130 Sermon Illustrations on Divorce

Wife of Dr. Benjamin Spock tells how they drifted apart over the years and were finally separated. He then married a girl much younger than he was, perhaps to reassure himself that he was still desirable to women.

Patti Chiles awarded $500,000 in emotional damage in divorce case against husband Jerry, 44, an oil millionaire in Houston. She walked in while he was having sex with secretary. He brought prostitutes to the home. She called it emotional terrorism. She made tape recordings of his prostitutes. He claims she set him up. Total award was $1.4 million. Was first time a husband or wife had won civil damages for pain endured during a marriage.

#183

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Nan Berman set up business in Newton, Massachusetts, called "Enough is Enough." Billed as "creative revenge for today's world." Mailed a three-foot dead bluefish to a philandering husband in California and delivered a burned and messy suit to a lawyer who implied his girlfriend was "unsuitable" for him. More common are 13 dead roses, sent in a beribboned black box for $25. She has invested $30,000 in venture. She bought a cactus to deliver to an insufferable boor with the sign "Sit on it."

Children have a difficult time getting over divorce, much more so than most people want to admit. Families are linked by what the Bible calls "flesh". Severed limbs can still hurt.

Marriage is good for health, wealth and happiness, according to a panel of social scientists.

The team of family scholars collaborated to survey a vast body of research on marriage and family issues. It is summarized in a document titled "Why Marriage Matters."

The project was sponsored by the Center of the American Experiment, the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, and the Institute for American Values. Lead researchers included Norval Glenn of the University of Texas, Steven Nock of the University of Virginia and Linda Waite of the University of Chicago.

"Marriage is more than a private emotional relationship. It is also a social good," the researchers note. "Not every person can or should marry. And not every child raised outside of marriage is damaged as a result. But communities where good-enough marriages are common have better outcomes for children, women and men than do communities suffering from high rates of divorce, unmarried childbearing and high-conflict or violent marriages."

From two decades of research, the authors culled 21 key points. Among them:

• Marriage increases the likelihood that fathers have good relationships with their children.

"Mothers as well as fathers are affected by the absence of marriage," the study states. "Single mothers on average report more conflict with and less monitoring of their children than do married mothers. ... But children's relationships with their fathers are at even greater risk. Sixty-five percent of young adults whose parents divorced had poor relationships with their fathers (compared to 29 percent from non-divorced families)."

• Cohabitation is not the functional equivalent of marriage.

"As a group, cohabitors in the United States more closely resemble singles than married people," the report explains. "Children with cohabiting parents have outcomes more similar to the children living with single (or remarried) parents than children from intact marriages. ... Couples who live together also, on average, report relationships of lower quality than do married couples -- with cohabitors reporting more conflict, more violence and lower levels of satisfaction and commitment."

• Growing up outside an intact marriage increases the likelihood that children will themselves divorce or become unwed parents.

On this point, the researchers cite a litany of warnings: "Children whose parents divorce or fail to marry are more likely to become young unwed parents, to divorce themselves and to have unhappy marriages and/or relationships. Daughters raised outside of intact marriages are approximately three times more likely to end up young, unwed mothers than are children whose parents married and stayed married. Parental divorce approximately doubles the odds that adult children will also divorce."

• Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase poverty for both children and mothers.

"The effects of family structure on poverty remain powerful, even after controlling for race and family background," the report summarizes. "Changes in family structure are an important cause of new entries into poverty ... . Child poverty rates are very high primarily because of the growth of single-parent families. When parents fail to marry and stay married, children are more likely to experience deep and persistent poverty, even after controlling for race and family background."

• Married couples seem to build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples.

"The economic advantages of marriage stem from more than just access to two incomes," the researchers explain. "Marriage partners appear to build more wealth for some of the same reasons that partnerships in general are economically efficient, including economies of scale and specialization and exchange."

• Married men earn more money than do single men with similar education and job histories.

"A large body of research, both in the United States and other developed countries, finds that married men earn between 10 and 40 percent more than do single men with similar education and job histories. ... The causes are not entirely understood, but married men appear to have greater work commitment, lower quit rates, and healthier and more stable personal routines (including sleep, diet and alcohol consumption)."

• Parental divorce (or failure to marry) appears to increase children's risk of school failure.

"Children of divorced or unwed parents have lower grades and other measures of academic achievement, are more likely to be held back and are more likely to drop out of high school," the study notes. "Children whose parents divorce end up with significantly lower levels of education than do children in single-mother families created by the death of the father. Children whose parents remarry do no better, on average, than do children who live with single mothers."

• Children who live with their own two married parents enjoy better physical health, on average, than do children in other family forms.

"Longitudinal research suggests that parental divorce increases the incidence of health problems in children," the study explains. "The health advantages of married homes remain, even after taking socioeconomic status into account. The health disadvantages associated with being raised outside of intact marriages persist long into adulthood."

• Marriage is associated with reduced rates of alcohol and substance abuse for both adults and teens.

"Young adults who marry tend to reduce their rates of alcohol consumption and illegal drug use. Children whose parents marry and stay married also have lower rates of substance abuse, even after controlling for family background."

• Married people, especially married men, have longer life expectancies than do otherwise similar singles.

"In most developed countries, middle-aged single, divorced, or widowed men are about twice as likely to die as married men, and non-married women face risks about one and a half times as great as those faced by married women."

• Marriage is associated with better health and lower rates of injury, illness and disability for both men and women.

"Married people appear to manage illness better, monitor each other's health, have higher incomes and wealth and adopt healthier lifestyles than do otherwise similar singles," the researchers explain.

• Children whose parents divorce have higher rates of psychological distress and mental illness.

"Divorce typically causes children considerable emotional distress and increases the risk of serious mental illness," the study details. "These mental health risks do not dissipate soon after the divorce. Instead, children of divorce remain at higher risk for depression and other mental illness, in part because of reduced education attainment, increased risk of divorce, marital problems and economic hardship."

• Divorce appears significantly to increase the risk of suicide.

"Divorced men and women are more than twice as likely as their married counterparts to attempt suicide. ... In the last half-century, suicide rates among teens and young adults have tripled. The single 'most important explanatory variable,' according to one new study, 'is the increased share of youths living in homes with a divorced parent.'"

• Boys raised in single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behavior.

"Teens in one-parent families are on average less attached to their parents' opinions and more attached to their peer groups. Combined with lower levels of parental supervision, these attitudes appear to set the stage for delinquent behavior," the researchers report, adding boys raised in single-parent homes are about twice as likely as other boys to be incarcerated by their early 30s.

• Married women appear to have a lower risk of experiencing domestic violence than do cohabiting or dating women.

"While young women must recognize that marriage is not a good strategy for reforming violent men, a large body of research shows that being unmarried, and especially living with a man outside of marriage, is associated with an increased risk of domestic abuse," the study explains. "Overall, as one scholar sums up the relevant research, 'Regardless of methodology, the studies yielded similar results: Cohabitors engage in more violence than do spouses.'"

• A child who is not living with his or her own two married parents is at greater risk of child abuse.

"Children living with single mothers, stepfathers or mother's boyfriends are more likely to become victims of child abuse. Children living in single-mother homes have increased rates of death from intentional injuries. As Martin Daly and Margo Wilson report, 'Living with a stepparent has turned out to be the most powerful predictor of severe child abuse yet.'"

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Studies have shown that children suffer greatly in a divorce, and that the effects last a long time.

Problems for children of divorce are:

1. Low self-esteem.

2. Difficulty in forming relationships.

3. Underachievement.

Some react differently, and all can be helped to overcome the negative results. Emotional support for single parents and chldren is important.

Pressure situations and their corresponding life-change units:

1. Death of spouse 100

2. Divorce 73

3. Marital separation from mate 65

4. Detention in jail or other institution 63

5. Death of a close family member 63

6. Major personal injury or illness 53

7. Marriage 50

8. Being fired at work 47

9. Marital reconciliation with mate 45

10. Retirement from work 45

11. Major change in the health or behavior of

a family member 44

12. Pregnancy 40

13. Sexual difficulties 39

14. Gaining a new family member (e.g., through

birth, adoption, oldster moving in, etc.) 39

...................................................

16. Major change in financial state (e.g., a lot

worse off or, a lot better off than usual) 38

17. Death of a close friend 37

...................................................

23. Son or daughter leaving home (e.g., marriage

attending college, etc.) 29

24. In-law troubles 29

...................................................

30. Trouble with the boss 23

31. Major change in working hours or conditions 20

32. Change in residence 20

33. Changing to a new school 20

...................................................

41. Vacation 13

42. Christmas 12

43. Minor violations of the law (e.g., traffic

tickets, jaywalking, disturbing the peace,

etc.) 11 [1495]

...................................................

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More detailed version:

In the past 12 months, which of the following major life events have taken place in your life.

1. Make a check mark next to each event that you have experienced this year.

2. When you're done, add up the points for each event.

3. Check your score at the bottom.

_____ Death of Spouse 100

_____ Divorce 73

_____ Marital Separation 65

_____ Jail Term 63

_____ Death of close family member 63

_____ Personal injury or illness 53

_____ Marriage 50

_____ Fired from work 47

_____ Marital reconciliation 45

_____ Retirement 45

_____ Change in family member's health 44

_____ Pregnancy 40

_____ Sex difficulties 39

_____ Addition to family 39 (

_____ Business readjustment 39

_____ Change in financial status 38

_____ Death of close friend 37

_____ Change to a different line of work 36

_____ Change in number of marital arguments 35

_____ Mortgage or loan over $10,000 31

_____ Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30

_____ Change in work responsibilities 29

_____ Trouble with in-laws 29

_____ Outstanding personal achievement 28

_____ Spouse begins or stops work 26

_____ Starting or finishing school 26

_____ Change in living conditions 25

_____ Revision of personal habits 24

_____ Trouble with boss 23

_____ Change in work hours, conditions 20

_____ Change in residence 20

_____ Change in schools 20

_____ Change in recreational habits 19

_____ Change in church activities 19

_____ Change in social activities 18

_____ Mortgage or loan under $10,000 17

_____ Change in sleeping habits 16

_____ Change in number of family gatherings 15.

_____ Change in eating habits 15

_____ Vacation 13

_____ Christmas season 12

_____ Minor violations of the law 11

_____ YOUR TOTAL SCORE

This scale shows the kind of life pressure that you are facing. Depending on your coping skills or the lack thereof, this scale can predict the likelihood that you will fall victim to a stress related illness. The illness could be mild - frequent tension headaches, acid indigestion, loss of sleep - to very serious illness like ulcers, cancer, migraines and the like.

LIFE STRESS SCORES:

0-149: Low susceptibility to stress-related illness

150-299: Medium susceptibility to stress-related illness.

Learn and practice relaxation and stress management skills

and a healthy well life style.

300 and over: High susceptibility to stress-related illness

We could learn some lessons from the world. According to the national media, one of the most significant groups in the United States is going to be the YUPPIES. There are only about 20 million of them, but they will set many of the trends for the 1980's. A YUPPIE is a Young Upwardly - Mobile Professional. As a group, they were first noticed in the Gary Hart campaign.

Newsweek Magazine did a profile on a Yuppie named Laurie Gilbert. She is a 28-year-old lawyer, and she says that without children, she would be comfortable with $200,000 a year. You would need that much because she buys two outfits of clothes each week.

Laurie met her second husband at a job interview in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, the interview was one of several that she had managed to schedule in during her honeymoon with her first husband so she had to go back home for a divorce.

"I know it sounds shocking," she days, "but there are times in your life when you just have to go after what you want."

Lawmakers hope to make the road to divorce court more difficult.

Ten years ago, Mark and Betty Squier's 19-year marriage appeared to be finished. They endured in what they now call a "married singles lifestyle." Mark, a police officer, had become a self-described workaholic, holding down an additional two jobs, while Betty, a full-time homemaker, devoted herself to the couple's five children. They had become virtual strangers with separate lives. Mark began an extramarital affair with a woman he met through work, and in May 1986, he filed for divorce.

In Michigan, where the Squiers live, adultery is still a felony. But, Mark says, "I was able to file for divorce because of this adulterous relationship, and had I gone through with it, I would have received no prosecution from the government for my criminal conduct and no censure from my church or the state for breaking my vows to my wife." What's more, under Michigan's no-fault divorce laws, Mark could divorce Betty against her will and walk away with half the family's wealth.

Betty, who did not want the divorce, eventually persuaded Mark to attend a Retrouvaille marriage retreat with her. An international Catholic lay ministry, Retrouvaille targets troubled marriages. Through the Retrouvaille program, the Squiers found new hope for their marriage, and Mark withdrew his divorce action.

Today, the Squiers say their marriage is stronger and happier than ever. They have become volunteer leaders with Retrouvaille, helping other couples address marriage problems. They also have joined a growing public campaign in Michigan to reform the laws that would have made it so easy to break apart their family. "It's a matter of putting justice back into the courtroom of divorce," says Mark.

NO-FAULT DEFAULT: Nearly 30 years ago, social activists argued that the elimination of the fault-based divorce system would reduce acrimonious court proceedings and enhance the status of women. However, given mounting evidence of the negative impact of divorce on families, children, and society, a burgeoning -- and surprisingly diverse -- movement is now calling for radical re-examination of U.S. divorce policy. As at least nine states consider new legislation this spring, many Christian leaders are urging churches to consider their own role in addressing crumbling family structures.

At issue are policies and assumptions that have been in place for more than a generation. California became the first state to adopt the "no-fault" divorce concept, which is now the basis of divorce law in all 50 states. Under California's 1969 Family Law Act, a marriage could be dissolved if either partner cited "irreconcilable differences which have caused the irremediable breakdown of the marriage." Legislatures across the nation quickly adopted the idea.

Divorce rates have since skyrocketed. In 1960, about 393,000 marriages dissolved through divorce or annulment. That number has tripled to almost 1.2 million annually. There are many contributing factors, but a 1995 study by the University of Oklahoma concluded that no-fault divorce laws raised the divorce rate by more than 15 percent. The divorce rate has stabilized in recent years because marriage rates have decreased, with growing numbers of unmarried couples cohabiting.

COUNTING THE COST: Numerous studies document the societal tolls of such trends. Judith Wallerstein, who began ongoing studies of divorced families in 1971, has conducted some of the most definitive research. "Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead when they decide to divorce," Wallerstein wrote in her book "Second Chances." Years after divorce, Wallerstein found adults still experiencing severe anger, depression, and financial difficulties. Children of divorce suffered even more, she discovered, exhibiting health and emotional problems and a higher rate of antisocial behavior.

Other recent studies have documented greater risks of alcohol and drug abuse, depression, suicide, criminal behavior, and sexual activity among children growing up in single-parent homes.

"We as a society are simply failing to teach the next generation about the meaning, purposes, and responsibilities of marriage," says a 1995 report by the politically diverse Council on Families in America. "If this trend continues, it will constitute nothing less than an act of cultural suicide."

More and more social analysts believe the state has a responsibility to intervene. Former Clinton administration domestic policy adviser William Galston, now a professor at the University of Maryland, is calling for more legal distinctions in divorces involving minor children and in those that are not sought by mutual consent. Even in cases of mutual consent, Galston favors "braking mechanisms," such as a mandatory waiting period for "reflection, counseling, and mediation."

Galston considers such reforms a moral issue. "Norms of personal satisfaction are now trumping norms of relationships based on obligation," he says. "That is a shift that has some advantages for some adults, but it has many fewer advantages for many fewer children."

Harvard Law School professor Mary Ann Glendon, a frequent author on divorce, also advocates reforms giving top priority to consideration of children's needs, especially in dividing marital property. "Unlike the conflicting and competing principles on the rights of the spouses in current marital property law, this principle has the twin virtues that it is relatively noncontroversial and that it applies to the majority of cases," she writes in a recent law review article.

MICHIGAN MODEL: Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Washington all have begun putting legislative flesh on such ideas.

Michigan took the lead when, on Valentine's Day, State Rep. Jessie Dalman introduced a package to overhaul the state's marriage and divorce policies.

Dalman's proposals would eliminate unilateral no-fault divorce, except in instances where physical abuse, desertion, adultery, substance abuse, or imprisonment can be proved. In divorces involving children, parents would be required to receive counseling about the potential effects of divorce and submit a postdivorce parenting plan to the court. Dalman also proposes incentives for premarital counseling: a substantial reduction of the marriage license fee and waiting period for couples who have undergone counseling.

During the hearing process last year, Mark and Betty Squier testified in support of Dalman's proposed reforms. Also solidly behind the proposals is the Michigan Family Forum, a nonprofit group affiliated with the Colorado Springs-based Focus on the Family.

"It is simply wrong that the state would, in effect, be on the side of a person who is breaking up a marriage for no reason," says Dan Jarvis, director of research and public policy for the Michigan Family Forum. "That is just encouraging irresponsibility." Jarvis says his group has mailed copies of Michigan's bills to 30 states in response to requests.

Syndicated religion columnist Michael McManus, who has been calling for these policy reforms since the mid-1980s, says such national interest represents a marked shift from the beginning of the decade when little, if any, political support for repeal of no-fault divorce existed.

"It is clear that there is a rising tide of public concern about the rate of marital dissolution in this country, and in particular its effect on children," agrees Galston.

The issue appears to be a rare one transcending standard ideological divides.

"It would be a mistake to see this simply as social conservatives," asserts Galston, a self-described liberal. Even long-time feminist leader Betty Friedan recently acknowledged that no-fault divorce has created a host of "unanticipated consequences" for women and children that need to be reconsidered.

ARE LAWS THE ANSWER?

Nonetheless, many observers question whether the current legislative proposals are the correct solution. In Michigan, several women's groups have argued that Dalman's bills could trap wives into dangerous situations by requiring proof of abuse. Some sociologists have expressed concern that reforms making marriage and divorce more difficult may simply encourage people to live together outside of marriage, prompting even more consequences for the breakdown of marriage and the family.

Many divorce attorneys, including officials at the Michigan Bar Association's family law section, argue that repealing no-fault measures will result in an escalation of the bitterness and fabrication of charges already all too often present in divorce situations.

Supporters of divorce reform disagree with such criticisms. Jarvis acknowledges that Michigan's proposals may require "a slightly harder burden of proof" for abuse, but he added that abused spouses able to substantiate their claims will also receive in the long run "a greater portion of the marital assets and child custody." In addition, advocates of a fault-based system contend that no-fault laws never really eliminated acrimony within divorce, but merely shifted it to other issues such as child custody and property division.

SLEEPING CLERGY? As the debate ensues, some Christian leaders express regret that the church has not been a stronger voice on an issue that has such direct moral implications. "Religious leaders are mostly asleep on this," McManus says, although he acknowledges that the "Catholic church has been more awake than most."

In Michigan, the state Catholic Conference has endorsed Dalman's reform package. The Michigan Family Forum, which is a Christian group, has been trying to rally other religious support for the bills as well.

Nationally, Catholic bishops, in a 1991 "Putting Children and Families First" report, urged reconsideration of "the consequences of permissive divorce" and called generally for divorce laws that "recognize the frequently devastating consequences of divorce on children."

Politics aside, more and more Christians are lamenting the lack of attention among Protestant leaders to marriage and divorce. "There is no strategy among any Protestant denominations to try and save marriages," says McManus, whose book Marriage Savers encourages such efforts.

Many observers see growing ambivalence about divorce, partly fostered by the experiences of church leadership. According to a 1995 study by Hartford (Conn.) Seminary, one-quarter of female and one-fifth of male clergy have been divorced (CT, Oct, 23, 1995, p. 82).

Such trends have a direct impact on marriage ministry within churches, according to David Ferguson, executive director of the Center for Marriage and Family Intimacy in Austin, Texas. "You're not going to prioritize or emphasize ministry within your church any more than that truth is real in your own home," he says. "There is a lot of marital family pain in the ministry, and if that is not addressed, you're not going to have a healthy emphasis in the church."

In addition, Ferguson suggests that many pastors simply do not know how to address marriage and divorce issues. They are not trained in seminaries, so they relegate such ministry to other "professional" counselors, rather than dealing with it in the church, he asserts.

Craig Keener, author of "... And Marries Another," a book offering biblical interpretation on divorce and remarriage, welcomes new examination of church and social attitudes about divorce. He agrees churches need to place more emphasis on faithfulness and restoration of marriage. But he is also concerned that such efforts not create a backlash against hurting persons who have gone through divorce. "Within the church, on one hand, you have people who are so much against divorce that they take it out on divorced people, and on the other hand, you have people who don't mind divorce at all," he says. "Neither extreme is biblical."

The church needs to develop a "just divorce theory" similar to the criteria theologians have developed on war, suggests Mary Stewart Van Leeuwen, a professor of gender studies at Eastern College. "Divorce is not God's creational intention for people, but in a fallen world, we sometimes have to choose between the lesser of two evils," she says, adding that the "default option should obviously be toward the maintenance of marriage."

PREPARING THE CHURCH: Van Leeuwen applauds McManus's call to churches to do a better job of premarital counseling. "There's no point in getting moralistic and heavy-handed about divorce if we're not preparing young people better for marriage," she asserts.

Ferguson's center provides resource and training materials to equip churches for more ongoing marriage and family ministry. It also sponsors marriage retreats for ministry couples. Ferguson says new laws making divorce more difficult to obtain could help his work. "I think it would give pastors and church counselors more of an opportunity to encourage the couple to seek additional help, to explore every imaginable way of reconciling their marriage," he says.

The question many Christians are asking is whether churches are indeed ready to step in should new laws take effect.

Mark Squier says that when he first read Dalman's call for mandatory counseling before divorce, he saw a perfect niche for Retrouvaille, which in Michigan has an 80 percent success rate in reconciling troubled marriages. But, he says, he also became slightly alarmed. As a completely volunteer ministry, "we don't have the capacity right now" to handle large numbers of new applicants. About 400 couples attended the Retrouvaille program in Michigan last year, while 40,000 in the state divorced.

"Laws may be helpful in moving society in a better direction as far as making people think twice about divorce, but I think the church shouldn't have to wait for society to set the standards of morality," says Keener, professor of New Testament at Hood Theological Seminary in North Carolina.

McManus, who has been married for 30 years, urges churches to take more spiritual responsibility for the marriages blessed before their altars. He also is encouraging older, more experienced couples to be "marriage mentors."

In addition, 38 cities across the nation have adopted the "Community Marriage Policy" that McManus has advocated for more than a decade. Under the policies, clergy in local areas join forces in a unified commitment to "radically reduce the divorce rate." Ninety-five pastors in Modesto, California, signed the first community policy in 1986. A decade later, the number of annual divorces in the county has dropped to 1,606 from 1,923 -- while the population has risen to 420,000 from 303,000.

McManus believes that the church, "properly functioning," has the message that can strengthen marriages at every stage.

Based on their own experience, Mark and Betty Squier agree. "Forgiveness is never a part of society's message. Instead, we're told, 'You can be happier if you get rid of him,' " Betty says. But, she adds, the church has a different message: "If you are unable to forgive, then you will not be forgiven." And Mark and Betty say that message saved their marriage, even though the state would have readily dissolved it.

Copyright (c) 1996 Christianity Today, Inc./CHRISTIANITY TODAY Magazine

Volume 40, No. 4, page 84

Divorce rates nearly doubled in some states when no-fault divorce laws were enacted, according to data from the National Center for Health Statistics.

In this study, researchers examined the divorce rate per 1,000 people both three years before and three years after a no-fault law was passed. In 44 of 50 states, the divorce rate increased substantially after the passage of the law.

No-fault divorce was designed to lessen the adversarial process by no longer requiring a spouse to be proved innocent or guilty of violating the marriage commitment through adultery, cruelty or desertion. It also permitted one spouse to divorce without the consent of the other, making divorce much more accessible and less restrictive.

All 50 states currently have no-fault divorce laws, enacted from 1953 to 1987.

_____________

Executive Editor: Greg Warner Associate Editor: Bob Allen Phone: (904)262- 6626 Fax: (904) 262-7745 ASSOCIATED BAPTIST PRESS RNabpmrjA5C08a5C18

[Sermon version]

Even pastors can have rotten marriages:

He was known as a gifted preacher, eloquent, intense, captivating in his deep, booming voice. He was a trustee of one of the largest seminaries in the country and had the honor of preaching the convention sermon for Southern Baptists in Alabama in 1993.

At home, though, he says now he was "the great pretender," whose life was unraveling as he guarded the secret of a crumbling marriage. The evil was not infidelity, not the so-called "pressures" of the ministry. The real causes, he says today, were his "pride and stubbornness," years of anger and bitterness toward his wife that led him to despair.

On February 26, 1995, Don Graham, age 54, stepped up to the pulpit to make a confession and resign his position.

"At the end of January, the Lord found me a bitter, angry and defeated man whose family was crumbling and whose spiritual life was disintegrating," he says. "I lost all joy of service, of ministry, and the joy of salvation. Driven by pride, I ignored my wife's appeals over the years. I refused to value her opinions and disregarded her."

"Many is the time," Graham said, "that I let the sun go down on my wrath." A marriage counselor was brave enough to ask the tough questions, unimpressed with Graham's reputation. He made Graham fill in a list of all the things he had done to wound his wife. "After 31 entries, I could hardly stand it any longer," he says.

That same Sunday his wife, Jean, also read a confession that described her as lacking any hope that the wounds would heal. In her statement, she confessed to a self-centered and judgmental character: "I had a master's degree in critical spirit, and I was not submissive," she said.

The congregation immediately expressed its forgiveness but the resignation was final. The pastor and his wife said they were uncertain of the future but certain "God wants us to focus on rebuilding our marriage."

-------------------------------

Original article:

CENTER POINT, Ala. (BP) -- He was known as a gifted preacher, eloquent, intense, captivating in his deep, booming voice, a doctrinal mentor for younger pastors, and a spiritual model for his congregation. Out of the pulpit, though, he says now he was "the great pretender," a private man, a closely held pastor, whose life was unraveling as he guarded the secret of a crumbling marriage.

The evil was not infidelity, not the so-called "pressures" of the ministry. The real causes, he says today, were his "pride and stubbornness," years of anger and bitterness toward his wife that led him to despair.

So when Don Graham, 54, stepped up to the pulpit on Sunday night, Feb. 26, his pockets "full of Kleenex," to make a confessional statement and resign his pastorate at First Baptist, Center Point, after 11-and-a-half years, he knew the confession must be complete.

"At the end of January, the Lord found me a bitter, angry and defeated man whose family was crumbling and whose spiritual life was disintegrating," he says. "I lost all joy of service, of ministry, and the joy of salvation.

"Driven by pride, I ignored my wife's appeals over the years. I refused to value her opinions and disregarded her. Pride had caused me to talk much further down the road than I had been walking. The word for it is hypocrisy."

His congregation voiced its forgiveness that night and did the same for his wife, Jean, 48, who also read a confessional statement that described her as lacking any hope that the wounds would heal. But the resignation was final, and they will leave their pastorium and relocate to another home in Birmingham, Ala., uncertain of the future but certain "God wants us to focus on our marriage and on rebuilding our marriage."

"I feel a perfect peace about it," he says. "I am not qualified for spiritual leadership, according to 1 Timothy 3:5. If God chooses us for ministry in the future, that's his doing. It would be like raising beauty out of ashes. If not, we will continue to serve him in the best way we know how."

Graham's prominence among Southern Baptists -- currently serving as a trustee of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Kentucky, having preached the Alabama convention sermon in 1993 and having served as a frequent preacher around the state -- led him to make a public statement, he says.

"I didn't want the forum to sound self-serving in any way," Graham says. "I have no desire to preserve any vestige of a reputation. My one, singular motive is to clear my conscience with my church, with Alabama Baptist pastors and church members, to humble myself and ask their forgiveness for my pride and pretense in preaching at a time when my marriage was in deep turmoil."

In an interview, the Grahams chronicle the years of a self-destructive marriage: "While we know and the church knows there is no immorality involved, our sins of the spirit in the sight of God are just as despicable as the sins of the flesh," Jean says. "It was not the pressure of the pastorate; it's the pressure of any husband and wife. We neglected the biblical model, and somehow we thought it would work out."

Instead, they grew further apart. Their private life was marked by anger and resentment. "Many is the time," says Don Graham, "that I let the sun go down on my wrath." Jean even stopped attending her husband's church, worshiping elsewhere. To his confused congregation and to pastor friends, Don indicated Jean was having emotional problems. "By my silence and my words, I was willing to let the congregation think I was a poor, helpless victim living with a sick wife," he says. "That was wrong. Jean wasn't sick. I was the sick one."

Jean found her only solace in her private prayer sessions where she released her own bitterness and anger. In her statement, she confessed to a self- centered and judgmental character: "I had a master's degree in critical spirit, and I was not submissive," she said. She was convinced nothing would work, and last year, she said she gave up: "I realized I couldn't save the home and couldn't save the church."

As a last attempt to save the marriage, Don and Jean accepted the invitation of Life Action Ministries to attend a two-week crusade in Fort Worth, Texas, and undergo counseling by members of the ministry team.

"We were at the point of utter, final desperation," Don says. "We were merely co-existing in the same household. January 29, 1995, was a dark day. When we got to Fort Worth, we didn't want to be there. I was bitter, angry, depressed. We were drowning persons, clutching at straws."

Finally, a counselor was brave enough to ask the tough questions, unimpressed with Graham's reputation. He made Graham fill in a list of all the things he had done to wound his wife. "After 31 entries, I could hardly stand it any longer," he says.

"I prayed for God to show me how he saw me and how others saw me. God obliged. He shamed me with the rot and the filth of my life. God drove me to brokenness and repentance. He broke my spirit and my will."

Eventually, after extensive and exhaustive counseling and their own separate resistance, the Grahams reached a state of "brokenness," they said. "We date February 3 as the day God began to turn our spirits toward each other," Don says. "He began a work in my life, and the key word is 'began.' I asked for forgiveness, and the Lord began to restore our marriage. He revealed to me that I had no right to go to the pulpit of any church and preach when my family was in such a disarray."

They began to confess "from the inside out," to their children, their family first, and then to the congregation, in the middle of a two-week revival by that same Life Action Ministry. They emphasize they take full responsibility for their actions and that the road back is still beginning: "The mask is off," Jean says. "I desperately need an ambulance load of grace." Neither wants the confession to make "a hero or martyr out of sin."

Yet they say they believe they have started the process of reconciliation in earnest: "We are more one in the Spirit now than at any time since we met in 1964," Jean says. "There is a warm feeling of being forgiven and freed," says Don, "freed to share with each other, to open up to her to tell her where I'm hurting." They also intend to fulfill the definition of a clear conscience, when they are able to say: "There is no one alive that I have ever wronged, offended or hurt in any way that I have not gone back to and made it right with God and with them."

"Jesus said, 'Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted'" Don says. "Right now we are on the mourning side of that beatitude. I have asked God to not stay his hand on me until the mourning process is complete. One day real soon, I hope to be on the comforted side of that beatitude."

________

Copyright (c) 1995 Baptist Press

[Twenty years after this article was written, they were still married; see ]

Local political concerns (from the 6th century B.C.):

1. Imminent outbreak of international hostility.

2. The breakup of the home and weakening marriages.

3. Rebellion of youth ... no respect for parents or for those getting older.

4. Corruption in politics.

5. Potholes in the public roads.

________

Rev. Ray Stedman

Why do toymakers watch the divorce rate? When it rises, so do toy

sales. According to the analyzers, four parents and eight grandparents

tend to compete for children's affections, so buy toys. L.M. Boyd,

3-15-93 Spokesman Review Styles of parenting, The Gift of Honor, Gary

Smalley & John Trent, Pocket Books, p. 74ff

Midlife particularly can test a marriage relationship, counselors say. Grief over the death of a parent or even a child, dreams not realized and opportunities missed can cause one or both partners to question their purpose in life.

In a society that puts increasing value on the worth and fulfillment of the individual, a dangerous dilemma can emerge: How do I find "me" without giving up "us?"

Gail and Steve Brookshire of Dallas work hard to find the balance.

"Steve helps me to be an individual while we're being a couple," Gail said of her husband of 19 years. "He's made it a priority for me to be able to advance professionally and personally.... He helps me to have time by myself to go on retreat or pray. He helps me to have the time away to rejuvenate. Most spouses might not even feel that they could be away."

Yet, Gail added, their marriage also has been strengthened by what they do together - especially learning and laughing.

"We love to learn together - art galleries, poetry, stuff that's totally different from what our backgrounds are," said Gail, a genetics counselor. "We haven't ever gotten to the place where we're at a dead-end. It keeps it fun."

"We laugh together," she continued. "We reflect on where we've come from - our families. Nothing's so sacred that we can't laugh about [it]."

But Gail and Steve have an advantage over some couples. "We have a common Christian faith that we share that matters a lot between us," she said. "It's not true always as a bond for relationships to share. It has reoriented everything, including how we spend our money and our time."

The Brookshires are committed to working on "the rough spots" in their personalities, which requires a lot of trust, Gail said. "We have an environment where it feels safe with each other."

"Folks go in and out of relationships like changing socks, and they don't want to do the work that it takes. ... You have to be ready to do the work."

Predicting when marital conflict might hit is difficult. But counselors agree there are points along the way that stress relationships in particular. Some of them come surprisingly early, while others arrive later.

For couples with adult children, a period that hits about two or three years after the nest empties can be tricky. Suddenly, the couple is alone with each other. If they haven't been staying in touch along the way, it is treacherous to suddenly have to become reacquainted. This person who only resembles your original marriage partner is now your only roommate. Vulnerability to frustration and romantic affairs springs from unresolved issues in the relationship.

In the bestseller "The Bridges of Madison County," author Robert James Waller portrays a woman dealing with the disappointments of her rural Iowa farm life. Along the way, she and her husband have fallen into sloppy communication and very low maintenance of their romance. With her husband and children gone for a few days, she engages in a brief affair with a National Geographic photographer, portrayed in the movie version by Clint Eastwood. Her new lover offers her the chance to leave it all behind and travel the world with him. But she chooses to stay, keeping until her death the secret of her torrid affair.

Counselor Robert Herron said "the romantic mirage of Madison County" poses problems for couples in all stages of life, but particularly those at midlife. "Frequently, it is the marriage that is judged defective, rather than the mirage," he said.

If couples are to grow as persons and in their marriage, Herron said, partners have to give up the simplistic, magical notions and replace them with maturing, grounded love and commitment.

If you haven't made it to Madison County yet, "be happy about it," Herron said. "In the real world, which is the only world we have, we don't have to love perfectly at midlife. Love is not a four-day extravaganza. It's a lifelong process of learning."

*

Back in the 1970s, the great evangelist Francis Schaeffer used to rail against the plague of what he called "easy divorce." Most people, even many Christians, seemed to have no sense of how devastating divorce is to children or how it contributes to the decline of any culture.

Well, since the 70s, social science research has borne out the negative consequences of easy divorce. Yet ironically, divorce has just gotten even easier -- thanks to the Internet.

A British entrepreneur named Richard Cohen has created a Web site that will make divorce as simple as the click of a mouse. Called Desktop Lawyer, it allows couples to bypass the time-consuming and expensive tasks of hiring a lawyer and filing a petition with the court.

Instead, for about $150, British couples can now file for a divorce without ever seeing a lawyer, or even going to court. All they have to do is click on the web site and answer a series of questions on-line. Lawyers with Desktop Divorce check the answers, prepare the appropriate pleadings, and file them with the court. You save time, money, and, most of all, the stress associated with going through the legal process.

It appears that Brits love stress-free divorce. In the first week after Cohen designed Desktop Divorce, more than 300 couples took advantage of its services. It's only a matter of time before an enterprising American lawyer follows Cohen's lead.

As you might expect, not everyone is crazy about this latest example of e-commerce. Patricia Hardcastle, a spokeswoman for the Roman Catholic Church in England, warns that the impersonal nature of Desktop Divorce is likely to encourage more people to file for divorce. As she puts it, "Nobody wants to go through it, but at least we had to do everything face-to-face, which might have made some people stop and think."

Precisely. What the West needs is not easier divorce but harder divorce. As the social science data pours in on the negative effects of family breakdown, many pro-family organizations are working to pass laws that erect barriers and slow down the divorce process -- such as requiring couples to seek counseling before splitting up.

You see, society can't make people be faithful to their spouses; that's a matter of the heart. But what it CAN do is make it harder to be UNfaithful. Society can erect legal and social structures that encourage virtue and discourage vice. People who won't be virtuous out of principle may sometimes be induced to do the virtuous thing merely because it is easier and less troublesome.

That's why there was a profound wisdom in the old system that made divorce difficult, expensive, and inconvenient. The prospect of going through a long legal process causes many couples to try harder to make a struggling marriage work. We ought to support laws designed to reinstate some of the barriers to easy divorce.

And we'd better act quickly. Even our best efforts may be undermined by the tools of the Information Age. For they are designed to make everything simple and convenient and accessible -- even the dissolution of marriage.

___________________________

Copyright (c) 1999 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

Did you see the results of that recent Barna survey about Christians and divorce? Depressing. According to George Barna, people who call themselves "born again" Christians divorce at higher even rates than non-believers -- three percent higher, to be exact.

Well, it would be depressing, and shocking, except it turns out the survey reveals less about how real Christians live their lives than it does about the confusion about what "born again" really means.

Wade Clark Roof is the author of a new book called Spiritual Marketplace: Baby Boomers and the Remaking of American Religion. A religious studies professor, Roof says that one third of America's 77 million Baby Boomers identify themselves as "born again Christians." The question is, what do they mean by that?

According to Roof, it means that they've had a "highly personal spiritual experience that has changed their lives." To these folks, you are born again "because of certain feelings ... and experiences, not because you believe any particular set of doctrines."

And Roof says only about half of those who call themselves "born again" today attend a conservative Protestant church. Twenty percent don't belong to ANY church. Shockingly, a third of those who say they're "born again" believe in astrology and reincarnation.

In other words, you might call yourself a born again Christian, but so do people who call the Psychic Friends Network every week. And so does the guy down the street -- the one who lives with his girlfriend and smokes pot on weekends.

All of which helps explain the Barna results.

Many of those who call themselves born again, have no idea what the term means. We certainly can't expect them to lead Christ-like lives, or to know, for instance, that God says "I hate divorce" in the book of Malachi.

The good news is that divorce is much less common among serious Christians who conscientiously practice their faith. For example, research indicates that regular church attendance is linked with marital stability. And Christians who live by biblical teachings -- such as remaining chaste and abstaining from sex until marriage -- also enjoy much lower divorce rates.

Of course, far too many Christians do divorce, leaving behind broken hearts and broken homes - and we should do something about it.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and the best way to celebrate is by doing something other than exchanging cards with your loved ones. You can do something that will help lower America's divorce rate by helping your church begin a Marriage Saver ministry. It's a program begun by my friend Mike McManus.

Marriage Savers has a proven track record for helping couples solve tough marital problems.

And if your unsaved neighbors refer to polls about Christians getting divorced, set them straight. The statistics are misleading because they include a lot of people who aren't born again.

And we must lovingly tell folks, including some in our own churches, something else, as well: Christianity is more than some touchy-feely, emotional experience. Only when we accept by faith our Lord's sacrifice on the cross, and faithfully follow Him, are we truly "born again."

___________________

Copyright (c) 2000 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

*

The minister was outraged, and he didn't care who knew it. The question he had for Dr. Laura Schlessinger was this: Was he out of bounds to sue a couple he had recently married -- a couple who had promised never to divorce?

The minister's anger is a sign -- and a good one, in my view -- that the church recognizes it needs to be doing something about high divorce rates.

As this pastor explained to Dr. Laura, the divorcing couple had begged him to marry them; they promised they would never part. But part they did -- just 18 months after the ceremony.

The minister asked: "Do you think taking them to court for some token amount would be a good idea? After all, they made a promise to God, to me, and to the guests at their wedding that they would stay married until death." And he added: "I provided a service on the condition that they were marrying for life. They are breaking the contract, and I want compensation for wasting so many hours on that wedding."

Well, the minister's comments struck a nerve. When Dr. Laura posed this question to her radio audience, the response was overwhelming. One woman said: "I think [everyone] who attended should be able to sue for fraud." She labeled the wedding "a deceitful attempt to extract cash and gifts from unsuspecting friends and family."

Another had an even better idea: When one marriage partner dumps the other, she said, the minister should invite all the wedding guests back and "un-perform" the ceremony. The departing spouse would be forced to explain why he or she is leaving, buy presents for the guests, and pay all the expenses of the "un-ceremony."

Well, these ideas may sound humorous -- in a vindictive sort of way -- but they do raise a serious question. Why can't people keep their marriages together?

My friend Mike McManus, who wrote a book called "Marriage Savers," suggests that divorce is partly the fault of the church. Many do a poor job of preparing couples for lasting marriages.

Mike maintains that if churches really wanted to keep marriages from unraveling, they would introduce the bride and groom to programs with a proven success record.

For example, for engaged couples, there's a program called PREPARE. The couple fills out a questionnaire, which provides an objective snapshot of the state of their relationship. Then, older married couples teach them concrete strategies for tackling weak areas. PREPARE's questionnaire can predict with 80 percent accuracy which marriages will end in divorce.

For struggling newlyweds, there's a program called ENRICH. In this one, newlyweds work with older couples who act as mentors. By candidly sharing their own problems and solutions, the mentors offer practical examples of how to save a marriage.

The church ought to be a force for preserving the institution God has ordained as the basis of the social order. Call us here at BreakPoint and we'll send you some timely information on these Marriage Saver programs.

America's divorce rate is a tragedy. But instead of getting angry and suing couples for breach of contract, we ought to do everything we can to help build unbreakable marriages.

___________________

Copyright (c) 2000 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

Sermon in Malachi series. Malachi 2:10-16

DON'T BREAK FAITH

=================

I. Marriage isn't what it used to be.

II. Marriage is not a contract.

A. Contracts are only two-way, covenants are three-way. 2:14

B. Malachi's view of marriage is radical.

III. What was happening in Israel.

A. Intermarriage with pagan women .

B. Divorce.

IV. Guard your spirit.

A. Our relationships have spiritual impact. 1 Peter 3:7

B. Our children are affected. 2:15

C. Withheld blessings.

V. Keep your faith through six commitments.

1: TO GROW IN CHRIST FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

2: TO STAY COMMITTED AND TO WORK TO SOLVE ALL PROBLEMS.

3: TO BE FAITHFUL TO MY MATE IN BOTH MIND AND ACTION.

4: TO COMMUNICATE - NO MATTER WHAT.

5: TO BE A SERVANT.

6: TO ASSUME IN EVERYTHING THAT MY MATE'S INTENTIONS ARE GOOD.

Saying they have taken the wrong approach to marriage counseling for three decades, more than 100 scholars, religious and civic leaders pledged to turn the tide on divorce.

The pact to take a new tack in fostering strong marriages was signed Thursday at a conference addressing the breakdown of the family and growing divorce rates.

"For the past 30 years, marriage counselors have been operating with faulty information, and the divorce rate has soared," said Diane Sollee, director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. "It's not because we were bad or stupid, we just had the wrong information."

Counseling policies are now based on the acceptance of family breakdown and focus on dealing with the aftermath instead of prevention, leading to a 50 percent divorce rate nationwide, she said.

Those policies stemmed from studies of failed marriages that cited frequent disagreements as the cause of failure. When researchers went back to study successful marriages, they found those couples also disagreed over some of the same issues such as money, sex and children.

Those whose marriage ended in divorce concluded they picked the wrong person because of frequent fights, Sollee said.

"We need to get out the message now, and tell people before they get married that it's OK to fight," she said. "Right now, we're sending couples out onto the football field and not telling them the rules."

Counselors should teach couples communication skills and how to handle their disagreements.

Leo Godzich of the National Association of Marriage Enhancement said churches bear part of the blame. His group released a survey of 532 churches from 17 denominations that showed the divorce rate among churchgoers is equal to or greater than the general population.

"When one considers that more than three-quarters of marriage ceremonies are performed in a church, it seems that those conducting weddings perceive marriages to be better than they are," Godzich said.

On the Net:

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education:

http://www.smartmarriages.com

National Association of Marriage Enhancement:

http://www.hammondfirst.org/NAME.htm

AP-NY-06-30-00

Grown Children of Divorce at Risk for Depression Children whose parents divorced are more likely to suffer from depression when they grow up than those whose parents died, a new study found. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 2867 people nationwide age 25 and older and found the highest rates of adult depression were among those who grew up in a family touched by violence, mental illness or divorce. Sociology professor Ronald C. Kessler said his results were surprising because previous research had indicated a parent's death was the most traumatic childhood event. When compared to the general population, the likelihood of adult depression was:

* 2.6 times for people raised in violent families

* 2 times for people raised in families with mental illness

* 1.7 times for people from divorced families

* 1.6 times for those from families with serious parental marital problems

* 1.4 times for those from families with serious drinking problems.

In a recently published text book concerning marriage and the family we are informed that "in 1982, a record 2.5 million couples entered into the state of holy matrimony" (McCubbin, et al. 153). The authors also give some statistical data from the U.S. Bureau of the Census regarding the probability of those 2.5 million couples staying married. According to their findings, of every 100 couples married in 1983:

* 19 will divorce before their fifth anniversary.

* 14 more will before their tenth anniversary.

* 7 more will before their 15th anniversary.

* 7 more will before their 25th anniversary.

* 3 more will before their 50th anniversary.

Sadly enough, this information reveals that only half of the marriages in the U.S. will actually fulfill the traditional vow "till death us do part"--which the text would have us believe is "simply obsolete, no longer meeting the needs of Americans late in the twentieth century" (299).

Included in this research brief is the fact that in the 20-year period from 1960 to 1980, "the number of divorced men and women in the United States more than tripled" (299). In seeking to explain the causes of such high proportions of divorce rates in the U.S. the authors suggest several reasons. One reason given is that marriage is not providing the necessary ingredients for the fulfillment of one's own personal happiness and goals in life (299). Another suggestion given is that there is no longer the need for, or a high value placed upon, the stability provided by what is questionably described as the "normal" family--"a happily married couple, with two well-adjusted children, a dog, and a beautiful suburban home" (300). This is in part, the authors declare, due to the fact that with the increase in the number of women who work outside the home comes a greater independence of women from their husbands for financial support (300). Unfortunately, it is nevertheless true that the American model of the family has become based upon utilitarianism: ". . .a secondary relationship. . .based on services, convenience" (Enlow 8). While McCubbin and Dahl recognize that a decline in morality may also be a cause of such high divorce rates in the U.S., the authors do not give any consideration to this possibility.

Also stated is the fact that the Census data indicated that three out of four divorced women and five out of six divorced men eventually remarry (McCubbin, et al. 322). In the United States today "one out of every three marriages is a remarriage" (322). In fact, "remarried families now comprise 13 percent of all families in the United States" (323). Included in these statistics is the estimate that "one million American children

under the age of 18 become stepchildren each year" (323). It is highly likely that these remarriages include children from both partners involved (323). In spite of the complexities and deep psychological hurts of everyone involved, the authors of this secular text argue that "remarriage appears to spur on or accompany significant improvements in attitude and mental health" (324). (Taken from a scholarly paper by Jim Johnson)

THE WALL: Their wedding picture mocked them from the table, these two whose minds no longer touched

each other. They lived with such a heavy barricade between them that neither battering ram of words nor artilleries of touch could bring it down.

Somewhere between the oldest child's first tooth and the youngest daughter's graduation they lost each other. Throughout the years each slowly unraveled that tangled ball of string called "self" and as they tugged at stubborn knots each hid his searching from the other.

Sometimes she cried at night and begged the darkness to tell her who she was. He lay beside her snoring like a hibernating bear, unaware of her winter. Once after they had made love, he had wanted to tell her how afraid he was of dying, but fearing to show her his naked soul, he spoke instead of how beautiful her hair was.

She took a course in modern art trying to find herself in colors splashed upon a canvas and complained to other women about men who are insensitive. He climbed into a tomb called the office, wrapped his mind in a shroud of paper figures and buried himself in customers.

Slowly the wall between them rose, cemented by the mortar of indifference, one day reaching out to touch each other, they found a barrier they could not penetrate and recoiling from the coldness of stone each retreated from the stranger on the other side.

For when love dies, it is not in a moment of angry battle, nor when fiery bodies lose their heat, it lies panting, exhausted, expiring at the bottom of a wall it could not scale.

On his radio broadcast of June 28, 1993, Paul Harvey told the true story of a husband & wife who had marital problems and eventually divorced. Afterward, the man, seeking companionship, contacted a computerized dating service. He filled out a lengthy questionnaire detailing his own personality, characteristics and his description of the ideal partner.

After searching its databank of thousands of potential partners the computer presented the man with the name of his own ex-wife! But wait! The REST of the story ..... The man followed up on the computer's suggestion and arranged a date. He and his former wife discovered what attracted them to each other to begin with, rekindled their romance, and are now happily married!

Divorce often hurts children, everyone agrees. It can cause great pain, anger, anxiety, confusion and behavior problems in the first couple of years of the breakup. And for some it leads to lasting anxiety, insecurity and fear of having close relationships with other people.

Most children recover, though it may take years, and go on to find happiness and success in marriage, work and life. Experts agree about that, too.

But from this general accord arises a heated dispute between those who emphasize the pain and those who think more attention should be paid to the children's recovery.

Dr. E. Mavis Hetherington, emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, has recently accentuated the more positive prognosis for children of divorce with the publication of her new book, "For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered," written with John Kelly and published in January by Norton.

And in doing so, she has brought this long-running argument among social scientists back into the public spotlight.

"Divorcing is a high-risk situation," Dr. Hetherington said. "But most kids are able to adapt. They're resilient in the long run."

Her studies over the past 30 years have found that 20 percent to 25 percent of children whose parents divorce are at risk for lifelong emotional or behavioral problems, compared with only 10 percent of children whose parents stay married.

"Now, that twofold increase is not to be taken lightly," Dr. Hetherington said. "It's larger than the association between smoking and cancer. But it also means that 75 to 80 percent are functioning in the normal range, and some are functioning remarkably well."

The other side of the debate is represented by Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, a co-author of "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-Year Landmark Study" (Hyperion, 2000), written with Dr. Julia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee, a contributing science writer for The New York Times. The book concentrates on how children of divorce struggle with loneliness and anxiety, especially over love and commitment.

Dr. Wallerstein found that children of divorce, after suffering the breakups and then growing up in fragmented families, end up ill prepared to form their own intimate relationships.

"I am not saying these young people don't recover," Dr. Wallerstein said. "I'm saying they come to adulthood burdened, frightened and worried about failure. They want love. They want commitment. They want what everybody else wants. But they're very afraid they'll never get it."

The differences between the two researchers are partly of the half-full or half-empty kind. "We're not against each other," Dr. Hetherington said. "When I read Judy's books, I always learn something. But you know Judy has a gloom and doom approach to divorce."

"I don't have a gloom and doom approach," Dr. Wallerstein responded, "but I do think we've underestimated the cost on the child."

Their differences also have to do with how the researchers went about their work. Each spent the past three decades studying white middle-class families, mainly those that broke apart in the early 1970's, when the divorce rate was taking its last giant step to 50 percent of all marriages.

But Dr. Wallerstein, a clinical psychologist, did her own interviews with children and parents, while Dr. Hetherington, assisted by a cadre of researchers, interviewed the children and parents and observed the families interacting in their homes.

Dr. Hetherington's subjects kept journals of their actions and feelings and were given standardized personality tests. Reports were gathered from parents and peers.

Dr. Wallerstein's study involved 59 divorced families. She interviewed the children and parents five times over 25 years, and she compared them with 44 adults who had grown up in intact families.

Dr. Hetherington looked at more than 1,400 families, roughly half divorced and half not divorced. For many, data were collected seven different times over the course of 24 years.

Critics have often said that Dr. Wallerstein examined too few families.

Her work, said Dr. Andrew Cherlin, professor of sociology at Johns Hopkins University, "is a very valuable exposition of what can happen when divorce goes bad."

"But where I have a problem," he said, "is where she claims that her 60 families are representative of all divorces."

Dr. Hetherington's sample is considered more representative of white middle-class families, and her standards of data collection are viewed as more scientifically rigorous. Still, some argue that Dr. Hetherington's study could not have exposed as much anguish as Dr. Wallerstein found.

But Dr. Norval D. Glenn, professor of sociology at the University of Texas, said he believed that Dr. Wallerstein dug much more deeply. "She got at something I think the standardized instruments wouldn't necessarily pick up on," he said.

The two researchers did arrive at certain similar conclusions. Each found, for example, that children of divorce, especially girls, often took responsibility for other family members' comfort. But each put her own spin on the story of how that happened.

Dr. Hetherington describes 8-year-old Jeannie, who does the laundry and the cooking when her mother is disabled by chronic fatigue syndrome just after her divorce. She also bathes her little brother and reads a story to him each night before bed. Jeannie is able to cope, Dr. Hetherington finds, because her mother does not lean too hard on her, for too long, and she provides love all the while.

Eventually Jeannie grows up happy, well-adjusted and enhanced by her experience.

"As long as the child has some support, divorce can have a steeling effect," Dr. Hetherington said. "Girls become stronger and more able to cope with future challenges." Dr. Wallerstein tells the story of Karen, who, as a 12-year-old, becomes the substitute parent for her younger siblings. She stays home from school to console her depressed mother, and she does the shopping for her father.

Karen, too, ends up happy, but not until after she suffers through a rocky period in her early adulthood, when she lives with a man she does not love or respect, because she knows he will not leave her. Even years later, after she has married someone else, she avoids all conflict with her husband.

Karen was a child of high integrity, and so eventually she pulls away and becomes a happy and loving mother of her own children and a very good wife," Dr. Wallerstein said. "But what doesn't leave her ever is the fear that when she goes to sleep at night, she won't have it all in the morning."

With divorced fathers, each researcher observed behavior varying from total abandonment of the children to strong bonding. But Dr. Hetherington calls attention to fathers she describes as "divorce-activated," those who are jolted into realizing how much their children mean to them. These fathers, Dr. Hetherington believes, end up forging closer ties with their children than they might have built if they had stayed married and relegated the parental duties to their wives.

Dr. Wallerstein found that most divorced fathers, 70 percent of those she studied, did not pay their children's college expenses. Only 10 percent of the fathers who remained married declined to pay. This lack of support, she said, was a big reason why just 70 percent of the children of divorce went to college at all, compared with 85 percent of their high school classmates.

"The fathers said, Look, I did everything the law expected me to do, but this is where the road ends," Dr. Wallerstein said, noting that most support obligations expire when a child turns 18.

Dr. Hetherington found a similar lack of support, but not as widespread.

Only 35 percent of her divorced fathers paid absolutely nothing for their children's higher education. "Of course, you get much less financial support from a divorced father," she said. "The ones who stay in there are the ones have felt they have some control over the decision making in their kids' lives."

She finds reason for optimism, however, in her observation that today, about a third of divorced fathers are seeing their children at least once a week, compared with only a fourth of fathers in the 1970's. "They could do a lot better," Dr. Hetherington said, "but there is a trend in a good direction."

Children of divorce have more than the average difficulty with marriages of their own. Women in this group are twice as likely as other women to end up divorced, according to Dr. Glenn of the University of Texas. For men, the risk is 30 percent higher.

The reason for this increased risk, Dr. Wallerstein maintains, is that children of divorce have grown up without good role models.

When they, too, face divorce, she said, "It's the nightmare they've worried about come to life."

Dr. Hetherington questions whether the children's problems with marriage are entirely attributable to the parents' divorces. Perhaps the memories of the strife before the divorces also have an effect, she said. Or, perhaps the children are predisposed to unstable unions.

"I don't mean that there might be a divorce gene lurking somewhere," Dr. Hetherington said, "but that characteristics such as antisocial behavior, irritability, impulsivity, lack of adaptability, which we know have to some extent a genetic basis, contribute to divorce."

Other experts pay tribute to both Dr. Wallerstein and Dr. Hetherington, even as they line up on opposite sides of the argument.

"Mavis Hetherington is an outstanding scholar," said Dr. David Popenoe, director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. "Nobody is saying that her data is off. But just because you are functioning seemingly well in later life, does that mean you still haven't been hurt and maybe hurt badly in some psychological way by divorce?"

Dr. Kyle D. Pruett, a psychiatrist at the Yale Child Study Center, said: "I don't think one of these people is right and one is wrong. But I believe that the public would find it reassuring to have somebody of Mavis's stature say, `Look, divorce is a process, and you have some control in how it works out.' There are some good ways and bad ways of doing it, but it is not a relational death sentence to the children or to the adults."

A teenage girl is standing at your backdoor. As you open the door you see the tear-streaked face. You invite her in and offer her a coke. You sit across the kitchen table from her. After some small talk, she finally blurts out her real concern: “Three members of my family are suing for divorce at the same time. Rick has moved out from his wife to live with a girlfriend. His wife started running around and got pregnant. Now she has moved back home from her parents who promise to stand by her. She considered an abortion, but decided that it would tear up her folks more than having a baby. She was in nurses training, and now her mother is going to have to keep the baby while she finishes school. The other two divorces are messy and bitter. Divorce is tearing our family apart,” she sighs.

“And another of the boys married a woman who’s become obsessed with the bottle. One day I said to him, ‘Dee, she’s in jail for drunkenness and car theft all over the country. Do you think there’s any hope? Why don’t you divorce her?’ ‘Oh, I couldn’t do that,’ he said. ‘She’s been a wild rascal, but she’s going to be better now. This time when she gets out of jail, I think she’ll straighten up.’ But again and again his high hopes are disappointed. Time and again her human frailty and fickleness have let him down.”

And so, your young neighbor friend pours out her heartache and her disappointment. When she finally runs out of words, you say, “Why don’t we talk to God about it.” She smiles, nods, you both bow your heads and begin to pray for her family....

Why does human sin and weakness seem to shake and shatter our families? Does God really stand by us, strong, sympathetic, and sure? The neighbor girl dries her tears, looks into your face, and smiles. “God always comes through. He’s the one certain thing. His love stands secure. You can count on him. God is stable and constant,” she says.

========

Where can you find lasting love? Where can you live safe form human whim, human fickleness, human weakness, and sin? Where can you find this constant and unchanging love?

Dixie joined your brother’s family just before her fifth birthday. Her bar-hopping parents couldn’t be bothered with little girls, so the court forced them to give up their two cute kids. At her new home, she warned her little sister, “Be good, because this is a lot better than we used to have it. You don’t remember how hungry we were. Nothing in the house to eat but cardboard with catsup on it.”

Your brother and his wife adopted the girls, and all went well for nearly ten years. Then Dixie began to respond to the boys. She’s run away from home and be gone for several days. Her frantic parents would find her, and she’d stay home for a few weeks. A new boyfriend and away she’s go again.

Finally a psychologist consoled them, “Don’t blame yourselves as parents. That pretty girl has been hurt and deserted so much as a child, and that’s all she knows. Hurt and desertion.”

Hurt and desertion. By the time she was seventeen, she was married, and after a year or so she began having children. By twenty-five she was bored and ready to move on. She left her husband and three children. Hurt and desertion all over again. The family knows she lives now in the twilight zone of the greater Chicago area. Nobody wants to talk about it. No one CAN talk about it without a wistful look and a sad, “If only...”

========

Jim is a business man in his mid-forties. His company sends him to Japan a few times a year. He’ unfaithful to his wife. He wants to be free, so he divorces his Christian wife of twenty-five years. She cries a lot and prays. But he is gone from her. He loves Haruka, a young, pretty Japanese girl, he says. His company continues to send him to the Far East on business. He can pick up the affair with the woman in Japan each time he visits Tokyo. Haruka sends word she is going to have a baby. Jim cables her some money. Jasmine, a black-haired baby girl is born. Jim sends them a small allowance.

Suddenly one day back in Chicago Jim is taken violently ill. Doctors discover he has a rapidly spreading form of cancer. Surgery and chemotherapy don’t help very much and Jim grows weaker. He realizes he won’t live more than a few weeks. Mutual friends tell Helen, Jim’s ex-wife. She went through the stages of anger and grief when Jim left. Still she can’t forget she’s a Christian.

One day Helen appears at Jim’s bedside in the hospital. She and Jim try to talk, but it is difficult. Finally Jim breaks down and cries, asking for her forgiveness. Helen gropes for words. “Is there anything I can do?” she finds herself asking.

“It’s Haruka and Jasmine,” Jim whispers. “I’ve spent all my money on doctors and hospitals. I don’t know what will happen to them. All my insurance is still being left to you.”

Helen can’t answer. She leaves Jim’s hospital room and struggles in prayer for several days. A few days before Jim dies, she writes to Haruka inviting them to come to Chicago to live with her. A month after Jim’s funeral a moving scene takes place at O’Hare Airport. Helen takes into her arms a fragile Japanese girl and a frightened child. She welcomes them as family. Helen has made a home for them. Every day she thanks God for the way she has learned to appreciate His undeserved mercy, His constant love.

========

Barney lived as a bachelor with his widowed mother until he was nearly forty. Sometimes on summer Sunday nights he’d visit the country church. After service a neighbor family, the Hendricksons, would pick him up as bowed legs carried him homeward along the gravel road. He’d jump on the running board and crowd his shoulders into their family Ford. Barney’d talk with his neighbor about crops and the weather. When they’d near his driveway, he’d step off onto the roadside and slow himself to a walk. Then he’d shout out into the night, “Much obliged.”

When the Hendricksons got home the kids would climb the stairway to their bedroom muttering under their breath, “Much obliged.” The next day they’d walk through the grass in their bare feet imitating Barney’s awkward, undulating strides. They’d repeat his quaint phrase, “Much obliged; Much obliged,” just to get the feel of the words.

Barney hunted a lot. He trapped fox, raccoon, and muskrats. At one youth meeting he surprised everybody when he won a contest by tucking a pillow under his chin and crowding it down into a pillow-case faster than anybody else could do it. He visited the long, loud meetings at the town hall when some Pentecostal preacher came through the area.

It was on one of those occasions that Barney’s eyes fell on the face of a bouncy sixteen-year-old; she swooned. Everybody around knew her... wild, wicked, and almost unwanted. But she and Barney fell in love and were married.

The community responded secretly, but loudly. You could hear the dynamite, the cowbells, the dishpans, and the big bangs of shotguns in the night. That was their way of wishing them well. The called it a belling or a shivaree. The whole neighborhood gathered around to get a piece of candy. As a status symbol, Barney’s blow-out was a block buster.

Barney bought an old adjacent farm from seventy-year-olds, Al and Alice. They watched over the growing children who came along in the house Barney built. They were company for the kids and their mother while Barney worked in town. Men from near and far started to visit Al and Alice. They’d chat a little, then say, “I guess I’ll drop in next door for a minute.” Barney’s wife would send the kids out to play for twenty minutes or so and then the men would go their way.

She began hitchhiking. She’d leave Barney and the kids for a week or two at a time. One day she went away and never bothered to come back. Barney rose earlier, packed school lunches, fixed breakfast, washed and mended their clothes. He was both father and mother to the brood.

On Wednesday evening he’s pack the motherless children into the car and go to the town hall for prayer meeting. He had to say “Much obliged” to God. When his teenagers were nearly self-sufficient, the doctors discovered Barney was born with only one kidney. His health failed, and he came to the University Hospital. It wasn’t long, however, until he died. They buried him on the lonely ridge where he had buried his dreams of a happy family fifteen long years before.