S. Can Married Couples Watch Pornography Together?

Can Married Couples Watch Pornography Together?

One day my wife and I happened to visit a married couple. As I was discussing about marital issues with them, the woman candidly asked me a question—“Is it okay for my husband and me to watch pornography together? Someone known to me suggested it is sexually healthy for a couple to watch porn together.”

There are many misleading voices these days, saying—“Watching porn together is one of the best ways a couple can connect.” “Watching porn together strengthens your sexual relationship.” “Watching porn together adds fuel into your dry marriage.” I have even found an article entitled, “Couples who watch porn together stay together.”

According to a debate on Times of India.com on whether couples are okay with watching porn together, 53 pct felt that it was perfectly natural, while 43 pct held it to be morally degrading. If this is the perspective in a more conservative and traditional nation like India, which is now becoming more liberal in moral issues, I can imagine the vote for couples watching porn together would be even higher in the West.

Although many may voice against watching pornography alone for personal pleasure, there are numerous people assuming that it is good to watch porn as a couple. They suppose it boosts their sexual life in marriage, but without discerning its side effects.

According to God’s word, I strongly believe it is wrong, even sinful, for a married couple, or anyone for that matter, to watch pornography. It is detrimental to one’s personal and marital life.

Want reasons? Here they are:

1) It is a shameful thing to watch the nakedness of a person other than your spouse. When Adam and Eve were created by God, they were naked all the time and felt no shame (Genesis 2:25). But after they sinned against God, they realized their nakedness and felt shameful (Genesis 3:7). Since then, man and woman have become sinful and their hearts corrupted. Their eyes have fallen short of viewing nakedness with sanctity. For this reason, we cover our body with clothes, not only to protect it from cold, heat and dust, but also from sinful eyes which craves to feed on nakedness. The only time a man and woman lose their shame when they look at the nakedness of each other is during sexual activity. Apart from the act of sex, even husband and wife would be ashamed before each other to live always naked in the house. (Of course, there are exceptions in the case of nudists who are weird folks in society)

Sex (during which a man and woman relish the naked bodies of each other) is God’s gift to mankind, which is to be enjoyed within the boundary of marriage, both for the purpose of reproduction and mutual pleasure. Outside of marriage, whether to think, view and participate in sex is biblically called “sexual immorality” or “immoral use of sex”.

Although this is a figurative language expressing the backslidden state of God’s people, see how it is a shameful thing to expose one’s nakedness, “When she [Jerusalem] carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her nakedness, I [the Lord] turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister [Samaria]” (Ezekiel 23:18). Look at the judgment prophesied by Habbakuk, "Woe to him who gives drink to his neighbors, pouring it from the wineskin till they are drunk, so that he can gaze on their naked bodies” (Habakkuk 2:15).

What do these Scriptures speak? The loving God detests deliberate exposure of nakedness before others, particularly with sensual intent and evoking sensual feelings inappropriately. If exposing one’s nakedness sensually is sinful, is it not sinful too to sensually watch the nakedness of other people? Is not pornography a lustful gaze at other people’s nakedness?

However, when it comes to marriage, it is plainly written, “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:4). In marriage, the Holy Bible says it is good to give each other their bodies for mutual pleasure. It is wrong, in fact, for a married couple not to offer each other their bodies for sex, except by mutual consent, for Satan will tempt them to sin outside of marriage because of their lack of self-control (1 Corinthians 7:5).

Therefore, since a person’s body and the enjoyment of its nakedness belong to one’s own spouse, don’t you suppose it is a shameful and sinful thing to watch the naked body of another person who is not your wife or your husband for sexual stimulation, whether watching it alone or with your spouse?

Remember, nakedness, which is cherished during the act of sex, is a private property of one’s spouse, not a public exposure to all.

2) The object of sexual stimulation should be the body of your own spouse, not sexually explicit pictures and videos wherein the other person’s body is viewed for sensual provocation.

Many don’t give careful thought to what happens when couples watch pornography together for the purpose of stimulating themselves to have sexual intercourse. Are they are not receiving sensual stimulation from others’ bodies, nakedness and sexual act? Don’t you think the bodies of other people would become more stimulating for them than the body of their own spouse? Who ultimately is your source of sexual pleasure—your own spouse or that sexually explicit person in porn?

Here is a fact which many are unaware. Porn stars often build up the structure of their bodies for public attraction. Their breasts and genitals are enhanced surgically. They project themselves in such a sexy way that they become irresistibly fascinating.

Now how does this impact the couple who watch these unusual bodies? The bodies of their own spouses become unappealing in comparison to those projected in porn. Women in particular may feel inferior when they see their body structure not as fascinating as women in porn. Men may even compare their wives with those women in porn, finding themselves more dissatisfied with their wives and more lustful towards other women. They may crave and cherish more of who they see and what they see in porn than their actual marriage partner.

Some women from a study stated:

“I am no longer sexually attractive or desirable to him.” “He’s more attracted to the women depicted in the movies, magazines, and websites than he is to me, and I feel completely unable to compete with these women.” Research has shown that most men experience decreased sexual intimacy with their marriage partner when they are given to porn. (The Men’s and Women’s Program, 2011, pg. 140-141)

Dear couples, do you hear this? In making a decision to watch porn alone or with your spouse, rather than resisting it, you are making a choice to lose yourself from each other’s world. Beware, it could also become an addiction without which, i.e. without looking at the naked bodies and sexual intercourse of other people, you cannot enjoy sex together.

Besides, here is another dangerous thing that could happen when couples watch porn: When watching porn together with a purpose of engaging into sexual activity, there is a high possibility for either of them or both to secretly fantasize having sex with the person in porn while actually having sex with their own spouse. Take note of this: since mind is prone to easily absorb sensual images, what we watch has a terrible impact upon how we think, fantasize and act.

One woman expressed her embarrassment this way: "I am no longer a sexual person or partner to him, but a sexual object. He is not really with me, not really making love to me… He seems to be thinking about something else – likely those porn women… He is just using me as a warm body." (Study by Bergner & Bridges, 2002)

Therefore, dear husbands and wives, let the source and contentment of sexual pleasure be the body of your spouse, not those sexually explicit images and videos of strangers that rob true sexual pleasure within marriage.

Some justify watching porn to learn some sex positions in order to enjoy good sex in marriage. However, the fact is pornography mostly portrays sex in unrealistic ways, particularly hardcore porn wherein sexual images and videos are more violent and has negative impact upon sexual relationship with one’s spouse. But there are good books written with balance and decency about how to stimulate each other sexually, providing good sex techniques for sexual fulfillment in marriage. The following are some books which I confidently recommend:

• The Acts of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Loveby Tim and Beverly LaHaye

• Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriageby Ed and Gaye Wheat

• Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriageby Dr. Kevin Leman

• The Language of Sex: Experiencing the Beauty of Sexual Intimacy in Marriageby Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham

• Answers for Your Marriageby Bruce and Carol Britten

3) Watching pornography together may create more distance between one another, particularly during interpersonal problems.

There are those who are misled into thinking that watching pornography together will build sexual intimacy in marriage. Let us examine this fallacy.

I think, we all agree that marriage is not always a bed of roses. There are good times and there are bad times. When times are good, a husband and wife may enjoy each other sexually, but when difficult times come, i.e. interpersonal problems, where do you think they may turn to satisfy themselves? When husband and wife offend each other and when wife is not in a mood to have sex with her husband, there is a great possibility for her husband to turn to porn for some physical satisfaction. He who is used to watch with his wife will now watch alone for his personal pleasure. This may even lead to addiction to porn, even to some extramarital affair, eventually leading to disastrous family life.

You know, sometimes it is the hunger for sexual satisfaction which drives a man to get reconciled with his wife and to please her. Of course, this may not always be the best motive, but there is at least some good in it which unites him again with his wife. I believe, one of the reasons why God has blessed man with "testosterone hormones" [major sex hormones in males] is so that he would always cleave to his wife. But pornography may rob this possibility, driving a man to nude images and videos of other women and finally leading to emotional and physical affair with others. In a marriage relationship wherein a husband and wife look to each other alone for sexual satisfaction—they cannot stay far away from each other for a long time. Sadly, in our present age, many are looking for sexual satisfaction beyond their marriage partner, consequently leading to irreconcilable relationship and family break-up.

Therefore, don’t you think spouses should discourage each other from watching porn, whether watching together or alone? Don’t you see pornography creates more distance in marriage than intimacy?

Final Words

Sex is not just about the union of two bodies for some physical pleasure. It is most importantly the expression of love within marriage wherein a husband and wife give themselves to each other for one another’s pleasure and satisfaction. For porn stars, sex comes at a price of money or for something else. But in marriage, sex comes at a price of love.

Everyone who is married for sometime may agree to this—to enjoy sex constantly and satisfyingly in marriage, one need to work hard on denying self and loving one’s spouse. Sex is often a gift coupon received for some loving acts towards one’s spouse. For example, when a wife is greatly pleased with affectionate acts manifested by her husband towards her, will she not easily yield to romance and sex?

So, what does this speak? Sex is a pleasure enjoyed in love relationship. Where there is no love, sex loses its purpose, vigor and true satisfaction.

You know, when marriage turns dry and boring, it is not primarily because of lack of good sex, but because of lack of affection for each other. It is because of lack of proper communication. It is because of lack of romance (apart from sex). So the remedy is not watching porn for healthy sex, but improving communication, affection and romance, which inescapably leads to having a healthy sexual life in marriage. The saddest thing in pornography is that there is no manifestation of love. You see just those unmarried partners treating each other like sexual objects. And those who are used to watch porn learn to treat their spouses as simply sexual objects and unlearn how to love another. But God has created sex to have more meaningful expression of love which couples are privileged to enjoy as a result of loving each other.

Let me close this article with a thought by King Solomon, “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love” (Proverbs 5:15-19). In other words, “Seek sexual satisfaction from your spouse alone. Don’t let others to take that place. Don’t look for sexual satisfaction outside your marriage [in our age, turning to porn or to some illicit affair]. Don’t share sex with others. Rejoice in your spouse, enjoy the body of your spouse and may you ever be satisfied by your spouse’s love. Let your wife or husband be the only person in whom you find your physical satisfaction.”

Finally, if you, as a believer, are engaged in watching porn, alone or together with your spouse, I encourage you to flee and resist such temptation by the enabling power of the Holy Spirit. And if you don’t know Christ personally and are caught up in this bondage, I would like to let you know that Christ died for your sins and rose again from the dead to offer you forgiveness of your sins and eternal life. If you trust in Him, you will not only find forgiveness of your sins, but as you keep growing in the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ, you would also learn to grow in loving one another as a blessed family in the Lord.

Enquiries: cstephendavid@gmail.com (or) stephen@tents-india.org