Hi all,
I'm in need of some kind of directions or suggestions.
Here is my story:
I've been a church goer since the age of 9, where I went along to the local Pente. Church because it was a family that I never had. I got baptized because it was the thing to do, and I served and was a good member but had no clue about where I stood in relation to God and eternity.
Fast forward 10 years later, and I left home and moved in with some fellow young Christians. I went along to their church, and promptly encountered God and finally got washed and received the inner witness and assurance. I was healed of emotional hurts from my childhood, I started excelling in everything I did and got numerous promotions at work (was youngest and newest in my office, but the favour was unbelieveable). I was also healed of a recurring collapsed lung; my point is that I was in a place where the life of God was everywhere, I had the Holy Ghost like crazy, and I would encounter miracles very often. It was definitely the fulfillment of 3 prophecies I had as a young kid.
Now I want to further expound on this church I was a part of; The pastor is fairly well-known in certain circles, and the church was aligned with the likes of Benny Hinn, Jesus Culture, etc etc. Pretty much the newly emerging 'holy ghost rollers' with great emphasis on physical healing. The church is mostly extremely exuberant and 'know-it-all' under 30's.
I somehow came across Ravenhill, Tozer, Reidhead, and many others, and was hungry for so much of those sermons. I brought old books and devoured them, even purchasing a $300 copy of a John Wesley Redfield biography from the USA. At this stage I was growing very fast, and felt this path of teaching was God-inspired. However, I was the only one in the church using this material.
Basically what happened was, the church would jump from one currently popular anointed christian worship leader/group, and I would struggle to keep up with the culture and feel condemned. There was a definite anointing and much movement of the spirit, but I didn't really want to be moving here or there for the latest global movement. Some of my peers and leaders were making comments about how I should do this, or do that, or less of that, or don't do that. So many conflicting pressures, and I was eventually labelled as rebellious. All this lead to much hurt, anger and honestly, bitterness toward a few people.
I stopped attending because my spiritual life and walk with God just fell apart, and I was having to see a psychiatrist for a few months. I took a break to figure out who I am and to reflect. I prayed, and released those who I felt hurt me. During this time I totally shut myself off from the church, because anyone trying to contact me would bring up a terrible sorrow of the 'death' of my faith.
My dilemma is that I want to be right with God, however since I left the church He has totally gone silent (with exception for a few touches from the Spirit) and my appetite for anything spiritual is virtually nil. I can't pretend that He isn't who He is, and I know that I am to serve in some capacity in the future. I used to wake up in the mornings with the warmth of the Holy Spirit on my shoulders (like walking under a heater), and I greatly miss that companionship and rich personal fellowship. I yearn to walk into building again, and just meet with God, with no condemnation from people. I don't want to go back, because I don't want to be part of a 'zealously spiritual expansionist' movement. But I also know there is a correlation between me leaving the church, and the severing of the spirit from my life.