09 Perfection of Each Other in Christian Marriage

The Perfection of Each Other in Christian Marriage

We have examined three areas in which the relationship of Christ and the church parallels the relationship of husband to wife: Unity, love, and headship/submission. The fourth and last area deals with the perfection of the husband and wife as a result of the marriage relationship. As Christ perfects the church, the husband perfects the wife and, we will suggest, the wife perfects the husband. This, indeed, is the purpose of the husband’s headship.

We will examine this issue by considering what type of perfection we are discussing, and then how the husband perfects the wife, and vice versa.

Recall verses 25 and 26 of our passage:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her.

Christ loved the church for a purpose: to sanctify her, to put her to her proper use, to allow her to fulfill her potential.

What is the parallel with husbands and wives? How does the husband perfect the wife?

First, note that nowhere does the Bible say that the husband is the spiritual head of the wife. No, Christ is the spiritual head of the wife and Christ is the spiritual head of the husband. All of us are the bride of Christ; he is our husband spiritually, our head. Christ will perfect us spiritually through his love. For married men and women, Christ will use our spouse in the process of perfecting us, but He, not our spouse, is our spiritual head. But the husband is the head of the wife as a human - as man to woman. We perfect each other in our maleness and femaleness through the marriage relationship. Through marriage, we become the men and women that God intends us to be. The Nature of Maleness and Femaleness In order to discuss this point, we need to consider the purposes of men and women in creation. Why does God make man the head of the woman? In 1 Corinthians 11:1-34, Paul says that the reason goes back to creation. So let us examine the first three chapters of Genesis to see what we can learn about maleness and femaleness. First, consider Genesis 1:26-27 :

Then God said, let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. So God created man in his own image; in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. In the first sentence, God says He will make man in His image and likeness - and then immediately says that they will rule. One aspect of God’s image found in humans, therefore, is their authority and ability to rule. Then, verse 27 says, twice, that God created man in His own image, concluding that He made them male and female. Somehow, this maleness and femaleness is related to our being created in His image. We suggest that our ability to be in relationship is the key issue here. We as males and females become one, creating a unity in diversity that reflects what is found in the Trinity itself.

Thus, our being created in God’s image means, in part at least, that we are created to rule, and that we are created to be in relationship. Now consider the account of the creation of man and woman found in chapter 2.

7 the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature. . . 15 The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. . . . 18 Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.". . . 21So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (ESV) This is all we know about man and woman in God’s perfect creation. The very next verse describes the temptation that leads to the fall. So what can we discern from these verses?

First of all, note the relationship between Adam and Eve. The man and woman were in a perfectly intimate relationship. There was no hiding, there were no barriers between them. The man is to "hold fast" to his wife. This Hebrew word -- traditionally translated "cleave" -- is not a sexual term. In several places in the Old Testament the same word is used commanding the Israelites to "hold fast" to God. It signifies the unity of man and wife, the degree of commitment and bonding between them. The next phrase -- becoming one flesh -- is clearly sexual in part, but as we have seen in our discussion of unity, it refers also to a deep unity between them.

Second, what does this passage tell us of the differences between man and woman in the perfect created order? There is no definitive anthropology here, but there are several intriguing hints. We would like to propose that this passage suggests that man is primarily functional in orientation while woman is primarily relational in orientation. What do we mean by "functional" and "relational?" Man is functional because he receives his greatest satisfaction from performing a task or accomplishing a deed. Woman is relational because she receives her greatest satisfaction from building relationships. There are at least three hints or clues that suggest this conclusion:

HINT 1:What material is used to create the man and the woman? Man is made of an inanimate substance -- dust -- while woman is made from part of another person, living flesh.

HINT 2: What tasks are they assigned? For what purpose was each of them created? In verse 15, man is put in the garden to "work" or "serve" it, and to "take care of", “keep”, “guard,” or "watch over" it. It is interesting to note that man was created to "serve" the creation. This word - translated "work" in the NIV and ESV - is the same word that God uses when he speaks through Moses to Pharaoh saying "Let my people go that they may serve me in the desert." Though created to rule, man’s relationship to creation is not domineering, but one of tending, serving, and guarding.

What is the task of the woman? She is created, according to verse 18, as a "helper” “fit” or “suitable" for the man. The word translated "helper" is used most often as a military term; "ally" is a possible translation (see Ezekiel 30:8). But in the Old Testament the word often refers to God, frequently coupled with "shield" -- "My help and my shield" (see, for example, Psalms 115:9-11). Psalms 121:1-8 includes these well-known opening verses that shed some light on the meaning of the word:

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does myhelpcome? 2 Myhelpcomes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. The Psalmist looks up at the hills in fear, knowing that his enemy could come in large numbers over those hills at any time. Where are his allies? From where can he seek military assistance? His ally is the Lord, the creator Himself - so he need not fear.

Although there is a clear difference in importance between the Lord and us, like our word “ally,” this Hebrew word need not imply any difference in importance between man and woman. Instead of a difference in importance, what we have seen so far suggests that the difference is in focus. Man’s focus tends to be on the created order, the very stuff of which he was created - he rules over it, serves it, guards it; woman’s focus tends to be on the very stuff of which she was created - on other people, particularly on being the ally and helper of her husband.

HINT 3: For our third hint, turn to chapter 3 and the results of the fall. As you read, note that the results of the fall for each are frustration and pain in their primary area of focus: relationships for the woman, the created order for the man. Begin reading in verse 16: To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, ’You must not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; thru painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat the food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken. For dust you are, and to dust you will return." (Genesis 3:16-19NIV)

Let’s consider the woman first. As a result of her sin, she will experience frustration and difficulty in her family relationships, both with her children and with her husband. The phrase "your desire will be for your husband" is talking not about sexual desire but about the desire to dominate and control. Note that God uses the same phraseology in speaking to Cain in chapter 4 verse 7: "Sin is crouching at the door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." This interpretation is supported by the next phrase -- "yet he will rule over you." The woman will experience frustration in her marriage, in which she will desire to dominate and control her husband, but in the end he will dominate and rule over her. Now, have we seen the word "rule" used with regard to the man and the woman prior to this? No. Man’s rule over woman is a result of the fall, part of the frustration that woman experiences after that event. This is not a command to man -- "you shall rule." We do not find the husband commanded to rule over his wife in Ephesians 5:1-33 or anywhere else in the Bible. This is a tragic and painful result of the fall, an implication for fallen marriages, not a prescription for the ideal Christian marriage.

What about the results of the fall for man? His frustration, his toil, is with respect to the created order, the ground. Thus, if this functional/relational difference between man and woman is correct, God points out to each of them that their sin will hurt them in the very area they care about the most. This is the essence of sin; we hurt and destroy what we love and want most. In conclusion for this section, let me emphasize that these functional/relational differences between men and women are differences on a continuum; relationships and function are both important to all of us. Each of us is at a different point on the continuum; the differences between men and women are true in general, not necessarily for every two individuals. I encourage you to reflect on your own experience, and see if this perspective makes sense in understanding yourself and members of the opposite sex. Most of all, I encourage you to search the Scriptures to see if these things are true, to dig more deeply into this and other passages in order to figure out what God tells us about differences between men and women.

How Do We Perfect Each Other?

Given this understanding of the nature of men and women, how do we perfect each other in our maleness and femaleness? One husband, when hearing that he should play a role in perfecting his wife, said, "I’ve been trying to perfect her for years; whenever she does something wrong, I scold her for being wrong, and then I tell her how to do it right!" Of course, that is not what God intends. Let us consider some of the wrong ways to perfect our spouses. We will not perfect our spouses by:

·Having a critical attitude towards them.

·Being silent about their faults.

·Comparing them to others.

·Nagging them (A woman once asked her husband to define nagging. He said, "When you tell me once, that’s a suggestion; when you tell me a second time, that’s a reminder; when you tell me a third time, that’s nagging.") ·Manipulating them, bribing them with affection or other favors.

If these methods are not the proper ways to fulfill the command, how are we supposed to perfect our husbands and wives? Paul tells us in our core passage, Ephesians 5:22-33. Fundamentally, the wife perfects the husband by respecting him, and the husband perfects the wife by loving her (verse 33).

Let’s consider the wife’s respect for her husband first. We’ll look at four aspects of her respect.

(1) A wife perfects her husband by making her respect for him obvious. A man is freed to love his wife when he knows that she respects him. Without that confidence, truly giving of oneself sacrificially is incredibly frightening, as one is open and laid bare before her. So it is easier for me to love Beth if I have confidence in her respect. Indeed, the best way to get your husband to love you is to ensure that he knows you respect him. A disagreement over what action to take, followed by the wife’s gracious submission to her husband, as she states that she trusts his judgment and will follow his lead, shows clearly that she respects him. That is why Peter writes: In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives (1 Peter 3:1). Do you see how the perfecting is taking place? God intends for the man to love his wife - that is the man’s ideal role in Christian marriage. The wife helps her husband to live up to that role, she perfects him as a man, when she respects him in all ways. So submission and respect are not just right for wives because they are commanded; obedience in these areas leads to the man becoming what God intended him to be.

(2) A wife perfects her husband by making HIM her head.

It is very tempting for woman to set up some other man as her head: A pastor, her father, or a Christian teacher. In such cases, the wife will say or think things like, “Why can’t my husband be more like so-and-so?” Wives, God chose your husband especially for you. You can learn from other men, but always remember that your husband is your head, not any other man. This is most difficult for the wife when her husband is making bad decisions; it is especially hard when he is not a Christian. Yet, in setting up the man’s headship, God is promising to the wife that He will work for her good through her husband. Even if the husband errs, even when he makes a bad decision, the wife’s submission honors God, and He will redeem that decision. This is walking by faith and not by sight - the very essence of the Christian life.

Once again, if the husband feels that his wife looks up to other men more than himself, he will be reluctant to love her sacrificially. Her respect for him and trust in him - particularly in the functional aspects of their marriage and home - free him from the fear that she will second-guess his decisions and criticize him. He is also more likely in such cases to be willing to delegate responsibility to her in areas where she may be capable and gifted, knowing that she will not use that opportunity to try to take over more and more of the matters of the home. Once again, the husband becomes more and more what God intends men to be through the wife clearly making the husband her head.

(3) A wife perfects her husband by communicating with him. As the military analogy shows, submission does not mean silence, it does not mean simply agreeing without discussing. Consider again the relationship between Christ and the church. The church is to submit completely to Christ. But God wants us to tell him everything! Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Php 4:6) Pray without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

Just so, there should be open communication from wife to husband. This too leads to his perfection as a man. By himself, he is not able to discern his wife’s needs and desires; he will not know how best to nourish and cherish her. Given her particular stress on relationships, she is likely to have insights and strong feelings about matters regarding children, friends, church members, and family members. Note that her talking about such matters is good not only for the wife, but also for the husband. Now, this communication needs to be respectful, and, as with our prayers to the Lord, in final decisions she must yield her own will. But communication concerning her thoughts, desires, and dreams is one way she perfects her husband.

(4) A wife perfects her husband by discerning his desires. With their functional orientation, many men find it hard to talk about their inner selves. A wife performs a great service for her husband when she studies him and learns about him, so that she understands his goals and desires, even when he does not state them explicitly. She can then assist him in the accomplishment of his goals, without his asking her directly to do so. Then her husband knows that she is truly his ally, his helper intent on aiding him in the accomplishment of his goals. Once again, in most cases this will lead to his responding by loving her more and more, as he appreciates her help. Thus he becomes what God intends him to be.

Now let’s turn our attention to husbands. Fundamentally, the husband perfects the wife by loving her. As in the case of the wife, the husband frees the wife to respect him by loving her. When we discussed love in marriage, we noted the words used of Christ and the church: love her, cleanse her, nourish her, care for her. How do these ideas and our understanding of the nature of maleness and femaleness translate into practical lessons for ways the husband’s love perfects the wife as a woman? We will consider four ways the husband perfects his wife by working to build up their relationship.

(1) The husband perfects his wife by giving her time. As we have seen, women in general put a high emphasis on relationships. Husbands need to note this, and must take care not to let work, recreation, or ministry opportunities crowd out time with their wives. You cannot love your wife sacrificially, you cannot build a relationship with your wife, without spending time with her.

(2) The husband perfects his wife by speaking to her.

Time spent together must include discussion. Christ communicates to the church through His word, and husbands must communicate to their wives by using words! Husbands, how many times in the evenings do you answer your wife’s questions with grunts? Again, since men are primarily functional in orientation, this can be difficult. Nevertheless, a loving husband will force himself to talk, even when he does not feel like it. This can include speaking about seemingly trivial matters as well as sharing with her your hopes and dreams. Talk!

(3) The husband perfects his wife by listening to her.

Time spent together must also include listening. Husbands, listen when your wife speaks to you even about unimportant issues. Seek out your wife’s opinion on important matters. Now, her submission and respect free you to do this. Many men do not seek out their wives’ opinions because they want to avoid fights and disagreements. If, in the past, differences of opinion on important matters have led to fights, the man has every incentive to make those decisions on his own without discussion. When the man knows that his wife respects him, when he knows that even if she disagrees in the end she will accept his decision, he is much freer to seek her advice and listen to it. This is the beauty of God’s plan for headship and submission. And as he listens to her, she gains confidence in his love and care, thus freeing her to respect him and submit to him.

These first three ways work together to assure your wife that you love her. And as she comes to trust more and more in your love and in the quality of your relationship, she becomes more like the perfect, spotless bride that God intends her to be.

(4) The husband perfects his wife by taking care of her needs.

Here the husband’s functional orientation can help him to show love to his wife, thus meeting her relational needs. Think about what she needs, about what would help her, both in her day-to-day work and in her spiritual life. Pray about those needs, and be creative in finding ways to please her and build her up. Be fully conscious of her failings and weaknesses, and help her to avoid situations that will cause her to stumble as a result of those weaknesses. When she does stumble, continue to take care of her needs: avoid condemning her, or irritating her, or getting annoyed with her, but instead, forgive her and seek to build her up. When we marry, we marry a whole person - beauty and ugliness, successes and failures. Our wives need to know that we love them unconditionally, and that we are here not to berate and condemn, but to help them to become what God intends them to be. And as we do so, our wives will become more and more like the wife of the ideal Christian marriage.