Abner Jones - 05-God�s Judgments Against Me

God’s Judgments Against Me When I was seventeen years old, I made a bargain with Col. Oliver Williams, of Woodstock, to live with him until I should come of age: for which, I was to receive one hundred acres of land, in Bridgewater, with giving him eleven pounds. Which land I supposed at the period it would become mine, would be worth about one hundred pounds. I now began to think that if I could earn such a sum while I was a minor; that if I could once be free I would get money by handful, and so soon become rich and respectable. But how little did I think that God would blast all my expectations in the bud. Not long after this bargain, the Lord began to visit me with judgments and disappointments, some of which I shall name. I made this agreement, with Col. Williams, in the fall, or fore part of winter. In the spring following, I was sick with the measles, and it appeared to me, that God was visiting me in judgment; for my rebellion against him. However, after getting well, I went on until the fall of the same year. In the month of October, or the latter part of September, I was taken sick with what the doctors called, the remitting bilious fever. I was carried home to my mother’s and there I remained until I recovered. After I had been sick a few days, I heard my mother in the other room talking as though the thought I should not get well. I did not like the talk at all; for I was determined that I should not die. One day a Baptist minister came to enquire after me; I heard my mother ask him if he would walk into the other room and see me, he observed that perhaps I was asleep, and that it would disturb me; my mother said she would go and see. At this moment I closed my eyes, pretending that I was sleeping. This I did to prevent the Minister from talking to me, and praying with me. This sickness, I viewed as a judgment from God, for my transgressions. I was as perceptibly impressed on my mind, as though it had been spoken by an audible voice. "If you will not return to the Lord, this shall suffice; if not, I will send a greater punishment upon you." I felt in my heart to say, I cannot return unto the Lord, if I do receive a greater judgment; and I really expected that God would send a sorer judgment than he had yet sent. I was as much convinced of the goodness of religion, and of the necessity of it, as ever I was in my life. But rather than be called a despised Christian; I chose to go on in my awful state of rebellion. After this fit of sickness, nothing worthy of notice happened, until January following. On the sixth day of January, 1791, I was chopping wood in the woods, (about forty rods from Mr. Josiah Dunham’s, in Woodstock) by mistake, I struck my axe into my foot, which gave me a bad wound; the effects of which I feel unto this day, by times. I was taken onto a sled, and carried to the house. My wound bled extremely fast; insomuch, that a streak of blood was seen on the snow all the way from the woods to the house. When I got off my stocking and shoe, the blood run a smart stream, and it was with much difficulty that the blood was stopped. The axe went into the joint that connects the great toe to the foot; which sealed off a piece of bone from the toe; which afterwards worked out. When I saw the wound, I concluded the joint was entirely ruined; I therefore took and set my toe in towards the other, telling the people that I would have it so that I could wear a peaked toed shoe. After the blood was stopped, I found myself much exhausted by the loss of it. I now began to reflect on my situation; and I felt the same impression as when I was sick the fall before, only the impression was much stronger. It really seemed as though the Lord said unto me, If you will now return to the Lord, this shall suffice; if not, I will send a greater punishment upon you. My answer was as before, Lord I cannot return unto thee, I must risk it. My reflection on this subject was terrible, I must acknowledge. The judgments of God, which seemed to follow in such swift succession made me tremble, that a sorer one was yet to come, was terrible to think of. My shameful, unreasonable, ingratitude appeared so horrible, that I could not endure the thought, and so endeavoured to banish it from my mind. When I think on these things, how loud God called, and how stubborn I was, how much light I sinned against; I wonder at the mercy and long sufferings of a gracious God. In the spring following, I got so much better as to go to work again, and my poor soul as stupid as ever. This I continued until July following, at which time by a violent exertion, I burst myself; which entirely disabled me, so that I could not labour. I applied for help to a certain Surgeon, who engaged to heal me of my disorder; but that was in vain, it was all of no use. I now found a sorer judgment indeed. I considered myself as having a complaint that would follow me to my grave; and that it would disable me in such a manner, as that I never should be able to go to work at farming, and so of necessity I must think of some other employment. The first that struck my mind was the study of physic. But after deliberating on the subject, I saw no way by which I could put my wishes in practice for want of money, so I resigned the idea. It now became a matter of deep consideration, what I should do for a living in the world. After many perplexing thoughts on the subject for several weeks, I knew not what to do. I communed with myself in the following manner. I am now nineteen years old, I am not able to work for a living, I have only twenty dollars worth of property in the world; my learning nothing more than common. All my high raised expectations that I formerly had, are eternally blown into the air. What shall I do? I can do nothing at all, but be a miserable creature. What does the Lord send all this upon me for? It was then, I could see plainly that it was for my revolting from the Lord, yet I had no inclination to return unto him. At this period I felt like the wild bull in the net. I felt an awful murmuring against God, because he had placed me in such a state of poverty, and at the same time, had given me a soaring mind after greatness. At this time also, I was made sensible that God called upon me to return, the language seemed as before. If you will return to the Lord this shall suffice, if not, a greater judgment shall come upon thee.

I now returned home to my mother’s, greatly mortified, and in great perplexity. I continued to stay at my Mother’s until winter. I then went to Woodstock in order to go to school through the winter. Feeling not quite so uneasy in my mind, I determined to try to get some learning in hopes that would stay by me. I do not think I ever saw the people in Woodstock so much bent on vanity and pleasure as they appeared to be that winter, both young and old.

While I was going to school in Woodstock I received a request from Capt. Johnson of Granville, State of New York, who was a clothier by trade, to come and live with him and learn the trade, saying, that the greater part of the business was light; and that my health would admit of working at the business. He made me such proposals as I thought would do, and I determined to go. On the first day of March I took my Journey for Granville, which was about fifty miles. I now felt pretty well pleased, hoping that I had an offer, that in time, I should make a respectable living. When I left home for Granville, I determined to behave myself as well as possible, and from that time to begin to establish my character as a man of good behaviour in the world. When I arrived at Granville, I found every thing as agreeable as I could expect. Capt. Johnson was a father and a friend indeed unto me. After I had been with Capt. Johnson about two Months, he observed that his business would be very light until the fall of the year, and that the people in the district wanted a school, and if I wished, he would use his influence to introduce me into the school. Capt. Johnson purposed the matter in school-meeting, the matter succeeded, so he engaged the school for me, and in a few days I began my school, and was enabled to give good satisfaction. I now viewed the prospect before me promising. I found that I could give my mind to studying literature, and gain some further knowledge which I greatly thirsted after. There was now a prospect before me of learning a good trade in the seasons of autumn, winter and spring, and of keeping school in summer; which would enable me still to increase my learning and help me to a little money to supply my necessary wants. I now thought myself one of the happiest of men, and concluded that I should yet become learned, rich, and respectable.

I closed my school about the first of September, and returned to Capt. Johnson’s and went to work at my business. The second day, I was taken sick with the lake fever. This was on Saturday, I felt very unwell indeed, and in the night I was taken in such distress that the people sent for a doctor, who gave me a little relief. However he could not prevent the fever’s having its course. The fever had a smart run, but short. My spirits in this fit of sickness seemed to remain strong and high, hoping that I should soon get better and be able to work again. After I gained strength enough to walk about, I supposed that in a few days I should be able to work as usual. I said surely the bitterness of death is past. But after remaining several weeks, much in the same situation, I grew discouraged and began to fear. I should not be able to attend to business that winter. Capt. Johnson informed me that it was not common for people to recover from that kind of fever, so as to attend to business short of six or eight Months, and that it was not probably that I should be able to do any thing the winter entering. He also proceeded to state to me that he was in immediate need of some one to help him, and as it was not probable that I should be able to work with him, we had better give up our bargain. This proposal was very disagreeable to me; but I could do no other than fall in with it. I found myself again frustrated in all my fair prospects. I now began to reflect back on past time. I now thought of the judgment that God had threatened me with, and it appeared plain to me that God was determined to follow me with his righteous judgment as long as I lived in rebellion against him. I found that I could not get away from the presence of the Lord. I found that my blessings were cursed already. I was made fully sensible that God had determined that I should not satisfy the ambitious desires of my proud heart. I was now cut off from all my flattering prospects and completely disappointed. I knew not what to do now which way to turn; there was nothing but darkness both in this world and that which is to come. I had met with so many disappointments, that I felt entirely discouraged, and determined to spend my life in the most solitary, gloomy manner possible. I felt no wish ever to mingle with society again, and determined that I never would. I never saw the world look more empty than it did then. I should have been glad to meet with death, if there had not been that terrible thought, what will be beyond death. This exercise, I conceive to be, entirely the fruit of disappointment; for I felt no more desire to seek the Lord, or return unto him, than I did before. I now gave myself entirely up for loss, as it respects the things of this world.

After I got so I could ride, I settled all my matters; hired a Horse to ride home to my mother’s and a boy to take it back again.

I now viewed myself in a miserable situation. I had not bought much clothing, since I came from Bridgewater, and my clothes began to wax old, and I had no way to get any new ones, and no way to earn any thing. I had no father’s house to go to, my mother was married again, and I did not know as my father in law would feel free to have me come there to a bill of cost to him; yet I had no other place to go unto.

Among all the trials that I had met with for six years past, I had never mingled a tear with them, as I have any remembrance of, and I had drawn a determination, that I never would have the weakness to shed a tear again. When I come to take my leave of Capt. Johnson, I could not refrain from tears. I believe I cried as much as two miles, as I rode on my horse. In the course of two days I arrived at Bridgewater. My friends seemed glad to see me, but I still felt the discouraging gloom on my mind; for I knew not which way to turn.