77 Sermon Illustrations on Sorrow

Sermon on the stages of grief.

Psalm 31:5-16

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STAGES OF GRIEF

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I. Grief has an impact on every person.

A. Funeral for unnamed baby found in Ledgewood.

B. Often grief is more public.

C. Grief is a serious matter.

D. We must prepare ourselves to be realistic about grief.

II. Blessed are those who mourn. Matt 5:4

A. Our culture doesn't value mourning.

B. Jesus mourned.

C. Christians mourn.

D. We don't always mourn the right way.

III. Recognizing sorrow.

A. Sorrow is the sadness due to a loss.

B. Despair is the loss of all confidence or hope.

C. Self-pity is the self-indulgent lingering on sorrow.

IV. Drinking the cup of sorrow.

A. Grief comes in different quantities, but is always limited.

B. We cannot feel God's comfort until we have felt our sorrow.

V. Psychologists divide the grieving process into four stages.

A. Numbness.

B. Searching and yearning.

C. Disorientation.

D. Reorganization.

VI. Allow others to grieve.

A. We cannot judge when another person has cried enough or

B. There is a place for grief in God's presence.

VII. The Church must minister to those who grieve.

A. Three out of every four women will be a widow.

B. Those who have grieved can give comfort to others. 2 Cor 1:4

C. Grieving people are open to the promises of God.

#2493

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A newspaper reporter in Chicago received a telephone call. It was from a man named James Lee, and he said he was sending the newspaper a letter containing the story of his suicide. Immediately the reporter tried to trace the call. But he was too late. When the police arrived, the young man was slumped in the booth with a bullet through his head.

In one of his pockets, they found a child’s crayon drawing. It was all wrinkled up and faded, but obviously the man treasured it. On the back of it a note said: “Please leave this in my pocket. I want to have it buried with me.” The drawing was signed by his little daughter, Shirley, who had been killed in a fire just five months before.

When she died, Lee had been so full of grief, he asked total strangers to attend her funeral so she would have a nice service. He told them there was no family left because Shirley’s mother had been dead ever since the child was two years old.

James Lee could not handle the despair, so he took his life.

Personal testimony of impact the mission trip had on me. We shared our

lives with the Dominicans and they reciprocated. We worked, rejoiced, and

mourned with them. They are a strict church and a witnessing church. [1472]

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I. Three out of every four women will be a widow. We must learn to deal with those who grieve.

A. LaVonne Neff told a close friend that she was writing an article

about widows, the friend responded,

"Tell your readers that widowhood has little to recommend it.

I still miss my husband dreadfully."

B. Newspaper poll disparaged grieving. [see #2495]

C. Glen Davidson divides the grieving process into four stages.

1) The first stage, numbness, lasts about two weeks.

a) You feel stunned.

b) You do not really feel they are dead.

c) Everything seems unreal.

2) Numbness soon gives way to searching and yearning.

a) You become restless and impatient.

b) There may be feelings of anger and guilt, that you don't

understand.

1> Anger needs to be allowed to come out.

One young couple refused to admit their anger when

their five-year-old daughter died.

Within six months they were divorced.

Within a year the woman was in a mental hospital.

If the anger doesn't come, healing can't take place.

2> Guilt can be even harder to handle.

A> The past cannot be rewritten.

B> Some guilt is for sin and needs forgiveness.

C> Other guilt occurs even though you have done the

best you could.

3) After about five months, the disorientation phase begins.

a) You become disorganized, depressed, acutely aware of

your loss.

b) If the anger and guilt have not been dealt with, they

weigh you down. You may gain or lose many pounds.

Actress Helen Hayes described her first two years of

widowhood:

"I was just as crazy as you can be and still be at large."

c) The disorientation can last as long as 2 or 3 years.

4) Reorganization is the last phase.

a) Concentration gets better. Judgment improves.

b) Normal eating and sleeping patterns return.

c) Joy returns.

II. Good friends can make a difference.

III. Faith in God is the ultimate refuge.

A. The Apostle Paul wrote, "Brothers, we do not grieve like the

rest of men, who have no hope." 1 Thess 4:13

B. One widow said, Life's crises must be terrible for people who

don't have Jesus for a friend.

He certainly got me through a difficult time.

#2496

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Mourning can have positive results in that it drives us to God and inspires us to help others.

A. Blessed are those who mourn. — – Matt 5:4

1) Our culture doesn’t value mourning.

2) Kingdom people mourn.

a) When the poor in spirit, having given up on themselves and their attempts to find happiness, turn in humility toward God, they discover they have been seized -wholly seized- by the grace of God.

• We cannot live under God’s authority in a sinful world without mourning.

• Our hearts need to break with the things that break God’s heart.

b) Mourning, not moaning.

B. Jesus wept over Lazarus.

1) Mourners are more likely to become instruments of God’s healing in this world.

2) Behind every hospital and hospice was someone who mourned.

a) They hurt enough to do something about it.

b) Candy Lightner mourned the death of her daughter and formed MADD – Mothers Against Drunk Driving.*

Rev. James Gilkey sighed as he put down the letter. It was the second such letter in a week. This one was from a girl whose fiance, a naval officer in the Pacific, had been killed in action; and she was anguished and bitter, her faith shaken. She had lost everything, she wrote. Life no longer had any meaning for her. How could she go on when the person she loved and needed most was gone? How could she ever have faith in anything any more? This letter touched him profoundly. “Please help me!” the girl had begged. “Tell me what to do...” He wrote to her the following:

Misfortune cannot be conquered by furious and continuing resentment. It can be conquered only by quiet acquiescence. We win victory over bereavement only when we face our loss, accept our loss, and then make our way through and beyond our loss. You ask how we make our way through it and beyond it? We do so by deliberately re-entering the world of daily activity - the busy world of problems, duties, friendships, opportunities, satisfactions. An immolated, resentful, self-pitying life is a doomed life. Only the life which deliberately picks up and starts again is victorious.

In New York Harbor, between Manhattan Island and Staten Island, is a sunken shoal called Robbins Reef. A small lighthouse stands there, and for many years the keeper was an elderly widow, Mrs. Jacob Walker. One day she told her story to a reporter, who gave it to the world.

“I was a young girl living at Sandy Hook, New Jersey,” she said, “when I first met my husband. He was keeper of the Sandy Hook Light, and took me there as his bride. I was happy there, for the lighthouse was on land and I could have a garden and raise flowers. Then one day we were transferred here -to Robbins Reef. As soon as we arrived I said to my husband, ‘I can’t stay here! The sight of water wherever I look makes me too lonesome. I won’t unpack....’ But somehow all the trunks and boxes got unpacked.

“Four years later my husband caught cold while tending the light. The cold turned to pneumonia, and they took him to the infirmary on Staten Island.

“I stayed behind to tend the light. A few nights later I saw a rowboat coming through the darkness. Something told me the message it was bringing. The man in the boat said, ‘We’re sorry, Mrs. Walker, but your husband’s worse.’ ‘You mean he’s dead,” I answered; and there was no reply.

“We buried my husband on a hillside on Staten Island. Every morning when the sun comes up I stand at a porthole and look across the water toward his grave. Sometimes the hill is green, sometimes it is brown, sometimes it is white with snow. But it always brings a message form him - something I heard him say more often than anything else. Just three words - ‘Mind the light!’”

Facing a loss, accepting a loss, then re-entering life and so moving through and beyond the loss - there is the first secret of managing bereavement. A SELF-PITYING LIFE IS A DOOMED LIFE. ONLY THE LIFE WHICH DELIBERATELY PICKS UP AND STARTS OVER AGAIN IS VICTORIOUS.

When Southern Baptist evangelist Richard Coss returns to his home church Monday morning, April 24, it won't be a happy occasion. The former staff prison minister of First Southern Baptist of suburban Del City will be preaching the funeral of his two grandchildren. Chase Smith, 3, and his 2-year-old brother, Colton, were killed in the bomb blast at the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building. Their parents' grief will be closely felt by the congregation, where Edye Smith and her brother, Danny, both grew up. Coss said the family has printed 900 copies of the obituary to distribute to relatives and friends.

"People have asked me if I can preach my grandson's funeral; I know I can," said Coss, who lives in Gulf Shores, Alabama. "I want to preach it because I knew them. I'll probably cry through it but I'll make it."

Chase and Colton Smith were a pair of happy, blonde-headed boys. Their father, Tony, had started his own heating and air conditioning business a year ago, while Edye has worked for the Internal Revenue Service for three years.

In a crash of emotions, the family went from a tremendous high to the worst low in one day. The day before the boys died, the Smiths had taken them to show them the two-bedroom brick house they had just closed on and would soon become their new home.

Richard Coss was conducting a citywide revival near Topeka, Kan., when the horrible news flashed on television Wednesday. He shook his head in disbelief, thinking maybe there was another federal building that had been hit. Not only did Edye work nearby, so did his daughter-in-law, Kathy, a federal parole officer.

Danny Coss, 28, is a police officer in the suburb of Yukon. All of that city's force was dispatched to the crime scene. During his search of the rubble, Danny found one of his nephews. Though a Marine Corps veteran and a police officer, he told his father, "It's the worst thing I've ever seen. I don't ever want to do it again. I don't want to talk about it again."

"Everybody's kids are neat, but they were happy, little comedians and so photogenic," said Richard. "They had been down to see us recently and I had grandfather plans for them. I hunt and camp and I was looking forward to taking them camping and hiking. You think you've cried all you can and then you see a picture or something... ."

Although he buried his parents and some friends and preached many funerals because of his work, Coss said this is the hardest thing he has ever faced. His faith has been crucial in helping him through the tragedy, he said, as well as the Lord's message that came in prayer, "Be strong for the family." His wife, Phyllis, also flew in on the first available flight, and they have been shopping, running errands and making sure there's enough food on hand for the steady stream of visitors at the Smiths' home. He also counseled his daughter and son-in-law to look at the boys' picture, talk about them and cry.

"She breaks down every time," he said, including an appearance on NBC's "Today Show" Friday, April 21. "But she's getting it out."

Coss said he hasn't grasped God's providence in the situation and hasn't even tried. But the words of Romans 8:28 -- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (NIV) -- have been particularly helpful.

God is sovereign and has a plan, the evangelist said. While he doesn't understand it at the moment, he said he knows somehow good will emerge from the situation. Talking about how his children grew up in the country, away from crime and drugs, he said the Lord may have spared Chase and Colton from some of the grief the survivors must face before Jesus returns. "If Romans 8:28 were the only verse we had in the Bible, we could work through all our problems in life if we believed it," Coss said. "John 14:27 is another good one: 'Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you, I do not give you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.' Jesus has promised us peace."

In his prayers, he has asked God to comfort the mothers of the children who were killed in the blast, which he said looked more like a plane dropped a bomb on the building than ground-level destruction. He's also tried to "just be there" to listen, and many grieving residents have taken advantage of his offer.

On the positive side, this catastrophe has driven many people into churches of all denominations, he said, listing Methodist, Southern Baptist, Assembly of God and Mennonite. Come Sunday, most will be packed; many people have already sought comfort in nightly prayer services, according to Coss.

The Southern Baptist Brotherhood's presence has also been felt. The evangelist visited their emergency feeding operation on Thursday night, when the rescue unit served 800 meals in downtown Oklahoma City.

"It's sad that people wait for a tragedy but it's brought a lot of people together," he said. "The outpouring has been tremendous. The boys' funeral expenses have already been taken care of; people and companies have been donating cash to help the kids. Calls have been coming from all over the country, flowers are coming, food is coming. It's been tremendous."

Coss said he knows the days just ahead won't be easy to get through, but he will try to maintain an optimistic outlook. As he told his daughter, who turned 23 on Friday, "I'm sure there will be better birthdays."

Many years ago, a first-year representative to the New York State Assembly received a telegram at his Albany office commanding, "Come home now!" Just the day before, his wife had given birth to a baby girl. After a five-hour train trip to his home in New York City, the man was greeted by his brother with this sad lament: “There's a curse on this house.”

The new father dashed to their bedroom, where he found his wife, Alice, dying. Holding her, he could be heard pleading, “Let her live, let her live.” At one point during that long night, someone slipped into the bedroom and whispered into the man's ear: “If you want to see your mother, Martha, before she dies, you should come downstairs now.” The man walked down a flight of stairs to his mother's room, where he sat with her until she died at 3:00 A.M.

Returning upstairs, the man then held his wife until she also died the following afternoon. Before the man went to bed that night, he opened his daily diary and slashed a huge “X” across that day's page and scribbled, “The light has gone out in my life.” The date was February 14, 1884, Valentine's Day. Two days later, the man followed identical rosewood caskets down the aisle of the same church in which he had married Alice four years earlier. The sanctuary was packed with some of New York City's most distinguished citizens.

During the funeral service, even the minister wept as he tried to offer words of hope to the grieving son and husband. After the service, the man had to be led like a child to and from the graves in Greenwood Cemetery. Friends described him as being dazed, stunned. Others said, “He does not know what he does or says.” Many concluded that the twin blows of death would leave him with permanent emotional damage.

Yet the man who experienced such a devastating Valentines Day did recover from those losses. Over time, his wounded heart healed. He would marry again, serve as assistant secretary of the navy and governor of New York, and become President of the United States. Teddy Roosevelt is an excellent example of the truth that all of us can rise above suffering, that wounded hearts can be mended, and that life can be good in spite of harsh blows.

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Source: Signs of the Times, Copyright (c) March 2005, Pacific Press, http://www.signstimes.com

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[the previous illustration at this number was added to HolwickID #19087]

Seeking -- and finding -- positive meaning in grief may boost the immune system. There's a lot of evidence that stressful life events can harm a person's health.

There's also a lot of evidence that people are capable of amazing resilience. Many people thrive after surviving tragedy.

Why? Many things must be involved. Julienne E. Bower, PhD, and colleagues at the University of California, Los Angeles, looked at one of them. They studied 43 women who had just lost a close relative to breast cancer. They also looked at a set of important immune cells -- natural killer cells -- in the women's blood.

Bower and colleagues found the women who placed the most importance on cultivating relationships, personal development, and striving for meaning in life had the most active immune cells. And over a four-week period, women who came to see these goals as more important had improved immune function.

“This study supports the possibility that a generalized form of goal engagement -- one relevant to more intrinsic goals, such as finding meaning -- may have positive [effects on immunity],” Bower and colleagues write in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine.

The women were divided into two groups at the beginning of the study. Every week, one group wrote about the death of their relative while the other group wrote about non-emotional things such as their plans for the day. Women who wrote down their feelings did not have better immune function.

The next step will be to uncover the ways in which “finding meaning gets under the skin and influences the immune system,” Bower says in a news release.

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SOURCES: Annals of Behavioral Medicine, Volume 25, Number 2, 2003. News Release, Health Behavior News Service. © 2003 WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.

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[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate of HolwickID #4265]

In 1858 Scottish missionary John G. Paton and his wife sailed for the New Hebrides (now called Vanuatu). Three months after arriving on the island of Tanna, his wife died. One week later his infant son also died. Paton was plunged into sorrow. Feeling terribly alone, and surrounded by savage people who showed him no sympathy, he wrote, “Let those who have ever passed through any similar darkness as of midnight feel for me. As for all others, it would be more than vain to try to paint my sorrows. But for Jesus, and [His] fellowship — I [would] have gone mad and died.”

When death takes a precious loved one, the Lord comforts His own in a special way with the fellowship of His presence. It’s a comfort in sorrow that the world knows nothing about. And this consolation reinforces in our heart the hope of the coming again of Christ described in I Thessalonians 4.

Dr. R. A. Torrey was one of the great Bible teachers of a past

generation and founder of the Bible Institute of Los Angeles (BIOLA

University). He and Mrs. Torrey went through a time of great

heartache when their twelve-year-old daughter was accidentally

killed. The funeral was held on a gloomy, miserable, rainy day. They

stood around the grave and watched as the body of their little girl

was put away. As they turned away, Mrs. Torrey said, "I'm so glad

that Elisabeth is with the Lord, and not in that box."

But even knowing this to be true, their hearts were broken. Dr.

Torrey said that the next day, as he was walking down the street, the

whole thing broke anew - the loneliness of the years ahead without her

presence, the heartbreak of an empty house, and all the other

implications of her death. He was so burdened by this that he looked

to the Lord for help. He said, "And just then, this fountain, the

Holy Spirit that I had in my heart, broke forth with such power as I

think I had never experienced before, and it was the most joyful

moment I had ever known in my life! Oh, how wonderful is the joy of

the Holy Ghost! It is an unspeakable glorious thing to have your joy

not in things about you, not even in your most dearly loved friends,

but to have within you a fountain ever springing up, springing up,

springing up, always springing up three hundred and sixty-fine days in

every year, springing up under all circumstances unto everlasting

life!"

I'M FREE

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Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free

I'm following the path God laid for me.

I took his hand when I heard him call

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way.

I found that place at the close of the day.

If my parting has left a void

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss.

Ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.

Be not burdened with time of sorrow.

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I savored much.

Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me.

God wanted me now, he set me free.

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Every once in a while the sun decides to take a vacation for a few days. Recently, we had one of those stretches of weather when we didn't see the old boy for the better part of a week. It was just one rainy day after another. Everyone around here and everything around here was soaked. I was running into our Headquarters one morning at the same time as one of my co-workers, and we were both trying to avoid getting drenched in the process. I made some comment about the relentless rain, but he was looking at a little bigger picture than I was. Remembering last summer's withering drought, he said, "This is going to be good for us later on."

Well, I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A WORD WITH YOU today about "When The Rain Just Won't Stop."

You may be going through one of those seasons in your life when the "rain" never seems to stop. It's been stress, bad news, struggle - maybe disappointment, confusion, grief. We all take our turn facing those seasons when we keep waking up to another rainy day.

Our word for today from the Word of God has been, for 2,000 years, a bright light for dark days. The well-worn words of Romans 8:28 have helped millions of believers see a bigger picture when it seemed as if it would never stop raining. As familiar as you may be with these words, they may literally have your name on them for this particular season of your life. Listen to them with your heart - "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

One great saint described Romans 8:28 as "a soft pillow for a long night." I hope you will let it be that for you. Because it gives you God's ironclad assurance that there is meaning in what you're going through ... that there is a holy purpose for God either sending or allowing those things in your life. His purpose for our dark times is seldom explained, but it's always there. No, it doesn't say everything is good here - it says everything is being worked together for good. For your good, if you're one of those who love Him.

So you can say - no matter how many days it's been raining - "This is going to be good for us later on." God simply wouldn't let this happen if it wasn't going to be good for you later on. Romans 8:29 tells us that the ultimate good God is going to bring out of this is to make you more like His Son. I believe God shapes and allows the circumstances to come into our life that will best develop some quality of Jesus in us. There's nothing greater God could do for you than to plant in you the way Jesus loves people ... the way Jesus treats people ... the way Jesus is patient with people ... the way Jesus understands what a hurting person is going through ... the kind of bondedness Jesus had with His Father.

And it may take a lot of rainy days for God to make you the man or woman He created you and redeemed you to be. He's toughening you ... or maybe tenderizing you ... purging you of old ways of doing things ... squeezing you into new and better priorities ... sensitizing you to people you've hurt or neglected ... moving you to burn some old bridges or to treat some old wounds. What gets you through the rainy days is the calm assurance that "God is working all this together for my good ... to make a better me."

Are you going to enjoy one rainy day after another? Not necessarily. But it sure helps to see them in the big picture perspective. God is using these days to prepare you for better days ahead. So, if you got up this morning and found that it was raining again, lean hard on Romans 8:28 - and say, with all the confidence of a blood-bought child of God, "This is going to be very good for us later on."

________________

Copyright © Ron Hutchcraft Ministries, Inc., PO Box 400, Harrison, AR 72602. Used by permission. Written by Ron Hutchcraft. "Practical Answers to Real Life Issues"

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Sorrow

By Abraham Lincoln

In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all,

and it often comes with bitter agony.

Perfect relief is not possible,

except with time.

You cannot now believe that you will ever feel better.

But this is not true.

You are sure to be happy again.

Knowing this,

truly believing it,

will make you less miserable now.

I have had enough experience to make this statement.

=======================

A more complete version from http://showcase.netins.net/web/creative/lincoln/speeches/mccull.htm

LETTER TO FANNY McCULLOUGH

Lincoln wrote this touching letter of condolence to the daughter of his long-time friend, William McCullough. During Lincoln's law circuit days, McCullough was sheriff and clerk of the McLean County Circuit Court in Bloomington, Illinois. Early in the Civil War he helped organize the Fourth Illinois Cavalry, which he served as Lieutenant Colonel. On December 5, 1862, he was killed during an night charge near Coffeeville, Mississippi.

Executive Mansion,

Washington, December 23, 1862.

Dear Fanny

It is with deep grief that I learn of the death of your

kind and brave Father; and, especially, that it is

affecting your young heart beyond what is common in such

cases. In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and,

to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it

takes them unawares. The older have learned to ever expect

it. I am anxious to afford some alleviation of your present

distress. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time.

You can not now realize that you will ever feel better. Is

not this so? And yet it is a mistake. You are sure to be

happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will

make you some less miserable now. I have had experience

enough to know what I say; and you need only to believe it,

to feel better at once. The memory of your dear Father,

instead of an agony, will yet be a sad sweet feeling in

your heart, of a purer and holier sort than you have known

before.

Please present my kind regards to your afflicted mother.

Your sincere friend

A. Lincoln

*

“I tell the truth in Christ, I am not lying, my conscience also bearing me witness in the Holy Spirit, that I have great sorrow and continual grief in my heart.” (Romans 9:1-2 NKJV)

The Apostle’s Anxiety

• I…not — 2 Cor 12:19, 11:31, Gal 1:20, Rom 1:9, Phil 1:8, 2 Cor 1:23 — a most strong and positive asseveration. “It is of the nature of an oath.” (Macknight)

• conscience…Ghost [Spirit] — internal testimony of Holy Ghost enlightening and confirming conscience (Bengel)

• heaviness [sorrow] — i.e., for his brethren, verses 3-4

• continual — Rom 10:1, Ps 119:136, Jer 9:1, Ezek 9:4, Luke 19:41 — not only great, but unceasing

Our duty towards the Jews — Rev. C. Simeon, M.A.

I. The distinguished privileges of the Jewish people.

II. The deep concern which we should feel for them. In considering the Apostle’s words concerning them, it will be proper to notice –

1. What is implied in them;

2. What is expressed.

Love of truth — Park, in his travels through Africa, relates that a party of armed Moors having made a predatory attack on the flocks of a village at which he was stopping, a youth of the place was mortally wounded in the affray. The natives placed him on horseback, and conducted him home; while his mother preceded the mournful group, proclaiming all the excellent qualities of her boy, and, by her clasped hands and streaming eyes, manifesting the inward bitterness of her soul. The quality for which she chiefly praised the boy formed of itself an epitaph so noble, that even civilised life could not aspire to a higher. “He never,” said she, with pathetic energy, “never, never told a lie!”

Five Ways to Help a Hurting Friend:

1. Give lots of hugs. Almost always, a hug is better than words.

2. Write notes of encouragement. The simple notes of support I received after my miscarriage meant so much! They also provided an unexpected bridge into the lives of friends who'd suffered similar losses. I still take out the cards and letters and re-read them when I'm feeling down.

3. Acknowledge the loss. Author Rebecca Faber, in A Mother's Grief Observed, comments on people's tendency to avoid talking about painful things. In the months following the death of her toddler, William, she found that people were afraid to mention his name. One friend explained why: If Rebecca had momentarily forgotten the pain, they didn't want to make her feel bad again. She writes, “What people forget is that you never forget. The grief is always in your face, always there. It's far better for them to speak and show they care.”

The flip side of this is to be sensitive to avoid such phrases as “At least now you know you can get pregnant!” “Those statements are anything but comforting to grieving parents,” says Jennifer Saake, founder of Hannah's Prayer. “In fact, any statement containing an 'at least ... ' sentiment is inappropriate because you're minimizing another's pain. Simply say, 'I'm sorry you're having to go through this.'“

4. Be selective in sharing your story. After my miscarriage, it seemed that almost every woman I knew told me that she, too, had experienced a miscarriage. In a way, that was encouraging; it showed me I wasn't alone. But frankly, when people with broods of healthy children told me about the miscarriages they'd had years ago, it was little comfort to me right then. There may be times when your story will help your friend—but don't automatically assume she wants to hear it.

5. Be sensitive to her feelings if you become pregnant or adopt a child. When my friend Becky became pregnant not long after my miscarriage, she knew it could be difficult for me. I so appreciated her loving gesture of telling me her exciting news before making it public. While it was hard to watch Becky's belly expand during the following months, her sensitivity to my feelings made such a difference in my ability to cope with it. Now that she has a healthy son, she allows me to set the pace in interacting with him, knowing some days it's fine, and other days it hurts. Don't take it personally if sometimes your infertile friend simply can't bear to be around you and your little bundle of joy.

Be careful, too, about complaining. It's natural to joke about the trials and tribulations of motherhood—morning sickness, potty training, and all the rest. But remember, your good-natured banter might be painful to a friend who longs for a child.

*

“Prosperity, pleasure and success, may be rough of grain and common in fibre, but sorrow is the most sensitive of all created things.”

Those are the words of the famed pleasure seeker Oscar Wilde. In his De Profundis, written in prison, he described with profound earnestness how much sorrow had taught him. He went on to add, “Where there is sorrow there is holy ground. Some day people will realize what that means. They will know nothing of life till they do.”

As I reflect on those words, I first take note of the one who wrote them. A life of pain was the farthest thing from Oscar Wilde's mind when he made his choices. In that sense, none of us would ever choose sorrow. But I take note of something else: He says that sorrow is holy ground and until we learn this we do not know what living means. What he means at the very least is that some of life's most sacred truths are learned in the midst of sorrow. Wilde himself learned that raw unadulterated pleasure for pleasure's sake is never fulfilling pleasure. Violation of the sacred in the pursuit of happiness is not truly a source of happiness. In fact, it kills happiness because it can run roughshod over many a victim. Pleasure that profanes is pleasure that destroys.

Sorrow, on the other hand, while never pursued, comes into one's life and compels us to see our own finitude and frailty. It demands of us seriousness and tenderness if we are to live life the way it is meant to be lived. One of the most important things sorrow does is show us what it needs and responds to. Wilde said it himself: “Sorrow is a wound that bleeds when any hand but that of love touches it, and even then must bleed again, though not in pain.”

You know, of all the descriptions given about Jesus, one of those that stands out is the one uttered by the prophet Isaiah. Speaking of Christ, the prophet says: “He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” (53:3a).

Maybe you are at a time in your life when hurt is writ large upon your thoughts. The Lord Jesus is not unacquainted with your pain. In fact, he draws near particularly with a hand of love. Your wound may still bleed for a while to remind you of your weakness. But he can carry you in strength and help you bear the pain. This could be holy ground for you.

________

Copyright © 2004 Ravi Zacharias International Ministries (RZIM). Reprinted with permission. "A Slice of Infinity" is a radio ministry of Ravi Zacharias International Ministries.

Psalm 43: 2, 5 — Down / Up « Leader information shown in this fashion »

A. Down, verse 2 (NKJV): “For You are the God of my strength; Why do You cast me off? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”

1. There are times when every Christian has felt this way

a. we know in our heart that God is our S « trength » _________

b. but, because the E « nemy » _______ has defeated us in some encounter « – perhaps we have succumbed to his temptation or we have experienced some set-back in life: sickness, loss, or other problems – » and we go about M « ourning » ________ or sorrowing or complaining

c. and maybe thinking that God has C « ast » ______ us off

2. Psalm 42 and 43 form a pair « – perhaps they were originally one – » with a chorus in 42:5, 42:11 and 43:5

B. Up, verse 5 (NKJV): “Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.”

1. so, here is the chorus: David in the midst of his pleading and praying for deliverance and help, in the midst of questioning God stops and questions himself, questions his own soul

a. so his question changes from why has God C « ast » _____ him off, to why is his soul C « ast » _____ down – and the expected answer is … « that it shouldn’t be cast down! »

b. and further more, he asks himself, why am I disquieted or W « orried » ________ and A « nxious » ________ – again, the expected answer is … « that I shouldn’t be disturbed, etc »

2. why this change?

a. we can have H « ope » ____ in God

b. we will have reason to P « raise » ______ God

c. we have turned our countenance or F « ace » _____ to « – that is, we are now looking at – » God « (note that hin 42:5, God has already turned His face toward us to help us!) »

When I answered my cell phone the voice on the other end didn’t sound human. I could not decipher who it was. “Calm down and speak slowly,” I repeated to no avail.

Finally, I recognized the desperate sobs of my sister-in-law, Gina. My face twisted in pain as I knew something terrible was about to rock my world.

“Benji’s not breathing!” Gina wailed, “His body is blue and he’s not breathing!”

“Oh! Jesus, please, Jesus!” my heart cried.

“I’ll meet you at the hospital,” I told her through a tightened throat.

As my vision blurred and my legs turned to clay, running to my car was like running under water. Everything was happening in slow motion and it seemed an eternity before I came to a screeching halt just outside the emergency room. I bolted past the front desk and charged through the double doors, knowing in my heart that my 10-week-old nephew had left this world forever.

Our families huddled together pleading with Jesus to “let this cup pass” as doctors and nurses worked for over an hour, trying to revive our beloved Benji. Then came the most dreadful, gut-wrenching words a parent could ever hear, “I’m sorry, we did everything we could. He’s gone.” Gina crumbled to the floor. Inhuman noises echoed from her throat as grief like I’ve never heard forced its way out. Pain so deep that it sucked the air from my lungs ravaged my body as I held Gina in my arms.

That was a few weeks ago. What has taken place since then is nothing short of a miracle. Gina and my brother, Steven, have experienced God’s grace at a level that is unknown to many. They have been embraced by the comforting arms of Jesus, sustained by the soothing Word of God, and filled with peace that passes understanding. Evidence of God’s grace, poured out, was seen during the funeral, which was also Steven and Gina’s six-year anniversary.

As the same soloist that sang “There Is A Redeemer” on their wedding day sang it at their baby boy’s funeral, a comforting assurance washed over me. I knew that God was just as faithful now as He was then. The same Redeemer that celebrated in their joy is the same Redeemer that would sustain them in sorrow. The music played on, and when my precious sister-in-law tilted her head upward and lifted her hands to worship Jesus, God’s presence came down like I have never witnessed before.

The doctors said Benji died from SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). I say Benji’s heavenly Father looked upon his sleeping body that Thursday morning and proclaimed through tears of joy, “This one’s mine.” Not only has Benji traded the pain and suffering of this world for the magnificent glories of Heaven, but he has also been used more powerfully for God’s glory after a mere 10 weeks of life than most of us will be used in a lifetime.

Steven and Gina have glorified God in a way that would not have been possible had Benji remained on earth. As the co-owners of two popular restaurants in our community, people from all walks of life attended the funeral -- young and old, rich and poor, lost and saved. What they witnessed was not a family without hope. They saw much more than a young, grieving couple who would miss their baby boy in the painful days ahead. They saw a sovereign and faithful God who keeps His promises, a God who comforts those who mourn and gives hope to those who receive Him as Savior and Lord.

“I came to the funeral in such despair,” one woman shared, “but I left with such hope.”

“I want to know God the way your family knows Him,” said another.

“I never thought there was much to religion, but I saw something different than religion at Benji’s funeral,” admitted an acquaintance.

“I want to understand more about who God is,” explained a nurse.

Letters, phone calls and visitors have confirmed the beauty of God’s sovereignty, the goodness of His will and the perfection of His plan.

I am reminded of my 4-year-old niece’s words as she held my mother’s hand and stared at the tiny coffin that held her baby brother. It was shiny and white with lovely spring flowers draped over the top. With innocent curiosity and a knowing gleam in her eyes, she asked, “Nana, is that a present for Jesus?” As sure as any answer she’s ever given, my mother replied, “Yes, baby, it is ... it most certainly is.”

*

For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men. — Lamentations 3:33.

A godly brother declared he “could have done without many pleasures but could not have spared one sorrow.” Christ Himself, though “God’s well beloved and only begotten Son” yet learned obedience by the things which He suffered.

Each sorrow Thou hast sent to me

Has only drawn me nearer Thee,

Blest Saviour! taught my soul to hide,

In safety, in Thy wounded side. — Helen McDowell.

On June 13, 1858, Mark Twain’s younger brother Henry was severely injured in an explosion on the steamboat PENNSYLVANIA. Twain was reunited with Henry in Memphis two days after the explosion and nursed him for six days. Henry died on 21 June, one of some hundred who died from the explosion. On June 18 he wrote this letter to the wife of his brother Orion:

... lost and ruined sinner as I am — I, even I, have humbled

myself to the ground and prayed as never man prayed before, that

the great God might let this cup pass from me, — that he would

strike me to the earth, but spare my brother — that he would pour

out the fulness of his just wrath upon my wicked head, but have

mercy, mercy, mercy upon that unoffending boy. The horrors of

three days have swept over me — they have blasted my youth and

left me an old man before my time. Mollie, there are grey hairs

in my head to-night. For forty-eight hours I labored at the

bedside of my poor burned and bruised, but uncomplaining brother,

and then the star of my hope went out and left me in the gloom of

despair. Then poor wretched me, that was once so proud, was

humbled to the very dust, — lower than the dust — for the vilest

beggar in the streets of Saint Louis could never conceive of a

humiliation like mine. Men take me by the hand and CONGRATULATE

me, and call me “lucky” because I was not on the Pennsylvania

when she blew up! My God forgive them, for they know not what

they say.

________

Letter to Mollie Clemens, 18 June 1858

With prayer, ‘all things are possible,’ but sometimes depression requires additional action.

________

Years ago, a student of mine tried to explain that he had been too depressed to study and asked to be excused from a scheduled exam. I blew him off, telling him to get over it. Only hours afterward, he jumped to his death from a high-rise apartment building. The young man left behind a suicide note telling his parents that he just couldn’t endure the sadness that had been torturing his soul.

Never again would I take depression lightly. In religious circles, depression is often deemed to be a spiritual condition that can be cured with prayer. In many situations, those who suffer from depression are criticized for a lack of faith and told that if only they would yield to an infilling of the Holy Spirit, they would know “the joy of the Lord.”

I’m not denying that depression can be spiritually induced. Guilt from having wronged and hurt others can bring it on. A sense of having failed to live out the will of God can give rise to depression. Certainly the fear of death and what might follow can sap the joy out of life. In such cases, meditation on scripture (especially the Psalms), prayer, and other spiritual disciplines often can make available what the Bible calls “the balm of Gilead” that heals the sin-sick soul (Jeremiah 8:22).

LET’S OWN UP TO OUR RESPONSIBILITY

As we consider the causes of depression, those of us in the church must face the ways we might be responsible for creating it. Supposedly, we offer a gospel that delivers people from guilt, but often, when we think people do not feel guilty enough to take our gospel seriously, we preach to them in a way that makes them feel guilty. Sadly, we do a much better job of making people feel guilty than we do of delivering them from the guilt we create. We need to confess this and change our ways.

DEPRESSION IS A STATE OF MIND AND AND BODY

Often, we ignore the fact that our spiritual condition and psychological state of mind are highly affected by what is happening to us physically. Sometimes depression is simply the result of exhaustion. In 1 Kings 19, we read how the prophet Elijah, worn out from his struggles to defeat Jezebel and her prophets of the pagan deity Baal, is so depressed that he cries out to God to end his life. In response, God tells Elijah to eat a good meal and go to bed, and that he will feel differently in the morning. For those of us who are depressed because we’re not getting enough sleep (and most Americans don’t), it is a great comfort that we can take our burdens to Christ, and He will give us rest.

Diet and exercise also figure into our emotional and spiritual conditions. The Bible tells us that the body is “the temple of God” (1 Corinthians 6:19), and it is sad how badly most of us treat our bodies. How many of us would feel more spiritually alive and joyful if only we exercised and stopped dumping junk food into God’s temple? Big doses of chocolate bars can put us on a high, but we’ll experience a spiritual and psychological downtime a short time later.

Depression can also be brought on by chemical imbalances in the body. A person’s DNA can trigger chemical reactions that put him or her into an intensive funk. For women, the bodily changes that accompany menopause can bring on extreme depression. With prayer, “all things are possible,” but escaping from depression that is due to a chemical imbalance in the body through prayer alone is not probable. Those who try to dissuade religious people from getting medical help for clinical depression, claiming that faith alone is the cure, can do devastating harm. In many cases, a severe depression that lasts more than a few days is bio-physically based and requires medical treatment. This is certainly true for any who suffer from a bipolar condition. A psychiatrist is trained to diagnose both medical and mental causes of depression. To seek such treatment does not denote a lack of faith, but rather evidence of a willingness to take advantage of what God has made available to us through modern science.

LIFE CAN BE DEPRESSING

Sometimes people are depressed for no other reason than that they are in jobs that dehumanize them and leave them drained and disappointed. The meaninglessness that so many feel in their everyday work can create a deadness of the soul. If at all possible, these brothers and sisters must be helped to take the bold step of quitting jobs they find meaningless and finding vocations that will enable them to be fully alive during the workday, as well as in their leisure hours. Being devoid of vitality throughout the workday can dilute the energy that is needed to love, and without love depression is inevitable.

Also, enduring personal tragedies of one sort or another can drain the love of life out of our being. I hasten to add that in the midst of tragedy, mourning is a good and necessary thing — as long as it doesn’t go on endlessly. There should be a point at which a decision is made to move on from mourning and choose to be life-affirming once again.

CONSIDERING COUNSELING

Sometimes, what is most needed for the depressed is some good counseling from a psychotherapist. There are many deeply spiritual people who have found good counselors to be godsends, especially if the causes of depression lie in deep-seated and repressed memories of painful and traumatic past experiences. This is particularly true for persons who were sexually abused in childhood. Psychoanalysis can dig out of the subconscious such ugly realities so that they can be dealt with the effects negated. Counseling can be especially helpful when dealing with the anxieties that accompany times of hard decision-making. Such anxieties often leave persons immobilized and almost suicidal.

I have a friend who, after the death of her husband, struggled over whether or not to sell her house and move into a retirement home. This previously joyful woman was overwhelmed with depression until a counselor helped her weigh her options and make a decision. Once the decision was made, the deadness of her soul and the anxieties that had tortured her disappeared. Getting the right kind of counseling from the right kind of counselor is essential. It is a good idea to talk to your pastor, priest, or rabbi about whom to see for help. The best counseling is usually carried out in harmony with one’s own faith commitments. Make sure, therefore, that you and your proposed counselor are in agreement with basic beliefs and values.

Finally, it might be that in some cases overcoming depression requires nothing more than praying for the will to be joyful. There’s a woman I know whose health has failed in many ways. She can only breathe with the help of oxygen tanks; her husband has deserted her; she needs charity to survive. But she is determined to be happy — and she is. Lincoln once said that most people are about as happy as they decide to be. In the end, you may have to pray for the grace and courage to decide to say “yes” to life and, by so doing, prove to the world that you have indeed been saved: “by grace through faith.” To make such a decision is not to be a Pollyanna. It is willing to will the will of God.

I just wanted to make her smile once. That was all I wanted that Christmas. I wanted my wife to smile again.

Christmastime has taken a quantum leap toward the better in my family over the past few years. Our 2012 Christmas was mired in grief with few glimmers of glee. Today, it is conversely defined mostly by joy with sparse speckles of pain.

The climb out took time and a work of God’s Spirit through His Word in our hearts. God’s Word can do the same for you and I will share with you how. Just know first that you are not alone in your grief, friend. The Lord is near to you. He is close because of your pain, and He is trying to teach you something through it. He is pointing you to His saving Gospel.

“The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.” This exquisite passage from Psalm 34, verse 18, has been a salve to my heart many times. Now, I extend it to you. May you know that He is near. May He save you whose spirits are crushed. These incredible words of hope appear in the middle of the Bible and they extend a hand from God to those who are drowning in heartache. However, they do much more than that.

Psalm 34 was first written by David more than 1,000 years before Christ’s birth, but its full purpose was not realized until the first century when it was quoted by John as he wrote the New Testament Gospel that bears his name. In Psalm 34 as a whole, we see a picture of Jesus on the cross. This is especially remarkable when we consider that it was written centuries before the Romans developed crucifixion. Psalm 34 was a prophecy fulfilled by Jesus.

Now, I can hear the accusations of circular reasoning in showing how a prophecy made in the Bible is fulfilled in the Bible. However, these accusations fall flat when we understand that the Bible has not always existed as we know it today, bound in a single volume with both the Book of Psalms and the Gospel of John sharing one book spine. The Psalms existed in printed form on their own for over a millennium before John’s Gospel was written and the two did not appear together in a collection until well after Jesus’ ascension. There is a clear historical line between Psalm 34:20 and John 19:36. Thus, the reasoning here is linear and not circular.

In fact, that line has a purpose. The line begins at Psalm 34:16, connects to John 19:36, and now points squarely at you as you now read.

We have the Christmas story and the life of Jesus preserved in the Gospels for a purpose. John shared that purpose outright by writing directly to us in John 20:31: “But these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.” John wrote by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit and gave his firsthand account of what he saw as he stood by the cross.

He wrote straight to you when he penned John 19:33–36: “When they came to Jesus, they did not break his legs since they saw that he was already dead. But one of the soldiers pierced his side with a spear, and at once blood and water came out. He who saw this has testified so that you also may believe. His testimony is true, and he knows he is telling the truth. For these things happened so that the Scripture would be fulfilled: ‘Not one of his bones will be broken.’”

You see, the words of Psalm 34 are more than healing for your heart in this mere moment. They were part of God’s plan to heal your soul for eternity. They were words of prophecy foretelling what would happen centuries later to the Messiah as He took upon Himself the punishment for sin laid out by His own law.

I did eventually get my bride to smile that Christmas day after we buried our son Aiden. She smiled when I showed her a message I received from an old friend. He wrote, “I was watching the video of your son’s funeral. You quoted Psalm 34, so I looked it up. I read it and gave my life to God.”

The soul-piercing and life-giving words of Psalm 34 are alive and active today. That is why you are not alone this Christmas. God is near you, brokenhearted one. He is calling to you through His Word. Would you join Him there and listen?

In 2011, Dr. Marcia Angell began a two-part series in the New York Review of Books by writing, “It seems that Americans are in the midst of a raging epidemic of mental illness, at least as judged by the increase in the numbers being treated for it.”

Her use of the word “seems” told readers that Angell, who teaches at Harvard Medical School, was skeptical.

That’s putting it mildly. Obviously, Angell doesn’t doubt the reality of mental illness or the toll it takes on people. Her concern is that it is becoming “harder and harder to be normal.”

Case in point: A National Institutes of Mental Health survey of random adults found that 46 percent met the American Psychiatric Association’s criteria for mental illness at some point in their lives.

Angell calls this finding “astonishing” and asks the obvious question: “Why?”

One answer is the ever-expanding definition of “mental illness.” As Angell pointed out, back in 1968, within most Americans’ lifetimes, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the so-called “bible of psychiatry,” contained 185 diagnoses.

By 1980, it had risen to 265. The 2000 edition reported 365 and the next edition, to be published in 2013, will undoubtedly have more. Among possible new entries is something called “grieving disorder.”

When you think about it, the idea of grief as mental illness is absurd. As the British medical journal The Lancet put it, “Grief is not an illness; it is more usefully thought of as part of being human and a normal response to the death of a loved one.”

Grief is our response to loss and to reminders of our finitude. We grieve because on this side of eternity nothing good lasts forever.

While neither grief nor loss is good in and of themselves, the experience of them can be beneficial: It can help you gain perspective and can make us more resilient. I’m not denying that real suffering is involved, but even if we just muddle through the experience we can become stronger. I’ve given to many friends who are grieving a wonderful book by C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed.

Of course, there are people for whom grief turns into a debilitating downward spiral. They need and should get professional help. Some people may need medication, but The Lancet is right when it says that, in most cases, “doctors would do better to offer time, compassion, remembrance and empathy” instead of pills.

The journal is also correct when it says that classifying grief as mental illness is part of a larger pattern of “medicalizing” everyday experiences. Instead of being shy, people suffer from “social phobia;” people who were once called “jerks” are now described as having “antisocial personality disorder.”

This is, as Angell tells us, partly driven by our infatuation with pharmaceuticals. A psychiatric label means that there may be a pill that will make it better, and TV ads regularly promote it.

The real problem is that we increasingly see ourselves as biochemical machines with brains instead of souls. What we think and feel is the product of brain chemistry and correcting what ails us is a matter of tinkering with that chemistry.

This worldview has no place for compassion, remembrance, or empathy because, ultimately, it has no room for being human, especially a normal one.

________

Copyright (c) 2012 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

Grace. Unfortunately in the Christian culture it is far too easy to grow numb to the depth and reality of biblical terms. We throw them around casually. Our minds and hearts disconnect to their powerful, very real daily implications.

Yet old words can take on new meaning. Grace has for me.

My late husband, Rick Ferguson, in a sermon series some years ago crafted this definition of grace: “The disposition, pursuit and provision of God toward fallen men, whereby He freely offers Himself as a sufficient resource for their every need.” Yes, a mouthful -- yet a rich picture of the grace of God.

He is a sufficient resource for every need. God by His grace empowers us to do things we would not otherwise have the strength to do on our own.

My first understanding of grace came with my own childhood salvation. Jesus Christ was a sufficient Savior to provide for my need to be made right with God. I did not have in my own strength the ability to be right with the God who created me.

“Saved by grace” is the entry point of relationship with the God. Yet, God’s grace does not end there. His grace to BE the resource for every need is His perpetual disposition to us.

Eleven years ago on Thanksgiving my “every need” was recent widowhood. At our Thanksgiving table was an empty plate and empty chair that left us devastated, brokenhearted and grieving. It was a meal that was nearly unbearable to my heart. I remember it well.

Does God offer Himself as a sufficient resource for the common human experience of death that seems to come far too soon? He does. His tender care, His mercy, the hope of heaven and His strength in the midst of our weaknesses was more real to that 45-year-old widow than I can recount. With tears in our eyes, He was enabling us to walk even if feebly so.

On this Thanksgiving I look back on the years that have swiftly passed. His grace, His sufficient resource for my every need has not failed, even in dark days of grief, financial uncertainty, single parenting, disappointment and loneliness. He truly empowered me to do things I did not have the strength to do on my own by grace.

Perhaps as you face this holiday season you also have a bitterly empty place at your table. The heartache of that is overwhelming. Let me remind you and testify to this truth: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

I am thankful for grace. It truly is amazing.