Confessions - Book Iii - Chapter I
St. Augustine reflects on his restless search for love and fulfillment apart from God, revealing the emptiness of worldly desires and the soul's deep hunger for divine nourishment.
In this reflective sermon, St. Augustine recounts his youthful struggles with love, desire, and spiritual emptiness during his time in Carthage. He candidly shares his inner turmoil and the deceptive sweetness of worldly pleasures, ultimately pointing to the mercy of God as a sustaining grace. This biographical message invites listeners to examine their own hearts and recognize the soul's true hunger for God.
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1. I came to Carthage, where a caldron of unholy loves was seething and bubbling all around me. I was not in love as yet, but I was in love with love; and, from a hidden hunger, I hated myself for not feeling more intensely a sense of hunger. I was looking for something to love, for I was in love with loving, and I hated security and a smooth way, free from snares. Within me I had a dearth of that inner food which is thyself, my God--although that dearth caused me no hunger. And I remained without any appetite for incorruptible food--not because I was already filled with it, but because the emptier I became the more I loathed it. Because of this my soul was unhealthy; and, full of sores, it exuded itself forth, itching to be scratched by scraping on the things of the senses.[58] Yet, had these things no soul, they would certainly not inspire our love.
To love and to be loved was sweet to me, and all the more when I gained the enjoyment of the body of the person I loved. Thus I polluted the spring of friendship with the filth of concupiscence and I dimmed its luster with the slime of lust. Yet, foul and unclean as I was, I still craved, in excessive vanity, to be thought elegant and urbane. And I did fall precipitately into the love I was longing for. My God, my mercy, with how much bitterness didst thou, out of thy infinite goodness, flavor that sweetness for me! For I was not only beloved but also I secretly reached the climax of enjoyment; and yet I was joyfully bound with troublesome tics, so that I could be scourged with the burning iron rods of jealousy, suspicion, fear, anger, and strife.
Sermon Outline
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I
- Arrival in Carthage and exposure to worldly desires
- Inner conflict between love of love and lack of true love
- Self-hatred for spiritual emptiness
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II
- Craving for love and physical pleasure
- Pollution of friendship by lust
- Vanity and desire for social approval
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III
- Bitterness in the sweetness of worldly love
- Experience of jealousy, fear, and strife
- Recognition of God's mercy amid personal turmoil
Key Quotes
“I was not in love as yet, but I was in love with love; and, from a hidden hunger, I hated myself for not feeling more intensely a sense of hunger.” — St. Augustine
“Within me I had a dearth of that inner food which is thyself, my God--although that dearth caused me no hunger.” — St. Augustine
“My God, my mercy, with how much bitterness didst thou, out of thy infinite goodness, flavor that sweetness for me!” — St. Augustine
Application Points
- Recognize the emptiness of seeking fulfillment solely in worldly desires.
- Examine your heart honestly to identify areas of spiritual hunger.
- Trust in God's mercy even when struggling with personal faults and restlessness.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does Augustine mean by being 'in love with love'?
He describes a restless desire not for a particular person but for the experience and feeling of love itself.
Why does Augustine say he hated himself?
Because he was aware of his spiritual emptiness and lack of true hunger for God despite his longing for love.
How does Augustine describe his experience with worldly love?
He acknowledges it as sweet but ultimately polluted by lust, jealousy, and strife, leading to bitterness.
What role does God's mercy play in this passage?
God's infinite goodness flavors Augustine's bitter experiences, showing mercy even amid his faults.