I only stumbled upon your post ....by the Hand of God...IF, you and I were a secular milieu, I would have wrote, "i only stumbled upon your post by 'accident'".....BUT, you and i BOTH know, there are NO accidents in the Lord...
for some reason i just clicked onto the thread, and saw 55 posts and was praying/saying, "no no no no, please no more rancor"...and started reading your post, and came to "last but not definitely least....".....and i sit here, in my little eagles nest on a lonely desolate southwestern Wisconsin ridge, and before i clicked on this thread, here's what is happening to me:
i am undergoing such a DEEP purging, such a refiners fire, terrible Holy Ghost conviction, reminders of my own innate Unprofitability, total abhorrence of my flesh.....dare i compare myself, but if you've read "The Life of Brainerd", the first half where he bemoans in the Lord, what am i bemoaning? (Thank God He has NOT stripped me of the Gift of a child like Faith, .......but CONVICTION?...with Holy Spirit intensity just assailing my soul, and my heart)
and then i read what you wrote about my postings, and it was like a hammer to the head, i was LITERALLY dumbstruck, and this is NO HYPERVENTILATING "contrition", it was this thought; God ACTUALLY used ME?...the least of the least to encourage and love you and be with you in the Holy Spirit?
(I've been sitting here for ten or fifteen minutes, dumbstruck, unable to write a word, just weeping)
here's one confession, and i don't mind it is in a public forum. God gave me the gift to be able to speak seamlessly either in front of an audience OR a camera to make money, in a SECULAR venue, he gave me the gift to make people laugh, to cry, to terrify them, or to rivet them, BUT it was ALL DONE in a secular milieu, AND FOR MONEY!!!!
which in itself (tentmaking?) is "okay", but your question (and my conviction) is 14 years later, why haven't i stood in front of the assembly of the saints and spoke the Words of God?......because not only i have i NOT gotten the Call, BUT......I......RUINED.....MY MARRIAGE to the bride of my youth!!!....and then i.....am actually going to "preach"?!?.....i am TOTALLY disqualified, BIBLICALLY from Church leadership, as it should be, as every single Word in Scripture is Fire Etched and TRUE! God have mercy on those who believe otherwise.
can i exhort in public ministry? oh yes, but i haven't gotten the Call, which is why the LORD is passing me thru the fire, or as Evan Roberts prayed, "bend me Lord, bend me!" .....as Our Father IS "bending me" (oh careful of that prayer brethren.....being bent by God is "no fun", but the whole Holy Onus of this Most Holy Faith isn't "having fun", as there is a universe between "having fun" and "Joy in our salvation")
God the Holy Spirit used you my beloved brother Caleb, not thru what the world would call a "compliment", but the realization that in His Steadfast Love and Mercy, EVEN THROUGH my own innate failings in the flesh, He used me to bless YOU, beloved brother, which leaves me both undone and dumbstruck.
please let me give you three "gifts"(?) i pray they ARE gifts.
the first is Duncan Campbell's life testimony, the part where after 17 years in "institutional religion" at 5 AM, his Godly daughter asked him a gentle question, and THAT dear saint was undone:
https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/mydownloads/visit.php?lid=380
the relevant section starts at minute 28:00, although the whole testimony is of Godly profit.
the first sermon i listened to online, was Michael Brown's "Holy Desperation"......what hit me back then, and even today, was Mike speaking of Jacob wrestling with Jesus at the Jabbok River...
https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/mydownloads/visit.php?lid=13222
and finally, Jesus gave me this compilation late one night in 2003, our dear brother Greg so lovingly put it on this website...this is FOR YOU, dear Caleb, its entitled "Hosanna"
https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/mydownloads/visit.php?lid=25483
brother Caleb, God love you, i sure do IN Jesus' love, neil