Embittered (4087) (pikraino from pikros = originally meant pointed, sharp and then more generally of what is “sharp” or “penetrating” to the senses, like a pervasive smell, a “shrill” noise, a “painful” feeling) means literally to make bitter (as of waters that are bitter to the point of being undrinkable). To produce a bitter taste in the stomach. Figuratively pikraino means to have "bitter" resentment or hatred toward someone. To exasperate or to become angry. To grieve (see uses in Ruth below). Jamieson says that embittered means... ill-tempered and provoking. Many who are polite abroad, are rude and bitter at home because they are not afraid to be so there. Bitterness refers to that which is caustic, resentful or sarcastic. The English dictionary (Webster) describes being bitter as one who exhibits intense animosity, who is harshly reproachful, who is marked by cynicism or rancor and finally as one who is intensely unpleasant. The recipient of another's bitterness experiences an emotion (in words or actions) that is distasteful or distressing. Something that once was good has turned "sour!" Oh, how many times this happens in marriages! These things ought not to be! Clearly, husbands need to depend on the indwelling Word and the indwelling Spirit to lead like Jesus and not be embittered when circumstances might arise that provoke this fleshly attitude. John Phillips - We must avoid allowing that kind of bitterness to sour our marriage. Most of us have irritating traits that exasperate others. Unless we deal with them, these traits, within the narrow walls of the home, can become destructive and turn the marriage to wormwood. The irritating things might be big or little. A sneering attitude by one partner toward the other partner's spiritual interests, economic needs, or emotional and physical desires will do it. On the other hand, it might be something as casual as the way one raises an eyebrow. The look on the face, perhaps, will do it, or the tone of the voice or the way a deaf ear is turned when the other is talking. These minor irritants might be done unconsciously, carelessly, and with no deliberate desire to annoy. They are, however, the little foxes that spoil the grapes. Solomon (with much experience of marriage and its problems) advises that these foxes be caught the moment they appear (Song 2:15). (Exploring Colossians) Adam Clarke's comment is pithy... Wherever bitterness is, there love is wanting. And where love is wanting in the married life, there is hell upon earth. Pikraino - 4x in the NT here in Col 3:19 and in the following passages... Revelation 8:11 (note) and the name of the star is called Wormwood; and a third of the waters became wormwood; and many men died from the waters, because they were made bitter. Revelation 10:9 (note) And I went to the angel, telling him to give me the little book. And he said to me, "Take it, and eat it; and it will make your stomach bitter, but in your mouth it will be sweet as honey." Revelation 10:10 (note) And I took the little book out of the angel's hand and ate it, and it was in my mouth sweet as honey; and when I had eaten it, my stomach was made bitter. Pikraino - 9x in the non-apocryphal Lxx = Ex 16:20; Ru 1:13, 20; Job 27:2; Isa 14:9; Je 32:32; 33:9; 37:15; Lam. 1:4. Here are some examples Ruth 1:13-note Would you therefore wait until they were grown? Would you therefore refrain from marrying? No, my daughters; for it is harder for (Hebrew = marar = to be bitter; pikraino) me than for you, for the hand of the LORD has gone forth against me." Ruth 1:20-note And she said to them, "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara (bitter), for the Almighty (Shaddai) has dealt very bitterly (Hebrew = marar = to be bitter; pikraino) with me. Job 27:2 "As God lives, who has taken away my right, And the Almighty, who has embittered (Hebrew = marar = to be bitter; pikraino) my soul, Lamentations 1:4 The roads of Zion are in mourning Because no one comes to the appointed feasts. All her gates are desolate; Her priests are groaning, Her virgins are afflicted, And she herself is bitter (Hebrew = marar = to be bitter; pikraino). Paul says as those who have laid aside the old self husbands are commanded (imperative mood) to continually (present tense) not be bitter to their wives. In other words, this Greek verb construction of do not be embittered (present imperative with a negative particle) is a command to cease a practice was already being practiced amongst the Colossian husbands (or not to let it begin). Paul says in essence “Stop being bitter”. Robertson says “Do not have the habit of being bitter." MacArthur hits the "proverbial nail" on the head writing that... Paul tells husbands not to call their wives “honey,” and then act like vinegar! Husbands must not display harshness of temper or resentment toward their wives. They are not to irritate or exasperate them, but rather to provide loving leadership in the home. (MacArthur, J. Colossians. Chicago: Moody Press) The related Greek word is bitterness (pikria) which literally originally described that which is pointed or sharp such as an arrow and then began to be used more generally of what is sharp or penetrating to the senses, such as the smell of a pungent cheese, the piercing sound of a shrill noise, that which is painful to the feelings. Figuratively pikria defines a settled hostility that "poisons" the whole inner man. For example, someone (in this case our wife) does something we do not like, and so we harbor ill will against her (cp Eph 4:31-note; He 12:15-note). Bitterness leads to wrath (which is to be put aside - Col 3:8-note) the external explosion that reflects one's internal feelings. Don't try to put them under the rug, but do humble yourself and put them under the blood! In first Corinthians Paul writes that... one who is married is concerned (merimnao [word study] - is anxious) about the things of the world ("earthly responsibilities" = NLT), how he may please (aresko [word study] = behave properly toward one with whom one is related, soften one’s heart toward, see to gratify, to accommodate) his wife, and his interests are divided. And the woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world ("earthly responsibilities" NLT), how she may please (aresko [word study]) her husband. (1Cor 7:33,34) MacArthur comments: The husband is to seek to find “how he may please his wife,” and the wife to pursue “how she may please her husband.” (Ibid) How is such a mutual admiration society possible? I'm glad you asked. It's not! At least it's not possible in your strength. Supernatural love can never originate from a man's or woman's natural inclination (the flesh -- the evil disposition) but can only come from the Spirit, and thus Paul commands us to be supernaturally enabled... Do not get drunk with wine, for (Why not? term of explanation) that is dissipation, but (What's the contrast? term of contrast) be filled with (be continually submitted to and controlled by) the Spirit (Eph 5:18- note) MacArthur - Though there is authority and submission by God’s design, there is also spiritual equality and a mutual longing for each partner to please the other. The woman most pleases the man with loving submission, while he pleases her with loving authority. (Ibid) Paul calls for this mutual submission in Spirit filled believers to... Be (being continuously) subject to one another in the fear (reverential awe, a desire to be pleasing to Him even as a little child desires to please their parents) of Christ. (Eph 5:21-note) Read through the following list of synonyms for bitterness to get a better sense of why Paul is commanding husbands to stop being bitter towards their spouses. Synonyms: acrimonious, afflictive, antagonistic, begrudging, biting, cruel, galling, grievous, gut-wrenching, harsh, heartbreaking, merciless, overbearing, painful, rancorous, resentful, ruthless, savage, sharp, sour, stinging, sullen, vexatious, with a chip on one’s shoulder. Now ponder the "flip side" which is more of what husbands should be like as you read the antonyms for bitterness. Antonyms: agreeable, appreciative, friendly, gentle, grateful, mellow, mild, pleasant, sweet, thankful. A convicting list (especially if you're a husband)! I can understand David's prayer in (Ps 141:3) Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips. (Spurgeon's Comment) Beet has some interesting thoughts on bitterness noting that... Similar words in all languages denote acute unpleasantness of word, demeanor, or thought. The stronger party, having nothing to fear from the weaker, is frequently in danger of acting or speaking harshly. To refrain from such harshness, even towards those we love, is sometimes, amid the irritations of life, no easy task. But it is binding upon the Christian (husband)". (Beet, J. A. Beet's Commentaries: Colossians) Warren Wiersbe - Husbands must be careful not to harbor ill will toward their wives because of something they did or did not do. A “root of bitterness” in a home can poison the marriage relationship and give Satan a foothold (Eph 4:31, 27, He 12:15-see notes Ep 4:31; Ep 4:27, He 12:15). The Christian husband and wife must be open and honest with each other and not hide their feelings or lie to one another. “Speaking the truth in love” (Ep 4:15-note) is a good way to solve family differences. “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath” is a wise policy to follow if you want to have a happy home (Ep 4:26-note). A husband who truly loves his wife will not behave harshly or try to throw his weight around in the home." (Wiersbe, W: Bible Exposition Commentary. 1989. Victor) The Bible Knowledge Commentary - Wives, like tender and sensitive flowers (cf 1Pe 3:7-note), may wilt under authoritarian dominance but blossom with tender loving care. So in a maturing marriage the husband exercises compassionate care and his wife responds in willing submission to this loving leadership." (Walvoord, J. F., Zuck, R. B., et al: The Bible Knowledge Commentary. 1985. Victor) John Calvin writes that God requires love on the part of husbands, and that they be not bitter, because there is a danger lest they should abuse their authority in the way of tyranny. Adam Clarke - Wherever bitterness is, there love is wanting. And where love is wanting in the married life, there is hell upon earth. Jamieson & Fausset comment that bitterness is being ill-tempered and provoking. Many who are polite abroad, are rude and bitter at home because they are not afraid to be so there. KJV Bible Commentary - Stop being bitter and do not have the habit of being bitter against them. This sin wrecks many marriages. (Dobson, E G, Charles Feinberg, E Hindson, Woodrow Kroll, H L. Wilmington: KJV Bible Commentary: Nelson) Arthur asks - Husband, are you a servant leader who illustrates Christ's love and headship or a dictator who barks out orders? How can you encourage your wife today? How can you show her the kind of love you've read about this week? How can you minister to her needs? Are you working? If not, why not? If so, are you working to the detriment of your wife and family? Have you focused so narrowly on your role of provider that you've failed in your responsibility to love? (Building a Marriage that Really Works) Matthew Henry says husbands "must not be bitter against them, not use them unkindly, with harsh language or severe treatment, but be kind and obliging to them in all things." Ash explains that the command to not be embittered would call for patience with faults, and also for a refusal to vent on the wife bitterness generated by outside circumstances. Weed points out that Paul’s words are in contrast to Jewish and pagan ethics which gave husbands all the rights and wives all the duties."  (The College Press NIV commentary Joplin, Mo.: College Press) Mills - Husbands...are enjoined (this is another imperative) not to be cutting; that is, the husband is not to abuse his office, he is not to be overbearing, but is to show the love of God in every respect to his wife. If a husband is expected to avoid verbally abusing his wife, he must even more so avoid physically abusing her. He is obviously expected to be his wife’s protector, and he is to protect her from his own superior physical strength." (Colossians: A Study Guide to Paul's epistle to the Saints at Colossae. Dallas: 3E Ministries) ILLUSTRATION - Priority in Marriage - Flight attendants give these instructions to airline passengers: "For those of you traveling with small children, in the event of an oxygen failure, first place the mask on your own face and then place the mask on your child's face." In family life, parents often spend most of their time placing oxygen masks on their children's faces while the marriage relationship suffocates. The only way to have a strong family is to make sure that husband and wife keep the oxygen supply of love flowing strong between them. Citation: Merle Mees, Topeka, Kansas ><>><>><> THE "JESUS MAN" Guy King's illustration - Years ago I was leading the Children’s Special Service Mission at one of our South Coast holiday resorts. As I was approaching the beach one morning, this little fellow was going along there, too. As he caught sight of me, he said, “Mummie, here comes the JESUS man.” He only meant that I was the man who spoke to the children about the Savior; but his remark meant far more to my heart that day. What right had I—have I—to be called a JESUS man? What degree of resemblance is there about us? I wonder if you have read that moving story of Jerome K. Jerome's called The Passing of the Third Floor Back? (Read 47 page short story) Roughly, the tale is of a poor class lodging house, where lived a heterogeneous company of needy and seedy folk, and where there was a poor, ignorant little servant girl, a good deal of a slut, and ready to sell her virtue for a worthless trinket. Into the place there came one day a lodger who at once seemed to be different, and who occupied the third floor back. He quickly revealed himself to have a very kind heart and way. He always had a kindly word for the little slavery, usually so ignored and downtrodden. She almost worshipped him. The other lodgers, too, owed him much for his many deeds of helpfulness. He was always doing something for somebody, in his kindly, sympathetic way. At last the day came for him to move elsewhere. The little maid watched him, open-eyed, as he walked with his bit of luggage to the front door; and as he turned to her with a smile and a gentle pat on the shoulder, she took her leave of him with the words, “Please, are you ’I’m?” (Colossians 3:5-14 His Guidance on Garments) Application - To whom are you the "Jesus man?" You can only be a "Jesus man" if you are Jesus' man! Are you His wholly? Have you so clothed yourself with Christ (by the power of His Spirit, bearing for example His fruit, Gal 5:22-23) that when people look at you they see Christ in you (Col 1:27)? (cp 2Cor 2:14-16). ><>><>><> Work At It - If your marriage isn't working, take heart. Neither is anyone else's. In every healthy marriage, it's the people who work, not the relationship. A newspaper featured two headlines shouting from adjacent pages: In Japan, "Battered Wives Begin To Rebel," and "Britain Tries To Shore Up Marriages." Different countries and distinct cultures, but the same problems. Why? Could it be that we expect another person to meet the deepest needs of our hearts? If so, we have placed an impossible burden on that person. Or is it our own reluctance to face the truth about ourselves, preferring to believe that it is our spouse who has a problem? The divine commands for husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:22-33 are the framework for success in marriage, not a checklist to use in evaluating the performance of our spouse. It's a place to find our own job description. The instructions are given to weak, sinful people who need a Savior and His transforming power. Most of us would prefer a successful and fulfilling marriage that just happens by itself. But a growing marriage requires effort and perseverance. God calls us to work at our relationship with Him—and with the person we promised to love. — David C. McCasland (Our Daily Bread, Copyright RBC Ministries, Grand Rapids, MI. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved) "For better or for worse," we pledge, Through sickness and through strife; And by God's grace and with His help We'll keep these vows for life. —D J De Haan Success in marriage is more than finding the right person; it is being the right person. ><>><>><> Avoiding the Greener Grass - Nancy Anderson says she grew lukewarm in her faith and thus believed the world’s lie: “I deserve to be happy.” This led to an extramarital affair that nearly ended her marriage. She wrote her book Avoiding The Greener Grass Syndrome to help keep her painful story of infidelity from “becoming someone else’s story.” In her book, Nancy offers six action suggestions on how to build “hedges” to protect your marriage and to help make “a good marriage great”: Hear—give a listening ear to your spouse. Encourage—build up your spouse by focusing on positive qualities. Date—celebrate your marriage by playing and laughing together. Guard—establish safeguards by setting clear boundaries. Educate—study your mate to truly understand him or her. Satisfy—meet each other’s needs. The grass on the other side of the fence may look greener, but faithfulness to God and commitment to your spouse alone bring peace of mind and satisfaction.