115 Sermon Illustrations on Reconciliation

Someone once said: “True reconciliation is never cheap, for it is based on forgiveness which is costly. Forgiveness, in turn, depends on repentance, which has to be based on an acknowledgement of what was done wrong, and therefore, on disclosure of the truth. You cannot forgive what you do not know.”

True reconciliation will not be found lest it stands conjoined with truth. On this day in which we celebrate the work and life of Martin Luther King, Jr., this seems a simple thought. Yet King himself saw it as the very foundation of the Civil Rights movement. The goal was not to defeat the oppressor but “to awaken a sense of shame... and challenge his false sense of superiority.... The end is reconciliation; the end is redemption; the end is the creation of the beloved community.” Truth is the only foundation that can lead us to that end.

Today we may stand closer to the great dream Dr. King put before our nation, but we have grown less wary of overlooking the foundation. Most postmodernists, a colleague said recently, are not skeptics, but non-realists. The light of hope has gone out in many minds; too many roam wearily in the dark chambers of pessimism and many have concluded that life is meaningless. There are those who look at the great injustices of the world, at the tormenting poverty of many nations, at racial and religious persecution across the globe, and in looking, throw their hands up in defeat at the hopelessness and senselessness of life. With Shakespeare’s Macbeth they conclude, “Life is a tale; told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

But how should we have ever known injustice if there was no such thing as justice? How should we have ever been able to recognize bad if there was no such thing as good? Badness, it turns out, is just a parasite, said C.S. Lewis; it could not exist if there was no such thing as good. The cry for hope, the cry for justice, the cry for racial reconciliation are cries for completeness, cries that say with the prophets of old, “This is not the way it was meant to be.” But there is most certainly a way that God intended. There is a way that God has provided for us to be reconciled to Him.

More than two thousand years ago there was another voice reminding the world that all reconciliation must be grounded in truth. In the Gospel of Luke, we find Jesus on his way to Nazareth and to the synagogue, as was his custom. It was his turn to read the chosen Scripture for the service. Luke writes:

“And Jesus stood up to read; and there was given to him the book

of the prophet Isaiah. He opened the book and found the place

where it was written, ‘The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because

he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent

me to proclaim release to the captives and recovering of sight to

the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim

the acceptable year of the Lord.’ And he closed the book, and

gave it back to the attendant, and sat down; and the eyes of all

in the synagogue were fixed on him. And he began to say to them,

‘Today this scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing’” (Luke

4:17-21).

In the synagogue that day, Jesus read one of the most beloved passages of Scripture from the prophet Isaiah, a passage that is often at the forefront of religious social reform. And of this passage where we hear of God’s plan for restoration, where we hear the hopeful cry of justice and liberty, of God’s comfort and grace, Jesus says, “Here I am. This is all fulfilled in me.” Jesus reminds us not only that God’s word is true, but that God’s truth will be fulfilled. He reminds us that truth is a Person, that it is tangible, practical, and knowable. In Christ we are reminded that more than having recognized it, truth must have its way with us.

On this day of remembrance, as we consider our world and conclude this is not the way it was meant to be, let us remember that God has entrusted to us the message of reconciliation. Let us also recall the foundation of reconciliation set before us in the Scriptures: it is Christ Himself. For in Christ Jesus, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting our trespasses against us. By his grace, God has provided the way for us to be reconciled to Him. Might his truth have its way with us.

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Copyright © 2007 Ravi Zacharias International Ministries (RZIM). Reprinted with permission. "A Slice of Infinity" is a radio ministry of Ravi Zacharias International Ministries.

In 1994 the African nation of Rwanda experienced a genocidal civil war. Minority Tutsis, who had a tradition of running the country, were massacred by majority Hutus; when Tutsi rebel units counterattacked, they slaughtered Hutus in retaliation. In the course of a hundred days, up to a million people were killed in the small nation. Nowadays, when Rwandans look back on the early years of aftermath, they say, “In the beginning.”

Today, Rwanda is one of the safest and most orderly countries in Africa. They have tried to restore peace by dealing with the genocide on a local level. Courts called “gacaca” render rudimentary justice and mete out punishment but also allow some emotional catharsis by establishing a collective accounting of the truth of the crimes in each place where they were committed. Confessions play a big role in these courts. In 2008 more than twelve thousand gacaca courts were convened around the country. Sentences tend to be lenient, with an emphasis on creating reconciliation throughout the country.

The first thing I did when I got engaged was call my parents and grandparents to tell them the good news. My grandfather -- equal parts straight-shooter and comedian -- remarked: “Well, that’s pretty good, I guess. I just have one question. Do you like this girl?”

The question took me off guard. Why else would I have asked her to be my wife? “I love her with all my heart,” I said.

He replied, “I didn’t ask you if you loved her. I asked if you liked her. You’re going to be married to her for the rest of your life, and you’re probably going to disagree and argue and fight a lot, so if you’re going to work through conflict, you better really like this girl as a person and a friend.”

He knew a truth about all relationships: conflict happens. Broken relationships often go off track because somebody insists on having something their way. Jacob and Esau are a prime example, but they also show us the key to repairing a broken relationship.

Jacob was continually grabbing at his brother’s heel. He grabbed Esau’s birthright. He grabbed Esau’s blessing. And if he wasn’t careful, he was going to grab more than he bargained for: “Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. And Esau determined in his heart: ‘The days of mourning for my father are approaching; then I will kill my brother Jacob’” (Genesis 27:41).

If you’ve ever been let down or injured, if you’ve ever experienced searing anger, then you can relate to the raw emotion Esau expressed toward Jacob. Esau felt his anger was justified, and we often feel the same.

A relationship that once was a blessing can become broken.

Twenty years later, Jacob had become a changed man. More than having matured, he had moved forward in repentance and restoration. This required humility. Humility is a needed cure for the sickness of a broken relationship. Thankfully, God had also been at work in Esau’s life.

In the end, the brothers were able to reconcile because one humbled himself and the other forgave. Either one could have kept up the wall. Both were willing to knock it down. In the same way, it’s up to us to knock down the walls we’ve put up in our lives. We start here:

If you’ve wronged someone, ask forgiveness. If needed, seek to make restitution.

If someone wronged you, forgive. Period. Even if the offender never apologizes, forgive.

Our example is Jesus Christ, who came to earth for the very purpose of reconciling us to God and restoring our right standing with God. He forgave all who killed Him, and He forgives us.

Exercise humility and take the first step. Trust God with the rest.

The book NO ORDINARY TIME by Doris Kearns Godland tells the story of World War II and the Roosevelts' issues within it. She points out that from 1919 when Franklin had an affair that he and Eleanor were political partners only. There was no affection. As World War II progressed, you could see the stress on his face. He died shortly before the surrender was signed. After the funeral, Eleanor told her son Elliott, “I should have tried harder to help him through that awful war. If only I had found the courage to talk to Franklin as I wanted to. I could have said, Let's bury this whole matter and begin over again. I ought to have done that when I said I would, but I left it until it was too late.”

It was with special expectations, beyond anything before imagined, that Pastor José, his wife,Sonia and their daughters left Tijuana for a Christmas holiday visit home to the southern Mexican state of Chiapas. The weeks spent in Tuxtla Gutiérrez did not disappoint. For twenty years José had been estranged from his parents. Although always in his thoughts and prayers, he had come to the realization that his parents, now in their eighties, would probably never turn from a life that had caused him so much pain. But the last few months had witnessed a remarkable conversion and they couldn’t wait to celebrate the happenings together over the holidays.

José comes from a long family history of folk healers whose practice incorporated a wide, even seemingly incongruent, variety of spiritism. At the age of twelve he was dedicated to the spirits in an elaborate ceremony in which he was tied to the ground naked, chickens were sacrificed and their blood was mixed with his. He became an exotic dancer. He was encouraged to do penance through long stretches on his knees until the bleeding and pain made it impossible to continue. Even today he has physical reminders of that traumatic time in his life, having undergone multiple knee surgeries precisely because his ligaments were so damaged at a crucial developmental age.

While still a teenager José responded to a different message, one that proved life-changing and one that freed him from the darkness and pain to which he had become so accustomed. He began a journey centered in Christ, one full of hope and new life that literally gave him something for which to live. He heard about a new seminary being started in Mexicali, a city located at the opposite extreme of the country. So he headed out on the long trip north. Late one night he finally found the Mexicali Baptist Seminary, climbed the gate and slept until morning under the overhang of a building. He would stay at the seminary for four years and has since made his home in Tijuana.

These past twenty years witnessed little contact between José and his family in Tuxtla Gutiérrez. But that all changed when José’s parents made a decision to give up their old ways and put their faith solely in Christ. They were being discipled in an Assemblies of God church and were anxious for José and his family to visit and see what was happening first hand. They were even making plans to finally get married after more than fifty years together and they were ready for baptism. They would wait for José and his family, though, as there would be nothing better than for José to participate in the celebrations and for the whole family to witness a transformation in the life of two octogenarians.

José, Sonia and the girls are home now in Tijuana. Is there a better way to end the celebration of Christ’s birth than by returning home and praising God for all you’ve seen and heard? We doubt it.

When ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t enough, take these steps to encourage healing and reconciliation.

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Many families endure fights, says Susan Kuczmarski, an expert on family relationships who teaches at the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University, but some of the feuds linger, and the chasms that separate parents and their adult children are among the most painful.

Joshua Coleman, is co-chair of the Council on Contemporary Families who runs a webinar for parents who want to improve relations with their adult children. He sees so much of this problem that he calls parent/adult child estrangement a silent epidemic. “Nobody wants to talk about this,” he says.

And yet people are more than willing to share their stories online. Coleman’s web forums are teeming with questions from parents seeking answers about how to heal. The Experience Project hosts a support group for parents of disaffected children. The stories are heart-wrenching — no matter how old the children, the parents want them back in their lives.

Ties That Do Not Bind

Unfortunately, when the hurt has been going on for a long time, simply saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. “First you have to recognize what caused the rupture,” Kuczmarksi says, “and you might not like what you find.” Perhaps you crossed a line. Or maybe you said or did something that your child experienced as deeply wounding even if you never intended to hurt her.

The other possibility is that you might discover — or be forced to finally acknowledge — that something is “not quite right” with your child. Rick Casey, who refused to underwrite his son Evan’s fantasy of a post-college “year of spirituality,” cannot make peace with him a decade later.

“I could have afforded to pay for the trip. But I thought it would build his character if he worked for a bit and saved money to help finance it,” Casey says. “Instead he got furious at me. Every six months I suggest we have dinner. He’ll pick a really expensive restaurant and I go along with it because I think, Maybe he’s past his anger and wants a relationship. At the end of the meal, though, he’ll push his chair back, tell me how I ruined his life, call me a tightwad — even though I’m paying for dinner — and walk out in a huff.”

Sometimes an adult child’s behavior is so bizarre that there might be a personality disorder or mental illness at play. Rick speculated, reluctantly, that his son may be clinically depressed since he hasn’t been able to stick with a job for more than a few months.

Sometimes you never know what’s really going on. Martha Reilly had a pretty good relationship with her son, Adam — until he got married. “Emma’s family is quite rich — we thought they looked down on my second husband and me because we’re schoolteachers who live modestly,” Martha explains. “At first Emma would invite us over for holidays, yet none of her family would speak to us. When we asked Adam what was going on, he just shrugged. Then he said he was annoyed with us for being so petty.

“The invites stopped coming. Eventually Adam stopped visiting us too,” she continues. “We see him rarely anymore, and when we do, he’s a different person — nervous, agitated.” Martha expressed concern that Emma seemed to be controlling her son.

“I called him to say we were sorry that we had spoken negatively about his in-laws,” she said. “He shouted at me, ‘You just don’t get it.’ He’s right; I don’t. But I am worried about his mental health.”

Steps Toward Forgiveness

No matter how severe the alienation, family experts believe that adult children can come around to forgiving their parents (unless, of course, the parent was abusive or complicit in abuse). “You just have to lower your expectations and take it slowly,” Kuczmarski advises. When “I’m sorry” isn’t enough, think about your own behavior and try different forms of rapprochement that go beyond words.

• Try to understand. Even if you’re convinced you’ve done “nothing,” you have done “something.” After all, you are the parent. You were (and continue to be) a powerful figure in your child’s emotional life. Sometimes there’s a nugget of truth in an adult child’s complaints. For example, your behavior may have inadvertently suggested to one child that you favored the other — regardless of whether you felt that way. So the first step to making amends is to listen carefully to what your child is trying to tell you.

• Don’t be defensive. “Nothing can dilute an apology more than self righteousness,” Kuczmarski says. How can you expect your child to believe you mean you are sincerely sorry if you follow the apology with words that indicate you believe you’re right while your child is wrong?

• Put it in writing. Sometimes a letter works better than a conversation. “Words on paper can be read over and over so your child can absorb your apology,” Kuczmarski says.

• Be humble. It takes a lot of gumption to admit you’ve made a mistake. Plus, you’re modeling positive family behavior. Kuczmarski believes families should talk out problems and be honest about their feelings.

• Avoid engaging. Should your adult child feel the need to continue the fight, let her know that, for you, the argument is over. That might irk her because she’s still angry, but in the long run it can have positive consequences. You are less likely to say hurtful things in response to the child’s anger. Also, retreating from the battleground reinforces that you want to make peace.

• Find an intermediary. Perhaps you can persuade a friend or family member to approach your child with your olive branch. She may be more receptive if she hears from someone else that you would like to mend the break, Kuczmarski says. Be aware, however, that you are asking a lot here, since your surrogate could become a lightning rod for your child’s rage.

• Persevere. It may take many talks or letters to bring around an alienated child. But years may eventually wear away their defenses or soften their anger. You might also want to suggest counseling sessions (which you will pay for). If you don’t live in the same city, perhaps you can find a therapist who works with Skype.

In the meantime, if your child continues to rebuff your overtures, keep in mind this is an opportunity for you to focus on yourself. “Even people who have healthy relationships with their adult children enter a stage when they don’t need to focus so much on parenting. So give yourself permission to put the estranged child heartache on the back burner while you enjoy new experiences,” Kuczmarski suggests.

Even as you’re doing that, though, never give up on your child. “The next communication may be the one that sparks a reconnection.”

Earlier this year [2022], a very secular publication came to an unexpected conclusion. Vox ran a series of articles under the title “America’s Struggle for Forgiveness,.” In it, they wrote,

Grace might be the holiest, most precious concept of all in this conversation about right and wrong, penance and reform — but it’s the one that almost never gets discussed.

Even in the most morally exhausted cultural moments, like ours, there are signs of life. Made in God’s image, with eternity in our hearts, we’re desperate for answers to our deepest questions and for purpose to help us make sense of our lives. We search elsewhere but, ultimately, only the Gospel offers what we need.

At the same time, at least when it comes to forgiveness, Christians are struggling as well. In any context, because it always involves fallen human beings, forgiveness isn’t easy. In this cultural moment, so deeply divided at such fundamental levels and with so much at stake in the issues, it can seem impossible. How can we reconcile the idea of forgiveness in a world overrun by evil? How can we be examples of forgiveness, both forgiving and seeking forgiveness, to a world that so desperately needs to see it?

First, we need to be clear on what forgiveness is and isn’t. The way Jesus’ command to “love your enemies” is often used in order to silence Christians who hold unpopular views completely misses the point. Too often, we get the impression that we need to apologize not merely for failing to live out Christian ethics, but for holding Christian ethics in the first place, as if Christian witness is compromised by Christian morality.

Second, Christians must embrace the idea of forgiveness. There’s a fear in many corners of the Church, particularly those engaged in standing for righteousness in this cultural moment, that concepts like “forgiveness,” “gentleness,” or “compassion” are signs of weakness. Certainly, many Christians have been gutted of courage at the exact moment Christian courage is so badly needed. But asking for or offering forgiveness is not necessarily a sign of weakness. In fact, in a culture devoid of it, Christians have something essential to offer people, families, institutions, and cultures.

Plus, we don’t have a choice. For Christians, a gracious posture is not an option. In Romans 12:14, Paul instructs Christians to “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.” He also commands us to “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good” (Romans 12:9). Holding to truth and righteousness and being gracious to others are not mutually exclusive options. Both are required for Christ followers.

We must not pretend people are somehow “doing good” when they are not, or that evil ideologies that hurt the innocent are somehow anything less than evil. In Jesus’ words, we will be “exclude[d]” and “revile[d],” and have our names “spurn[ed]” as “evil” for His sake, not because we’ve done anything wrong but because we’ve followed Him. As Jesus’ teaching about church discipline and instructions to the disciples to “shake the dust of unbelieving towns off their feet” suggests, the goal of Christian witness can only be faithfulness. Whether or not we are liked is of little importance.

Which means, as Steve Cornell with The Gospel Coalition recently wrote, forgiveness is different than “reconciliation.” We can and must extend forgiveness, and we ought to be agents of reconciliation. However, because reconciliation always involves someone else, it isn’t merely up to us. Not only does it take two to reconcile, but when people actively pursue evil, boundaries are necessary.

The real battlefield of forgiveness is not just in external behavior. It involves the heart, which God sees with piercing clarity. It may involve asking for forgiveness, even from ideological opponents who are on the wrong side of a given issue. It will mean forgoing vengeance, even while seeking justice and extending love to those extending hate.

In God’s economy, this is not weakness. It is the strength rooted in Christ whom Himself proclaimed, “Father, forgive them.”

A wonderful example is Barronelle Stutzman, a co-recipient of this year’s Wilberforce Award. For years, she’s been the target of the state of Washington, misrepresented in the press, slandered, and sued for refusing to custom design flowers for a same-sex wedding. Only last November, after nearly a decade, was her legal case finally settled.

Through the whole, exhausting process, Barronelle extended nothing but kindness, even to the person behind her legal nightmare, longtime customer and friend Rob Ingersoll. “I did not turn down Rob,” she wrote in 2016. “I turned down an event. And if Rob walked into my store today, I would hug him and I would serve him for another 10 years.”

That same gracious attitude only became more evident in the years since. Through it all, she steadfastly refused to betray her faith while still showing gentle kindness toward those who oppose her. Anyone who knows Barronelle Stutzman would never confuse that posture with weakness.

Rather, she’s a living, breathing example that Christians can have both unrelenting conviction and a tender heart of forgiveness. We need not choose between them.

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Copyright (c) 2022 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.