I've been thinking and praying what I want to write as led by God, and again I say, my voice is soft. You wrote:
Sister, may God love you as I do, but you are assuming what I feel, and you are wrong.
I am feeling intense grief that those children were KILLED. I'll explain: I've had three major loves in my life, and what you should understand is that those who do not know Messiah, lead what many here would regard as "unregenerate lifestyles", and hence be classified "fornicators". That's the view from safe within the walls of the church.
But my first love, lets call her Laura, we fell in love at 14, she was 13, and Jewish like me, beautiful and smart, we would spend hours talking, such fun. Our love was chaste, we were both innocents. I had made a promise to my dying grandmother that I would never marry any girl, but a Jewish girl. Silly as it sounds, at 14, I wanted to marry her, I think thats why she broke up with me(lol) I dropped out of the prestigious private highschool we both attended at 17, joined the Navy, completed boot camp with high marks, and was rewarded with probably one of the most sensitive jobs in the Navy, besides handling nuclear reactors or nuclear weaponry, but first came back home after boot camp, tanned, lean, muscular, in a dress white uniform, all white, and one of my rich, ultra-rich classmates was holding a party in his families 15 room apt, there were about 100 kids there, this was 1977, and Laura was there, she saw me, and I saw her, and it was like two magnets coming together. I loved her so much, on so many different levels. I would have married her the next morning. We planned a date the next evening, she borrowed her father's Mercedes Benz, and off we went. (He loathed me, "good" Jewish boys didnt join the Navy, and besides my family wasnt wealthy, not what he wanted for his lil girl) and that evening, we were intimate. Was it for the sex? No, not at all, people here might want to think it was all about lust, but we loved each other, dearly.
So, I left for my training, was taught Korean, and intel gathering skills, we wrote 10 page letters back and forth, this woman was a true intellect, I went off to Korea, hundreds of letters between us, and then I was stationed in Washington DC, and she was at Smith College in Massachusetts, and every chance we got, I was in Mass, or she was in DC, and on my 21st birthday we concieved. I knew EXACTLY what I was doing, and she had to also, because we had been having albeit sporatic, unprotected sex for 4 years. But at 2 in the morning, late December, as we lay in her dorm room, I can still see the ice on the her window, and a pair of candles buring, I whispered in her ear, "you're pregnant". "nooo", she whispered back. I shook my head, and said, "trust me, you are now pregnant", and we fell asleep. a few weeks later, she called me, she was pregnant.
Now, I was begging to marry her...way before this, dying to marry this woman, wanting to, nothing mattered to me more, this was my soulmate, my intellectual counterpart, but she said, and kept saying, "no, I'm not ready"...and me being the kind of "liberated" man that I was, I didnt press the point, but there were two things I didnt know, first, her father and mother both thought me beneath their station in life, even though they didnt know I handled material which I could have before the Presidents eyes in ten minutes flat. (her father was one of those left-wingy type lawyers that hated the military...knee jerk hatred, reflexive hatred) and second she was in the opening stages of having an affair with a classmate of ours at another Massachusetts college ten minutes away, I dont know if they were yet active at this point.
When she told me she was pregnant, I was so happy, but I couldnt even breathe because I feared what was next, I asked her very cautiously"what are you going to do?" She said, "You want me to have it?" ("IT"......thats when I started to really get scared) "Yesss".
She said, "I can't do that"....I said, "Baby, lets get married tommorrow".
"I can't do that either".
Trying to stay calm, I asked, "well, what do you want to do?"
"I don't know" Then I got real serious, I said very calm, "please, please, I am BEGGING you, do NOT kill that child". She started crying, and I told her, I would get emergency leave and be up there in 4 hours, and we'd just talk. No, she didnt want that. Over the next few days we talked, and I kept pleading begging, I even called my mother immediately, and asked her to back me up, care wise, and call Laura and let her she was there for her. It didnt matter, she had made up her mind, or in the week it took her to get the courage up to call her parents, they made up her mind for her, ordered her home, abortion time. I knew the precise moment it was all taking place, I went on sick leave that day, and just laid with my back against the wall, shivering, weeping, I could feel his limbs being torn apart, as I knew the exact time of the "appointment", and something died inside me, it was my love for her, at that moment I hated her, deeply and throughly. That was MY child too, and believe me, saints, I would be no absentee father. How dare she kill my child, our child? She should have just taken a gun and put it to my head too at that moment, for the way I felt. Kill me too....good.
I stopped calling, I couldnt, I could never feel the same way about her again. She would make the odd call or two, and then she wanted to come down to DC to see me, and on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial she told me of the affair she was having with our classmate, whose family was very wealthy, much more to her fathers liking. I sat down on those marble steps where my hero, Dr. Martin Luther King spoke to 250,000 people and I wept. She put her arm around me, and I stopped crying, looked up at her, and said, "please....don't", and then went back to mourning it all. After I finished we went thru the charade of having dinner at a Vietnamese resturant in Georgetown, fancy place. I was okay at that time, very subdued, but inside just cratered, and Laura made the mistake of ordering a nice bottle of white wine. She knew all the fine wines, but I dont drink that much, however that evening I did, and as the wine took effect, I spoke my heart, and my heart was dark and coursing. I spoke of a murdered child, I spoke of betrayal, I spoke of phony convienent love, it was ugly, she was in tears, I was in tears...I didnt raise my voice, I just didnt take my eyes off hers. The real steam behind my whole drunken diatribe was that child, repeatedly asking, "How could kill our baby?"
Finally I had enough, enough wine, enough table time with her, signaled to the waiter, threw a hundred on the table, rose, she rose with me, we went outside, I hailed a cab, and asked her what airport she wanted, "Dulles", gave the driver a twenty, opened the door for her, she got in, and I said "see ya". (mind you, she had more credit cards on her, than any of us have, so it wasnt out of line for me to assume she could ticket any flight she wanted) and that was the last time I spoke with her.
The classmate she was having an affair with became her husband, dont know when, they have three children. Her father was disbarred in 1985 for being a crook, and her husband facebooked me, asking me for free tickets to my show as "money was tight", I guess his people didnt leave him a large inheritance, and to date they havent come to see my show. I told him, "that I can't give out free tickets, but I'd love to see you guys".
Do I forgive her? of course. Do I still grieve over that baby. You bet, yes I do, BUT its a Romans 8:28 thing, because on my 35th birthday me and my wife, the most beautiful red-headed South side Irish/Jewish woman I've ever met concieved our only child.My boy. God likes to give me good birthday presents, because two days ago, that boy,all of 13 years old, with his mother in tow, was accepted at a prestigious military academy, scoring 99 percantile on all tests. He wanted to go there, because it is his intention to attend Annapolis and God willing become a Naval Aviator.
Now the only unhappiness about this all, is that his mother divorced me after my salvation, and I miss her, tremendously, but she wasnt walking with God at that time, and we had grown very toxic. She follows Jesus now, but had re-married, a man who I love very much, a man I respect. Since my salvation I have not "dated"....or anything. I miss my wife.
So there it is. I dont feel any "guilt", you get washed in the Blood, and such guilt goes away. I'm wrecked right now, as these are memories were long forgotten, I have not the strength to recount the other two times.
What I say originally stands, I'm just happy those babies are alive, and to those who feel called to denounce sin, fingers a pointing, cheeks quavering at this sin or that sin, or pronounce this one a "true" Christian OR NOT, tread very carefully, you're playing with Fire, the Fire of God, and He doesnt have much patience with hypocrites. (I'm not talking to you Ginny) There is nothing ANY of us can do to be HOLY ENOUGH, despite what various holiness preachers may tell you. God can see right thru ALL of us, right thru the religious pride, the posturing, the posing, the churchly venacular, the religiousity, all of it. Point a finger, you play with Fire, consider the case of Ted Haggard and tremble with fear, fore God will expose all hypocrisy.
All we can do, is to plead the Blood of Christ and throw ourselves on the Mercy of God, anybody tells you otherwise doesnt know the Truth of the Gospel.
God bless ya Ginny I love you and the LORD loves you, neil
