I am in too much of a mess, I thought. How can I come out of this?
“You have to give it all over to the Lord,” Said Betty Willems.
I saw that Satan wanted to keep me from trusting my Lord fully. As if a veil were taken off my eyes, I saw my unfaithfulness, my independent, proud spirit and selfish desire to have everything the way I wanted it. I broke down before my heavenly Father, who had been so faithful all these years…
My anxiety settled down, and for the first time in a long while I let God be God in my life again. I was willing to ask God’s Holy Spirit to search my heart. Gently He showed me my unconfessed sin, which I had tried to correct myself without avail, even though I knew that only the blood of Jesus Christ could wash away my sin. I experienced the overwhelming joy of being forgiven, free from guilt and shame. Satan’s accusations no longer had power over me. By faith I claimed what it says in Galatians 2:20: “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me.”
In practical terms this meant dying to many ambitions in my life. I had to be willing to give up secular and even church positions. I realized that often I took credit for things God had really accomplished through me, using the gifts He had given me. I came to thank Him that I was nothing in myself, but that He was working through me and was due all of the praise. How relaxing it was not to need to reach out for recognition anymore!
God’s Spirit also moved convicting of a critical spirit and a loveless spirit. I was able to ask forgiveness for being easily offended, for trying to hide my inner hurts and pains and not giving others the opportunity to pray for me.
One day, as I read I John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,” I was deeply broken before my Father, humbled by his forgiveness, grace and mercy. There, as I confessed my sins, a joy of being forgiven flooded over my soul, overflowing in words of thanksgiving. I reached for pen and paper to write what was given me. I could hardly believe what had happened to me. I felt that God’s grace and His Holy Spirit was upon me. At the same time a beautiful melody and harmony filled my heart and soul.
In awe I realized that God had laid on me a new gift – to be His vessel as a songwriter. My trust in the Lord grew stronger and stronger. I felt that I could ask Him again to become more and more the Lord of my life.
God had yet much more in mind for me when in under the ministry of the Sutera Twins with the Canadian Revival Fellowship, a crusade took place. The Holy Spirit touched my heart again. By God’s grace He let me see the uselessness of my effort and that the only place where I would find rest was at the cross. There I must leave everything.
After I came home that night, the Holy Spirit continued His gentle work in me while I prayed, Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139: 23-24.
He let me see the bitterness I still harbored deep in my heart against those who drove my parents and grandparents out of our home in Danzig-Langfuhr during World War II. I confessed sin, and He forgave me. He allowed my bitterness to grow into forgiveness for those who had taken over our home, lived in our rooms and used our possessions – especially my grand piano.
I no longer asked Him to help me, but to have me. I realized that the old self did not need any help, but needed to die. I asked Him to fill me with His Holy Spirit, and by the end of the week He became the Lord of my entire life – especially my schedules and my overcrowded day. He became the manager of all my talents and music. I gave Him full control so He could use me anywhere, anytime and in any way He chose. Finally a joy of total peace flooded my heart.
One evening He showed me something which I was hiding from Him without knowing it. It was a fear of people, the fear resulting from pride – I didn’t want to sing the songs that exposed my deep inner life. Until then, I had sung alone only with my back to people, accompanying myself on the piano or organ – all my life I had been so afraid of singing solo. The Lord showed me that these songs were not only meant for my inner healing and blessing, but also for others. And that evening I sang a new song He had given me. He drew me closer to Himself. The prayers of my dear piano teacher, who had prayed over my hands, “Lord, let Magdalene’s music be to Your glory only” were being answered. I was overwhelmed when my prayers of repentance turned into rhymes, not in my mother tongue but in English. Then, at the same time or a little while later, a melody with harmony filled my head with an immense force of assurance like the force behind the birth of a child. Drawn by this power to the piano, I played carefully and in obedience what was given me. Often I broke out in tears of thanksgiving.
Slowly I realized that these songs should be published one day, and I felt that an expert should look at them. I enrolled in the music department of William Tyndale Bible School in Michigan, where I discovered that without my knowing it, every song had a unique structure, perfectly enhancing with melody, rhythm, form and harmony the words as God had given them. Everything came from Him, was created by Him. He is the Giver of all gifts.
He who began His work in you will bring it to an end. He has given His life for you So never try in your own strength to master your own way. Abide in Christ, hold onto Him and trust Him day by day. He has a purpose for your life, and He will guide you through. Just claim the promises He gave, have faith what He can do. Obey His word, ask for His will, and tell Him all your need. And by the grace of God you grow, to be His precious seed.
This is what I thought. But then He made clear: He is still at work, I need not fear. His pow’r has no limit, His mercy no end When I leave my prayer in His bountiful hand.
I know He answers my prayer yet, And He will give me a song. I know from where my help will come For He is with me all the day long.
The price was paid, with His own blood Christ purchased me, I am the Lord’s. I am the temple of the living God, I am the Lord’s, I’m not my own. His Holy Spirit wants to live in me, I am the Lord’s I’m not my own.
The Holy God, the Holy God Wants to be glorified in me. Christ lives in me, He made my heart His throne, I am the Lord’s I’m not my own. And now I want to live for Him alone. I am the Lord’s, I’m not my own.
A hymn from the 1972 saskatoon, canada revival.
And when I turned my heart to Thee Lord, You were waiting there for me; I cried, “forgive me , Lord, forgive, Have Grace on me, in me now live,” You cleansed the temple of my hart.
And when I asked, “O search me God” You showed me every hidden spot; I cried: “O break me, Lord, of this, Of Self, of Pride, Self-Righteousness,” You cleansed the temple of my heart. There was so much that had to go, So much that was my own big show' So much that had not brought you Praise, So much that hindered in my faith; In Faithfulness you cleansed my heart.
So I surrender all to thee, Where else could I find rest from me; You are my Master, now my Lord, Your Spirit teaches me your Word, And fills the temple of my heart.