Abner Jones - 03-I am Going Right to Hell
“I am Going Right to Hell” In giving the reader a just account of my exercises, I cannot omit giving an account of the severest trial of my mind that I ever experienced. Whether this trial came upon me the summer following my first finding peace, or a year from that summer, I cannot certainly tell. I perfectly well remember, that I had been in a very gloomy state of mind for a long time; and some times almost in despair; yet I do not remember to have mentioned it to any person. On a certain day, (I think it was in the month of June) in the forenoon, a travelling preacher, had a meeting appointed in Woodstock, about three miles from my father’s. I attended the meeting, but found no relief to my mind. I returned home as usual, and ate dinner, after which I went into the field in order to hoe some corn. While I was contemplating on my deplorable case, as sudden as the lightning, it appeared to me that my soul was eternally undone. It came upon me with such force, that I firmly believed it, and now for the first time, I was entirely deprived of HOPE. I really thought that I had begun my eternal, endless, despairing misery. I dropped my hoe as suddenly (it appears to me) as though I had been shot. I never expected to lift my hand again, to perform any part on the stage of life. I knew that I yet had a mortal body to drop into dust; yet, this appeared nothing. It does appear to me, if God’s awful voice had pronounced the sentence, depart ye cursed, I could not have felt the weight of it, more than I then did. The thoughts of mercy were not in all my thoughts. It did not so much as come into my mind, to ask for mercy; neither do I remember as I had any inclination to ask for it. I viewed myself in the distressing jaws of eternal despair.
It is not possible for me to give the reader a just idea of the anguish of my soul; it was unspeakably terrible. I had not the least idea, of any injustice in my condemnation, nor did I feel any enmity in my heart against God. In this distressing situation, I repared to the house in order to tell my mother what had befallen me. When I came to the door, I heard a man conversing, who was I thought, no friend to religion. I therefore turned my course up stairs, and threw myself on the bed; for about the space of half an hour, as near as I can judge, although to me it seemed more like two hours than half of one. While I thus lay on the bed, I endeavored to think of some bodily pain or torture, to compare my distress unto, but these all vanished as the morning fair when the sun appears.
After this man had gone, I came down stairs and met my mother with these words in my mouth. I am going right to hell. My mother made me the following answer. I hope, not my son, remember this. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; was lost, and is found. These blessed words revived my spirits a little, insomuch, that I thought it was possible that God might yet have mercy on my poor soul. The immense difference that I felt in my mind, is not possible for me to describe.
After this for many weeks, my mind was in a deeper gloom than ever; a hope however remained, that it was possible that God might have mercy on my soul, and that was all that kept me from distressing despair. As time passed away, this gloom seemed to wear off, and in the course of a number of weeks, I few more careless, although I still had a greater regard for religion, than any other thing on earth. At certain season, I still felt the presence of the Lord, and some times I found the word precious to my soul; I also, still retained final hope. In this situation, I remained for the most part of the time, until I arrived to the age of about fourteen, at which time, I found my mind growing more careless, and my heart seemed greatly hardened.