mguldner,
I was thhinking about sending a private message but maybe it would help some other searching soul if posted here.
I actually struggle with the same things you do.
I started listening to sermons on revival about two years ago. That was eye openning because I discovered that what I possessed may not be actual salvation. I loved Jesus with all my heart, and even suffered for Him, but I have never actually come to the point where I saw Him in my soul hanging on the cross for my personal sins. I have never had a conviction of sin as described in those accounts I have never come to a point where I felt condemned by God and hanging as it were by a spiders thread ready to fall in everlasting tourment.
I know that every person has a unique experience of salvation but i truly think that there aught to be a common theme when one is confronted with the holiness of God.
So, I went on my search for these missing essential elements. I asked God to save me if I was not saved. and if I was, to save me some more, to the utter most.
I knew there were things in me that were not saved, insensitivities, lack of zeal, lack of fervent prayer, lack of love and concern for the lost, selfeshness,...and the list goes on.
I knew that God saves from these things and If I in my sinful state did not like them, then God must hate and abhore them as much as He is holier, and righteous than I.
Why then was He silent? Why was He not confronting me and demanding that I would repent?
Was I getting closer to that dividing line that marks the difference between the destiny of mankind to glory or dispair, where eveything is at ease until that day of great surprises when we will face the Lord.
As I began to pray, God began to show me things I didn't realise I did. A promise I made to him 16 years ago when I wasn't even saved , but I went to a church and lit some candles and promised God if He answered my prayers on a certain matter, i will give Him my life. He did answer, but I completely forgot about that promise.
He began to show me things I didn't know about myself, sins I thought I had victory over, only they manifested themselves in other forms bacause the root was still there.
I had never known that salvation cost so much. The moment my knees hit the floor now tears of gratitude of God's mercy and remorse of my short comings starts flowing that can go on for hours at a time.
The other day I went shopping in Walmart and insisted on a certain color on the bed comforter that I really liked. I got what I wanted, but when I got home I felt aweful like the most wreched sinner and rightfully so. We think sin is committing the big things, but sin is any area in us that is not fully surrenderd to the Lordship of Christ.
I am still on my journey, but just wanted you to know that sometimes we can be blinded and God will let us go on in our blindness until we stop everything we are doing and say: Something is wrong! I am living as if I am god. Yes I claim His name and pray, I give to the poor and go to church, I submit to His Word in the most part. But only until we ask God to reveal to us how He sees us for who we really are, we can go on to the point of no return.
Some have already passed that point to a dead conscience in the name of grace. They say: Yes, I am living in sin, but praise be to God for seeing me through the finished work of Christ. I am covered in his righteouness. I am under grace and not under the law. As they sleep on their beds of adultery thinking that every time God is trying to see what they are doing, His holy eyes sees them covered with the blanket of the blood of Jesus, and therefore, His wrath is subsided.
I believe God is working with you, because you are aware of of your sin, but friend, this is only the beginning.
Tell God that you are not satisfied with where you are at. you want to go deeper, you want Him to point out to you actuall sins to repent of and forsake, and be forgiven in the blood of His dear Son. You will be amazed what He will reveal to you. But do not be afraid, He will never reveal anything to you that He is not willing to forgive. God does not reveal our sins to us because He enjoys to condemn us but because He wants to be our Father,He wants to have a relationship with us that is not hindered by sin. But God is Holy, and stubborn. He will never lower His standards for any one including Jesus himself, who although He was a Son, learned obedience by the things which He suffered, Gird yourself, therefore, with this same mind, which was also in Christ.
The seal of salvation is to be filled with the Holy Spirit. This is something you can not miss, you will know when you have it. Even if you know for sure that you are saved but you are not filled with the Holy Spirit, you have reasons to think that your salvation is not complete. The Holy Spirit is Jesus Himself living in us. If we can do nothing without Him, then how can we live our salvation without being filled with the Holy Spirit.
God Bless you Matt. You have a truly humble spirit. There are many praying for you including me. I need yor prayers also. Pary that God would give me a heart that loves him above all, free from the lust of this world.
