Overcoming Conflict in our relationships

I want to turn with you first of all to Proverbs 13 for a verse here. Now the theme that I am going to be looking at this weekend is overcoming conflict in our relationships. I have come to realize that this is a tremendous need both in our families and among God's people, and many of us have suffered from times of conflict, and often we find that once a conflict has happened with somebody it's never quite the same from that time on.

And so I trust that the principles we will be looking at may be able to be of some help. Proverbs 13 and verse 10. Only by pride cometh contention, but with thee well advised is wisdom.

Now some translations will put it slightly different. It will say by pride comes only contention. So either way you read it, it is implying a direct connection between pride and conflict.

Let's turn over to James chapter 3. James chapter 3, and we'll start reading at verse 13. Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? Let him show out of a good conversation or behavior his works with meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth.

This wisdom descends not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.

And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace. Now you can notice immediately that there's a contrast being placed between two kinds of wisdom. A wisdom that comes from above, which obviously would be a wisdom that comes from God himself.

And there is a corrupted kind of wisdom that comes from the distortion that sin has brought into our beings. And it's interesting that in verse 14 to 16, where you have this challenge for us to be honest, to be realistic, to acknowledge the reality of what is going on, both in our outward interactions and in our inner attitudes. And so I'm going to start by quoting a couple of studies done upon conflict.

And these are especially in the context of marriage. But in what I'm going to touch on this weekend, I'm going to be floating back and forth between marriage and family relationships and assembly relationships. I have discovered that when it comes to marriage and family, you might be disappointed initially when you look through the Scriptures and you say, why isn't there more counsel directly in the Word of God for marriage? Why isn't there more for family relationships? One of the things that I've come to appreciate is that the spiritual relationship that we have in Christ is exactly parallel with the marriage relationship.

There is a bond that has been created. There is a deep and intended to be a permanent and in Christ an eternal relationship established. And so all of our responsibilities flow out from the relationship that we have.

So the relationship determines the responsibility. And so there is a book written called Fighting for Your Marriage, which is a bit of an ironical title, dealing with the issue of conflict. And says, contrary to popular belief, it is not how much you love each other that can best predict the future of your relationship, but how conflicts and disagreements are handled.

Now if you want a definition for conflict, it's really just simply a disturbing difference. There are differences that we have individually, which may not cause a conflict. But then there are those differences which disturb.

Those become the points of conflict. And so these authors, there was actually a group of authors who are doing this study, dealing with marriage. And so they highlight the significance of how we handle conflict.

And they suggest four main risk patterns for divorce. Now I would say personally that I have come to realize over the years that unresolved conflict is one of the most destructive things. Now I'm going to get into a little bit of personality discussion in a few moments.

But especially for some of us, unresolved conflict easily destroys us. We stew over it. We can't seem to get away from it.

It keeps coming back. It obsesses us. And as a conflict goes on and on and on, unresolved, it has the potential to create a tremendous amount of havoc in relationship, whether in a marriage, family, or assembly.

And so it may startle you to look at some of these risk patterns that they suggest. The very first one is withdrawal and avoidance. Now what's that all about? Well, avoidance is pretending that there is no conflict.

Or avoiding any issue that you know will trigger a conflict. You say, well, isn't that the smart thing to do? It's all right for a temporary strategy, but it is not helpful in the long term. And I hope to point out to you that there is a sense in which conflict is somewhat inevitable.

It's how we handle each other, how we care for each other, as we enter into this arena of conflict that will make the difference between whether it becomes a wall that divides us or a doorway into greater closeness. So the very first one that they suggest is withdrawal and avoidance. And what happens if, when we come to some point of conflict, if we withdraw from each other back to a safe distance and then we avoid that area, that issue, eventually it will deteriorate the closeness that we did have.

There will be more and more areas where we don't talk about, we don't interact in, and so it can cause the deterioration of the bond that holds us together. And I will have to say this that, and this is in a little bit of an excuse for us who are men, is that when it comes to the husband and wife relationship particularly, this is the default male strategy. Shut up and keep quiet and hope she settles down and gets over it and then we can get back to normal again.

You see, and I will say this, and this is not entirely an excuse, for a husband with his wife, it is part of his code of honor to not fight with his wife, to not be quarrelsome with her, because he wants to protect her, he wants to care for her, and so it is the last thing he wants to do to be in conflict with his wife. Now you might say, does that mean she does want to be in conflict? Well, here's the difference for the wife. The wife needs to connect or to reconnect if there's something going on, and so she confronts in order to get close again, and that's exactly what he's afraid of, and he runs away from it.

So there is this male and female distinction that does create and set up, you might say, the foundation for problems in marriage, and that she feels that she needs to confront, she needs to talk about it in order to clear it up and to feel close again, whereas he thinks that's the worst thing that can happen. So the second risk pattern that leads possibly to eventual destruction of the relationship is what's called escalation. Now escalation is where I make some comment to you, and you perceive it as some kind of an attack, and that hurts you, and then you trigger with a response in retaliation, and so you try to hurt me now intentionally, and then I register that, and I escalate it more anger, more venom, and so on, and so the in-laws is one of the favorite subjects for this to happen on, where some little comment is made, and you say, oh, that's what you think of my family, and this is what your family's like, and away we go.

And so escalation, and if you do not know how to de-escalate when you feel insulted or unjustly handled, you can end up causing more damage than the original problem. So escalation is a very unfortunate way of coping. And then the third one is invalidating each other, and that is where you shower contempt upon what the other person is, their concern, or their opinion, or their belief, and you discredit the foundation of their concern or belief.

You belittle them, and so invalidating another person is a very, very dishonoring thing. And again, certain personalities are more prone to this, so we need to recognize it if it is a problem that we have as our own personality. And the fourth one is having exaggerated or false beliefs about our partner, and I have recognized this over and over again, and it happens not just in marriage relationships, family issues, but in the assembly, sometimes even more so.

You see, it doesn't take us very long to put each other in a certain framework. We think we know each other, we think we understand what each other is all about, and so we put a framework for that person. And one of the things that happens in our own brain is that once we form a certain perception of a person, it takes a lot to change that.

It's just part of the functioning that our own brain has that it filters out anything that contradicts our perception or what we have come to believe about a certain person. So you can see the problem that if you begin to have exaggerated perceptions of another person, it is in a sense cementing in this atmosphere of conflict. I want to give you a different quote from an author named Gary Oliver, and he puts a little different perspective in it that may help us to appreciate that conflict can be an avenue for growth and development.

He says, no one wins in a world where we don't speak the truth in love, where conflict is denied or avoided or both. No one grows where the truth is absent, where no one is pushed to do and to be the best. Without conflict, we remain relationally shallow.

And then he summarizes it, and this may be something worth writing down and thinking about. Conflict is the price we pay for intimacy. Conflict is the price we pay for intimacy.

But yes, most of us have had very bad experiences with conflict, and we have learned very often to avoid conflict at almost any cost. But that tends to keep us at a distance from each other and our relationships remaining on a very shallow level. And so again, I'm just going to suggest this, that conflict can either become a wall that separates us, and of course, how many times do you have to bang into the same wall before you learn to stay back? Or it can become a doorway through which we enter into deeper, more intimate relationship with each other.

And it depends on how we care for each other as we deal with this. And then, of course, there is what we call collateral damage. And that is the problem that very rarely does any conflict between two individuals stay entirely just between those two people.

Whether it's in the family, whether it's in the assembly, it tends to spill over because our reactions to each other become obvious. People start to take sides. We begin to get these clicks, these roles where we consult with other people, we degrade that person, and others get dragged into it.

And one thing I will say, I have come to believe very, very strongly that older believers, and I was going to say older mature believers, but sometimes we can't put those two words together, unfortunately, older believers must recognize the tremendous damage that open conflict can have on new believers and on younger believers. In an atmosphere of conflict in an assembly, there's an awful lot of damage that takes place. And that's what we see here in James chapter 3. He says, where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.

There is a multitude of negative effects, negative consequences. And unfortunately, in some assemblies, it's almost like what is taught in evolution, where only the strongest survive. Only those who are very strong individuals can survive the atmosphere of conflict and hostility that goes on and on in the assembly.

Now, I want to just point out here that what we see in verse 17 down in James chapter 3, as he speaks about the wisdom that is from above, he says, it is first of all, pure. If there's one thing that we need to become much more discerning in within our own spirits is to understand what's going on inside of me so that I have pure motivations. Why do I think I have to talk to that person? Why do I have to go and deal with that issue? Is it because I want to crush them as an opponent? Or is it because I need to gently correct them to help them? What is motivating me? We need to have this wisdom, which is from above, which has pure intentions.

And I think we can only get to that purity of intention as we search our own hearts in God's presence. And then it says, then peaceable. And I want to be drawing attention throughout these meetings to a number of passages that emphasize the importance that we have been called to relationships that are characterized by peace.

We need an atmosphere of peace. And then he mentions gentle. Are you gentle with people? Or do people tense up when you approach? What emotional reaction do you have when certain people come close to you? Do they immediately put you under tension? By their attitude and their behavior.

So gentleness is extremely important. Easy to be entreated. That means you should be able to come to me if you have some problem, some concern, some issue about either something I have said or something that you observe.

I should be approachable. You shouldn't be afraid to approach me. So we need to challenge ourselves.

What is, what are the attitudes, the characteristics that are within me? Is the wisdom that is from above, which is really the character of Christ, is that genuinely in control? Full of mercy, good fruits, without partiality, without hypocrisy. And then he makes the connection between the fruit of righteousness sown in peace of them that make peace. Peace and righteousness are in harmony and flow from each other.

So let's then think about some of the, what I would call, genuine sources of conflict, genuine distinctions that can be enriching for us, that God has intended would actually be for mutual benefit. And the first thing is what I would call personality, differences of personality. I'm sure you have heard this said over the years.

I hear it all the time that most assembly problems are not doctrinal issues. They're personality conflicts. And maybe you've heard that so often that you're sick and tired of hearing it, but it is a very, very significant reality.

At the same time, it's not the whole story. And what I would suggest to you is that our differences of personality touch on differences of appreciating principles. A certain personality will gravitate towards a certain set of principles.

Now, let me just give you some of them as quickly as I can. Now, I remember many years ago reading a book by Tim LaHaye called Your Temperament, Discover Its Potential. It's been around for a long time.

And he touches on the fact, and there are many different kinds of temperament personality studies, many different labels, but they nearly always end up with four basic kinds of people. This seems to be a universally recognized reality. There are four basic kinds of people, and most of us are a blend of at least two of those.

And that tends to balance us out a little bit. Now, the first one is labeled the sanguine. And the key characteristic that gives away a sanguine is he's the talker.

And someone has said that a sanguine gives himself away or herself away by always coming into a room mouth first. The bigger the crowd, the louder this person is. They can hold the center of attention.

They enjoy being on stage. In fact, all of life is a stage to the sanguine. They're very friendly, personable, outgoing people.

If you see a good salesman, they're very possibly a strong sanguine. And incidentally, many excellent evangelists also have some sanguine personality because God has intended this personality to be one who can be a catalyst between people, who can connect with people very easily. Now, unfortunately, there is weaknesses that go along with that.

They will very quickly tell you what they think of you. And what I call flash anger is a typical problem for someone who is a sanguine. They can tell you off in a moment, and then they will walk away, and it's over because they've said what they needed to say.

And if you happen to be of another personality called a melancholy, you will remember that blast for weeks, months, and years. And you can't rest until you do something about it eventually. Now, sanguine, outgoing.

The other one that is very outgoing is called choleric, and that is typically the person who is very productive. And the label for the choleric is the worker or the doer. If you have somebody who is very productive, very strong work ethic and so on, very possibly carries some choleric temperament.

Now, a choleric would just as soon get the job done rather than waste time talking to somebody. But if you get the blend together, you will have some of those characteristics mollified a little bit. But also, the certain blends accentuate certain characteristics, and anger tends to be a problem with the choleric as well.

And so, someone who is a sanguine choleric personality told me one time that he estimated that 80 to 90 percent of the conflict in the assembly was due to people of that personality blend. Now, I didn't disagree with him. I just listened.

And part of the reason simply is this. These are people who have opinions, who have strong opinions, and they think that they are right and that you should agree with them. And so, if you have one strong person in a group, they can provide leadership.

They can be a spark plug for a work. They can be very effective. The problem gets when you get two.

And if they choose to be rivals of each other, it sets up for this disaster of much good potential wasted on conflict against each other. So, we need to recognize who we are. We need to understand the effect we have on others.

And we need to be discerning as to what is motivating us in our activities and so on. Now, there are two quieter personality types. I've already mentioned the melancholy.

The word associated with the melancholy is the thinker. The sanguine tends to be very positive. The melancholy tends to be very negative, both emotionally driven, but in two different directions generally.

And so, the melancholy tends towards negativity, tends towards being critical, tends to pick apart what other people are doing and see the problems. And so, you can easily see how that sets us up for conflict between us. Now, then there's the other one called the phlegmatic, and he's the one who is called the watcher because he's basically quietly resigned to life, very passive, gets along with anybody, but has, on the other hand, a quiet stubbornness, does not tend to create conflict, but can be very difficult to move or change.

Now, I happen to be a melancholy-phlegmatic combination. My wife happens to be melancholy and choleric combination. And so, we work together very well if she can get me motivated.

And so, when it comes to carpentry projects and all of that, she loves the work I do. She's a perfectionist. I'm a perfectionist.

But she knows, she has learned over the years that once she gets me going, not to let me stop or that job will never get done. It'll never get finished. And so, if we recognize who we are and if we recognize who the other person is, it can help us to alleviate some of these points of conflict so that we recognize they're not necessarily right or wrong.

They're just different. And if we could appreciate the benefits, the beauties of the various kinds of personality that God has designed, we could make a lot of progress in enriching one another. Now, I have to go from there to disagreement of principle.

And I've already suggested that our personalities have a strong influence on what we gravitate towards when it comes to spiritual principles. I grew up in an assembly where one of the overseers was very strongly a man of principle, of truth. And he would stand for what he believed was right, no matter who disagreed.

We need to value that kind of commitment to what is true, commitment to principle. There was another overseer in the assembly who always seemed to be in conflict with him. And I began to realize, as I matured a little bit to realize, it was because he was thinking, first of all, of the people involved.

And so you have grace and truth. Grace looks at the person. Truth looks at the issue.

When we come into conflict, we tend initially to be involved, taken up with the issue itself. And sometimes we do a lot of damage to the people involved until we began to realize that we're hurting each other. We're causing damage that we may not be able to recover.

So we need to develop an appreciation of both emphasis. And of course, when it comes to assembly life, there's what we could call divergence of priorities. We need people who are devoted to studying the scriptures, whose hearts are keen on teaching the word of God.

We need those who are sensitive to the condition of the Lord's people, who are sensitive to see when someone is getting weary, someone is wandering, someone with a shepherd heart. We need those. We need those priorities.

We also need people to be zealous in gospel. Whether with children or adults. And yet all of these different focuses are demanding.

We need to appreciate each focus. And we shouldn't be demanding or expecting everybody to think exactly the same way that we do. Now, there's many other things, but I want to just touch, I guess my time is gone, isn't it? I've already mentioned that pride is the underlying, you might call it the rock under the surface, that can trigger so much complication when it comes to conflict.

So I trust as we think about some of these ideas, we will examine our hearts and learn from God.