13 Growing in Favor with Men
Growing in Favor with Men
We encourage you to spend considerable time in a study of the book of Proverbs as it relates to child rearing. Many of the proverbs are instructions from a father to his son. Indeed, the word “son” appears more than 50 times in the book. The overall idea is captured well in 6:20-22:
20 My son, observe the commandment of your father And do not forsake the teaching of your mother; 21 Bind them continually on your heart; Tie them around your neck. 22 When you walk about, they will guide you; When you sleep, they will watch over you; And when you awake, they will talk to you. The parents here have provided their son with commandments to guide his walk and to instruct him in all circumstances of his life. Using words that remind us of Deuteronomy 6:1-25, the father instructs his son to keep these commandments before him continually. Surely, many of these commands relate to spiritual life, as we have already discussed. But a quick survey of Proverbs shows clearly that much of this instruction concerns relating to other men, growing in favor with them, helping us learn how to ensure that our children are a blessing to others. For example, 20:11 says:
Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right.
We want our children to be known as those whose conduct is pure and right, whose character is noble, whose behavior is commendable, who are blessings to others. We want our children to be good citizens, to contribute to the general welfare of the community, to take their places as valuable members of society.
How do we accomplish this? First of all, we must ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR TRAINING OUR CHILDREN IN PRACTICAL LIFE SKILLS. Education and other forms of training are in the end the parents’ responsibility. We as parents may delegate some of the teaching responsibilities to schools, but WE must ensure that the schools are doing their job well, and supplement the teaching of the schools with extra help to fill in whatever gaps remain. Even a parent who has not been highly educated can help children with schoolwork. Many schools do an abysmal job of teaching basic reading skills and arithmetic. If your 10-year-old child has been in school but cannot read well or do basic arithmetic operations, the responsibility is yours to teach him. This is an important part of helping your child to grow in favor with men (in addition, reading is a vital skill for growing in wisdom, as we cannot read the Bible unless we are able to read well).
Second, we must SPEND CONSIDERABLE TIME WITH OUR CHILDREN. Proverbs 22:6 tells us:
Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Children are different from each other; the way one should go may not be the way another should go. We need to be able to discern the gifts, skills, and personalities of each of our children so that we can help each in his particular way to grow in favor with men.
We can spend time together in work (10:4 Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth) and in play, enjoying our time together. All of these times help us to develop proper habits in our children: respect for elders, courtesy for others, diligence in work, appropriate speech (10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise), and responsibility in actions.
Third, we must TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO OBEY AUTHORITY. And we parents are the first authority they must learn to obey. You all have memorized Ephesians 6:1-3, where children are instructed to obey their parents in the Lord. Other passages teach the same:
Colossians 3:20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Exodus 20:12Honor your father and your mother
Proverbs 30:17The eye that mocks a father, that scorns obedience to a mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by the vultures.
Children need to understand that parents are the authority in their lives, that obedience is not optional, but the command of God Himself. Like all of God’s commands, these commands are for their good, and will lead to their growing in favor with men.
Training a child in obedience should start very early. For example, even a very young child can be taught not to touch certain things. We can help the child obey by moving most objects he might damage or that might hurt him out of his reach. But when he touches something forbidden, quietly but firmly say No and move the child away. From the earliest time, parents should be firm and consistent. Our yes should be yes, and our no, no. This is absolutely vital. Even a very young child will quickly learn if you mean what you say. Again and again, we have seen parents tell a child something and not follow through. Imagine this scene:
“Lydia, put down that bowl.” Baby Lydia continues to play with the bowl. Mother, louder: “Lydia, I said put down that bowl!” Baby Lydia continues to play with the bowl. “Lydia, if you don’t put down that bowl, I will spank you!” At this point, Lydia puts that bowl on her head like a hat, and smiles at her mother. Her mother thinks she is cute, and smiles back - then another child comes into the room, and the mother forgets all about the bowl.
Baby Lydia has now learned that she need not obey her mother - she just needs to persist in what she is doing, looking cute if she can, and her mother will likely become distracted and forget about the command. Such interactions lead to persistent disobedience in older children. But this brings up another point. While we must mean “no” when we say “no”, we must limit the number of times we give commands and prohibit actions. We don’t want to discourage our children, or make them feel like everything they desire is forbidden. We must limit our commands and restrictions to a few important areas - and then enforce those commands faithfully. The goal of discipline is not the break the child’s will and force your will on her - “I’m bigger and I’m stronger so I can make you do what I want!” - but to train the will so that the child chooses to do what is right. God’s discipline works the same way. Once we belong to Him He trains us and encourages us to choose what is right. Consider these verses:
Proverbs 22:15Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.
Hebrews 12:11For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Proverbs 19:18Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.
Removing the folly from the heart hurts, but discipline leads to hope of change in the future - and not just a change in behavior but a change in the desires of the heart.
One aspect of discipline is showing that choices have consequences. One way to do this is to allow the child to suffer the natural consequences of her actions, when those consequences are not dangerous. Touching a hot cup of tea and hurting her finger; pulling a cat’s tail and receiving a scratch - allowing these minor hurts can provide valuable lessons on the consequences of actions.
Some actions have logical consequences that we as parents have to enforce. A child who spills tea should have to clean it up; if she breaks something, she should be required to fix it or replace it. But some actions require punishment other than the natural or logical consequences of the action. This, too, is an important aspect of discipline. In some cases, the best form of punishment is simply separation, particularly when the child has been showing off, interrupting, or in other ways trying to draw attention to herself. Separation gives the child time to calm down, time to think about her action before the parent comes and discusses the problem.
Physical punishment, however, has a clear role in the discipline of children, primarily when a child disobeys a clear, unequivocal command. Proverbs 13:24 is well-known:
Proverbs 13:24He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
Even Psalms 23:1-6 includes the words, “your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” The word translated “rod” is the same as in Proverbs 14:24. The shepherd uses the rod and the staff to guide and correct wandering sheep, keeping them with the flock. The rod might hurt at times, but in the end it is a comfort, as the sheep knows it keeps him in the place of safety.
Although physical punishment is necessary, in our observation it is often misused in Cameroon (and in the US). Not only can this misuse harm the child, it can also defeat the purpose of the discipline. So we offer these guidelines for the use of “the rod”:
1) NEVER PUNISH YOUR CHILD PHYSICALLY WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY. Such situations, of course, are when we most want to punish the child physically. But that is just the point. In order for physical punishment to be effective in training the child in the way he should go, the parent must be setting a good example of mature behavior. A parent who lashes out in anger and smacks his child is not showing self-discipline or self-control. He instead is teaching the child that the bigger, stronger person can do what he wants.
Thus, a parent must calm down and judge the situation clearly before deciding on physical punishment. Separation may be important in order to allow this to happen. In our own case, often once we have calmed down we choose not to administer physical punishment. Furthermore, if we err and hit our child in anger, we must admit this before the child, and seek forgiveness. Matthew 5:24-25, though written about a brother, surely holds also for a child: If we remember that our child has something against us, let us stop whatever we are doing and seek forgiveness from that child.
2) DO NOT NAG YOUR CHILD, CONSTANTLY CORRECTING AND THREATENING HIM. One expert on corporate management teaches that a good leader gives three words of encouragement for every word of correction. That is not a bad guideline for the home. As noted above, Colossians 3:21 tells us not to embitter our children, or they will become discouraged. If we are always telling our children, “Don’t do this!” “Stop doing that!” the end will be discouragement. If instead the general atmosphere in the home is one of grace for past sins, love for the present, and encouragement for the future, the few times of punishment will be effective at changing the most important areas needing correction.
3) TAKE CARE WITH YOUR WORDS. We can cause considerable harm to our children by the use of careless, harsh words. As James tells us in chapter 3, the tongue can set on fire the entire course of a person’s life. And this can happen even if the words themselves are not harmful. We can hurt as much by the tone of our voice as by the words themselves. In Ephesians 4:29, Paul tells us: Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
We do not benefit our children by angry, scolding words said in a harsh tone of voice. All our words - words of love as well as words of discipline - should aim at building up our children, so that they might become blameless and pure children of God. In sum, when we educate our children, spend time with them, build them up, and discipline them lovingly and effectively, we lay the groundwork for a life ahead that will earn the favor of men. Such a life will be an effective witness of the grace of God - and also will bring great joy to the parents.