Sermon Illustrations on Friendship — page 3

Carrying It Alone

Ecclesiastes 4

OK, I couldn't put it off any longer - we had to move the piano. Now, in spite of my Arnold Schwarzenaegger-build (this is radio; you'll never know), I decided it wouldn't be a good idea to move that monster alone. In fact, I remember my dad needed surgery after he helped move a piano once! So the time we moved the piano was determined by one thing: what time could some guys be there to help? As we eased that piano slowly down the front steps, I was so thankful for those other guys. I had my hands full just carrying my corner! This was something that was obviously never meant to be carried alone.

Well, I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about "Carrying It Alone."

That could be a mistake you're making right now - maybe you've been making for a long time. You have some things in your life that are pretty heavy, and they are really weighing you down, maybe even crushing you sometimes. But the problem isn't just how much that monster weighs. It may be that you're insisting on carrying it alone. You won't do what I did when I had something that was too heavy for me alone. I called for help.

Well, our word for today from the Word of God reminds us that going it alone is unnecessary, it's unwise, it's unprofitable. Ecclesiastes 4 beginning in verse 9: "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. Pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! ... though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves."

You get the picture. God says, work with someone else on it. Walk with someone else. Fight the battle with someone else. Notice, Jesus even sent the early disciples out two-by-two. The involvement of some people who shared my load made the difference in whether or not I could carry what I had to carry on piano day. That same equation could make all the difference for you.

Could it be that you've been overwhelmed by your pain, by your issues, by your burden because you've insisted on trying to deal with it yourself? When you fall, you stay down because you've not let anyone in that can pick you up. When you try to carry something heavy alone, you end up injured, or you end up with more pain. You can even be paralyzed.

Maybe it's your pride that's kept you from sharing the burden you're carrying. Or the fear of what someone might think. Or a victim mentality that sort of perversely thrives on feeling like a martyr. Maybe it's hard for you to trust because of past betrayals. But whatever the risks are of asking someone to help you with this, the risks are far greater of being crushed by it alone.

Let someone in, won't you? Let your wife or your husband into this aching part of you; or your mom or dad. Or open it up to the help of a spiritual leader or a spiritually mature friend. Maybe you need to talk with a pastor or counselor who can bring some objectivity and experience to sorting it out. They have probably walked this road with others before you.

Now you may be the one a hurting person calls on for some help. And if they do reach out and ask you to help carry the load, realize what a trust they are giving you. Don't ever betray their confidence, don't condemn, and don't take it lightly. Listen a lot before you talk. Pray with them about it. Look for practical ways that you and others can help.

Maybe you're carrying the load of many years right now, or of a recent blow. It may be something you've wanted to be a secret, but that secret is like a cancer eating you up inside. You've got to let someone in. You've carried this alone long enough. With the loving help of someone lifting the other end, you can finally make progress on what has been unmoveable until now.

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Greetings Galore

Colossians 4:7

Final sermon in Colossians series. Colossians 4:7-18

GREETINGS GALORE

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I. Are you lonely tonight?

II. People Paul commends.

A. Commended because they carried this letter.

B. Tychicus, a committed leader.

C. Onesimus, a bad slave who turned out well.

III. Greetings from the gallery.

A. Aristarchus, a cellmate.

B. Mark, the prodigal nephew.

C. Jesus-Justus, a fellow Jew.

D. Epaphras, prayer-warrior.

E. Luke, the dear physician.

F. Demas, a future traitor.

IV. Greeters in Colossae itself.

A. Buddies in Laodicea.

B. Nympha's house church.

C. Archippus, a potential shirker.

V. Paul's final touch.

VI. We are surrounded by friends.

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Luke 22:48

During my scuba diving training, I asked what should be done if we see a

shark. Should we try to stab it with our dive knife? The instructor said, "Don't do that! You'll only make him mad." Then with a smile he went on, "If you see a shark coming after you, take out your knife, and then cut your buddy and swim like crazy." Submitted by Ron Otto.

Brian's Song

As the movie Brian's Song poignantly depicted, the friendship between Gale Sayers and Brian Piccolo deepened into one of the best relationships in the history of sports.

Then, during the 1969 season, Piccolo was cut down with cancer. He fought to play the season out, but he was in hospitals more than he was in games. Gale Sayers flew to be beside him as often as possible.

They had planned for their wives, to sit together at the Professional Football Writers annual dinner in New York, where Sayers was to be given the George S. Halas Award as the most courageous player in pro football. But instead Pick was confined to his bed at home. As he stood to receive the award, tears sprang to Sayer's eyes. The ordinarily laconic black athlete had this to say as he took the trophy:

"You flatter me by giving me this award, but I tell you here and now that I accept it for Brian Piccolo. Brian Piccolo is the man of courage who should receive the George S. Halas Award. I love Brian Piccolo and I'd like you to love him. Tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him too."

TS -- "I love Brian Piccolo." How often do we hear men say words such as those? But how much more enriched our lives could be if we dared our affection as Sayers did that night in New York. Aristotle said, "Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies."

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Friendship

SIMPLE VS REAL

A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from

your tears.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has

their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes

early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real friend

asks you why it took you so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk to you about your problems. A real friend seeks

to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could

blackmail you with it.

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your

refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A

real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects

to always be there for you!

(untitled)

John 15:13

FRIENDSHIP

A teenage boy in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, had cancer and was in the hospital for several weeks to undergo radiation treatments and chemotherapy. During that time, he lost all of his hair. On the way home from the hospital, he was worried-not about the cancer, but about the embarrassment of going back to school with a baldhead. He had already decided not to wear a wig or a hat.

When he arrived home, he walked in the front door and turned on the lights. To his surprise, about fifty of his friends jumped up and shouted, "Welcome home!"' The boy looked around the room and could hardly believe his eyes-all fifty of his friends had shaved their heads!

Wouldn't we all like to have caring friends who were so sensitive and committed to us that they would sacrifice their hair for us if that's what it took to make us feel affirmed, included, and loved? Friends like that are hard to find in today's world.

When we become Christians, we are adopted into an extended family of love and support-the church, the body of Christ. The Bible teaches us in I Corinthians 12 that when one member of the body hurts or experiences joy, the whole body shares in that pain or that joy. We suffer together, and we rejoice together. That's what it means to be the church. We are a community, a family-real friends.

When we act this way, we are doing for each other what Jesus Himself did for us. Jesus loved us so much that He did more than shave His head. He went to the cross for us. He gave up His life so that we might live. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13).

Hot Illustrations For Youth Talks

Wayne Rice, Zonderzan, pp. 169-170.

The Power of Friendship

1 Samuel 18:3

“Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul” (1 Samuel 18:3).

In her book, “To School Through the Fields,” Alice Taylor relates an old Irish legend of a ruler who wished to leave his kingdom to the cleverest of his three sons.

He took the first son on a long journey and requested that he shorten the road. The son, feeling overwhelmed by the task, gave up.

He took the second son on the same journey and asked him the same question. He, too, was daunted by the request and gave up.

The king then took the youngest son on the same long journey and asked him the same request. The youngest son told his father such an intriguing story that before they knew it, they had finished the long journey.

As Martha Manning wrote, “We can’t lessen the number of miles on the road. We can’t walk those miles for another person. But having a companion … can make the long, lonely walk seem shorter and make our journeys, however difficult, infinitely more bearable.”

Thank God for friends. And thank God for the greatest friend of all — the Son God — the One who sticks closer than a brother! As the hymn writer expressed it so simply but so eloquently:

Jesus, what a friend for sinners, Jesus, lover of my soul …

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for every one of my friends and please help me to be a faithful, loving friend to them all. And thank you most of all that you are our greatest friend of all, and that like Abraham, we, too, can be the friend of God. Gratefully in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

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[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate of HolwickID #9367]

The Joy of Companionship

In "The Count of Monte Cristo," by Alexandre Dumas, Edmond Dantes had been imprisoned by "friends," who had something to gain by getting him out of the way. For several years he languished in a dungeon.

One day, when in despair and contemplating suicide, Dantes heard sounds in the ground below his cell. He surmised a fellow-prisoner was burrowing his way to liberty.

As the days passed, the sounds grew nearer. Edmond, with a piece of broken dish, began also to dig. Eventually the two met.

Though disappointed at finding they were as far from freedom as before, they were thrilled to with the companionship of one another. Hope and joy immediately sprang up. The author, Dumas, wrote "captivity which is shared is but half-captivity."

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J. Vernon Jacobs, Illustrations from Great Literature; The Higley Press (Butler, Indiana) 1952; p.21, #40: "The Joy of Companionship."

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Night Lights That Know When To Shine

Proverbs 17:17

I guess we got in the habit when our kids were little. Night lights, I mean. We'd put one in their room - I heard it keeps the monsters in the closet. And we always had one on the bathroom so you wouldn't fall in if you had to go there in the middle of the night. Actually, we still have a night light in the bathroom. But it's the new and improved kind. It only goes on when the lights go out. But, of course, that's when you need it - when it's dark.

Well, I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A WORD WITH YOU today about "Night Lights That Know When To Shine."

It's nice to have a light that turns on when it gets dark - especially if that light is a person. Because when you're going through a dark time, you really need someone who brings some light into your life. Sort of a human night light. Which I hope you are. Which someone you know probably really needs right now.

It's the kind of friend described in our word for today from the Word of God in Proverbs 17:17. God says, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." In other words, a real friend, a real brother is one who's walking in when everyone else is walking out! And that takes the kind of love Jesus has, the kind of love Jesus can give you to give someone else. It's called unconditional love - the kind that has absolutely nothing to do with how the other person in acting, or how the other person is treating you, or what the other person can do for you.

And I'm guessing that there's someone you know who really needs you to be their night light right now. But you may be holding back. Maybe they've experienced a big hurt - and, frankly, you don't know what to say - so you're avoiding them. They just need your presence, not your words ... they need your hug, not your talk ... they need your help with some of the everyday stuff that's become too much in their dark time.

Or maybe the person who needs you isn't acting very loveable right now. They're angry ... they're negative ... they're lashing out ... they're withdrawn ... they're sending off "leave me alone" signals that don't make people feel like trying to reach out. But often when people are the least loveable, they need our love the most. It may, in fact, be a child of yours, or another family member, who is acting pretty ugly right now. You can almost bet that it's because they've been wounded somehow, and they're bleeding all over the people close to them. Somebody has to disregard all those negative vibes and reach out to them with some love and some tenderness. I'm suspecting God's "someone" who is supposed to love them may be you.

It's possible there's a fellow believer who has made some serious mistakes, and, well, they've been pretty much written off by other Christians. Maybe God is calling on you to extend the hand of Jesus to them in spite of what they've done. There are lots of reasons not to be that friend who, according to the Bible, "loves at all times" ... not to be that brother or sister who is "born for adversity" - but here is the real bottom line. It is the nature of Jesus to pursue the most unlovable, the most hurting, and often even the most undeserving. And it's supposed to be the nature of those of us who carry His Name.

It's time for that phone call ... that letter ... a listening ear ... a helping hand. It's time for someone to bring the healing love of Jesus into their darkness. Because when it's dark, when the lights have gone out, you need a night light. It's time for you to shine.

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A Friend On the Line

Even before I finished dialing, I somehow knew I'd made a mistake. The phone rang once, twice - then someone picked it up.

"You got the wrong number!" a husky male voice snapped before the line went dead. Mystified, I dialed again.

"I said you got the wrong number!" came the voice. Once more the phone clicked in my ear.

How could he possibly know I had a wrong number? At that time, I worked for the New York City Police Department. A cop is trained to be curious - and concerned. So I dialed a third time.

"Hey, c'mon," the man said. "Is this you again?"

"Yeah, it's me," I answered. "I was wondering how you knew I had the wrong number before I even said anything."

"You figure it out!" The phone slammed down.

I sat there awhile, the receiver hanging loosely in my fingers. I called the man back.

"Did you figure it out yet?" he asked.

"The only thing I can think of is...nobody ever calls you."

"You got it!" The phone went dead for the fourth time. Chuckling, I dialed the man back.

"What do you want now?" he asked.

"I thought I'd call ... just to say hello."

"Hello? Why?"

"Well, if nobody ever calls you, I thought maybe I should."

"Okay. Hello. Who is this?"

At last I had gotten through. Now he was curious. I told him who I was and asked who he was.

"My name's Adolf Meth. I'm 88 years old, and I haven't had this many wrong numbers in one day in 20 years!" We both laughed.

We talked for 10 minutes. Adolf had no family, no friends. Everyone he had been close to had died. Then we discovered we had something in common: he'd worked for the New York City Police Department for nearly 40 years. Telling me about his days there as an elevator operator, he seemed interesting, even friendly. I asked if I could call him again.

"Why would you wanta do that?" he asked, surprised.

"Well, maybe we could be phone friends. You know, like pen pals."

He hesitated. "I wouldn't mind...having a friend again." His voice sounded a little tentative.

I called Adolf the following afternoon and several days after that. Easy to talk with, he related his memories of World Wars I and II, the Hindenburg disaster and other historic events. He was fascinating. I gave him my home and office numbers so he could call me. He did - almost every day.

I was not just being kind to a lonely old man. Talking with Adolf was important to me, because I, too, had a big gap in my life. Raised in orphanages and foster homes, I never had a father. Gradually, Adolf took on a kind of fatherly importance to me. I talked about my job and college courses, which I attended at night.

Adolf warmed to the role of counselor. While discussing a disagreement I'd had with a supervisor, I told my new friend, "I think I ought to have it out with him."

"What's the rush?" Adolf cautioned. "Let things cool down. When you get as old as I am, you find out that time takes care of a lot. If things get worse, then you can talk to him."

There was a long silence. "You know," he said softly, "I'm talking to you just the way I'd talk to a boy of my own. I always wanted a family - and children. You're too young to know how that feels."

No, I wasn't. I'd always wanted a family - and a father. But I didn't say anything, afraid I wouldn't be able to hold back the hurt I'd felt for so long.

One evening Adolf mentioned his 89th birthday was coming up. After buying a piece of fiberboard, I designed a 2' x 5' greeting card with a cake and 89 candles on it. I asked all the cops in my office and even the police commissioner to sign it. I gathered nearly a hundred signatures. Adolf would get a kick out of this, I knew. We'd been talking on the phone for four months now, and I thought this would be a good time to meet face to face. So I decided to deliver the card by hand. I didn't tell Adolf I was coming; I just drove to his address one morning and parked the car up the street from his apartment house.

A postman was sorting mail in the hallway when I entered the building. He nodded as I checked the mailboxes for Adolf's name. There it was. Apartment 1H, some 20 feet from where I stood.

My heart pounded with excitement. Would we have the same chemistry in person that we had on the phone? I felt the first stab of doubt. Maybe he would reject me the way my father rejected me when he went out of my life. I tapped on Adolf's door. When there was no answer, I knocked harder.

The postman looked up from his sorting. "No one's there," he said.

"Yeah," I said, feeling a little foolish. "If he answers his door the way he answers his phone, this may take all day."

"You a relative or something?"

"No. Just a friend."

"I'm really sorry," he said quietly, "but Mr. Meth died day before yesterday."

Died? Adolf? For a moment, I couldn't answer. I stood there in shock and disbelief. Then, pulling myself together, I thanked the postman and stepped into the late-morning sun. I walked toward the car, misty-eyed.

Then, rounding a corner, I saw a church, and a line from the Old Testament leaped to mind: A friend loveth at all times. And especially in death, I realized. This brought a moment of recognition. Often it takes some sudden and sad turn of events to awaken us to the beauty of a special presence in our lives. Now, for the first time, I sensed how very close Adolf and I had become. It had been easy, and I knew this would make it even easier the next time, with my next close friend.

Slowly, I felt a warmth surging through me. I heard Adolf's growly voice shouting, "Wrong number!" Then I heard him asking why I wanted to call again.

"Because you mattered, Adolf," I said aloud to no one. "Because I was your friend."

I placed the unopened birthday card on the back seat of my car and got behind the wheel. Before starting the engine, I looked over my shoulder. "Adolf," I whispered, "I didn't get the wrong number at all. I got you."

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Version in Rev. Brett Blair, 2/16/03:

I Thought I'd Call

There is a story about a New York City policeman investigating a case. Even before he finished dialing, he somehow knew he’d made a mistake. The phone rang once, twice – then someone picked it up. “You’ve got the wrong number!” a husky male voice snapped before the line went dead. Mystified, the policeman dialed again. “I said you got the wrong number!” came the voice. Once more the phone clicked down. “How could he possibly know I had the wrong number?” the policeman asked himself.

A cop is trained to be curious – and concerned. So he dialed a third time. “Hey, c’mon,” the voice said. “Is this you again?” “Yea, it’s me. I was wondering how you knew I had the wrong number before I even said anything.” “You figure it out!” The phone slammed down.

He sat there for a while, the receiver hanging loosely in his fingers. He called the man back. “Did you figure it out yet?” the man asked. “The only thing I can think of is nobody ever calls you.” “You got it!” The phone went dead for the fourth time.

Chuckling, the officer dialed the man back. “What do you want now?” asked the man. “I thought I’d call – just to say hello.” “Hello? Why?” “Well, if nobody ever calls you, I thought maybe I should.”

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Dr. Gary Nicolosi, Sermon: “The Wideness of God’s Mercy”

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He Always Let You Down

Actor David Niven once said of his friend Errol Flynn, “You always knew exactly where you stood with him because he always let you down.” The appraisal was not meant as criticism. He was simply accepting Errol for what he was, learning not to expect more than Flynn could offer. He cherished the friendship despite the foibles.

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[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate in KeruxID 25837-26027]

Sharing the Burden In Prayer

When you lend someone $20 and then never see that person again, it may have been worth it!

Surely you know the Spiritual called, “Nobody Knows the Trouble I See.” Perhaps that song describes what you are facing today. It could be something so deep that you can’t even share it with your closest friend. You feel like you have no one to turn to — no one with whom you can share your burden. It hurts, doesn’t it?

If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, there is someone with whom you can share it. I’m sure that right now you feel it isn’t the same as having a living caring friend right next to you, but in your own privacy you can pour out your heart to God knowing that He hears your cry. Don’t be upset if a miracle doesn’t happen but expect one. Remember, you and God are a majority, but also remember that in a partnership each partner has to pull his fair share of the load. Solving your problem may involve some hard decisions and difficult actions on your part.

The wise book of Proverbs say this in 18:24, “A person who has friends must first show himself friendly: And there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” For you, that friend is Jesus Christ. It is through Him that you plead your case to God.

THE SERENITY PRAYER

God grant me the Serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can,

and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,

not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,

and supremely happy with Him in the next.

Amen

Reinhold Niebuhr

What Is A Friend?

Job 6:14

Friends are people with whom you dare to be yourself. Your soul can be naked with them. They ask you to put on nothing, only to be what you are. They do not want you to be better or worse. When you are with them, you feel as a prisoner feels who has been declared innocent. You do not have to be on your guard. You can say what you think, as long as it is genuinely you. Friends understand those contradictions in your nature that lead others to misjudge you. With them you breathe freely. You can avow your little vanities and envies and hates and vicious sparks, your meannesses and absurdities, and in opening them up to friends, they are lost, dissolved on the white ocean of their loyalty. They understand. You do not have to be careful. You can abuse them, neglect them, tolerate them. Best of all, you can keep still with them. It makes no matter. They like you. They are like fire that purges to the bone. They understand. You can weep with them, sing with them, laugh with them, pray with them. Through it all - and underneath - they see, know, and love you. A friend? What is a friend? Just one, I repeat, with whom you dare to be yourself.

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C. Raymond Beran, in Bits and Pieces, September 19, 1991, pp. 3-4

Season and Lifetime Friendships

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Being A Friend

Job 6:14

If a person has one or more friends –- true friends –- in a lifetime, they will be very fortunate! Most of us have acquaintances, even very close friends, but not what the Bible calls “friends.”

Our culture seeks to redefine almost everything, including what it means to be, or have, a “friend.” Many who say to us, “I want to be your friend,” do not really know what this requires. Every person needs a friend and, in turn, to be a friend to others. But what will this look like and be like in such a friendless world?

Above all else, it will mean to truly love another. Of course, the standard for our love is God's love as revealed in His Son, Jesus Christ. 1 John 3:16 perhaps defines it best: “... by this we know love [that is, here is how we know what love is] because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for our brothers....”

Furthermore, Proverbs 17:17 tells us “... a friend loves at all times....” In other words, a true friend loves regardless of the circumstances or cost. Love is never determined by where you are, what is happening, what it looks like or what it may cost you to remain with another person. This is described thoroughly in 1 Corinthians 13. Look carefully at how it defines God's kind of love: “... love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy ... does not seek its own [interests], is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity; ... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things; love never fails [that is, it never stops loving] ...” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

This is the kind of friend each of us not only needs but also deeply desires to have at our side as we go through life -- one who can be counted on to believe in you at all times, seeking your well-being regardless of what is being said about you, or what seems to be happening to you. Whatever is needed to sustain your integrity, your reputation or well-being, they will give of themselves to ensure that all is in place beside you.

Conversely, this is the kind of love we need to make available as well. Others must be able to count on us at all times in their lives. Too often, however, when it is costly, we refrain from giving of ourselves completely in this way. We give a limited response that deeply affects another because what they needed was beyond what we were willing to give.

It is incredibly lonely not to have a true friend. Ask God to bring to your life a true friend as you honestly seek to be such a friend to those around you. Remember, “... a man who has friends must himself be friendly...” (Proverbs 18:24). To have or express true friendship will always require the enabling of God's Holy Spirit and presence in us. Galatians 5:22-23 assures us: “... the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control....” All these qualities are expressions of pure love -- God's love. Ask Him to create a heart in you that He can always express it through.

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Basics of Healthy Relationships

"Your family and your love must be cultivated like a garden. Time, effort, and imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing and growing." Jim Rohn ***

FIFTH PILLAR OF SUCCESS: RELATIONSHIPS, PART ONE - BASICS OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

I've come to the realization that everything we do is based on relationships. Relationships make the world go around. We buy out of relationships, wars are fought over broken relationships, we have children because of relationships - every single thing that takes place on this planet is an extension of and is driven by relationships. Our relationships can allow us to experience the peaks of ecstasy and the low valleys of agony. They have the greatest potential to give us joy and cause us to grow and become more if we so choose.

This month we will explore the secrets of successful relationships, and we will seek to understand what ingredients make healthy relationships in our lives. Because ultimately, one person caring about another represents life's greatest value. We will look at four main areas:

1. Basics of Healthy Relationships. There are certain fundamentals that, if mastered, will take you far down the road of healthy relationships. The key to understanding relationships is that relationships involve people. And while every person is different, there are general principles that make most people tick. If we understand these basics or fundamentals, and operate accordingly, we can make our bad relationships good and our good relationships great. We will cover these basics later in this edition.

2. Family and Spousal Relationships. The primary relationships that most people have are with their family. Yes, that wonderful enigma we call family. Those deep and meaningful relationships that can bring the highlights - and the lowlights - of life. That group of people, many of whom we didn't even get to choose, who will walk through this life with us. Your family relationships must be cultivated like a garden. Time, effort and imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship growing and flourishing. We will discuss how to have great family and spousal relationships in next week's edition.

3. Friendships. Second to family, friends are the most important relationships we have. Friendships are unique because they are the relationships we have that are almost entirely voluntary. You don't get to choose your parents or your siblings, but you do get to choose your friends. And so many times we find that these relationships can provide matchless dynamics not found in our other relationships. These especially can, in their own special way, enhance our other relationships. This makes the relationship unique, and we will take a deeper look into successful friendships in two weeks.

4. Business Relationships. Many people do not understand how powerful relationships are in business. You've heard me say it before, but you cannot succeed by yourself. It is hard to find a rich hermit. So many times we underestimate this unique dynamic that has the potential to take us to new levels in our businesses. We may understand that family and friends are about relationships, but mistakenly think that "business is business". The fact is that even in business, relationships rule. Think for a moment about two sales people, one of whom is a friend and one of whom you have never met before. When it comes right down to it, you are most likely to buy from the one you know. That is the foundation of relationships. In three weeks, we will look at how to have great business relationships.

THE BASICS OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Nothing can bring more joy to life than beautifully fulfilling relationships. The depth of meaning, understanding and appreciation that these kinds of relationships bring is almost unfathomable. And, of course, as many people find out, nothing can bring so much pain as a broken relationship with someone dear to you.

Yes, relationships make the world go 'round'. For better or for worse. But the exciting thing is that we can do much to increase our chances of having terrific relationships -- relationships that are fulfilling and exciting, rich with meaning, joy and love. There are basics that govern most human relationships and these basics are what I want to cover below. So, here is my list of the eight essentials that I believe make up the basics of healthy relationships.

1. Love. Now, this all depends on your definition of love. Most people think that love is a feeling, but I would strongly debate that point. Actually, the concept of "like" is really about feelings. When you say you like someone, you are talking about how you feel. But when you say that you love someone, you are not necessarily talking about how you feel about them. Love is much deeper than a feeling. Love is a commitment we make to people to always treat that person right and honorably. Yes, for those we become especially close to, we will have feelings of love, but I believe it is time for us to re-examine what we mean by love. We must expand our definition of what love means by including the commitment aspect of love. For healthy relationships, we must love everyone. We may not like them based on how we feel about them, but we should love them based on our definition of love above which in turn determines how we should act towards them, that is, treat them right and honorably. This is the basis of all healthy relationships.

2. Serving Heart. My good friend Zig Ziglar says frequently that "you can have everything you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want out of life." The concept he is talking about is having a heart and life that is focused on serving other people. The Bible puts it this way: consider others' interests as more important than your own. This is also fundamental to healthy relationships.

3. Honest Communication. In any good relationship you will find open and honest communication. Communication is so important because it is the vehicle that allows us to verbalize what is inside us and enables it to connect with another person. Isn't communication amazing? One person is feeling one thing and through communication, another person can find that out and feel it too -- amazing. And this is a vital goal in good relationships -- to communicate, to tell each other what we are thinking and what we are feeling. It enables us to make a connection. Sometimes we are the one speaking and other times we are listening. Either way, the central tenet is communication for the sake of building the relationship and making it stronger. And here's what's exciting, if we just communicate, we can get by. But if we communicated skillfully, we can work miracles!

4. Friendliness. Put simply, relationships just work better when we are friendly with others. Being friendly can cushion the bumpy ride we sometimes experience in our relationships. Cheerfulness goes a long way toward building lasting relationships. I mean, nobody wants to be around a grump, do they? The fact is that the friendlier you are the more you are going to have people who want to pursue longer-lasting, mutually beneficial relationships with you. So cheer up, put on a smile, have kind words to say to others, treat people with a great deal of friendliness and you will see your relationships improve.

5. Patience. People being people, we have an awful lot of time for practice in the area of patience. People are not perfect and will constantly fail us. And conversely we will fail other people. So while we try to have more patience for others, we need their patience as well. So often, I think relationships break down because people give up and lose patience. I am talking about all kinds of friendships, marriages, business relationships, etc. Recent research has shown that those marriages that go through major turmoil and then make it through, are very strong after doing so. Patience wins out. Those who give up on relationships too early or because the other person isn't perfect, often forget that their next friend, their next spouse or business partner, will not be perfect either! So, we would do well to cultivate this skill and learn to have more patience.

6. Loyalty. Loyalty is a commitment to another person. Sadly, loyalty is often a missing element in many relationships today. We have forgotten what it means to be loyal. Our consumer mentality has affected this to some degree. People are no longer loyal to a product. And unfortunately, many companies are not loyal to their clients or patrons. Regrettably, this has spilled over into our relationships. It is one thing to switch brands of dishwashing detergent. It is another thing altogether to switch friends. Sometimes we just need to commit to being loyal and let the relationship move forward. We need a higher level of stick-to-it-iveness! This kind of loyalty will take our relationships to a much deeper level. What a powerful and secure feeling of knowing that you have a relationship with someone who is loyal to you and you to them -- that neither of you is going anywhere even when things get tough. Wow -- how powerful!

7. A Common Purpose. One of the basics of healthy relationships is to have a common purpose, and oftentimes this is a component that is initially overlooked, but for a long-term, long-lasting relationship it is vital. Think about how many friends you have met through the years while working on a common purpose. Maybe it was someone you met while participating in sports, while working on a political campaign, attending church, at your office, or anything that brought you together to work on a common purpose. You had that strong common bond of purpose that brought you together and held you together. Working together, building together, failing and succeeding together - all while pursuing a common purpose - that is what relationships are made of. Find people with whom you have common purposes and sow the seeds of great relationships, and then reap the long-lasting benefits.

8. Fun. All good relationships have some element of fun. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean, loud, raucous fun, though that is appropriate for some relationships. But even in business relationships there should be some fun. It should be fun to do business with those who you are going to have a long-term business relationship with. Fun brings enjoyment to the relationship and that is important. I think that oftentimes this key element can be easily forgotten or neglected in our family and spousal relationships. The fun things we did initially in a new relationship after a while can be taken for granted or simply fall by the wayside and we stop creating the fun and joy. So remember to consciously craft fun situations and moments, for these are the glue that hold our memories together and make our lives sweet.

There are so many key ingredients to making and maintaining great, long-lasting relationships. Each of the eight components we discussed brings unique dynamics and rewards to your relationships. Let's begin to focus on improving our relationships in these areas and see what miracles occur!

Friendship In the Pit

Proverbs 13:12

"I am in there again," I told my friend. "The pit." A time when no one can cheer you up and you wonder if there ever was or is a God. Have you ever had such times? Discouragement can be devastating even to the best of saints. It can bring us so low. The writer of Proverbs phrased it well when he said, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Prov. 13:12).

When we get so low that we despair of our belief, we can identify with the prophet Elijah who wanted to die after being so discouraged with life.

"I'm coming over," my friend said.

"Aw, you don't have to do that," I said.

"I'm coming over. We're going to pray."

About 30 minutes later my friend walked in the door. We sat down on the living room floor and simply lay on our backs as my friend began to pray. I didn't feel like praying. I was too deep in the pit. All I could do was listen. After awhile my friend was quiet. We both sat quietly for ten to fifteen minutes, praying quietly to ourselves. Suddenly my friend said, "First Thessalonians 5:24!"

"What verse is that?" I asked.

"I don't know," she said. "That is the verse He spoke to me."

I grabbed my Bible and looked up the verse. "The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it."

We laughed. Can He be so personal? Can He care that much? That night I grew more in my love of my two friends, not to mention being brought out of the pit.

Do you have a friend who is there when you need somebody at any hour of the day? Are you there for your friend? Ask the Lord how you can be a better friend to someone today.

Alone With A Friend

Luke 22:28

So Hushai David’s friend came into the city. — 2 Sam. 15:37.

Hushai the Archite, David’s friend … said … God save the king. — 2 Samuel 16:16.

Hushai the Archite was the king’s companion. — 1 Chron. 27:33.

Ye are they which have continued with me … I have called you friends. — Luke 22:28; John 15:15.

Oh, the joy, the inexpressible delight of being alone with your friend, when you can pour out everything that is in your soul. All you think, wheat and chaff together, knowing that your listening friend will with the breadth of kindness blow away the chaff and keep only the grain. Abraham was called the friend of God. — James 2:23; Isaiah 41:8; 2 Chronicles 20:7.

He calls a worm His friend,

He calls Himself my God;

And He shall save me to the end,

through Jesus’ blood.

Who Are You Spending Time With?

Job 34:8

Do you remember Bob Hayes, the man who was named “World’s Fastest Human”?

He was a hero of 1964 Olympics, bringing home the Gold Medal in the 100 meter run, and being clocked at incredible 8.5 seconds in the final 110 yards of 400 meter relay run.

After the Olympics, he became an all-pro wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys. His college coach said that if there had ever been a kid he wished was his, it was Bob Hayes.

Then, in April 1979 Bob was convicted of selling narcotics to an undercover agent. He received two 5-year prison sentences. He went from the pinnacle of success to prison.

According to Hayes, and those who cared most about him, his downfall was caused by his inability to choose good friends. The people he hung around gave him a bad example and got him into trouble.

As a rule, we usually reflect the thoughts and lifestyles of the people we spend the most time with.

Who are you spending time with?

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[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate of HolwickID #20930]

Rent A Friend

Job 7:16

Shane Braisdell of Wigan, England, is selling his friendship on the Internet.

The 29-year-old retail manager, who is married with two children, is offering 12-month friendships in a range of packages.

For 99 pence, people can expect a birthday card, monthly e-mails and a framed certificate of friendship. The most expensive deal is 500 pounds (for which friends will receive a DVD of his choice every month). For packages of 70 pounds and more, Mr. Braisdell will give out his cell phone number.

He describes himself as short and tubby, and he will not enter into extramarital relationships or anything that involves his family.

“I'm trustworthy, honest and reliable,” he says. “Everybody needs more friends.”

________

The Guardian, London; quoted in Peninsula Daily News, October 8, 2004, http://peninsuladailynews.com

Together We Can Do It

At the 1886 Nevada State Fair they had a mule team pulling contest. The first place team pulled 14,000 pounds. The second place team pulled 13,000 pounds.

Someone said, “I wonder how much they could pull together? Could they pull 27,000 pounds?”

They hitched up both teams and together they pulled, not 27,000 but 35,000 pounds! Generally, things that go together also work together. Together we can always accomplish more in life than we can by ourselves. Two things are generally better than one, if they are good things. Two heads are generally better than one.

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What the Golden Plover Teaches Us About Friendship

Luke 11:46

We all need to have people care for us. What is the most terrible thing about being in a nursing home? The feeling that no one cares. If one person visits and shows they are concerned, you can endure any amount of pain.

Nature itself shows us that we need each other. There is a bird in Alaska called the Golden Plover. Every winter it does what any sane person would do - it flies to Hawaii. For this annual trip it flies across open sea. There are no islands along the way and since the Golden Plover cannot swim, it goes the whole way without a single rest stop. This is incredible because the distance is 2,800 miles and takes eighty-eight hours. Just imagine driving your car that long. The bird must beat its wings 250,000 times.

To prepare for the trip the Golden Plover pigs out until fat constitutes one-third of its weight. This is its fuel. Each hour it flies, it consumes one half of one percent of its body weight (which is very efficient - jets consume twenty-four times as much). If a two-hundred-pound person did this they would lose a pound an hour.

After flying seventy-two hours a Golden Plover should have consumed all its fat, but this would leave it over five hundred miles from Hawaii. We would expect it to poop out and crash into the sea, but it doesn't. The reason is that God gave them companions. By flying in a V-formation instead of by themselves the birds save twenty-three percent of their energy. The leader breaks up the turbulent air, making it easier for those who follow. When the leader gets tired he drops to the back of the line and another takes over. In this way they not only make it to Hawaii, they also have a small supply of fat left to help them in case the wind is against them.

Jesus used birds to make spiritual applications. In Matthew 6:26 he says:

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store

away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you

not much more valuable than they?"

If Jesus had considered the Golden Plover I think he would have pointed out their dependence on each other. People need other people. We can help each other go the distance.

Relationships: the Glue That Holds Your Church Together

Acts 2:42

The importance of helping members develop friendships within your church cannot be overemphasized. Relationships are the glue that holds a church together. Friendships are the key to retaining members.

A friend once told me of a survey he took in a church. When he asked, “Why did you join this church?” 93 percent of the members said, “I joined because of the pastor.”

When he then asked, “What if the pastor leaves? Will you leave?” 93 percent said no. When he asked why they wouldn't leave, the response was, “because I have friends here!”

Do you notice the shift in allegiance? This is normal and healthy.

Lyle Schaller has done extensive research that shows the more friendships a person has in a congregation, the less likely he is to become inactive or leave. In contrast, I once read about a survey of four hundred church drop-outs who were asked why they left their churches. Over 75 percent of the respondents said, “I didn't feel anyone cared whether I was there or not.”

It is a myth that you must know everyone in the church in order to feel like a part of a church. The average church member knows 67 people in the congregation, whether the church has 200 or 2,000 attending. A member does not have to know everyone in the church in order to feel like it's “my church,” but he does have to know some people.

While some relationships will spontaneously develop by chance, the friendship factor in assimilation is too crucial to leave to chance. You can't just hope members will make friends in the church. You must encourage it, plan for it, structure for it and facilitate it.

• Think relationally.

Create as many opportunities as you can for people to meet and get to know each other. Members can walk in and out of church for a year and still never really develop any friendships.

Try to include some kind of relational activity in every congregation meeting. It may be as simple as saying, “Turn around and introduce yourself to one person and find out something interesting about them.”

Since most people have a hard time remembering names, especially in a larger church, use nametags as often as you can. Nothing is more embarrassing than not knowing the name of someone you've seen at church for years.

Although we've used all kinds of events to build relationships within our church family (supper clubs, sports, game nights, picnics, etc.), by far the most effective tool for cultivating new friendships has been our use of weekend retreats.

Consider this: The amount of time a person spends with other members at a single 48-hour retreat is greater than what they will spend together in Sunday over a year. If you're a church planter and you want to develop relationships quickly in your church, take everybody on a retreat.

• Encourage every member to join a small group.

Another effective tool for building relationships is small groups. Not only do they help people connect with one another, they also allow your church to maintain a “small church” feeling of fellowship as it grows. Small groups can provide the personal care and attention every member deserves no matter how big the church becomes.

Develop a network of small groups, built around different purposes, interests, age groups, geography, etc. To be honest, it really doesn't matter what rationale you use to start new groups. Just keep starting them!

It's unlikely that very many new members will join existing small groups. New members assimilate best into new groups. You can even start new groups right out of your membership class. New members have their “newness” in common.

One of the sayings I repeat over and over to our staff and lay leaders is, “Our church must always be growing larger and smaller at the same time.” By that I mean there must be a balance between the large group celebration and the small group cells. Both are important to the health of a church.

The large group celebrations give people the feeling that they're a part of something significant. Large group meetings are impressive to unbelievers and encouraging to your members.

But you can't share personal prayer requests in a crowd.

Small affinity groups, on the other hand, are perfect for creating a sense of intimacy and close fellowship. It's there that everybody knows your name. When you're absent, people notice. You're missed if you don't show up.

Because Saddleback existed for 15 years without owning a building we've had a heavy reliance on small groups for our adult education and fellowship. Using homes allowed us to expand numerically and geographically without investing any money in buildings. Even though we now own a 120-acre campus, we will continue to use homes for our small group meetings.

In addition to being biblical, there are four benefits of using homes: they are infinitely expandable (homes are everywhere); they are unlimited geographically (you can minister to a wider area); it's good stewardship, releasing more money for ministry (you use buildings that other people pay for!); and it facilitates closer relationships (people are more relaxed in a home setting).

• Small groups work!

The larger your church grows, the more important small groups become for handling the pastoral care functions. They provide the personal touch that everyone needs, especially in a crisis. At Saddleback we say the whole church is like a cruise ship and the small groups are the lifeboats.

I don't have the space to give a detailed explanation of our small group strategy and structure. Let me just say this: Small groups are the most effective way of closing the back door of your church. We never worry about losing people who are connected to a small group. We know they've built relationships which truly make them a part of the body.

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Where Have All the Friends Gone?

Luke 14:25

Where have true, God-purposed “friends” gone, in this day of ours?

Most of us start out seeking godly, true friends to walk with us over the stormy times, the pressured times and even our failures. But somewhere in our life experiences “true friends” seem harder and harder to find –- and keep! Circumstances change and real, or perceived, pressures on our friends lead them to think of their own best interests instead of ours. They then tend to leave us alone, taking sides with others and protecting themselves, becoming afraid to keep deeply identifying with us.

God, revealed in his Word, set the standard for friendship. I must know what God intended and choose to develop my character so I can be a true friend to others who seek me out to be their friend. There is always a cost involved in friendship. But God intends for one to be a friend “at all times.” And a friend is truly “born for adversity.” Jesus would say to those who said they wanted to be His friend: “Count the cost ahead of time” (Luke 14:25-33). A friend identifies fully with another, at all times. So you must choose carefully those you would befriend! To honor God, you must remain a friend.

In the Bible, friendship is clearly seen. David had Jonathan as a friend. Jeremiah had Baruch. Moses had Joshua. All were true friends through good times and evil times. Often the cost of being a friend threatened their very life, but they remained true to each other.

In our day most are seeking one true friend. It has been said if you can have one true friend in your lifetime you will be most blessed. It is time for each of us to re-think friendship, and set our hearts to be a true friend to others. In Paul’s life, they are called “companions” -– deeply involved and carrying the burdens of Paul, even into prison. Barnabas was Paul’s first true friend given to him by God

Remember what Jesus said, in terms of a ‘friend’: “How you receive the one I send you, you are receiving me; and he who receives Me receives Him who sent Me” (John 13:20).

In the workplace you need a friend, and you need to be a friend!

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A Buddy For Only $1,200

Job 6:14

Mike Correll, a 54-year-old entrepreneur, has built a healthy business in Atlanta on a peculiar, if pragmatic, belief: - successful men have little time for making friends. But they do have enough money to buy them.

That's right; for a fee that runs as high as $1,200, Mr. Correll will go out and buy you a buddy. Not just any buddy; not for just anybody. Rather, Mr. Correll specializes in the corner office: matching harried and isolated male executives who claim they can't find the time to make close friends.

So what about the rest of us? We'll have to get friends the old-fashioned way - make them.

Fundamentals of Friendship

Proverbs 18:24

Sermon in series on Proverbs Proverbs 18:24

FUNDAMENTALS OF FRIENDSHIP

==========================

I. Connecting to others. 22:24-25; 27:17

II. Proverbs' advice on being a good friend.

A. Be committed. 18:24, 17:17, 27:10

B. Be candid. 27:6, 27:9

C. Be confidential. 16:28, 17:9

D. Be caring and considerate. 25:17, 27:14, 26:18, 3:28

III. Friendship is a key to a good church.

A. They won't stay because of the applesauce.

B. Opportunities for friendship.

C. Friends help you go the distance.

IV. Friendship doesn't have to be limited to people. James 2:23

A Friend Is ...

A push when you're stopped,

A guide when you're searching,

A song when you're glad,

A word when you're lonely,

A smile when you're sad.

We Go Where Our Friends Are

Christianity is a social religion. It loses power whenever the social element is left out. I have heard many people say that they did not care to go to a certain church because the people were not sociable, but I have never heard anyone say yet that they stayed away from the church because the people were so friendly and sociable they could not stand it. Rich or poor, learned or unlearned, we all have a craving for fellowship.

The saloon has much of its power in this hunger of the heart to find some sort of fraternal greeting. I asked a man the other night why he went to the saloon and put himself in the way of drinking, when he really desired to stop it, and his answer was: "All the people who are willing to talk to me are there. I must go where my friends are."

Let us make the church so full of social kindness that the people who come in will find friends with us.

Seeking Good Friendships

Psalms 1:1

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly. — Psalm 1:1

A lover of hospitality, a lover of good men, sober, just, holy, temperate. — Titus 1:8.

The Christian should seek the friendship of good, godly and consistent Christians (Mal. 3:16). Though he cannot choose his work-fellows, he can choose his company. David said, “I am a companion of them that fear thy name” (Psalm 119:63). It is still true that a man is known by the company he keeps. Many a Christian has lost out in his life because he failed in this respect. (James 4:4). — A. P. Gibbs.

Not with the light and vain,

the man of idle feet and wanton eyes:

Not with the world’s gay, ever-smiling train,

my lot be with the grave and wise;

With them I’d walk each day,

from them time’s solemn lessons would I learn,

That false from true, and true from false,

I may each hour more patiently discern.

A Friend Loves

Proverbs 17:17

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity … and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. — Proverbs 17:17; 18:24.

Friendship lives in the heart, grows in the mind, travels in the speech, shines out through the countenance, and pronounces God’s sublime benediction to the troubled and distressed soul. Friendship is the surety of peace, the seal of love, the rest of perfect understanding, and the experience of joy.

What a friend we have in Jesus!

All our sins and griefs to bear,

What a privilege to carry

Everything to God in prayer!

Oh, what peace we often forfeit!

Oh, what needless pain we bear!

All because we do not carry,

Everything to God in prayer. — Joseph Scriven.

Side By Side

Hebrews 4:16

I was recently reminded of a beautiful poem by Philip Booth. In “First Lesson,” the narrator teaches his daughter how to swim. He gently instructs her that she must relax and lie back in order to float; to help her do this, he lightly holds her until she is floating and he can withdraw his hands without her noticing. The poem ends:

As you float now, where I held you

and let go, remember when fear

cramps your heart what I told you:

lie gently and wide to the light-year

stars, lie back, and the sea will hold you.

Years ago, when I first read this poem, I was struck by the resemblance the image of the sea bears to God’s sustaining grace. When we are fighting to keep ourselves afloat, we cannot feel God’s grace, but when we cease striving and trust God, we find that He always gives us “grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).

I still love the image of the sea in the poem, but this time the resemblance that struck me was that between the role of the one giving the lesson and the role of a Christian in friendship. Friendship is a topic that is rarely addressed in Christian teaching. That may be because we expect that it should come naturally and effortlessly. But I have found that most Christians are not exactly where they would like to be in terms of friendships; most of us either move through life independently or fall to the other extreme of being overly dependent on our friends, looking to them for fulfillment that can only ultimately come from Christ.

Consider the image of a father teaching his daughter to swim: he holds her, but the point of his holding her is to let her go. He holds her in a way so that she can feel what it is to be lifted up by the sea, and once she gets used to that feeling, she finds he is no longer supporting her.

That is one picture of what Christian friendship should be. We should be helping each other learn how to live by grace, not in our own strength, and not in the strength of our friends. If the friendship itself becomes the point of the friendship, it will sour. C. S. Lewis (one of the few great Christian writers who wrote extensively on friendship) puts it this way:

[W]e picture lovers face to face, but Friends side by side; their

eyes look ahead. That is why those pathetic people who simply

“want friends” can never make any. The very condition of having

Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends.

Where the truthful answer to the question DO YOU SEE THE SAME

TRUTH? would be “I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth;

I only want a Friend,” no Friendship can arise -- though

Affection of course may. There would be nothing for the

Friendship to be ABOUT; and Friendship must be about something,

even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice.(1)

The very best friendships are those that are about God Himself. Friends should bear one another’s burdens in a way that lifts them up to God, not in a way that makes the friend indispensable. Some of you who do not feel a keen need to be needed may have no idea what I’m talking about, but if you’ve ever felt a yearning to know that someone couldn’t get along without you, you know what I’m talking about. We must resist the temptation to hope that our friends will come to depend upon us and instead hope that knowing us will help them become more dependent upon God.

If you have been on the receiving end of such a friendship, one that encourages you to lie back and rest your full weight on the sustaining love of God, you have been richly blessed. Do not forget that the purpose of the one holding you up was, ultimately, to release you. There are times when we must hold one another up, but we should do it in the hope that someday we’ll be able to float side by side, gazing up at the stars.

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1. C.S. Lewis THE FOUR LOVES (New York: Harcourt, Brace Jovanovich, 1960), 98.

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The Indian-type Friend

Galatians 6:2

”Share each other’s troubles and problems, and so obey our Lord’s command” (Galatians 6:2, TLB)

The North American Indians had no written language before they met the white man. Their language, however, was far from primitive. Many of the Indians had as many words in their vocabulary as their English and French exploiters. Some of their words were much more picturesque, too. For example, “friend” to the Indians was “one-who-carries-my-sorrows-on-his-back.”

Everybody needs at least one trusted “Indian-type” friend with whom he or she can share his or her deepest sorrows and painful feelings. We all need a helping hand and a listening ear when we’re going through difficult times.

How do we find such a friend? First, by praying and asking God to help us to be an “Indian-type” friend our self. Next, by getting the help we need to become this kind of friend. And then by asking God to help us find such a friend.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to become a true “Indian-type-safe-burden-bearing friend” myself to be supportive of others in need, and help me to find a friend with whom I feel safe to share all my sorrows, failures, struggles, and problems. Gratefully in Jesus’ name.”

A Prodigious Life: the Fruits of Newton's Friendships

Job 6:14

While John Newton is best-known as the author of the famous hymn, “Amazing Grace,” his life teemed with spiritual fruit. A new biography on his life by Jonathan Aitken gives us a peek into a prodigious legacy of the man who described himself with one simple sentence: “I am a great sinner, but Christ is a great Savior.”

While Newton is certainly remembered today for “Amazing Grace,” in his own day he was known for his bestselling autobiography called AN AUTHENTIC NARRATIVE. A notorious blasphemer, a rebellious shipman, a trafficker in slaves, Newton showed the people of his time how Christ can save the most wretched among us.

Though Newton was a prolific author, preacher, and hymn-writer, perhaps his most profound legacy is the fruit of his friendships. In his lifetime, many referred to Newton as the friend of William Cowper. Cowper became one of the most beloved poets in the English language. He also gave us some of the most beautiful and theologically astute hymns to enter our hymnals. But had it not been for the friendship of John Newton, it is doubtful that Cowper would have had such a body of work.

Cowper, you see, suffered throughout his life from terrible depression. But the window of his most productive years opened when his friendship with Newton began. It was then Cowper collaborated with Newton on the Olney Hymnal, producing such works as, “There is a Fountain Filled with Blood,” “God Moves in Mysterious Ways,” and “Jesus, Where’er Thy People Meet.” As one biographer noted, “Cowper, throughout [his] life, lacked personal initiative.” The encouragement from Newton, however, was enough to spur Cowper to produce some 60 hymns. And when Cowper later sunk into such a depression that he nearly took his own life, it was his friendship with Newton that stayed his hand.

Newton also played a vital role as friend and mentor in the life of William Wilberforce. You know, of course, that Wilberforce led the charge to abolish the British slave trade and ultimately slavery itself in England. When Wilberforce came to faith, he turned to Newton for advice. It was Newton who encouraged him not to abandon politics for the clergy, but to use his political skills for good. It was Newton who encouraged him to take up that Great Object of abolishing the slave-trade. And it was Newton who encouraged him to persevere when Wilberforce considered giving up the fight in 1796, a story beautifully recreated in the marvelous DVD movie AMAZING GRACE.

Well into his later years, Newton continued to bear fruit in his friendships. He established the Eclectic society, a gathering of pastors and lay leaders that became the inspiration for the Church Missionary Society. He helped bring a young writer by the name of Hannah More to faith. She went on to start the modern Sunday School movement. And he met for breakfast frequently with a young man by the name of William Carey, who would become a missionary to India and a catalyst for the modern mission’s movement.

Newton would not have considered himself a great saint, but a great sinner used by God. His life reminds us all of the profound impact that deep spiritual friendships can have. And it encourages us, as Hebrews, teaches “to spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” Who knows what may come of it? The abolition of slavery, great literature, and hymns, for one.

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Barzillai, A Friend of David

2 Samuel 17:27

Charles Kingsley was an English clergyman and novelist. Born in 1819, he was educated in private schools, and then at King’s College in London. He became chaplain to Queen Victoria, and taught history at Cambridge University. His two most famous novels are “Westward Ho!,” an adventure story, and “Water Babies,” an exciting lesson in the wonders of nature. He died in 1875. When asked what was the secret of his blessed life, he answered, “I had a friend.”

Barzillai first appears at a crucial moment in King David’s life. He was a rich man, an influential citizen, and a friend to his heart-stricken king. His story is found in 2 Samuel 17:27-29, 19:31-40, and 1 Kings 2:7. His name means, “made of iron or strong.” Here is his story.

1. He was a man of courageous loyalty. King David had been driven from his throne by his own son, Absalom, and sorely needed support. Barzillai rallied to his side, remaining his friend in what is considered by many, the worst hour of David’s life. Two things to remember: David had brought this heartache on himself, due to his adultery with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband, Uriah. Second, friendship towards David meant certain execution, if Absalom prevailed. Yet, according to 2 Samuel 17:27-29, Barzillai brought necessary provisions to the hungry, thirsty followers of David. Someone has correctly observed, “In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends.”

2. He was a man of unconditional brotherly love. A noted Christian psychologist stated, “In my professional practice, I find that the loneliest people...those with the greatest longings to be touched...are those without at least one close friend. It’s surprising how many people there are like that.” Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” The Pulpit Commentary states, “Misfortunes, says our maxim, is the touchstone of friendship.” Another commentator says, “At all times a friend loves, but in adversity he is born (i.e., becomes) a brother.” Matthew Henry wrote, “Swallow friends, that fly to you in summer, but are gone in winter, such friends there is no loss of.” Although David was unpopular, Barzillai knew the soul of David, and that he was a man after God’s own heart. To him, David was still godly, although a fugitive, and his great, loving heart bled for the king. Henry Durbanville made this observation about friendship: “A friend is the first person to come in when the whole world goes out.”

3. He was a man of influence and benevolence. He is described as a great man, with a noble seat at Rogelim. Twice he assisted David. First, when he fled from Absalom and second, when he was returning home to his throne. 2 Samuel 19:31, “And Barzillai the Gileadite came down from Rogelim and went across the Jordan with the king, to escort him across the Jordan.” He did not squander his wealth on idle pleasures, nor hoard it for selfish ends. His position, prestige and purse were beneficially used for others. Helen Keller once said, “With the death of every friend I love...a part of me has been buried...but their contribution to my being of happiness, strength and understanding remains to sustain me in an altered world.”

4. He was a man of humility. He was invited by David to go to Jerusalem with him to live the rest of his days, yet refused to be rewarded, 2 Samuel 19:33-38. He felt his services were trivial and unworthy of any recompense from David. An Arab proverb states, “A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.”

5. He was a man of lasting example. Some of King David’s last words to his son Solomon were, “But show kindness to the sons of Barzillai the Gileadite, and let them be among those who eat at your table, for so they came to me when I fled from Absalom your brother.” Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.”

As the train left Victoria Station in London, a trembling man suddenly rolled off his seat and had a seizure. His friend reached down, pulled him up, and wrapped a coat over him. The shaking stopped. The friend said to the other passengers, “Please forgive us. We were in Vietnam together. He’s an Englishman and I’m an American. We were wounded and I lost my leg. My friend had half his chest blown away by a grenade, but he got up, grabbed me by my shirt, and began dragging me to safety. Every step he took, he screamed with pain. I told him to let me go, or we’d both die. He said, ‘Billy, if you die, I’m going to die with you!’ He got us out of the jungle. When I learned he had epilepsy, I came here to take care of him. After what he did for me, there isn’t anything I would not do for him.”

“No one could tell me where my soul might be;

I sought for God, but God eluded me;

I sought my brother out and found all three.”

As John Wesley said, “A man must have friends or make friends; for no one ever went to heaven alone.” May God give us the heart of Barzillai.

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Another version of the Train Station story, from Tony Campolo's book YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE:

A friend of mine was on a train travelling out of Victoria Station in London. Across from him in the compartment were two men in their early thirties. Twenty minutes out of the station, one of them had an epileptic seizure. Perhaps you know how frightening such a seizure can be. The man stiffened and fell heavily out of his seat. Immediately, his friend took off his own jacket, rolled it up and put it behind his friend’s head. He blotted the beads of perspiration from his brow with his handkerchief, talked to the stricken man in a quiet manner and calmed him. When the seizure was over, he lifted his friend gently back to his seat.

Then he turned to my friend and said, “Mister, please forgive us. Sometimes this happens two or three times a day. My buddy and I were in Vietnam together, and we were both wounded. I had bullets in both my legs and he had one in his shoulder. The helicopter that was supposed to come for us never came to pick us up.

“My friend picked me up, mister, and he carried me for three and a half days out of that jungle. The Viet Cong were sniping at us the whole way. He was in more agony than I was. I begged him to drop me and save himself, but he wouldn’t let me go. He got me out of that jungle, mister. He saved my life. I don’t know how he did it and I don’t know why he did it.

“Four years ago, I found that he had this condition, so I sold my house in New York, took what money I had, and came over here to take care of him.” And then he looked at his friend and said, “You see, mister, after what he did for me, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him.”

Happiness Can Spread Like A Disease

Job 6:14

Happiness is contagious, spreading among friends, neighbors, siblings and spouses like the flu, according to a large study that for the first time shows how emotion can ripple through clusters of people who may not even know each other.

The study of more than 4,700 people who were followed over 20 years found that people who are happy or become happy boost the chances that someone they know will be happy. The power of happiness, moreover, can span another degree of separation, elevating the mood of that person’s husband, wife, brother, sister, friend or next-door neighbor.

“You would think that your emotional state would depend on your own choices and actions and experience,” said Nicholas A. Christakis, a medical sociologist at Harvard University who helped conduct the study published online today by BMJ, a British medical journal. “But it also depends on the choices and actions and experiences of other people, including people to whom you are not directly connected. Happiness is contagious.”

One person’s happiness can affect another’s for as much as a year, the researchers found, and while unhappiness can also spread from person to person, the “infectiousness” of that emotion appears to be far weaker.

Previous studies have documented the common experience that one person’s emotions can influence another’s -- laughter can trigger guffaws in others; seeing someone smile can momentarily lift one’s spirits. But the new study is the first to find that happiness can spread across groups for an extended period.

When one person in the network became happy, the chances that a friend, sibling, spouse or next-door neighbor would become happy increased between 8 percent and 34 percent, the researchers found. The effect continued through three degrees of separation, although it dropped progressively from about 15 percent to 10 percent to about 6 percent before disappearing.

The research follows previous work by Christakis and co-author James H. Fowler that found that obesity also appears to spread from person to person, as does the likelihood of quitting smoking. The researchers have been using detailed records originally collected by the Framingham Heart Study, a long-running project that has explored a host of health issues, to construct and analyze detailed maps of social networks.

The findings, Christakis and others said, provide striking new evidence of the power of social networks, which could have implications for public policy. Happy people tend to be better off in myriad ways, being more creative, productive and healthier.

“For a long time, we measured the health of a country by looking at its gross domestic product,” said Fowler, a political scientist at the University of California at San Diego who co-authored the study. “But our work shows that whether a friend’s friend is happy has more influence than a $5,000 raise. So at a time when we’re facing such economic difficulties, the message could be, ‘Hang in there. You still have your friends and family, and these are the people to rely on to be happy.’ “

Other experts praised the study as a landmark in the growing body of evidence documenting the influence of personal connections and the importance of positive emotions.

“It’s a pathfinding article,” said Martin E.P. Seligman, a University of Pennsylvania psychologist. “It’s totally original, and the findings are striking.”

Stanley Wasserman, who studies social networks at Indiana University, said: “We’ve known that one’s network ties are important, but we’ve never looked at anything on this scale. The implications are you can’t look at individuals as little entities devoid of their social context.”

Others, however, questioned the findings, noting that it is difficult to account for every variable that might affect the outcomes of such studies.

“Researchers should be cautious in attributing correlations in health outcomes of close friends in social network effects,” wrote Ethan Cohen-Cole of the Federal Reserve Bank of Boston and Jason M. Fletcher of Yale University in an accompanying study. Their research used data from a large federal survey to show that acne, headaches and even height could appear to spread through social networks if not analyzed properly. “The methods of detecting ‘social network effects’ of health outcomes commonly found in the recent medical literature might produce effects where none exists.”

But Christakis said his analysis took other possible explanations into consideration.

Ed Diener, a psychologist at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, said the findings could explain why people in some countries tend to be happier than others. “This is an extremely exciting study -- interesting, provocative and important,” Diener said.

While obesity appeared to spread even among people who lived far apart, happiness appears to be transmitted only among people who live within a mile of one another. The influence was also greatest among people who considered themselves mutual friends.

Because the researchers did not find the effect for people living on the same block beyond a next-door neighbor, they were confident that the positive mood was not the result of living in the same good neighborhood. Because people tended to get happier if someone they knew became happy, the researchers could rule out the alternative explanation that happy people tend to be drawn to each other.

“We know it’s not a ‘birds of a feather flock together’ effect,” Christakis said.

Surprisingly, happiness had no such effect at work. The researchers speculated that work relationships may have different dynamics. One worker might become happy because he or she got a raise or a promotion at the expense of another, for example.

Unhappiness also appeared to be catching, but not as strongly: An unhappy connection increased the chances of being unhappy by about 7 percent on average, while a happy connection increased the chances of being happy by about 9 percent. While having more friends is important for a person’s happiness, the benefit of having more friends appears to be canceled out if they are unhappy, the researchers found.

The researchers and others speculated that the emotion may be important on an evolutionary level by helping people cooperate. Seligman likened happiness to an orchestra tuning up.

“Laughter and singing and smiling tune the group emotionally,” Seligman said. “They get them on the same wavelength so they can work together more effectively as group.”

Do You Like Your Spouse?

Genesis 27:41

The first thing I did when I got engaged was call my parents and grandparents to tell them the good news. My grandfather -- equal parts straight-shooter and comedian -- remarked: “Well, that’s pretty good, I guess. I just have one question. Do you like this girl?”

The question took me off guard. Why else would I have asked her to be my wife? “I love her with all my heart,” I said.

He replied, “I didn’t ask you if you loved her. I asked if you liked her. You’re going to be married to her for the rest of your life, and you’re probably going to disagree and argue and fight a lot, so if you’re going to work through conflict, you better really like this girl as a person and a friend.”

He knew a truth about all relationships: conflict happens. Broken relationships often go off track because somebody insists on having something their way. Jacob and Esau are a prime example, but they also show us the key to repairing a broken relationship.

Jacob was continually grabbing at his brother’s heel. He grabbed Esau’s birthright. He grabbed Esau’s blessing. And if he wasn’t careful, he was going to grab more than he bargained for: “Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. And Esau determined in his heart: ‘The days of mourning for my father are approaching; then I will kill my brother Jacob’” (Genesis 27:41).

If you’ve ever been let down or injured, if you’ve ever experienced searing anger, then you can relate to the raw emotion Esau expressed toward Jacob. Esau felt his anger was justified, and we often feel the same.

A relationship that once was a blessing can become broken.

Twenty years later, Jacob had become a changed man. More than having matured, he had moved forward in repentance and restoration. This required humility. Humility is a needed cure for the sickness of a broken relationship. Thankfully, God had also been at work in Esau’s life.

In the end, the brothers were able to reconcile because one humbled himself and the other forgave. Either one could have kept up the wall. Both were willing to knock it down. In the same way, it’s up to us to knock down the walls we’ve put up in our lives. We start here:

If you’ve wronged someone, ask forgiveness. If needed, seek to make restitution.

If someone wronged you, forgive. Period. Even if the offender never apologizes, forgive.

Our example is Jesus Christ, who came to earth for the very purpose of reconciling us to God and restoring our right standing with God. He forgave all who killed Him, and He forgives us.

Exercise humility and take the first step. Trust God with the rest.

A Postcard Placed Vietnamese Couple On Path To Faith

Daniel 7

Tri Phan and his wife MyDung knew little about Christianity when he began his Ph.D. studies in 2004 in environmental engineering at the University of Oklahoma in Norman. They had just arrived from Vietnam, and only Tri spoke English.

After living in Norman for nearly a year, MyDung told her husband she wanted to find a class where she and their daughter Annie could learn English. A few days later, a postcard arrived from Bethel Baptist Church announcing an open house for its new children’s building. “When I received the postcard, I decided to see if this church had any programs that would help my wife and daughter learn English,” Tri said. “I was making friends at the university but I was also anxious for my wife and daughter to make some English-speaking friends.”

Tri took his wife and daughter to Bethel’s open house. “Everyone was very friendly,” he said, “and even though my wife couldn’t understand the words they spoke, she liked the way they treated our daughter, so we decided to come back the next Sunday.” That Sunday, after dropping Annie in the preschool department, Tri and MyDung were taken to a Bible study class for young adults that was studying the book of Daniel in the Old Testament. “This was the first time my wife and I had ever been in a church,” Tri said, “and I’ll always remember my very first lesson from the Bible was an explanation of Daniel’s vision of the four beasts.”

Although the lesson from Daniel 7 might have been a difficult introduction to the Bible and could have discouraged some people from ever attending church again, Tri said the verses made him even more curious about Christianity, and he and his family began attending Bible study and worship services at Bethel. The Bible study on Daniel ended within a few weeks; after that, the teacher began a series of lessons on the apostle Paul’s letter to the Romans in the New Testament. “These PowerPoint studies on the Roman Road made the Gospel much clearer to me, but it wasn’t until much later that I really understood what faith in Christ really meant,” Tri recounted.

After he began attending church, Tri told his OU adviser, David Sabatini, about his desire to know more about Christianity. Sabatini, known on campus for his faith, began meeting with Tri every Monday in order to study the book of John together. Two months later, encouraged by members of her Sunday School class, MyDung enrolled in an English-language class (ESL) offered by Bethel every Tuesday morning. Not only did she start learning English, she and her daughter soon began making friends. “My ESL friends became so important to me,” MyDung said. “I wanted to be just like them because they were so kind and friendly.”

In May 2006, a year after being introduced to the Gospel for the first time, Tri gave his heart to Christ and was baptized. “I came to faith in Christ through the realization that Christ was the missing part in my life. I had always wanted to live a good life, but I was confused about how good was good enough, and I struggled to find the way to reach that goodness. I finally understood the Scriptures I had studied in Romans. I knew I was a sinner [Romans 3:23] and I knew I deserved to pay for my sin [Romans 6:23], but when I took the final step of asking for forgiveness and confessing my sins [Romans 10:13], that was the moment I became a believer.

“When I found Christ through the Bible studies and through the lives of Christians like Dr. Sabatini and our friends at Bethel, I came to the conclusion this is it. I’ve found what I’ve been looking for.”

Tri noted one of his favorite Bible verses: “I came to realize the truth of what Jesus said in John 14:6: ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me.’ Those words became real for me.”

MyDung’s journey of faith proceeded at a slower pace, especially since she found it difficult to learn English and had to leave her friends at Bethel in 2009 after Tri received his Ph.D. The family moved to Houston, where Tri went to work for Nalco Champion, an energy corporation specializing in the environment.

Soon after purchasing a home in suburban Sugar Land, Tri and his family became involved in a Vietnamese church in the area and, within a short time, Tri began teaching a Sunday School class. Not long after the birth of their second child, MyDung also received Christ as her Savior. However, instead of being baptized in the Vietnamese church, she decided to return to Oklahoma so she could be baptized at Bethel Baptist Church. “I came to know Jesus because the first Christians I met were at this church,” she said, “and I wanted to proclaim my commitment in front of them.”

Today, Tri is the secretary of the board of directors of the Vietnamese church in Sugar Land. “We are serving and spreading the Good News to the Vietnamese American community in southwest Houston,” he said. “Looking back now, I realize the way God brought me and my family to Him is truly amazing.”

More Than Information: Friendships In A Digital Age

Job 6:14

A recent Toyota ad features a teenager sitting with her friends. That is, she’s on Facebook alone in front of her computer. Older people, she laments, are “becoming more and more anti-social.” That’s why she pushed her parents into joining Facebook. But despite all her efforts, her parents only have nineteen friends while she has six hundred eighty-seven friends. “This is living,” she adds.

Meanwhile the ad cuts to mom and dad who are mountain biking with other actual, live, humans. That is, they’re spending the day with their friends while their daughter stares at Facebook.

In “Faux Friends,” an essay in the Chronicle of Higher Education, William Deresiewicz writes, “We live at a time when friendship has become both all and nothing at all.” Husbands and wives, parents and children, bosses and employees, pastors and church members, waiters and customers, politicians and voters are all “friends.” And now thanks to Facebook and other social networking websites, people who barely remember each other from junior high school are “friends,” too.

We’ve come a long way from David and Jonathan or Ruth and Naomi, two classic examples of friends in the Bible. Such friendships with their emotional intensity, personal commitment, and sacrificial love are rare today even in marriage. They take time, effort, and a willingness to know and be known as you really are.

Facebook, as Deresiewicz argues, gives us the impression of friendship not the real thing. On Facebook all our friends are assembled in one place. “Except,” as he says, “of course, they’re not in the same place, or, rather, they’re not my friends. They’re simulacra of my friends, little dehydrated packets of images and information, no more my friends than a set of baseball cards is the New York Mets.”

As one woman told him, “It’s like they’re all having a conversation. Except they’re not.”

On-line you can be whatever you want to be, carefully crafting your image. Or — even worse — you can indiscriminately broadcast all your inmost thoughts and feelings, things that are better kept for private conversations with ... well, with your real friends.

Of course, the problems with friendship today are bigger than Facebook, MySpace, and other sites. Friendship was in trouble before they came along. They’ve just made the situation worse.

Deresiewicz correctly identifies the idea implicit in social networking, “that identity is reducible to information,” specifically our “consumer preferences.” And social networking is, for the most part, nothing more than sharing information. But data tell us little or nothing about another person’s character — the most important quality of a good friend. We only learn about that as we patiently share and hear one another’s stories.

“Posting information,” Deresiewicz writes, “is like pornography, a slick, impersonal exhibition.” Exchanging stories, he says, is mutual and intimate. It involves “probing, questioning ... It takes patience, devotion, sensitivity, subtlety, skill,” all of which sharing stories teaches them.

While social-networking sites may have their place, Christian friendships, inspired by God’s love, have to go much deeper than digital chumminess. Indeed, we need to demonstrate the kind of relationship Jesus has with us when he calls each of us “friend.”

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Every Friendship Needs A Glue

John 15:15

Every friendship needs a glue. You don’t get friends because you need friends -- you have to bring something to the table. You have to have a shared interest or common values.

C.S. Lewis said that the most pathetic people were those who simply “want friends.” The very condition of having friends is that we must want something else beside friends. If two people would ask of each other, “Do you see the same truth? Do you sense the same beauty?” and the truthful answer is, “No. I don’t see it, I just want you as a friend.” Precisely for that reason, no real friendship can happen. There is nothing for the friendship to be “about.” Seeking a friend doesn’t usually mean searching for someone, it usually involves pursuing something deeply important to you and discovering those who share it.

Pastor Leonard VanderZee points out that in church, friendships grow and flourish in an atmosphere of mutual love for the Lord and the study of his Word. Don’t join a church if you’re looking for a friend. Join one if you’re seeking God in fellowship with others. Then you’re likely to find a friend.

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Adapted from Rev. Leonard J. Vander Zee's sermon "Friends," South Bend Christian Reformed Church; South Bend, Indiana. Kerux Sermon #21949.

Sharpened

Proverbs 27:17

Reflecting on many years in ministry, I am drawn to the truth of Proverbs 27:17: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” I have seen it play out in my own life more times than I can remember.

We usually think of ministry as investing our lives through serving others, as we hopefully “sharpen” them through discipleship, worship and community. However, others likewise have sharpened me in the past -- often when I didn’t even realize it.

What does this proverb mean, exactly? Most commentators see it as a statement of how people affect, or influence, one another. The essential picture is this: Two things of the same nature fashion each other in a way that benefits them both. The word “sharpen” is used several times in other passages, referring to swords that are sharpened for increased usefulness.

When we place this principle in the context of a Christian community, our relationships will naturally affect each other, hopefully for the good. Our lives are generally shaped in our daily interaction with others, not just upon hearing great sermons or Bible studies. It’s often the thousands of smaller moments that sharpen us in profound ways.

For example:

• For several years I taught women’s Bible study and college-age Sunday School with a good friend, a gifted teacher and true Bible student whose lessons had strong illustrations, solid content and practical application. When it was my turn to teach, I was determined to continue that trajectory and worked hard to match her standard. She sharpened me.

• I have a friend who is an older woman, a true prayer partner. One day we were discussing a mutual friend who was having family difficulties. She said, “Honey, she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know.” I was puzzled; I had never heard that phrase before. After she explained, I instantly took that saying to heart and determined from that point on I would seek to “know what I don’t know.” I have used that bit of wisdom time and time again. For example, I don’t know the life perspective of a lonely millennial or the desperate fears of a refugee mother. Nor do I know the Black Lives Matter experience; I haven’t lived that story. I need to stop and listen to their stories before making judgments or presumptions. This phrase continues to sharpen me.

• Sometimes sharpening comes from an awkward or negative experience. I once sat at a lovely dinner when one of the guests began to make rude accusations against the person seated directly across the table. The rest of us sat in stunned silence until the diatribe was over. I later asked God to please never ever let me say anything to another person that was as appallingly rude as those comments, not to mention completely unchristian. I will never forget the hurt and embarrassment on the face of the accused. That experience sharpened me in that I want to always be fully aware of how my comments and conversations make others feel.

There is a New Testament counterpart to this proverb, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24). This can’t happen if we aren’t sharing our lives in community with others. And something interesting happens along the way -- as you invest in others by seeking to sharpen them, you discover they have done the same for you.

Sharpened knives increase their usefulness, and sharpened Christians do as well.

The Limits of Friendship: The Status of Modern Friendship Isn’t Good

Job 6:14

The status of modern friendship isn’t good. “It’s precisely because of the atomized, customized nature of our lives that we rely on our friends so very much,” Jennifer Senior wrote in The Atlantic. “We are recruiting them into the roles of people who once simply coexisted with us — parents, aunts and uncles, cousins, fellow parishioners, fellow union members, fellow Rotarians.”

Friendships, however, are in short supply. According to one survey, nearly half of Americans have three or fewer close friends: 12% say they have none.

Senior writes, “One could argue that modern life conspires against friendship, even as it requires the bonds of friendship all the more.”

Complicating this problem is that friendship was never meant to be our only social relationship. People need churches, families, and neighbors, all relationships in steep decline in a culture that prioritizes autonomy over responsibility.

The unique beauty of friendship is, to paraphrase C.S. Lewis, that it’s about something bigger than itself. In fact, all human relationships are. And, Christians who know that have much to offer a world that doesn’t.

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One of Satan’s Biggest Lies When It Comes To Evangelism

Acts 8:27

There’s an unstated theory that a relationship with a person is what leads them to salvation, not the Gospel. A predominant lie Satan has foisted on the church is that you can’t just talk to people about Jesus without first developing a long-term relationship.

Far too many Christians think they can’t share the Gospel until they’ve built a strong friendship with someone over time and have “earned the right to be heard.” They subconsciously have bought Satan’s lie that the power to save is in the strength of their relationship with the person they are seeking to reach.

It’s not.

The power is in the message, not the messenger. This is why the apostle Paul described the Gospel as “the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes ....” (Romans 1:16).

Building a deep relationship with the unreached people we know is important. It creates opportunities to share the Gospel naturally along the way. But many Christians end up waiting and waiting for “just the right time” that never actually comes.

Of course, this doesn’t mean we should be pushy. But we should be intentional with every relationship and every conversation. We should look for that natural opportunity in every conversation to turn it toward spiritual things. This could come by simply asking the question, “Is there anything I can be praying for you about?” or “Do you happen to go to church anywhere?”

I’ve used questions like these to open countless Gospel conversations with friends and strangers alike. Some people start sharing their prayer requests or spiritual background right away. Others don’t. Either way I want to try to take the Gospel conversation as far as it can go without unnecessarily turning that person off.

But it has been my experience that most people are open to talking about God and their spiritual beliefs when approached in genuine kindness, authenticity and humility. Of course, not everyone puts their faith in Jesus on the spot, but my goal is to, at the minimum, nudge them that much closer to faith in Christ.

I remember a speaker once lecturing me at a youth leader event, explaining to me how evangelism didn’t work in the current culture. A crowd gathered as he went on and on, telling me that people weren’t open to hearing about Jesus unless a long-term relationship had first been built and firmly established over time.

While I agreed that we must build relationships with people, I told him it’s weird to bring Jesus up later in the relationship instead of early on. After all, you talk about what you love. And, if we truly love Jesus, we can’t help but talk about Him early on.

I also pushed back on his assertion that you can’t just talk to random strangers that you may encounter in everyday life about Christ.

I pointed to Jesus and the Samaritan woman. Within a minute of meeting her, Jesus had segued the conversation into a spiritual one. In less than five minutes she was on her way back to town to share her testimony with her fellow Samaritans.

As this speaker and I bantered back and forth, a crowd of youth leaders grew. They were all locked into our conversation because they had felt that same tension in their hearts when it came to evangelism.

I finally said, “OK, I have a challenge for you. Let’s you and I go out to the streets of Pittsburgh (where we were) and just talk to people about Jesus for an hour. I’ll do all the talking. You can stand by my side and silently pray for them. We will see how willing people are to talk about Jesus if you’re up for it.”

The youth leaders gathered around us started chanting, “Do it! Do it! Do it!” But this leader was not willing to put his theory to the test.

Far too many are not.

I’ve evangelized friends, family, neighbors and strangers for 45 years. Some I had a relationship with. Others I met on a plane, in a gym or at a restaurant and engaged them in a conversation.

Jesus told us that our primary mission is to “go and make disciples of all nations ....” (Matthew 28:19). This assumes that we take the initiative.

Are you? Are you praying for an opportunity to share the Gospel every single day? Are you seeking to turn your everyday conversations toward Jesus? If not, start today!

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Greg Stier is an evangelist, author and speaker and founder of Dare 2 Share Ministries.

Why Nobody Has Friends Anymore

Job 6:14

Comedian John Mulaney once joked that one of Jesus’ greatest miracles was having twelve close friends in his thirties. Sadly, the modern decline of friendship is real, and anything but a punchline.

The Survey Center on American Life reports that that in 1990, almost 70% of men had five or more close friends. By 2021, just 40% reported having that many. And the number who said they had no close friends quintupled. Women haven’t fared well, either, though their friend groups haven’t shrunk as rapidly.

Part of the challenge is that time together is the oxygen of friendship. Deprive it of that, and friendship tends to die or at least become more distant. And today, perhaps due to a faster pace of life and more “stuff” piled into our schedules, spending time with friends requires more effort and intentionality than in decades past. Research shows that Americans now spend half as much time with their friends (three hours a week) as they did just a decade ago.

Writing at The Atlantic, Olga Khazan described this as a “friendship paradox.”

The typical American, it seems, texts a bunch of people “we should get together!” before watching TikTok alone on the couch and then passing out. That is, Americans have friends. We just never really see them.

And that’s not so different from having no friends.

It would be easy at this point to lecture people to get off their phones and go reconnect with someone over coffee. And to be clear, that’s not a bad idea. But Khazan doesn’t think our loneliness is entirely the fault of lazy or screen-addicted individuals. Instead, she blamed our rapidly growing isolation on the fact that we have so few regular opportunities to meet or spend time with our friends.

Echoing the theme of Robert Putnam’s 24-year-old book, Bowling Alone, Khazan pointed to the collapse of “unions, civic clubs, and religious congregations” as a major reason why people see less of each other. These so-called “third spaces” (distinct from home and work) tend to “regularize contact,” as one researcher told her. Showing up at the same time and place weekly or monthly with a lot of like-minded people makes it much more likely to form and maintain friendships.

That’s why the answer to our friendship famine can’t be, “there’s an app for that!” As Khazan pointed out, digital tech aimed at helping people form friendships has been about as successful as dating apps — which is to say, a big disappointment. This is because such techniques,

put the onus on each individual to initiate and maintain contact. Each person has to send messages and sync up schedules and find the brunch spot that will accommodate everybody’s food allergies. You can’t just show up on a Sunday and find a few hundred of your friends in the same building.

So, what is the solution? Well, the first step will be to reaffirm that friendship is not just a nice thing worth having, like a luxury vehicle or eating out weekly. It is a critical part of human flourishing. C.S. Lewis called it the “most spiritual” of the natural loves, by which he meant that no biological law compels us to make friends. Instead, we make them because we’re not mere animals:

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.

Judging by the damage our epidemic of loneliness has inflicted, including a rise in suicide, Lewis might not have been correct that friendship lacks survival value. It is often precisely the thing that pulls people back from the brink. That value it gives to life is one of the main reasons to take its decline so seriously.

Yet Khazan’s and Putnam’s insights mean we can’t just tell people to make friends. We must create spaces and opportunities where friendships can form and thrive.

I’ve suggested before that providing chances for young people to meet potential spouses is a call the Church should take seriously in today’s connected-but-disconnected world. The same goes for friendships. Youth groups, Christian schools, co-ops, Bible studies, and Christian colleges should emphasize making lifelong friends as one of their purposes.

The same goes for ordinary Christians who can open their homes to make up for the loss of “third spaces.” And when you do, invite not just people from your church, but those with no practicing religion who are, statistically speaking, the loneliest members of society. That kind of regular, low-pressure fellowship may be just the thing your unbelieving neighbors didn’t know they needed.

The bottom line is that Christians are people called to celebrate what’s good and restore what’s broken in the world. Friendship is one of those goods, and its decline has left people broken. Our atomized, distracted age pushes all of us, constantly, toward isolation and self-fixation. We need to be among those pushing in the opposite direction. Having a few close friends shouldn’t be considered miraculous.

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143 Sermon Illustrations on Friendship