Marriage: Understanding and Appreciating Roles - Part 1

Lord, we just ask you, Lord, to visit the service tonight. Lord, your spirit is welcome here. Lord, I pray that marriages would begin to be restored.

Lord, I pray that husbands would begin to lead like you've designed them and called them to lead in their homes. That they would wake up from spiritual complacency, Lord, and begin to lead their family in the fear and admonition of the Lord. Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that you would just help give the women the gentle, kind spirit that you've given them, and to be gracious and compassionate, Lord.

Lord, we thank you for creating us, Lord, but we do thank you for dying on the cross. We want to remember why we're here. We're here because Jesus paid the price.

Lord, please bring revival to our valley, to the churches, to our marriages. Lord, we pray that your word would go forth tonight and literally change lives, Lord. Hearts would be broken.

Marriages would be restored and built up and encouraged. And we pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.

Well, welcome to West Side Christian Fellowship. If I don't know you, come up and say hello after the service. But as we were worshiping back there, I just thought of kind of giving you this exhortation as we're in the series on marriage, that marriages are worth fighting for.

They're going to come under attack. The enemy is going to come after them, and they are worth fighting for. In a culture that doesn't want to define marriage anymore by a man and woman, it wants to be called whatever it is, the Christian community has to understand that it is ordained by God.

Three institutions got ordained. The church, the marriage, man and woman, and the government, to be a tear to those who do evil. Those three institutions, and the enemy will come and attack those institutions because they are the foundation.

Primarily the church and marriage are the foundation of everything. It's how we raise godly children. It's how we love and cherish each other.

And from that, the church is built. So I just need to encourage you that marriage is vitally important. It's got to be fostered.

It's got to be worked at. It's not easy. It'll fall apart if you allow it.

That's why it takes time. It takes energy. It takes resources.

Just like any other relationship. A relationship with Christ, we pursue it. A relationship with our spouse, it must be pursued.

It must be cherished. And what happens is we're watching and allowing our culture to conform us. We talked last week, be not conformed by this culture, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

As the culture conforms us, it minimizes marriage. It's not a man and a woman. It could be whatever you want.

It's no big deal. And we're seeing the institution of marriage basically being rooted out of its very foundation. And it's worth fighting for.

Hopefully somebody needs to hear that. It's not something that, forget it, let's just move on. It's worth fighting for because God ordained it.

He's called two believers to it. And we must have fortitude and strength and discipline and perseverance and get through it. Now granted, as I've said many times before, and sometimes a series on marriage needs a big disclaimer.

I know there are couples out there that spouses hear or will hear this message and they're in divorce or they've been divorced as really no fault of their own. I mean, there's of course situations that this message isn't going to cover everybody and I understand that. But for the vast majority of people, we give up too soon.

We give up too soon. In this foreclosure market, in the real estate market we're seeing today, we're creating a culture of foreclosure. Walk away, it's no big deal.

30 years ago it was never mentioned. Now it's no big deal. Now granted, there's hardship.

People are going through tremendous things, of course. I'm not minimizing that. But look at the culture we're creating with marriage too in our nation.

It doesn't stand for biblical truth and foundational doctrines and marriage being esteemed and honored. Now it's being ridiculed. It's being mocked.

Look at sitcoms. The dad is portrayed as some clown, foolish man and these little kids running around 12, 13, 14, bossing them around, telling them what to do. Aren't they so cool? Aren't they so sassy? And the dad is just walking around, oh yeah, and he's the joke of everything.

Our culture is slowly changing everything. We've got to be careful in the church because a lot of times we're viewing these things, we're allowing these things to conform us. And I believe, I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I believe, as I said last week, that what we're viewing in entertainment plays a huge role in the divorce rate right now.

It's shaping our culture. We are being conformed to the culture. Paul says don't be conformed to the culture.

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So if we're never in God's Word, we're not obeying God's Word, we're not in worship, we're not in times of prayer, we're not putting Him first, the marriage will be conformed to the world. And as a result, it will fall down.

It will fall apart. Now with that said, I'm going to enter into a very controversial topic tonight. I tried to avoid it.

I didn't want to even talk about it. But I don't think it needs to be that way. And I believe God's put a lot in my heart this week that I want to share with you and kind of a misunderstanding that I think we have in this idea of roles.

You know, male and female, and this whole idea of submission, and oh gosh, and you know, men, and machoism, and domineering, and all this stuff that's not even biblical. If you look at Christ, look at that, bold, yet loving, compassionate, yet firm. I mean, He exemplified manhood.

So the reason I titled it Understanding and Appreciating Roles has a reason behind that. Not just to understand it, but to actually appreciate it. Because we can understand something but not appreciate it.

Yeah, okay, I know the Bible says that, but I don't like it. I sure don't like it. So I want to help us appreciate the roles that God has given us.

But before I do that, my mom actually sent me an email this week and I thought it was funny. You've probably heard it. It's been around forever, but I'm reading it mainly for the younger crowd.

And it kind of sets a tone with where we're at. It's called The Seven Stages of the Married Cold. Have you heard of this? Alright, here we go.

The first year when a person, you know, the wife is sick, the husband comes home. Honey, I'm worried about that sniffle. There's no telling how it could go.

I've arranged an overnight stay at the hospital for a general checkup. Year number two. Listen, sweetheart, I just don't like the sound of that cough.

I've called Dr. Miller. He's on his way over. Year number three.

Now maybe you'd better lie down, honey. There's nothing like rest when you don't feel good. And I'll get you some soup.

Well, I'm trying to hurry up through it. The fourth year. Look, dear, be reasonable.

After you feed the kids and straighten up a bit, then you can lay down. Isn't this true, though? A funny look at a not-so-funny situation. This happens.

The fifth year. Boy, bad cough. Why don't you get yourself a couple of cold tablets and go to bed? The sixth year.

Oh, brother, I really wish you'd stop sneezing. You're going to give me pneumonia. And the seventh year.

You know, if you'd just gargle, you wouldn't be sitting around barking like a seal. And that's what happens. The marriages deteriorate.

What happened? What happened from year one to year seven? Love doesn't leave us. We leave love. It deteriorates after years and years or months and months of belittling and disrespecting and challenging all the time and getting upset and fighting and arguing.

And I love you, but I sure don't like you. You know, that pops in. The marriages begin to be destroyed and the enemy loves that.

And you've got to work at that. It's very difficult, but you have to work at it. That's why Jesus in Revelation would remind the churches to remember.

Remember your first love and return to it. Now, of course, He's not paralleling and I'm not putting it contextually with marriage, but the principle applies that when you remember back, remember Christ is saying remember your first love, remember your fervent desire for Me. Remember when you understood the cross.

Remember when you had a relationship, a passionate relationship with Me. Return to that and then do the works that came from that. And we have to do that in marriage a lot.

But remember, if you start remembering when I started to remember this week thinking about when I met Morgan 12 years ago, 11 years ago and going out and courting and doing these things and just, oh, it brings back memories and love and you start to remember what brought you together, why you're still together, the kids, the children. You start to remember those things because the enemy will come in and drive it apart. And that's what happened, I believe, as an example of the seven-year cold is that's how marriage is because what happens is the course of the world does that.

It'll destroy your marriage. It's like a river you jump into and it'll take you and you have to fight against the current. That is the Christian walk.

It is fighting against the current. The world's coming this way and I must go this way. I fight against the current.

It's not popular. It's not things that the world wants to hear, wants to talk about. It has nothing to do with the Bible.

They don't want anything to do with God's Word or obedience to God's Word. So we're fighting against the culture all day long. Look at the imagery with our kids and what they're seeing today.

What we're seeing today, what we're allowing into our mind, what we're forming opinions on. We don't have a biblical worldview anymore. The culture is shaping us and especially in these roles.

Now I must start here when I talk about understanding and appreciating the roles. You have to understand and I have to understand that marriage is a covenant not a contract. You see the difference there? Contracts are written to my advantage.

I can write the contract based on protecting me. Where the covenant is about the other person and coming together and fulfilling God's will. And you see God, He made covenants with Adam.

The Adamic covenant theologians call it. The Noahic covenant with Noah and the rainbow. The covenant with Abraham.

I will make you a great nation. The Davidic covenant I think with David and ruling and reigning His kingdom. And then Jesus coming in in the new covenant.

God says I will make a new covenant and save my people from their sins. So that's what marriage is. It's a covenant that we make.

We cherish that. We honor that. It's not about a contract where, you know, if you do this and I do this and prenuptial agreements and all these different things.

It's not how can I get out of this but it's how can we make this work. See that's what contracts do. How can I get out of this? I have a contract here so I can get out of it.

Covenant is a relationship. I have swore to you remember? Till death do us part those vows we took. That's a covenant that we have with our spouse.

And that's why a lot of times when I talk to people who are pre-marriage counseling that's one of the things I'll talk about. First I'll talk about your foundation. Where is your relationship with Jesus Christ? That is the foundation.

It all starts there. If that's not there then the rest is we might as well just stop talking. But that's the starting point.

And then the next is I want to know what is your definition of marriage? I mean some people say well they have two incomes two different houses we can get more toys. No, no, no. Wrong course wrong direction.

This is part you have to go into marriage with realistic expectations. They're not going to meet our every need. They're going to challenge they're going to upset.

But that's why it's a covenant. Come hell or high water come hell or high water I will fulfill my covenant to you. You say well that's pretty difficult.

Yeah that's why people should take marriage more seriously more seriously. If the Bible was taken more seriously divorce would come to a halt in many cases because there's not a proof text for we just don't get along anymore I just don't love them anymore I never loved them from the beginning we were really just friends. I mean all this stuff that no fault divorce.

You don't have to have a fault it's just that's if we took God's word more seriously before we said I do we would think about what we're committing to because it's no longer a covenant it's a contract so now everybody's worried how can I get out of this oh gosh is you know biblical do I have a biblical and I'm amazed all the people that ask okay do I have biblical grounds now granted there's times when you need biblical grounds to talk about divorce and separation but a lot of people are looking for the loopholes well this or that and we just don't get along we never really should have got married isn't that okay no it's a covenant you say man this sounds pretty serious yeah that's why before we say I do we have to understand what we're committing to just think if God handled his

covenants like we do that would be scary wouldn't it I know I made a new covenant but here's I'm eradicating it I'm bringing another flood upon this earth sorry changed my mind I can do that I'm God so we have to look at the covenant that's what he did I mean is marriage a burden or a blessing is it a drudgery or is it a joy is it a gift or is it a grief a lot of it happens right here right here how we view marriage and again I know it's challenging I know it's difficult but I want to for a minute just challenge the cultural mindset of what marriage is and what marriage was designed to be by God I want to start though with a little bit of encouragement if you build on the right foundation if you build on the foundation the statistics show that one out of twelve hundred marriages end in

divorce where the husband and wife are reading together and praying and God and Christ is the foundation and he is first one out of twelve hundred they don't tell you those statistics in the news or they'll say oh you Christians your divorce rates the same in the church as the world well yeah but how many number one are truly believers number two is how many of those are building on the foundation of Christ one out of twelve hundred end in divorce and when the spouses are putting God first his word and prayer that's the power of coming together as a couple the next thing I want to encourage you friendship must be sought friendship must be sought a husband and wife will not automatically become friends me and Morgan can tell you that you become almost enemies well compromising here

negotiating here ok we'll just get along and make this work but you've got to become friends talk things through be honest be open confess and work on that relationship to have a friendship there because you're working together face to face not side by side walking different directions but face to face it's got to be a friendship it's got to be sought after you might say this sounds challenging absolutely when the enemy is attacking something you've got to put up your guard when he's coming after marriage you know that the enemy goes about as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour that's his job so he's going to come after that institution he's going to begin to plant seeds in the mind we talked about that last week if you weren't here go online get last week's message because it all

starts here as a man thinketh in his heart so is he before an affair happens it starts here before separation happens it starts here before the big fight the blowout at home where he leaves for a few days right here is where it starts and it can end there with unforgiveness and bitterness and all these things that we hold in and they are like what I said last week a bullet left in the body it's just decaying and the stench and the festering and the cancerous it just leaves that unforgiveness and bitterness do you ever walk into a home where that's present or into a church you can feel it you can cut it with a knife as they say because that it's all up here so it all starts there having that right relationship so now we're going to go into what I want to talk about understanding and

appreciating roles and I'm going to read some scriptures here if you have your Bibles you can turn to Ephesians 5.15 Ephesians 5 well actually Ephesians 5 we'll start in verse 15 but remember as we're talking about this concept of roles the Bible says that God created them in Genesis as male and female see we forget that God himself designated certain roles I've created male and I've created female different qualities different attributes what's the purpose? as a help meet together and the two become one flesh not better than and superior and less than there's none of that it's one flesh distinct in different roles the woman brings more into the family than a man will ever know why do the children want to talk to mom and gravitate towards mom all the time? because she's the loving

compassionate understanding one that helps to nurture them and the dad the dad is more on this side doing other things he should be more involved actually and have that relationship with his children but there's distinction the woman brings compassion the man brings a boldness the woman brings different qualities that the female possess that men don't possess we can be rude we can be I mean a lot of times Morgan will say should you word it that way or you know you might want to call this person and it's like okay I know yeah but it's that complimenting it's that complimenting and I say you might not want to spend so much money over there and we compliment each other actually she's really good at that I'm probably worse but that's what God designed it he designed it this blew my mind when

I really thought about God designed them male and female he gave them different roles different abilities different guidelines different giftings and the two become one but we want that role the man by nature wants to be passive I don't want to lead I want to be lazy my flesh does the woman says okay Genesis I want to lead now I want to be if you're going to falter then somebody needs to pick up the slack here and we reverse the roles instead of understanding how God designed it see there's tremendous peace and joy when we walk in the roles that God has given us if he's created you for a specific purpose and you walk in that role there's freedom there's peace there's joy there's fulfillment when you walk out of the side of that role there's challenges and difficulties and contentions and

fighting against something now hold on we're going to get somewhere I know you guys are thinking okay how's he going to handle this with all these verses on blah blah blah but I'm going to get there but I have to set the stage because I believe that bad examples in the Christian community is why these things have a negative tone to them well look at that you hear about that we're a Christian family in Utah that the husband was so domineering in this and he used that submission verse with his wife yeah he's unbiblical he's out of order he's wrong but the society takes this bad example and like they like to pull out bad examples of pastors falling or Christian leaders falling look look see see and we have all these bad examples of what a Christian husband should be tainting the biblical

definition of it and that's why I think the world looks at this sometimes and even Christian community we look at what Hollywood does and what they're designing and because of bad examples and men dropping the hammer being forceful being angry being upset and saying I'm the man of this house submit to me like the bible says no sir you're in error you're incorrect that's not submission the day you have to tell your wife to do that is the day you need to sit back and take a reality check that's not Christ never said that he exemplified manhood and he submitted to the will of the father and he led but in the spirit of compassion and nurturing and gentleness you don't go around brow beating and yelling and getting upset that's not leadership that's a little child still trapped in this man's

body is what that is Paul said when I was a child I thought I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child but when I became a man I put away childish things and many of us need to begin putting away those childish things getting upset well that's how I get things done no that's not biblical the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God you'll never get anything done right through wrath and anger never there's a such thing as righteous anger I've taught on that before but I'm talking about unbiblical anger and what anger is is we get upset we're not getting our way so I'm going to force it I'm going to get angry and upset and I'm going to make this happen and it doesn't work anger worketh not the righteousness of God so with that said Ephesians Ephesians chapter 5 verse

15 pray for me as I read this let me encourage some of you I talk about this sometimes when it comes to things like this but some of us have got to step on the gas and some of us have got to put on the brake I see some people laughing in this room are passive people there's aggressive people then there's there's passive aggressive people there's subdued then there's social there's outgoing we've got all kinds of personalities in here and some of us type A personalities have got to put on the brakes and stop trying to be forceful and domineering and leading and pushing because that is a type A personality they do that and that gifting can be a curse you have to put on the brakes you have to slow down you have to use patience now there's other people passive men that need to step on the gas

for the love of God do something get a devotional say I admit that I've made mistakes I've admit that I've been somewhat timid and I want to change that help me and get with your spouse and begin to lead like that God doesn't look for perfection thank God or we would never make it He looks for a humble broken heart and some of us the damage has been too great we might say but like King David when he couldn't build the temple God said you shed too much blood and you can't build the temple but in that it was in your heart to build it I'll count it to you as righteousness so and he looks at our heart you're not going to ever get it right the day I can stand up here and go yeah I lead perfectly at home I've got this mastered is the day we're in trouble so that's a healthy tension to have

saying Lord I need your help I need work in this area that's good God looks at that heart so some of us men need to put on the brakes and start being more in this area just being more patient and understanding and loving and other men need to step on the gas and start being the leader that they've been called to be start getting the devotional start leading by example leading your family in the fear and admonition of the Lord it's not a blanket approach that all of us need to step on the gas and all of us need to put on the brakes no some of us are in different spots I talk to some men that are just type A kind of like me and they're just go go go and push push push the family feels pushed they feel he's angry he's upset a lot he's pushing he's pushing you've got to relax and there's

other men that just don't do anything just I don't know I just don't do anything I don't have any motivation to do it you've got to step on the gas but God will honor that commitment to say I need to work on these areas and that's the reason I talk about repentance a lot repentance is just a change of mind that leads to a change of action so if I'm saying things you say oh I need to work on that that's good there's nothing wrong with fulfilling conviction conviction is God saying you need to work on that without conviction we would not change remember I told you guys I don't know a few weeks now when we first started the series that Morgan left this journal thing out I'll just share it again I like to embarrass myself but it helped a lot of people but she left her journal kind of out I

don't know if it was a journal just a piece of paper some time ago I'm not going to say when but it said on there that and I thought it was just some skit she was writing or some little thing you know that it was for the kids or something but it said I've married a man who doesn't care about my dreams and I won't let him do that to our children like is that me? is that me? yeah the dream killer that's what I called it but it wasn't I was doing that on purpose like oh I'm going to kill all her dreams it was like as a man trying to lead I told you this before she was starting a natural makeup business I'm like no too much to worry about taxes I don't want to deal with that and then she wanted to write a blog for women I said I don't have time to edit that let's not do and just keep killing

these dreams you know what I mean that's not biblical that's not a man leading but had I not seen that and got angry I took a what a two hour drive I'm like me?

I do that? yeah but had I not been convicted with that and felt the pain it's like somebody stabbed me with a knife I won't let him do that to our children thinking where in the heck did we go wrong on date night why don't we ever talk about this hello when I say is there anything you want to talk about no where did this come from because I had to be convicted by that I had to see that and be challenged so people conviction is good it's good if a spouse says I need help in this area you need to work on this don't get mad yeah but you did this and you did that say you're right I do I need to and now by the grace of God every time there's an idea or something I'll say it sounds great do it absolutely but see I didn't know I was doing that I was just trying to leave because it is a lot to

worry about taxes I don't have time to edit a blog and I don't you know so that's those are true statements but it doesn't mean that okay Shane's going to fulfill all his dreams I'm going to you know stifle everybody else's so now I've got the kids want to play baseball we're just opening day ceremonies today for three hours running around with him I just love it because we have this time together now and just spending that time you've got to make that time you've got to put that energy and effort into it that conviction had I not seen that that was kind of a changing point on okay I'm being a little bit too firm here in the house you know there needs to be a little more flexibility here and I think that was a turning point hopefully to some things but Ephesians 5.15 how to live Paul is

telling the church in Ephesus how to live he says look carefully then how you walk this is the English standard version this is the this is the new King James version so go figure but I like how it had the ESV words in look carefully then how you walk as not as unwise but as wise making the best use of your time because the days are evil boy that could be a sermon in itself look carefully how you walk not as unwise but as wise he's saying look at how you walk look at how you spend your time walk as a person full of wisdom because the days are evil therefore therefore do not be foolish but understand what the will of the Lord is see we have to read these scriptures in context and that's what I'm doing Paul's laying out to the church in Ephesus look live like this use wisdom the days are

evil know what God's will is for you then he goes into this verse 18 and do not get drunk with wine for what is debauchery but be filled with the Spirit addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs and singing and making melody to the Lord in your heart and the guys might be saying that is a little too well I don't know what Paul's talking about there well basically addressing yourselves in encouraging words psalms you're encouraging people you're lifting them up you're a church filled with the Spirit of God there's too much criticism in the church we're all so critical we're so critical in pointing people putting people down the church has become a gossip funnel the gossip comes in and gossip goes out Paul's saying stop that speak in spiritual hymns speak with joy in

your heart in songs and build each other up and encourage each other that's what should be happening in the church not criticism and critical spirits and then he goes on to say in verse 20 giving thanks always for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ if we're giving thanks if you have a thankful heart it's hard to be depressed it's hard to be upset giving thanks always for everything to God the Father verse 21 here we go submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ see we sometimes avoid that first scripture we want to hurry up and get to the next one wives submit to your husbands no let's read verse 21 submitting to one another what does that mean?

Paul's saying we're to submit to one another we can't avoid that scripture it's there submitting to one another and then he goes on to say wives submit to your own husbands ask to the Lord for the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is head of the church so when we say husband is the head of the wife oh I don't like that word well do you like Christ head of the church? gentle mild meek Christ leading the church? see he's paralleling the two roles there that's how it should be done I'm going to read verse 23 again for the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church his body and himself its savior now as the church submits to Christ our example so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands okay now let's unpack that here's where we get

in trouble myself included sometimes we think of the word submit as I don't know military I mean it's you know I don't like that word our culture does not like that word but in the Greek language it means to accept or yield to accept or yield it's not submitting like we're thinking so it could be read wives will you yield to the role of your husband accept the role of your husband so the wife submits to the role of the man leading the house and I also submit from time to time to Morgan in that I listen to what she has to say we need this type of insurance we need this the kids aren't this I think okay I understand and I submit to what she's saying I can submit to the needs of my family and then she submits to me to lead the family you see how that works it's not some domineering forceful

man saying no you do this it's not like a boss at work it's submitting to the role of the husband Christ has put God has put man as the head of the house and head by the way in the Greek is kephale it means it's not the seat of the intellect it's the source of life the man is the source of life for the home I always say as the family goes so goes the nation as the man goes so goes the family you can see the spiritual condition of a family by looking at the man period I've talked to enough guys to see that it's crystal clear if the marriage is falling apart guess what guys we take some responsibility well that doesn't sound fair well who's fired if the team is doing bad the coach who's fired if a business is failing the CEO we've been given the God ordained role as spiritual leaders in the

home to be responsible for everything not lording over and dominating but that's our role to be the leader in that area and then the wife is the help me to come along and support and what I mean by submitting to my wife sometimes is she'll say things with the bills or the kids are feeling Aubrey our oldest needs more time with you okay I'm submitting to what's being said so I can better lead my family you see what that means I'm not saying forget that that's too bad she needs to suck it up and get over it I lead based on that mutual submission but ultimately I'm responsible to God as the head to lead and give life to the family and what woman wouldn't want to submit to a guy acting like Christ I've never mastered it and I won't on this side of the cross that's for sure but we must die

trying we must so submission isn't this step on it do this submit I'm submitting to Christ I'm submitting to others in the body of believers as well according to Paul I submit to the needs of my wife I submit to you that I submit to the needs of my kids Daddy can I have Daddy time today I need that yes I can I'm submitting to that they're not controlling me I'm submitting to the needs of my family and that I'm spiritually leading that family does that make sense it's not a bad word necessarily it's what we've made of it the Greek understanding is just a yielding to if a little kid running at me doesn't see me I'm going to potaso yield get out of the way for him I'm not saying I submitted to that little kid I got out of the way yielded to the direction he was going and that's how God has

created us male and female she submits to the man just leading being the head of the household if nobody's the head who submits two heads does not look good there can only be one the way that God designed it but with those attributes a lot of times the woman what she has to do is step up because the man's not leading so there's a deficit there she steps up into this role now I'm going to lead the family but God has not created that role to be designed like that he's created the man with those characteristics and you know we're going to read hopefully next week about the woman being the weaker vessel we've got to define that too that just means more fragile can be expensive too she's going to crack easier which is true emotionally doesn't mean better than or weaker it just means she's more

fragile she's made differently so because of that husbands love your wife God has given you the ability to lead she's given her the ability for all these other characteristics and that's how God has designed it so she submits to a role that I'm supposed to be fulfilling according to the scripture what happens is men come in don't want to live their life according to the scripture yell at their wife and then choose to pull out a scripture while I submit to me no sir you better read that in context because you're way out of line there's no proof text for what you're doing to your family zero grow up and repent be a true man repent this is not submission and beating up and lording over submission is actually servant leadership servant leadership I lead by serving my family today was not an

easy day three hours in a little league field with one little boy it was but I had to submit and serve in that area so I can build that relationship that's what a man does it's a servant leader he leads by serving and he serves by leading you might say well Shane easy for you to say you know I wonder what Morgan has to say about it well I've actually had you can come on up hon I actually asked her to give a brief and I haven't even looked at this this is scary I don't know what she's going to say and I said oh here's the mic I think over here I said whatever you know explain how you look at this role of submission because this is funny and she doesn't remember saying this but I remember it clear as day when we were dating exact words I don't want some guy telling me what to do red flags

were blaring blaring blaring blaring and I think it was in this context we were talking about this verse but I think she was saying that's why it's difficult for women because they don't want some guy telling them what to do when really it's not about that because a lot of times she'll come to me I don't tell her what to do but she'll come to me and we'll say what is the best course for our life right now and our family so with that said Russell's going to kind of mute me out and I'm going to let her just briefly talk about what does it mean from her side it's easy to hear me saying it and I hope I should look at the notes real quick but what's it look from the woman's side why submit why not fight against it so with that said we're not going against Paul's warning women shouldn't usurp

authority and teach a man she's just sharing it's not going to I know I'll probably get some emails and things but she's just sharing the word sharing not teaching not usurping authority it's not you guys it's mainly my online listeners from back in Kansas that are err, err, err you know so I'll give her just a brief amount of time and have her explain that issue and then I'll come right back and kind of close out with the ending here so it's all yours yes yes you're brave not looking at my notes you're going to stay up here with me you're going to stay up here yes I would like that um I have a feeling that some of you women might have experienced a really strange sensation of the hair on your arms standing up when you start speaking about submission just because that's the experience

that I've had um let's go ahead and recap what it does not mean can you hear me? loud enough? okay um doesn't mean that your opinion doesn't matter doesn't mean that he's better than you does not mean that you're less of a person men and women both bear the image and likeness of God and uh we compliment each other but as he just read in Ephesians there are distinct roles that we are to appreciate um imagine if your husband just thought of this were always grumpy about having to love you ugh love your wife as Christ loved the church what a terrible role I've been given whose idea was this? but don't we kind of do that as women?

I think we walk around with this chip on our shoulders like ugh I have to submit guess my life's over ugh um and then as I was preparing for this I was thinking okay submission you can't really really address the topic without touching a little bit at least on respect and if you're like I was at the beginning of our marriage um I actually thought I had it down I thought I was okay in that area I was like oh yeah I understand um you know submitting and all that and Shane's thinking wow she really thought she was good in that area not good I had a lot to learn um still have so far to go it's not even funny but a couple things that I have learned in almost 10 years of marriage is um respect starts in the mind and likewise disrespect I think often times can start in your mind what thoughts are we thinking about our husband do they mainly consist of he can't do anything right why'd I marry the guy if I were the head of this household no I'm saying maybe once or twice but um if I were the head of this household things would be so much different so much better right or are you thinking gracious thoughts toward him um you know lord thank you for the areas that you've gifted him him in and help him to grow in the areas that you want him to grow in um and I think if we're always thinking the negative thoughts that definitely comes across in our attitudes in our tone and the words that we speak for sure um one thing that derails proper thinking so to speak is comparing and I think women kind of tend to do that I'm not sure if they do it more than men but I know they tend to do it a lot of you know well gosh her husband does this so much better why can't he be a little more like that and the problem is we often times too often allow our thoughts to take us captive versus taking our thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and we're on a dangerous um territory when we allow ourselves to start comparing because what it leads to is discontentment and what that leads to is disrespect and that's a sin to be repented of which one?

I said it's hard to respect I am that's in here see you could have read my notes um another way we show disrespect or a lack of submissions in our words do you know you question your husband a lot making him feel incompetent or like he doesn't know exactly what he's doing or um you know what we kind of sometimes think are questions can really be translated into these little challenges um and let's just get real I don't know guys you might want to plug your ears for a minute I don't know but women we know a lot of times we know what we're doing I mean there's one thing when we're asking a question because we are sincerely curious we need more clarification we don't understand exactly you know just whatever we really need to know but aren't there those times shaking his head because he

knows exactly where I'm going with this that we ask a question not because we need to know not because there's there's a lack of understanding but we want to make a point we're not going to flat out say you did that wrong how could you have done that that was so lame you know whatever we're not going to just flat out say that we're going to disguise it and manipulate it and turn into a question to make our point and he sees right through it and he takes it as a challenge just something to think about and don't misunderstand me it's absolutely okay to voice opinions and to give advice and you know that kind of thing that's normal that's to be expected but what is your tone when you're doing that because that's huge do you you know say here's where I'm coming from this is what's going in my

mind this is why I feel this way and then kind of you know leave it and kind of let it go or do you push and push and nag and manipulate until you get your way and then do you throw a fit if you don't get your way hey submit and don't throw a fit that's not that's my new phrase submit and don't throw a fit and some of you are going that's so not funny you men probably shouldn't try that at home that will really get you in trouble but us women can think submit and don't throw a fit let's see what else oh how do you speak about him in his absence how do you talk about him to your children in public is he the butt of your jokes who him he wouldn't know what a hammer were if it hit him upside the head he's so not a handy man congratulations you just killed his pride in front of everybody

dishonoring and disrespectful to your husband to be joking about him like that and that was a I had to learn that I'll just leave it there I didn't realize stuff like that anyway let's take note of our attitude are you sound minded calm respectful or are you he's had to emotionally prepare himself before in fact here's where I was going to say that I think at one point Shane was not being particularly affectionate toward me and after a while it was really bugging me so one date night I just said hey I got to know what's going on what is this and his response was it's really hard to be affectionate toward you when you're constantly challenging me and disrespecting me yeah that was hard to hear and at first I wanted to challenge it what are you talking about I don't do that why would you

even say that where's that coming from but he was absolutely right and he said it here's a note he said it as kindly and caring as he could he wasn't like you know he in love said this is why it's really hard you're constantly do that and yeah you were absolutely right on that so I had to repent of that and not perfect I still do that sometimes and or a lot I don't know are we doing better or is it hard to do two of them because even on that note attitude how do you on this issue submission because we're talking about submission how is it you know in our house or just for women general how does how does somebody take that submission and practical terms yeah like oh okay that's nice I should look at the note we're almost there that's almost next I was just gonna say oh yeah that you were

right and Proverbs said it's better to dwell in the house of a roof or let me read that in the corner of a housetop than a house with a contentious woman that guy'd rather live on the roof than be in the same room with her and I think that's kind of how it was for us for a little bit and that's just not okay so let's strive to be the type of woman strive to be the woman that he can lead well does that make sense okay now okay now let's get into practical application I put number one start somewhere surely you can think of something that you admire about him dwell on that for a few days encourage him with that use your words to encourage him hey you're such a great father I love your cooking you can grill a steak like nobody's business I love that about you I'm really thankful that you

know how to work on the cars so that we don't have to pay mechanic I mean take something grab something anything and run with it he's oh I was gonna say be his cheerleader even when you don't feel like it you were on the same team he's not your enemy though sometimes it feels like it he's not your enemy we do have a very real enemy but his name is not husband his name is Satan and he like Shane said he is walking around like a roaring lion seeking which one of our marriages he's gonna devour and he is green gaining ground let's stop him in his tracks he's got no power let's stop him in his tracks on that and then pray how can I grow in this area regardless of what where he's at because God's gonna deal with me we can't deal with him on his own we can't change him we can't do anything we

can't start submitting and respecting in hopes for twisting him around we have to say Lord where do I need to be refined on this topic and then I was gonna say and you know I know they're obviously there's women here or or online who you've been independent for so long maybe you're single right now and you have the privilege of submitting to the Lord submitting to the word of God until he brings that person into your life and that person if he chooses to do so there are women who maybe have an unbelieving husband and you don't trust him to make good decisions and then I know there are those who are marriages are in dire straits and if we were to sit down you would say I cannot muster up an ounce of respect for this man and I'm I get it I understand and I'm not trying to minimize any

painful things that are going the wedge in your marriage the only way that any of us can do this is by his power the only way that you can respect and submit to your husband is by respecting and submitting to the word of God so stay in the word pray like you've never prayed before and watch the fruit of that start to unravel that's good that's good thank you you know the key is and we're open with people you know we don't have the you know the perfect marriage I mean we struggle through issues but our goal is to help show you how to get through some of these issues you know not to just struggle through them and admit but how do we get through these things and I believe a key with with marriage you guys got to be open and honest and up front with each other there's times where you've got

to discuss the hard things and there's times where like if I tell Morgan okay she's got some hard things we need to work out let's talk about these things and be honest be best friends and that safeguards your marriage I'll tell you something that happened probably a month and a half ago this guy who knew her what 12 years ago on Facebook hey how's it been going good I see you've got you know you've been married 10 years you're ready to try somebody new and she came and said hey I got this email I said I'll handle it it's okay I like doing that I kind of said so he wanted to get lunch I said sure I'd love to get lunch and he said I'd love to get lunch with you by the way this is Shane and where do you want to meet and you know it sounds like you need the gospel my friend because you know

then he just went off on this long oh no I just want to make sure she's okay and blah blah blah blah blah you know but had we not been friends and let's work on this and be open that could have been an opportunity hey how have you been haven't seen you 10 years let's get lunch she says hey look at this email I got what do you think you know well I'll take care of this thank you you know and I would love to meet for lunch I wish you would have said yeah let's do that and that was just a month and a half ago or a month ago you know we did this I do the same thing if I've get if I've get you know women emailing me and it's getting to answer against like hey let Morgan handle this you know and she'll talk with you she'll pray with you because you have to have boundaries and safeguards because

the enemy will come in with these little things remember I talked about before he doesn't push you off the building he'll take me down one step at a time one compromise at a time one bad chance he'll take until I'm walking around wondering how in the world did I get here why is my marriage falling apart it's falling apart because I took shouldn't have took the first step I should have been open and repented I love preaching down here again like I used to yeah somebody told me I walked around too much and I can you state the pulpit then I had to get more sermon more sermon notes so no it's it's a good thing but anyway I just wanted to just encourage you guys I know it's a hard topic and we're not going to master it tonight and we're going to talk a little bit more next week of course about

husband's loving your wife and what that looks like but the thing I wanted to leave you guys with is husbands you are the head of the home head of the home does not mean Dominique domineering and forceful and male chauvinism and all these things the head is the source of life men you are the source of life for your family I am for my family and I'm gonna read some real quick statistics I usually read on Father's Day I did last year but I want to do it again because it bears repeating these are statistics as our nation is crumbling now from fatherless homes what we're seeing in our culture today of the nation going crazy perilous times is because of fatherless homes look at some of these statistics and these are from the 1990s men I'm sorry boys from fatherless homes are five times more

likely to commit suicide seven times more likely to become teenage mothers if they are girls of course 25 times more likely to run away 16 times more likely to have behavioral disorders seven times more likely to be in state operated institutions 11 times more likely to commit rape seven times more likely to drop out of school and 16 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager if they come from fatherless homes and let me remind every man in this room you do not have to leave your home to be an absentee father you can live underneath the same roof and be absent relationally emotionally spiritually and we are killing our families I mean that's just the truth it hit me square in the face looking at statistics look at these things reading a book on raising up boys they talk about

the Columbine shootings the El Cajon shootings the Santee shootings where kids are walking in with machine guns and murdering their students it's because the father is absent in the home they're not leading their children they're MIA they're missing in action they're trying to chase their dreams and trying to chase all this and the family is deteriorating the family is being destroyed as a result in our American culture it's all about me exalt me promote me it's about me John the Baptist said he must increase but I must decrease but man we want we're jockeying for position we're trying to get a name for ourselves and recognition while the family is deteriorating that's what the head of the house means to give life to the family so we're either giving life or we're giving death spiritually

we are to be the spiritual leaders of the home the watchman on the wall we are to watch out for Satan's devices not invite him into our homes we're to watch out for him and pray against him not never pray we wonder why marriages are falling apart we wonder why kids are rejecting Christ we're wondering why we're living in perilous times and teenagers are shooting people and murdering them and saying I don't know why I did it it's a culture in chaos and it starts from the headship from the man but this should be very encouraging and this is you as Gabe comes back up and we can close and conclude this message be encouraged because God looks at the heart my kids are grown I've done too much damage you can still build those relationships and foster growth and be the dad you say son daughter

I've not been there in the past but I want to be there now you can build and begin to restore those things no matter where you're at no kids yet you better get ready because it does not get easier not married yet you better get ready because like I said before you don't say I do and then become a man of character who you are before the marriage is what you bring into it period but let me read real quick on Psalms 130 verse 4 out of the depths I cry to you oh Lord oh Lord hear my voice listen to the psalmist some of us need to say this tonight out of the depths I cry to you oh Lord hear my voice let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy if you oh Lord kept a record of my sins who could stand but with you there is forgiveness therefore you are feared there is forgiveness at the foot of

the cross I'm going to preach this every single sermon I get the opportunity to do because we can slide what I said last week you might forget this week we can run to the cross we can say these aren't meant to be oh Shane was so hard he hit us with the hammer it's like got a left punch and a right punch and all this stuff no the point is to get right relationship with God for conviction the Holy Spirit to come in and change us because without conviction saying Lord I need to work on that we would never change just think if we avoided these difficult things and I never talked about things and we left coming in happy leaving joyful wasn't that great and that's there's a time and place for that thank God for encouraging messages and God be building us but for change to occur conviction must

take place the word of God must go in and must pierce the heart and we cry I say Lord I need you I need to work on these areas everything tonight that I taught on I need to work on everything in here being a better husband being a better father but that's what gets me up at 430 in the morning praying for my children praying for my family Lord I need you I need you to move show me show me how to be a man show me how to be a husband protect me Lord guide me shape me direct me pray and protect this church build up leaders that can lead their homes you're contending you're in spiritual warfare and we're walking into the enemy's camp we're going in unarmed untrained and unprepared for the attacks of the enemy and what's happening is we're simply seeing the fruit of what's been happening so is

this time of worship you guys can all stand Gabe's going to do a few songs and we're just going to we're just going to take this time and and pray in your seats if you want this isn't a time to the service is over this is a time to get your hearts right and to pray for your family pray for repentance ask the Lord to begin to shape you and and mold you and build you that's what this time is for it's critical this is the most important time right now do you realize that the message just pierces the heart that prayer time in the worship breaks it and you open you say Lord I need you I give everything to you help me with these areas and ask him to do that this is the most important time of the service I am convinced right now the people that get up go out and go to In-N-Out Burger and miss

this time you shouldn't even came because this is what this is the time where we meet God we say Lord I cry out to you I worship you change my heart change me Lord I pray right now as we conclude the service or begin to build men Lord men of character that will lead their families Lord help us all show us Lord what to do in our homes help women to be to be the help me that you've created them to be Lord give them encouragement strength when they don't want to serve a man that doesn't serve you Lord give them hope and direction have them serve you and look to you and you alone Lord to be their strength and their comfort as they submit to what you've called them to be and we ask this in Jesus name Amen you