“Singles are treated like they are in the waiting room of God's Will. We really don't matter until we get married and start having all those babies and homeschooling our kids.”Being a long-time single myself I am sympathetic to the angst of the unmarried out there. I know exactly where you’re coming from. I’ve sat under numerous marriage talks from the Sunday pulpit, painfully long and detailed examinations of Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3, parenting sermon series, marriage and family conferences, Proverbs 31 bible studies, parent-child dedications, Mother’s Day sermons, and that Song of Solomon study by Tommy Nelson. It seems the only time the word “single” is even mentioned in the assembly is when the pastor throws out the old chestnut, “You single people need to pay attention to this sermon on marriage because you might be married someday.” Believe me, I feel your pain. But I must warn you…..you may not like this post. All I ask is that you hear me out and view this post as heartfelt advice, from one Christian single to another.“The general feeling, when speaking to church ladies,(is) that I am not one of them, that I do not belong among them.”
“Sometimes there are women’s groups but the topics discussed are mostly about being a wife and/or mother… I just want the church to acknowledge that there are single people who are present.”
“Overlooked, left out, abandoned, forgotten, ignored, rejected, exclusion, avoided, judged and HAVING NO VOICE!!!!!!!”
“Sometimes it feels like church is an exclusive club for married couples or even seriously dating couples. Or just about any kind of couple.”
Christ and His Bride
We singles have unique frustrations and many of those frustrations are directly related to our experiences in the church, but we must be very careful how we talk about the church. Let me put it to you this way: Close your eyes and think of the most humble, quiet married male parishioner at your church. Maybe it’s that inconspicuous deacon who feverishly works behind the scenes, eschewing praise and accolades for his hard work. Or possibly it’s that modest elder who carefully watches over the spiritual lives of those in his zone. Or maybe it’s that unassuming usher who stands at the sanctuary door and passes out bulletins with a gracious smile. Now I dare you to walk up to this man and start criticizing his wife – tell him she’s an unattractive nitwit with questionable dress sense, a horrendous cook, a social moron, she keeps a filthy house, her hairstyle is at least two decades out of fashion, she has no sense of humor, she has all the personality of a wet sponge,…..just go on and on like that and watch this normally kind, mild-mannered man drop all vestiges of gentlemanly decorum and punch you right in the mouth. You’ll get a fat lip for your trouble, single sister. Why? Because you’re disparaging this man’s bride – the woman he cherishes and loves dearly – and he won’t stand for that.
Men love their brides! And Christ loves His the most.The church is Christ’s bride. He loves her so much that He laid down His life for her (Ephesians 5:25, 1 John 3:16). Even now He nourishes and cherishes her (Ephesians 5:29-30). He sanctifies and cleanses her (Ephesians 5:26, John 17:17). He intercedes for her (Romans 8:34, Hebrews 7:25). He has promised to protect her from everything, even the Gates of Hell (Matthew 16:18). Sure, she may have a lopsided veil, each of her shoes may be on the wrong foot, her bridal bouquet may be infested with weeds, her gown may be wrinkled and full of spots, but to Christ she’s lovely. She is imperfect now but one day God the Father will present her to His Son blameless and sinless, gloriously beautiful, and transcendentally radiant (Ephesians 5:27, Revelation 19:7-8)! In short, if you don’t want to get on Christ’s bad side really quick, don’t trash talk His bride.
Now, having said that, I will admit it is very difficult at times to be unwillingly single in the midst of a very married church. There do seem to be an abundance of sermons on marriage, child-rearing, sex, family leadership, submission, and other topics of interest to those married and with families. The College and Career class focuses on preparing young adults for the roles they will assume once they marry, while the Young Marrieds class specializes in topics of help to those just starting their families. There is pre-marital counseling for the engaged, nursery provisions for those with small children, marriage retreats, marriage “poundings” (not a beating, but a chance to stock up a newlywed’s pantry), baby showers, family picnics, children’s choirs, and many other activities that accommodate the needs and desires of families.
In larger churches there are singles ministries but they sometimes seemed to be treated like distant leper colonies. No one wants to go near them or be involved with them. Excited talk at the church surrounds who’s dating, who’s newly engaged, and who’s pregnant. The life of the single just isn’t all that interesting to people. Probably the most painful aspect of all this, especially for women who are single past child-bearing years, is that no one seems to care if we ever get married or not. The church is very concerned about the problems husbands and wives, children, teens, and young adults face in this world but they don’t seem to be concerned about the problems older singles face.
Much of this is just human nature. Families, not individuals, are considered the building blocks of our society. In most churches (mine is no exception) married couples with families outnumber the singles by a huge margin. As a result, most people are interested in topics centering on marriage and family and the church simply responds to that interest. In addition to this, an overwhelming majority of pastors and church leaders are family men who tend to gravitate to topics that they know a lot about….that of being married and raising children. All these factors present a challenge to unmarried women in the church. How do we find a way to fit in? How do we carve out our place among the saints?
The Church: What It Is and What It Ain’t
The first step in finding your place in the church as a single woman is to understand the true nature of the church. The church is the body of Christ composed of individual members who have all been saved. As 1 Corinthians 12:27 states, “…you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.” You and I, single people and married people, are all intricate parts of the body of Christ. The church is not an organization like a business or government agency that exists as an entity outside of you and me. The members, you and I, are the church. Also, as the body of Christ, the church exists to reflect Christ to the world. We are the fullness of Christ (Ephesians 1:22-23) making known the “manifold wisdom of God” (Ephesians 3:10). We are “living stones” being built into a “spiritual house” to “offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God” (1 Peter 2:5).
Saying that the church is a body of which we are members and not an outside organization may seem insultingly obvious. But when we say things like, “The church doesn’t care about us singles!” or “The church ignores our needs!” we are talking and thinking about the church in ways that do not reflect it’s true nature. We start to adopt an “us versus them” mentality that hampers our joyful participation as part of the body of Christ. Remembering that the church is a body of sinners saved by grace helps us too because we cannot expect the body of Christ to be perfect. We are all imperfect sinners in the process of being sanctified and changed to be more like Christ. The church then, as a collection of imperfect people, is also imperfect. If the Bible is not filled cover to cover with teachings on marriage, sex, and children shouldn’t the church reflect that? Should there be more sermons on prayer, holiness, worship, evangelism, and the attributes of God? Probably. But change won’t come from singles complaining bitterly to church leaders, sulking in the back of the auditorium, ranting and raving on internet chat rooms and blogs, or “voting with our feet” and refusing to attend church services, as some frustrated singles have suggested.
God has designed the church in such a way that spiritual growth (both in individuals and in the church collectively) comes as a result of our interaction with each other. As we as a body of believers encourage and build up one another (1 Thessalonians 5:11), pray for one another (James 5:16), instruct one another (Romans 15:14), admonish one another (Colossians 3:16), bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), forgive one another (Ephesians 4:32), and bear with one another (Colossians 3:13) we are “being built together into a dwelling place for God” (Ephesians 2:22). The word “together” there is the key. If we want the church to understand and appreciate the contribution that singles make we must be a part of her, working in her midst, not standing aloof and condemning her for not appreciating the unmarried.
Don’t Do What I Did
Please don’t get the impression that I have always had the correct biblical attitude as a single woman in the church. I have committed plenty of missteps in this area.
My pastor seldom preaches topical sermons; he prefers to teach entire books of the Bible using the expository method. I enjoy this approach in general but I am particularly challenged when we run across passages dealing with marriage and family….passages like Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, Proverbs 31, Proverbs 5, and the entire Song of Solomon. Recently, our pastor lead us through a study of Titus Chapter 2 and I began to cringe as he approached verses 4 and 5 in which the Apostle Paul instructs the older women to teach the younger women to “love their husbands and children” and to be workers at home, “submissive to their own husbands.” I don’t have a husband or children, a condition that often saddens me, so I dreaded enduring sermon after sermon devoted to young mothers, their husbands, and their children.
On the Sunday our pastor was scheduled to cover Titus 2:4, I didn’t show up to church service at all. Instead I sped past the church building in my car and proceeded to the next town, crying and blubbering openly as I drove down the streets, blasting Eric Carmen’s All by Myself on the CD player, and feeling thoroughly sorry for myself. It’s an action I regret to this day. What good is it to mope and cry and complain because I’m single and people at my church are married and have families? After I returned home, I thought of all the things I didn’t do that Sunday. Because of being so absorbed in myself and my own concerns, I didn’t worship the Lord that day, I didn’t hear His Word being expounded, and I didn’t encourage my precious brothers and sisters in Christ. Essentially, I allowed envy over how God had blessed others to make me utterly useless to Him and to my church. Envy has a way of doing that.
"No more Titus 2! Boo hoo hoo!"I felt so ashamed of myself I vowed to do better the following Sundays. Our pastor camped out in Titus 2:4-5 for three more Sundays and ended the sermon series with the obligatory Mother’s Day sermon on May 12th. The title of that sermon was “Marveling at Motherhood” and, as you can imagine, it was excruciating. But I stuck with it. I attended every sermon and I learned a ton from the experience. God created marriage to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church and He created families to train up a godly generation in the midst of a sin-filled, God-hating world. Our society knows nothing of the true purpose of marriage and family and is attacking the structures from every conceivable angle. It is very difficult to maintain a godly marriage and raise God-fearing children in our world and my married brothers and sisters with families need my prayers and encouragement, not my envy and disdain. Together, we shine a bright light that cuts through the darkness permeating our country. We are on the same side. We are for each other, not against each other.
Often singles complain, “Well, no one prays for us! Why should we pray for them?!” Speaking from my own experience, I think my envy of others has a way of altering my perception of reality. When I am in deep brooding over singleness and jealous over what others around me enjoy I sometimes think no one cares for me, when in fact they do. I have many brothers and sisters and Christ who love me despite my many (many) imperfections - why should I not love them in return? But let’s say, for the sake of the argument, that they are all strutting around like peacocks, showing off their wedding bands and baby bumps, lording it over the single women like me. How should I respond? By loving them all the more. Is that not what the Lord commands us to do? “As you wish that others would do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31). We are to “keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
The church is not a club for married people with families, though it may often feel that way. It is “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation” (1 Peter 2:9) and a single woman fits right in.
But if you find yourself typing the word “congratulations” under the Facebook engagement picture with gritted teeth you’re not alone. It is quite a challenge watching the dreams of others come true while yours are collecting cobwebs. Elisabeth Elliot once wrote, “If I imagine that I love my neighbor, let me test my love by asking how glad I am that he has managed to acquire what I have long wished to acquire. That he is loved by someone in some way that has never been granted to me.” Difficult words, but so very true. We are commanded to love our brothers and sisters in Christ and “love does not envy” (1 Corinthians 13:4). Indeed the mark of a true Christian is being able to “rejoice with those who rejoice” (Romans 12:15). I know this to be true, but like the Apostle Paul, “…I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing” (Romans 7:19).
And there is nothing quite like bitterness and envy to choke out the joy of your Christian walk, poison your fellowship with the saints, render you useless for the cause of Christ. Your worship is hampered, your praise is restrained, and it feels downright awful. So how do you overcome those dark, unbidden emotions that arise when you see others enjoying what you long to have? The following are practical steps in overcoming bitterness in your singleness.
Admitting and Repenting
It’s an old, tired self-help cliché, but it’s true: The first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem – or, more specifically, to admit that you have sinned. When I am in the depths of bitterness over my singleness, seething with envy at others who are married, I’m tempted to excuse those feelings by thinking, “Well, if only God would send me a husband…” or “If only those young marrieds wouldn’t flaunt their happiness so much….” – but I’m fooling myself. The problem is not God. The problem is not the young marrieds. The problem is me. James 1:13-15 points this out clearly,
“Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am being tempted by God,’ for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”
Bitterness and envy is sin. Period. Call it what it is and don’t make excuses for it. Furthermore that sin is not caused by the circumstance of being single. Rather, the circumstance of being single exposes the sin of bitterness and envy that is already in the heart. I’ll use myself as an example. At times, I would characterize my own singleness and childlessness as a trial à la James 1:2-4 and one way God uses trials is to expose sin. My church is teeming with couples in their 20s and 30s who seemed to have done all the right things – married young, started families – and they’re enjoying the benefits of doing so. But even if I were to marry tomorrow, I will never be a “young married” because I’m no longer young. As I see their lives clipping along right on schedule while mine feels like a derailed train, I often wonder, “Why did God put me in this church? Wouldn’t it be easier if I was in a church filled with singles and elderly couples?” But if I was in such a church, the seeds of bitterness and envy that are hidden in my heart….my idolatrous desire to be a young married, my secret wish to be seen as a winner among losers…. would never be exposed to me.
Because Christ has paid the penalty for our sins, the wonderful promise we have as Christians is that if we admit our sins, God will always forgive us and cleanse us from them (1 John 1:8-10). This in no way excuses our sin or gives us a license to keep on sinning (Romans 6:1-4, 1 John 2:1-2) but it assures us that we will not be condemned if we admit our sins to the Lord and repent (Romans 8:1). So admit the guilt of feeling bitterness and envy to the Lord and allow Him to rid you of those burdens.
Closing the Door to Sin
It’s good if you can head bitterness and envy off at the pass and the place where those sins start to grow is in a heart of discontentment. After the Lord saved me a few years ago, I had a strong desire to be holy so I sorted through my personal entertainment inventory to make sure it was free of ungodly influences. I immediately threw away the stuff that was clearly sinful and worldly – the Sex & the City DVDs, steamy romance novels, various R-rated movies, CDs with sexually-explicit lyrics – those were obvious bad influences. But some things are not so obvious. I enjoyed listening to the radio on the way to work so, in an attempt to clean up that area, I switched stations to one that played what’s called “beautiful music”, a format of mood music, easy listening, Muzak, jazz, and Swing Era music. I thought this was a safe alternative to my usual station which played the latest chart-toppers, but soon strange things started happening.
I became very unhappy with singleness, more than usual. I started sitting in the back of the church assembly, sulking and glaring at all the happy couples. I stopped doing my daily devotionals. My prayers began to contain less adoration for God and more complaints about why God hadn’t found me someone to marry. I even considered not attending church anymore because it was “too hard, too painful being single when everyone else was married.” I couldn’t figure out what was going on, why this dark, angry cloud seemed to be hovering over me constantly, until I noticed the music I was listening to on my commute to and from work. Here are some of the song lyrics:
“You’re nobody until somebody loves you; you’re nobody ‘til somebody cares….”No wonder I was so depressed and angry! Bombarding my mind with this worldly, overblown view of romantic love was making me extremely discontent with where God had me at that moment in my life. That discontent was like an open door into which the sins of bitterness and envy entered into my heart. There’s nothing wrong with romantic love – it can truly be “a many splendored thing” as the song states – and there’s nothing wrong with desiring it. But listening to songs like these over and over made me start thinking that romantic love gave life it’s only meaning, that I had no purpose or reason to live because nobody loved me, and that I had to find that special someone to make my life complete.“Tell him; tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes. Reach out to him and whisper tender words so soft and sweet. Hold him close to feel his heart beat. Love will be the gift you give yourself.”
“Love is a many splendored thing….love is nature’s way of giving, a reason to be living, the golden crown that makes a man a king.”
“But kisses and love won’t carry me ‘til you marry me, Bill….I got the wedding bell blues…..please, marry me, Bill….I got the wedding bell bluuuuuuuues…….!”
Are happy families a little too much for you? A change of perspective is probably in order.
I completely lost track of the truth that Jesus Christ is our reason for living, whether we are married or not. He is the source of and the reason for all created things, including marriage (Colossians 1:16). Contentment is found not when all my dreams come true or when I have everything in life that I want, but when I know that God has and will give me everything I need in this world to glorify Christ. This is why the Apostle Paul could say “godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction” (1 Timothy 6:6-9). That statement can apply to the desire for romantic love as well. Wanting it, yearning for it, dying to have it….can plunge a single Christian woman into many temptations, snares, and sins.
Incidentally, discontent is not just a problem for single women. Married women can become discontent with areas of their lives as well and fall into bitterness and envy of others. A friend from church who is happily married with children confided to me that even she must monitor the worldly messages she receives from movies, television, and songs on the radio. They often create images of an ideal romantic relationship in her mind which cause her to be irritated and dissatisfied with her own husband, since their relationship does not always live up to this standard of blissful perfection.
Don’t let discontentment over singleness lead you down the sinful, dark road of bitterness and envy. Guard your heart in Christ Jesus by dwelling on the things above, not the created things of this earth (Colossians 3:1-3).
Don’t be like this woman.
Adopting God’s Perspective
In 2 Corinthians 5:14-16, Paul says that because Christ died for us, and we no longer live for ourselves but for His sake, “we regard no one according to the flesh.” Always see others, especially your brothers and sisters in Christ, from God’s perspective, not from a worldly, selfish perspective. When I see others at church and compare myself to them in a worldly way, when I see their spouses and children and wish I had what they have, I begin to envy them. And when I let that envy and jealousy fester I even become embittered against them. It is a horrible, ugly state of mind – one that is miserable to be in and that God despises.
But when I see them from God’s perspective, when I fill my mind with God’s Word, when I allow the Holy Spirit who is in me to guide my thinking, then I see them as those dearly loved by God, so precious to Him that He sent His Son to die for them. When I take on the same attitude of Christ who humbled Himself to the point of death on the cross, then I no longer esteem myself higher than my brothers and sisters (Philippians 2:3-8). It is then that I begin to love them from the heart as God desires me to (1 John 4:7-12). And when my perspective is godly, my actions follow. I type “congratulations” under all the new wedding announcements on Facebook and truly mean the words. I happily click through all 587 pictures of a friend’s family vacation and sincerely thank God for blessing her with such a beautiful family. I rejoice with the pastor and his lovely wife as they praise God for their marriage. Without the heavy burden of envy and bitterness I am free to receive gratefully all that God has given to me and feel heartfelt gladness for all He is doing for others.
It is little wonder that the passage in Proverbs 31:10-31 has become the focus of so many Christian women. For what women is there who does not desire to be “more precious than jewels” (verse 10)? Is there a woman alive who is not thrilled at the thought of children who rise up and bless her or a husband who adores her, praises her, and trusts her in his heart (verse 11, 28-29)? And is it not comforting to know that you can laugh at the time to come because your future days are sure to be filled with memories of a happy life well lived (verse 25)?
The Proverbs 31 woman seems to have it all. Through marriage and motherhood she receives not only material blessings but spiritual ones as well. The Proverbs 31 woman “fears the Lord”, as verse 30 states. In other words, she lives out her Christian faith within the framework of her role as wife and mother. Marriage and family are the setting in which she displays her devotion to God and, as a wonderful consequence, experiences joy, meaning, purpose, and satisfaction.
For years, I have prayed for the blessings of marriage and motherhood but as time goes on I realize something: I may never be the Proverbs 31 woman. I am, by default, the 1 Corinthians 7 woman and will likely always be. But who is the 1 Corinthians 7 woman? The evangelical world doesn’t seem to know. There are no ministries, no conventions, no seminars, or study Bibles devoted to her, no books or sermons instructing us of her virtue or worth. There are no long, detailed discourses about her in the Bible. As a result, my life as a 1 Corinthians 7 woman looks lonely, silent, and empty. My future, bleak and undefined. What role do I fill? How do I display my faith in God? What is the setting in which I live out my Christian life? Where do I find joy, satisfaction, fulfillment, purpose? If the Proverbs 31 woman is more precious than jewels do I have any value? Do I have any worth?
If the Proverbs 31 woman finds her joy, meaning, and worth in her role as wife and mother where does the 1 Corinthians 7 woman find hers?
Locating the Joy in Christ
When I have shared my concerns with fellow Christians they always confidently declare, “Your identity is in Christ! Your joy, satisfaction, and purpose is in Christ!” They point to 1 Corinthians 7:34 which reads that the unmarried woman “is anxious about the things of the Lord”.
When others tell you that your joy as a single woman is in Christ do you feel……..dare I say it………dejected by that statement? Does it depress you? Does it discourage you because you can’t imagine that sitting around thinking about Christ will get you through the next week, much less the rest of your life? It’s not hard to see where the married mother finds her joy. Her life is filled with the warmth of hugs and kisses from her husband, the smells of delicious family meals simmering on the stove, the sights and sounds of children laughing and playing. All the blessings in her world are so physical, tangible, and touchable. In the meantime, the single woman sits in a big, empty house talking to an invisible Jesus. I can’t imagine a more miserable existence.
Being told that my singleness gives me the opportunity to be totally devoted to the Lord leaves me cold. I feel guilty admitting that, but there it is. I’m not excited about such a life. Why? It’s not that I don’t love the Lord or truly appreciate his sacrifice on my behalf, I just don’t have any idea what that means. What does it mean to be totally devoted to the Lord? What activities does it entail? What kind of work does it involve? Could the “things of the Lord” mentioned in 1 Corinthians 7:34 be so enjoyable, so engaging, and so consuming that they replace marriage and family? In short, can I face a possible lifetime with no husband, children, or sex without throwing myself off a bridge in despair?
Believe it or not, I can! And so can you, single Christian woman. The good news is that our joy really is in Christ; this is a true statement filled with a lifetime of incredible delight, meaning, purpose, and satisfaction for the unmarried woman.
Where is the joy in Christ, you ask? It’s in the church.
The church is the framework in which the single woman finds joy in Christ
Rediscovering the Church
“The church?!”
As I write this post, I can already hear the objections, hisses, and boos from some of you out there. “How can the church possibly fill the huge, gaping hole in my life that I thought would be filled with children and a husband? Church potlucks? Prayer meetings? Benevolence drives? Ladies’ fellowships? Missions fundraisers? Vacation Bible School? That’s not nearly enough! I can’t build my life around that – are you nuts?!”
Do you think the Apostle Paul was nuts? He was so enthralled with the church that he recommended singleness over marriage because it afforded more time and energy to Christ and the church. Paul’s ministry, even his very life, seemed to be centered on the churches he planted and visited. He saw the Corinthian church as his “beloved children” and himself as their “father in Christ Jesus through the gospel” (1 Corinthians 4:14-15); he yearned for the church in Philippi “with the affection of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:8); he declared to be gentle among the Thessalonians “like a nursing mother taking care of her own children” (1 Thessalonians 2:7). Paul continually prayed for the church, pouring his heart and soul into its health and maturity, rejoicing over its spiritual growth, agonizing when it stumbled. But the church in Paul’s day was much different than it is now. The first century church was so energetic, stimulating, and counter-cultural that it “turned the world upside down” (Acts 17:6). There was a remarkable closeness and camaraderie among the members of the church that went beyond friendship and family. It was composed of a diverse mix of peoples – Gentiles and Jews, wealthy and poor, slaves and masters – but all were “one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28), a reality of which the outside world marveled.
Sadly, in many ways, the church today is a far cry from that dynamic organism born with power on the Day of Pentecost. It is often little more than a variety of services to attend throughout the week. But the real church, the church Christ died for and purchased with his blood, is not nearly as mundane. The church is the body of Christ. Now, don’t just say, “I know, I know….” and blow by that statement as if it’s a cliché. It is in fact an unbelievably magnificent reality. The word “body” there does not refer to a group or a crowd of people like the definition you’d see in Webster’s Dictionary. You see, Christ is no longer in this world. After the resurrection, he ascended into heaven to prepare a place for us, according to John chapter 14, and has been there ever since. The church is Christ here on Earth. As pastor and author John MacArthur puts it, the resurrected Christ in heaven is Body One and we the church are Body Two. In each individual member is the promised Holy Spirit and collectively, with each individual member as a crucial part of the whole, the church is charged with the awesome task of revealing Christ’s nature and attributes to the world, proclaiming “the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” (1 Peter 2:9).
Don’t envy the Proverbs 31 woman. God has blessed her but He has plenty of joys, blessings, and purpose set aside for you, too, single woman.
Beyond Proverbs 31
It is tempting as Christian singles to be envious of the Proverbs 31 woman. That’s because in every woman – indeed, in every person – there is a strong desire to know and to be known, to love and to be loved, to have a reason for getting up every morning, and to be needed and fully utilized for some great effort or cause. The Proverbs 31 woman seems to have that in spades but the unmarried and childless 1 Corinthians 7 woman need not fear that her desires will go unfulfilled. What we must remember is that although the passage in Proverbs 31:10-31 is a beautiful description of womanly godliness, worth, and purity it is Old Covenant thinking. In the Old Covenant, or the Old Testament as it is more commonly referred, God’s people were the Jews (Israelites) – the era of the church had not begun. In the Jewish mind, the family was the ultimate display of God’s favor and blessings.
Under the New Covenant, however, we have now learned that the physical family is just a foreshadowing of the REAL family which is the family of God, the church family. The church family will continue on into eternity and it has already begun. We don’t have to wait to get to heaven to enjoy the blessings, joys, and purpose provided in the family of God today. This is wonderful news if you are a single woman: In the family of God you can use your spiritual gifts (those of helping, showing mercy, exhorting, teaching, as well as others) to help edify and mature the body of Christ. You can do the “one-anothers” of Scripture (encouraging, bearing burdens, forgiving, loving, admonishing, and there are many more) to other members of the church, being a vital part of its transformation into the image of Christ.
Dare to bloom where you are planted, single woman!
The church is a sturdy, indestructible foundation upon which you can build your life; an intricate framework of roles and activities that you can immerse yourself in; a warm, familial setting in which you can display your faith; a comforting future that you can look forward to with anticipation. While the Christian wife has the privilege of praying for her husband, for his leadership and spiritual strength and integrity, the Christian single woman has the honor of praying for the leaders of her church, who need prayers, support, and encouragement just as desperately. While the Christian mother trains and teachers her natural children, the Christian single woman focuses on training and teaching spiritual children, those young in the faith, those needing exhortation, admonishment, and building up. As the married woman prays blessings for her physical family, the single woman prays that God will bless her spiritual family, to build the body up until it reflects Christ.
The Christian woman’s joy then is not solely wrapped up in the praises of an adoring husband or appreciative children; it is the joy of being a part of God’s family, the church. That is the much-needed viewpoint that singles can provide to the church – that spiritual focus – because married people with families can easily get bogged down in the joys and travails of the physical family forgetting that they are a part of the family of God. The church then degenerates from the bright shining city on a hill displaying the spiritual kingdom of God to a religious social club for families, something God never intended. The church is a spiritual family, not just a collection of physical families. Though a husband and wife point to the relationship of Christ to his Church, singles point to the reality that the church is a spiritual family lasting forever and the kingdom of God has begun.
Single Christians are in a unique position to devote their entire lives to Christ though their role in the church and they have the unique incentive to see the church as a spiritual family, not just a place of worship, because it is their only family. This may very well be the reason God has allowed many of us who long to be Proverbs 31 wives and mothers to be instead 1 Corinthians 7 single women. Our need for the church to be truly what God intended, to provide a place for us to display our faith, receive joy and meaning, and have purpose, will keep the church from becoming complacent, ineffective, and routine. John Piper and Alistair Begg, nationally-known pastors and teachers, have both preached excellent sermons on singleness encouraging Christian singles to not simply pine over the blessings of marriage but to live out the special role God has given to them in the church. I have included links to both sermons below at the end of this post.
Singleness in Christ…..even if it lasts for a lifetime….is not meaningless and empty.
But…….what about SEX?!
As you may recall, at the beginning of this post, I asked the question “Can I face a possible lifetime with no husband, children, or sex without throwing myself off a bridge in despair?” and I have not even mentioned sex in this post. “Sure, Janice”, you may be thinking, “I can find fulfillment of my desires for family, purpose, and meaning in the church, but what about sex? What can I do about those desires?”
I must admit that facing a possible lifetime devoid of any sexual enjoyment whatsoever seems dreadfully depressing at times. Sex is the one area where there really is no alternative. I can satisfy my longings for meaning, purpose, and connection in the church but I can’t go around having sex with other church members. That is NOT okay with God. So what about sex? How do I face a possible lifetime of no sex without going completely crazy?
I think this is a very challenging topic deserving special consideration so I am devoting an entire post to it. Look for the future post, “Can I Face a Lifetime of No Sex….Without Going Crazy?!” I pray that it will be informative, inspiring, and encouraging to you as you navigate the sometimes rocky waterways of long-term singleness.
http://www.truthforlife.org/resources/sermon/to-marry-or-not-pt-2/