Question for married men on the importance of womens beauty

Hi

I have a question or two for Christian men who are married.

1)What role did your girlfriends physical beauty have on your decision to marry her?

2)For those that have been married for some time now how important is physical/sexual chemistry in your marriage today and physical attraction in general?
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My reason for asking men to share is due to my struggles with lust and i really don't know as a Christian what priority or importance physical beauty should have in a marriage that should reflect Christ's relationship to his church.

It is well known that men are stimulated visually. What i am trying to discern is how much of that is God given and not just twisted in a fallen world.

Please share if you feel you have something to say. I am hoping for some married men to speak up as they would be voices of experience and not just intellectual knowledge.

I was about to recommend Tim Conway's video, but when I clicked back to the thread it had already been recommended.

If you'll truly hear with your heart, what Tim shares from his heart, you just may be spared from years of misery,heartache,and pain. I cannot emphasize that enough. If you listen to Tim intently you will hear him pleading as a father would to a son.

Ohhhh.....that you'd hear him and TAKE HEED!

Sadly,the majority have not taken heed to such pleas.

May it never be that you experience what many a man are reaping this very moment,at the hands of that beautiful bride they were deceived by.

Stay clear of the many Jeze-lilah's who will be nothing but rottenness to your bones.

Men of God do not always obtain a wife who is a woman of God. Nor does a woman of God always marry a man of God.

If fathers would be fathers,and protect their daughters,and if fathers would be fathers and teach and guide their sons,more marriages just might be more of a heavenly experience than a hellish one.

That lust, is and has been, more readily interpreted as love by the multitudes, only the ignorant, whether they be young or old, would deny.

May God our Father protect His sons and daughters from their own vanity and pride,at this particular altar.

Worship God.

It seems like the approach to marriage nowadays is all wrong. Some marry for trophies and some marry for quality and some marry for status. Beauty fades over time and what's left is the character of the significant other. For me I actually looked for an older Christian couple to council me about this manner and they introduced me to Bill Gothards teaching about marriage. WOW! Was I blown away with what they had introduced me with! I basically asked both of my divorced (non Christian) parents on what type of wife they wanted me to have. Five years later when that type of potential bride came around we got married. I'd def recommend checking out Bill Gothards materials on marriages or even go to one of his workshops!

Servant,

The questions you are asking is not confined to males: females have to deal with it as well.

I think I will back out now - you wanted males' perspectives and that I ain't...I am a grandmother! :-) I will say this - so far you got some excellent responses.

Blessings,
ginnyrose

Servant, if you know a godly young woman who loves the Lord more than her own breath, and at the same time maybe she's not going to qualify for Miss America... you grab her.

"...For the LORD seeth not as man seeth: for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heasrt" (1 Sam. 16.7).

My reason for asking men to share is due to my struggles with lust and i really don't know as a Christian what priority or importance physical beauty should have in a marriage that should reflect Christ's relationship to his church.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain (or empty). Yet, every woman I have ever known has had a desire in their heart to be seen as beautiful. I don't think that desire is entirely out of place. I think women should be concerned about their appearance in that they take care of their physical body and take steps to have a pleasant and appealing appearance in a general sense. But our culture has placed such a premium on some iconic idea of physical beauty that most women compare themselves to it and feel they fall short, and many if not most men are seduced by it and many fall into lust. This is indeed a problem and it is not unique to the world as you can testify.

I can tell you about my own experience with my wife. I personally found her quite attractive, but it was not just physical beauty that caught my eye. I was most attracted to the Spirit of God that dwelt in her. She was a Godly woman. Our personalities "clicked" so to speak. She has beautiful, striking eyes and a fantastic smile. It was these things that really drew me to her rather than her physiological construction. As I said before, if she did not care at all about her appearance and did not make herself attractive but rather let herself go so to speak, I don't know that I would have ever sought her out. So it is important for her to take care of herself physically and be attractive, but not in any sense that invites lust or that mimics the worlds perversion of beauty.

As we have been married, she has become more and more beautiful to me. After 17 years I find her much more physically attractive than I did 17 years ago. Physical intimacy plays a really big role in marriage, but it does not come as a result of physical attraction. The worlds ideas of this are often very much like the animal kingdom. Male and female are attracted by physical attributes resulting in sexual activity. Not so with marriage. I have heard it said that sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. God designed it so that the two become one. It is a binding agent if you will in the relationship and not just a means to procreation. It is important and I think vital in any marriage. It is the surrendering of yourself to the other mutually and it is a beautiful thing. And, I think, it is one of the things that leads me to find my wife more and more attractive physically as the years go by.

Servant, if you know a godly young woman who loves the Lord more than her own breath, and at the same time maybe she's not going to qualify for Miss America... you grab her.

I would like to add to this...I am sure Disciple means well but I believe this should be said in addition to what he did.

Before you grab her, make sure you bring your lusts under the blood of Jesus. Marriage is not cure for lust. Ever consider the number of married men who still struggle with it?

If you marry a godly lady without taking care of the sin problem, you will be hurting her so bad she will wonder why on earth she ever married you! If the wife senses that she does not satisfy, she will be hurt to the core of her being - the core of what she is and who she is. Trust me! I have heard too many testimonies that will describe this pain.

This is all from a females perspective. Since a female is the other half of this union, they have plenty to say, as well. It takes two to completely satisfy both. Do it God's way and you will be blessed.

Blessings,
ginnyrose

I am sure Disciple means well

Hi Sister Ginny.

...Poor choice of words on my part. I had no thought of doing this in a physical sense.

I just meant... well, I think it's clear what I meant. Go for her, pursue her, court her. Don't let the outward appearance cause you to miss out on someone with true beauty.

Hello friend. My name is Jason. I hope what I have to say will be helpful and encourage you in the Lord.

To answer your first question I would say it would be good to understand the difference between love and lust in regard to your attraction to this woman. Are you attracted to the Godly qualities within her or are you too heavily swayed by her looks and charms to see her true character? When I was able to objectively decide that I loved my wife's personality, inner beauty and Godly qualities then I was able to truly see her physical beauty as a gift. I truly enjoyed looking at her face and into her eyes. I was physically attracted to her.

I do not trust in that beauty to make me happy with her and keep me faithful. I trust in the Lord first. What I believe is a big part of our enjoyment of each other in our marriage currently is our friendship. I get more fulfillment out of our friendship than sex.

For some reason this post intrigues me because it reminds me so much of our children when they were teens and before they got married.

As young people the boys were awed with beautiful girls and Regina with handsome males! (We had four boys and one girl.) They ohhhed and ahhhed about them - so much that I became quite concerned! Were they going to make choices for companions based on looks?

One day I spoke to the most verbal of our boys about this issue. He was a tad bit exasperated when he said "MOM! I do not think there is one guy who does not appreciate a pretty girl!" And, yes, he knows that looks should not be a determining factor in choosing a life companion.

What did our children do when they did marry? Not one of their spouses would stand a chance in a beauty contest. Not one. However, their spouses are very nice people who are interested in serving the LORD. This is where true beauty lies.

Having said all this, let me say this as well. I would never tell a person they should reject anyone because they are pretty or handsome. Some guys love pretty girls but then do not trust them as spouses. Some people, through no fault of their own, are very beautiful physically just as some are quite plain and maybe, well, ugly. The difference can be noted in what they think of themselves, how much resources, time is spent to enhance their beauty. Our daughter was a very beautiful girl. She was this way from the time her hair grew long enough to comb. She was cute, pretty until meds (taken to shrink a malignancy) spoiled her beauty. But she did not mind. Actually, she got weary of hearing people complimenting her beauty. She did little beyond proper hygiene to enhance it. It is character that counts, just like Bro Tom says.

Ok, now maybe I have said all there needs to be said from my perspective as a wife, mom and grandmother.

ginnyrose

Good post, Ginnyrose.

Brother, It would be quite silly to say looks don't matter, I would say there has to be something that attracts. Now where men and women get into trouble is when the Outside appearance is the all encompassing focus rather than other important facts like Does she love the Lord, does she possess and have qualities that I desire to see in a mate. I would also ask this question If my wife gain 500 bls would I still find her attractive?

I believe for intial attraction Looks are important however if her beauty is only skin deep then what's the point? I love my wife, we have been married for 3 wonderful years and are changing, aging, maturing, gaining weight, even growing hair in new places (for my back:)

As many have already said beauty fades quickly or more carefully worded outer beauty fades however Inner beauty doesn't tarnish.

My wife amazes a little more each day, She is generous, funny and beautiful inside and out. She is still a baby Christian and so she is full of wonderful questions and seeks the Lord's will. What I love about her the most is that she is a wonderful mother to my children, along with hardworking. She at times apologizes to me for not telling me about her giving money to someone that needs it because she wants to give secretly. I completely trust her in that because I know she doesn't want to purposely cause me or my kiddos any harm.

My advise is this don't let beauty distract you and cause you to make irrational dicisions. Keep your Focus on Christ and all these things will be added unto you including a wife.

I hope that I helped in some way shape of form. :)

wow! I watched the Conway video. That was, I believe, some of the best advice anyone could receive concerning this subject. Thanks for posting it!

There's some good wisdom for the women on this video as well, at about the 37 minute mark.

I looked every where for a message about "finding a husband," for the purpose of posting here. However, could not find even one!

MGuldner - I like what you say.
John Wesley made a terrible mistake that cost him years of heartache - because he totally "over-spiritualized" the whole thing of marriage and who to marry.

Attractiveness is ABSOLUTELY part of finding a partner. If you "over-spiritualize" this then you can totally end up makiing foolish decisions. But the "inner" spiritual qualities of the person are, of course, vital.

I believe in falling in "love" with the right person - and natural attraction is a part of that. The more important part is the "spiritual" side, but if we neglect the "natural" side of things then we are not wise at all.
Some "holiness" people really get hung up about all this.

I believe in both.

If you put God truly "first" then He will lead you to the right person at the right time.

God bless you! -Andrew Strom.

God has given us His Word. May we look there and find His Way for us. There in His Word, it is laid out plainly before us, for both men and women, His Way to find a spouse. Just as there is a significant difference in the roles of each(man,woman),there is also a significant difference in the approach of finding a wife for a man, and a woman preparing herself to be a bride adorned for her husband.

A message by Tim Conway may clarify what I am implying in what I've written above. My previous post in this thread touched upon this as well.

Go to the following link to listen to Tim's balanced message on this subject,"The Ungodly Practice of Dating - Fathers Protect Your Daughters"

http://playmp3.sa-media.com/media/61506205713/61506205713.mp3

Believe God...

not culture,upbringing,tradition,philosophy,or the opinions of men.

Worship God.

hi, because there are so many wonderful posts on this i will not comment other than to say beauty is only skin deep but ugly is to the bone. i was married to a lady who was one of the most beautiful women in the state and when we were dating and going to church together she was quiet and loving.we dated for over a year and never missed an opportunity to worship the Lord together.we kept our relationship pure.everywhere we went people would ask for her autogragh.i was in ga ga land.we got married and the night we came home from our honeymoon she told me that she was not going to go to church with me any more an that our churchfriends were not welcome in thehouse. shelaid out ten or so more commandments i had to live by that were just as strange.she tried to kill me twice and was having an affair in a few months with our handyman.please watch the advised video and read the words of this whole topic for it is very important.jimp

One of the godliest ministers in the UK who has seen revival once gave this advice to a young man who came to see him.

The young man liked a godly woman very much and admired her but just did not feel very attracted to her. Should he marry her for her godliness alone?

The pastor wisely advised him not because he said that over time the young man would come to despise her if he was not attracted to her.

This is common sense. It's not a question of beauty OR godliness. The woman who is right for you should be both godly and someone you are deeply attracted to.

(Please note that one of my male friends did take a little longer to recognise God's choice for him because although he WAS attracted to God's choice, he was distracted by an even more beautiful woman at first. However, over time he grew more attracted to the right one and was very attracted indeed to her when they were married. They are very happy together and have a beautiful marriage.)

If you marry a woman who is godly but you are not deeply attracted to, it is not fair on her and you risk being unhappily married. Equally if you concentrate on looks alone you will end up regretting your choice.

God has created sex and attraction and it is not sinful but part of His way of directing you to a mate. Friendship and feeling comfortable with that other person should be there as well as the godliness in her.

Pray and ask God to direct you to the right woman. His choice will be the best choice and He can show you who His choice is.

Have you read Elizabeth Elliot's 'Quest for Love' - there are stories of godly people who prayed and were directed to God's choice for them - a real encouragement. These spiritual people were sexually attracted to their partners too.

God Bless.

First, lust is a fruit of the flesh, and will always destroy. If you allow lust to be a major part in determining your partner, you will learn heartache. If lust controls you, even a less attractive woman than your wife will be a temptation to you, in the flesh or in evil imaginings. Marriage does not deliver you from lust, nor the beauty of your wife to help control it. Lust must be mastered through the killing of the old man and the forming of Christ within you. I hope you understand I'm not trying to be hard on you. I wish someone had told me this many years ago. I was taught marriage covered or made my lust not sinful. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 shows me different.

My wife was an attractive lady, and a godly woman to boot. Since we were raised in a pentecostal church, she actually dressed down, hiding her outward beauty in "godly" hairdos, baggy clothing, etc. Lots of guys considered her plain. But in 1970, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Forty years later, I feel the same. As we've grown in Christ, our love has grown stronger.

Young brother, as you seek God's righteousness, ask Him for the woman He wishes you to marry. God's blessings to you.

The following is a boiled down version of a principle I give my own children:)

Every person, including a possible spouse, has a why how and what. Their why is the truth they are living for, the how is their character, personality, and thinking style, and their what is their physical assets like appearance and material wealth.

The why is more important then the how, and the how is more important then the what. So if you can choose which one you are going to be compatible on choose the higher levels, not the lower.

The reason I as a father do not allow my teenage children to date at all, is because I don't believe knowing ones own why and how is something teenagers in our consumer society are capable of. Perhaps a hundred years ago people knew who they were earlier in life, but not today. In fact i think it takes many years to truly understand this about ourselves. Yet this is an essential prerequisite before making promises of fidelity to other people.

However, If we want to truly be integrated with a person as a spouse, we should want to be integrated on all 3 levels, including the what. If we find that we are planning to marry someone we are not compatible with on all three levels, we can expect trouble, and should reconsider.

If we find, after we are married, we are not compatible on all three levels, Gods grace is sufficient. More often then not, because we know ourselves better later in life, we paid less attention early on to the why in ourselves and our partners, and made life choices without proper insight. This is predicament we are all familiar with. However, God can build the how and why into a person through his Word and trials.

MC

I say dont overthink how much beauty matters to you.I think you should ask yourself one thing, can you lay your life down for her?She will want and need all your love,no she will need the love Jesus will love through you.Give yourself to Jesus then you can give yourself to her.