My relationship with my spouse

Now we turn please to the book of Genesis and chapter 1. The subject before us is scriptural spousing. I'm not sure that's a word but I made it for the occasion. A word born for a moment.

Scriptural spousing. Husband and wife relationships and what the Word of God has to say about them. Now this is a huge subject we will just touch on what I think are a number of salient points and leave it there.

Chapter 1 verse 26, and God said, let us make man in our image after our likeness and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, the fowl of the air, the cattle over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image. In the image of God created he him, excuse me, male and female created he them.

And God blessed them and God said unto them, be fruitful and multiply, replenish the earth and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea and the fowl of the air over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. Chapter 2 verse 15, and the Lord God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it and the Lord God commanded the man.

Notice that. Verse 18, and the Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone. I will make him and help meet for him.

And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, every fowl of the air and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them whatsoever. Adam called every living creature. That was the name thereof.

And Adam gave names to all cattle, to the fowl of the air, to every beast of the field. But for Adam, there was not found that help meet for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept.

And he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh instead thereof. And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, this is now bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh.

She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Chapter 3 then details for us the sad, tragic fall. Verse 16, God says to Eve, unto the woman, he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception. In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children.

Thy desire shall be to thy husband and he shall rule over thee. And unto Adam, he said, because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, as Deaton of the tree of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it. Cursed is the ground for thy sake.

In sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life. Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee. Thou shalt eat the herb of the field and the sweat of thy face.

Thou shalt eat bread. So thou return unto the ground for out of it was thou taken. For dust thou art and unto dust shalt thou return.

Now the New Testament, please. And for the sake of time, just 1 Corinthians in chapter 7, we'll just read a few portions and then refer to many others. 1 Corinthians in chapter 7. Verse number 1. Now concerning the things were of, he wrote to me.

It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife. Let every woman have her own husband.

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence and likewise also the wife to the husband. The wife hath not power or authority of her own body, but the husband. And likewise also the husband hath not authority of his body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that you may give yourself the fasting and prayer and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. Colossians, please, and chapter 3. We'll just break in here at verse number 18. Colossians 3 verse 18.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them. And just one other verse perhaps for the sake of time.

First Peter in chapter 3. He has just given instructions to wives who would have unsaved or at least unbelieving husbands. Verse number 7 he addresses. Husbands, likewise ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered.

Now we trust that God will bless the reading of his word along with what has already gone before. Relationships. Husband and wife relationships.

I want to talk about just a number of broad categories and we will have to touch them quickly and not spend a great deal of time on any one of them. If you're single today and maybe marriage is in the future, it wouldn't hurt to make a little file in your little computer bank and just file it away for future reference. And if you are married then hopefully what we say may be of help to you this afternoon.

I want to talk about recognizing the natural differences. Recognizing natural differences. I want to talk about investing in a marital relationship.

We want to talk about enhancing or nourishing rather, nourishing a spiritual relationship. We want to talk about cherishing an emotional relationship and finally enhancing a physical relationship. So recognizing natural differences in the relationship, then as well looking at investing in a marital relationship, of nourishing the spiritual relationship that's present in a marriage, of cherishing in the emotional realm that exists in a marriage, and finally enhancing in the physical realm.

So let me just briefly then come to recognizing natural differences. In case you haven't noticed, men and women are different. Very different.

In fact, I am continually amazed as I learn more and more about the differences between men and women. And I've got firsthand knowledge. A good teacher, anyway.

But let me just mention about what is implied. What I mean by what is implied is, why did God make two different kinds? I mean, those of you who have been through high school biology know that there are some species that are self-propagating. God did not need two different genders to somehow carry on the race.

He could have managed in his wisdom to have developed a self-propagating gender that could just reproduce itself. Certain plants do that. Certain animals do that.

He didn't need two. So the very fact that God made two suggests that God must have had something in mind, something implied by that, some lesson, something to teach us some value for us. What is implied? But I want you to think of what seems to be built into men, what seems to be built into women, what makes us different as far as our whole approach to things.

Now, you can later on bludgeon me if you want, if you think I'm being a gender-conscious male chauvinist of some kind, but I think scripture teaches differences. Let me just show them to you, if you'll just bear with me for a moment. From the moment Adam comes upon the scene of creation, Adam is goal-oriented, he is task-oriented, he is the one with the answers and the solutions.

I mean, you cannot read Genesis 2 and 3 without recognizing that God gave responsibility to Adam. It was Adam who was given a job to do. It was Adam who was given responsibility for naming the animals.

It was Adam who came up with the answers and the solutions. He was goal-oriented, he was task-oriented, he was solution-oriented, he was invested with responsibility, he was leadership-oriented by God, not by society. There was no society which conditioned Adam to be a leader.

He was not raised with trucks and with soldiers. He was made that way. That's how God made him.

What about Eve? Eve was made for a relationship. Eve was made relationship-oriented. She was made for Adam, to help Adam, to develop Adam, so that while the man is goal and task and responsibility and leadership-oriented, God made women relationship-oriented.

Related to her husband, her children, relationship-oriented. She was nurturing, sensitive. God invested her with all of that from the beginning.

Now I know, I can see some sitting here, you know a woman who is different than that, and you know a man who is different from that. Yeah, there are exceptions. We are speaking about manhood and womanhood as coming from the hand of God and how God made us.

Now some might say, you know, what's that got to do with what we're talking about? Well, it's got a lot to do with it, as we'll see, if you'll just bear with me for just a moment and follow through. Not only are there these unique parts, but there are, as a result of that, there are inherent priorities that each gender has. The male is, by constitution from God, he is significance-oriented.

Finds his significance in what he does. So when men get together, what's the first thing they talk about? Not their children, not their house. Talk about their jobs, don't they? What do you do for a living? What do you do for a living? That's where we find our significance is in our work.

That's why so many men have difficulty with retirement. No more significance. But we find our significance in what we do.

In our leadership, in our roles, in our tasks, in our accomplishments. That's where we find our significance. What do women talk about when they get together? Children, grandchildren, house? Because women are relationship-oriented.

That's what matters to women, is their relationships. That's how God made us. You might say, you know, I think you're stretching it.

Well, let me just give you a few biblical examples. Linked with all of this is the fact that men are fact and goal-oriented. Women are feeling and relationship-oriented.

So that while men say, just tell me the facts, women say, I want you to know how I feel. And while men say, what's the solution? Women are looking for sympathy. And while a man is saying, let's fix it, the woman says, let's feel it.

And when he says, let's tackle it, she says, let's talk about it. You know, totally different, coming at it from different ends altogether. Now, let me just give you some biblical examples.

One day there was a man named Pilate. And before him stood the Lord Jesus Christ. And Pilate is, you know, in his mind, you can just imagine him, can't you? Just summing up all the political ramifications.

His little mind is working like an adding machine. Here are the pluses, here are the minuses. And I've got to decide what to do with this man.

What's best for me politically. In comes his wife and she says, I don't care what you think politically. All I know is I don't feel right about this.

I couldn't sleep. I've suffered many things this day in a dream. I don't care what the facts are.

Here are my feelings. Just don't have anything to do with it. Now that, if you're like I am, that blows your mind when your wife says, I don't care about the facts.

Forget all the facts. Forget all your calculations and all of your reasoning. Here's how I feel.

Because we are fact and solution and analytical and logical. Not that women aren't logical, but women are much more intuitive, much more sensitive. And we are totally out of it when it comes to that.

God made us differently. You remember, don't you, Hannah, as she is weeping before God because she cannot have a child. And there's a bitter rival named Penina.

And she is heaping it on her because she doesn't have a child. And along comes Elkana and says, what's wrong? Look, here is a double portion for you. Here is twice as much as I'm giving Penina just to show you that I love you.

Isn't that enough? Am I not better unto you than ten sons? So that while she is looking for sympathy, here's the solution to Elkana. Here's a little bit more money. Here's a little bit more for you to have when you go shopping.

Isn't that enough? Totally different. So this difference of looking at things immediately brings in potential problems. There are differences in concepts.

There are differences in communication. There's differences in the counsels we give because we're coming at things from totally different ends. Let me give you some examples that I think you can identify with.

Have any of you men ever made the serious blunder of agreeing to go shopping with your wife? Okay. Shopping. Sounds simple.

In those early halcyon days of early marriage when, you know, in your mind was still this idea to do everything together like when you're courting, when you're dating, you know, your wife says, you know, I want to go shopping. I need to get a dress. Good.

Let's go. Now, unfortunately, we live where there are five huge malls within about ten minutes. It's maddening.

But anyway, you end up in one of these malls with your wife and you go into the first store and she sees a dress and tries it on and she looks great. Price is right. Do you like it? Yeah, this is a great dress.

Okay. Good. Let's get it.

Let's go. I said I wanted to go shopping. But you found the dress.

I said I wanted to go shopping. Look, you said you wanted to come. Yeah, but you found it.

I want to look at other stores. But you like it. Yeah.

And the right price. Right. You look good in it.

Yes. Right. Color.

Yeah. But I want to go shopping. You see, shopping to you and to me means you see it, you get it, you go to a woman.

Shopping is an experience. We're goal oriented. You know, my family jokes that the longest I spend in a mall is 15 minutes once.

And that was because I got lost. Okay. I got lost in the mall.

I had to find my way out again. So it took me all of 15 minutes. You know what you want.

You go, you get it, and you leave. That's, you know, the male mentality. Get it and go.

You're task oriented. You know what you want. You go and get it.

Whereas a woman wants the experience of shopping. Same thing, you know, the telephone. The telephone.

You know, people joke about me. I get on the phone and, you know, I've got three things to say. One, two, three.

Okay. And that's it. Hang up.

You know, my wife says she's on the phone. She's talking to maybe her daughter, sister, or her friend. And, you know, hour, hour and 15 minutes, hour and a half.

Finally she hangs up and you say, so what's new? What were you talking about? Nothing. Hour and a half of nothing? Yeah. Nothing.

You see, we use the phone to communicate. She uses the phone to socialize. Totally different thing.

Talking means something different to both of us. You talk because you want to convey something and when you're done conveying it, you're done. Hang up.

They just talk because it's a way of relating to someone. Nothing wrong with it. That's the big thing to recognize.

There's nothing wrong with either of these. But if we are coming at it from different angles, coming at it from different viewpoints, then it can lead to tremendous difficulty. So that there is, there are potential problems in our concepts, in our use of words.

We mean different things. In our counsel that we give and in our communication one with another, it is a tremendously different thing. So there are not only these inherent priorities and these potential problems.

Let me just mention one other thing. Back to Genesis again. In case some would question that maybe this idea of men being goal and task oriented, men being accomplishment oriented is a little bit far-fetched and women being relationship oriented is a little bit strained, just think of what God put his finger upon when he judged the man and the woman.

Now just think of it for a moment. What did he say to Eve? Eve, I am going to affect all of your relationships. Thy desire shall be to thy husband and he shall rule over thee and in sorrow shalt thou conceive.

So he touched her relationships. What did he touch when he wanted to impress Adam with his sin? Adam, from now on when you try to accomplish your tasks, it is going to be frustration. Thorns and thistles will yield in the sweat of thy brow and Adam, your significance, dust to dust.

Now you might say, my, that seems awfully hard of God to take what was so important to the woman and what was so important to the man and actually to put his finger upon both of those things as punishment for sin. No, not really because what God wanted to teach them is the same thing he is trying to teach us. That my ultimate significance doesn't come from what I do but from my relationship with him.

That is what he wanted them to find from the very beginning. You are not going to find significance in your job. You are not going to find significance in your accomplishments.

Not going to find significance in the titles that you have beyond your name or over your office door. If you want to find ultimate significance, you will find it in your relationship with me. And as far as the security that a woman seeks in her relationships, he was teaching her it won't be found in a husband.

There will be problems. And it won't be found in your relationship with your children as wonderful as that is. The ultimate is your relationship with me.

God was driving them both back to himself. I think that is wonderful. I think that is tremendous that when God would come in and touch things in people's lives because of their sin, he would touch the very things that would drive them back to himself to find everything in him.

How wonderful of God. It is almost as though judgment is being mingled with compassion and kindness on the part of God. Inherent differences, potential problems, but as well intended profits.

Why did God make us different then? Why did God make women with one way of looking at life and men with another way of looking at life? Was it to be competitors? Or was it to be collaborators? It was intended, first of all, to balance one another. That not one of us would begin thinking that we have the whole slant on life. Intended to balance us.

And every husband who fails to recognize the value of his wife and his balance is missing out on a tremendous blessing God has intended for him. To realize that God has placed us together in marriage because we need each other's way of looking at life. Need each other.

I need my wife's intuitive, sensitive, compassionate view of things. And she needs my analytical reasoning type of approach to things as well. We need each other.

Intended to balance each other in life. Intended as well to bless each other. To be a blessing one to the other.

It's not that I sit back and say, well, you've got all the intuitiveness and all the sensitivity, and I've got all the logic, so let's just, no. I should be learning from her. I should be developing those qualities myself.

And likewise, she from me. Intended to balance. Intended to bless.

Intended to build up our relationship one with another. God intended it for profit. Intended it for our mutual blessing.

Headship. We don't have time to touch on it in great detail, but headship and help meet. God has invested leadership in the male.

The husband is the head of the wife. Linked with headship, linked with leadership is tremendous responsibility and accountability before God. You know who God is going to hold responsible for the kind of marriage you have? I take it that headship involves responsibility.

I take it that headship means I will answer to God for my marriage. Oh, you might say, but maybe it's all your wife's fault. No.

God says I'm responsible. I'm responsible to take the lead in solving problems. I'm responsible to take the lead in resolving difficulties that exist between us.

I'm responsible for seeking to move our marriage in the right direction for God and to enhance it and to have it grow and to have it be the marriage God intends it to be. I'm responsible. Headship is not being boss.

Headship is being responsible before God for the marriage. Ephesians chapter 5 teaches me that headship involves responsibility for the welfare of my wife, for her emotional, for her spiritual, and for her physical well-being. So let me come then to investing in a marital relationship.

It is going to mean a sacrifice of time. If you are going to have the marriage God intends, you're going to have to invest in it. Investing time at every stage of your marriage.

Children can't come in to somehow rob you of that time you need together. Can't allow work to interfere and somehow take a priority. Can't allow outside activities to invade and to somehow put a distance between you.

Everything in our society will drive you apart. There's nothing in society that will bring marriages closer together. Learn that early.

It's not going to come naturally. It's not going to just happen because you once were in love and everything was so great and you both said, I do, and you turned and faced the audience and someone said, it's my privilege to present to you, so-and-so, Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so. That doesn't make it work.

It is going to take effort. Going to take time, first of all. Time that you both set aside for each other in your marriage relationship.

It is going to take not only time but thought. Going to have to think about how can I be a better husband? How can I support my wife in a better way? How can I help my husband in a better way? How can I be the help me God intends me to be? To help him in every sphere of life. To help him to be a better father.

Yeah, that's part of a wife's helping ministry. Helping her husband to be a better father. Helping him in the spiritual realm to be that the individual he could be in the assembly for God or in his sphere and his usefulness of his gift for God.

Going to take thought. It's going to take talent. And it's going to take tenacity.

Have to keep at it. In those early years of marital bliss when you're first married with no other distractions, it's going to have to work there. In those years when children begin coming and demands are made upon both of you that weren't made before, it's going to take tenacity.

Going to have to keep at it. As the children grow and teenage years comes and problems seem to multiply and the children begin playing one against the other adeptly and with tremendous skill and your marriage is being, it's going to take tenacity. Keep at it.

And when the children are gone, tenacity. Have to keep at it. At every stage of marital development, it will take effort on your part.

You will have to invest time and thought and talent into the issue of your marriage to make it all that God intends it to be. But let me mention nourishing in the spiritual realm. The establishing of spiritual customs.

Reading and praying. Individual time for reading and praying. Praying together.

There are no rules, no regulations. If someone were to say to me, find me a verse that says that husband and wife have to pray together. No, I'd have a hard time finding you a verse that says husbands and wives have to pray together.

But I think you should. I think couples who are courting should pray together. And read together.

That may sound strange, but I think you should. You know, it's pretty easy to be phony. Except when you're praying.

Pretty hard to be phony when you're praying. If you can, there's something wrong. I mean, if you can be a total hypocrite while you're praying and pretend to be someone you're not, something's wrong.

Hard to be that way. You get to know a person when they're praying. Get to know what really matters to them when they're praying.

When you hear what's on their hearts. Tremendous insight. The establishing of spiritual customs.

Let me remind then married couples, those who would be married someday, those who intend to be married someday, that a marital relationship is also a spiritual relationship. A spiritual relationship. God has brought you together for spiritual good as well as propagating the species and a convenient way to raise children and a nice way to live.

And it's nice not to be alone. No, there's something far more. He's brought you together for a spiritual relationship as well.

And so there is the establishing of spiritual customs. Not only reading and praying together, but the need for sensitivity to each other's individual need for time to read and pray. That can be critical because, you know, if a wife is home all day with the children and she's hardly spoken to an adult for eight or 10 hours, all she's done is baby talk and all the rest.

And you walk through the door and you know, you've been battling the lions and tigers out there in the business world for 10 hours and fighting traffic as well, perhaps on the way home. And now she wants your undivided attention. It's hard, difficult.

But likewise, for you to ignore her is also pretty difficult when she's had nothing but children all day and she's longing for some adult companionship. It's hard for her, too. There needs to be a sensitivity to each other and a recognition that each needs time alone with God that if there's a wife, a mother, and she has several children, any anybody with more than one child soon discovers that one child is not enough.

One is an owl and the other is a lark. You know, one is awake at six in the morning and the other one stays up till 11 or 12 at night. And she hardly has a half hour in between those time spans.

Their naps never coincide. And you know what it's like. Well, a husband has to be sensitive that his wife needs time for her own spiritual life, time to read, time to pray.

So it might mean he's got to pitch in and do something with the children for an hour to give her a break, to give her her own time alone with the Lord. Please do not think the only one with an important spiritual life is you because you take part. Your wife has just as much of a need for a spiritual life as you do.

Just as much. In fact, in fact, it is harder. It is harder for our sisters than it is for our brethren.

You know why? If I decide one week I don't feel like reading, it doesn't take long till everybody begins to recognize, hey, we heard that before. It's the same thing he said a week ago. Same thing he said two weeks ago.

He's kind of just winging it, you know? He's just going on stale material. So that men have kind of an external pressure, you know? I'm not saying that's the right thing, but we do have an external pressure that you have to keep at it. You have to keep it your book.

Because everyone will soon know if you're not. But now, who knows if a woman isn't? She's not getting up Sunday morning taking part. She's not taking her turn in the Bible reading, opening the chapter.

As long as everything looks good on the outside, she could just coast, couldn't she? She could just coast so easily that everybody would think it's wonderful. She's got a hat on, long hair, appropriately attired, must be okay. A sister could coast like that for years, until finally she's faced with some big decision and all of a sudden she flips, goes the other way in life.

And we wonder, what happened there? So you have to be sure, dear brother, that your wife is enjoying the Lord just as you are, and developing in her spiritual life for God. So the establishing of spiritual customs, the determining of spiritual convictions. While a husband is responsible for the guidance and the tone of the home, the whole character, the convictions that control that home are jointly made by both.

It's not that he abdicates his responsibility. He still stands responsible before God. But together they make those decisions, those convictions.

As they read and pray together and as their spiritual life develops, what kind of home are we going to have? What is going to be the priority of this home? Is this home going to be open to the Lord's people, open to entertain, a place where the word of God is honored, a place where the world is kept out, a place where spiritual standards are maintained? How do the convictions come as a result of a husband and wife in their spiritual relationship, developing those before God? The enhancing of spiritual conversation. What do you talk about? What do the husbands and wives talk about when they're together? The weather, the children, the job, yeah, but hopefully there's some place where spiritual things are discussed. Not the idea of preaching at each other and not the idea of manipulating each other by the word of God, you know, using a verse to try to get your husband to do what you want him to do, but rather sharing together the truth of God, sharing together the word of God, sharing together divine things.

The enhancing by spiritual conversation and then the richness of spiritual cultivation. Two people who can be a help one to another, who can encourage each other in their usefulness for God, in their development of gift, in their being able to be a help in the assembly, cultivating each other's usefulness, just lifting each other up and being a help one to another. When one's discouraged, the other able to come close and just encourage them.

That's tremendous. That's a tremendous blessing in a marriage that God has given us. And so there is the nourishing then, the nourishing of this spiritual relationship together by our customs, reading and praying, by our convictions, by our conversation, by our cultivation, the nourishing of a spiritual relationship.

Let me briefly mention as well the cherishing in the emotional realm, to be aware of emotional needs. Colossians 3. Now, for the sake of young Christians, Colossians and Ephesians are what we call sister epistles. If you were to read Colossians and to read Ephesians, there are many verses that almost sound like they're just repeating each other.

Almost identical verses, or at least identical concepts. You remember Ephesians chapter 5, husbands, love your wives. And then Paul takes off on about a seven or eight verse description of that love, liking it to Christ and his church, nourishing and cherishing.

For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and cleave to his wife and so on. He says, husbands, love your wives, and he takes off on a long dissertation about how love expresses itself. When he comes to Colossians, he says, husbands, love your wives, and then he just says, be not bitter against them.

Just a short one sentence bullet. Why is it? Now, again, you're going to be left with just my opinion here, but you can take it for what it's worth. Why is it that he just mentions that one aspect of husbands? Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

Could it be that the reason that he introduces that to husbands is because in a marital relationship, a wife is much more sensitive to the emotional climate, to the emotional temperature than a husband is. A husband can come and go blissfully and think everything is wonderful. He can be happy that his meals are made, his clothes are taken care of, his home is, you know, just so long all those things are taken care of.

My, you know, does it get any better, he might say. But a wife frequently is looking for an emotional dimension that many times is lacking. And we as men, for the most part, now there is the rare exception, for the most part, we as men are totally insensitive to that.

And there is the possibility that cruelty in the emotional realm could absolutely devastate a wife. And so he says, husbands, the last thing you want to do is to lower the emotional temperature. Don't you allow bitterness to come into your relationship.

So there needs to be an awareness that it's not enough just to bring home the money, take care of the house, pay the bills, provide the clothes, provide the car. That's not enough. Or you might say, boy, they really want a lot from us.

No, it's what God wants from you, not what they want from you. This is not a matter of some 20th century or 21st century now need that women have they didn't have before. We are going back to first century writing in which Paul and the Spirit of God say, husbands, you be aware of this, that in the emotional realm there is an awareness you need to have that is not natural to you as a man.

You're not aware of the emotional sphere. Now, I don't like to lapse into just secular things, but if you'll just allow this, just maybe an aside to further this. At most of these marriage seminars and marriage encounter things that they have, they ask people to rate their marriages on a 0 to 10 scale.

You know, where would you put your marriage on a 0 to 10 scale? Invariably, invariably. You know who rates the marriage higher? The men. Oh, my marriage is a 10.

And a wife says, no, my marriage, our marriage is a 6. You don't realize there's something missing. We're totally, totally ignorant of that missing dimension. Paul says, the first thing I want you to do is to be aware of a particular need that exists in your marriage.

Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3 also say the same thing. It speaks about being careful with our tongues. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but rather that which is good to the use of edifying.

And then he speaks about being kind, tender hearted. Oh, someone says, that's speaking to how Christians treat one another, isn't it? That's got nothing to do with me and my wife. Really? Maybe your wife is a Christian.

Maybe it applies there too. That everything you say should be ministering grace to the hearer. We have a responsibility then not to destroy with words, but to minister grace to those who are listening and awareness of emotional need and availability for emotional support.

That's what Peter is talking about in 1 Peter 3. Husbands dwell with them according to knowledge, according to what you know of her makeup. Now, it's not weakness. Her emotional bent is not a weakness.

You've got your weaknesses too, whether you know it or not. It is her constitution. It is the way God made her.

And in light of that, you should dwell with her according to knowledge, giving honor unto the weaker vessel. Now, some might say, in what sense is she a weaker vessel? I don't think it's referring to physical there because that's not the context. And I don't think, absolutely don't think it's spiritual because that's certainly not true.

Many of our wives outstrip us as far as spiritual strength and character. So what is he referring to? I think what he's referring to is the context of that entire portion. That the wife has taken the place of submission.

Whenever a person places themselves in submission to another, they have made themselves vulnerable. Now, he says, she has taken the place of submission. She has given up the right for self-determination.

Don't you take advantage of that? Don't you abuse that? Don't you crush her by your behavior? Giving honor unto her. You know what honor means? It means giving first consideration to her. That's what it means.

That's what Paul speaks of when he writes in Romans. Giving honor unto her. Preferring one before another.

Seeking the other's welfare before my own. An availability for emotional support. To be there for her.

I had to learn some lessons with tears. I learned some lessons the hard way. You know, there were times when, especially raising children, you'd come home and your wife would be almost in tears.

Problems. Difficulties. Dilemmas.

And you would come through the door like the prince in shining armor and you had the solution. And all she was looking for was an arm around her shoulder. No words.

No need for some big explanation. No need for some great solution. Just a little hug.

Just an arm around the shoulder. Jesta, you must have had a pretty rough day. Why don't you sit and tell me about it? Now that's the hardest thing for me to do is sit and listen.

I still have trouble. I have difficulties sitting. I'm almost pulling the words out of her.

Let's get to the end of the story. Just tell me what happened. And they've got to go through the feelings and what happened.

And what took two minutes to occur takes 20 minutes to tell. And I had to learn painfully that that's so necessary. Being available for emotional support.

Finally, appreciating the emotional communication that exists between spouses. Cherishing in the emotional realm. Let me close by just mentioning enhancing in the physical realm.

Could I talk about the purity of marital intimacy? The purity of marital intimacy. We didn't read it in Hebrews 13. Marriage is honorable in all things and the bed undefiled.

God views marital intimacy in absolute purity. And it is a husband's and wife's responsibility to enhance that relationship. It is an integral part of marriage.

It is not a concession that has been made to weak, failing human beings to kind of get them through. God sees it as an integral part and he sees it in absolute purity. There is absolutely no taint of defilement related to marital intimacy.

And it is a responsibility of a husband and wife together to enhance that aspect of marriage to make it all that God intends it to be. But 1 Corinthians chapter 7, which is the clearest and the most explicit handling of the subject in our New Testament, is interesting from several different vantage points. What I find especially important is that when it takes up the physical aspect of marriage, it does not mention headship.

It does not mention submission. It mentions mutuality. That a husband has not authority over his own body.

That when a man has taken the step of marriage, he has ceded, he has yielded control of his body to his wife. And likewise, when a wife has entered into marriage, she has yielded control of her body to her husband. There is a mutuality that is involved in marriage that is vital.

It is not a place for giving orders. Do I have to underline that for you? Not a place for making demands. Do I have to underline that? It's not a place where we play games, where we withhold as a means of getting what we want or manipulating what we want.

That's absolute disaster to a relationship. God intends there to be an absolute mutuality, a mutual respect, a mutual appreciation, a mutual affection. Mutuality is what stamps itself upon 1 Corinthians chapter 7 as we look at it.

That mutuality, that appreciation for each other, he says, is so vital that there should never be a withholding. There never should be an abstaining unless it is with what? Mutual consent for a purpose and just for a season. Because in the most intimate, in the most personal of human relationships, Satan will exploit it if it's for any other reason than that.

Now please learn that early in your marriage life. God did not intend the physical union in marriage to be a game that we play with each other, to withhold or to give depending on what we're getting in the relationship. That if we're angry, now I appreciate the emotional aspects of it.

Don't misunderstand me. But it's not a matter that I punish or that I manipulate. But the only reason scripture gives for abstaining is a spiritual one, to give themselves the fasting and prayer.

Now you might say, does that still happen today? Yes, it does. And there are men that move amongst us that know what it is to have to, for the sake of the work of God, be absent from home for weeks or months at a time. It's all the spiritual purpose, only with the consent of both, and then coming together.

So that you will understand that there is a responsibility in the physical realm of marriage that is intimately, now please get this, intimately linked with the spiritual realm. That failure in that physical realm will be exploited by Satan in the spiritual. Less Satan should get an advantage.

So it is not just something we shouldn't talk about. It's not something we should hide. I realize the dignity of an assembly platform requires it be spoken of with decorum, but here is the word of God.

Here is divine truth. That there is to be a mutuality in this physical realm. The purity of intimacy, the beauty of intimacy.

You cannot read parts of a song of song in other places without realizing the beauty that God intended. Proverbs. Reality in the physical realm.

Reality means that there will be need for learning, there will be need for patience, need for communication. The danger of wrong expectations, my time is gone, there's no time for that. Let me just mention one other thing, and I think it vital to mention it.

Not just the purity and the beauty and the reality. Could I just sound a warning note about infidelity? Infidelity in a marital relationship. There is nothing, nothing you can say or do that will so destroy what may be years of married life together as marital infidelity will.

I know we live in a society that not only allows it, but almost requires it. Almost makes it seem like somehow you're missing out and you're just being so narrow. Hormongers and adulterers God will judge.

Could I just remind you of the absolute purity God expects in marital relationships? Should not be any place given. More could be said, danger of the Internet, danger of pornography, danger of videos, danger even of television. I'm not here to rail against television, but the ads, just the advertisements.

50% of advertisements appeal to the physical. You know what I mean. In some way insinuating or showing or displaying.

Can't even watch ads on television without being defiled, without your mind beginning to race. Do all you can to enhance the spiritual, the physical, the emotional. Because as Peter tells us in his epistle, marriage is the grace of life.

Now some take that, I know, to be being saved. I take it in the context. What he's saying is marriage is the icing on the cake of life.

Marriage is that icing that God has put on the cake. Yeah, the cake is great without the icing, tastes good, but boy, when you get the icing on top, there's nothing like it. And let me tell you, there's nothing like, there is nothing on earth as far as human relationships, nothing like a good marriage.

Wonderful. It's the icing on the cake. Whatever flavor you like, that's the flavor it is.

Tremendous. Make your marriage all God intends it to be. Go in for being the spiritual spouse that God would have you to be because it is the grace of life.

Shall we pray? Our Father, we bow before thee. We commit to thee thy word. We have spoken of things which are personal, things which have to do with the intimate lives of thy people.

And yet, Father, we have sought to do it in light of the scripture and the fear of God. We commit back to thee thy word and trust that it will be a blessing. Trust that it will be a means of encouragement and help to all who are here.

There are those who are not married who are looking forward to the future and days of marriage. There are young couples here that are just beginning in a marital life. Others who are further along with young families and still others who are further along the way and have known many, many years of marital enjoyment and bliss together.

We would pray that whatever the need and whatever the stage of development, we all might profit from the word of God to enhance and to improve the nature of our marriages, that there may be that from our marriages which would bring honor and glory to thee. We turn from our failing love and our failing expressions of that love to the love of the ultimate bridegroom. Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.

We thank thee for him. We thank thee for his work at Calvary that has brought us into the security of eternal love. And bless and thank thee once again for all of thy goodness and all of thy mercy to us through him.

Help us now as we would sing a hymn. Watch over us in this short interval, we pray, as we would now return thanks to thee for the refreshments that have been provided by thy people again for us. In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, amen.