How to Grow a Church

I can tell you the best way to grow you a church, brother pastor. Be sure to drop your denominational name from the title and give your church a new name that evokes a good time. Then get some big financial backers from some of your contacts within your business community, and be sure to get a worship band that's upbeat and talented, and get some strobe lights and some big screen TVs, and make sure there's a coffee bar in the lobby with some big comfortable easy chairs so folks can relax in before the service.

Be sure the ushers look happy and are friendly, and as the pastor, make sure you come bounding onto the stage exuding energy and personal magnetism. Smile often and be complimentary to your hearers. Quote a recent Hollywood movie they can all relate to and get a chuckle from them so they will feel relaxed and at ease.

Make sure what you wear is stylish and fashionable, but casual. Let them know that this church is not a stuffy-born church, but a relaxed fun church. Let them know how much you appreciate them for being there as you celebrate God together, have fun during the service, and be sure to have at least two good jokes and one funny story.

Keep the mood positive and the tempo upbeat. Give them a feel-good message that will help them to be a better person. Elevate man and his needs and give them a man-centered gospel that revolves around the happiness of man.

Be sure to tell them that they're going to heaven and it's the easiest thing they will ever do because all they have to do to go to heaven is to believe what you're telling them that the gospel is. Keep telling them how much God loves them and that he loves them just like the pop song says, that he loves them just the way you are. No need to change because God's a very accepting God and he accepts you just the way you are.

Avoid preaching from the Bible. Use an anchor verse for the day. Take it out of context and use it as a positive reminder how much God loves them.

Use some media in your message and be sure to use some video that is upbeat with a positive thought. Tell a personal story at the end of the service that will play on their emotions and make sure you cry some crocodile tears while you tell it as you invite them to come back again next Sunday and bring a friend to enjoy and be part of such a wonderful religious celebration. Be sure to elevate man and his happiness and tell them that God wants to bless them with material things so they can be prosperous.

Teach them an accommodating God and a positive message and you will soon have one of the fastest growing churches in your town and you will be on your way up the ladder of your denomination and everybody will just love you. Good luck because you need luck if you plan on dodging all those people you led to hell when you were shut up in hell with them and they are out to get you for lying to them and damning their souls.