Gentle Mind: dealing with problems

Now, before opening the Word of God, shall we speak to God together in prayer? Our Father, in the name of Thy Son, we bow together before Thee. We have sung of our desire to know more of the Word of God. But it goes beyond that.

We would like to know Thy Son better, like to know Thee better, the ways of God and the heart of God as revealed to us in the Word of God. And so we cry to Thee again today. As we open the Word of God, both speaker and hearer need help from Thee.

The help of the gracious Spirit of God in His ministry to apply divine truth to every heart, to reveal Christ in all the scriptures. And so we humbly commit ourselves to Thee. Again for Thy Son we do return thanks.

We thank Thee for the incarnate Word who has brought into such clarity the fullness of all that God is. And we bless Thee that He moved here in time amongst men. And we thank Thee He is now seated in heaven.

For Him we give thanks as we now look to the opening Thy Word in dependence in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen. I'm going to ask you to turn to Philippians and chapter number four, Philippians chapter four and beginning at verse number one.

Therefore, my brethren, dearly beloved and longed for my joy and crown. So stand fast in the Lord, my dearly beloved. I beseech Yodius and beseech Syntyche that they be of the same mind in the Lord.

I entreat the also true Yoke fellow, help those women which labored with me in the gospel. With Clement also and with others, my fellow laborers whose names are in the book of life. Rejoice in the Lord always.

And again I say rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.

Now while that is our primary reading, I ask you to turn to James chapter three just for a reference, the epistle of James and chapter number three. Look at verse number 16, James chapter three, verse number 16. For where envying and strife is, there is confusion or tumult and every evil work, but the wisdom that is from above, and this was seen in perfection in the Lord Jesus Christ.

The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle. Now that is where I have gotten the title for the message here, the gentle mind. Peaceable, gentle, easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruit without partiality, without hypocrisy and the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.

Now one additional portion, back in the Old Testament in the book of Proverbs and chapter number 18. Proverbs 18 and verse number 13. Proverbs 18 and 13, he that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.

The spirit of man will sustain him but a wounded spirit who can bear. The heart of the prudent getteth knowledge and the ear of the wise seeketh knowledge. A man's gift maketh room for him and bringeth him before great men.

He that is first in his own cause seemeth just. But his neighbor cometh and searcheth him. The lot causeth contentions to cease and parteth between the mighty.

A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city and their contentions are like the bars of a castle. A man's belly shall be satisfied with the fruit of his mouth and with the increase of his lips shall he be filled. Death and life are in the power of the tongue and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

Whoso findeth his wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor of the Lord. The poor useth entreaties but the rich answereth roughly. A man that hath friends must show himself friendly and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.

Now we trust God will add his blessing to the reading of his word. Say something very strange at the outset and you may think, fine, I'll go to sleep. I'm hoping the ministry I give is ministry that will never be necessary to use.

So why give it? Because we live in the real world. And while I would hope that this ministry would never have to be used, in all likelihood, somewhere along life's journey, you will be involved in this in one way or another. The gentle mind and resolving difficulties.

Resolving problems between believers. Let me just give you a little bit of the background of this section if I can. As we're going to see, the background are two sisters and a difficulty they had, which apparently is polarizing the assembly as well.

We're not told the nature of the difficulty and we're given few details. But that's the background. What's in the foreground? In Paul's mind is this.

Their division is canceling the unity he has been so anxious to see preserved. It will affect gospel testimony that he is aware has been a major, major blessing from the assembly at Philippi. It is going to hinder the usefulness of these sisters.

And if our understanding of chapter two where he tells them to work out their own salvation, it is the very existence of the assembly which is at stake in the resolution of this problem. So the background, the foreground, the above ground way that Paul deals with it. There is no behind the scenes maneuvering.

He is straightforward and he approaches it in a godly and in a gentle way. And there was nothing underground about it, absolutely as God would intended to be. So let me talk then about avoiding strife and bitterness and helping to reconcile believers.

Now this could be a difficulty within an assembly, could be a difficulty between two believers, not even in the same assembly. But what we're looking at is a problem. A difficulty has arisen and apparently it has not been able to be resolved privately by these people.

So first of all, there is the awareness of the problem, isn't there? Paul is aware of it. You know, people speak about ignoring the elephant in the room and acting as though there's nothing wrong and difficulties have arisen. Assemblies are polarizing, personalities are galvanizing groups behind them.

Paul is aware of the problem, and Paul is not going to avoid it. He is not going to minimize it. He is aware of a breach between two sisters, and he is aware of the blot on God's testimony, a breach and a blot.

The breach was personal to individuals, but the blot was upon the assembly testimony, and as a result, it's not something that can just be ignored. Now you will understand, we're not speaking about little differences that are between believers and not an issue that is affecting the assembly. Here was something that was affecting assembly testimony, going to affect gospel testimony, had the potential to affect the existence of the testimony, and so Paul is going to address it.

There is a fine line between prying and barging into issues, and having a burden and a care and an exercise to be of help when issues arise. As we'll see, he actually invites his true yoke fellow, whoever that is, to seek to resolve the issue. So this true yoke fellow doesn't barge in, doesn't come in to authoritatively dictate a settlement.

But we'll see how his approach is. So there is, first of all, an awareness of the problem. But I want you to notice Paul's approach to the problem, because I think this is the key that is going to either make us useful or nullify our usefulness.

The first thing you notice is that Paul is impartial. He doesn't even say, I beseech Jodeas and Syntyche. I beseech Jodeas and I beseech Syntyche.

He mentions each of them in the same way, because he is going to be impartial. The moment you take sides, you have nullified your usefulness to resolve the problem. The moment you take sides in a difficulty, you have nullified your ability to help.

Because now you become part of the division. You may say, well, but suppose someone is right and someone else is wrong. That may be the case, but it is rare when a difficulty has persisted that one person is 100% right and someone else is 100% wrong.

It may be 90-10, it may be 80-20, but there usually is some responsibility on each individual in that difficulty if it cannot be resolved. This may sound harsh, but I think I can prove it to you from the scripture. There cannot be strife, now notice the word I'm using, there cannot be strife between two believers without there being carnality on the part of both.

Strife is one of the works of the flesh. You may say, well, how do you explain differences and disagreements and people being angry at you and people accusing you? Let me just take you back to the Lord Jesus. There was never strife between the Lord Jesus and anyone else.

Regardless of the accusations, regardless of the machinations of evil men against him, there was never strife. He never was guilty of strife. And so whenever there is strife, whenever there is contention, as he uses here in this context, there must be wrong on both sides.

Paul does not take sides. Paul does not get involved in, well, I think you're 20% to blame, you're 80% to blame, and I think you've got four apologies to make, you've got one apology to make. Paul doesn't deal that way.

Paul is impartial. And so whether as an assembly overseer, whether as someone trying to help a troubled marriage, someone trying to resolve difficulties between two believers, it is vital that as you enter into it, you explain to those you're speaking to that I cannot take sides. I cannot become partial.

I am not here to tell you who was right or who was wrong. If you do not recognize it from the word of God and the principles that we'll look at, there will never be genuine resolution of the difficulty. So his approach, first of all, is impartial.

Now, while it may seem that Paul is being public here, I think the word of God would teach us the need for confidentiality in dealing with other believers. If believers are going to unburden you with the greatest burdens of their hearts, personal family problems, personal marital problems, difficulties between Christians that have simmered and have smoldered for years. If they are going to unburden themselves, it is incumbent upon you, if you are going to help, to maintain confidentiality.

Come with me, if you will, to Proverbs chapter 18, because I want to look just at Proverbs 18, at some of the issues involved in seeking to be a help. Now, it may seem that Proverbs is a book of disjointed and unrelated sayings, but I think if you really work at the book of Proverbs, you'll see that virtually every chapter has some thrust. You may not want to call it a theme, but something that is underlining and something that is stressing.

So in Proverbs 18, I'm going to suggest to you that what's involved here is what we're looking at in Philippians chapter 4, how to be a help. Notice, first of all, where we began in verse 13. Number one, listen before speaking.

Did you ever go to someone with a question, and before you were done mentioning the question, they gave you the answer? You know what I mean? You start to tell them something burdening you, and they interrupt you, and they give you their answer, and that's supposed to be the end of it. What does that communicate? Communicates a lack of respect, communicates a lack of interest, communicates a sense of know-it-allism. Very hard to just listen.

The writer to the Proverbs says, he that answers a matter before he hears it. So be very, very slow to give advice. Be very, very slow to think you have the answer to resolve this the first minute into the conversation.

He says, listen before speaking. Verse 14, be sensitive to other people's feelings. Be sensitive to other people's feelings.

He tells us here, a wounded spirit, who can bear? He's gonna tell us further down here in this same section of Proverbs 18. Death and life and the power of the tongue. We have the ability to wound people permanently by unwise, unkind, uncompassionate words.

We can slay with a tongue. We can wound severely with a tongue. And so he reminds us here in verse 14, learn to be sensitive to those whom you're dealing with.

Yes, there may be gross wrong on the part of one, and you can begin to see it. But remember, that person is still a person with feeling, with sensitivity. And your goal is not, as we'll see from Paul, your goal is not to decide who's right and wrong.

Your goal is to see two believers restored to each other and restored to the Lord. That's your ultimate goal, is to see restoration and usefulness for God preserved. So be sensitive.

Verse 15, gather as much information as you can before you start getting involved. Verse 16, now I know that verse 16 is usually used to tell young men that if you have a gift, God will bring you to some great usefulness. But when you come to Proverbs, gifts have to do with bribes, sorry, not spiritual gift.

Gift has to do with bribes. And so he tells us in verse 16, be very, very careful of judging because of what another person can do for you. So a person of influence and a person of very little influential account in God's assembly have a difference.

What's the tendency? Where's the natural man move to? If I help him, he is going to help me someday. I want to keep on his good side. He's the one that invites you to lavish cookouts and to lavish dinners and everything.

He's the one that entertains so royally, I want to keep on his good side. Judging unbiasedly because of our own evil hearts is one of the most difficult things to do. To actually judge in the fear of God is very, very difficult.

So we're reminded of that. We're reminded about the fact in verse 17, listen to both sides. I mean, verse 17 is obvious, isn't it? Whoever comes first always seems right.

Whoever gives you their side of the story first, you figure this is an open and shut case. I mean, this is so obvious. It's so clear that this person has been wronged and this person has done wrong.

And I've just got to get this straightened out right now. We have such a tremendous faculty for giving our side of the story in such a nice, positive way. And we can withhold facts, shade the truth, color it so that everything we have done looks so right.

Solomon says, be very, very slow and be careful. Listen to both sides first. Don't rush to judgment.

Don't barge in before hearing both sides of the story. Verse 18 is interesting. We don't cast lots.

What I think verse 18 teaches is this. There are some problems that have to be left to God to resolve. Now that sounds difficult, but I think it's real.

False accusations. Sometimes they cannot be disproven or proven. Character attacks.

And sometimes things have to be left to God to resolve. You and I do not have omniscience. And we sometimes have to leave certain things to God.

Thank God we have a God who does vindicate, who does reveal. In the passing of time, he can deal with those issues. Let me hurry because time is going quickly.

Verse 19, I think should be a verse that should be hung in the walls of every gospel hall. A brother offended is harder to be won, harder to be won than a strong city. He pulls up the bars, won't let you get near, he's been hurt.

He's been offended, and it is not going to be easy to win him. Principle I learned from that is, resolve matters as quickly as possible. Resolve matters personally as quickly as possible.

That's the teaching, isn't it, of Matthew 18. It's the teaching of Matthew chapter 5, leave your gift, go, be reconciled, and so on. To resolve things quickly, don't let them become larger.

Don't let them take on a life of their own. As more and more people take sides, you know what happens? The problem becomes harder and harder to resolve. Because you've told your side of the story to so many people, and they have bought it.

And for you now to acknowledge that maybe it wasn't quite that way. Not only do you have to apologize to the person you've offended, but to all the people you've gotten on your side, taking your case. So, resolve things as quickly, avoid offending brethren if at all possible.

Be conscious of the power of your words. Well, in verse 20, temper judgment with mercy. Verse 21, be conscious of the power of your words.

I like verse 22. You may not like verse 22. I like verse 22.

You may say, what's it got to do with advice? I know there are things that have to be kept confidential. Elders have to keep certain things from their wives. And, well, they should.

Some things can be very depressing. But there are times when I have struggled with something. And my analytical right side of my brain can't come to a decision.

And I have a wife with tremendous insight, sensitivity. It's amazing how often a man can get help from his wife. In terms of understanding issues, understanding problems, and how to approach them.

As just an aside, we're reminded as well, in these verses though, verse number 23 reminds us that the poor and the rich, again, the danger of partiality based on a person's social standing. All of that is part of the issue which is before us here in terms of seeking to be a help in resolving a difficulty. What was Paul's aim in dealing with these two sisters? His aim was not who was right and who was wrong.

He doesn't tell Odius and Syntyche, now look, barrier differences. He doesn't tell them, here is what you ought to do. What he says is this, this.

I beseech thee, true yoke fellow, you treat those women also, which labor with me in the gospel. And he says, I want them to be of the same mind in the Lord. So it is not that one gives in to the other.

It is not that they bury their differences and say, okay, we just won't let this bother us anymore. To be of the same mind in the Lord means that we both submit to lordship claims. What are lordship claims? Do you think the Lord has any claim over how you act in his assembly? Do you think the Lord has any claim over how you treat your brother and your sister? Do you think the Lord has any claim over how you treat your husband or your wife? Or are those things somehow unrelated to his claims as Lord in my life? Paul says, what is going to resolve this difficulty? Is not authoritative pronouncements.

It's not outside interference mandating a settlement. It's not brokering and compromise. It's not just forgetting difficulties that have occurred.

It is submitting to the claims of lordship. So that affects husbands, doesn't it? So marital difficulty in a family? Claim of lordship is the husband takes responsibility for the marriage. Husband takes responsibility for the marriage.

Problem in the marriage? Husband, it's your responsibility before God as leader in that marriage to resolve a problem. Problems in the marriage and a wife is having difficulty? She is told to submit as unto the Lord. Now mind you, submission does not mean subservience.

It does not mean silent acquiescence. It means submitting as unto the Lord, something totally different. What about in the home? Difficulties in the home? Lordship claims there as well.

Difficulties in God's assembly between two believers? What are the claims of lordship over you and the way you treat your other fellow Christians? Colossians 3 reminds us that that section that's seven times over gives lordship claims, Christ all and in all, I beseech you therefore. And it goes into how we should treat each other. In Colossians chapter three, let me just read that quickly as it's vital.

Put on therefore as the elect of God, holy and beloved, vows of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, long suffering, forbearing one another and forgiving one another. If any man have a complaint that even as God for Christ's sake forgave you. So lordship claims, the way I treat you and the way you treat me? Absolutely.

And so as he would bring these two sisters to submit to lordship claims in their lives, his great aim is that each might recognize a responsibility to the Lord and to each other. And ideally what will happen is that they will meet each other, rushing to meet each other, forgiving as God intends them to forgive. But you will notice as well that there is the involvement of this true yoke fellow.

It may have been Epaphroditus, we're not told. But it's interesting the word that Paul uses concerning this true yoke fellow. The word he uses for help, to help, is really the idea of conceiving.

It's the idea of bringing to birth. It's a man who is involved in trying to nurture something, to bring something to birth, a resolution, a resolving of this difficulty, a restoration of two believers. We read that verse, a brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city.

I don't know if you've ever seen two believers who have fallen out. I'm not just saying that they don't get along, I'm saying they've fallen out. If you can be of help in restoring those two to the Lord and to each other, you have done an invaluable service to God's assembly and to God's people.

To restore individuals to each other, to restore them to God. Tremendous service to God's people. And so we have here the approach and the aim.

What about Paul's appreciation for these women? What made it so important to Paul to see these two sisters restored? First of all, they belong to the Lord. You notice what he says? He beseeches for those whose names are in the book of life. That's what made them valuable to Paul.

It wasn't just that Paul was anxious that every assembly he saw planted would really go on well and people would look at Philippi and say, boy, Paul must have done a good job. Look at that assembly doing so well. So overseers should not be concerned that we have to resolve difficulty so that everyone looks at our assembly and thinks what a good job we're doing shepherding.

Young believers may think that doesn't come into the heart of shepherds. Let me tell you, our hearts are so evil that we try to take credit for everything. Paul is interested because these individuals, their names are in the book of life.

That means they're valuable to God. They're valuable to the Lord. Their names are in the book of life.

And so, therefore, they become tremendously important to Paul. Doesn't matter whether they're rich or poor, Proverbs 18 again. Doesn't matter whether they're influential or not influential.

Doesn't matter their social status, their standing. They belong to God. They belong to the Lord.

James takes up that same theme in chapter 2. Have not the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory with respect to persons. And he speaks of the rich man coming in and the poor man coming in. A better rendering of that, I think it's Mr. Darby in one or two other versions.

Have not the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glory or the glorious one. His glory is so overwhelming and overshadowing that no other glory exists in light of his glory, everyone else on the same level. And so here, Paul gives value to them as a result of their place in the book of life.

But also, they were once useful in service and now they are not useful. Notice what he says. I entreat thee also, true yoke fellow, help those women which labored.

Now, it's interesting because the word he uses in the original is they strove together with me. They strove together with me in the gospel. Now, they're striving with each other.

Can you see the difference? Can you see what Paul is getting at? Once they were striving together for the faith of the gospel, chapter 1. Now, they're striving against each other. All of their efforts are misdirected. All of their energy is misdirected.

All of their interests are misdirected. You cannot be at strife with another Christian and at the same time be serving God. You've got your priorities wrong.

Priorities are all wrong. Once they strove with Paul for the gospel, now they're striving against each other. What a tragedy.

What a tragedy for people who have nurtured anger and hatred against another Christian for years. Basically, they have rendered themselves on the sidelines. What a tragedy when there has been strife and polarization within an assembly, and as a result, attention isn't turned outward with the gospel, not turned upward with being able to honor God, but turned inward against each other.

How tragic. It's what Paul views here. Once there was usefulness and service.

Once there was activity for God, reaching the unsaved. Now, there is this inward turn and strife, one against another, the sad reality. What does Paul say? I want to talk about availability.

Paul was available, Epaphroditus was available, human agents that God would use. But there's also something else. He tells us in verse number 5, the Lord is available.

Now, I know there can be a difference here. The Lord is at hand, could mean the Lord's coming is near. Therefore, it isn't time for strife.

He'll vindicate. If you yield, He'll vindicate as far as the right and wrong. But I think it also means the Lord is at hand to help resolve the issue.

Grace will be given. Help will be given. There needs to be a taking of ownership.

If you are involved in a difficulty with another believer, even if you think you are 99% right, you take ownership for the 1%. And the word of God says, you go, you go, and acknowledge your responsibility for whatever part you can, and leave the rest with the Lord. You may say, but I thought he should come to me.

It's interesting. Matthew chapter 5 says, if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and thy brother hath brought it against thee, go and tell him. Or rather, go and first be reconciled to thy brother.

So in that case, I've done something wrong, and I know that my brother has this against me, I've got to go. Matthew 18 says somewhat differently. It says, the one who has offended me, I'm to go to him.

So if I've offended someone, I'm to go. If someone else has offended me, I'm to go. You see, the reality is the spiritual person always takes the lead in seeking restoration.

Spiritual person does not stand back and say, he's got to come to me. She has to come to me. That is absolutely outside of the word of God.

The word of God is clear, unmistakable, definitive. Where there is a difficulty, whether you are the offender or the one offended, the word of God says, go. Well, you may say, well, if both of us do it, what will happen? You'll meet halfway, won't you? You'll meet halfway.

It'd be very, very simple to resolve that problem if you're both going. But the spiritual person always takes the lead. Someone says, I want proof from the word of God.

Let me give it to you. Genesis 13, the very beginning of our Bible, there was strife between the herdsmen of Lot and the herdsmen of Abraham. Abraham, the patriarch, Abraham, the leader, Abraham, the man of God, Abraham, the man of faith, Lot, the tag-along, Lot, the weak Christian, Lot, the one who was prone to backsliding.

Who went first to resolve the difficulty? Abraham told Lot, let there be no strife between us. The spiritual person always takes the lead. You can never sit back.

If you do, you're saying, I am carnal. I am looking for my pound of flesh. I am looking for my apology.

I am looking for him to come crawling, groveling, recognizing what he has done. The spiritual person takes the lead. The Lord is available for grace.

The Lord is available for all that we need because this is unnatural. This is not what we would naturally do. The Lord is available.

Let me close just by saying here the areas of concern that Paul had. We've kind of touched on them because, you see, really, what he brings this into is a spiritual test for two sisters. It really becomes a spiritual test of submission to lordship claims in their life.

So he takes a mundane, everyday issue, and he says, this really is not separate from spiritual life. This is part of what God expects. Every aspect of our lives comes under the umbrella, the province of the lordship claims of Christ.

He's concerned about the emotional state of these sisters and the assembly, an assembly torn by, as we'll see, anxiety and stress and division and all that went with it, distraction, all that he has in mind here. He had in mind the usefulness of these sisters as well. That was what was at stake.

And he had as well the testimony of the assembly to the world was also at stake as a result of the issue that was brewing. Maybe that's a poor word to use, the issue that was simmering at Philippi. God in his wisdom has not told us what the problem was.

Because then we would think these principles would just apply to this kind of problem. But here's a difficulty. Here's a distancing and a division between sisters that was perhaps affecting the whole assembly.

And he says, submit, submit to lordship claims. Seek with God's help to resolve the difficulty. The gentle mind of which James speaks in James chapter three should mark every assembly overseer.

The wisdom that descends from above is first of all pure. Then gentle, easy to be entreated, marked by meekness, and so on. Reminding us of the attitude, the mindset that should mark every individual, whether overseer or any other individual seeking to help in the resolving and the resolution of a personal or an assembly difficulty.

These are the things that should mark them and should lead to peace, to blessing, and to fruitfulness in God's assembly.