Abner Jones - 04-Universalism and Seeking After Vanity

Universalism and Seeking After Vanity In the month of October, 1786, it pleased the Lord, to take away my father by death; he died of a quick consumption. This circumstance, seemed rather to harden my heart, than soften it. A few weeks after my father’s death, my eldest brother came home from the state of Rhode Island, who had been gone about three years. I always had a peculiar regard for him, more than any brother, or sister I had. His mind being entirely bent on sport and merriment, proved a great snare to me, and led me still farther from all serious impressions. He was also, a great disputant about religion; and also, a great despiser of experimental religion. He argued in favour of fatality, and of consequence, in favour of universalism. I endeavoured to embrace his system, and for about six years, I strove with all my might to believe it, and as well as I could to vindicate it. The above ideas, I made (?) of, in order to make my mind if possible, to feel a little more easy. In November, the same year, (I think the later part of it) Thanksgiving came on, and a number of the young craft of my age was contriving to have a little dance on Thanksgiving evening, and I was invited to join with them. This invitation threw me into a great quandary, whether to except of it, or not; for I knew such things were wrong, and especially for me. I saw that I must be decided, on one side or the other. After several days agitation on the subject, I came to this awful consideration, that I would go, and that I would for a season, while I remained young, have nothing to do with religion, but would banish every serious impression from my mind, as much as possible. The moment I came to this determination, my heart was hardened in such a manner, as I never felt it before, and so remained for about two years. This passage of Scripture in Hosea, came into my mind, "Ephraim is joined to his idols, let him alone." After I came to this conclusion, I began to think what I should say to such people, as knew of my former impressions, when they might chance to ask after the situation of my mind: and I came to this determination, that I would give them no answer at all. I now bent all my mind on vanity and folly; and in what the world calls pleasure, I gave full scope to my mind; but alas, it was still vacant. I now dreaded the fight, and hated the appearance of a Christian, lest I should have some reproof from him, for I knew they were more righteous than I. In this situation I then, and do now, consider myself as one of the unhappiest of mankind. It may be asked why, I persisted in a way which made me unhappy? I answer, because the pride of my heart was so great, that I could not bear to be despised.

After about two years, I was made sensible that the Lord had not entirely given me over, for I felt the strivings of his spirit loudly saying, "return unto the Lord, from whom you have so deeply revolted." Often times in the midst of my folly, I felt the reprovings of God’s spirit. I remember of having the following reflections in my mind, at a certain Ball, while I stood up and was preparing for the dance. What a fool am I? I have taken more satisfaction in one quarter of an hours enjoyment in religion, than I could in these scene of vanity, if I could enjoy it to eternity. This struck me so that I could scarce perform my part, but to get rid of it, I carried on the higher: and thus grieved the blessed spirit.

I remember a certain time of great impression on my mind, when I was labouring in the field. I felt such awful remorse in my soul, for my ingratitude unto God, I scarce could endure the thought; and for a few minutes, I fully determined that I would return unto the Lord. But when I came to consider how I should be despised and laughed at by my mates, I shrunk back, and so quenched the Spirit, and went on. My ideas at this time were greatly enlarged concerning this world. I began to think of riches, and was determined if I lived, that I would be rich. I did not say, if thee will, I will do thus or so. Among the rest of my desires, I found a great thirst for literature, and information, and the means being small for gaining of them, it often caused me to murmur; as I was obliged to labour every day, yet I improved all my leisure hours (excepting when in company) in either reading or writing, in this way, I made some small progress.