08 Submission and Headship in Christian Marriage

Submission and Headship in Christian Marriage

Now that we have discussed unity and love, we can begin our discussion of a topic that is frequently misunderstood: headship and submission.

Look again at Ephesians 5:23-24: 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (NIV) The statement cannot be clearer. Christ is the head of the church; the husband is the head of the wife. The church submits to Christ; just so, the wife submits to her husband.

Yet these statements continue to generate a tremendous amount of controversy. Paul has been called all sorts of names because of what he says here. We can clear up some of that controversy by beginning in the same way we began with love: considering what Paul does not mean.

First, Paul is not talking here of submitting to an external authority. In Christian marriage, submission is based on the unity and love we have already discussed. The husband and wife are essentially one body, one unit, just as Christ and the church are essentially one. So the head is not someone coming from the outside, telling the wife what to do; the head is her own self, lovingly directing their joint life.

Second, submission does not imply blind obedience. Remember, this passage follows all of Paul’s injunctions to walk as children of light, to walk in a manner worthy of our calling. Should our head direct us in ways that violate God’s clear commands, we are not to follow.

Third, submission does not imply inferiority. In this passage, all of us are told to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. The husband’s submission implies his loving his wife sacrificially; the wife’s submission implies following her husband’s lead. Galatians 3:28 and other passages show clearly that men and women come before God equally:

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28)

If submission does not imply following an external authority, blind obedience, or inferiority, what does it mean? Let’s consider what submission means positively by examining the motivation and the extent of submission. The Motivation for SubmissionA literal rendering of Ephesians 5:21-22 reads: Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ, wives, to your husbands, as to the Lord.

Wives are not to be subject to their own husbands in the same way they are subject to the Lord; rather they are to submit to their husbands because they are subject to the Lord. In other words, the wife is saying, "Because of what Christ has done for me, because I know he has my good at heart, and because he commands it, I will submit to my husband." So the wife shows her submission to Christ by her submission to her husband in the areas of his authority.

Ray Stedman relates these words written by a woman who had struggled with these issues: My submission to my husband is a kind of gauge or a measure of the degree to which I am submitted to Christ. . . I realize that my submission to my husband is not my gift to him, to be received gratefully on his part, and to be returned in kind. Nor is it to be a subtle form of blackmail. (See how submissive I was in this circumstance, Lord? Now what about seeing some results!) In fact if I were submitting to him as unto the Lord I wouldn’t care what the results were -- that’s his business She is exactly right. This is the meaning of submitting to the husband as to the Lord.

Now, it is important to note that this type of submission is not natural, not logical. But that is true of many of the commands offered to us as Christians -- we walk by faith, not by sight. Consider these other, similar commands:

·Let every person be in subjection to the governing authorities (Romans 13:1) (Paul wrote this when Nero was emperor . . .)_

·Do not resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also. (Matthew 5:39) ·If a Roman soldier forces you to carry his pack one mile, offer to carry it a second mile. (Matthew 5:41)

How can we possibly agree to do such things? Won’t this type of behavior end in our being run over by the strong and arrogant? Our motivation for submitting to our husbands and obeying these other commands must come from our certain faith in the power and goodness of God. Because I know that God is in control, because I read this clear command in the Bible, because I know that He has promised to work together all things for the good of those who love him, because Jesus said, "If you love me you will keep my commandments," -- for all these reasons, I can submit. Unless one believes that God is in control, submitting is not logical, it makes no sense from a worldly point of view -- but God is in control, and we walk by faith not by sight. The Extent of Submission Now let us consider the extent of the wife’s submission to her husband. Look again at verse 24:

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands . . .

What comes next? Does Paul say that I as a wife should submit only:

·in those cases when I’m wrong and my husband is right?

·at those times when I feel like it?

·on relatively unimportant issues?

·as a reward when my husband shows love for me?

·as a reward when he begins to act like so-and-so’s husband?

No, "so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Now, we have already said that submission does not extend to following our husbands into sin. Remember the story of Ananias and Sapphira; they both died for their sin of lying to God. Had Sapphira not lied, she would not have died.

Nevertheless, in everything not forbidden to Christians, the wife is to submit to the husband as the church does to Christ. That means completely.

Later, we’ll clarify the meaning of headship and submission by use of an analogy -- but first, let us consider the nature of headship. The Nature of Headship Let us begin once again with a negative. Headship is not harsh and domineering. Paul elsewhere writes:

Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly. (Colossians 3:19) The true head who loves and is one with his wife will never embitter her or dominate her. That is completely contrary to the ideal relationship as exemplified between Christ and the church. For the positive teaching about headship, let us consider another parallel.

Christ is the head of every man, and the husband is the head of his wife, and God is the head of Christ. (1 Corinthians 11:3) So we have three relationships that are in parallel:

Wife to husband Church to Christ Christ to God the Father In each of these relationships, one partner is head and the other submits. We have already seen how the relationship between Christ and the church gives us insights into the marriage relationship; let’s now explore the relationship between Christ and God.

We can summarize the relationship between Jesus and God the Father with four words:

·Unity: Jesus says, "I and the father are one." (John 10:30)

·Cooperation: ’But Jesus answered them, "My Father is still working, and I also am working."’ (John 5:17) ·Honor: "Glorify your Son so that the Son may glorify you." (John 17:1)

·Submission: "For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of him who sent me." (John 6:38) We might summarize the relationship this way:

·Identity as to nature, ·Cooperation as to work, ·Honor as to person, and ·Submission as to final decisions.

These four categories hold for the headship relationship between husbands and wives. The marriage partners are essentially one, they cooperate to achieve a common goal, they honor and respect each other, and the wife submits to the husband with regard to final decisions.

Conclusion of Submission and Headship in Marriage Consider this military analogy that helps to clarify the headship relationship between husband and wife:

Imagine a nation fighting a war. Two army corps are fighting in separate locations, under two generals of the same rank. The enemy is massing in one location, so the commander-in-chief instructs the two army corps to come together to engage the enemy. In such a situation, the commander-in-chief must name one of the two as commanding general of the engagement. The other must submit to the leadership of the commanding general. Now, the commanding general, if he is wise, will honor and respect the other general, and will seek his counsel. He will listen to his subordinate’s advice, especially to that general’s assessment of the qualities and capabilities of the units under his command. Indeed, any good subordinate general must offer advice. Ideally the two generals will agree on an overall plan for the engagement; it is possible for them to conduct the entire battle without the question of submission arising. But if they do not agree on a plan, in the end the commanding general must assume responsibility and decide on the course of action to be taken. The subordinate general must submit - even if he is convinced that the chosen course is a mistake. Why should he submit? Not because the commanding general is smarter, wiser, or more senior than he, although he may be; not because the commanding general’s plan is superior to his, although it may be; but he submits because the commander-in-chief, with the good of the country in mind, has placed him under the command of his fellow general. What happens if the subordinate general disobeys orders, and tries to carry out his own plan? The two corps will act in an uncoordinated fashion, and then the enemy is likely to defeat the two parts of the army one by one, leading to disaster for the country. This is the true meaning of submission and headship. There is no implied difference in worth or ability - just as the two generals may have been of the same rank and skill. Instead, submission implies that one person voluntarily agrees to follow the leadership of another for the good of everyone concerned. Just as Jesus and God the Father are equal, but Jesus submits to his Father, just as Jesus was superior to his parents but submitted to them, the wife submits to her husband. Thus, submission for the wife means that she willingly acknowledges the headship of her husband over her, and has confidence in God that He has set this authority over her for her own good. Headship for the husband means that he respects and listens to his wife, that he sacrifices his own good for her good, and that he takes responsibility for making decisions that will build up the family and glorify God. The military analogy is useful in many ways, but fails to bring out the fundamental differences between men and women, and the reasons why God has chosen men to serve as heads. These differences arise in the next area of our concern, the perfection of the marriage partners.