UNLOVED AND LONELY WIFE

A very difficult subject, very grievous indeed; perhaps this will be misunderstood as coming from a man but I feel led to share some thoughts after reading this;

Perhaps there is a "reason" to leave but is there a "right" to do so when God's grace is available to His child?

May I suggest a reading of Amy Carmicheal's book Mimosa?
Here is a prayer from Mimosa;

Mimosa went out to pray: "O God, my husband has deceived me, his brother has deceived me, even my mother has deceived me, but You will not deceive me…Yes, they have all deceived me, but I am not offended with you. Whatever You do is good. What should I do without you? You are the Giver of health and strength and will to work. Are not these things better than riches or people’s help?….I am an emptiness for You to fill.”

In Christ,

Ron

It is a grievous thing indeed to be married to the enemy. The only way through is to set your eyes and your heart fully upon Jesus. To turn to Him with every hurt and sorrow. To learn that He can shield and protect you in every situation. While we may not ever have a right marriage here on earth, we have been assured that we will have one in heaven. Jesus will never leave you or forsake you.

Call upon Him now. Ask Him to wrap you in the wings of His love as He carries you through. Put all of your trust in Him.

Soulwon,

I am curious - are you writing about yourself, or was this article penned by someone else?

In any case, I think Frank's suggestion is right on. There is no one size-fits-all solution to this issue.

Except.

I would not encourage a wife to cover up for her husband. He needs to feel the consequences of his own sin. Covering up can result you being an enabler. I know that when you step aside and allow others to see what is happening too many will blame the wife for his behaviors - too many think a wife is responsible for her husband's behavior but you rarely hear where a husband is accused of of his wife's misbehavior. We all would do well to quit the blaming game - as long as you play it no one is taking responsibility for their actions and no solution is forthcoming. One needs to listen for that still small voice for guidance and do it in these terrible situations.

God bless.

I myself have been married to an unbeliever for over 20 years, we had been married for over 10 years when I became a Christian. Heartsong is right, we can find all that we need in the Lord. He is our all and despite some intense lonliness and sad-ness , He has reigned in our marriage and I have seen the " unbelieving wife sanctified by the believing husband," to such a point most have no idea that she is an unbeliever.

Hello Frank,

My testimony is very much the same as yours concerning marriage, thank you for sharing this and the account of your parents. Praise God for His mercy and love!

In Christ,

Ron

wow what wisdom lesmant, bibilcal wisdom

Greeting soulwon

I will be praying for you. I hope you can read sister Leslie
post to you because its exactly the heart Christ calls
us to have. Her testimony speaks to the opportunity you now
find yourself in. I was moved by her words to you.I pray you find comfort in her words and know Jesus loves you and your husband so much and longs to draw you close to Him. Having struggled for years myself I know how difficult it can be to love another but I encourage you to keep your eyes on Jesus and His love will break through the sorrow and pain.
After many years both my husband and I have come so far and
its only by His strength we have made it here and are able to continue on.

God bless you
Maryjane

Greetings Soulwon

Your story is similar to my own,in that I was 16 when I got pregnant and then married my husband. We were both so young, selfish and immature that we played right into the enemies hands and after fifteen years of marriage things came to head. I was pregnant with my fifth child and my husband just walked away. I was very ill and it was easy to see myself as the victim in that situation. For years I had been building up anger, bitterness and resentment toward my husband. For years I had given room to the enemy in my life to twist what ever love I had into bitterness and self justification. It wasn't until after my son was born that two very strong believers in CHRIST came to stay with me and help me. I had given birth prematurely to my son, then two days later they did gall bladder surgery while I was still in the hospital. It was a difficult time. I remember crying so hard and then this sister spoke to me about love, not the silly romantic fluff the world promotes, but really loving another person. I was stunned here I was in this terrible situation, and she was laying some of the sin of a failed marriage at my door. I couldn't believe it...but then GOD got a hold of my heart and the more I saw of myself the more I realized that it wasn't all my husbands fault. He was just as lost as I was. He was just as deceived as I had been. So I took my eyes off of me and put them on JESUS for the first time. I began to pray for my husband in a way I never had before. I began to love him as I never had before and GOD began working in our lives. I wanted to see my life change and my husbands life change, but not because I wanted a better family life or to save my marriage. I wanted us both to know HIM and live for HIM because JESUS alone is worthy and I didn't want to give the enemy another victory in my life. It wasn't over night, there were/are still times of ups and downs but so much has changed and I know it all began when I let GOD begin HIS work in my life and stopped looking at what I "thought" needed to be done in my husbands life. I had always thought there was one bad guy in my marriage, imagine my surprise when it turned out, there were two!

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. Just know that in CHRIST "all things are possible." Marriages can be restored even after years of being apart.I know of such testimonies, but what is most important is that those who are lost come to JESUS, those who are in need of HIM find HIM. Those who are in sin repent so that JESUS be lifted up and glorified.

God Bless
maryjane

Greetings soulwon

you shared:I believe for some strange reasonhe he is incapable of loveing, I feel sorry for him.

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I will be praying for your husband to repent and find JESUS and see how much he needs HIM before it is to late. GOD loves him I pray he will see that. The word tells us "All things are possible through CHRIST JESUS" just imagine the rejoicing that will go on in heaven if your husband comes to the LORD.

I am glad you are doing better now, JESUS has a way of touching our hearts and mending them :) HE really is our everything.

God bless you
mj

Thank you for starting this thread soulwon. I really needed to hear this and feel so encouraged by the the many shared testimonies. My marriage has broken down and have been praying for an answer. There has been so much persecution, adulteries and abuse in my marriage. My husband is unsaved and I tried to leave him but the Holy Spirit led me to remain living with my husband. We do not talk anymore just live in the same house. I often speak to him or tell him things but it is all a one sided conversation. It is indeed a painful cross to bear when you live with a emotionally,abusive passive aggressive husband and yet when you pray for a change or his salvation the answer does not come sooner. I once shared on another thread unrepentant adulterer a few years back. Since then he hasn't had any more affairs but the damage to our marriage was done. Like many have shared I find comfort in the Word but of late I have felt discouraged again and am grateful for the reminder that this ongoing trial is a type of a cross and rather than desiring to live my best life now this is the way I can learn to die to self daily. The adulteries taught me the true meaning of forgiving others and have helped changed me and highlight areas that I needed to grow in and bear fruit. Like some have shared my husband will not leave and I giggled at the other testimony were the husband hides in the bedroom when Christian visitors come round, Coz mine does the same!
So grateful and feeling encouraged and do covert your prayers brothers and sisters as we can not endure the onslaught on our marriages from the enemies camp without the grace of God extended daily to our lives

lindi1208 wrote:So grateful and feeling encouraged and do covert your prayers brothers and sisters as we can not endure the onslaught on our marriages from the enemies camp without the grace of God extended daily to our lives

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This is so true, we can not endure apart from CHRIST. I know it is only by HIS grace and mercy that my marriage is in a better place now. I think for me it was so vitally important to realize a few things about myself, and who the real enemy of my marriage was. So many marriages are under attack, the enemy wants to destroy and tear down but GOD is all about, love, forgiveness, and restoration. I give thanks everyday for all that HE does and continues to do in my life and my marriage.

I just wanted to say I will keep you in my prayers as well as your husband too. I know the enemy wants us to get discouraged but in JESUS there is hope!

God bless
maryjane

soulwon,

When I read your response, my first reaction was,"Lord, have mercy!" And I mean it, more so after reading all the responses.

My tendency is to try to figure out why a man would behave like you wrote about. I used to do that a lot until a Presbyterian friend of mine said, "Sandra, it is because of sin." Yes, Madam! Sin. Ugly as the devil. Devil incarnate? Seems like it sometimes. If we try to rationalize abusive behaviors because of some other influences, we are bypassing the solution - the perpetrator has to take ownership of his behaviors before any solution is forthcoming. And it is found at the foot of the Cross of Jesus Christ.

God bless you...will pray for you when the Holy Spirit reminds me.

Sandra

Here is the advice I received from a dear brother in Christ:

"My advice to you is to keep going after God. Your answer, your solace, your shield is in the Word of God. Soak yourself in scripture, discipline your spirit to wait on God's further transforming power in your life. Make no rash move outside of the perfect will of God. If you are unsure of an action, and are experiencing confusion or uncertainty in a certian aspect of your walk (whether it be through the apostasy, lukewarmness and/or worldliness of a church, pastor, etc.), this is a sure sign that you need to wait on God, saturate yourself in scripture, and seek the wisdom of the Holy Spirit to enlighten your spirit. If you humble yourself, and lean not to your own understanding, God will surely meet you in the secret place and give you peace that passes all understanding. Then, when it is time to move on, He will open that door, and you will have no doubt it is of God.

The hardest thing to do is wait. Our minds and spirits detect something is wrong, but this is not enough to effectuate a change. the change must be wrought through God, through seeking Him, and we must never lean to our own understanding in these crisis situations. Look to God, humbly, patiently. Endure the trial; God is testing your heart, to see whether you'll try to remedy the situation on your own, or look to Him for resolve. The human, logical way would be to act impetuously and leave the church, or harbour a harsh feeling of spiritual anger in your heart. Rid yourself of these burdens and commit everything to Christ. Look to Jesus, soak in the Word of God, meditate on His promises, and the Word will be the lamp to light your path.

If you trust this situation to Him, and do these things, you will be victorious and your walk will grow exponentially as a result. Through your maturity and obedience in the Lord, God will begin to change your husband right before your eyes. Let God do and take care of everything - all you need to do is put Him first, acknowledge your utter weakness, and keep yourself unspotted from the world. I hope this bit of humble advice helps!"

It was a very good word and I praise God for my brothers and sisters in Christ.

soulwon,

Your story is tragic....I do not doubt the emotional anguish you feel.

As I read your story there is one question that begs me: have you confessed to God your own sin that contributed to this situation? Your immorality - that which the Bible calls fornication? How about going against better knowledge and marrying the fellow?

We oftentimes lament the consequences of our sin without confessing our role in how we got there. My dear, to find some peace you have to go way back, way back to the beginning and correct what errors/sins were committed there and see where the LORD will lead from there. God cannot restore to us when we have never confessed, repented of our own evil.

Maybe you did this but I did not read it in any of your posts. I know you can easily feel like I am being harsh, but I know that one has to take ownership of your situation and go back to the very beginning and fix/repair what you did wrong. My heart grieves for you - it is no fun to write this but I feel like I must.

God bless you.

Krautfrau- I agree with ginnyrose, now is absolutely the right time to deal with any unrepented of sin. Why would you ever advise someone to do other wise??? Ginnyrose just asked a question and it is a valid one, not meant to be hurtful but rather to point one back toward JESUS.

Soulwon- I am not saying you haven't already repented of the sin of fornication, you have shared with us about your walk so I assume you may have. In my own experience this did not happen for me until I was already married for fifteen years. I guess for a time I thought that since I married my husband we were no longer guilty of having committed the sin of fornication but GOD showed me it doesn't work that way. After HE opened my eyes and heart to see these things I did repent and such burdens were lifted from me. I know it may seem like harsh words coming from Ginnyrose but the truth is having unrepented of sin as a stumbling block between us and the LORD can cause us to struggle and feel distant from HIM as you have also mentioned. You wrote: "But I do suffer like I'm in rebellion and God could not use me again because I'm not with him. How do I get through that."
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Perhaps if you haven't prayed about these things it could be "apart" of the cause you mention, the suffering you are struggling with feeling like you are in rebellion??? I do not know if that is the issue or not but perhaps pray about these things and seek GOD if you feel so led to do so. There is no condemnation when we come to HIM only healing and freedom. I hope you know that these things being shared with you are done in love because of genuine care and desire to encourage you in your walk with the LORD. It is perhaps not the best medium to share with one another but we do as we can...

I will keep praying for you sister
God bless
maryjane

Brenda,

I knew I was running a huge risk in posting what I did: I knew I was running the risk of someone coming along and saying I am being uncaring, unsympathetic. All I had to go by was what was written - to assume otherwise is not wise, even.

Healing cannot ever come unless the core issue is addressed. Too many times moderns address only surface issues without attending to the core, without addressing the cause. Doing so only works to perpetrate the disaster more - no God inspired healing can occur without the contributing issue addressed. You can have behavior modifications, but no lasting regeneration of the heart and soul (emotion). You must also remember soulwon has a husband and he is a human being loved by God - just as much as she is. Let us never, ever forget that. And Brenda, God loves your husband, too - Jesus died for him as well.

I know soulwon laments her decisions and the resultant consequences, but I have not read where there was a confessing of sin...did I miss it? Lamenting bad decisions comes close to confessing and repenting but there needs to be a naming of them to God. Only then can the Holy Spirit come in and do his work.

If I am being called judgmental for insisting that one do things God's way, so be it. We cannot fix the consequences of sin by being humanistic and/or engaging in a flurry of religious activities.

There is hope for soulwon and her husband - looks impossible at this point, but God is still on the throne and he is still in the job of redeeming broken folks.

There is Hope.

And Brenda, I am not into the blaming game, so please do not work to draw me into it.

God bless.

Greeting Ginnyrose

I know and agree with what you are sharing and I thank GOD that there were brothers and sister in my life willing to stand up and share truth with me. I have learned over the years it takes real love to share with others when its not the popular thing to do. Often in times like these we want to bring comfort and soothing and its the exact opposite of what we really need. So I do understand your heart in this. As I said I do not know if soulwon has dealt with this issue of fornication already or not. It took me a long time and the HOLY SPIRIT to really help me see but there were those along the way who were always willing to point me to JESUS and the truth. Of course there will be those who call this being judgmental and I always want to be careful not to come across that way, but I never want to with hold back truth either. To do so is not loving a person it is actually harming them.

It is the internet though and others can misunderstand easily. I pray that won't be the case here, if soulwon has dealt with these things then praise GOD!! If not then I pray HE leads her to do so in HIS timing.

Either way I wanted to say I agree with what you shared with Brenda. GOD does love each of us and no one is past the point of being able to be saved.

God bless
maryjane

by bearmaster on 2014/7/7 6:34:37

I am getting uneasy over some playing Holy Spirit regarding the wisdom being offered to SouOne. The wisdom she repent of sin.

Only the Holy Spirit can convict of sin. Also Jesus said let he that is without sin cast the first stone.

I will agree with Brenda that SoulOne needs healing. Also I will err on the side of mercy that mercy triumphs over judgement.

My thoughts.

Blaine
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Greetings Bear

I do not think anyone here is judging soulwon. It is not playing "HOLY SPIRIT" to share with someone about possible sin in their life. A question was asked and a solution offered. If she herself wrote of being pregnant of marriage, that is fornication and it is sin. I know it sounds strange to some who have not gone through this situation but it is easy to over look that sin especially if you go on to marry the person you were fornicating with. I did so for fifteen years and thought nothing of it. I never looked back to those times before I was married and got specific with GOD about it until a very lovely sister shared some truth with me in love in CHRIST. Through her words a seed was planted and I began to seek GOD on this matter. As I did HE revealed to me that I had not really repented of that sin and that it was still there between HE and I. This sister did not play "HOLY SPIRIT" with me, but she did however faithfully follow the leading of the LORD and point me to JESUS. I give thanks for GOD that HE used that person in my life at that time.

There is mercy and love in sharing with another the truth as well.

God bless
maryjane

Greeting sister

I do not want to make you feel as if I am only talking about you in this thread, instead of to you directly. This is as I said a difficult form of communication. If there were still the ability to private message I would share much there with you but we do as best we can. Praise GOD we can at least encourage one another here :)

I just wanted you to know sis, I love you in CHRIST. I do know you are dealing with things as we all are every day. I will continue to pray for you in all these things. I just wanted to be clear and say, I am not saying one way or another if you have dealt with the sin you were involved in before marriage or not. I assumed like myself you may have, but as I do not know I only encourage you to do as you have been, pray, seek GOD, and walk with HIM. HE will lead you and show you the things you need to see on this journey, but don't be afraid to consider the things shared with you along the way. There have been many times when things are shared with me and I pray over them. The things that are from HIM I hold on to, the things not of HIM a toss aside. Please if anything I have shared with you in this thread is not of HIM and does not sit right with you in your walk toss it aside. However if after prayer anything helps you feel less of a struggle or separation from HIM then praise GOD for its all HIM anyway :)

Sister as an unwed teen mom I can relate I think to many of the things you have shared. I know well the shame and guilt that can weigh on your heart, but we both know JESUS loves us so dearly. I will continue to pray for your family as I have said.

God bless you
maryjane

Greetings soulwon

I know you did not write and share this with me personally but it just touched my heart so. You wrote:I was pregnant. My Ex and his mother wanted me to abort the baby, this of course I would never do, Kill my own child. and I had the greatest gift in the world when my son came we are so close and he loves the Lord and is serving him. .....
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My husband wanted me to abort as well. So did my own dad. It was such an ugly time in my life.I know well how much those words spoken can hurt even if they are not the same exact words...

I think for a very long time my husband saw me as the one who ruined his life, he had opportunities to do amazing things and that got thrown away for him. We really took so much out on each other, selfish living will do that to you though I now realize. For me, when I began to look at the hurt my husband was going through it helped change my heart towards him so much. I was able for the first time to really see my husband as JESUS saw him, someone who was lost and deceived just like I was. I began to pray for him as such, not as my husband, but as a lost soul. It made such a change in me, but then GOD works like that doesn't HE.

I hope as each day passes you will continue to know HIS heart for you. You will continue to see HIS love for you.I just wanted to encourage you, even though it does not always seem like it GOD does hear our prayers. Perhaps one day you will see your ex husband come to JESUS as well. I pray that day will be soon.

God bless
maryjane

I would request such women to read George Muller's won by Conduct article.
http://www.ephrataministries.org/remnant-2011-03-won-by-conduct.a5w

The article posted here from this book states clearly that God hates the evil done by the husband to a believing wife. If God hates so then why can't a women believe that God will do something about it? Is God too small to not do something? I seriously doubt whether the author is a Christian. Reading such books will only worsen once faith towards God.

Again I agree that such situation should be seen case by case and cannot generalize things. I just want to emphasis that God has put around as cloud of witnesses who went through difficult situation and still preserved their testimony for God.

Personally for me as a man the witness I think of is John Wesley. Once a brother went to Wesley's house and he witnessed Wesley's wife hitting him pulling his head by his hair. Wesley never complained to anyone. I believe God finally took that women out of Wesley's life through death. God can do mighty things than what we think.

by Sree on 2014/7/7 20:53:02

I would request such women to read George Muller's won by Conduct article.
http://www.ephrataministries.org/remnant-2011-03-won-by-conduct.a5w
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Thank you for sharing this link with us. I was very moved by the short teaching. It was a very good reminder to myself, that next time I feel I have right to grumble or complain the next time I let the enemy fill my head with thoughts of "I" deserve I will remember what CHRIST has done for me on the cross and seek to be a faithful servant.

Very good seeds, thank you for sharing

God bless
maryjane

Brenda wrote:

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Agreed there are some cases of women attacking their partners, but it usually involves mental illness or drug and alcohol abuse
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Not true.

This is assuming wives would not abuse unless under the influence of some drug or mental illness.

I know whereof I speak.

Brenda, your posts come across that you distrust males. I find this troubling. Don't you see? Every time there is an issue here on SI dealing with male/female issues you come across as one who distrusts males and almost hates them! Don't you see? Please! Where is the self-dying love shown to people who have mistreated you? Or, did you mistreat them and blame it on them? (People do that, you know. If someone is consumed with anger they will hurl insults at you and then tell others you did it to them! I have witnessed it myself.) Please...!

Brenda, do you not see?

I had decided I will not post anymore on this thread, but this post evoked a response. I do not think I will come back to this thread, or read the responses because I do not consider it edifying. If any want to communicate with me my email addy is in my profile.

ginnyrose