Abner Jones - 10-Still Resisting the Call to Preach

Still Resisting the Call to Preach

After living in Hartland a year and four months, I engaged to keep a school in Hartford, the town adjoining on the north. In Hartford I found myself very differently situated from what I was in Hartland. The people in Hartford were very civil and polite, and used me with good manners; finally, I never was treated more handsomely in any place than in Hartford.

About this time I had a great notion of entering into the study of Physic, and strong conflict I had on the subject, for as yet it was strongly impressed on my mind, that I must go out into the world and preach the gospel to every creature. Here I laid down my public testimony, & I had no sooner done it than I found condemnation, and the life and power of religion seemed to vanish away. I felt no inclination to join with the usual amusement of the times, yet I did not feel engaged in religion, and when I attempted to pray I felt very little freedom, and a great deal of condemnation. Whenever I asked God for a blessing, the way to obtain it seemed to be pointed out to me by doing my duty, viz. by improving what he had already given me. When the duty was presented to me, I felt a shrinking, saying, Lord I cannot. After a while it became such a trial, that when I attempted to pray, I felt such condemnation, that I dare say nothing more than God be merciful to me a sinner. In this eclipse of the sun and dark time of the moon, I dove into the study of Physic head and ears. I now gave my mind entirely up to the study. I read no books only such as concerned my study, (to my great shame.) I almost entirely left of reading the bible, which for two years before, had been almost entirely my study. By this time I had gotten where I dare not pray in any form whatever. The moment that I even thought of praying, duty would present itself right before me, and I felt entirely unwilling to do it. This often struck me with such condemnation, that I could not endure it, but was obliged to cast it out of my mind as soon as possible; yes, I dared not think on the subject.

Thus I remained in my mind more than five years. I do not think there was a day passed in the course of the above mentioned five years, but what the thoughts of preaching would be troubling of me, and I endeavouring to banish them from me. I was in this situation when I married. When I really concluded to marry, I viewed the matter to be solemn, and concluded it was my duty to make known to my intended the situation I was in. I asked her if she thought that she was acquainted with the man with whom she expected to unite for life? She said she thought she was. I told her that she was under a mistake. I farther proceeded to tell her that I was a deserter from my native country, and that I intended to return home some time or another, and if she was not willing to go with me, I should leave her. That is, said I, I have made profession of religion, and have revolted from it, and I hope I shall yet return. But I must tell you farther, I have been tried in my mind concerning preaching, and I expect that I must yet preach, although I am so in the world now. Said I, God has always visited me with judgments for my rebellion, and I expect God will still visit me with judgments again. I expect to be one of the poorest creatures of all God’s creation. I farther proceeded to say, I expect after I have been married three or four years, and have three or four children around us in rags, crying for bread and milk, and I not a suit of clothes decent to appear abroad, and my wife in rags at home; in this situation I expect I shall have to go out preaching, and if you are not willing to marry such a man as I have described, you must not marry me.

While I lived in Hartland, which was about two years and an half, I feel to confess with shame that I did not live as a Christian ought to live. I was shamefully mixed with people like Ephraim of old, (although I did not join with any profanity, not yet with the youth in their scenes of vanity) but I trust that I feel heartily to forsake it, believing that I have found pardon for the same.

After I left Hartford, I lived about one year in Grafton, in the State of New-Hampshire, but not finding business to my mind, I left Grafton, and removed into the town of Lyndon, in Vermont, County of Caledonia.

While I lived in Grafton, I must confess I found my attention more taken up on the things of the world; the riches and honors of the same were objects that took my main attention. Here by degrees my mind was more and more drawn away. My good name in the world I wanted to maintain, and rather than be odd when I fell into company, I began to join in those amusements, for which I felt greatly condemned. I feel, before God, to confess it was entirely wrong. I hope no one will stumble over my stumbling blocks, for I feel it a duty and pleasure to remove them out of the way.

After moving to Lyndon, my mind was altogether taken up in the things of the world. I was well pleased with the country and people. The country was new, but the soil was rich, and it was settling rapidly with very likely, enterprising people as to the things of this world, but paid very little attention or no attention to religion. Here also, as well as in Grafton, I was endeavoring to maintain an honorable name in the world, and at the same time was striving with all my might to accumulate property. In that part of the country my business lead me into all kinds of company, both civil and profane, and I joined with them in a great degree, I confess; but as to their profanity and gambling I did not join with it. When I fell in company, I joined with them in what the world called innocent amusement. This, I generally did out of accommodation, lest I should be looked upon as singular. But now I feel free to confess that I did entirely wrong. I feel to testify that these things lead down to death. In the course of the third year of my living in Lyndon, I read in the news paper, a number of accounts of revivals of religion at the southward, and could not help feeling glad as dead as I was; and I really wished it might come into our northern climes. I thought I should be willing to go fifty miles, for the sake of seeing a reformation. Not many days after this, I heard of a reformation in Billymead, about ten mile to the northward of us. This struck me with a considerable weight, and set me on consideration of my ways. I had not felt so great impressions on my mind for more than five years past, yet I kept it, entirely concealed. I drew up a determination that I would go and see it; but there was so much talk about it, and so much ridicule made of it, that I was ashamed to go for fear of being reproached on the account; and so I never went for about six weeks. My mind was much exercised at times, although I kept it concealed as much as possible. At length, one Saturday night, I was called upon to go into the neighborhood, where the reformation was, to visit a person who was very sick. I determined therefore, that I would tarry over night, and on the sabbath day would go to meeting, and see the reformation. As I had seen two reformations before in Woodstock, I had it all planned out in my mind how it would appear, supposing it would be very solemn and entirely still, for I had never seen any noisy meetings; but when I came to see and hear, I found myself much disappointed. There was a great outcry among some for mercy. Many were groaning, some crying amen, others crying glory to God. These things were new to me, which made me greatly doubt whether it was the work of God or not; but when I looked at the fruit I found it was good, so I concluded the work was good, although I could not see through their making so much noise. This meeting took great hold of my mind, and I felt it my duty to confess my backsliding, but the pride of my heart was so great that I did not comply. Here I had opportunity of seeing and hearing elder Quimby of Sandwich.