Overcoming bitterness

I am wondering if anyone can share (or is willing to) how God has helped them, or what He has used in their life in overcoming bitterness. I am not talking about being overlooked and not invited to a dinner or something....I am talking about being on the receiving end of a gut-wrenching offense that can threaten to put you into paralyzing bitterness for life. I am not asking for what one SHOULD do...we all know what we should do, we know all the verses, we have read all the books, we have heard all the sermons.....I am asking if anyone has had victory over such a temptation that was REALLY a struggle for them, what it was that set them free.

I realize that I am asking something pretty personal, and I am not able to share from my own life because it would be a breach of privacy to loved ones who are close to me. I am not asking for details of a situation, I am just asking if there has ever been an eye-opener that really helped someone in overcoming. I am guessing that if people have not yet experienced what I am talking about, they will experience it one day in their Christian life, because it seems a fairly successful tactic of the enemy to derail us in our walk.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Hello mama27 my heart goes out to you in your very real trial.I know what you mean when you say you cant share too much do to loved ones.This tells me you are tring to think of others first and thats a big step.

I do not know what happened in your life but I believe something did by your post.

I grew up in a "christian" cult where 2 to 3 times a week we all sat in a circle and confessed all are sin and I mean ALL are sin.And if you did not you sat there and they would rip on you till you did.It could be 2:00 in the morning sometimes.There were meany other abuses but this was the core one.

To make a very long store short when I FINNALY saw how wrong it all was I went into full blown PTSD.

I said that to say Jesus Christ has deliverd me.

For the first year or two I did alot of yelling at every thing.SO ANGERY.

One day I was driving home from work and the LORD spoke to my heart and said there was a way out but it was not bitterness.

Then for the next year or two I just quit yelling and tripping out. The bitterness was still there but I began to believe in Jesus again that He could heal me.

He led me to forgive by faith not by feeling.Day after day year after year LOOKING TO JESUS ALONE.I knew only He could heal me .I was so desperate for a real work of Jesus nothing a book or men could give was going to do for me.

O the Daystar began to rise in my heart!2 Pet 1:19

I do not foget what was done to me .I just remember in a new way.I see those people as sin sick souls blind in desperate need to of Jesus Christ.

I look back and I see Jesus working in me for His glory.HE is my rock.

I want to tell you ,you cant do it!JESUS CAN!

And to tell you the truth HE ALREADY DID IT
ON A CROSS 2000 YEARS AGO!

The father placed you and me in Jesus on the cross we died with Him were buried with Him and rose with Him!

You see your problem is realy His problem and He SETTLED IT ON THE CROSS and rose in victory!

Hello,

This post really hit me because this is something I'm going through right now and I know how hard it is for me. I'm going to tell you a little of my story so you know where I am coming from.

Very recently I was in a serious relationship where I believed we where going to get married. I had made my choice. I believe love is a choice (biblical love) and I was committed to that. We were complete opposites, two total ends of thinking, but God used that to force issues that no one else could have ever brought up in us.

Then one night, I was struggling in God, I drove around in my car, which is my prayer closet, crying out to God, I knew I had my slipping and I didn't know what to do or where to go with my life and He spoke to me. When God speaks to me its audible. He basically told me to break up with her, a lot of other things were said in this but this is the point that pertains to this. I was heart broken, almost destroyed even. Wrongly so, I know but I had never been so willing to be with someone forever.

The next time I talked to her I did. I broke her heart along with mine. I think 3 days went by and I was crying out to God about this and I thought about it so hard I reasoned it in my mind that God was telling me that I had to fully commit to her or nothing. Even though God gave me very clear instructions I found a way in my mind that made it ok.

So we got back together and we worked somethings out and God was still with us but I knew somewhere in me that is was wrong and at some point I had to give her up. I seen it coming, it was going to be her now that broke up with me. It happened just as I thought, she knew we were drifting from God and it just wasn't right anymore. I knew this is what had to be done and I was ok with that.

At this point we were still very close, emotionality still together. Then God part another guy in her life. He started texting her and she told me and asked if I wanted her not to but I believed God put him in her life so I told her to talk to him. I gave her space and they got closer together, at some point I knew I was out and he was in. I still could have stopped it but I had erred once already with God in this same manner and I wasn't about to do it again.

They started dating, I was destroyed. I didn't know what to do, I tried being her friend but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything at this point but make her life miserable. So we decided it would be best if we didn't talk or see each other which had to happen, but here is where the bitterness comes in.

We had talked one last time before we decided we weren't going to talk anymore, I don't remember why she said this, but she said I don't have those feeling for you anymore. I froze in shock. True or not i've never been hurt by another human so bad. The endless love I had for her and this is how she feels.

This is where my pain comes from. She was the only person who could hit me there. It may be Gods will but sometimes its all I can think about.

Now for the thing that helps me. Love. Coming from God, through Christ of course, but pure true biblical love. Because if I truly love her I must let her go and be happy, her getting closer to God which is happening. Love is it for me. I search that in Christ, trying to find the height, depth, width, length of it in Christ, trying to get as much of Christ to come out in me as possible.

This may not help you, but everything must be in love. Its the only way to walk as a Christian. Also I have my good days and bad days. This started as a bad day, but God found me today when I wasn't looking when I had stopped fighting, He is truly, truly to good for us.

May we please Him with our sacrifices, our things, self, and lives. He is so worthy.

In love,
Joe

P.S. sorry about it being so long.

Bitterness occurs when someone we loved and trusted failed us. They did not meet up to our expectations, whether justified or not.

Now, how do I cope with this loss of trust, of love?

What is reality? Reality is that humans will fail us at some point in life. This will not be a one-time thing but will happen in the course of living. Realizing this to be the fact of life will go a long ways in preventing one from becoming so dependent on others. You still will love people but you will learn to not hold them so tightly because they are humans and will at some level fail in meeting your expectations.

How to you get rid of bitterness? The best way is to prevent it in the first place but sometimes we get caught in the whorl of events that leaves us breathless. When this happens it is a good thing to recognize our failure to listen to the red flags God sent our way but refused to acknowledge. And then realize that we may have placed this person on a pedestal, elevated him/her to a godlike status. It is to our advantage to have this god knocked off his pedestal.

But what about in the case of abuse by parent, spouse? or betrayal by a friend or spouse? The fact remains is that you will have to come to the LORD with your hurt and leave it there. You have to tell Him everything, your anger, your frustration. And you may have to pray much, long and hard for days until you feel peace flood your soul. You may have to do this on a regular basis. Then you will experience peace. When this happens you must be aware how easily you can fall back into it again because you may become lax in your time with God. Just know that staying close to GOD always will protect you from further episodes. As time goes on and you have learned to accept this as a reality and no long feel bitter you will have learned to overcome it. But you cannot do it apart from God's intervention in your heart. You must also know that you will always be vulnerable to bitterness when the memory of this event comes to mind. As you mature you will be able to look back on this incident and not feel bitter - you may even come to understand that this incident prompted growth in your life that would not have happened had you not experienced it. But this is a long ways off, so do not bother about this at the moment as being very unrealistic. This is a little bit like making bread and you do not yet know how to use a measuring cup or spoons.

Hope this helps...and Blessings to you...

ginnyrose

Thank you so much to all who have responded for your carefully thought out posts.....I am pondering all that you have said. I am not looking for anything "magical", and I know it is a process that is different for each of us. I expect that I am not alone in this struggle. I am thinking that wanting to be right with God is perhaps one of the greatest gifts He can give us. We cannot even muster that on our own. I so appreciate those who took the time to write!

I've not read any of the other responses yet but wanted to share with you my battle. Betrayal is definitely not something you get over within a day.

I sent you a pm about my experience.

God bless you,
Lisa

Matt 5:44 But I say unto you. Love your enemies, bless them that curse you,do good to them that hate you,and pray for them that despitefully use you, and persecute you.

Matt 18: 21-35. Simply put, we must forgive or we will be given tormentors to torment us. We all know bitterness is a tormentor.

Hebrews `12-15 shows bitterness comes because we missed the grace of God to overcome the "offence".

1. Ask for more grace and forgiveness for missing it.
2. See that the enemy is trying to destroy you and the other person. The enemy has come between the two of you.
3. As you begin to pray for this person, purpose in your heart to forgive. Say it out loud.!!
4. Bring this person next to you, (figuratively) and hold them close. Protecting them from the enemy, through prayer.
5. You are now standing together against this strategy of the enemy, even though the other person does not know it.
6. Pray Ps 35 1-9. Let the enemy be confounded! Let him fall into the snare he laid for us! etc....

This should help. It is what we do.

Ruf

Not to throw this thread offtopic but I am curious to ask, Do you think women are more likely to be bitter than men? Or vise versa? If there is a difference why do you think that is?

I've been thinking about what I wrote to you, our emotions get in the way. I am deeply hurt over what the person in my family did but my "inward man" KNOWS that I have to forgive her. Can I forgive her today? I'm working on it. But I let the devil hear me say to Jesus, "I forgive her, help me to not hold any grudges."

The word is clear: if we don't forgive others we won't be forgiven, period but I also know that it doesn't come easily; it is something I fight for daily.

Sister, the Lord knows your heart and my heart and the offender's heart. He loves all of us somehow!!!!

One thing I have noticed though, if I "choose" to gossip to other people about it, it brings up all the hurts feelings AGAIN that I've got to work through, so for me, I'm learning that when I'm hurt not to go around talking to everyone about it but take it to Jesus and He helps me see that He loves her too and is trying to work with her as well. Because when we talk to other human beings about it, you know they are not going to put us on the road to repentance!! LOLOLOL They are going to jump on the bandwagon with us and tell us how "right" we are to be offended and blah blah blah blah!! The devil will use them to fortify our so called position.

I'm not saying you're running to other people, please don't think that. I'm telling what I'M learning for me!! I confess, I'm the culprit - I've ran to other people. God forgive me. It's a learning process for us all. Our goal in the end is to be more like Jesus and unless the dross raises to the top, it can't be thrown out and the gold can't be pure.

God bless you in your journey to be more like Jesus too!!
Lisa

It is SUCH a hard thing. I knew when I posted that I am surely not alone in this. I think it is MUCH grace from the Lord that even allows us to WANT to get right. I am ever thankful for that. You are right - it IS tempting to run to others for "support". I am very grateful that I have several close Christian friends who DO say the hard things and don't encourage me to have a pity party. That is another one of God's wonderful blessings to me in my life. I think this forum accomplishes some of the same thing, if we can share our heart without provoking hostility in another.

A point from the post by Ruf......"Bring this person next to you, (figuratively) and hold them close." This really spoke to me, and I share it in the hopes that it will help someone else. I think human nature is such that when someone greatly hurts us, we push them away. It is ONLY GOD who could give us the grace to continue to "hold them close".....because depending on the nature of the hurt, we are making ourselves vulnerable to being used or hurt again. Perhaps again and again and AGAIN......

But how can we deny that it is not God's way to push someone away. And so our Christian testimony does not hold water, if we don't endeavor to conquer this. That is where I am at.

I hope no one reading this will misunderstand - there are extreme and severe cases maybe of sexual abuse, or continued alcoholism or something, where forgiveness and conquering bitterness DO NOT REQUIRE that a Christian keep himself/herself in a position of danger. Yes, God still requires us to forgive in the very hardest of circumstances, but it may be necessary for safety's sake to remove oneself from continued abuse until the offender is repentant or has exhibited a change in lifestyle. These extreme cases are not what I am talking about.

Thank you to all who have shared. May God help us all to live pure lives before Him - and that means being right (as far as we are able) with all men....

Good word Lisa,

Same for me Mama. So hard to forgive like Jesus, even when we have the Word in our hearts and know the Scriptures. I confess that I was so hurt I spoke of my hurt to some of my family and it does keep it alive.

For me only Jesus can help me do this. Forgiveness - bitterness is so foreign in my spirit and so ugly all I could do is ask God to forgive me and help me as I cried out to Him.

And even thou it was so hard, I began to obey the Word of God and pray for their salvation. And the more I did it the more I began to really mean it. Jesus longs for no person to perish. I began to get more of His heart for the lost. Eyes off my hurt.

The reason we cant do it without His help is that we know it was Him that helped us become free of bitterness and to see with His heart and His eyes. He gets all the glory. We are so extremely dependent upon Him for everything.

I can praise my Lord today that He has set me free from the bitterness of what people have done to me or my family. We will have cause to be bitter but we are not of the world any longer, we are God's, a new creation. We can overcome by His help, grace and love. I have to keep pressing in. He is our help in every situation alone. Amen and Glory to our God.

Do you think women are more likely to be bitter than men? If there is a difference why do you think that is?

Yes.

Perhaps because we are so dependent for our well-being on others. We are more emotional and feel deeply. When our sense of worth is violated the hurt is deeper; and when there seems to be no recourse to it bitterness sets in. It happens when one feels so helpless to change the situation.

What say, sisters?

Matthew, do men experience this?

I am not disagreeing with ginnyrose, but I have a little different take on it. It seems to me that generally (not always), women are more relational than men. I don't know for me if it is that my worth is dependent on another so much as it is that the more relational you are, the more vulnerable and transparent you make yourself. Thus, when someone hurts, wounds, or offends, the effects are that much greater than for relationships that were not as deep in the first place. I joke with my kids who have watched me their entire lives - I am so relational that I am greatly saddened even when the mailman moves to a different route....:(

I don't know though that I would say men are exempt from bitterness. I have seen many a man bitter over rejection by a child, or being overlooked for advancement on the job, or just plain mad at the hand God dealt them in life.

I am so relational that I am greatly saddened even when the mailman moves to a different route....:(

Is it OK to chuckle? :-)

I agree with your post, mama.

You can chuckle, but I actually toned it down a bit.....I am not greatly saddened, I actually cry.....I am not joking....None of my kids is married yet - don't know how I'll ever make it thru a wedding!

Mama,

My baby is a 30 YO male and the oldest is 42 YO, balding and graying! In between these two there were three other children. I tell you when they marry a godly person, this is an occasion for joy and pleasure. When a child dies from terminal illness this is a time for grief but is alleviated by the comforting presence of the Holy Spirit. BUT when you have children walk away from the LORD it is a time for the utmost grief for which there is no comfort. Why? because God grieves, too. Then occurs a test of faith, the like you do not ever want to experience. I would much rather bury a child who is right with the LORD then see a child walk in sin.

In the meantime, mama, enjoy your children and be sure to take an intense interest in their walk with the LORD. AND keep you relationship with the LORD. Ask Him everyday for guidance in knowing how to mother your children.

God bless.

sometimes bitterness can take root, especially after years and years of broken promises...sometimes even when one thinks that they have overcome through Christ Jesus bitterness will rear its ugly head and you realize your still struggling.

rdg

I agree with both ginnyrose and rdg....That is why I thought it was a worthwhile discussion. I don't believe anyone is immune. And yes - when you think you've got it mastered, the enemy comes and attacks from a completely different angle. This is one reason I am so thankful for Christian friends who will call sin sin, and not be enablers to a pity party....

Hum I am not sure exactly, me personally I would say I am definitely not immune to bitterness but compared to my wife it seems it takes something more dramatic to cause it, or at least the outward signs of bitterness. Men tend to cover their emotions well and so bitterness may very well be present but at times its harder to see (this doesn't include all men but just a generalization). Also for me personally I don't get emotionally attached to the same things my wife does and so I think bitterness comes in different avenues that effect the men more than women. A man that is emotionally attached to a woman and then that relationship ending because of betrayal would likely cause bitterness, a man losing his job wrongly would cause bitterness.

I would say that men overall are equally exposed to the temptation of bitterness however we guys don't function well dealing with emotions and feelings and so its generally easier to just drop the subject and let it role off our shoulders. I would also say it doesn't have so much to do with gender as it does personality types however the relational guy is a dime a dozen.

Thanks for sharing a guy's perspective. I would say it's pretty consistent with what I see in my husband and 3 sons. Whatever the case though, we would all do well to ask God for the grace to be victorious over this spiritual cancer. Thank you to everyone who has contributed on this thread.

to place the person in question in His hands to forgive them on my behalf

Two helpful replies, AtG, and Neil.....Placing the person in His hands was one I hadn't thought of (in terms of the forgiveness).....I HAVE found it helpful to continually ask God to show me my own sin, the multitude of times when I have needed forgiveness - then the focus is not so much on the offender.

"you just have to get used to the bitter sting of that slap on the cheek"

Now that surely sounds like a male reply :) :) I'm not sure I can EVER get used to that!

I think an issue is that for mothers, we are inextricably linked to our children. We KNOW in our hearts that they must leave the nest, that they must grow separately from us, that their faith must be theirs and not just a parroting of ours. However, when they make choices that we do not deem wise or best (as I know we ALL do in God's eyes), it is quite difficult to emotionally release them into God's hands to orchestrate the events of their lives in a way that will point them to Him - painful as that may be to watch. So then when you look back to earlier days when things seemed "fine", and it "seemed" that things were in your control (of course we know they weren't ever in our control), and they reject your wise counsel which is only given in love (again a parallel to how God is with each of us), that is where the bitterness comes in, and it is not a slap on the cheek, it is like a dagger in the heart.

As an aside, I don't know about others, but I found that my understanding of the heart of God was opened up incredibly when I became a parent. Any of us who have children know that we don't want them to obey us out of compulsion, we want them to obey us out of love. We don't want them to view us as unreasonable and demanding ogres in their lives, we want them to SO TRUST US that they KNOW in their heart of hearts that we would NEVER try to hurt them or advise them wrongly (of course we are imperfect parents as God is not).

I am grateful to all who have shared...

I think there are times we just have to hold fast to Jesus because the enemy would love for us to be consumed by the poison that bitterness is. This is a good topic for me just now...

rdg

For me sometimes there is just NOTHING I can do. I believe that the DESIRE to be rid of it is a huge step in the right direction. Maybe really God has to do it all, b/c you think you have it conquered and then it raises up its ugly head again with a slightly different twist. I do not WANT to "coddle it", though sometimes I do.....

I have just had another opportunity to allow bitterness to take over myself. The battle was that I love both of these family members so very much. One was hurting another. One was trapped in a religious spirit and the other needing a weak Christian. I was becoming very angry and really wanted to chew out the one with the pharisee spirit. And did the words came to mind to do it, oh yes.

But in my heavy heart, I went to the Lord in fasting and prayer and the Word. Reading in the Psalms and praying. Then the warfare prayers came over me. This is where the battle belongs. They both need to be set free and that is where the spiritual warfare began. It was a prayer poured out with extreme intent.

In the Name of Jesus Christ, my Savior and the Savior of the world I took authority over the plans of the enemy of our souls, of theirs, and cast them down in Jesus powerful Name, Name above all Names. That the plans of the enemy be thwarted and turned upon the enemy. I spoke confusion to the camp of the enemy. And the plans of Almighty God for their lives and the lives of my family be protected and go forth in Jesus powerful Name. I prayed with a vengeance in the spirit (tongues) until peace came over me and I knew it was done.

Then in a phone call I knew the plans of God were going forth and the plans of the enemy were crushed under the feet of Jesus. The battle is not over but victory is in the air. And as long as I have breath I will pray and believe because I know that I know there is power in the Name of Jesus Christ.

I used to whine and cry for my loved ones with no power, no results. Just defeated. Then I asked the Lord how to pray as to make a difference and He showed me. And I humbly thank Him and Praise Him.

He has given us, through His Name, to do mighty works. I do suggest that those who pray like this be walking uprightly with God. If not, ask Him to give you a passion to hate any sin in you. And to repent.
~~~~~
2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Eph. 6:12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
~~~~~
The one and only reason I am posting this is that maybe if just one person the Holy Spirit would use this to help them it is worth it.

And now I am not bitter nor angry - just prayerful.

To God be the glory for He is so worthy. In the Name of Jesus Christ we pray. Amen and Amen

Thank you all for sharing your mind on this matter, it's something deeply affecting me right now between me and my mother and my father. I want to love and obey and honor them, asking for forgiveness for my disobedience and let go of all my bitterness.

Here's a video that may help: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4kldhcJMiQ

Christ has forgiven us our debts; may His grace give us the strength to forgive others of their debts against us.

Bless you for your honesty Elowel.....I am praying God will give you victory in your life. I know that most Christians will deal with this issue at one time or other - that is part of the reason I started the thread.....Scripture is clear that unless we forgive others, God does not forgive us. It is VERY very hard! I look forward to the video when I have time. May God give you the strength and wisdom to do what is right in His eyes, and be glorified in your life...