trying to warn against was: "Lord, should I marry this person?". I don't believe the Lord or the Apostles ever showed us that we should pray like that.
I believe we pray for wisdom and discernment, then we make our decisions based on Scriptural principles, trusting that the Lord works all thigns for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
With care in Christ,
Taylor
Isnt that the same thing?
Krispy
Brother Krispy,
I don't think so. In the first prayer ("Lord, give me wisdom and discernment in this situation"), you are not asking the Lord to just tell you who to marry by some voice or feeling. You are simply asking the Lord to give you clear judgment. Then, you apply other ordained means: counselors, parents, Bible study, etc.
In the second prayer ("Lord, should I marry this person"), you are asking for a response: "yes" or "no" that is given to you directly from God, generally circumventing the appointed means of making decision making (see above). I don't believe the Bible presents prayer in this fashion, at least not in an inaudible response. If someone is claiming they heard God's voice audibly, that may have more Biblical ground, because at least that kind of speaking occurs in the Bible.
Does that make sense?
With care in Christ,
Taylor
I think we're in agreement, just saying it differently.
Krispy
Santana wrote:
I'm in a courtship with a Godly woman but all of a sudden I'm unsure. I definitely want to marry her but now I have unrest, uneasiness and a lack of peace.Is it usually fear of commitment/marriage or is God telling me something? Not to sound like a third grader but we both love each other and we love the Lord even more...so what's the problem??
Has anybody ever experienced this?
Santana,
I've been reading through your responses and I feel someone must tell you... if you have any, and I mean any, reservations about marrying this girl. Do not do it!
Is she or her family pushing you two to get married? If they are, back off and let the seas calm.
This may not even be your story but I have known two guys, one in his 20's (son of a friend) and one in his 40's (another friend) and both girlfriends were pushing for marriage. Both guys said "No, not now. For sure later but definitely not now." Well, both girlfriends felt slighted and broke up with these guys instead of waiting and the sad thing is that they were married within the year to someone else.
I'm a female and I hate to be the one to this to you this but to me those two instances prove that some girls just want to be married and they really don't care to who. Now if you asked them if they cared to who, OF COURSE they would care but the proof is in the pudding....
**** I'm not saying your girlfriend is this way!!!****
I did though want to put this on the table before you "just in case," because you do seem a little hesitant.
I was hesitant and I should have followed my gut. There is a peace that comes with Christ!'
God bless,
So the 'uneasiness in my stomach' and 'lack of peace' isn't necessarily from the Lord...It could be all in my head right? =)
When I first met her I prayed, "Is she the 'one' or not Lord." I felt through a sermon that he said no. But maybe this is what happens when you don't spend time to know him and his voice. assumptions.
...and Lysa. Were both just taking it slow and our parents are kind of against it because there not saved and from different cultures. (whole 'nother topic)
I'm almost even scared to pray about it for fear of saying break up.
I would say you need to be willing to give up this girl, especially if God wills it of you. I would say this is some indication that you are having a difficult time seperating God's will from your own.
A lot of good advice has been given, but definately do two things. 1.) pray - this is the most important thing you can do. 2.) counsel - get council from mature Christians who know both of you.
Marriage is definately not something that needs to be rushed into. My wife and I married when we were young (20 each) and have been married for over two years. We do have a child and another on the way! How did I know that I was to marry my wife? I prayed about it and sought council. No one I sought council from (including parents) had an issue with it after they prayed for us.
The reality is that the "loviedovieness" is going to wear off. That is when true love sets in. I would say that love is a verb. It is something we choose to do. So, if you do get married and realize you are not fond of this girl, I'd say, "tough". A covenant is different than a contract. Contracts can be changed or broken; covenants can not.
If you are not willing to wait, I would say you should not get married. It is better to wait and be sure than to rush into it and realize you made a mistake.
something I did not say that is extremely important. put God before everything else. seek Him. just seek Him to know Him. The more you know God, the more you will be able to understand His will.
If you are not in the Word every day and praying constantly, start.
I'm with Lysa. Any hesitation, wait.
Krispy You talking to me about wisdom but yet your making judgements before you even know our full situation. I'm not wise. Don't sit here though and think your wiser than me simply because your older. Paul Washer said something along the lines that theres alot of old fools. So don't try being holy with me Krispy because your not. Your just as much of a 19 year old fool as I am. Your just as much of a sinner as I am. You should get to know someone real well before you make such judgements. And yes they were jugements even if you say they werent.
I know, I know. I always think about Jesus praying in the garden saying, "Your will, not mine."
I wonder if this is the one thing I love that God is calling me to give up.
But were just courting, engagement is long from here.
Krispy You talking to me about wisdom but yet your making judgements before you even know our full situation. I'm not wise. Don't sit here though and think your wiser than me simply because your older. Paul Washer said something along the lines that theres alot of old fools. So don't try being holy with me Krispy because your not. Your just as much of a 19 year old fool as I am. Your just as much of a sinner as I am. You should get to know someone real well before you make such judgements. And yes they were jugements even if you say they werent.
Yep... thats pretty much the response I expected.
You tell me not to judge you (which I did not), yet it's ok for you to judge me... which you just did.
Paul Washer said this: Many people say to me "judge not lest ye be judged"... and I tell them "twist not scripture lest ye be like Satan!"
Enough said. Not gonna waste time arguing with you.
Krispy
Also, another thing. You have ALOT of mis-judgments. I think you hate my advice because it goes according to faith and you can't stand faith. You think that having a child is the product of having sex. The only reason any child is born is because GOD gives them...not because people have sex. But go ahead and give man the power to make children just like all my unbelieving family does. Your a liar lemme say that. God alone gives a child and you can't for the life of you have sex and make one! That is a lie.
Me and my wife courted the best we could without our parents. I remained a virgin until we got married. We sure didn't live together. You can be very rude with my 19 year old advice. I don't care...The only question is...is it biblical?
Here's the Bible for you...you should shut your mouth and listen to Scripture. Your ideas are deadweight when God speaks...So listen!
[b]Marriage is honourable in all
Let thy fountain be blessed: and [b]rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. - Gen. 2:24
But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. - 1 Cor. 7:9
For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. - Mat. 19:12
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this]life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. - Ecc. 9:9
Lastly, just to put the icing on the cake for you holiness people
Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes: but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment. - Ecc. 11:9
Paul Washer said something along the lines that theres alot of old fools. So don't try being holy with me Krispy because your not. Your just as much of a 19 year old fool as I am. Your just as much of a sinner as I am.
Speaking of wisdom, it might be wise for you brothers to resolve this misunderstanding over in PM land. The wiser brother will be the one to initiate the reconcilliation.
Brother Paul
Krispy...you might want to read what I wrote. I didnd't tell you not to judge me. Go ahead and judge me. I just let you know that you were doing it because you seemed so concerned with judging me.
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