148 Sermon Illustrations on Relationships

After breaking up with his girlfriend, Wei-Li Tjong, a young New York attorney, set out to meet someone new. Instead of relying on introductions by friends or his professional contacts, Tjong did what increasing numbers of people his age are doing: He placed an Internet personal ad.

Tjong's experience was chronicled in a recent article in THE NEW YORK TIMES. His personal ad was posted, along with what he admits was a flattering photo, at one of the many Websites devoted to matchmaking.

Within two months, Tjong went out with more than seventy women -- sometimes more than one a night. By his estimate, a third of these had "gone home with him," a euphemism for sex.

Tjong's experience is hardly unique. One online dating site boasts more than 3 million ads. As the first generation of Americans who have grown up with e-mail and the Internet comes of age, those numbers can only go up.

The spread of what the TIMES calls "hyperdating" is, according to Robert Rosenwein of Lehigh University, redefining our ideas about intimacy. Traditional dating was, in Rosenwein's words, "a very long process where you disclose things over time." Hyperdating speeds things up considerably, to say the least.

Rosenwein's assessment is right on the mark, but the ability to do instant couple-matching and mating raises important questions. If the article is correct about the way that technology is shaping people's expectations, then we're trading something very important for the convenience provided by technology.

For starters, notice how many of the girls Tjong hooked up with -- and, yes, sadly that's the right phrase -- had sex with him on their first and only date. Hyperdating may claim to be about relationships, but judging by the facts, it's largely about casual, meaningless sex.

Even more troubling is how unromantic this kind of experience is. In the hyperdating world, people are commodities. It requires strategic planning, a flair for marketing, and cold calculation to stand out in the sea of personal ads.

This is dehumanizing -- self as commodity -- and not that different from the way that we market consumer goods. It has nothing to do with building lasting relationships. And it certainly has nothing to do with intimacy. Hyperdating lacks the patience required to truly know a person.

Because of this, hyperdating is a pale imitation of true romantic love, which, as C. S. Lewis wrote, is a foretaste of the love of God. In THE FOUR LOVES, Lewis wrote that, in romantic love, we place the other person's interest at the center of our being. We love that one special person as we love ourselves.

But to do that requires an investment of ourselves, including our time, and that leaves us vulnerable. But as Lewis put it, "The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" -- or, in this case, the hyperdating scene.

It's not because the desire for companionship is wrong, but because the way in which it is pursued robs it of intimacy -- the very thing that makes companionship and dating desirable in the first place.

For further reading:

C. S. Lewis, THE FOUR LOVES (Harvest Books, December 1971).

Warren St. John, "Young, Single and Dating at Hyperspeed," THE NEW YORK TIMES, 21 April 2002.

_________________________

Copyright © 2002 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. 'BreakPoint with Chuck Colson' is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

Relationship Under Repair

Read: Philemon

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.

--Ephesians 4:32

Are you easy to get along with? Do you have a good relationship with your spouse or your friends? Then you probably aren't guilty of the following behaviors:

criticizing instead of praising

using insensitive words

neglecting others

making jokes at another's expense

not listening

refusing to admit wrong

being rude

belittling others' opinions

These kinds of behavior will wreck relationships and hinder the healing of past hurts.

For a good example of the way to strengthen relationships, read the apostle Paul's short letter to Philemon, a wealthy resident of Colosse. The subject is Onesimus, Philemon's slave, who had stolen from him and fled to Rome. There Onesimus met Paul, who led him to a saving knowledge of Jesus. The letter is Paul's kind, compassionate appeal to Philemon to accept Onesimus back--now as a brother. It's a great example of love in action.

Although Onesimus deserved Philemon's punishment, Paul called him a "son" (v.10) and a "beloved brother" (v.16). He said he would repay what Onesimus had stolen.

Paul knew how to restore a relationship. Do we? --JDB

God of grace and God of goodness,

Teach me to be ever kind,

Always gentle and forgiving

With the Savior first in mind. --Brandt

Forgiveness is the glue that repairs broken relationships.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

• The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.

• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

• A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

======================

From Dynamic Preaching:

Interesting thoughts about marriage (written, I suspect, by a man):

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

_____________________

From: DNATRAIN

(Men and women are different, but there is no relationship on earth more satisfying than a good marriage ... )

THE FIVE LEVELS OF INTIMACY

===========================

THE FIRST LEVEL

Here, a couple simply tries to avoid each other and when they do speak, it is usually shallow conversation or exchanging cliches. They say things like:

“How you doing?”

“I'm fine.”

“Please pass the salt.”

At this level, there is little discussion about life or each other.

THE SECOND LEVEL

Here, the couple is sharing basic facts about themselves or life in general. At this point, there is little risk in starting an argument. They say things like:

“It was sure hot today, wasn't it?”

“Can you believe what the President did today!”

A couple tends to avoid “facts” that could lead to conflict.

THE THIRD LEVEL

Here, the couple is at a greater risk in starting an argument. At this level, they can share their opinions, concerns or expectations.

“You never listen to me.”

“You're wrong and you know it.”

“If I had known how stubborn you are, we wouldn't be married.”

It's at this point that an argument can ensue. If the couple has not learned how to handle arguments at this level, they are at risk for becoming infected with one or all of the four relational “germs.”

THE FOURTH LEVEL

The fourth level is achieved when a couple feels safe to share their deepest feelings and they treat each other's feelings as very valuable. When one mate asks the other about his or her concerns, opinions, or an expectation, the one sharing is open, honest and responsible for his or her own feelings. They say things like:

“Tell me if this is right, you feel afraid for our daughter because she

is getting her driver's license.”

“It's not that you mind me watching TV, it's that you feel cheated that

we don't spend more time together.”

“I could be way off, but I feel sad when my parents don't come by and

see us like they used to.”

There is an atmosphere of honor, that is, the listener is trying to understand and validate what is being communicated. When we share our feelings, it is a person's attempt to express his or her deepest needs. Conflicts usually reveal that a person's feelings and needs are not being understood, validated or fulfilled.

THE FIFTH LEVEL

Level five is different than previous levels because this is where a person feels safe to share his or her own deepest needs. Safety is of the utmost importance. Also, when a mate shares his or her deepest relational needs, there is a feeling that those needs will be understood and valued. They usually say things like:

“See if this is right. You need some alone time at night after work and

it's not that you don't want time with me, it's that you need to

recoup?”

“Are you saying you need more tenderness when we talk? Describe

tenderness. What does it look like to you?”

“Wait a minute, I don't understand. Am I getting this right, you're saying

that we need to be saving more each month? What does that mean to you?”

Since feelings reflect whether a person's needs are being met, a couple can honor each other as they move through the fourth level (feelings) into the fifth level (needs). For example, if a person has a need to be treated with tenderness, one might see expressions of frustration or hurt on the face of the offended person. Honor, at the fifth level of intimacy, would involve asking the offended person to share what is needed. If an environment of safety was established, he or she could express the need for more tenderness. The feelings of hurt, frustration or fear are reflections of a person's deeper need for tenderness.

If you want to move from a superficial to an “ultimate,” deep level of intimacy and a lasting and loving relationship with your mate, Secrets to Lasting Love shares with you three key skills every person must master if they truly desire a close and intimate relationship with their mate. Three skills to change your relationship forever!

Couples in conflict or disharmony typically believe they have a long and tough road ahead of them if they are to turn their relationship into a healthy one. This could not be farther from the truth. These three skills, if applied in your marriage, can immediately turn your relationship around!

First and foremost is HONOR - respecting your spouse for all of his or her individual qualities as well as differences from you; next is COMMUNICATION - speaking to one another in a way that moves conversations and conflict into deeper realms of understanding; and, last, CONSTANT RENEWAL - recharging your spouse emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

These skills are not natural, which is why you need to learn them and apply them to your life. Once these skills are successfully applied to your relationship, you are able to move into the deepest level of intimacy (the fifth level, which is the last of five levels to intimacy.

If you decide to apply these principles, you will find yourself on a path to discovering deepening levels of intimacy. Learning to open up to one another, breaking through communication barriers, strengthening commitment, and being able to reach your spouse's heart and spirit are just a few of the benefits of this research and teaching.

If you want to build a bond that can withstand the inevitable highs and lows of marriage and move them into ever deeper levels of intimacy, the skills of honor, communication, and renewal will inspire you to reach the utmost for your relationship!

*

Actor David Niven once said of his friend Errol Flynn, “You always knew exactly where you stood with him because he always let you down.” The appraisal was not meant as criticism. He was simply accepting Errol for what he was, learning not to expect more than Flynn could offer. He cherished the friendship despite the foibles.

*

[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate in KeruxID 25837-26027]

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, “Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday.” Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

“Jack, did you hear me?”

“Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago,” Jack said.

“Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it,” Mom told him.

“I loved that old house he lived in,” Jack said.

“You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life,” she said.

“He's the one who taught me carpentry,” he said. “I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important... Mom, I'll be there for the funeral,” Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered.

Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture... Jack stopped suddenly.

“What's wrong, Jack?” his Mom asked. “The box is gone,” he said.

“What box?“ Mom asked.

“There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'“ Jack said.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it. “Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him,” Jack said. “I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom.”

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. “Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days,” the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. “Mr. Harold Belser” it read.

Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

“Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life.”

A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved:

Jack, Thanks for your time!

Harold Belser

“The thing he valued most... was... my time.” Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days.

“Why?” Janet, his assistant asked.

“I need some time to spend with my son,” he said.

“Oh, by the way, Janet... thanks for your time!”

*

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Sermon in Family series. Philippians 2:1-4

SIX SECRETS FOR SATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS

========================================

I. How to have a satisfying relationship.

A. Everyone wants at least one.

B. Satisfying relationships don't just happen.

C. Improve your relationships.

II. Six secrets of satisfying relationships:

A. Communication.

B. Consideration. Phil 2:4, 1 Pet 3:7

C. Compromise. Phil 2:2

D. Courtship. Prov 5:18-19, Eccl 9:9

E. Commitment. Mal 2:16

F. Christ. Phil 2:5

III. Satisfying relationships are not accidents.

A. They take hard work.

B. The greatest challenges.

C. The greatest rewards.

[Outline is probably based on a series by Rev. Rick Warren]

"If you talk to your children, you can help them to keep their lives together. If you talk to them skillfully, you can help them to build future dreams." Jim Rohn

***

3. Put a Little Z.I.P.

Hi there, Chris Widener here. Jim has some great stuff this week and I wanted to give you a good way to remember some of the basics of what he talked about with an acronym I have used to keep my mind on three important elements of relationships in my own life. It is the acronym Z.I.P. Here are some thoughts on how to put a little Z.I.P. into your relationships!

Through the years I have spent hundreds of hours working with people in their relationships: Marriages, friendships, working relationships and social relationships. Through it all I have seen some wonderful things and some terrible things. It truly is the good, the bad and the ugly!

But I have been able to find three core elements of successful relationships. These are things that, when done over time, begin to create for you the kinds of relationships that you truly desire. They are the kinds of relationships you have always dreamed of.

The key to remembering these three items is the acronym Z.I.P. Z.I.P. stands for three things you can do - and begin to do immediately - to improve any and all of your relationships. They are:

Put some Zest into your relationships. Cultivate more Intimacy in your relationships. Develop a Purpose in your relationships.

Let's take a closer look at each of these three:

Put some Zest into your relationships.

By Zest, I primarily mean fun. Relationships were meant to be fun! We wouldn't have been made with the capacity to have fun if relationships weren't supposed to have a little zest in them!

Think about it: Don't you usually start out most healthy relationships with a lot of fun times? Whether it is going out to dinner or a ballgame, or spending time playing a game or even just a lively talk, you usually have fun as a major part of the relationship. Fun is some of the glue that bonds the relationship.

However, as life goes on, specifically in a marriage, but potentially in all relationships really, the fun starts to go by the wayside. More and more it is about getting the job done, whatever the job may be.

To restore the relationship, to put a little zip into it, we need to reintroduce the idea of "zest."

What about you? Have you lost the zest? What can you do to get it back? Think of a specific relationship you have: What were the fun things you did at the beginning of the relationship that acted as the glue that bonded you together? Now, commit to doing those again and see if your relationship doesn't begin to soar again! If you can, develop new fun things to do together so you can both start an adventure of fun together!

Cultivate more Intimacy in your relationships.

First a couple of clarifications: One, I don't just mean intimacy in the common term of sexual intimacy. I mean for all intents and purposes, taking your relationship to a deeper level. Second, I don't mean that you have to start doing group hugs with your workmates or having revelation sessions where the tissue flows freely.

What I do mean is that every relationship that is mutually satisfying has a level of depth to it that provides meaning. This is really what the search is for in our relationships -- meaning.

Remember when you first started your relationship, whether with your spouse or friend. All of that time was spent opening up, telling who you are, where you were from, and about your likes and dislikes. There was a deep sense of satisfaction with the relationship - that is why it continued. You liked who they were and you enjoyed being known by them.

But then something happens. We get to a certain level and the pursuit of depth ends. We stop sharing feeling, likes and dislikes. We stop sharing joys and dreams and fears. Instead, we settle into routines. The daily grind takes over and we stop knowing one another and we simply exist together. Now don't get me wrong, every time you get together doesn't have to be deep. Remember, I am the one who advocates in the previous paragraphs just having plain old fun sometimes. But there is a need for regular times of intimate connection where we go deeper with others.

This is particularly hard for many of the male species like myself, but it is not only possible but healthy and needed! If we want to have the kinds of relationships we were made to have, we have to open ourselves up to having others know us and for us to know others.

True meaningful relationships come when we are loved and accepted for whom we are at our core, not simply for acting in such a way in our relationships to keep the other person in it.

Think about the relationships you would like to see improvement in. Take some time in the coming weeks and months to spend time just talking and getting to a deeper level in your relationship. Specifically, let the other person deeper into your world. You can't force the other person to be more intimate and you certainly can't say, "Let's get together and have an intimate conversation," because that would be too contrived. But you can make a decision for yourself that you will let others into your world. Perhaps this will be the catalyst for them doing the same.

You can guard yourself from intimacy, but then you won't go much deeper and you will feel a longing in your heart for more, or you can begin the deepening process and see your relationships change for the better.

Develop a Purpose in your relationships.

The most meaningful relationships we have are those that are held together by a common purpose and vision for what the relationship can accomplish, not only for those involved but also for a greater good.

Let's face it, when people have a common purpose they feel like they are part of a team and they feel bound together in that relationship. Even when people may be disappointed in the people they are in relationship with, if they have a purpose, such as raising children, they are much more likely to stick it out. Purpose creates bonds.

So what happens if we are proactively involved in seeking out a common purpose with those we want a relationship with or those with whom we already have a relationship, but would like to see it go to a deeper level? Well, it gets better and stronger.

Think about your strongest relationships. Aren't they centered around at least one area of purpose or a common goal?

What about a relationship that has cooled? Think back and see if perhaps you used to have a common purpose but it has gone by the wayside.

And what of your desire to see a relationship grow? Take some time to begin to cultivate a common purpose. Sit down with that person and tell them that you would like to have some common goals, some purposes that you can pursue together. As you develop these, you will see your relationship strengthen in ways you never imagined!

Let's recap: You want your relationships to show a little "zip"? Then put a little Z.I.P. in them:

Put some Zest into your relationships. Cultivate more Intimacy in your relationships. Develop a Purpose in your relationships.

Questions for Reflection

Q. What do you think about the distinction between love and like? How can you love everyone, even if you may not like them? Do you feel like you love others? How so?

Q. Are you a person who is characterized by serving others? How? What would others say about you in regard to this question?

Q. How are your communication skills? Do they hurt or hinder your ability to develop and maintain positive relationships? In what area do you need to grow most?

Q. Would you describe yourself as a person of patience? Or do you lose it with people? What things really make you lose your patience? What can you do to change that?

Q. Are you having fun in your relationships? How? What can you do to cultivate more fun?

Action Points

1. Think of a person you interact with regularly who you neither like nor love. Now, this week, make every effort to love that person by treating him or her right and honorably, no matter how they act.

2. Make it a goal to serve one or two people each day selflessly without expecting anything in return. Just do something for them that they would appreciate.

3. Think about one area of your communication skills that needs improvement. Now, each day this week, work on it. If it is listening for example, tell yourself as you go through the day, "Don't speak yet. Listen. Really listen." Only after you have disciplined yourself to grow in this way should you then speak.

4. Think of a relationship that used to be more fun. It may be with a spouse or a friend but you just haven't done anything fun lately. Now, plan something fun for this week and Do It! Get out and enjoy that other person!

** "The greatest gift you can give to somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, 'If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.' Now I say, 'I will take care of me for you if you will take care of you for me'" Jim Rohn

Sermon in family series. Ephesians 5:25

WHAT WOMEN WANT

===============

I. What women really want.

II. Women want Appreciation.

A. In most relationships, women probably contribute the most.

B. Men should be less self-centered.

C. Men should show their wives/girlfriends respect.

III. Women want Attention.

A. Communicate better, listen more.

B. Be positive rather than negative.

C. Be responsible for family duties.

IV. Women want Affection.

A. Affection goes beyond sex.

B. Use the 5 "love languages."

C. The little things can matter the most.

V. Women want a man who is Active in Faith.

A. Most women want a spiritual man.

B. Spiritual men love their women the way Jesus loves us.

[patterned after a sermon by Rev. Rick Warren]

In Today's Christian Woman, Ramona Cramer Tucker writes:

While at a restaurant after lunch, my friend Michelle and her coworker, Sharon, stopped in the restroom to fix their makeup before returning to their jobs. Their small talk turned to the subject of a woman who drove them crazy. Michelle launched into a two-minute diatribe about their coworker Beth. As Michelle prepared to divulge more, a stall door opened. Out walked Beth, red-faced and angry.

Michelle and Beth stared at each other in embarrassed panic. Michelle knew she couldn't take her words back. In the instant their eyes met, Beth fled out the door. That afternoon, Beth didn't return to work. The next day Michelle heard through the grapevine that Beth had resigned. While other staff members cheered what seemed to be good news, Michelle felt miserable. She wished she had talked to Beth instead of talking about Beth.

Although that situation happened five years ago, Michelle's never forgotten it. She tried to reach Beth several times by phone, then wrote her a letter of apology. Beth never responded. Michelle says she learned her lesson about loose lips the hard way. What's worse is that Michelle's a Christian, and Beth, to her knowledge, isn't.

__________

Source: “Loose Lips,” Today's Christian Woman (Nov/Dec 2000)

WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN -- Original List ... (at age 22)

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially Successful

4. A Caring Listener

5. Witty

6. In Good Shape

7. Dresses with Style

8. Appreciates the Finer Things

9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises

10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 32)

1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant

4. Listens more than he talks

5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times

6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal

9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly - bald head OK

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion

4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down

10. Shaves on most weekends

WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting

5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves on some weekends

WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)

5. Forgets why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers when...

WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 72)

1. Breathing

We all need to have people care for us. What is the most terrible thing about being in a nursing home? The feeling that no one cares. If one person visits and shows they are concerned, you can endure any amount of pain.

Nature itself shows us that we need each other. There is a bird in Alaska called the Golden Plover. Every winter it does what any sane person would do - it flies to Hawaii. For this annual trip it flies across open sea. There are no islands along the way and since the Golden Plover cannot swim, it goes the whole way without a single rest stop. This is incredible because the distance is 2,800 miles and takes eighty-eight hours. Just imagine driving your car that long. The bird must beat its wings 250,000 times.

To prepare for the trip the Golden Plover pigs out until fat constitutes one-third of its weight. This is its fuel. Each hour it flies, it consumes one half of one percent of its body weight (which is very efficient - jets consume twenty-four times as much). If a two-hundred-pound person did this they would lose a pound an hour.

After flying seventy-two hours a Golden Plover should have consumed all its fat, but this would leave it over five hundred miles from Hawaii. We would expect it to poop out and crash into the sea, but it doesn't. The reason is that God gave them companions. By flying in a V-formation instead of by themselves the birds save twenty-three percent of their energy. The leader breaks up the turbulent air, making it easier for those who follow. When the leader gets tired he drops to the back of the line and another takes over. In this way they not only make it to Hawaii, they also have a small supply of fat left to help them in case the wind is against them.

Jesus used birds to make spiritual applications. In Matthew 6:26 he says:

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store

away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you

not much more valuable than they?"

If Jesus had considered the Golden Plover I think he would have pointed out their dependence on each other. People need other people. We can help each other go the distance.

The importance of helping members develop friendships within your church cannot be overemphasized. Relationships are the glue that holds a church together. Friendships are the key to retaining members.

A friend once told me of a survey he took in a church. When he asked, “Why did you join this church?” 93 percent of the members said, “I joined because of the pastor.”

When he then asked, “What if the pastor leaves? Will you leave?” 93 percent said no. When he asked why they wouldn't leave, the response was, “because I have friends here!”

Do you notice the shift in allegiance? This is normal and healthy.

Lyle Schaller has done extensive research that shows the more friendships a person has in a congregation, the less likely he is to become inactive or leave. In contrast, I once read about a survey of four hundred church drop-outs who were asked why they left their churches. Over 75 percent of the respondents said, “I didn't feel anyone cared whether I was there or not.”

It is a myth that you must know everyone in the church in order to feel like a part of a church. The average church member knows 67 people in the congregation, whether the church has 200 or 2,000 attending. A member does not have to know everyone in the church in order to feel like it's “my church,” but he does have to know some people.

While some relationships will spontaneously develop by chance, the friendship factor in assimilation is too crucial to leave to chance. You can't just hope members will make friends in the church. You must encourage it, plan for it, structure for it and facilitate it.

• Think relationally.

Create as many opportunities as you can for people to meet and get to know each other. Members can walk in and out of church for a year and still never really develop any friendships.

Try to include some kind of relational activity in every congregation meeting. It may be as simple as saying, “Turn around and introduce yourself to one person and find out something interesting about them.”

Since most people have a hard time remembering names, especially in a larger church, use nametags as often as you can. Nothing is more embarrassing than not knowing the name of someone you've seen at church for years.

Although we've used all kinds of events to build relationships within our church family (supper clubs, sports, game nights, picnics, etc.), by far the most effective tool for cultivating new friendships has been our use of weekend retreats.

Consider this: The amount of time a person spends with other members at a single 48-hour retreat is greater than what they will spend together in Sunday over a year. If you're a church planter and you want to develop relationships quickly in your church, take everybody on a retreat.

• Encourage every member to join a small group.

Another effective tool for building relationships is small groups. Not only do they help people connect with one another, they also allow your church to maintain a “small church” feeling of fellowship as it grows. Small groups can provide the personal care and attention every member deserves no matter how big the church becomes.

Develop a network of small groups, built around different purposes, interests, age groups, geography, etc. To be honest, it really doesn't matter what rationale you use to start new groups. Just keep starting them!

It's unlikely that very many new members will join existing small groups. New members assimilate best into new groups. You can even start new groups right out of your membership class. New members have their “newness” in common.

One of the sayings I repeat over and over to our staff and lay leaders is, “Our church must always be growing larger and smaller at the same time.” By that I mean there must be a balance between the large group celebration and the small group cells. Both are important to the health of a church.

The large group celebrations give people the feeling that they're a part of something significant. Large group meetings are impressive to unbelievers and encouraging to your members.

But you can't share personal prayer requests in a crowd.

Small affinity groups, on the other hand, are perfect for creating a sense of intimacy and close fellowship. It's there that everybody knows your name. When you're absent, people notice. You're missed if you don't show up.

Because Saddleback existed for 15 years without owning a building we've had a heavy reliance on small groups for our adult education and fellowship. Using homes allowed us to expand numerically and geographically without investing any money in buildings. Even though we now own a 120-acre campus, we will continue to use homes for our small group meetings.

In addition to being biblical, there are four benefits of using homes: they are infinitely expandable (homes are everywhere); they are unlimited geographically (you can minister to a wider area); it's good stewardship, releasing more money for ministry (you use buildings that other people pay for!); and it facilitates closer relationships (people are more relaxed in a home setting).

• Small groups work!

The larger your church grows, the more important small groups become for handling the pastoral care functions. They provide the personal touch that everyone needs, especially in a crisis. At Saddleback we say the whole church is like a cruise ship and the small groups are the lifeboats.

I don't have the space to give a detailed explanation of our small group strategy and structure. Let me just say this: Small groups are the most effective way of closing the back door of your church. We never worry about losing people who are connected to a small group. We know they've built relationships which truly make them a part of the body.

*

Family members often quarrel because they misunderstand the source of their anger and fail to see the idolatry of their own hearts, noted author and teacher Paul David Tripp said at a conference.

Tripp said that all fallen men have a common knee-jerk reaction to conflict -- blaming it on the other person. The conference theme was “The Gospel and the Family.”

“We instinctively look [outwardly] to try and explain our anger,” he said. “We say, 'It's my husband, it's my wife, it's my boss, it's my neighbor, it's the traffic.’ But [the Apostle] James says [that is] heresy.... It is something we should not accept because that conflict is a window into something that is going on in our hearts that is dramatically spiritually important.

“You will only understand your anger by looking inward. Your anger is not caused by people and situations around us. They are the occasion in which your heart expresses and reveals itself in anger. Your anger is caused by your heart. How humbling is that?”

Reflecting on James 4, which he called “the Bible's comprehensive treatise on conflict and anger,” Tripp said the passage offers both the diagnosis -- the source of conflict is our “pleasures that wage war within” us -- and the antidote: the abundant grace of God.

Many Christian marriages, relationships and even churches have had divisions for years and will never be healed until they realize that idolatry in the heart of the combatants is the primary cause, he said.

Tripp traced the pilgrim's regress through several stages.

First, the winds of war begin to blow lightly -- and usually unnoticeably -- in a person when their desire for something trumps their desire for Christ, Tripp said. From there, the desire becomes a demand -- something a person must have. Then the person begins to view it as a need -- as something essential to their joy and happiness.

These desires subtly constrict to take the heart captive, Tripp said. Such desires can include things such as success, self-affirmation, a desire to be respected, and an endless list of other things, Tripp said.

“Literally anything can war for our hearts and lay claim to the position that only God can have and should have,” Tripp said. “The catalog is endless. There is for us, this side of heaven, an endless catalog of God-replacements.”

Once a desire becomes a need, it begins to manifest itself within our relationships and the skirmishes play out in everyday, mundane activities, Tripp said. Here, a person will lash out and even attempt to punish anyone within a close relationship who fails to affirm the desire that now rules their hearts, he said.

As an illustration Tripp spoke of a father who virulently demands respect from his son by confronting the son and even disciplining him until he gives the desired respect. A desire for respect -- itself not an ungodly desire -- has replaced Christ as the supreme desire in the man, Tripp said. Though the man is blaming the son's lack of respect for their constant grousing, the man's idolatrous heart is actually the source of the conflict.

“This is more revealing of the heart of the father than the son,” Tripp said. “Desire is not a bad thing, but desire for even a good thing becomes a bad thing when that desire becomes a ruling thing because I must not be ruled by anything but King Christ.”

This internal war is common to all people and is the very definition of biblical spiritual warfare, he said.

“This is what the Bible means when it speaks of spiritual warfare,” Tripp said. “The war is for what set of desires will exercise sovereignty over my heart, what desires will rule me. Romans 1:25 helps us here. We tend to exchange worship and service of the Creator for worship and service of the creation.

“This is the war: Will my life be structured and motivated and oriented by a desire of God and a pursuit of His glory, finding identity, meaning and purpose in Him? Or will my life be oriented to some desire for some created thing?

“It could be possessions, it could be position, it could be affirmation. It could be anything. There's always this tug and tarrying.... When the love that I have promised to Christ is now being given to some aspect of creation, I will somehow, somewhere be in conflict with the people around me.”

Bickering between parents and children is sometimes a manifestation of this struggle, he said.

“If a desire for a certain thing is in possession of my heart I can only look at you in one of two ways: If you are helping me get what I want, I love you and I thank God for you that you are in my life,” Tripp said, “but if you stand in the way of what I want, I am spontaneously irritated and angry and I lash out in my anger.”

“Parents, at 9 o'clock at night you are not yelling at your children because they are sinners. You are yelling at your children because, in their sin, they are stepping on your idols. ... That is your heart being ruled by your desire for comfort and you can't believe that these children can make life so uncomfortable for you.”

Tripp pointed out that the victory over the idols of believers' hearts has already been won at the cross. The cure is found in the Gospel itself, he said. Once a person realizes they have been crucified with Christ, they will live to the glory of God as servants and not as idolaters whose hearts are bowing to another king, he said.

And once these idols have been thrown down, the Christian will no longer selfishly wage war with family members or fellow believers because their own law of self-love has been properly replaced by God's law, which will express itself in love for God and love for neighbor, he said. This “great exchange” can take place, Tripp said, because God has given the believer abundant grace in the union with Christ.

“You do not have to go where your desires are leading you,” he said. “Because of the life, death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ that you are identified with, you don't have to defeat the idol.

“You just need to start living the Gospel and step forth in faith and courage. Don't give way to that anger. Don't give way to that irritation. Begin to address those desires that lie under it and watch your Redeemer renew and sanctify. Isn't it wonderful that the promise of the New Covenant is a new heart -- maybe we should say a new and being renewed heart?”

*

What would be worse than spending your honeymoon in a tent? How about sharing the tent with other people, including your ex-boyfriend. That's what happened to Oregon-bound pioneer Narcissa Whitman.

Narcissa Whitman and her husband, Marcus, were the first family to travel to Oregon in a covered wagon. Their epic trip was an important event in American history, but the first few months of their marriage were certainly quite strange.

Marcus, a Presbyterian missionary, first met the devout Narcissa in New York in 1835. After knowing each other only a couple of days, they decided to marry. Soon they were headed west -- sent by the Presbyterian church to minister to the Native Americans in Oregon Country.

But the Whitmans did not travel alone. They were accompanied by another missionary couple, Henry and Eliza Spaulding. Henry had proposed earlier to Narcissa, but she had turned him down flat.

Despite the awkward situation, the four pioneers seemed to get along fairly well, although the Spauldings and Whitmans did split up when they arrived in Oregon Country.

Today, in a remote section of Wyoming, there still stands a stone monument commemorating Narcissa and Eliza as the first white women to travel across the Rockies. The monument doesn't mention whether their husbands got along.

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http://www.nps.gov/whmi/history/narcbio.htm

Submitted by Lorraine

Set me free from my prison, that I may praise Your name. – Psalm 142:7

Breakups leave gaping holes. One day your life is filled with companionship and dreams and long talks. The next day you feel alone, as if everything has been taken away from you.

Compounding your pain is the realization that you are missing the special person with whom you always talk things through. It’s the very reason you now feel alone. Losing that one makes you feel twice as empty.

So you decide to talk to God about it. What does He say? “I don’t have time for your romantic problems. My world is filled with war, young parents dying of cancer, and spiritual battles. I’m too busy!”

No. We know He doesn’t say that. Well, we think we know it. Why then are we so reluctant to bring our real, painful feelings straight to God? Here are some facts about Him to keep in mind:

1. He has the time. If a thousand years are like a day to God (2 Peter 3:8), you can be sure that He has plenty of time to listen to you.

2. Nothing is unimportant to Him. If God pays attention to even the smallest birds (Luke 12:6-7), you can know that your problems have His concern.

3. God allows hurts. If God knows all our thoughts (Psalm 139:4), He also knows how much we hurt. And He never unjustly equates our pain with sin.

Our heartbreaks, in fact, may be quite precious in God’s sight. The times we hurt most are also the times we are most likely to seek comfort from our heavenly Father. And God loves being a father to His children.

Have you suffered a big breakup recently? Is there a huge hole in your life? Right now you have a chance to experience God’s comfort in a way that others are not privileged to share.

Take full advantage of this time. Before you focus on your next relationship, or your last one, think about the most important one you have right now — with God. It will fill a few holes. — JC

REFLECTION

• What is the worst breakup I’ve experienced? How did I feel?

• How can my relationship with God fill the holes in my life?

• God fills our emptiness.

Lord, You know when I hurt — those times I feel so empty.

Fill me with Your Spirit and Your presence and Your comfort.

Fill the gaps in my life.

Happiness is contagious, spreading among friends, neighbors, siblings and spouses like the flu, according to a large study that for the first time shows how emotion can ripple through clusters of people who may not even know each other.

The study of more than 4,700 people who were followed over 20 years found that people who are happy or become happy boost the chances that someone they know will be happy. The power of happiness, moreover, can span another degree of separation, elevating the mood of that person’s husband, wife, brother, sister, friend or next-door neighbor.

“You would think that your emotional state would depend on your own choices and actions and experience,” said Nicholas A. Christakis, a medical sociologist at Harvard University who helped conduct the study published online today by BMJ, a British medical journal. “But it also depends on the choices and actions and experiences of other people, including people to whom you are not directly connected. Happiness is contagious.”

One person’s happiness can affect another’s for as much as a year, the researchers found, and while unhappiness can also spread from person to person, the “infectiousness” of that emotion appears to be far weaker.

Previous studies have documented the common experience that one person’s emotions can influence another’s -- laughter can trigger guffaws in others; seeing someone smile can momentarily lift one’s spirits. But the new study is the first to find that happiness can spread across groups for an extended period.

When one person in the network became happy, the chances that a friend, sibling, spouse or next-door neighbor would become happy increased between 8 percent and 34 percent, the researchers found. The effect continued through three degrees of separation, although it dropped progressively from about 15 percent to 10 percent to about 6 percent before disappearing.

The research follows previous work by Christakis and co-author James H. Fowler that found that obesity also appears to spread from person to person, as does the likelihood of quitting smoking. The researchers have been using detailed records originally collected by the Framingham Heart Study, a long-running project that has explored a host of health issues, to construct and analyze detailed maps of social networks.

The findings, Christakis and others said, provide striking new evidence of the power of social networks, which could have implications for public policy. Happy people tend to be better off in myriad ways, being more creative, productive and healthier.

“For a long time, we measured the health of a country by looking at its gross domestic product,” said Fowler, a political scientist at the University of California at San Diego who co-authored the study. “But our work shows that whether a friend’s friend is happy has more influence than a $5,000 raise. So at a time when we’re facing such economic difficulties, the message could be, ‘Hang in there. You still have your friends and family, and these are the people to rely on to be happy.’ “

Other experts praised the study as a landmark in the growing body of evidence documenting the influence of personal connections and the importance of positive emotions.

“It’s a pathfinding article,” said Martin E.P. Seligman, a University of Pennsylvania psychologist. “It’s totally original, and the findings are striking.”

Stanley Wasserman, who studies social networks at Indiana University, said: “We’ve known that one’s network ties are important, but we’ve never looked at anything on this scale. The implications are you can’t look at individuals as little entities devoid of their social context.”

Others, however, questioned the findings, noting that it is difficult to account for every variable that might affect the outcomes of such studies.

“Researchers should be cautious in attributing correlations in health outcomes of close friends in social network effects,” wrote Ethan Cohen-Cole of the Federal Reserve Bank of Boston and Jason M. Fletcher of Yale University in an accompanying study. Their research used data from a large federal survey to show that acne, headaches and even height could appear to spread through social networks if not analyzed properly. “The methods of detecting ‘social network effects’ of health outcomes commonly found in the recent medical literature might produce effects where none exists.”

But Christakis said his analysis took other possible explanations into consideration.

Ed Diener, a psychologist at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, said the findings could explain why people in some countries tend to be happier than others. “This is an extremely exciting study -- interesting, provocative and important,” Diener said.

While obesity appeared to spread even among people who lived far apart, happiness appears to be transmitted only among people who live within a mile of one another. The influence was also greatest among people who considered themselves mutual friends.

Because the researchers did not find the effect for people living on the same block beyond a next-door neighbor, they were confident that the positive mood was not the result of living in the same good neighborhood. Because people tended to get happier if someone they knew became happy, the researchers could rule out the alternative explanation that happy people tend to be drawn to each other.

“We know it’s not a ‘birds of a feather flock together’ effect,” Christakis said.

Surprisingly, happiness had no such effect at work. The researchers speculated that work relationships may have different dynamics. One worker might become happy because he or she got a raise or a promotion at the expense of another, for example.

Unhappiness also appeared to be catching, but not as strongly: An unhappy connection increased the chances of being unhappy by about 7 percent on average, while a happy connection increased the chances of being happy by about 9 percent. While having more friends is important for a person’s happiness, the benefit of having more friends appears to be canceled out if they are unhappy, the researchers found.

The researchers and others speculated that the emotion may be important on an evolutionary level by helping people cooperate. Seligman likened happiness to an orchestra tuning up.

“Laughter and singing and smiling tune the group emotionally,” Seligman said. “They get them on the same wavelength so they can work together more effectively as group.”

Since 1938, the Harvard Study of Adult Development has followed two groups of men. One is a group of 456 boys from Boston’s most troubled families and roughest neighborhoods. The other consisted of 268 Harvard College students, chosen by a professor of hygiene specifically for their potential to become healthy, well-adjusted adults. The focus of the longitudinal study has been to discern the factors that best predict a long, healthy life.

The researchers who have followed these young men have maintained a stunning 84% participation rate over eight decades. They have visited homes, spoken to parents and siblings, tracked medical exams, and followed marriages and careers. The study, which is currently tracking a second generation of participants, has produced a wealth of significant data. However, in a recent article published in The Wall Street Journal, director Dr. Robert Waldinger and associate director Dr. Marc Schulz pointed to the most significant contributing factor for physical health, mental health, and longevity.

[C]lose personal connections are significant enough that if we had to take all 85 years of the Harvard Study and boil it down to a single principle for living, one life investment that is supported by similar findings across a variety of other studies, it would be this: Good relationships keep us healthier and happier. Period. If you want to make one decision to ensure your own health and happiness, it should be to cultivate warm relationships of all kinds.

In fact, the importance of relationships for long-term health increased as the participants aged. Especially for older people, Waldinger and Schulz continued, “loneliness is twice as unhealthy as obesity, and chronic loneliness increases a person’s odds of death in any given year by 26%.” (The pandemic lockdowns produced more than a few anecdotes that support these findings. For example, in the fall of 2020, nursing home residents in Greeley, Colorado, staged protests against lockdown policies, with some holding signs that read, “I’d rather die of COVID than loneliness.”)

Modern life strains our most important relationships in key ways, especially family relationships. According to Pew Research, nearly 4 in 10 adults ages 25-54 are neither married nor living with a partner, and the average age of marrying keeps climbing. Also, the U.S. is the world leader in single-parent households, with nearly 1 in 4 American children living with one parent and no other adults.

Given this data, compounded by the average seven hours a day Americans spend looking at screens, is it any wonder that around 58% of adults, including 79% of those aged 18-24, report feeling lonely?

In fact, these trends are shaping expectations. According to a Pew study this year, 98% of parents said it is extremely or somewhat important for their children to reach financial independence and hold a job they enjoy, but only 21% said it is extremely or very important that their kids be married. And only 20% said it’s extremely or very important for their kids to have children.

Given the mountains of evidence that point to the long-term value of marriage for both individuals and society, this is more than an unfortunate development. It’s a denial of reality. Because humans are made in the image of the God who is Trinity, relationships are as much a part of our created design, as eating, sleeping, working, and breathing.

In his masterful essay “The Weight of Glory,” C.S. Lewis argued that this relational aspect of our humanity had eternal implications:

It may be possible for each to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbor. The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbor’s glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilization — these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit — immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.

As it turns out, staying married, raising kids, investing in church, and maintaining lifelong friendships could be the most significant thing we do for ourselves and for others, for today and for eternity.

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Copyright (c) 2023 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

New York Times columnist David Brooks made waves recently with an essay published in the Atlantic. Brooks’ point is simple: What we call “the nuclear family,” a mother, a father, and their 2.5 children, often in a suburban home with a single income, is an invention of the 20th century. It’s not what the family looked like for most of history.

Instead, writes Brooks, humans have typically existed in multi-generational networks of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins supporting one another. The “extended family,” he argues, is the natural family.

The key here is context. Brooks admits the nuclear family has always existed, but without an extended circle of relatives, he thinks it’s unstable. History seems to back him up. The 1950s, he writes, were the “high water mark” of the nuclear family. But as the 50s economy and mass unionization became things of the past, nuclear families fragmented into ever smaller forms, with single-parent homes now being the most common.

Among the important points made by Brooks is that, certainly by the time American culture had absorbed the full impact of the sexual revolution, the American family had already been substantially transformed by industrialization and other forces of modernity, not least of which is the widespread separation of work from home.

Unfortunately, the title of Brooks’ essay is, well, terrible. To lead with “The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake” muddies the waters. Even muddier is Brooks’ suggestion that alternative forms of kinship, which he calls “chosen families,” are legitimate replacements for the nuclear family, with the only criteria for their success being that they are chosen.

And so, he praises networks of shared parenting in such places as African-American neighborhoods with low rates of fatherhood, same-sex and polyamorous arrangements in LGBTQ communities, and even groups of friends living together to support one another.

What Brooks misses is that all of these things are attempts to mitigate the situations caused when families break. They are not replacements. As noble as some of these attempts are, the outcomes for those involved in “chosen families,” especially outcomes related to the long-term health and well-being of children, are consistently worse than they are for those in nuclear families.

Critiquing Brooks’ essay at The Bulwark, Mona Charen reminds us that family, including extended families, are still built on marriage. A family is more than a mere social construct. It cannot be whatever we want it to be. It’s founded, she writes, on human nature and biology, including “the unique bond that ties parents and children.”

In a symposium at the Institute for Family Studies, others point out that the “chosen families” Brooks praises are often less stable than even the isolated nuclear family that he’s critiquing. In particular, the statistics on abuse and neglect in these contexts is alarming.

Where Brooks is right is that a mom, a dad, and a couple of kids are not the family most people throughout history have known, and that the forces of modernity have isolated the “nuclear” family arrangement away from extended families and other social networks that were once normal and that can support them. Another way to say this is marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and other extended family members are really helpful. Their presence was far more common in the past than it is now.

Andrew Walker’s response to Brooks’ essay makes the very important point that what Brooks is looking for in so-called “chosen families,” already exists in another institution that’s been around for a couple thousand years: the local church. Jesus didn’t start the Church to replace biological families, and what other social institution offers the love, support, and community that can help hold a household together? The reality to which Brooks points is a marvelous opportunity for the church to be the agent of restoration Christ has saved it to be.

Still, Brooks is wrong to suggest that love can dispense with biology. The natural family is built around the biological realities of male and female and procreation, and it’s therefore as irreplaceable as gravity. As books like Mary Eberstadt’s “Primal Screams” clearly document, the last several decades of ignoring this design has brought devastating consequences.

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Resources

"The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake," by David Brooks, The Atlantic, March 2020 Issue.

"Don’t Nuke the Nuclear Family: A Reply to David Brooks," by Mona Charen, The Bulwark, February 18, 2020.

“What Would You Say?” Video: Doesn’t Love Make a Family? .

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Copyright (c) 2020 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

Matthew Henry wrote:

The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam;

not made out of his head to rule over him,

nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him,

but out of his side to be equal with him,

under his arm to be protected,

and near his heart to be beloved.

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Matthew Henry, Matthew Henry’s Commentary on the Whole Bible, Volume I (Genesis to Deuteronomy), Notes on Genesis 3:21–25.

Another version:

The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam;

not made out of his head to rule over him,

nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him,

but out of his side to be equal with him,

under his arm to be protected by him,

and near his heart to be loved by him.

"Six degrees of separation" isn't just pop culture. It's based on a study by Stanley Milgram, a Yale psychologist, who wrote that any two individuals are linked by an average of six acquaintances. Only Milgram's unpublished data shows nine degrees of separation between 30 percent of not-so-random people, says Judith Kleinfeld, a University of Alaska professor. According to the Chronicle of Higher Education:

Mr. Milgram's experiment -- commonly referred to as the "small-world method" -- entailed randomly selecting people to send a folder to a target person unknown to them in a distant location by first mailing it to someone they thought might know the target. The process was then repeated until the target received the folder. According to Ms. Kleinfeld's research, the selection process was anything but random, drawing participants through advertisements and purchased mailing lists, a practice that she asserts would cull mostly high-income and highly connected people.

Even under conditions as favorable to the theory as these, Ms. Kleinfeld reports that on average only 30 percent of the folders in Mr. Milgram's experiments -- and in most replications of the small-world method -- ever reached their target, and then through an average of eight people (or nine degrees of separation).

Kleinfeld's findings will appear in the next issue of Psychology Today, which published Milgram's six degrees article in 1967.

He rested the theory entirely on the instance of one folder that made it from a Kansas wheat farmer to its target, the Boston wife of a divinity student, in four days and through only two intermediate links.

Kleinfeld says we believe in six degrees, despite scanty evidence, because we want to. It feels safer to feel connected.

Surrendering to the rat race leads to loneliness. In Ecclesiastes 4:8 Solomon says driven people end up all by themselves. Back in 1985, Charles Swindoll encountered a 47-year-old guy who experienced this.

The man had a high-pressure job and was very successful. He worked six-and-a-half days a week and was on his way to working seven days a week. In his own words, he was a classic, driven workaholic.

But in the process of getting ahead he had lost his relationship with his wife and kids. The guy said they were like strangers living under the same roof. His son would no longer speak to him. His younger daughter told him bluntly, “I don’t like being with you anymore.” His wife was afraid of him.

This is a man who was earning six figures 30 years ago. He had a country club membership, a luxurious car provided free by his company, and a private jet. Yet he had recently been caught embezzling over $15,000 from the corporation. They didn’t put him in jail, but they made him pay it all back and then promptly fired him.

He had lost his job, lost his reputation, lost the one thing that gave him identity, and his family was happier when he wasn’t around. His pitiful question to Swindoll was, “How do I go back and do it over?” Tears were streaming down his face.

You can’t do your life over. But you can go in a new direction from this point on. The secret is to grab your job with one hand, and leave your other hand free for the rest of your life (Ecclesiastes 4:6). This is the way to peace and tranquillity.

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Adapted from "Living On the Ragged Edge," p. 119.

The status of modern friendship isn’t good. “It’s precisely because of the atomized, customized nature of our lives that we rely on our friends so very much,” Jennifer Senior wrote in The Atlantic. “We are recruiting them into the roles of people who once simply coexisted with us — parents, aunts and uncles, cousins, fellow parishioners, fellow union members, fellow Rotarians.”

Friendships, however, are in short supply. According to one survey, nearly half of Americans have three or fewer close friends: 12% say they have none.

Senior writes, “One could argue that modern life conspires against friendship, even as it requires the bonds of friendship all the more.”

Complicating this problem is that friendship was never meant to be our only social relationship. People need churches, families, and neighbors, all relationships in steep decline in a culture that prioritizes autonomy over responsibility.

The unique beauty of friendship is, to paraphrase C.S. Lewis, that it’s about something bigger than itself. In fact, all human relationships are. And, Christians who know that have much to offer a world that doesn’t.

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Copyright (c) 2022 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.