Overcoming marriage difficulties

Tonight's meeting in many ways is the most difficult of all of the meetings to handle, and the reasons being that there is the greatest danger of diverting into a lot of side issues and side sermons almost, and also there is the possibility that some might think that this would have the most limited application and appeal to many in the sense that if I'm having problems in my marriage and if I have a very cooperative spouse, then what you're really taking up is of little value. But I would like, I hope and trust with the help of the Spirit of God to show general principles that have a wide application beyond simply marriage. So just to again give you an idea where we're going, I want to speak about when it comes to resolving difficulties, defining the foe, defining who the foe really is.

Then we will look at dangerous factors. We will consider developing a framework and finally daring the formidable, taking the plunge in trying to make changes in relationships. So let me just start then with defining the foe.

I want to just mention a mentality which is crucial. Now by mentality, what I mean is a mindset, a way of looking at things that is crucial. Never think when there is a relationship difficulty that the problem is the other person.

Always have a we mentality. You might say that sounds fancy. Show it to me in scripture.

That's why we read Genesis 13. Abraham does not come to Lot and say, Lot, you've got a problem. Lot, you know, the problem is that ever since you got rich at my expense, your men have been having problems with my men and Lot, you've got to get this thing taken care of.

Abraham comes and says, Lot, we have a relationship and our relationship is being destroyed by something else, by strife. Our relationship is too important. Can you see what is happening when Abraham does that? It's not now me against you.

It's us against it. And the moment we adopt a mentality that says it's me against you or it's us against them, then the problem arises that we begin to get polarized and we begin to get into a way of thinking that is unscriptural. Isn't that exactly what Matthew 18 teaches? That if your brother's offended you, go to him, not to set him straight, not to get your pound of flesh, not to make sure he knows you're right and he's wrong, but go to him that you might gain your brother.

To value others so highly that I will let nothing hinder a relationship that God has established. Now, you can see it has a much wider application. I know we're talking about marriage tonight, but you can see that the biblical illustration is always to seek to go to not win over another person, but it is to recognize a relationship that is so valuable that we will not allow this problem to destroy our relationship.

Yes, you may say the remedy was extreme in Abraham's case that Lot and Abraham had to separate, but nevertheless, Abraham was concerned about the relationship. So, to approach a problem as though my spouse is the difficulty or my spouse and her family are the difficulty or my spouse and the children are the difficulty is to fail to realize the scriptural pattern that relationships are of such tremendous value that we should not allow other things to spoil that relationship, a mentality that is crucial. But honesty is critical.

Honesty is critical. To go to a person to solve a difficulty and to have a hidden agenda, to have your mind already made up and that somehow you're going to manipulate and work then into intimidation, to go with the profession of trying to sort something out, but not to be honest, is a deceptive, hypocritical, unspiritual approach. I realize that the parable of Luke chapter 8 and Matthew 13 we use primarily in the gospel, and that is very, very correct, and we will all keep doing that.

But I cannot help but think that there is a principle there relative to every, every reception of the word of God, not just those who are sinners listening to it, but even believers listening to the word of God. And you recall the seed that bears fruit. The Lord Jesus said in his interpretation that the seed that bore fruit were those who in an honest and good heart receive the word of God, and it bears fruit 30-, 60-, 100-fold and so on.

Every time we hear the word of God ministered, whether it's relative to what we're talking about tonight or any other subject, it will only bear fruit to the measure in which I am honest before God about my condition, about my need, and about what that word is saying to me. How often do we sit in a ministry meeting? How often do we sit in a conference gathering or Bible reading, and as the word of God is being ministered and it begins to touch home, we start playing mental games. First, is there something about the speaker that I can just bring to mind to kind of lessen the impact of what he's saying? And if I can't do that, then I start thinking, is there someone around me that maybe this message has even a more personal application than it does to me? And I become very generous with it.

See, that's not an honest heart, is it? That's not a willingness to allow the word of God to have its influence in my own life. So to sit down with another believer, to sit down with a spouse and say, we are going to read and pray and try to resolve our problem. And really, your mind is already made up.

And you're just going to use the scripture as a club to try to club someone over the head with to make them see it as you do. That's not really an honest heart. That's a hidden agenda.

So honesty is critical. Lastly, digging is painful. Digging is painful.

To find the real source of a difficulty, to get beyond the surface issues, to get beyond the nice, righteous labels we put on things, to justify our own conscience, to actually get to what the issue is can be a very painful, very difficult thing. It is only with a spirit of honesty, with the word of God before us, and with waiting together as a couple upon God that the real issue can be uncovered. We spoke of that last night, the power struggles that go on that use some superficial excuse as a reason for it.

But to really get to what the problem really is, defining the foe is not something that occurs easily. Defined problems are not really as simple a task and simple an exercise as it may seem on the surface. But wherever there is a difficulty between Christians to really sort out what really at the bottom of it requires pain and honesty before God.

So let me just then leave that and move on just again to underline for you defining the foe. Now let me give you very hurriedly some dangerous factors, and I will only touch on one or two of these because time will not allow it. I want to talk about poor communication skills.

I want to talk about poor comprehension. I want to talk about poor control of anger and poor conflict resolution. Now that may sound very heady.

Let me just bring it down to everyday life. Turn with me, if you will, to the book of Ruth. I know we shouldn't have favorite portions of Scripture, but Ruth to me is a goldmine, delightful in so many ways.

Look at the book of Ruth in chapter 2. Now maybe before I say this, it will just help you to know where I'm going with this portion. I want to talk for a few minutes about communication, and we can talk about degrees of communication. We can talk about difficulties in communication, but I just want to now talk about these degrees of communication.

Just notice very briefly. We'll go back over it after we read these verses. Begin at verse number 4. Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens.

Let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap, and go thou after them, and have not I charged the young men that they shall not touch thee? When thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn. Then she fell on her face, and bound herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldst take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger? And Boaz answered and said unto her, It has been fully shewed me all that thou hast done unto thy mother-in-law since the death of thine husband, how thou hast left thy father and thy mother in the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knowest not heretofore. The Lord recompensed thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the Lord God of Israel under whose wings thou art come to trust.

And she said, Let me find favor in thy sight, my lord, for that thou hast comforted me. Thou hast spoken friendly, or rather thou hast spoken unto the heart of thine handmaid, though I be not like unto one of thine handmaidens." I'm sure God will bless the reading of this delightful portion of the Word of God. Communication.

Now it may seem like we suddenly are leaving the spiritual for the skills that have to do with everyday life, but I want to assure you that communication is vital to every relationship we have, even as believers. I'd like to show you what I call levels of communication. Five different levels at which individuals communicate.

And I'll show you the application of this in a moment. Look at verse number four. Boaz comes from the field and says to the reapers, The Lord bless thee, the Lord be with thee, and the Lord bless thee.

That's the equivalent of our, Hi, how are you today? Feeling well? Thanks. Nice day. Goodbye.

Okay. Just, you know, all you know is the person can hear and they can speak English. You really know very little else.

You don't even know if they're really that well. Everyone says, I'm fine. Thank you.

How are you? Fine. Thank you. You know, you're not going to say I sprained my ankle very badly and it's black and blue and I can't walk on it and so on.

You just keep going on with life. So, you know, that's a very informal level of communication, which is fine. There's nothing wrong with it.

It has its place. But then look at verse number five and verse number six. And then he proceeds to tell him who she is in verses six and seven.

Now, something more is happening. Information is being transferred, isn't it? But just facts, nothing else. You don't know whether this man thinks it's good or bad.

You don't know whether he really thinks she's a great girl or she... All you know is he's giving information, just giving information. Come a little further in this section. Look at verse number eight.

Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not my daughter? Go not to glean another field and so on. Let thine eyes be on this field, verse nine. I've charged the young man not to touch thee.

When you're thirsty, come and drink and so on. Now, there's something more than just an informal exchange here. Something more than just information being exchanged.

You're beginning to see what this man, Boaz, values. He respects this woman. He's communicating to her what he thinks is good.

Look still further. Look at verse number nine now when you look at Ruth herself. Or rather, verse ten.

Then she fell on her face and bowed herself to the ground. Why have I found grace in thine eyes that thou shouldst take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger? Now you begin to get a real impression of this young woman, don't you? A woman who appreciates and a woman who is able to have a humble, thankful spirit. Until finally you come to their last communication.

And what you now are getting is not just an informal exchange. Not just information being transferred. Not just impressions of what is valued.

Not just ideals. But now you're getting insight into people's character. Now this may sound like that's all well and good.

What's that got to do with what we're talking about? How much of our communication with our spouses is at the first level? Have a nice day. Yeah. It's cold outside.

Take your coat. See you later. And our communication stays maybe at that level.

Maybe sometimes it gets to information. You look horrible in that dress. You know, maybe it gets and maybe sometimes a little bit more meaningful.

It should be at the level that Boaz and Ruth communicated at the end. You have spoken to my heart. Communication is vital in our relationships.

Now let me just back up a moment. Because I'm going to make this broader with one fell swoop. What about your communication with God? Is your prayer life limited to just telling God facts? Just information? Is that the extent of your prayer life? Or do you really get down to where you are revealing yourself to God in prayer? Where the highest aspirations of your heart, the deepest longings of your heart, are open before God and God sees through and through.

Now I know God sees us through and through to begin with. But are we just exposing ourselves? That's what communion, communication is really based, or rather communion is really based on communication. It's an unveiling of ourselves.

It's an exposing of ourselves. That is the very reason we have difficulty with communication. Because at the greater the level of communication, the more we are exposing ourselves to another person.

So you don't go to the convenience store to buy a gallon of milk and tell the person who takes your money the deepest longings of your heart. It's just inappropriate. It's just, thanks very much, nice day, goodbye.

That's appropriate for that level. But when it comes to a life partner, when it comes to a spouse, God expects communication to be meaningful. But the more meaningful, the more I reveal of myself, and the more vulnerable I become to another person.

And we don't like that because we want our little defense. We want our little island of safety where we cannot be hurt by another person. So as a result, we have erected barriers to communication.

And communication suffers between spouses. But the reason I'm coming to this is that before ever issues are resolved, there needs to be open, honest communication at every level, not just facts. And sometimes what we do is we give facts and we play a game.

We expect you to know then what we really value and don't value. Now you guess what I'm in favor of, okay? But to really reveal ourselves is vital in this whole issue. Difficulties or dangers in communication.

Difficulties in communication. Foreign languages, fighting languages, and false languages. Let me just take one of them because there isn't time.

Let me talk about foreign languages. We sometimes speak different languages to each other. You know what I mean.

Most of you, I'm sure, have traveled in foreign countries, and you know what it's like. If you're in a foreign country and you don't understand the language at all, you walk around totally oblivious to everything that's happening. And suddenly, out of nowhere, you hear somebody speaking your language, another foreigner who speaks your language, and they may be saying the most trifling thing, but your ear picks up and you're tuned to it and you listen to it because it's your language.

Many times, couples do not speak the same language, and as a result, they drift and they develop detachment. What do I mean? We touched last night on the fact that our differences in makeup between men and women do create different concepts and words. Let me just take one of them biblically for just a moment.

I have sat with individuals and their lament has been, he no longer loves me or she no longer loves me. And the other person is insisting that they really do. And, no, you don't.

And, you know, what's happened? Well, if I were to tell you that, as human beings, we speak different languages of love, and if you don't speak my language, then we're in trouble. What do I mean? How was it that Boaz communicated love to Ruth, primarily, up until the end when he does purchase her and make her his bride? How is he communicating love to Ruth? He's communicating by his words, isn't he, by what he says, his words of appreciation, his words of praise for her, his words of comfort to her. So, for Boaz, his language of love is one of supportive words.

But now, if I were to tell you, what about Jacob? How did Jacob express his love for Rachel? You never hear a word of anything he says, but it does say he served. He served for her for seven years, and the days seemed but a few, the years seemed but a few days, for the love he had for her. So, his love was expressed by what he did, by service for her in those years in Laban's home.

What about that man we talked about last night, Elkanah? As he is trying to show to Hannah that he loves her, and really, she should not be taking so hard the persecution that she is receiving from Hannah, how does he show his love to her? Not so much by what he says, not so much by serving, but by sacrificial giving. Here's more for you than for her. I want to show you how much I love you.

I am going to give you something to express my love. What about in the Song of Songs? How does the... It begins, of course, with the fiancé, and, of course, it ends with him being her beloved, her husband, but it's more essential. It is certainly idealized romance.

It's the physical there, isn't it, in that particular section of the Word of God. And, finally, if we think of Manoah and his wife, their affection is seen by a sharing together of all of life's experiences. So there are different ways we convey love to another person.

The only problem is, sometimes they don't speak the same language. For example, I'll come back from being away for a week, and I'll walk in the door and tell my wife how glad I am to see her and everything else, and open my suitcase and show her the gifts I bought her while I was away, which I try to do. And I will then say, I have to run to the office to go through a week's worth of mail.

I'll be back in about two hours. So there's my wife with the gifts I've bought her. I have communicated to her how much I love her because I've been thinking about her while I'm away and went to the trouble of buying these things.

And there she is holding these gifts, thinking, Wow, he's got to leave me so quick. You see, because for my wife, what she appreciates of love is not what I give her, but she appreciates my time. And so she'll say, You are not going out of that door until you sit here for two hours and talk to me, tell me everything that happened, and let's just spend some time together.

I could forget the gifts and just come home and sit down next to her and hold her hand for two hours and have a cup of tea and talk about what I did and how much I missed her. But you see, if all I were to do was just give the gift and go out, I think I've said I love you. She thinks he doesn't love me.

Now you may say, that's silly. Is it? Is it? You can translate that into every aspect of human relationships, even in the assembly, even in assembly life, even forgetting the issue of love for a moment, things like appreciation, things such as being understood and being welcomed. Some people think as long as there's a seat for you, you're being made welcome.

And who needs a handshake? And who needs a smile? There's a seat. You're welcome. What else do you want? And for other people, there needs to be the word of encouragement.

We all approach things in a totally different way. And the moment I begin thinking my way of doing things is the only way, I'm in trouble. I'm not really furthering human relationships on any level.

And so there needs to be that awareness that at times, we speak different languages. The same word, but yet it means different things to different people. And so you can see that when a difficulty arises, a couple needs to be able to communicate and begin speaking the same language.

Difficulties in communication, foreign languages, fighting languages, false languages, we are all guilty of them. Let me just turn to James 1 for just a moment if I can. I want to talk about poor comprehension.

Now, I realize, so you don't come to me at the close of the meeting, that the context here is that of an individual going through a trial. And for some people, marriage is that trial. Now, I just want to just take the principle though and lift it from the section, verse 19.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. Most of us think that communication is how well we can debate, how analytical and logical we can be in our arguments, or if that fails, how loud we can make our point.

Raise the decibel level if the logic and if the reasoning are beginning to fade, at least raise the decibels and get your point across as loudly as you can, then maybe you'll win. James tells us the key to communication is listening. Listening.

Do you know what listening conveys? Listening conveys that this person is of enough value that what they have to say has value. You know anybody who the moment you begin to speak to them, they begin to talk back to you and give you the answer. The moment you begin to say something, they begin to shut you off.

James says the key to communication is learning to listen. I think we could do with a dose of that in the assembly as well. Having enough respect for each other that we listen won't hurt.

It means that you are of value to me, that what you have to say, even if I disagree, what you have to say has value and I'm willing to listen and consider it. But without going into great detail, I'm going to just suggest to you there are four wrong ways we can listen. You can assume, you can presume, you can exhume, or you can fume.

And there are four different ways you can listen in the wrong way. You can assume you know what the person is saying. You can presume that you know where they're going and jump to a conclusion.

You can fume, thinking about all you want to say in return. Or you can exhume, you can bring back things from the past to throw at them because what else can you do? They may be right, but you're not going to take it, so you'll hit them with something too. We listen with all of those wonderful skills and never really resolve difficulties.

All these are barriers now to the resolving of problems. Poor anger control, I'm going to leave that. Poor conflict resolution, we'll have to leave that.

These are all impediments to solving and resolving difficulties of any kind. But let me then come to developing a framework. Turn to Philippians, if you will.

These are familiar verses. I just want to highlight them and underline them in every relationship. Philippians 4, verse 2, I beseech Odius and Syntyche that they be of the same mind in the Lord.

I entreat thee also, true yoke fellow, help those women which labored with me in the gospel, with Clement also, and with others, my fellow laborers, whose names are in the book of life. Rejoice in the Lord, O way, and again I say rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men.

The Lord is at hand. Be careful. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving.

Let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true.

Verse 9, those things which you have heard and learned and received and heard and seen in me do, and the God of peace shall be with you. Developing a framework. Okay, we've defined the foe.

We know what our problem is. And we've tried to remove all of these dangerous factors that could hinder our resolution of this difficulty. Now, developing a framework.

When faced with a marital difficulty, you have three choices. You can give up. You can give in.

Or you can give all. Give up? I don't care. I'm leaving.

Now, I said you could do that. But that is not a scriptural option. Give in.

Okay. It'll be your way. I won't.

Just go ahead. We'll just let the problem continue. We won't try to resolve it.

I don't want to. Just give in. Or you can give all.

Meaning you can work to resolve that difficulty. Now, that's true in any relationship difficulty. Giving up? I'm going to leave.

Forget it. Giving in? I'm just going to grit my teeth and I'll put up with it. Really? We rarely do that very successfully.

Or we can give all. We can work to try to resolve a difficulty. Having said that, what do you do then? Let me talk about ownership.

Ownership. Take ownership for the problem. What do I mean? I don't think I have ever seen a difficulty where one person is 100% right and the other is 100% wrong.

Now, I realize there are some perhaps rare exceptions, and I am not trying to say the person who physically or verbally abuses his spouse, somehow it's not all their fault. But I am saying that rarely is something so black and white that someone is all right and the other one all wrong. So when faced with a difficulty, whether between husband and wife or a relationship problem with another believer or someone in your family, be willing to take ownership for my part in this difficulty.

That will help and go a long way towards resolving things. To be able to sit down and say, look, I realize there's something about me that is contributing to this and I'm willing to take responsibility. Let's work on trying to resolve this difficulty.

So ownership, recognizing that it just might be that I might be 1% wrong and I'll be willing to bear my share, that 1%, and try to get it resolved. That may sound simple, yet how often do we go into a difficulty either with another believer or with a spouse and our goal is to convince them of how wrong they are and it's all their fault, not mine. To be willing to take ownership and to recognize my part in a problem.

But outlook is also vital. This goes back to the idea of an enemy attacking our relationship rather than you being the enemy and to have a right outlook to realize that this problem can be solved. Optimism.

A believer should have a positive attitude about a problem, not because somehow we have all the answers in ourselves, but with divine help we can resolve issues. Come to 1 Corinthians 13 for just a minute. Again, you're familiar, but I think it's vital to underline some things for us.

In Paul's wonderful hymn to the value of love, verse 7, he says, Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Let me just pick one out of that four for now. We're going to come back to these in a few moments.

Love hopeth all things. Love never gives up hope. Love always believes the object it loves can be helped and that where there's love, things can be improved.

Love always hopes. I would take it this has special reference, doesn't it, to the weak and the strong at Corinth, that the strong were getting very impatient with the weak and their very, very scrupulous consciences. And after a while, you know, you might for a little while say, well, okay, I won't eat meat maybe this year, but, you know, next year? How long is this thing going to go on that I got to put up with these weak Christians and these weak brethren that have these scruples? And they're hopeless.

They're never going to change. I'm going to... Paul says love hopes all things, never gives up hope. We should, as believers, when faced with difficulties in family life and in married life, recognize that one of the qualities of love is a boundless optimism.

Because we have to remember it is not our skill that is behind all this and it's not my diplomacy or my adeptness at being able to negotiate with a spouse. But this is not just a bilateral arrangement. This is a triangular arrangement.

God is in this marriage. We have a dimension to our relationship that is totally supernatural. There's no other word for it.

There is a dimension to our relationship that transcends the limitations of our personalities, the blindness, we all have them, the blind spots of our vision. There is a dimension to our relationship that is able to change us and to make us both far better than when we started out. So every reason in the world is confronted with a difficulty then to have that sense that this cannot only be resolved, but the result of this can be even something better.

Optimism. Overcoming. Come back to 1 Corinthians 13.

Look at what it says in verse number 5. Now, we won't get into translations tonight, but let me just say that I think a far more accurate understanding of that expression in the original languages does not take into account the evil done to itself. Let me just put it in everyday terms. I hope this isn't just an American idiom.

Love doesn't keep score. Does that make sense in British language? Doesn't keep score. Doesn't say, okay, you won that one.

My turn at bat is coming in a little while. And when I get up, it's going to be my turn. Thinketh no evil.

Now, just so if you're sitting here and your marriage is Edenic, let me just raise it a notch. This applies to all relationships. Doesn't keep score.

We don't keep score in the assembly. We don't keep score with each other as brethren and sisters because that's not what biblical love is like. That's not the character of God.

God, thank God. He never keeps score. If God kept score, we'd all be in a sorry state.

How many times have we had to go with the same sin, with the same failure, and come at this and tell God all over all about it? God never says, look, fella, how many times am I going to have to forgive you for that? 70 times 7? We're beyond that now. Get your calculator out. It's even further than that at this point in time.

No, God doesn't keep score. So vital to every resolution of a difficulty is the principle of forgiveness. Forgiveness.

Easy to say, extremely difficult to do. Let me just help you by telling you that forgiveness is not just an act. I think we've all had occasions where we have genuinely and sincerely forgiven, and then maybe months or years later, some little thing comes up, and it triggers that whole thought process back in our minds, and we think, well, did we forgive? Yes, we did.

It's a process as well. It's an ongoing willingness not to bring to mind that incident when I'm thinking about that person. It's looking at that person as though that did not happen.

Now, we play games. You know, I can forgive, but I can't forget, so what's the use? That's just an excuse, isn't it? That's just a game we are playing to try to get around the biblical requirement of forgiveness. No, we cannot forget.

It doesn't tell us that God forgets either. Their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. That's different than forgetting.

Forgetting is a defect. Forgetting is, you know, senility or dementia, and none of us want that. But choosing not to remember is a divine quality characteristic, and that is what we need to cultivate is the ability to choose not to remember so that in a marital difficulty where there are problems, where there has been sincere acknowledgment of failure, then there needs to be forgiveness and that issue not brought up again.

Never to be brought up again if genuinely forgiven. Overcoming the past, the paralysis of the past. But let me talk about opportunity.

Maybe we should talk about obligation just to hurry on. Commitment is essential. We talked about that last night, and I want to underline it again because if there is in your mind the idea that there is a back door and if it doesn't go my way, I am going the highway, then it will never get resolved.

There has to be that sense, we are committed, we are going to get this resolved, we want to get this improved, we intend before God to find the solution to this with God's help. Having said all of that, then, there needs to be the organizing of a plan, not just sitting back and, well, okay, we'll just let it happen, you know, we both really want this to work and we want this to be better, so we'll just sit back and see what happens. No, you wouldn't approach other things that way, would you? To actually sit down and say, well, now, here's what we want to change and here's how we're going to begin approaching it and encouraging each other in it, supporting each other in it.

Where you see improvement, where you see progress, however small, to give each other all the encouragement you can amidst all of that to seek to honor God and to see it move forward. But let me touch on one other very sensitive issue, and I think it's vital, and that is, supposing we're in an impasse and we can't either really resolve what the problem is or we've tried and we're getting nowhere, what do we do now? Could I suggest, and again, maybe I'm going out on a limb here with a brethren, I have not mentioned this, could I suggest that there's nothing wrong with getting another couple, getting a couple of brethren? Far better to try to resolve it within the bounds of the assembly, if at all possible. Or you might say, but I don't want people knowing my business.

I can appreciate that, but you've got a small window of opportunity to selectively choose who is going to know about your problem before the problem gets so bad that everybody knows about your problem. It'd be far better to be able to choose ahead of time. There's a couple, there are some brethren, and I know if we talk to them, it'll go no further.

I've got confidence in them. They're able to help. They may not have to be professional degrees, don't have to be clinical counselors or doctors or psychologists, just spiritual people in whom you can have confidence, to whom you can go and spread your problem and look for some guidance.

They're not going to tell you what to do. They're not going to sit there and take sides and say, you know, that's not what wisdom does. Wisdom just listens, gives some guidance, some scriptures to bear upon it, maybe make some arrangements for another meeting.

But far better to choose who knows, to limit it to just a few who can be trusted than just to wait till things have reached such a desperate point that everyone knows what's happened, and it's beyond repair. So if you're at that point with a difficulty, then the need to move and seek for wisdom and for help. Let me just mention daring the formidable.

It can be scary to try to change. So that, you see, there are pressures that resist change that all of us face. One of those pressures is the fear of failure.

Well, you know, we've tried before, and every time we try, it just gets worse, and we're just reminded of the problem. Who wants to face it? You know, look, let's just bury it. You know, why fail again? Why be faced with discouragement and failure again? So one of the pressures that resists change is the fear of failure.

The second one is the fallacy of a quick fix. We want instant fixes for everything. Problems did not occur instantly.

You do not take something which is the result of 20 years of behavior, 20 years of a way of living, 20 years of a way of looking at things, 20 years of a way of treating someone, and suddenly think because we have read and prayed about it one night, it's going to change. No. You don't change 20 years in just a single session.

Yeah, you start working on it. You begin to make progress. But if you're looking for everything to be perfect immediately, yes, you're going to have tremendous disappointment.

The fallacy of a quick fix. Facing the uncomfortable. We get, no matter how bad things are, people get comfortable in a certain zone of activity.

They kind of know what's to be expected and what the limits are and when they're going to get clobbered and when they're going to get insulted. And you get comfortable in that zone and the thought of moving out and trying to change brings in some uneasiness and some fear. But let me talk about the possibilities that encourage change, if I can.

Not just pressures that resist it, but the possibilities that encourage it. I think I've exceeded my time. I apologize.

You can cut the tape now if you need to. Don't worry, Tony. First of all, I want to tell you that from the Word of God, it is the intention of God.

It is God's intention that you have the very best marriage you can. God is not interested in individuals living with just a truce with each other. He wants this wonderful relationship to mirror the relationship of Christ with His church.

And amidst that human relationship, He wants us learning, teaching each other as spouses and learning from each other something of the wonder of that relationship. He's not content with us just saying, well, we'll call a truce and we'll just try to tough it out till one of us dies and all the rest. No.

He intends for marriage to be the very best of human relationships. I take it from 1 Peter 3 that when Peter speaks of the grace of life, he is speaking of marriage. That marriage itself is the grace.

It's like the icing on the cake. Okay? Just in everyday terms. You call it icing? What do you call it? Icing? Icing on the cake.

It's, you know, it's really great. So the intention of God. An indwelling spirit.

You are not left to your own energies to change. It's not determination. It's not self-will.

It's not somehow self-help. You don't have to go out and buy 20 of the latest self-help books on how to do something. You are indwelled by the spirit of God.

And if you yielded to that spirit, there is the potential for change in your life and in mine. So there is the indwelling spirit. There is the inspired word of God to encourage us and guide us and teach us.

And then finally, there is the investment that you have already made in your marriage, regardless of difficulties, regardless of how short a time you've been married. You've made an investment. And you are a fool to throw that investment away.

You've invested more in your marriage relationship than anything else in life, aside from spiritual life. How easily some people just discount it as being so trifling. You've invested so much.

Why not reap some of the blessing God intends you to have from that investment and go in for it? Let me just close by telling you, you come to the Song of Songs, the very last chapter, just before it gives us a look back at how Solomon and the Shulamite began their relationship. The daughters of Jerusalem say, Who is this that cometh up out of the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved? And then they're found under the apple tree. Now, I know that is a lovely picture of Christ and His bride, but in the language of the Song of Songs, the Shulamite and Solomon, could I just put it in the context of their lives? The wilderness in Scripture is frequently a place of trial, a place of difficulty, a place of testing.

Here they are after years of marriage, coming up, not fighting, leaning. And the wilderness, it's exchange for the apple tree, sitting under the apple tree, joy, delight, pleasure. You see, they've come up out of all the trials of life.

And there were trials. If you go back, for example, to chapter 5, you see a difficulty, a breach that occurred there between the beloved and the spouse. And there were some other things that were occurring, but now they've come through all of those difficulties.

All of those conflicts have been resolved. And now there is a closeness. There is an intimacy.

There is a joy. Conflicts can be the source of tremendous joy and strength. I think older believers here will say that some of our greatest joys today were once some of our greatest sorrows.

Same can be true in marriage, that some of the greatest joys that we have can be the result of some of what were the greatest trials we had once in life, when with God's help, with the Word of God before us, the Spirit of God indwelling us, we sought with God's help to resolve things, to improve them. And like the spouse of the Song of Songs, a greater intimacy and a greater joy is a joy known as a result of things resolved based on scriptural principles for God's glory. Shall we pray?