Authentic Christianity, testimony of a failure

Greetings in Jesus precious name. As a deeply troubled atheist the last place I expected to find help was in the gospel, what I knew of Christianity convinced me that it was a foolish fairy tale but 36 years ago the Lord dramatically saved me Proving his foolishness to be wiser than men and his love to be strongest power on earth.
Since that day I have only had one object, that is to glorify, serve and love Jesus with my whole heart.

I wish I could say my life has reflected this aspiration but it has more closely resembled Isa. 30 and the wretched man that I am section of Romans 7.
I became involved with a cultish charismatic house church that seemed have more zeal than the 'shallow; world loving conventional churches. In reality was narcissism and arrogance masquerading as love and zeal rather than the true spirit of God. I stayed with that fellowship too long and inflicted that same spirit on my wife and children who to this day are alienated from the Lord.
(I do not blame that group, my own sin alone was to blame)
In the end I became totally discouraged despairing and backslidden. In spite of still yearning to serve the Lord
I lived in fear that having turned from him Hebrews 6v6 applied to me.
A Few years ago the Lord started to work again in me and draw me back to himself. I found that when I forgot all my failure and the religious mess that I saw in "The Church" and simply opened my bible the Spirit seemed to burn the words into my heart. In addition to this I began to come across true servants of Jesus on the internet, David Wilkerson, Paris Riedhead, and many others, I cannot say what a blessing this site has been to me in this process, additionally the writings Charles Spurgeon, George Muller, C. H. Mackintosh, Duncan Cambell, Andrew Murray, Corrie Ten Boom, Francis Havergal etc. encouraged me to see again the absolute victory that God won on the cross. These Brothers and sisters have one thing in common, genuine Holy Ghost empowered surrender to the Lord. they had walked straight through the pitfalls and snares that bring so many of us down and proved Christ. If they could, surely I could too as God is no respecter of persons and his strength is made perfect in weakness. Through each of them the Lord has done astonishing things blessing the true church and raising it out of its religious grave clothes. Jesus words "greater works than these shall you do because I go to my Father", are true of these saints. I see this same authentic anointing is manifested across a wide range of different theological traditions showing no respect for the divisions that men divide religion into. Is Christ divided? are we not carnal and speak as men when we do this however sincerely. God will build His church on the rock and Hell can do nothing about it. His Spirit witnesses to His truth.
I long to be like these brethren which I think is scriptural as Paul encouraged people to imitate his faith. In addition to this the Lord has filled my heart with unspeakable joy and a deep yearning to be entirely and exclusively His. I would though appreciate your prayers for my family, my failures led them where they are but I pray Christ in me will restore them to himself.

May the lord richly bless you and thank you so much for the wonderful encouraging content of this site.
Ian

Brother Ian,
You wrote; " Since that day I have only had one object, that is to glorify, serve and love Jesus with my whole heart”

Amen! I believe that is the testimony of most if not all who find this little corner of the internet that the Lord has preserved for His children here on SI and like you this place has been somewhat like an oasis in a desert of worldliness.
While each of our testimonies reflect our own unique experience of the Lords grace at work in our lives they all bear the mark of His spirit and it is in the spirit that we have fellowship 🙏🏻

Over the years people have come and gone with some only passing thru briefly while others pitch their tent near the stream finding a family as it were in the community of believers.

After reading thru your words a few times it’s clear that in spite of the struggles there remains a desire, given of God, to magnify Christ and I believe that is itself sufficient to motivate a person to preserve and pursue righteousness that comes by faith and my prayer is that in these dark days that many will be led here and find nourishment in the repository that Greg has spent his life amassing and preserving 🙏🏻

Has there been a particular sermon the Lord has used in a special way in your life ?

Thanks for your Reply Fletcher and Amen

Many Sermons brother, 'A call to anguish' by D.W. 'Ten shekels and a shirt' by P.R. and 'But God' by M.L.J. all really grab my heart and I am convicted and encouraged deeply by them. I think the one that really notivates me the most over all is another David Wilkerson one called the cost of a fresh anointing, If you havn't heard It is basically Davids testimony about moving from being a stale but truly saved Pastor to being really used of God, firstly among the Gangs of New York and then in Teen Challenge and Times Square Church. The simplicicty of the steps that changed him absolutely spur my heart daily. In His heart he was sick of the lack of life in his own church and said "If this is Pentecost I don't want it" so he gave himself to prayer he got on his knees and sought God until he found him, no profound theology just the simplicity of getting hold of the promise of Jeremiah 29v13 and Mathew 7v8 and not rising from his knees until he got what he was asking for, the authentic empowering anointing of God. The more I look the more this theme seems common to those who are truly profitable to the lord, Duncan Cambell's testimony of turning back to the Lord, the Church in Bravas before the Hebridean revival and so many other instances it is very central to the object of SI. I just thought I can do that, though the turning from and abandoning of so much that I held to be good runs far deeper than I had initially imagined. One thing I keep close to me is a 'Universally effective prayer' that Andrew Murray commends in the notes at the end of his book on Humility.
"Father, Of your own great goodness, would you make known to me and take from my heart every kind and form and degree of pride, whether from evil spirits or from my own corrupt nature and would you awaken in me in the deepest depth the truth of that humility which alone can make me capeable of your light and Holy Spirit.

Bless you Brother

IanB,

Your original post was moving. Thank you for sharing and I will definitely pray for you and your family.

Blessings good bro.

Thank you so much David

This really is a blessing, looking at the predominantly meek and passionate way things are discussed here it is clear that many are aware that when we think we know something we know nothing yet as we ought to know it.
I was really encouraged by Michael Durhams featured sermon. In spite of the religious mess that seeks to obliterate Christ's testimony we really are surrounded by and in among a great cloud of witnesses.
Lets lovingly exhort one another more and more as we see the day approaching.

I hear you. And I'll try and work a bit more on the meekness part.

You are right in the palm of God's hand. I see no issues between you and Him. You are right with him and accepted in the beloved.

Thank you.

Your posts Iv'e read so far have been humble and considerate.
I thank God for Jesus promise in Mathew 11 that meekness is taught co yoked to Him, walking as he directs and with him taking the burden of strain as we choose to make the step of obedience. Did you come across Corrie Ten booms testimony of her encounter with one of her concentration camp guards who had been saved? That sister is such a blessing.

Dear brother Ian,

If I would state my testimony here, I could copy and paste big chunks of yours!

Dramatically saved 35 years, filled with the Spirit and on fire for Jesus and then I
backslid succumbing to hyper-charismatic, prosperity, Kingdom-dominion, inner-healing...you name it.
None else do blame then myself, because it is the flesh that yields to false teaching.

I came to myself when I, like the prodigal son desired to feed on with swines husks.

I litterally ran out of meetings when false fire fell, back when I still lived in the UK.

It was the same preachers that helped me out of my mess, and by the grace of God I met some in person.

Strange things is, when you try to tell your former Christian friends, they think you have become legalistic - and to a degree it was true, because I over-compensated the hyper-grace I was taught.

Anyway, welcome you brother, maybe you would like to check out B.H.Clendennen, Keith Daniel, Zac Poonen, Paul Washer, Leonard Ravenhill, G.W.North, Derek Prince and last not least David Pawson to name some of my favorites. And yes, check Gbile Akanni on YouTube.

Praise God Bro and thank you for the welcome.
Yes Yes Yes to nearly all those people though don't know much of David Pawson and will check out Gbile Akanni.
Mr north was involved with my friends fellowship in Reading who you and his friend Norman Meeten still has something to do with the oversight there though he lives in Manchester. Have you heard of Tom Hamlin? he is also with them.

After becoming aware that I had not actually drawn back to perdition as the accuser was telling me I set about trying to find a living Church in response to the admonition not to forsake assembling together. I went to many different groups like Noah's dove trying to find a home but found no rest. Nothing compared to the wonderful humble love filled presence of Christ apparent in the people who seem to have helped us both so much.

What an unspeakable privilege that out of all the people on earth we should be able to hear his voice, that his unction should steer us out of so much vile error and restore us to himself. I can't take it in that he's mindful of me but he is, we must heed his voice. So many comments after wonderful sermons are along the lines of " We need more pastors like this". No we need to do the things we've heard, we have the same Holy Ghost the same grace the same strength made perfect through weakness and the same capacity to wait on the lord till we really know him.

How is your Church and family situation now?

Bless you brother

Dear Brother,

I reckon David Pawson as some of the greatest Bible teachers alive. He just passed 90! He had taught through the entire bible and wrote many books touching important issues of the church today. You can check his teachings on davidpawson.org. I just finished his talk on Romans, he breaks it down in such a way that even a child can understand it.

I always intended but never made it to Earley, but I know some folks who were envolved with them.

I like you picture of the dove trying to find a landing place. We were in and out of churches for years for the same reasons as you, I guess.

We moved out of the UK and back to Germany. I started a fellowship there and in the end some rose against me and took over. Looking back, I am greatful that I could learn a lot through this. Now I am preaching in a small fellowship. My material is on YouTube, but it is all in German, though.

I can whole heartedly agree with Davis Pawson being an outstanding Bible teacher- only discovered him last year and he has already had an enormous impact on my spiritual growth helping me to understand much of the nuance in very simple terms.
His exposition of the book of Hebrews is as good as it gets 🙏🏻
Several of his statements are worthy of quotes but I’ve found them to be so intimate, so personal that to attempt to capture the statement in quotes would somehow cheapen it, as if to only capture the husk and not the life contained in it ~

Thanks guys
I will read start looking at some of his material

Luke 18:9-14 New International Version (NIV)
The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector
9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 10 "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people””robbers, evildoers, adulterers””or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

13 "But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

14 "I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

I would rather have someone who thinks they are a mess as we are all sinners saved by grace and I think I am more than anyone

I am so humbled by your testimony I have been trying to find the quote I think from Charles Wesley who said I am sinner saved by grace on his death bed

We have to go through sanctification constantly until we die and are glorified

I think the more I grew in the lord I realise that I am greater sinner and need Jesus more

I love pilgrims progress where it talks in the interpreters house where there are lots of soldiers protecting the heavenly city and he has to constantly battle to get into the heavenly kingdom

I think my life would be testimony of a failure but I love pilgrims progress where it talks about great heart

I think I saw David pawson at one church where he gave a talk on convenants

Thanks for the encouragement Dominic

Pilgrims progress is such a wonder. I think its about time I read it through again.

Though I know there is very much reaping of what has been sown, I am also confident that Isaiah 30 could have been written for me. The Lord is bringing me down and to an end of myself for his own glory and purpose.

Isa. 30

15 For thus saith the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel;
In returning and rest shall ye be saved;
in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength:
and ye would not.
16 But ye said, No; for we will flee upon horses;
therefore shall ye flee:
and, We will ride upon the swift;
therefore shall they that pursue you be swift.
17 One thousand shall flee at the rebuke of one;
at the rebuke of five shall ye flee:
till ye be left as a beacon upon the top of a mountain,
and as an ensign on an hill.
18 And therefore will the Lord wait,
that he may be gracious unto you,
and therefore will he be exalted,
that he may have mercy upon you:
for the Lord is a God of judgment:

Let us hold fast our profession in the face of all contradiction 'Greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world'

I was in a lot of failure as well. I was waiting for another infilling from the Lord but it didn't come.
I waited twenty years and didn't treat others nice in that time. I was enslaved to sexual thoughts too.

It was when I came to a place in my life where I thought my life would end that I asked the Lord if he would give me two months to live so i could get myself right and repent before going to be judged
by Him.

I now started to listen to the constant conviction of the Lord which I had always set aside as I didn't understand it, how the Lord could expect me to change and fulfill His requests.

I now began to reject the temptation of my sexual thoughts / temptations. And I rejected the chance to enjoy the pleasure of sin in my mind. I was addicted to that life from childhood.

I didn't know this but in now obeying the Lord like this I was putting into practice the verse "Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" And you will "be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
I did this day and night and after some weeks I began to sense the sin losing its control over me.
I still remember the sensation inside me that I was getting the victory.
It was the middle of the night and I was praying out on some hills near here.

This spurred me on and I felt the Lord drawing closer to me constantly and having fellowship with me.

The Lord opened my eyes to the scriptures and the wrongness of the teaching that we need to be filled with God before we can take our thoughts captive and follow His leading to repent.

I can honestly say that if we aren't denying our flesh to deny sin and aren't disciplining our mind we will never be mature in this world. It isn't possible.

The teaching about it being necessary to be filled with the spirit before we can obey God isn't right.

I am still alive and the Lord let me live after I showed him my willingness to lay down my old life in this way. And i have received favour and no more disasters have come my way.
And he has kept speaking into my heart that He loves me.

The Lord has now begun teaching me about living in His grace more.

Hi David,

Good testimony.

I argued with you on this before but now I will just say that God does not work according to our theology but according to our will and heart.

2 Chr. 15:2,4 ”“
……the LORD is with you when you are with Him. And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him; but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you……But in their distress they turned to the LORD God of Israel, and they sought Him, and He let them find Him.

2 Chr. 16:9 ”“
For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.

If we long for God and earnestly seek Him, God meets us with grace upon grace and gives us His Holy Spirit to lead us to victory in Christ (Rom. 8:13-14).

This is also my prayer in trouble:

2 Chr. 14:11 ”“
"LORD, there is no one besides You to help in the battle between the powerful and those who have no strength; so help us, O LORD our God, for we trust in You, and in Your name have come against this multitude. O LORD, You are our God; let not man prevail against You."

Blessings.

Hi David,

This is why the Gospel is for Christians also. We live in the Epistles, and only once we are truly established in the teaching of the apostles, faith in Jesus Christ being the foundation, will we begin to understand that Christ IS our Life.Then we can also begin interpreting the rest of scripture correctly, looking back at the Cross of Christ and what HAS ALREADY been accomplished.

On that foundation of grace through faith, we can begin to build a victorious christian life in practice.

Thank God for His grace!

Blessings,

Hi William, I am sorry I didn't really understand your post. Maybe you are going along with what Jade has said.

To me, through my experience I believe the Lord showed me things in the scriptures and opened them up to me that I had been blind to what God really wants from us.

Jesus didn't come to primarily establish, living by faith through grace.

Many upon reading that will be howling with laughter.

But he came to teach the hard road. the narrow way. Few there will be that find that path. because it's hidden from sight from those that haven't plundered their own wicked heart.
Just as the Jews only had scales removed from their eyes once they turned to follow Christ as Messiah, so also those that keep to that strict line of obeying the Lord will have the same scales removed that most of Christendom isn't right before God.

John Bunyan's Pilgrims Progress is based upon a revelation he had of his dire state. He was told to flee his family because they would try to haul him back to a life of being complacent over sin.

We have to flee from ourselves also. The human condition is capable of such complacency over languishing in their sinful state that they are a danger to themselves and eternal destiny and progress with God.

Paul said we are being saved. That means we are being saved out of the world and it's sinful ways so that we wont be condemned with the world. So we need to repent daily end keep sin under us. By disciplining ourselves. And gaining victory over stubborn sins.

I'm not having a preach at you. I am wanting to share what God has shown me so others can escape the corruption of the world and truly get right with God. That's partly why I share things sometimes.

Obviously there are seasons we go through. Seasons where we have to fall back on grace to receive life from the Lord. And seasons where we thrust ourselves into a full unfaltering war like state to get full obedience and victory over sin.

If my people will humble themselves and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear you from heaven. says the Lord.

Hi David,

Not at all, brother, have at it.
I did not read the whole string of posts but merely read through yours quickly and your last sentence saying you are learning to live in His grace more.
The gospel is the gospel of grace, isn't it?

We all come from different church movements etc and often the gospel of grace was not purely taught and expounded as by Paul especially, in all his epistles. Instead they were often mixed with teachings of men, tradition and self effort.

Quite often, the Lord allows us to strive against sin by our own efforts (Romans 7) until, after failing again and again and bearing the burdens of guilt and shame, we encounter the reality of the end of Romans 7 and start of Romans 8:" Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Where Jesus says in the gospels:'Deny yourself, take up your cross daily and follow me" Paul, in this new life in the Holy Spirit, puts it like this:" therefore, reckon yourself dead to sin and alive unto God" and " walk by the Spirit and you will not fulfil the lust of the flesh"

As earnest as our intentions may be, no amount of striving or contending by self effort will bring us the victory. That is like trying to achieve Christlike righteousness by obedience to the Law. The answer to overcoming is indeed grace, through faith. It is not in our striving but in understanding what Christ has already accomplished on the cross, for us and in us who have believed on Him.

As amazing as the words of our Lord Jesus are, they are revealed and clarified through the apostles after His resurrection and the coming of the Spirit. That is why I said we now "live" in the epistles.

May I humbly suggest a earnest reading, with attention and the help of the Spirit, the epistle to the Ephesians and together with it the little book by Watchman Nee called: Sit,Walk,Stand which I found very instructive.
Other books that helped me gain victory by faith are by Andrew Murray: Absolute Surrender and, Humility

"Those who are led by the Spirit, they are the sons of God!"

God bless,

Hi William, I believe it is also the Gospel of repentance. John the Baptist said to the Pharisees.
Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come .. bring forth the fruit of repentance.
Jesus said at the end of Luke, "this Gospel of repentance shall be preached in all nations".

I'm afraid I'm unable to continue writing.
I'm not very well at the moment.

I don't feel this is the Lords purpose for me at this time.

But in relation to the idea that we can't overcome a sin except for relying solely upon being filled with the spirit, I've found this to not be correct. I've overcome many sins and had my whole character changed in the process and had Jesus come to me closely in loving fellowship.
It is so clear that some have been taught so that they cannot see this.

"Put to death there whatever belongs to your earthly nature" is yet another verse. How can we not see it ? It's there as a command.
How did the person who was in fornication suddenly stop doing that in Corinth ?

The woman caught in adultery was not given the grace message that is being taught today. She was told to go and stop sinning.

Maybe someone in the crowd should have shouted out to Jesus that he had his theology wrong. ?

Thanks for responding David. I hope you feel better and am asking the Father to be gracious to you and bring healing.
I believe I am hearing you and certainly do not advocate " cheap " grace as we do not want to receive His grace in vain.
We are being transformed by the renewing of our mind so that we can know God's will and do it.
Paul also tells us to put off the old man with its corruption and put on the new man which is being renewed day by day.
This is appropriated by faith though, not mental assertion or emotional or physical exertion.
When we learn to walk by the Spirit the result is peace, rest, joy and those Christlike characteristics described in Galatians as the fruit of the Spirit.
Are fruit the result of exertion or remaining rooted in good ground.
Abiding in the vine.
Being born of the Spirit and receiving Him as indwelling Lord by faith and continuing in Him, by faith.
When my flesh becomes stirred up and wants to assert itself I have learned to first of all not focus my emotions to strive against it but rather to thank God that the victory is mine in Christ and that, in Him,I have died and Christ now lives in me.
So it is in our identifying with His death that we die and the Christ life is expressed in us.

I hope I'm making sense.
I know I also practice the above imperfectly at times and my emotions sometimes rise up strongly and threaten to overwhelm me but the Holy Spirit is faithful.
It is by His presence and power within that we can put to death the deeds of the body and live in victory.

Blessings to you

William