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Should I Marry Someone Because Of Outward Beauty?

S
sermonindex

Dear saints,

In response to the clip by Paul Washer/Tim Conway: I believe this very important subject should be handled with delicacy and in a concise and succinct manner, especially given the current trend of divorce in the U.S. I cannot think of a better book to encourage the young believer before and during a godly courtship then a book written by Glenn Conjurske "Always Ravished with Love: A Treatise on the Nature and Necessity of Romantic Love as the Only Possible Basis for a Good Marriage." See the book at the following link and a quote below:
http://straitegate.com/christianissuesfolder/alwaysravishedwithlove.htm

"God says, ‘‘Rejoice with the wife of thy youth, ... and be thou ravished always with her love.’’ (Prov. 5:18-19). This is not a picture of drudgery or misery, nor a picture of unsatisfied longings, but of complete satisfaction. This is God’s design for marriage.

And not only is this the design of God. It is also the dream of the whole human race. But it is a dream which is too seldom realized. Why is this? I believe one of the main reasons is just this, that you cannot be always ravished with a love which does not exist. I believe that most people who marry in our day are not in love when they marry. They likely never have been in love, and do not know what it is to be in love. They may have some strong romantic or physical desires towards their partner, but those desires are not love. Every man is in love with femininity, and I suppose every woman is in love with masculinity. Such love may give them strong desires towards any and every attractive person of the opposite sex, but it is another thing altogether to be in love with a particular person. And let us be very clear here: love is the only thing which can make a satisfying marriage. And I am not talking about spiritual love, nor about friendship, nor about brother-sister love, but about romantic love. I am talking about the love which can only exist between masculine and feminine souls, and which is based upon the mutual attractions which naturally exist between masculine and feminine natures. That love, I repeat, is the only thing which can secure a satisfying marriage.

But there are some very dangerous doctrines afloat in the church concerning this love. Some hold that it is unnecessary, or transitory, or deceptive, so that it is not worth troubling yourself about it. Others hold that it is some way tainted or polluted, and call it by the debased name of ‘‘lust.’’ What is needed, they say, is divine or spiritual love. Others teach that ‘‘love is a choice,’’ or ‘‘love is a decision,’’ and that any man may thus love any woman, if he simply chooses to do so----and whenever he chooses to do so. If he does not love her today, he may choose to do so tomorrow. Others teach that this love is to be experienced only after marriage----that it is impossible, or that it is wrong, to feel or possess it before marriage.

Now I am bold to say that all of these doctrines are false, and not only false, but very pernicious, for wherever these doctrines are believed and acted upon they will fill the world with unhappy and unsatisfying marriages..."

"I repeat, then, when I speak of close contact, I do not refer to physical contact. Love is not secured by physical contact. Love is not a union of bodies, but a union of souls. The union of male and female bodies you may have without one molecule of love. The one thing absolutely necessary to fall in love is to know the soul of your partner. The soul is the real self----the personality----the unique individuality. Man is a soul, who has a body, and has a spirit. All three are of immense importance in marriage, but the soul is supreme. I now proceed to examine in detail the place of each. I begin with the soul. You are a soul, and when you fall in love, you do not fall in love with a body, but with a soul----with a person. Mutual love is a union of souls, or personalities.

Romantic love consists of feelings of attraction and delight between persons of the opposite sex, feelings which are based upon their difference in sex, feelings which they cannot feel towards a person of the same sex. Every human being is like a magnet, having within itself a power of attraction, and around itself an aura of attraction, capable of drawing to itself the opposite pole of another magnet. When two such opposite magnetic poles come close enough together, each exerts its own drawing power upon the other, until they are drawn together and united as one, held together by nothing other than the powers of attraction which by nature lie within themselves. This is how people fall in love." (Conjurske, 2001).

J
jimp

hi, dear sold out, there were no love marriages in the bible for all marriages were arranged as they are in the east till this time. a wonderful movie or play is fiddler on the roof... the story is all about your question and about the tradition of the jewish people. as a very old man , i see love as something that you can choose to do.jimp

S
Sree


But there are some very dangerous doctrines afloat in the church concerning this love. Some hold that it is unnecessary, or transitory, or deceptive, so that it is not worth troubling yourself about it. Others hold that it is some way tainted or polluted, and call it by the debased name of ‘‘lust.’’ What is needed, they say, is divine or spiritual love.

Dear Poster,

Divine love is not a fault doctine.
Romantic love that is described by you, no matter whatever attraction it is, it can NEVER sustain a marriage. Some unbelievers have an externally successful marriage based on the romantic love alone that you have described. But am sure it is only external success, internally there will be many hidden unfaithful deeds even after marriage.
True purpose of Marriage can be realized between a husband and wife by Divine love alone. A love that connects each other through Christ. Christ should be their bonding. Human love always come with limitations no matter how romantically it is involved.

God's purpose of marriage is not to unite two people who match each other exactly in everything. But to unite people who complement each other to bring perfection. So there will never be 100% agreeing perfect couple in this world who match each other in every aspect. So there will always be differences resulting in disturbance, but when Christ is the bonding factor we do not see the differences but instead appreciate the good thing in other that is lacking in us and accept the lack in others that is present in us. Together we become full.

God's word says nothing is possible by men, which means even loving his wife or sustaining his marriage is not possible by him, but with Jesus by his side everything is possible by him.

Even in my own life, I was seeking the girl whom I know in my Church for more than 2 years and also know her personally. We understand each other very well and I had the true romantic feeling for her as described by you. I started praying for marring her and she did the same. But more I prayed I started getting attracted by other women who tried to be close to me. I felt temptations in this area which I never felt before I started praying for my marriage. I was so confused by this reverse movement, and then I realized the truth. God is breaking me to let me know that even though I have a strong romantic feeling for her, I cannot be a good lover without his power. Once I was broken in this area, everyday I woke up praying that I need his grace to love her with Divine love that never fades, and guess what I immediately overcame all these external temptations that I faced and soon got a word from God for my wedding. Now I am married to the same girl. Still everyday I wake up with this same prayer for his grace to be a faithful husband for her.

S
savedman

I think think there are a few simple steps forthis long journey called marriage what I did was was pray and pray till the lord said go for it you will get an answer. Outward appearance is huge let's be honest but she must be beautiful inward above all else you should make sure you have similar outlooks on life and your walk with God Paul told us not to be partakers with unequally yoked I pray the lord leads you to the right decision as Christians we're failing in our marriages God bless you my brother

S
savedman

I think think there are a few simple steps for this long journey called marriage what I did was was pray and pray till the lord said go for it you will get an answer. Outward appearance is huge let's be honest but she must be beautiful inward above all else you should make sure you have similar outlooks on life and your walk with God Paul told us not to be partakers with unequally yoked I pray the lord leads you to the right decision as Christians we're failing in our marriages God bless you my brother

C
ccchhhrrriiisss

If a large rationale behind who you choose to marry is based upon what someone looks like, then you will eventually end up disappointed. After all, the woman that you choose will age. Often rapidly. They will eventually grow old. A woman at 34 doesn't look like she did at 24. And, of course, a woman at 44 doesn't look like she did at 34.

Unfortunately, many people consider outward beauty as a major factor when choosing a spouse. This is true even when they don't say it...and, sometimes, when they don't even realize it.

The average life span of a marriage has shrunk considerably. The greatest number of divorces take place within the first three years...or at around the 10-12 year mark. There have even been books written about "the ten year itch."

Why ten years? This is often the span by which a spouse notices two things: 1.) The financial and social direction of the family unit; and, 2.) The change in the spouse's physical appearance.

I saw a poll about how many men have either cheated with another woman and/or how many have begun viewing pornography (cheating in the heart/mind) and the numbers are shocking. While it isn't generally "acceptable behavior" (despite what the media has tried to convey), there is something to be said about the link between a large number of men who "love" with the eyes more than the heart.

I am always thankful that my dad gave me some great advice. He told me, "Don't marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without."

The Scripture is clear that "beauty fades" (Proverbs 31:30-31). It is inevitable in this corruptible world. If a large portion of your motivation for marriage is based upon temporary beauty, then the marriage is based upon corruptible "sinking sand" (or sagging skin).

Now, I am not saying that you can't be attracted to your wife. I love my wife. I love what she looks like. However, my attraction for her is based on far more than just her appearance. She is lovely...and even takes efforts to remain that way. She takes care of her skin, weight, etc... However, I am attracted to her when she is not at her physical best. I love waking up next to her. I love her when she is under the weather. Why? My love is not based upon the fleeting appearance of our youth.

I had a professor friend when I was an undergraduate student. He knew that I was a Christian and held me in high esteem. One day, he asked me to help him with an issue. He was undergoing surgery and needed someone to help him out. He asked me to stay with him for a few days. I agreed. I found out that he was "getting work done."

Why?

He explained that he had divorced his Christian wife years ago. He had cheated on her. After going from young woman to young woman, he eventually began living with a young graduate student (who happened to be younger than his own children). He proposed to her during a trip overseas (a gift for her graduation) and she accepted. A few months later, he flew to attend his son's graduation from law school. Upon his return, he found out that this girl had been cheating on him with a young man. She decided to move in with the young man.

At this point, this professor was desperate to "get her back." He had a liposuction, skin rejuvenation, hair plugs and other things done to improve his appearance. He spent many thousands of dollars on this. It didn't work. While his waist size went from 42 to a 34 and some of his wrinkles disappeared, the girl never returned.

One day, I was assisting with an event at the university for which he was an event administrator. He asked me to go to the store with him. He told me, "I should have never divorced my wife. I don't know what I was thinking." He went on, "She [my wife] was getting older. After she gave birth to our children, she didn't look like she did when we were married. So, my eyes strayed to young women who looked like my wife just before we were married." I was surprised by his candor. He told me that neither wife -- nor the girl that he had lived with for two years -- would ever take him back. "I ruined my life," he confided.

Then, he surprised me. He offered me advice. He said, "A man is not supposed to be with a much younger woman. It will never work out. A man must also not base his love for his wife on what she looks like. If he does, his love will fade with her appearance." He went on, "Make sure that you truly love her before you decide to marry her."

His advice sort of reminded me of the retrospective advice of old King Solomon in Song of Solomon. He had royally messed up the end of his life. He was likely to live with that regret for the rest of his life.

Anyway, I apologize for the length of my post. However, I would urge any young man or young woman to avoid the same mistakes by so many people in this world. Don't ruin your life or old age by marrying a woman based largely upon her appearance. Rather, let God LEAD YOU to the right decision about a person. Otherwise, your heart, mind and eyes might stray -- even if you think that you "love" your wife.

Those temptations -- young women, pornography, etc... -- will never go away. They are always waiting at the door. So, you must be spiritually, mentally and thoughtfully fortified so that you are unreachable by their arrows.

You will never regret marrying the right person...for whom your love is sincerely and completely based. It prevents me from ever considering to stray. Last year, I bought a magnet for my wife and placed it on our refrigerator. It was from an old Robert Browning poem (not very spiritual, I know): "Grow old with me! The best is yet to be." By God's grace, I look forward to growing old with my wife.

L
Lysa


Soldout2Him,

Derek Prince married two women because the Lord told him both times who to marry. And on the second time, it was the Lord who told him to marry Ruth, a divorced woman. There are many who question that decision but her divorce was biblical and he did not commit adultery by marrying her; instead he obeyed the Lord and his ministry was blessed beyond measure!

I do not know if he was ‘attracted’ to these women as the world counts ‘attractiveness,’ but he had a relationship with the Lord that He actually trusted the Lord to make these decisions (over himself making them)! Imagine that!

He wrote a book, “God is a Matchmaker: Seven Biblical Principles for Finding Your Mate.” http://www.amazon.com/God-Matchmaker-Biblical-Principles-Finding/dp/0800795032/ref=sr_1_12?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323193517&sr=1-12

God bless you,
Lisa

S
sermonindex

Dear Sree,

You obviously have not read the whole book which is found at the link I attached. Glenn was a goldy man, had a godly marriage and a godly wife. Please take the time to read the book before you pass judgement.

Kind regards.

"Words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious, while the lips of a fool consume him; the beginning of his talking is folly and the end of it is wicked madness" (Ecclesiates 10:12-13).

S
Sree

Dear poster,


Please take the time to read the book before you pass judgement.

I never judged you. I shared my life experience (testimony) as an example that the need for divine love in marriage is not fault doctrine. No matter what any man says, I will believe what God showed me, by Human love a man cannot sustain marriage in a Godly way.

S
sermonindex

Dear Sree,

I did not say you were judging me, I was referring to the book and asking you to give the author a chance to state his whole case without taking a few paragraphs or sentences out of context while assuming you understood his reasoning. Further, he did not say that the need for divine love in marriage is false doctrine, that would be false doctrine. Again, please read the whole book and I hope it will bless you as it has blessed my wife and me.

Love in Christ's name.

M
MaryJane

Sree

You wrote: Romantic love that is described by you, no matter whatever attraction it is, it can NEVER sustain a marriage.

____

I agree completely with what you said. Romantic love, especially the kind that the world attempts to force on everyone will never be enough to keep two people together. Marriage must be both parties submitting their lives to Jesus or there will be great difficulties, pain, and in many cases divorce. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you Sree for your post and sharing your testimony. I found it very encouraging.

I also agree with what another poster said, physical outward appearance will not last. The body ages and peoples appearance change, if that is the only thing that a husband is attracted to in his wife then I feel so sorry for the wife. Child bearing alone changes a women's appearance and not getting any sleep for days on end while baby is teething does not help either (smile)

God Bless you family
mj

S
sermonindex

Since the question is regarding marriage and beauty, the answer is obvious, no.

If that is the reason for marrying someone because of how good looking they are, it's not a good recipe for marriage.

Beauty definitely plays it's part in the whole scheme of things, but there has to be a connection that bonds you together that causes you to want to marry.

If you can't stand to be without her and she without you,, it's a good indication that the chemistry is working.

I mean lets face it, if she talks your ear off and is loud and obnoxious, you'll be looking for ways to work late or make excuses to get out of date, even though she is gorgeous, be prepared for a marriage of agony.

A good example is my sister. She is knock out gorgeous, kindhearted, loving, sincere, and giving, everything that a man could want. But oh does she know how to talk. Talk your ear off if she could, and she'll dig and dig trying to get at answers that a man don't have, but she'll dig anyway. She's a divorcee.

G
ginnyrose

QUOTE:
"physical outward appearance will not last. The body ages and peoples appearance change, if that is the only thing that a husband is attracted to in his wife then I feel so sorry for the wife. Child bearing alone changes a women's appearance and not getting any sleep for days on end while baby is teething does not help either (smile)"

:-)

Physical beauty is nice, whether it be feminine or masculine. But it does not endure unless your perception of beauty changes with your physical changes.

In reading the OP and the comments that follow, I suspect most are saying the same thing, just wording it differently. Love between a man and a woman is very mysterious. Perhaps that is why there is such a diversity of opinion concerning it?

(Chris, that professor of yours got smart too late, poor guy. But his perception was spot on, IMHO. Thanks for sharing that story.)

Just my thoughts...

J
Joyful_Heart


Marry for one reason and only one. That is if the Holy Spirit is leading you to marry and to the person He is leading you to. Easy enough. With obedience all will fall into place and you will be blessed.

Seek Him first and His Kingdom first....

E
ET101

Soldout2Him; Thank you so much for the link to the book. I just finished reading it and I feel especially blessed. After praying about marriage, I sensed that God had led me to prepare - and this book comes in very good time.

Thank you!

S
sermonindex

ET101: I am very glad it helped you, that was my intention in posting it. I have never read a book on marriage like Conjurske's and I hope someone will pick up the copyright someday and get it back on the book shelves.

May the Lord Himself guide you by His Holy Spirit into all truth and fill you with all spiritual wisdom, discernment and understanding as you seek His will regarding the lifelong commitment of marriage.

In Christ's name,

Kenneth Martin

O
OnwardUpward

Thank you for the book. I was just concerned about the order. This guy says it's soul, spirit and body.
I read Zac Poonen's "Love, sex and marriage". In that he mentions that the order to go about when considering a life partner is spirit, soul and body.

S
sermonindex

Hello OnwardUpward,

I think I get your point and I agree. However, notice that the author makes each the spirit and soul and body of an equal importance and harmony/oneness is the aim not order. You must have each of the three in common to have a successful marriage. Just as the scripture states: "Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Thess. 5:23). I believe the way he defines the importance of the terms and their connection in marriage achieved the desired effect on the reader especially through the words and their meanings. :)

I have not heard Zac's message on "Love, sex and marriage", but he is one of my favorite preachers so I will check it out sometime. Thanks.

Kind regards and God Bless You,

Kenneth Martin

O
OnwardUpward

Dear soldout2him,

I think I get your point and I agree :) And what a glorious verse that is!
Btw, "Sex, love and marriage" is a book by Mr.Zac (and not a sermon). Below is the link.

http://www.cfcindia.com/web/mainpages/book_window.php?book=sex_love_and_marriage

Thanks.

S
savannah


Go here young man...

http://illbehonest.com/Choosing-a-Wife-Beauty-is-Vain-Tim-Conway

Proverbs 31:30 Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

S
sermonindex

Hello Savannah,

I hope you enjoyed the book I posted. By posting the link to Conjurke's book it was my intention to respond to Tim Conway's comments and thoughts on "Choosing a Wife for Beauty is Vain." Also, it was my intent to edify the Body of Christ and to encourage the saints to walk blamelessly in all areas of their lives while glorifying God.

I am married to a beautiful godly woman :) If it was not for Conjurske's book I do not know if I would be as happy in my marriage as I am right now. There is godly wisdom in a multitude of counselors.

1. Spiritual connection: We are both born again and have similar views of theology, doctrine, and the purposes of God for our lives.
2. Soul connection: We both have an emotional and intellectual connection as the book describes in more detail.
3. Body: She is the most beautiful woman in the whole world and I am the most handsome for her.
4. Christ: with Christ in the center and by the power of His Holy Spirit we are together learning from Him to be one as the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are One, so that we might shine our light before men so that they will see our good works and glorify our Father in heaven. Our boast is not in what we have done, "may it never be that we would boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to us, and us to the world."

Sincerely in Christ's name,

Kenneth and Bia Martin

N
notlongnow

I have to disagree strongly with the original post. Marriages are not based on romantic love. Romance may come and go, but it is transitory and usually long gone after the intial stages of a marriage. Romance is an illusion. It is true biblical marriages were arranged and this was good to God. Statistically, arranged marriages today outlast most other marriages. What I am saying is that a marriage that lasts is based on committment and a decision to love our spouse every day till we die. There are untold marriages where 'christian' spouses declare they want a divorce because the 'attraction' has gone, or there is no 'chemistry'. It is a disgrace that professing christians have denigrated themselves to the shallow, vein, cruel standards of the world. I wholeheartedly agree with Paul Washers preaching in this video

http://illbehonest.com/Should-I-Marry-Someone-Because-of-Outward-Beauty-Paul-Washer


Praise the Lord, that Paul Washer and Tim Conway are preaching the truth on this matter.

You can marry the most beautiful or handsome person you can find, but any number of things can happen, they could lose a vital body part to cancer, (even lose the ability to physially intimate), they could be physically disfigured, they could have a stroke, they could become wheelchair bound, they could be brain damaged. These are all realities, and 'romantic' love would not bear any of these scenarios for too long.

Our Father God does at look at the outward appearance, He looks at the heart, and we must be like Him. Flesh is decaying day by day, but our inward man is being renewed to be more and more like the beautiful Lord. He asks us to love like in 1 Cor 13. I don't believe 1 Cor 13 mentions romantic attraction.

I feel strongly about this because untold marriages, christian and non christian have been torn apart and destroyed over this very issue.

This is a good testimony to read regarding how the Lord leads us to a marriage partner if we will wait for His Will, timing and wisdom and what is important to the Lord, and should be to us, in who and why we marry:

http://goo.gl/otO0S

(It is from Elisabeth Elliot's book, Quest for Love. Chapter 3.)

Please note in this testimony that the missionary Fred Malir fell in love with Jesus in his future Wife. He gave up an intial 'romantic' 'love' when he was younger and never lived to regret it. To quote Fred Malir: " “Caveat emptor— Buyers Beware! ... Marriage is a serious business. Why not consult with the Chief Inspector Himself ?"

In Christ's love.

N
notlongnow

p.s please forgive me for posting my reply in the wrong place initally. Just getting the hang of this.

Also I belive if my memory serves me correctly that Fred Malir's own account of his marriage testimony is in his book:

'Joy!: Enjoy being at least 1000 times happier'
by Fred Malir (Author)

There are some copies on Amazon.
God bless you.

S
sermonindex

Dear Notlongnow,

Wow, you know Fred and Ann Malir? They have both been friends of mine for years. They are in their 80's now and have a godly marriage. I would love to hear their stance on a godly marriage, the purpose of Conjurske's book and the testimony of their godly marriage. I speak with them over the phone once a month and I will mention this post to them.

I have all of Fred's books and they are marvelous. I wish every Christian could sit down and fellowship with them in their home as my wife and I have had the opportunity to do in times past.

May the Lord bless you and keep you in the love of God,

Kenneth Martin

N
notlongnow

Hello Kenneth,

thanks for the reply.

(I really hope this is posted in the right spot :)I really don't use forums too often and hope this is not off topic, or in the wrong place.)

No, I do not know Fred and Anne Malir personally, but you are very blessed to know them as friends. It is even wonderful just to hear that you know them personally. I only have one of Fred Malir's books but it was very edifying and a great blessing to me. I have read it over and over. (I have had a lot of difficulty trying to track down any other of Fred's books.)

I agree it would be interesting and helpful to hear their views on this topic. They certainly seem to be a truly godly couple with many years of experience in marriage that brings glory to God. The testimony of how the Lord brought them together has helped me so many times in my own walk and is an beautiful example of the Lord's hand in this area of our life, and our lives in general.

God bless you.

G
Giggles

Jimp, what do you make of Jacob and Rachel's story? He seemed to be in love with her, no?

O
OnwardUpward

Friends,

From Scripture we find the below three reasons why God ordained marriage.

1. For companionship (we read that in Genesis)
2. To bring forth Godly offspring (Malachi 2:15)
3. To satisfy our physical desires and escape fornication (1 Cor 7:2)

Other reasons like - being a witness to Christ and a blessing to others is possible for singles also.

So we need to keep the 3 things in mind when we are considering a person for a life partner. And of course, it should be "in the Lord".

Thanks.

S
sermonindex

Dear Notlongnow:

I just spoke with Fred and Ann Malir and they are going to write a testimony of their marriage for me to post on this forum. :)

I believe this might be the Lord, because tomorrow is their 51 year anniversary, December 31st. Wow!!! Also, Fred would love to speak with you, he is 88 years old, but still sharp and full of the Spirit of God. He asked me for your physical address so he can mail you more of his books. Also, he said you could call them or email them. Feel free to email me if you want: soldout2him@hotmail.com

Again, this is really amazing, you coming on this forum and all and mentioning his name. They truly are a blessing to the Body of Christ.

Expect to see their testimony sometime soon.

May the Lord's peace and joy fill your heart.

Love in Christ's name,

Kenneth Martin

N
notlongnow

Dear Kenneth,

wow. That is wonderful news! More than you can imagine. I can't wait to read their marriage testimony and have been praying for them as they write it. It makes it all the more beautiful and timely, that it was their 51st Wedding anniversary on the 31st of December! It surely was the Lord.

I will send you an email today.

In Christ.

S
sermonindex

It might be a couple of weeks or so before we hear from them, they have been busy.

I sent them Conjurske's book, Fred said he was interested in reading it. Hope to hear something from them soon. :)

I had a few saints email me for more information on Fred and his books. I forwarded their information to them as well.

God Bless,

Kenneth

A
ArtB

In response to your question - Should I Marry Someone Because Of Outward Beauty?

My answer is that your being attractive to a female because of her outward beauty is a good start when considering marriage.

What is the alternative? Marrying a female because you see her as being outwardly ugly. Such a marriage will suffer because a wife needs to know that you find her physically very attractive. And she will know whether you find her physically attractive, or not.

Perhaps what you really mean is that in addition to the fact you find her to be physically attractive, you wish to have a wife with many other good qualities; such as those mentioned in proverbs 31: 10-31.

But she very much needs from you, among other things, is your lasting love and that your physical desire is for her, that you genuinely find her physically attractive more than any other female.

And you will need her respect and her desire for you.

And I do like the concept of 'union of souls' in your post, the two becomes one.

S
sermonindex

Dear ArtB,

Thank you for the comments and please take the time to read my original post and the book attached, I believe it will bless you. The book is my answer to the question. Please find below an excerpt on a godly woman's need for security in marriage.

Every time I think about the relationship between the husband and wife in marriage I usually think about our relationship with Christ and the Church. We love Him because He first loved us, He laid down His life for us, He washes us and gives us a clean heart and a clear conscience, He gives us eternal life, He gives us Himself, and He forever intercedes on our behalf. What a love story!!! But it takes two in the marriage to make it work. There are many more verses to quote, but are we as husbands loving our wife as Christ did the church? If not, then we must be broken and come to the end of ourselves and allow Christ to rule and reign in our hearts. Apart from Him we can do nothing.

"And I must mention here that one of the woman’s deepest needs is for security, and every real or imagined defect in herself, especially every physical defect, tends to make her insecure. She goes about to remedy her supposed defects with clothes and cosmetics and curlers and diets and exercises and who knows what, and yet her insecurity remains. The only thing which can totally remove that insecurity is a man’s love, and a man who is in love with her can give her such security that she can bask in it, swim in it, sink in it, forget even that she has any need for it and all this while all of her defects remain.

A woman must have a man’s whole heart, or she will be continually tormented with insecurities, or with jealousies, or with vague and undefined longings for things which she needs but does not fully understand. How, then, can you know that a man is in love with you? I believe that the best test of this lies simply in his ability to make you secure to make you secure in his love, secure in your acceptance with him, secure in the certainty that you are the fulfillment of all his dreams, secure in the certainty of his absolute satisfaction with all that you are to leave no doubt in your mind that you do absolutely ravish and satisfy his heart. You must know that he is absolutely satisfied with you that you are the only woman he wants or can want. A man who can give you this certainty and this security is in love with you unless he is a very good liar, or you are very naive and shallow, which may very well be the case if you are young and inexperienced. But if you are experienced and thoughtful enough to know and understand your own need for this security, and you find a man of sterling worth and integrity who can completely meet that need, you may be confident that that man is in love with you. Any man who cannot meet that need is not in love with you, and to marry such a man is to consign yourself to unfulfilled longings for the rest of your days" (Conjurske).

May the LORD bless you and protect you,

Kenneth Martin

M
MrBillPro

ArtB.....In response to your question - Should I Marry Someone Because Of Outward Beauty?

My answer is that your being attractive to a female because of her outward beauty is a good start when considering marriage.

Art, I totally agree with you, there has to be an attraction of some kind to begin with. Some folks may be attracted to someone that is not a model, but has a wonderful personality. I am single now after a 38 year marriage, and I can tell you from my personal experience, my wife gained a lot of weight and yes it bother me, but I was willing to hang in there and pray that she could/would lose some weight.

She become so obsessed with her weight that she could not loose, it become a mental thing with her, she become depressed and then went out and filed for divorce. Art, I am in good shape for a 60 year old man, I try my best to take care of myself, and have a small exercise program. I will say this, the woman I might be looking for does not have to be a Miss America, but she will need to show a desire to take care of herself, in her physical body.

I have seen up close and personal, when two people have different ideas on taking care of their physical bodies. My wife did loose weight and she looked really nice about 4 years before the divorce, but she just let food overcome her, and gained back more than she lost. Again, I wanted to stick it out, I felt she would regain the desire to lose weight again, but instead she become depressed and basically lost her mind on the meds.

A
ArtB

[quote: soldout2him]

Dear ArtB,

Thank you for the comments and please take the time to read my original post and the book attached, I believe it will bless you. The book is my answer to the question. Please find below an excerpt on a godly woman's need for security in marriage.

[quote/]

From what you quoted, it appears to be a good book.

I've always felt that Churches ought to have in-depth marriage seminars for single older teens and young adults, using materials such as the book you referenced, or 'What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women' by James C. Dobson, etc..

A
ArtB

Dear MrBillPro,

I'm not in your shoes, so I will not judge your situation.

I'll share a little about my me and wife. We took two vacations every year to places like Barbados, Pheonix, Portland Or., Disney World (many times), Hawaii, Australia (where she was born in Brisbane), Bermuda, and every summer we went to the Christian resort called 'Camp of the woods' for a dozen or so years'.

My wife gave birth to my two boys and daughter. Each time she had a child, her weight went up significantly. She is no longer has the physical beauty as when we got married. We no longer take vacations because we are now poor, I had a stroke 7 years ago that left me mentally handicap and unemployable. Her desire for me has waned considerably well before the stroke, we have not had sex in over ten years. Yet, she is the mother of my children, she still cooks nice meals for me and our offspring, and my love for her remains unconditional. I help her with this and with that which she does appreciate, I conduct myself respectfully. I'll finish the race and look forward to what God has prepared for me.

And I ask no one to be like me. Everyone must walk with God as the Lord leads them.

I share many views expressed by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart:

"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius."

"It is a great consolation for me to remember that the Lord, to whom I had drawn near in humble and child-like faith, has suffered and died for me, and that He will look on me in love and compassion."

"As death, when we come to consider it closely, is the true goal of our existence . . . I thank my God for graciously granting me the opportunity of learning that death is the key which unlocks the door to our true happiness."


S
sermonindex

"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius."


GOD is the genius behind this quote.

Thank you so much for your testimony, Brother. What an encouragement it is and I pray that by you sharing it, that it brought even the more encouragement to yourself and your Godly resolve.

Just shows that we need to keep in mind that we don't know what those who's posts we read are going through and the need to pray for one another should be a much higher priority.

GOD Bless you much, Brother.

A
ArtB

Many Thanks for your kind and thoughtful words. Jesus-is-God, and may our God always truly bless you.

M
MrBillPro

Art, just so we understand each other, "My Wife" had the biggest issue with the weight, I was ok with it, after all we had been married for 38 years. What begin to happen was, she begin to somehow get me to see the weight thing her way, try and convert me to be against it like it was the plague. My only concern for her weight was, that it was very unhealthy, and in a few years as she aged, she was going to have a hard time getting around, as she was already having a hard time at 57. Trust me! I would still be married if she would have not lost her mind on all the "mixed" meds and filed for divorce. I do understand, depression, kids, food etc. can be the blame for weight gain, but if your will to loose is strong enough, you can loose it, my wife proved that at one point. Bottom line is, a healthy body encourages any relationship, and unless your are suffering from a disease or illness, there is no excuse.

A
ArtB

Thanks for sharing this, but I did mean what I said about not judging your situation. It would be impossible for me to do that. And I do agree with you, we ought to take care of our physical, mental, and spiritual health.

S
sermonindex

Dear ArtB and MrBillPro:

Thank you both for your openness and honesty in sharing your experiences and testimony.

I desire that God will both teach and use me to be an encouragement to others. Man's words can have little effect to change and encourage the eternal soul, but God's words are spirit and life. "It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing; the words that I (Jesus) have spoken to you are spirit and are life" (John 6:63). It is only as we learn to walk and be led by the Holy Spirit that we can minister Christ and His love to the saints and a lost and dying world.

Today, we can so easily have access to an enormous amount of knowledge through the internet and technology, yet the scriptures warn us that knowledge puffs up, but love builds up (1 Cor. 8:1). Knowing about Jesus intellectually and actually knowing Him intimately as a person who we have daily fellowship are two different realities. In the same way I can only come to know my wife by sharing intimate times with her which are full of openness, honesty, forgiveness, sacrifice, and love.

May God truly rise up a people in our generation that will be real and full of eternal life. May we testify that: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor” (John 6:63). And may both the church and the world know that we are His children not because we say we are "Christian," but because of the Spirit of God remaining upon us: "I did not recognize Him, but He who sent me to baptize in water said to me, 'He upon whom you see the Spirit descending and remaining upon Him, this is the One who baptizes in the Holy Spirit'" (John 1:33).

Thank you both again for being real and encouraging us.

Love in Christ's name,

Kenneth and Bia Martin

A
ArtB

soldout2him, Ken or Bia, I read and truly appreciate all that you shared in your post directly above.

May God richly bless the Martins!

ArtB

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