Samuel No.24 Handling Grief

In this lecture, I'm going to talk a little bit about the theory of quantum mechanics. Just a moment for a quiet reflection, recognizing that as we come in the name of our Lord Jesus, we enter into the presence of a holy God, and our right to come is through His shed blood, and on no other basis whatsoever. Let's just bring to Him the confessions that are necessary for the things that we did that displeased Him, and let's ask that His restorative grace may be applied to our hearts and lives so this next week we may go out into it, fortified, strengthened by what we receive from the Lord right now.

Let's read together from the Word of God, from the second book of Samuel, and the 17th verse. Let's take this reading. Here is David, and he's in a sorrowful condition as he thinks about the death of two friends.

David took up this lament concerning Saul and his son Jonathan, and ordered that the men of Judah be taught this lament of the bow. It is written in the book of Jashar. Your glory, O Israel, lies slain on your heights.

How the mighty have fallen! Tell it not in Gath. Proclaim it not in the streets of Ashkelon. Lest the daughters of the Philistines be glad.

Lest the daughters of the uncircumcised rejoice. O mountains of Gilboa, may you have neither dune nor rain, nor fields that yield offerings of corn. For there the shield of the mighty was defiled, the shield of Saul no longer rubbed with oil.

From the blood of the slain, from the flesh of the mighty, the bow of Jonathan did not turn back. The sword of Saul did not return unsatisfied. Saul and Jonathan, in life they were loved and gracious, and in death they were not parted.

They were swifter than eagles, they were stronger than lions. O daughters of Israel, weep for Saul, who clothed you in scarlet and finery, who adorned your garments with ornaments of gold. How the mighty have fallen in battle! Jonathan lies slain on your heights.

I grieve for you, Jonathan, my brother. You were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women.

How the mighty have fallen! The weapons of war have perished. Amen. God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God entrust me, God But please, have faith and perform the miracles that you would know to be fruitions In sin you will be discussed, the fruit of the fruit of the parable new sin, the power of God's mystery Now I'd be grateful if you'd have your Bibles open at 2nd Samuel and chapter 1. We're coming, as I mentioned a few moments ago, to the end of the addresses that I felt constrained to give you from the first book of Samuel, but it seems to me quite logical to tuck in the event in the first chapter of the next book, because it deals with the demise with the death of two of the characters who have often called for our attention in this series thus far.

I refer to Saul and to Jonathan. Very grateful to those of you who took time out, as several have done, to write to me and say that you've found this particular batch of addresses of help to you. I'm so grateful to know that, and one of the reasons why we have come to the book of Samuel is because it's my conviction that the Old Testament speaks as much as the New Testament to the circumstances of modern men and women.

And in a most incredible fashion, we've been able to look not only into the experiences of people that we've met in the first book, but to see how much their circumstances, their situation relates to our own. Now we'll be coming back probably in the new year to the contents of the second book of Samuel, but from next Sunday week onwards, I'll be bringing another series of addresses in the interim. But this Sunday, closing down our series, brings me once more to deal with a topic that probably by choice I would not be addressing you on.

And it's the narrative that governs the subject matter that I have in mind as it has during these last 23 weeks. We're going to be looking at the challenging topic of handling grief. Handling grief.

Now in my experience, there are few things that have occupied my time pastorally, not only trying to cope with life myself, but in dealing with other people than the topic of grief. You see, sooner or later it will affect you, and indeed it's probably had some impact on 95% of my congregation thus far. The young child is taken from its mother's breasts.

The partner with whom you have gone through many years of marriage is removed from you. A bitter disappointment came to you in your life. Maybe you were crossed in love.

Maybe you were seeking for some promotion and someone else pipped you to the post. Maybe some examinations which you prepared for and the results came through and they did you down. You didn't pass.

Well, that's the sort of circumstance, but particularly focusing in, in the area of bereavement that I want to draw your attention to as we consider the topic of handling grief. Handling grief. Now, our starters are obviously going to be in 2 Samuel and chapter 1, but let me remind you of a very precious scripture in the New Testament, which often I have recourse to, which tells us of our Lord Jesus in the book of Hebrews and the end of the fourth chapter, that he is a high priest of most unusual characteristics.

Verse 15, for we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way just as we are, yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. There set out most clearly in the New Testament is the recourse, is the pattern that we need to adopt, that we need to follow when we are confronted with circumstances which are unpleasant in the extreme.

Grief is a very sour cup for anyone to drink from. And when added to that grief is guilt, then the contents of the cup become even more bitter to take. Unrelieved grief, unexpurgated guilt produce a situation which often causes depression and despondency in the lives even of Christian people.

Now, David finds himself in this condition in some degree. He is a grief-stricken man. Now how does he handle it? You see, if we can get some help from David and supplement the help from the Old Testament character by the clearer revelation in the New Testament, then we are going to be better poised ourselves for dealing with the circumstances that I've just touched upon.

What was the reason for David's sorrow? Well, I remind you he had lost two friends, and I use that word deliberately. Saul and Jonathan. King and Prince.

Mighty men, as far as their courage at the scene of battle is concerned. And it's of Saul and Jonathan that David's lament speaks. As in the opening verse, the 17th and 18th verses, reference is made to this dirge.

He takes up, David takes up this lament and orders that the men of Judah be taught this lament of the bow, as it is written in the book of Joshua. Don't let the reference to the book of Joshua in any way puzzle you. It seems from a previous reference in Joshua to refer to a compilation of secular songs which highlighted the heroism of great men in Israel down the centuries.

But the point that I'm bringing to you is this, that as a result of the death of these two men, David laments, and his dirge is an anticipation of what will flow from the lips of Jeremiah in years to come. You remember that book of lamentations. The reason for David's sorrow, he's lost two friends.

Two mighty men have been felled, and the circumstances behind the death of both King Saul and Prince Jonathan are quite distressing. Now, as David contemplates the death of Saul and Jonathan, he engages in song. Now, have you ever noticed this, my friend, that sometimes in your experience, when you are despondent, one of the things that helps is song.

Perhaps not songs that you sing, but music that others sing to you, or records that you play. Now, this isn't pure psychology. It seems to me that there is good biblical warrant for using music as a means of grace.

On one occasion, a Hebrew prophet will send for a minstrel because he wants his own spirit to be quieted so that he might pick up what he believes to be the word of God. Now, David, on many occasions in his life, because he's a passionate man, he's an emotional man, has used song to help him. The times were when in the cave of Adullam and the cave of En-Gedi, his soul was so depressed that he would turn for his harp and he'd start to pluck the strings, and ultimately he would put his words, his thoughts into words, and he would be helped as a result.

Now, there's a special place of music in handling grief. Shakespeare, in the play Macbeth, causes one of his, one of the characters to say this, give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the awe-fraught heart and bids it break.

In other words, you must express the grief that is within you. Indeed, I would say, pastorally, a failure to express grief can often create great problems within the psyche, within the personality of the mourner. God has given us words and emotions to express the feelings of our hearts.

Take George Matheson, a story that I've often used to illustrate a point from this pulpit, a great man, a hymn writer, and he discovers that he is going blind. And he tells his sweetheart of the problem, of the way that the doctor has indicated that there is no chance of his sight being retained throughout the remaining years of his life. It will get increasingly worse until there's no sight at all.

And she believes that she can't go through life in the company of a blind husband. And so she breaks off the engagement. What does Matheson do? Well, he has recourse to his own room.

And he takes out his pen and he starts to express in words the feelings of his heart. And he directs his words to the Lord God, O love that will not let me go, O joy that seekest me through rain, I trace the rainbow through the rain, and so forth and so on. You see, this has a biblical precedent.

David is doing exactly the same, confronted with the news of the death of Saul and the death of Jonathan. He sings. He puts his thoughts into words.

There's a special place in music, in having grief, I argue. But notice, moreover, that there is an amazing absence of bitterness in David's lament. An amazing absence of bitterness.

Now you see, David has every right to feel enmity towards Saul, has he not? You recall these studies that I've been giving you. I mean, who caused David's life to be so uncomfortable? Was it not Saul? He had him as a fugitive. This man who didn't like the idea of living away from Bethlehem.

He spent years as a fugitive because of Saul. On two occasions, at least, Saul would have skewered David with his javelin. Saul sometimes promised, but he never delivered the goods.

And so we could have forgiven David if in his own spirit, there was sourness, there was bitterness. But when David is dealing with the death of both Saul and his son Jonathan, there is a marked absence of bitterness. Do you remember Mark Antony in the Funeral Oration of Julius Caesar? You know those lines which must surely be in your mind since the days when you were doing English literature at school? Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.

Well, it's not that bit, it's a little further down that I want to go. Where Antony says, for I believe the bad in men lives after them. The good is often turd within their bones, so let it be with Caesar.

But David inverts this, you see, David's not Shakespearean. David looks to Saul, and he takes from his life that which was beneficial to Israel. All daughters of Israel, verse 24, weep for Saul, who clothed you in scarlet and finery, how the mighty have fallen in battle, and so forth.

You see, there's not a trace of bitterness in David's spirit as he's coping with grief. Now, this is a very important point, and I'll tell you why. Because I have discovered many a person who, when bereavement has come, or later on in life, long after the bereavement, is still feeling bitter towards those who dealt with them badly in earlier years of their lives.

Some people who have hang-ups about parents who were not all that they should have been. Some people who have hang-ups about relationships, years gone by where someone was not quite true. And the bitterness in their soul, it grew more and more, and it caused them to lose the peace, and the equilibrium, and the satisfaction that they should have known in life.

You see, bitterness is a very, very bad root to have in your personality. That's why the writer of the Hebrew says, get rid of the root of bitterness. Now, there's no bitterness in David's spirit, as he reflects upon the demise of Saul and Jonathan.

And that's one of the ways to handle grief, my friend. Have no bitterness. Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

The psychology of that is brilliant, as you would expect. The words came from the greatest psychologist, our Lord Jesus Christ. But not only is there an absence of bitterness in this lament of David on hearing of the death of his friends, but David, moreover, jettisons all unnecessary guilt, all unnecessary guilt.

You remember what I said a few moments ago, grief plus guilt become a bitter cup for anyone to partake. Now, why might David feel guilty? Well, we've already said as far as Saul is concerned, that there shouldn't be a vestige of guilt, because that wasn't necessary. If anything, David could have been excused for having feelings of distaste towards Saul.

But what about Jonathan? See, Jonathan is no more. But tell me, where was David when Jonathan died? Now, it's important that we get the history correct. And those of you who were with me last week, you will have at least the advantage on others who are only in this morning.

You see, David had been in the employment of Achish, king of Philistia, for a while, you remember? And the Philistines are moving towards the Israelites. It's going to be one of the great battles of the Old Testament. And David is winding his way at the back of the Philistine army.

And I suggested he had lead in his boots. If ever there was a position that David didn't want to be in, it was within the army of Achish at that stage. Why? Because a little distant away is not only Saul, but Jonathan.

And David is going to be engaged in battle against these two men. But God in his providence overrules, and you recall what happens. David is plucked from that situation because the Philistine commanders object to Achish having David present, and he's sent back to Ziklag.

And in Ziklag, David discovers that his wives and his goods have been taken away, and all the relatives of his men. Now, during the time that David has to pursue the Amalekites to get his womenfolk back and his children back, the Philistines and the Israelites are involved in this major battle, and it's then that Jonathan dies. And would to God that David had been present with Jonathan.

Would that there could have been a look in their eyes, the one directed towards the other as they encouraged each other in battle. Would that David might have been present so that when his friend, his dearest friend, of whom he said his love to me was wonderful, outstripping the love of a mother, outstripping the love of a woman. Would that David could have been there too.

You see, past regrets, my friend, in terms of bereavement, sometimes can cripple the person who has left. If only I had done this, if only I'd said this, if only I'd told him what I really thought or her what I really thought. If only I'd made amends in regard to some situation years ago that I never put right when my friend was called home.

And as a result of this misplaced guilt, you get yourself into such a situation of restlessness, when there's no peace at all. Now, am I speaking the truth or not? Is this not reasonable deduction from behavior patterns represented here in the tabernacle? Now, this is why you ought to learn from David, you see. He does not, in the lament on the death of Jonathan and Saul, he does not retain unnecessary guilt.

There is not a trace of this in the dirge whatsoever. You see, it will be absurd to put Jonathan on the scales and to hold David accountable for his death. But you see, when guilt is on the throne of a person's reason, it can be a very, very harsh tyrant and bring someone, as I say, into an uncontrolled situation of utter depression.

Now, learn from David to have your guilt jettisoned. Learn from David to have an absence of bitterness when reflecting upon the years gone by in your life and the way people have dealt with you. So, as David bursts into song, as he pens this lament, we're beginning to learn certain things that are of infinite value to you and me.

But now I want to take you to the nature of the lament and the instructions that precede it being said. We're going to the 18th verse. David took up this lament concerning Saul and his son Jonathan, verse 17, and ordered that the men of Judah be taught this lament of the bow.

Now, it's very difficult to translate that from the Hebrew. That's why, if you're following the authorized version of the Bible, the impression you'll get is this, that David taught the men of Israel the use of the bow, and as they fashioned bows, they were to sing this song. Now, it seems to me, following Matthew Henry, that you can translate it that way, that the authorized version is reasonably correct.

Or else you can take it as the NIV does, that there was something about the bow that reminded David of Jonathan. And whenever this particular psalm or dirge was sung, it was offered in his memory. Now, let me try to unravel this for you.

Whichever emphasis from the Hebrew is correct, it seems to me, is immaterial because there's one point at which they both converge. What do you know about Jonathan? Well, he was not only a faithful friend of David, he was a very, very great soldier. Ah, yes, but what was his particular expertise as a soldier? Well, you see, he was an archer.

He was a bow and arrow man. You remember in the 20th chapter, in the 20th verse of 1 Samuel, how David and Jonathan have a pact? No time to go into the context, but some of you will remember it from the address that I preach on the arrows. Jonathan indicates to David that it is not safe for him to return to Saul by shooting an arrow further than David might normally have expected the arrow to go.

It was the prearranged signal. Now, Jonathan was an arrow man. He was a bows man.

And if you were to read in 2 Chronicles chapter 17 and verse 17, you will find that most of the descendants of Jonathan's tribe, the tribe of Benjamin, had this as an outstanding quality. They were archers. They were skilled in the use of the bow.

All right, now just hold your attention for a moment at this point. How did Saul and Jonathan die? And the answer is this, they were felled by the arrows of the Philistines. You see, the average Israelite soldier, he was good in hand-to-hand combat.

He was a swordsman. Or like Saul, he was a spear man. But there's a limit to the distance whereby a sword is effective in use.

A javelin is a little better. But better still is the bow and the arrow. Saul and Jonathan are cut down by the Philistine arrows, for they have more archers amongst the ranks of the Philistines than the Israelites do.

Therefore, if there's one lesson that Jonathan can teach to Israel, and this is the reason why this dirge is particularly directed in honour of him, is that he's a bowsman who can use bow and arrows at the right time. And Israel are to learn from this lesson. They are to plug the gap, the weakness of their military strategy.

It's all epitomized in Jonathan, you see. Jonathan has fallen, he is no more. But what Jonathan was and what he represents, it lives on within the minds of the people.

They can learn from Jonathan. Now let's try and just unravel that. Having given you the historical details, let's see what the spiritual application is.

Some of you mourn the loss of loved ones. I know what it is to mourn. To have the phone call at some unearthly hour in the morning and discover this time it's not one of the congregation, though God knows they're precious enough.

But it's from one's own family circle. Can I be personal a little more? I do this not for the sake of piety, but clarity. So allow me this, will you? You know my heart.

Let's imagine for a moment that God in His grace calls me into His kingdom within a short space of time. Now it might well be that some sensitive person here thinks, well, you know that man, he was at the tabernacle in Worthing from 1970, he's done a fair stint. Let's erect some sort of memorial.

Let's get a brass plaque and put it up somewhere in the church. Now, in one sense, one would appreciate that that's a very sensitive and a very kindly thing to do. And yet my own evaluation would be, thank you very much, but really you are wasting your time.

You see, the memorial that I would like, again, if you'll allow this personal illustration to develop a little further, the memorial I really want is that men and women were affected by the truth for which this pulpit stands. You know, young families have a richer, happier family life because they lived out the truth that they were reminded of in Scripture from this pulpit. The older people were able to cope with the advancing years and have the gleam of heaven in their eyes because they were told that the path of the justice of the perfect day is as a shining light which shines more and more into the perfect day.

You see, the memorial that the preacher is after is not plaques on walls, is not his statue somewhere in some Gothic cathedral. The memorial that's wanted is the impact that the preaching has had on the minds of the people who came to listen to what was being said. So here is Jonathan, and he does need a memorial.

He's a great man, the greatest associate that David has ever had. His love to me was wonderful. And it's only the perverted mind of the 20th century that could possibly take homosexuality as being some sort of explanation for the relationship between Jonathan and David.

I'm disgusted sometimes at the liberal commentators. Here is this David, his heart engulfed with grief. Jonathan is no more.

So he sings the song of the bow. The strength of Jonathan was the bow that he used so skillfully. And David will have what Jonathan stood for as a soldier.

To live on in Israel. To make up for the weakness that there is in the Hebrew armor. Now my friend, your loved one's gone.

What did she live for? What did he live for? What was his strength? What was the thing that sort of caused his heart to be stimulated when he thought of the expanse of the gospel? Now the memorial for your loved one is to conserve and expand that for which he or she lived. So that their witness lives on in your active memory. So you're not as in a hold of a ship.

Down in the depths of a depression. Always going through the experiences of the past. But the present and the future are bedeviled simply because those experiences were so wonderful.

That is no way to approach grief. But rather to take what your Jonathan stood for. His strengths.

Her strengths. And live for them. So that in the living for them, your grief becomes easier to cope with.

And the guilt is extracted from the cup. The oil of gladness and the wine of hope causes the drink to be that much more palatable. You see this is how you must handle grief.

This is how David handles grief. This is how, even if your circumstance is not one of bereavement, you are to cope. Crossed in love, did I say, some minutes ago? Pipped at the post when you were seeking for some promotion? Failed in some examination? Then what do you do as a Christian? Stay in the hold of the ship? The dank, damp atmosphere there? No, my friend.

As a Christian, you are called to live on the deck. To climb the steps. To get to the bridge.

To breathe the invigorating fresh air that comes from God himself. There is distance yet to be covered. Sometimes you have to forget that which is past.

Those bitter disappointments. And not allow them to bankrupt your present and to blot out the future. That way the only one who laughs in hell is the devil himself.

Whereas the Lord would take you on into his tomorrow. Into his next week. Into his next year.

You see, this is how David copes with his circumstances. Again, I am not. You condemn me afterwards if you can find one thing that I am sharing this morning that is not directly a conclusion drawn from this passage of Scripture.

If I reject anything that I say that has no Scripture to buttress it. You see, David does not have the luxury of a private grief. You can't do that when you are like David is.

He's got men around him. There's a kingdom to be secured. There's an enemy to be routed.

Jesus Christ did not have the luxury of private grief. You read Mark, I think it's the sixth chapter. Certainly it's Mark's gospel.

News of John the Baptist. Jesus' cousin comes through. Herod has butchered him.

Now Jesus loved John. A blood relative, so to speak. And Jesus retreats to the other side of the sea.

He needs a solitary place to be with John's men and on his own. But there's a crowd that follows Jesus. There was always a crowd that dug the footsteps of the Nazarene.

And when Jesus sees the crowd, the evangelist says, He has compassion on them and he ministers to their need. And in ministering to their need, he ministers to his own grief. Don't you see that? Hiding away on your own.

It's the worst thing you can do when bitter disappointment covers your soul. Going off and allowing your grief to engulf you. We read of the Lord Jesus in Isaiah 53 in three times.

Though translated differently in the NIV version of the Bible. But translated correctly in the authorized version direct from the Hebrew. That Jesus Christ is a man of sorrows acquainted with grief.

Verse 3, verse 4 and verse 10. He bore our griefs. In other words, he has such an embracive nature that all suffer he knows about.

All the crosses that you share, he has experienced. And the way in which you find relief from your own guilt is by identifying, by your own grief is by identifying it with that of the Lord Jesus. To place your cross under the shadow from the old rugged cross.

To take your grief and allow it to be embraced in the wider grief that he felt. Because he's a man of sorrows. And God the Father caused the grief of the world to be passed on him.

Now you see, this is what David anticipates. His greater descendant. His greatest son.

David knows grief. Jesus knows a wider grief. David will not allow his grief to handicap him.

He will not allow bitterness to becloud his judgment. He will not allow an unnecessary guilt to bedevil him. Jonathan's gone.

So has Saul. But life goes on. And David can continue to live in the shadow of his grief.

With the knowledge that his God has his circumstances under his control. As it was for David, so my beloved friend it is for you. You have your crosses.

Other people have greater crosses. And the way for you to get help is by placing yourself within their line of territory, so to speak. So that you can help them.

And discover that within that help you helped yourself. Until the day dawns. When the shadows flee away.

And when you're taken into the presence of God where there is no more grief. No more guilt. No more pain.

No more sorrow. That God guarantees you. On the basis of his word.

But in the interim. He says come along. Move into next week.

And into next month. Use the means of grace that have been given you. Sing your songs.

Get rid of your bitterness. Get rid of your guilt. And in serving others.

And knowing my strength. Move on through life. Until the day dawns.

As David anticipated. When you will be in the presence of God. Forevermore.

Let's conclude by singing another hymn deliberately selected. For our theme 467. 467.

Lord it belongs not to my care. Whether I die or live. A hymn of a great Puritan preacher Richard Baxter.

Let's sing each verse intelligently. 467. Verse 2. Verse 3. Verse 4. Verse 5.