Young Married Couples Meeting

Let's turn to Ephesians chapter 5 and see the tremendous honor and privilege it is to have a Christian marriage because there's a special ministry that a husband and wife have to fulfill which most Christians don't think of. It says in Ephesians 5 verse 30, we are members of his body for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. Now that is a verse from Genesis chapter 2 when God made Adam and Eve.

That verse is quoted there but here he says I'm not speaking about husband and wife. Verse 32, I'm speaking about Christ and the church. Who is the one who left father to become one with his wife? Jesus.

That's what he says here. This is a great mystery. But Jesus left his father and came here to choose us to be his wife.

You got to understand this, the greatness of this. It's like the son of a king who is a prince leaving the palace and going into a slum and choosing a woman from that slum to be his wife. This is exactly how it is and what is that poor woman in the slum think.

This prince is coming, it's almost unbelievable. The wonder of it. Can you imagine how grateful she should be to that prince for the rest of her life? But I wonder if Christians see it like that.

And then it says this is what the relationship between husband and wife is. Christ and the church. If you keep that in mind then go back and read what it says about wives and husbands.

Wives be subject to your husbands, verse 22, as to the Lord because the husband is the head of the wife. And husbands love your wives, verse 25, as Christ loved the church. We got to keep in mind right from the time we are married, I and my wife in our relationship with each other have to demonstrate to the devil and all the demons who are watching us what a wonderful thing it is that Christ is united to the church.

How Christ loved an ugly, ignorant, poor, beggar woman. As a husband I have to manifest that type of love, that's my calling as a Christian. And how the church subjects itself to Christ in unity like the body to the head, the wife submitting to the husband.

This is the picture we must always have in our mind. I have to demonstrate in my life the attitude of Christ and the church. My wife has to demonstrate in her life that church is submission to Christ and the demons are to see that.

So often we only think of ourselves. We don't think that every moment in our home demons and angels are all watching us. One of the great things mentioned in Ephesians chapter 3 is, Ephesians 3 verse 10, God's purpose is that the manifold wisdom of God can now be made known through the church to the evil rulers and authorities in the heavenly places.

That is to the demons and all the angelic authorities that God is showing his wisdom, not by preaching it to them. He is saying, look at these people in my church down on earth, you demons, do you see my wisdom there? And one aspect of that is in our family life. So it's not just a question of do other people in the church think I've got a good family life? What does it matter? They are not seeing us all the time.

The people in the church see us less than 10% of our life, maybe 1%. The other times, it's these evil spirits that are seeing us all the time. What is this wisdom God is speaking about in this married couple here? Keep that in mind all the time.

Because if you keep that in mind, you'll be able to do what the scripture says, to live in peace with one another and to live in love with one another. Remember that you can't come into a good marriage overnight. It takes time because of many reasons.

You are two different people who are trying to come together as one. And you have come from different backgrounds. Your temperaments are different.

Your values are, though you are both Christians, there are many areas where your values may be different. Your way of upbringing is different. And you have spent so many years in another home, another way of life.

And then you come together, even though your husband, your wife is a believer. Yet you must remember, they've grown up with a different sense of values and different things. I'm not talking about sin.

I'm talking about practical things like, for example, keeping a house tidy. Supposing you are married either way, husband or wife, to a person who grew up in a home where they don't believe in keeping everything neat and tidy. And you grew up in a home where everything is neat and tidy and you were taught from childhood to put your shoes and chapels away and to hang up your clothes and do your bed and everything.

And your partner grew up in a home where they say, it doesn't matter, throw it wherever you like and nobody is bothered and it doesn't matter if you don't do your bed, everything can be, you know, untidy. And they say, well, cleanliness and tidiness is not the main thing. The main thing is to be free from sin.

I agree. But after we are free from sin, the next thing is to be tidy. But not everybody understands that because different people have different understanding of what it means to be tidy.

And we have to just allow for time for people to change. So when two people like this come together, you can be irritated by certain things that your wife or your husband does, which is not the way you were brought up. And then you don't say it because you know you're not supposed to yell and all that and you keep it inside.

But there's a limit to how much you can keep it inside. And finally you explode like a pressure cooker. The safety valve is gone and everything is flying up because you kept it inside so long.

You're trying to change the other person to become like you. So the first thing I want to say to you, if you want to have a happy married life, is where there is sin, by all means, talk about it. We must give up this sinful habit.

But if it is not sin, don't change, don't try to change the other person. You'll perpetually, either you'll have fights or you'll always be so inwardly unhappy that one day you'll say something. But if you accept from day one, anything which is not sinful, I'm willing to let my husband or wife be different from me.

It's not a sin if you don't do your bed neatly when you get up in the morning. If you can do it, well and good. But it's not a sin if you don't do it.

The same way different people have different ideas of cleanliness and hygiene. So some people say, well I don't have that standard of hygiene and other people say, no, we must be very careful. We are different but we must bear with one another because we are different.

It's very, very important. Little things can irritate you. I take an example sometimes.

Supposing you're a person, you know, you both share the same toothpaste tube in the bathroom and you're the neat type of person who rolls up the toothpaste tube from the bottom slowly and looks very neat. And your partner is one who just squeezes it anywhere and gets the toothpaste out. And you come next morning and say, it's all messed up like this and again you roll it up the way it should be and the next day again it's all squeezed here and there.

It's a little thing but it can irritate you. You keep quiet about it because you say, we heard in CSC, we have to deny ourselves. How long will you do it? One day you'll explode.

You know what you need to do? Say, this is not sin. God doesn't care how you roll up the toothpaste tube or you squeeze it here and there. That's just one example.

It may not be that in your life. It may be some other area in your life where, which is not sin, but where your partner is different from you. You have to learn to bear with one another.

Otherwise you'll never have a happy married life. Marriage is two imperfect people coming together, brought up in different backgrounds, different values, different temperaments. Now trying to be one, living in the same house, sharing things together.

The only thing serious is sin. That's a favorite expression of mine. The only thing serious is sin.

Remember this. Don't get upset with your husband if he comes one day late from work. There may be a real reason for it.

It's not a sin. Or maybe he forgot to call you and tell you that he's coming late. That's also not a sin.

It's just a bad memory. There are many things we don't think about doing. Because you may have been exhausted at home with your work and if you have small children.

And then you can get so upset that he came late and didn't help you. That's where you have to say, Lord, is this a sin? There may be a real reason why he's late. In the same way, your wife also, maybe there was an urgent phone call that came to your house and somebody told your wife to tell you urgently something and you came home and she forgot to tell you.

And the next day you discover from the other person, hey, didn't your wife tell you this? I told her urgently to tell you. Do you know that forgetting to say something is not a sin? She did not deliberately hide it from you. We all forget.

Don't get upset. I'm not saying we shouldn't correct it. Say, well, please be careful next time.

Write it down somewhere so that you don't forget to tell me. But little things like this, if we get upset and upset and upset, we don't realize I'm married to an imperfect person. You're married to an imperfect wife.

You're married to an imperfect husband. But because you both come to CFC, you heard about pressing on to perfection. But you don't reach that overnight.

It's something you have to climb. It's a mountain to climb. So that's very important to remember different personalities, different backgrounds.

Make allowance for it and don't think that things will change overnight. And with some people it may take longer than others. That's also another thing.

Some people tend to change quickly. Some people tend to change, take a longer time. Make allowance for that.

We tend to think that many times when we find fault with our partner, we think we are the perfect. We've never made a mistake. We're doing it perfectly.

Only he's making a mistake. That's a very arrogant way of looking at it. There's nobody perfect.

We're all imperfect. The partner's imperfection may be in one area and yours in another area. Like I've often said, when new young couples come to meet me, I draw on a paper a picture of an egg.

And then I say, I'm going to break this egg with my hand, not cut it with a knife. When I break that egg shell with my hand, it's all uneven. It's got pokey edges on both sides.

And I said, this is what you are, husband and wife. You've got a lot of things that can hurt the other person, these pokey edges. And he's got a lot of things that can hurt you.

But look at all these projections. There's a strength in you. And if you put those two pieces of the egg shell together, they are perfectly one again.

I said, that's how God brings a husband and wife who are different from each other. And when they come together, they fit perfectly. That means one person's strengths covers the other person's weakness, and the other person's strengths cover your weakness.

It's wonderful if you realize this. Now, you can say this is all wonderful theory, Brother Zak, but it doesn't work in my home. Well, it will work if you understand.

I'm trying to lay a foundation. I'm trying to lay a foundation in your mind so that from there, you can work on improving your marriage. God wants you to grow to have a perfect marriage.

And that may take 30, 40 years. Don't give up. It's like climbing a mountain.

If you work at it, every year you'll be higher than the previous year. You'll love each other more. You'll be able to bear with each other more than the previous year.

And your marriage will be such a blessing to each other and also to other people who visit your home. You don't have to give anybody the impression that you have a perfect marriage. No.

I don't think there's a single marriage in the world that's perfect because it can be perfect only if both husband and wife have become like Jesus Christ. There's nobody on earth who has become like Jesus Christ. My life is not perfect.

My ministry is not perfect. My marriage is not perfect. The way I brought up my children is not perfect.

I will be perfect one day when Christ comes back. I'll be like him completely. And I must be humble enough to acknowledge that till that day, I am an imperfect person.

In the church, I deal with imperfect elders. In a home, I work with an imperfect wife who has to work with an imperfect husband. We recognize this all the time.

It'll be easier. Don't ever get into your mind that you are more perfect than your partner. You may think you are because you see certain areas where you are better than him or her.

But the other person can also see areas where he is better than you. But you don't see it. This is the great problem.

So always remember that your imperfection, that your partner's imperfection proves that you've also got imperfections. I also want to tell you that we're not able to see our own faults clearly. It's like there's a mark on my face, a black mark.

I can't see it. It's there. There's a black mark on my back.

I can't see it. In many parts of my body, I can't see. But it is there.

Something ugly, something black. But another person can see it. It's like that with our weaknesses.

You may think, yeah, I look okay. Maybe you do. But somebody else can see you.

Something there on your face. Remember that also in marriage. There are things in you which are a source of irritation to your partner.

Maybe he or she is keeping quiet, so that's good of them. But there's still an irritation to them. That recognition will help you to bear with that person's irritation in your life.

I remember many years ago I was thinking like this in dealing with a certain brother that he seemed to have a particular weakness. And it bothered me because when I tried to deal with him, I found there was this problem always coming up, this particular weakness. And the Lord said to me that you have a weakness too, which you don't see.

You see his weakness. For example, I'll tell you. One of the things that I saw in the church early days was how people were so lazy in coming on time for the meeting.

I mentioned this before also. I would try to be on the meeting on time, but the Lord said that's because you were in the military. You always knew how to come on time.

These people have not been there. And also, if you have the spirit of a servant, you say you got to be on time, but the others can come when they like. And also some people may have small children who just when they're about to start for the church meeting, maybe one of the children want to go to the toilet.

What do you do? You'll be late. There could be delays on the road. There can be many reasons why a person is late for a meeting.

So I've learned not to judge them. In the same way, if somebody makes an appointment with you and doesn't come on time, it's very easy to get irritated. I told him so and so time he's not here.

There could be many reasons why he couldn't come. So I would say we need to recognize that also in our marriage relationships. When I see a weakness in another person, what the Lord told me then was, okay, maybe his weakness is he's not punctual.

Your weakness may be in some other area. So if you have to bear with him in one area, he's got to bear with you in another area. Once you recognize that, your fellowship becomes wonderful.

So if you can recognize that in marriage, you see a particular weakness in your wife or your husband, and you say, I've got to bear with that. He's always like that. Doesn't seem to change.

Or she's always like that. She doesn't seem to change. That should be a constant reminder to you that you've also got a weakness which the other person is bearing with all the time.

But never said anything. Very graciously, she never said anything. He never said anything.

But he's bearing with it. So if you both learn to accept that, gradually, you'll become more and more one with each other. And don't think this bearing with one another is a very painful thing.

Once you grow up to the place where you love one another, really love one another. The Bible says love bears all things. 1 Corinthians 13 It can bear anything.

Because you come to that place of love. Think of a mother. The greatest example of love the Bible speaks about is a mother's love for her newborn baby.

Think of the problems a mother has with a newborn baby. Morning till night. It wakes up in the middle of the night so many times and messes up the diapers and messes up the floor sometimes and cries and gets sick.

But the mother just bears with it. It's a terrible thing if the mother gets fed up with this child and says, why in the world did I have this child? A good mother never says that. She just bears with it.

So it's possible to bear. Why does that mother bear with that child and never say even once why in the world are you like this? Why do you always trouble me? Can't you be a little better? Can't you sleep a little more at night instead of waking me up so often? Why does a mother not say that to her child? Because she loves that child. But why does she say that to her husband? Because she doesn't love her husband.

I tell you that's the reason. You may think you love your husband or you love your wife but you actually don't. You love your child.

Particularly when it's a baby. So when you love someone exactly like it says in 1 Corinthians 13, you can bear everything. A person being completely different.

You say, okay Lord what is the reward God gives you for bearing with your partner like this? The reward is that you become more Christ-like. There is a reward in everything that you do. When you obey scripture, I'll tell you something.

When I do something to please the Lord and in order to please the Lord I have to deny myself or die to myself. Do you think God will leave me without a reward? No. It says if we die with him we will live with him.

So there's a reward God gives us in the sense that we become more Christ-like. You will become more Christ-like. And if your partner also goes that way gradually you'll become more and more Christ-like in your relationship with each other.

And then it will be a glorious home. And who will be blessed through that? First of all your children. What is the greatest inheritance you can give your children? It's not money.

I'll tell you that. Children who get a lot of money ruin themselves. You know all these children of rich people.

They really ruin themselves with plenty of money. The greatest inheritance you can give to your children is the atmosphere of a godly home that they have grown up in. They can grow up in that atmosphere.

That is an inheritance you're giving them. That they go away one day from your home and they get married. And they say hey I'd like to build a home now exactly like the one I grew up in.

That's an inheritance you've given them that will do a lot more good to them than money or even education. That they can have. So that's why when we have built a good home ourselves, we can reproduce it in our children.

Our children observe a lot of things from a very young age. And there are impressions in their mind that they will overlook all our mistakes if behind it all they see a godliness and a love in the parents. I made a lot of mistakes as a father.

I don't think I brought up my children perfectly. I can think of many mistakes. I should have spent more time with them.

I should have taken them out now and then alone and maybe prayed more with them. I did what I could. But I don't think anybody is perfect.

But I did one thing. I prayed for them. I prayed that God would lead them to be godly.

But there are many things. Any honest father or mother will say as they look back over their life, I could have done it so much better. I think even in my marriage.

If I had known the things I know today, when I got married if I had started like that it would have been so much better. But I mean we were in a church and never had any marriage seminars. There was no question of teaching married people how to live.

I think most Christians in India are like that. But it's good that we can talk about these things here. So please remember this bearing with one another is a very very important area in marriage.

And when it becomes too much remember what we said earlier this morning. God will never allow you to be tested beyond your ability. That's a great verse.

1 Corinthians 10.13 to remember. If you bring God into your home there is too much weakness in my children and so many things problems in school. Never never does God allow us to face a trial which is too much for us.

He will always provide a way to the solution to every problem. I think God has a solution to every problem. It's one of the things I've learned through my life.

God has a solution to every problem. Some of you grown up children you may be finding it difficult with your children. I want to tell you God has got a solution to every problem.

Don't give up. And if you go to God in prayer he will answer. You know there are things we pray for our children.

There are things now. We don't stop praying. Once your children get married you start praying for your grandchildren.

But think if you have a particular problem in your married life or with your children and you are praying about it. Supposing you go to God and say Lord you said that if I ask in your name you will grant it. And I'm going to keep on asking like the widow who went to the judge and kept on asking.

Asking, asking, asking. Men should pray like that. You say Lord I'm going to be praying like that.

Not to make life more comfortable for me. It's very easy for you to pray. Lord change my partner so life will be easier for me.

No. Your goal in life is not to make life easier for you. We just heard in the morning of how Paul had so much difficulties in his life.

So an easier lifestyle and way of life is not necessarily the best for us. But Lord my home is not glorifying you. The way I and my partner are living is not glorifying you Lord.

That's what I want. That's how we should pray. Lord the way my children are growing up is not glorifying you.

Forget about what people say. What people think about your children is absolutely unimportant. Worth zero.

Say Lord they're not glorifying you. That's why I'm praying. Lord our marriage is not whether other people in the church know anything about it unimportant.

The demons are watching us all the time Lord and I'm not glorifying you before Satan and the demons are watching our life at home. I wanted to glorify you. Keep this in mind.

Keep that which the Bible says. Then one or two practical things. You know the first commandment in the Bible, the very first commandment of any type in the Bible not what God told Adam don't eat of the tree of knowledge.

That was not for all humanity that was only for Adam. But the first commandment for all humanity in the Bible is in Genesis 2 It's a command that God gave before sin came into the world. Once you come to Genesis 3 sin has come.

After that the rest of the Bible is all commands given after sin came into the earth. But which is the only command given by God before sin came into the world in Genesis 2 There's only one command God gave for humanity before sin came into the world and that's in Genesis 2 verse 24. A man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife they shall become one flesh.

Now remember Adam did not have a father or mother. So why is that verse coming there? It says in the previous verse that Adam got his wife and they became a man and woman. But what has it got to do with father and mother when Adam doesn't have a father and mother? He doesn't have to leave anybody.

It is written for the rest of humanity, the rest of us and if you recognize that God considered this such an important commandment that he gave it before sin came into the world then it must be really important and if you were to ask me which is the commandment which particularly in India Christians disobey married couples it is this commandment Most married couples are more attached to their own parents than they are to each other. Here it says you got to leave and then cleave If the leaving is imperfect the cleaving will also be imperfect So the first question you need to ask yourself you wonder why you and your partner are not cleaving more to each other. Ask yourself have you done the leaving properly? If the leaving father and mother is not proper the cleaving will also not be proper This is really true in many many many Christian homes What does it mean to leave your father and mother? When my wife and I got married as I said we were so poor we could not even afford house rent.

I had given up my job I had given up all my savings to God's work and I used to work among villagers and students I used to get very very little and whatever my wife had compulsory one year to work in the CMC hospital in Vellore and you know how much doctors were paid those days 290 rupees a month and we sent it all to her father because he had many other children to educate so our income was very little. We couldn't afford rent so we lived in one little room in my parents home Did I leave my father and mother? I did because I was not emotionally attached to them even though we were living in the same building The point is not physically leaving Some of you leave your father and mother physically and live in another house but your attachment to your father and mother is still there so the leaving is not physical primarily I learnt that in my life but my wife and I would make our decisions. This is right at the beginning of our married life You can't prevent parents from coming and giving you advice and you must listen to them.

Some of that advice can be very good because they got a lot of experience on this earth so listen to your parents, sure but be wise. Supposing your dad or your father-in-law tells you something after you are married as to how you should live or where you should go or what you should do and you don't agree with it Let me give you some advice. Don't get into an argument My dad used to give so much advice to my wife.

She listened Her father would give me so much advice He was a very strong man but he didn't realize I was also a strong man so he would tell me so many things and I would listen, listen, listen. Never argue with him We'd go home and I'd never do anything that he said So, next time we met again he would tell me so many things. I would listen, listen, listen Never argue.

Once we went away, we never listened to him. We did what we wanted. Finally he gave up So, isn't that a better way than arguing and saying no I don't agree with you and don't try to run my life Why all this? Just keep quiet and don't do what they say Take what is good My point is you and your wife must decide together My wife and I decided what we were going to do My dad had certain other plans, good plans for her and for me.

I said no But that was decided between me and my wife and I didn't get into an argument with my father or her father That's what I mean by leaving and you can do that even if you are so poor that you have to live in the same house but most of you don't have to do that Don't let your parents by remote control run your home The earlier they recognize that you have left, that doesn't mean that you don't care for them The great example in married life is also Jesus. Jesus was never married but I'll tell you how he is an example One day when he was 30 years old, he got baptized and he left his home in Nazareth moved to another town called Capernaum and rented a house there. That's where he lived for the next three and a half years and the very first instance you read at the marriage in Cana his mother says, son, they don't have any wine and he says, woman, what have I got to do with you? She must have got the shock of her life because for 30 years he would have only said, yes mummy, yes mummy, yes mummy, I'll do that immediately yes mummy, yes mummy, yes mummy, yes mummy and all of a sudden, he turns around and says, what have I got to do with you? He had left his home he was now married to his father in the ministry That is a picture of how we leave our home as men and get married to our wives and we have to say, you don't have to call your mother woman, but he was a son of God, he could do that say, mummy, we'd like to run our own life I really appreciate you.

I say, whenever you speak to your parents and you have to disagree with them, always start by saying true things that you are really grateful for not flattery, but things that you really appreciate your parents for, for all that they sacrificed and did for you from the time you were a baby, helpless baby they took care of you, educated you brought you to the place where you have a job so many things you have to be thankful for, when you were sick they looked after you, everything that you can think of and say that you really love them and appreciate them but, you would like to do things a little differently now that you are married if you say it like that, it will be much better than the rude way some people say, don't try to interfere in my life we must never be rude to our parents we

must honor our parents till the end of their lives so that's very very important and that also you see in the case of Jesus, that though he told his mother don't interfere in my life, when he was hanging on the cross he took care of her so, it's right to take care of our parents when they are weak and sick and old as much as you are able to among all the children Jesus had four brothers and two sisters, but because he was the oldest he took that responsibility saying I got to care for my mother so that's the balance, that you don't let them interfere in your life but you care for them and provide for them, if they are in financial need you must help them and that's where there can also be tensions between husband and wife why are you sending money to your parents there are real cases like

that there are questions sometimes I have asked my wife does not allow me to send any money to my parents and they are in need they spend so much money on me educating me, that's why they don't have enough money now I said ok, the Bible says don't let your left hand know what the right hand is doing so, don't let the left hand know what the right hand did in sending some money to your parents and help them and you don't have to tell your wife about it it irritates her and upsets her you know, there are different theories on this some people say you must be 100% honest with your wife about everything, that is the ideal and if you are both a perfect husband and wife, that is the best without a doubt but if you are dealing with an imperfect partner then you have to choose something which may

not be ideal for the sake of better fellowship because you are not cheating on her by sending money to your parents, you are doing something legitimate and good but she may not appreciate it enough and then there is no need to tell her of course if she asks you, you have to speak the truth, you don't tell a lie but what I mean is, if you think that something you say will upset her don't unnecessarily say it and put a weight on her head that she can't get rid of I believe we must walk in the light but the Bible says that we walk in the light in order to have fellowship if we walk in the light it says we have fellowship so the whole purpose of walking in the light even between ourselves is to have fellowship, if the fellowship is broken then your so called walking in the light is not

helping fellowship, it is breaking the fellowship so you have to think about, is this which I am going to say to my wife or husband going to build fellowship or break it? our aim must always be to build fellowship so we must be wise in the things that we say to one another, now don't misquote me and go around saying that it is ok to be dishonest with my wife no that is not what I meant, that is not what I said all I say is seek for that which will build fellowship, remember that your wife is a weaker vessel something like, don't make her carry the heavier suitcase, if you got two suitcases I know in the villages the men will make the wife carry the heavier suitcase on the head but we have got a little more sense here the husband must carry the heavier suitcase and let the wife carry the

lighter one so just like you don't put a big burden on her head some information that you can give to your wife can be a big burden on her head, why give it? for example if you are under tremendous pressure in your office and you are in danger of losing your job, if your wife is a really spiritual woman, by all means share it and say let's pray together, but if she is not so spiritual she won't be able to sleep at night for the next few weeks after hearing that you are losing your job, you put a burden on her head which she cannot bear so this is not a standard law, you must decide what is the spiritual level of your wife and what can I tell her which will not be like a big one ton weight on her head that she can't sleep with at night, some things you got to bear yourself there is nothing

wrong in being dishonest in not revealing certain things, I mean I remember when I was in the Navy, there were certain secret things that codes and communication and all, which I was not supposed to even tell my fellow officers, I had to keep it to myself so definitely I am not allowed to tell my wife in the military it's like that, it's not dishonesty it's against the law to reveal secret military matters, so am I being dishonest with my wife?

No and why should I burden her with things, so please remember this principle that the purpose in all communication is to build better fellowship and don't burden her with things which may destroy the fellowship or which may be a big burden to her, you are doing it out of love it's like you don't make her carry the heavy suitcase, you don't burden her with things which she can't lift so if we keep these little principles in mind that I want to build fellowship more, that's our aim in everything is to build better fellowship and I withhold certain things that will destroy the fellowship keep that in mind, also you know supposing your parents have a certain opinion about your partner that's one of the clear examples where you should not tell your partner that supposing your parents tell

you, I think you got a pretty stupid wife are you going to be honest with your wife and tell her that you're stupid if you go and tell your wife that, you don't say that you got to conceal that, why are you being dishonest with your wife by not telling her what your parents said, no you're trying to build fellowship, in many many things you have to be very careful here that fellowship doesn't get worse as a result of something that you said so in the matter of in the early days of our married life, your young couples especially God gives you a few years before your little children grow up, where you learn to live together in peace every married couple will have fights in the first few years of marriage am I right or wrong everybody is quiet I'm absolutely right, it was right in my life

because we were imperfect, in those days we didn't even know about victory over sin, even if you know it, because we are trying to live together it's not that we hate one another, no we don't but we haven't got victory that's why we get upset, get angry raise our voice, what is the solution, the solution is be quick to ask forgiveness be quick to forgive and this is a fundamental law in the marriage don't talk about past failures on either side don't remind each other about past failures unless you want to destroy your marriage now you may say I understood that I'd like to see if you are going to obey it from today onwards it's a tremendous temptation when you are irritated to remind your partner of past failures and that's not good even God says I will not remember your sins anymore it's

not that God has forgotten there is a difference between God saying I have forgotten your sins and I will not remember it anymore if somebody has hurt me, there are many people who have hurt me in my life or tried to hurt me, God made it work for good but I remember it, but I don't hold it against them if I see them, I won't tell them hey, you are the guy who did this to me in 1983 no, that's not, I remember it but I don't hold it against them, I say like God I haven't forgotten it but I won't remember it against you, that's what God says God hasn't forgotten anything and I'll prove it to you, supposing God forgives all your sins today and tomorrow you don't forgive somebody how does he put all your sins back on your head if he has forgotten it? he hasn't forgotten it you know the story

of the king who said all the debt is back on your head because you didn't forgive your fellow slave, so God doesn't forget but he says I won't remember, that is the standard for you you may never forget in all your life all the wrong, evil things that your partner did in your marriage but you must not hold it against them that's what I'm saying, you can't do anything about your memory but you can do something about your attitude I'm not asking you to change your memory, I'm asking you to change your attitude which is, I won't hold that against you somebody has apologized for something and asked forgiveness, end of matter I agree, if they have not apologized you can still forgive, of course but a marriage won't be so good if some matter is not settled, we must forgive everything we must

not wait for someone to apologize before we forgive your partner, husband or wife did something which was really wrong and you say your attitude must be okay, it's alright, I just forgive it, I ignore it but until that person apologizes if they are ignorant of it, sometimes we can do things in ignorance, they don't know it's wrong then it's okay, but if they know it's wrong and they don't apologize you must still forgive but the marriage will never be what it should be I want to say to you that if you know you have done something wrong you know Jesus said, you come to the altar and you give an offering to God and there you remember you hurt somebody, it may be your husband, it may be your wife, it may be someone leave your gift there, God doesn't want your gift, go and settle that and

come back, so there we learn something that if I remember if I don't remember something, it's okay, but if I remember that I have hurt my husband or wife, I must go and settle that, it's something we must do immediately God is not even going to listen to you after, from that moment onwards, God will not listen to you now I also say very often we can hurt one another without knowing it, that's a very common thing in marriage it's called misunderstanding you say something and the other person took it in another way, that happens among brothers, it happens in husband and wife, you didn't even have that in mind, but that person got that impression and there can be misunderstanding and maybe they don't say it immediately and a little later it gets exposed and you say, hey I didn't mean that at

all, far from it, that can happen and that can happen both ways so we must be merciful, mercy is a very very important quality in marriage be merciful to one another as God has been merciful to you, it's one of the first plaques we put up be merciful to one another as God has been merciful to you very very important to remember that our calling is to treat others just like God has treated us that way you can build your marriage, each must be merciful to one another the thing that competes with mercy is judgement see James chapter 2 it says in James chapter 2 and verse 13 if you are not merciful to other people it says your God will not be merciful to you I want God to be merciful to me in the day of judgement because even if I am free from conscious sin there are so many other unknown

sins I am guilty before God of a whole lot of things I don't even know so I want God to be very merciful to me, not only in the day of judgement I want God to be merciful to me right now and it says God will be merciful to you if you are merciful to other people I'll tell you this, the way you treat other people is the way God will treat you we've had people working in our home I never call them servants, I always call them helpers and as far as I know I've tried to be merciful to them, to be kind to them to anyone who worked in my home exactly the way I wanted God to be towards me and I've seen that if I'm kind to people who are beneath me in society, like a servant who works in your home I've seen that God has been exceptionally good to me learn to be kind to people who are lower than

you in society and you'll find amazingly God is very kind to you, I've seen some people who imagine themselves to be very spiritual who are very hard on their servants at home even in CFC it always goes badly with them they may not leave the church, they may be there but look back over your life and see when you find God being hard towards you, ask yourself have you been hard to somebody who was lower than you in society maybe you're reaping what you've sown it says your judgement will be merciless to those who have not shown mercy to others I preach very high standards according to God's word but I've learned to be merciful to people to me it's a major part of my New Covenant understanding and you know it's mercy also that brings physical healing I've always wanted to be free from

sickness, not for myself but so that I can be fit to travel and serve the Lord I say Lord I want to be healthy only for one reason, I want to travel and serve you, no other reason, for that I need mercy let me show you a verse in Philippians chapter 2 Philippians 2 it says it's talking about a full time worker who was serving the Lord, Philippians 2.25 I thought it necessary to send you Epaphroditus my brother and fellow worker and fellow soldier who is also your messenger and minister to my need, he was longing for you all he was distressed because you heard he was sick he was so sick to the point of death that means a very fatal sickness but God had mercy on him, see the word mercy and on me also and now he's recovered I'm going to send him to you how did he recover from his sickness

which is almost to the point of death that means he was one foot in the grave and he came out God had mercy on him, why? because he must have been merciful to others, that's a law blessed are the merciful for they shall find mercy so I say if you want to be in physical health be merciful to others and that is a selfish reason for being merciful, the good reason is that God has been merciful to you so it's very important in marriage especially to be merciful to one another and I'll tell you it'll make a tremendous difference in your physical health and it'll make a tremendous difference in many many areas of your life and you'll have more grace to bring up your children properly, so since I'm talking mostly only to young couples primarily now, I don't want to talk too much about bringing

up children that's at a much later stage in your life, but I would say one thing we must teach obedience to our children from the time they are small, from the time they are one year old because they understand the word no, I think no is one of the first words that children understand I've discovered that, I saw that with one of my grandchildren you know when grandchildren grow, we forget about how our children, our children are also the same when they were small but it's like a re-education of how children are so one day I saw one of my grandchildren going near this staircase, it was too small, it was probably one year old and too small to climb, the child would have fallen down and the father or mother said no so it understood, it didn't go the next day, I saw the child going near the

stairs and looking around to see if anybody was watching, it remembered that is the day I understood, even a one year old child understands the meaning of no so remember that it's for their protection that we have to teach them obedience I was very strict from a very young age for my children for two things obedience and speaking the truth never tell me a lie, I don't care what you did worst possible thing but tell me the truth I may not punish you, I may just ignore it and leave you teach your children to obey you one hundred percent and never to speak disrespectfully to you and usually they are more afraid of the father than the mother but when they are young they will be equally afraid of both it's good when children are young that you don't let them speak disrespectfully to you even

when they are two or three years old tell them that's not the way to speak to daddy or that's not the way to speak to mummy sometimes it may not require a spanking it may just require go and sit in your room and what my children when they are disciplining their children they call it time out I used to tell them go and lie down in the bed for half an hour so they take it seriously I remember one of my grandchildren was time out sitting facing the corner of the wall and Annie went to him and said grandma don't come I'm on time out I have to sit here they took it seriously for half an hour I'm not supposed to see anything but this blank wall we don't have to physically punish them every time but some type of discipline that you know that you don't appreciate that disobedience or that

rudeness honor your father and mother is the first commandment the Bible says in Ephesians 6 the first commandment with a promise you shall live long on the earth God will bless you it will go well with you honor your father and mother that it may go well with you do you want it to go well with your children then teach them from age 1 to honor their father and mother by obedience by speaking the truth and speaking respectfully these are simple things but if we try to follow these simple principles that I have just said in 20 years you will have a good marriage not tomorrow but it will get better and better and better I'm saying 20 years so that you don't come next year and say hey brother Zach my marriage is still in a mess don't worry it will take time to build a happy marriage but if

you work at it I guarantee you will have a wonderful marriage by that time your home will gradually become a fortress of heaven without any yelling or screaming over a period of time don't get so condemned about raising your voice at your children you know a 3-4 year old child he doesn't understand soft speech I mean I used to I saw that with my children I'd say drink your milk no response, drink your milk no response, drink your milk no response, drink your milk immediately you know why it's like if I was speaking to them in Hindi you don't understand Hindi what to do so in English there are two levels of English children understand one is soft English and the other is firm English they are two different languages all together so they didn't understand my first language that's why you

can't blame the child it was like I was speaking to them in Gujarati or something when I spoke to them in the language they understood they acted immediately so that is not a sin I mean it's just like if I speak to them in the language they understand that's not a sin so don't condemn yourself for raising your voice because that's the language they understand the other way I look at it is supposing someone is 100 meters away and I say hey I want to speak to you I'm not angry with him he can't hear me if I speak softly he can't hear so sometimes I found when my children are sitting at the table they are physically there but their mind is about one mile away they can't hear me poor child is one mile away can't hear me when I raise my voice ah he hears me because he was at a distance so I'm

not raising my voice because I'm angry I'm raising my voice so that he can hear me so that he can understand my language I say that because some parents condemn themselves oh I raised my voice I asked him this question do you hate that child of yours no you don't I said then you're okay don't condemn yourself but don't use that towards your husband I'm only talking about the way you should speak to your children your husband is not so stupid to be one mile away he's right there you can speak softly